When it rains, it pours. Just yesterday I was thinking "I started a blog and now I have nothing to say." Now I've got lots...
Number 1: A rant
How many of you caught the report yesterday telling us, again, how we're all horrible for waiting to have kids? New research (done by people who did complicated math, not actual measurements of eggs) says that at age 30 women have only 12 % of their eggs remaining and, by 40, only 3 %. Note that this is something like 30,000 eggs, still, at age 30. The reporters then went on to confront women who were at the gym and looked like they were in their 30s and made them feel guilty for "putting their careers first." Obviously these are horridly selfish women -- they're single and they're on a treadmill!! OMG, that's a hanging offense! Yes, because the only reason that women ever wait to have kids is because of their careers. OK, so I have a good career and I put a lot of energy over the past 15 years into getting here -- but I also have an incredibly happy, stable marriage with a man I know will be there for me and my children. And, yes, we were together three years before we started TTC. Would it have been better for me to run out when I was 25 and hook up with someone just to have a kid before my "eggs get bad?" Would it have been better if I jumped into an unhappy marriage with the first guy I saw at 22 because "there's only a limited amount of time?" Having a stable career and good relationship and being able to actually provide for a family is worth the wait -- no matter how few eggs I have left!
My mother got married at 20 because she was desperate to get out of a bad situation in college. Her husband was a bad choice for her. She started TTC at 24 or 25 and didn't have me until she was 27. The relationship was terrible and they finally divorced when she decided to go back to school when I was 4 and my father couldn't handle her having her own life. If she had stayed in that relationship, I think her mental health would have suffered so much that she may not have survived. I spent my entire childhood shuttling back and forth between a wonderful loving mother and step-father (though I wouldn't have admitted he was great at the time...) and a selfish, emotionally abusive father who paraded me around as a substitute for when he couldn't find a date. I haven't seen or spoken to my father since I was 16. So, yeah, you might say that I am a little jaded in the relationship department and wanted to make sure that I found the right man to be the father of my children and not just "a man." (Note: I'm not saying anything bad about my mother's choices, she was desperately anxious at the time (it was the 60s and mental health problems weren't really respected) and has gone on to be in an incredible relationship and have *gasp* a wonderful career. She's the strongest woman I know and an incredible role model and that comes from the life she's experienced.)
Anyway, I get so upset when people make assumptions that I've been selfish for waiting to have kids! I read "A few good eggs" which spends the entire book saying that you shouldn't feel guilty about the problems you're having getting pregnant and then proceeds to tell you over and over again that it's your fault for waiting so long!!! Ugh.
I will not feel guilty for waiting to be happy and mentally healthy and "ready" before I tried to be a mother!!
Phew. OK, moving on...
Number 2: Jinxing myself
I want a minivan. Seriously. I want a minivan!! I want to have a giant van with a carseat (or two) and a back half full of kids toys and strollers and bags. I want a van with seats covered in sticky juice and cookie crumbs. I want to be the one who laughingly apologizes to my friends for the mess when I give them a ride but we all get to silently chuckle at how messy kids can be.
So, I just renewed my car's registration. In Missouri, you can choose to renew for one year or two. For the first time ever, I chose one year. Did I just jinx myself by hoping desperately that by this time next year I will either be pregnant or have a baby and finally have a reason to trade in my car for a minivan? Sigh...
Number 3: A possible "woohoo!"
It appears that Missouri has possible legislation pending this year to require insurance companies to provide infertility coverage (testing and treatment) including up to four IVF cycles!! Who knows if it will actually go through, but what a wonderful possibility. Of course, this potentially provides us with a dilemma (that I didn't think about until I mentioned the legislation to my DH last night). Our plan right now was to try IUI until summer break and most likely move on to IVF if nothing has happened by then. But, now, if we knew that in January our IVF cycles would be covered by insurance, it would be kind of hard to justify taking that step earlier.
Of course, this is all my fault and if I had just not been so selfish none of this would be a problem, right?!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
My poor little kitty
My 14 year old kitty is "on the decline" as a good friend put it. He's never been a particularly healthy cat as he's suffered from inflammatory bowel disease (sorry way TMI) for about half of his life. And, about a year ago he was diagnosed with arthritis and put on pain meds and joint supplements. They made a huge difference in his quality of life. After a while, though, the meds started wreaking havoc on his stomach and we pulled him back off of them. Surprisingly, right now he seems to be feeling pretty good -- he jumps on the couch to sit with me and seems pretty happy.
But, he's lost a lot of weight and has become exceptionally finicky about what he'll eat. I don't want to take him to the vet because it is absolute torture to him. He always howls and hisses and bites at the vet when in reality he's an incredibly sweet cat. Half the time they have to put him under if they want to draw blood and I know that would be deadly right now. Any solution they would have for him would involve either meds (which he automatically throws up), or fluids (have you ever given subcutaneous fluids to a cat? I have, it's not fun for either of you), or shots or an IV (which would definitely be torture to him).
His quality of life right now seems pretty good. He seems happy. He jumps up to snuggle, he purrs, he gets excited about a can of tuna. I feel like a horrible cat-mommy. There may be something the vet could do but I'm afraid the cure would be worse than the disease. It makes me so upset. I love my little kitty. I want to do everything I can for him, but I don't want him to feel worse. He's been there for me for more than 14 years. I got him as a present from my cousins the year after I graduated from college and he comforted me through all the stresses of graduate school and relationship failures in my 20s and moved with me across the country to start a new job. He used to have a little sister kitty as well, but she died from mammary cancer about three years ago (yes, my cat had breast cancer). I guess I want to keep him around as long as I can but I don't want him to hurt. With his sister, I knew when it was time to let her go. I guess I'm just waiting to feel that with him.
I think part of this that is so upsetting is that I feel like I'm watching a part of my life fade out. This was the cat that represented my 20s. This was someone to come home to when I was alone. I feel like I'm closing a chapter of my life. His being this old and sick means that I'm getting older. I know I'm getting older -- there's a new line in my folder in the RE's office that says "over 35." But, you know, I don't usually feel that old until I stop and think about it. My kitty being "on the decline" has just made me think about it. A lot.
OK, I have to stop crying, dry my eyes and open my office door.
But, he's lost a lot of weight and has become exceptionally finicky about what he'll eat. I don't want to take him to the vet because it is absolute torture to him. He always howls and hisses and bites at the vet when in reality he's an incredibly sweet cat. Half the time they have to put him under if they want to draw blood and I know that would be deadly right now. Any solution they would have for him would involve either meds (which he automatically throws up), or fluids (have you ever given subcutaneous fluids to a cat? I have, it's not fun for either of you), or shots or an IV (which would definitely be torture to him).
His quality of life right now seems pretty good. He seems happy. He jumps up to snuggle, he purrs, he gets excited about a can of tuna. I feel like a horrible cat-mommy. There may be something the vet could do but I'm afraid the cure would be worse than the disease. It makes me so upset. I love my little kitty. I want to do everything I can for him, but I don't want him to feel worse. He's been there for me for more than 14 years. I got him as a present from my cousins the year after I graduated from college and he comforted me through all the stresses of graduate school and relationship failures in my 20s and moved with me across the country to start a new job. He used to have a little sister kitty as well, but she died from mammary cancer about three years ago (yes, my cat had breast cancer). I guess I want to keep him around as long as I can but I don't want him to hurt. With his sister, I knew when it was time to let her go. I guess I'm just waiting to feel that with him.
I think part of this that is so upsetting is that I feel like I'm watching a part of my life fade out. This was the cat that represented my 20s. This was someone to come home to when I was alone. I feel like I'm closing a chapter of my life. His being this old and sick means that I'm getting older. I know I'm getting older -- there's a new line in my folder in the RE's office that says "over 35." But, you know, I don't usually feel that old until I stop and think about it. My kitty being "on the decline" has just made me think about it. A lot.
OK, I have to stop crying, dry my eyes and open my office door.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
If she doesn't stop walking by my office I AM going to scream!!
I've vented about this elsewhere, but I just have to share again. I teach at a college and I have a colleague with an office two doors down who just came back from maternity leave with her second child. Apparently she is incapable of hiring a baby sitter! She brings her daughter with her to work at least once or twice a week. She did this with her first baby, too, and the kid would just scream his head off constantly the entire time she was in class (a student babysat in her office). This time, instead, I get to hear a constant parade of 20 year old college girls going "Oooh! A baby! She's so cute! What's her name?! Awww...." All. Day. Long. Worse yet is when students or faculty find this an inspiration to question me -- Ooh, did you see the baby? When are you having a baby?
And, whenever she leaves her office to make copies, etc., she takes the kid with her. My office is right next to the elevator, so she's constantly just hanging out in front of my door holding the baby on her hip waiting for the elevator. This is getting so old.
I don't know why this is allowed here. There are several faculty members who have gotten away with this sort of thing and it just makes me want to throttle them. This is ridiculous. What kind of zoo are we running? Of all the "I'll never do that when I'm a parent" things I have ever said (and recognized that I am probably wrong about many of them) this is the one that I know I will never violate -- I will never use my office as daily day care!!! I've sat in meetings where someone was chasing around his two year old! What? We all had to spend the meeting moving things out of the kid's reach. The father kept telling us "I'm the primary caregiver" as if that was an excuse for bringing a baby to a meeting. It's one thing if this was an emergency (although, it still really isn't...) but this was a regular thing.
The worst offense? I was on a Master's committee where the candidate had a private defense with her four committee members. One of the committee members showed up with her 1 year old to the defense! Her in-office babysitter was late and rather than giving the kid to her husband (who also works on campus) or finding someone who could sit with her son until the babysitter showed up she actually brought him to the defense. Really? He started screaming and wouldn't stop.
And, of course, if I complain all I hear is "Well, you're not a parent so you don't understand." Uh, no, I understand the real world. I can't imagine any other job situation where this would be tolerated! This town has at least 5000 college age students who would love to babysit your kid in your home when they're not in class. I know our salaries aren't great, but they're good enough to hire day care!
Anyway, all this to say -- seriously, if she doesn't stop parading her kid in front of my door soon I'm going to lose it.
And, whenever she leaves her office to make copies, etc., she takes the kid with her. My office is right next to the elevator, so she's constantly just hanging out in front of my door holding the baby on her hip waiting for the elevator. This is getting so old.
I don't know why this is allowed here. There are several faculty members who have gotten away with this sort of thing and it just makes me want to throttle them. This is ridiculous. What kind of zoo are we running? Of all the "I'll never do that when I'm a parent" things I have ever said (and recognized that I am probably wrong about many of them) this is the one that I know I will never violate -- I will never use my office as daily day care!!! I've sat in meetings where someone was chasing around his two year old! What? We all had to spend the meeting moving things out of the kid's reach. The father kept telling us "I'm the primary caregiver" as if that was an excuse for bringing a baby to a meeting. It's one thing if this was an emergency (although, it still really isn't...) but this was a regular thing.
The worst offense? I was on a Master's committee where the candidate had a private defense with her four committee members. One of the committee members showed up with her 1 year old to the defense! Her in-office babysitter was late and rather than giving the kid to her husband (who also works on campus) or finding someone who could sit with her son until the babysitter showed up she actually brought him to the defense. Really? He started screaming and wouldn't stop.
And, of course, if I complain all I hear is "Well, you're not a parent so you don't understand." Uh, no, I understand the real world. I can't imagine any other job situation where this would be tolerated! This town has at least 5000 college age students who would love to babysit your kid in your home when they're not in class. I know our salaries aren't great, but they're good enough to hire day care!
Anyway, all this to say -- seriously, if she doesn't stop parading her kid in front of my door soon I'm going to lose it.
Monday, January 25, 2010
IUI #2 is done!
Final verdict: 82 million post wash with 89 % motility. YAY! Thinking lots of positive thoughts that all those speedy little guys are headed towards the beautiful eggs that are popping out of the wonderfully rounded follies and heading down my lovely open fluffy tubes even as we speak. (I've been doing guided imagery meditation every night this cycle... :) )
New information from this IUI, though, that could help explain why this hasn't been working for us. The RE pointed out that DH's motility pre-wash was only 11%. This is weird because the motility they measured for his first S/A (last May) was 90%! I can only assume that this was a stricter measurement of motility than what we had before (the previous measurement was at a hospital lab and not at the RE's office). I don't know what the motility pre-wash was from the first IUI because it was a different RE and he didn't point it out. I would assume it was about the same, though, because the total post wash count is almost exactly the same.
The RE said "It's really good that you're doing the insemination." So, my fears that we were just adding things in for the heck of it are nullified. After my hysteroscopy last month she told us that we could just try on our own for a while if we'd like. Glad we didn't listen to that.
Crazy, though, that even with only 11% total motility, we're able to get something like 75 million motile out of it. I think his total count is definitely not a problem...
Other than that -- this was a particularly uncomfortable IUI. She must have really jabbed my cervix because I've been quite crampy ever since. Had to go to two one-hour meetings in a row and thought I'd just about pass out. Can't wait to go home and relax a bit.
OK, continuing with positive thoughts -- my tubes are open, sperm and egg(s) are interacting, my lining is fluffy and welcoming and this is going to work!
New information from this IUI, though, that could help explain why this hasn't been working for us. The RE pointed out that DH's motility pre-wash was only 11%. This is weird because the motility they measured for his first S/A (last May) was 90%! I can only assume that this was a stricter measurement of motility than what we had before (the previous measurement was at a hospital lab and not at the RE's office). I don't know what the motility pre-wash was from the first IUI because it was a different RE and he didn't point it out. I would assume it was about the same, though, because the total post wash count is almost exactly the same.
The RE said "It's really good that you're doing the insemination." So, my fears that we were just adding things in for the heck of it are nullified. After my hysteroscopy last month she told us that we could just try on our own for a while if we'd like. Glad we didn't listen to that.
Crazy, though, that even with only 11% total motility, we're able to get something like 75 million motile out of it. I think his total count is definitely not a problem...
Other than that -- this was a particularly uncomfortable IUI. She must have really jabbed my cervix because I've been quite crampy ever since. Had to go to two one-hour meetings in a row and thought I'd just about pass out. Can't wait to go home and relax a bit.
OK, continuing with positive thoughts -- my tubes are open, sperm and egg(s) are interacting, my lining is fluffy and welcoming and this is going to work!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
IUI #2 on the way
So, this cycle is our second try with Femara and a triggered IUI. Baseline scan showed a cyst again, but it was relatively small and the nurse gave us the go ahead for meds. Originally I had an u/s scheduled for Monday (CD13) but I was really worried that it would be too late. So, after much stress, I got the nurse to reschedule the follie check for Saturday (yesterday) CD11. I'm so glad that I did. First of all, since it was Saturday, one of the doctors did the u/s so I was able to see what was going on and ask all sorts of questions. Normally an u/s tech does the scan (I like them both but they aren't allowed to say anything about what they see) and then I talk with the nurse and the doctor checks it over later. It was really nice to actually communicate directly with the doctor. And, the geeky scientist in me loved seeing my insides on a screen! :)
Anyway, there are three great follies ready to go -- one at 19 mm on the right and two on the left at 18 and 16 mm. Woohoo! My lining was thinner than I'd like (a little over 6 mm) but the doctor wasn't concerned. Hopefully it will build up a bit more. Is it pineapple core I'm supposed to eat to increase my lining during the 2ww? We triggered last night and we're heading in for the IUI on Monday morning. We're going to go down and stay overnight tonight so that we don't have to leave at 6 am tomorrow. My DH's birthday is Tuesday and we're going to go out to dinner tonight while we're there (since there are actual restaurant options...) Hopefully we'll get together with his dad, too.
I'm feeling positive about this IUI. I don't want to put all my hopes in it and have them come crashing down, but I want to feel confident and hope that things will go well.
Wish me luck!!
Anyway, there are three great follies ready to go -- one at 19 mm on the right and two on the left at 18 and 16 mm. Woohoo! My lining was thinner than I'd like (a little over 6 mm) but the doctor wasn't concerned. Hopefully it will build up a bit more. Is it pineapple core I'm supposed to eat to increase my lining during the 2ww? We triggered last night and we're heading in for the IUI on Monday morning. We're going to go down and stay overnight tonight so that we don't have to leave at 6 am tomorrow. My DH's birthday is Tuesday and we're going to go out to dinner tonight while we're there (since there are actual restaurant options...) Hopefully we'll get together with his dad, too.
I'm feeling positive about this IUI. I don't want to put all my hopes in it and have them come crashing down, but I want to feel confident and hope that things will go well.
Wish me luck!!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
OK, so how did we get here?
My DH and I met in 2005 and got married in October of 2008. We started TTC as soon as we got married. We didn't go into this naively. We knew we weren't the springiest of chickens out there and we knew (through the experiences of friends and family) the stress and time that TTC can take. I'll admit we secretly thought that we would be the "lucky" ones who got pregnant the first try. We thought how great it would be to "plan" the timing for a baby. But, we knew that it might take a little while.
By month four I thought it was taking forever!!! LOL. Little did I know. That's when I joined an incredible group of women on-line and found the support I needed to help me survive this process. We started testing in May of 2009 (S/A -- all good) and then again in July of 2009 (HSG -- likely blocked right tube and "something" at the end of the left). In August of 2009 we started medicated cycles to help our chances of overcoming the blocked right tube. We kept trying to have an IUI, but nasty meds gave me cysts and basically eliminated my uterine lining. Finally had our first IUI in December, but no luck. We found out that I have a borderline baseline FSH level (12) which may mean that time isn't on our side. In December of 2009 I had an operative hysteroscopy to look for a suspected fibroid/polyp (none was found) and open up the right tube. We're all clear, now, and getting ready for IUI #2.
That's the past 16 months in a nutshell. Sometimes it feels like we've just started this path. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the amount of time this is taking.
By month four I thought it was taking forever!!! LOL. Little did I know. That's when I joined an incredible group of women on-line and found the support I needed to help me survive this process. We started testing in May of 2009 (S/A -- all good) and then again in July of 2009 (HSG -- likely blocked right tube and "something" at the end of the left). In August of 2009 we started medicated cycles to help our chances of overcoming the blocked right tube. We kept trying to have an IUI, but nasty meds gave me cysts and basically eliminated my uterine lining. Finally had our first IUI in December, but no luck. We found out that I have a borderline baseline FSH level (12) which may mean that time isn't on our side. In December of 2009 I had an operative hysteroscopy to look for a suspected fibroid/polyp (none was found) and open up the right tube. We're all clear, now, and getting ready for IUI #2.
That's the past 16 months in a nutshell. Sometimes it feels like we've just started this path. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the amount of time this is taking.
Friday, January 22, 2010
I swore I'd never do this...
I did, I really did. I swore I'd never be a blogger. I had nothing against bloggers -- I just couldn't imagine that anyone would want to read about my life. I still can't imagine it's true. And, until about a year ago, I couldn't name more than a few blogs that I'd ever read. It just wasn't me. But, then I started TTC and it started to take over my life. And, after a while, I went on-line and met amazing women who had been trying so hard for so long and had incredible stories to share. The strength they show through the craziness that is IF has been inspiring. I've learned so much and feel like I never would have come as far as I have without their help.
And, here's the truth, I am a chatty person. Once you get me started, it's hard to get me to stop. So, why not claim my own little piece of the internet where I can talk as much as I want and no one gets to tell me to shut up!
So, welcome to my "nope, I'm not a blogger" blog.
And, here's the truth, I am a chatty person. Once you get me started, it's hard to get me to stop. So, why not claim my own little piece of the internet where I can talk as much as I want and no one gets to tell me to shut up!
So, welcome to my "nope, I'm not a blogger" blog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)