OK, Body, you're just weird

So, you'd think that after almost 3 years of monitoring my fertility signs and temping for 2 1/2 years my body would be incapable of surprising me.

You'd be wrong.

(Just a warning in advance that this post includes WAY more information that you would ever want.)

Depending on when you start counting, today is either CD9 or CD10 -- AF showed up at 11:30 pm a week ago Monday so  it's hard to say whether that should really count as CD1.  After that, I had a day of heavy flow and then a second day of sort of medium flow (I used to have a 7-10 day AF).  Then, on CD3/4, I had full-on EWCM with barely any AF.  Mid-cycle level EWCM.  "Hey, you! Get to having some sex now!" EWCM.  By CD4/5, I started temping again (which I usually don't do until CD7 or so after AF is gone) because of the EWCM.  By CD5/6 I was feeling strong O pains and got a positive on an OPK.  CD 6/7 was the same.  By CD7/8 the EWCM was gone, my temp jumped to low post-O levels, the O pains were gone and the LH surge had passed.  Here's the chart -- note the high temp on CD1 since I hadn't really started AF, yet (which is another reason I'd call Tuesday CD1).

Current cycle so far:  note that I POAS (it was negative) on CD5/6 because OPKs can also respond to HCG and it was just too bizarre to me that I might be about to O on CD6.  Note also that I added the O line because FF wouldn't believe I could O this early and wouldn't give me crosshairs no matter what data manipulation I did.

Unmedicated, I average O'ing on about CD14 or 15.  I've never O'd earlier than CD13 without meds.  Is it even possible to have a mature egg released by CD6/7?? 

So, what the hell is up with my body?  I've got a few thoughts:

1. I didn't actually O last cycle and that wasn't really AF but mid-cycle bleeding or "cleaning out."  Last cycle *looks* pretty normal (except for another short AF at the beginning) but I had all those leftover cysts so who knows what was actually going on.  I'm not entirely sure when I O'd but it seems like CD14 or 15 make the most sense given when AF started. 
   

   

   Previous cycle immediately after FSH cycle.  Mild OHSS at beginning of cycle

1. 
   
2. I was pregnant last cycle and this is due to residual estrogen which has caused things to go haywire. (I don't know why there is a random "1." on this line and I can't make it go away...)
3. The FSH injectable cycle that started in April (with the crazy high E2 and large number of immature follicles) has completely screwed up my usually very consistent cycles. Follicles are maturing whenever they darn well feel like it.
4. This is all perfectly normal and suddenly O'ing on CD6/7 after 2 1/2 years of O'ing on CD14/15 is not a cause for confusion or concern.
5. My body thinks it's funny to screw with my head and I didn't just O and will have a perfectly normal 28 day cycle as usual.  (I'd believe this and would think this was just a random LH surge with no O'ing if my temp hadn't jumped and stayed that way.  If you assume I O'd on CD7 and overlay it with last month's chart, (with O on CD15) you get the following.)
6. Someone has secretly been injecting me with various hormones while I'm asleep just to see what would happen.
7. I went to sleep on CD3 and actually woke up a week later.  No one is telling me that I missed a week because I saw something I shouldn't have and they had to erase my memory.  My entire community is in cahoots.  They didn't realize that I monitor my cycle and now they're freaking out realizing I might figure it out.  Is it something that will hurt me?  Will it hurt my family?  If I figure it out, will they have to kill me?  If I figure it out, will my brain implode?  Am I Donna Noble?  Did I travel with the Doctor?  Am I in the next Men in Black movie and they used the flashy-thingy?  (Clearly I watch way too much science fiction.)

Yeah, I have no idea.  I tend to believe that the FSH injectable cycle has done weird things to me and everything is still working its way out of my system.  I can't imagine that any egg that was released this early on had a chance of maturing or that my lining had any chance of thickening up.  But, we BD'd diligently just in case.  Only time will tell if I really O'd this early.  If I did, then I would expect AF to show up at the end of next week -- on CD 20 or 21.  Which is just weird.

(If it is number 7 and you're all in cahoots, too (because you just don't get to say "cahoots" that often), someone please warn me to stop looking into it!!  :)  I don't want my brain to implode!)

Breathe in, breathe out. Remember the big picture.

Number 1 -- I need a button to wear from 11 DPO through CD1 that says "Hello, my name is Rebecca.  I am currently experiencing PMS.  Please do not have any deep, emotional, life-changing discussions with me right now.  Give me a few days."  (OK, that would either be a really big button or have really, really tiny type.)

Number 2 -- What the hell would I do without you guys?  I wish I could figure out a useful way to really respond to every single one of you and tell you how much you mean to me.  You're amazing, you're wonderful.  You make me feel like I'm NOT insane.  You somehow make my brain go from "it's all too much and I'm spinning out of control" to "this is perfectly normal, it sucks, but that's how it is, there are logical, positive ways to think about this."  You bring me back to reality and away from the ledge.  When I put things out there I never expect to get such well thought out, personal responses.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you write.  You give me things to think about.

Number 3 -- Breathing is useful.  I need to remember to BREATHE!   I need to remember to enjoy my time off from teaching this summer and enjoy my husband.  Somehow I've gotten it into my head that I need to rush, rush, rush.  And, all that's doing is making it all seem even more stressful and worse.  I'd been so determined that we needed to get in as much treatment as possible this summer that I was making us have to decide RIGHT NOW which was making us both feel SO rushed and SO stressed that we were pretty much guaranteed to crash and burn.  It made any little difference of opinion that much worse.

Number 4 -- The big picture.  I've given myself an artificial timeline and that's just silly.  Look at the forest not the trees, people!!!  Yes, having IVF over the summer would make scheduling appointments easier.  But, if forcing it to happen over the summer actually makes my life MORE difficult then we're not helping anyone, are we?

Number 5 -- I need to remember that I can adapt.  That I deserve to focus on me during the academic year.  That I can pre-record some lectures in the Smart Classroom I'm teaching in and take advantage of some on-line resources.  (The thought of that makes me feel a little icky because my teaching style is to interact, but it is "doable" for a few lectures.)  That I can work with my colleagues as substitutes and adapt my teaching style.  That I work in the world's most family-friendly department where I'm the ONLY one without kids.  If I told them why I needed to take a few days off here and there, they'd jump at the chance to help.  (That doesn't mean I'm excited about sharing this with them, but I need to get over that.)  I'd be there if they needed help, so I shouldn't feel ashamed to ask for help.  I need to remember that when I DON'T focus on myself under the guise of "being professional" I end up getting less accomplished and being less effective. 

Number 6 -- I need to trust my husband.  He needed to get some things out and he needed some time to think things through.  He went to Iowa and talked to his cousin.  Turns out they used IUI for both of their children.  Somehow that made it more "OK" for him to think about IVF and stop doing IUI.  (Don't ask me what the logic is of that.)  He stopped by the clinic in Iowa and chatted with the doctor -- he gave him a brief summary of what we've done and the doctor thought IVF might be good and sooner rather than later.  A quick second opinion helped him.  He needed a non-hormonal wife to discuss it all with. I asked him how he "felt" about IVF now (as opposed to Sunday when he wanted nothing to do with it for at least six months).  He said he'd had a few more days to think about it and look at some numbers and he was feeling like it was the right thing to do.

Number 7 -- We took a spontaneous overnight trip on Tuesday night (see, these are the times/things that we used to enjoy that I"m supposed to be enjoying this summer) that gave us some driving time to talk it all through in a reasonable manner.  I forget how many details I know about what we've done and how little he remembers.  He sat next to me as I drove and had me go through every single cycle we've done in the past (nearly) three years so he could write it all out.  (It scares me that I know by heart every single one and their exact order.)  I think he needed to really see how much we've gone through.  We started talking about the logistics of the possible combinations of "where we go next" with IVF -- Dr. Smiles and/or Iowa. 

Number 8 -- Logically, Iowa makes the most sense.  Their shared risk program is a "one fresh plus one frozen" cycle at a time thing.  No commitment for 3 cycles and the cost, if successful, is really only about $3000 more per cycle than without the shared risk at their clinic (but about $7000 more than at Dr. Smiles').  If pregnant within cycle 1, it would cost about $19,000 (if not pregnant it's about $5000 a cycle plus a one-time $1600 fee).   We could afford to do two complete (fresh + frozen) cycles and get pregnant there (it would be about $24,000 total if we were successful and $11,000 total if we weren't after two fresh/two frozen).  We might be able to push to a third cycle if we saved some more ($29,000-ish, total).  But, Iowa involves a huge time/travel/stress commitment.

Number 9 -- Emotion trumps logic.  (For now at least.)  Two fresh cycles with Dr. Smiles is also about $24,000.  There are no "free" frozen cycles with Dr. Smiles -- they're about $2000 each.  A third fresh cycle would push us to $36,000.  That third cycle isn't possible monetarily right now.  And, emotionally might be tough for us to accept.  Right now I just want the ability to be able to say we can do a second fresh cycle if we need to.  I realize the probabilities of it working the first time are lower -- I want to be able to have that back up.  And, my emotional instinct says I want to work with Dr. Smiles.  It's a combination of the fact that I like and trust him and his staff and that traveling the 3 hours round trip will be tough during the semester but doable while going to Iowa will involve overnight trips multiple times and stress me out.  And, I'm not sure that this is really "emotion" over "logic."  It's just what will make me feel the best and it isn't entirely illogical.  And, my DH seems to be OK with that.

Number 10 -- I have no idea why I'm writing "Number xx" for these.  It just came out when I opened the window and now I can't stop.

Number 11 -- When I stopped thinking we needed to start RIGHT NOW and started to think "hey, maybe it would be nice to enjoy the rest of the summer and try a few months on our own" my entire body relaxed.  I started to see the sun and enjoy the breeze.  I felt like I could skip.  I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders and the clouds cleared.  Angels started to sing.  Birds landed on my shoulders.  (OK, I may be pushing this a bit...)  But, seriously, when I stopped trying to force it to happen during the summer, I felt "possibility" open up.  We walked around the state capitol yesterday and ate lunch out and it was beautiful and fun and relaxing and it made me happy.  I came back and took pictures of my summer students rappelling and it made me happy.  Who knew there were things that could make me happy?!

Number 12 -- So, that's what we're going to do.  I called Dr. Smiles office and we're planning on a late October/early November IVF cycle.  Because my cycle starts late in the month, we'll be doing initial testing/scanning/schedule-making when I get AF in August and may likely have to be on BCP through September in preparation.  So, we've got about two more tries on our own.  We were hoping for three, but two is OK.  It's a compromise that we're actually both happy with. 

Number 13 -- Meanwhile, we're going to travel to visit friends we've neglected over the past two years.  We're going to "relax" and see what happens (you know, while temping and peeing on OPKs).  I'm going to attempt to get my ass in shape -- or at least be able to walk up the stairs without passing out.  I'm going to continue enjoying to cook in my new kitchen (since I've apparently only been whining this summer, I haven't been sharing about the incredible food I've been making lately and how happy it has made me).  I'm going to drink coffee when I want it and not feel guilty.  I'm going to have an occasional alcoholic beverage.  We're going to remember how incredibly lucky we are to have flexible schedules in the summer and take advantage of them.  (We're going to hope that this is the last time we can be this spontaneous without having to think about our kid(s).)  I'm going to get back to work and remember that I used to actually like my job.

Number 14 -- And, you know what?  If I DON'T do all those things and all I really do over the next month or so is sit on my ass in front of the TV doing a puzzle then I'm not going to beat myself up. 

Number 15 -- Breathe in, breathe out.  Remember the big picture.  That's my new mantra.

I don't know where we go

This has been a sucky few days.  Yesterday was the one year anniversary of finding out I was miscarrying.  (Technically, by date, it is today.  But, it was the Monday after Father's Day so yesterday "felt" a lot more like the anniversary.)  Sunday evening, my DH and I finally sat down and talked about IVF.  And, I cried.  And cried.  And cried.  I cried harder than I have cried since last summer.  Gulping cries.  Collapsing on the floor of the bathroom cries.  Cries that you can't control.  Cries I couldn't stop.  

Monday I woke up still crying.  I tried to write about it yesterday but it just came out garbled and I gave up.

Then, I started cramping.  And spotting.  And AF showed up late last night.  I should have realized that most of the emotion was hormonal.  Just really bad timing. 

So, today I remember my lost spider baby feeling pretty much like I did the day I found out he was gone -- bleeding, cramping and sad.

I remember so fondly how incredibly happy I was for the two months I knew I was pregnant.  Sure, I was nervous, but I just felt so lucky and glad to finally be pregnant after 20 months of trying.  It felt like it had taken forever. 

Today?  I wish I were never pregnant.  Not if it I was gong to lose it.  And that feels wrong.  I feel so blessed to have briefly felt that joy and know that it is actually possible.

But, because I was pregnant once it seems like it is going to be harder for me to be again.  Why?  Because my DH is convinced that, since we got pregnant on our own once, there is no reason that we need any intervention.  He says "if we'd never gotten pregnant, I'd be in a totally different place."  He's willing to do IVF because he knows I'm hitting my limit, but he's afraid he's going to resent it the whole time.  If we do get pregnant with IVF, he's going to resent having done it because he'll assume we could have gotten pregnant on our own...eventually.  He actually said he wishes Dr. Smiles hadn't been so positive about our chances of IVF working -- obviously if IVF would likely work for us, then just trying on our own would, too, since we're "unexplained."  If we DON'T get pregnant with IVF he's going to resent the money.

And, there's not much I can do to change his mind.  And, again, he'll do it -- because he knows I want to.  But, it's making me question my decision to do it.  My DH tends to be a much more rational thinker -- he's a statistician and a mechanical engineer.  He looks at logic, he looks at numbers and that's it.  He claims that he isn't hiding his emotions, he just doesn't have them.  He doesn't worry.  He doesn't obsess.  He doesn't stress. I don't know if I really believe that he has no emotions, but it is true that he doesn't worry.  I, on the other hand, am totally driven by my emotions.  I try to think things through logically, but worry trumps logic every time.

If he had his preference, we'd try on our own for about another 6 months and then do IVF.  He's convinced we can get pregnant on our own.  And, yes, the numbers say that it is possible.  But, we've been trying, now, for 33 months.  In that time, we've had three months off for various medical procedures.  For the other 30 months, we've had good to excellently timed intercourse, "textbook" ovulation confirmed by OPK and temperature, excellent IUIs, great response to medication, sperm that are so good Dr. Smiles jokingly recommended my DH become a sperm donor for some extra cash and, in all that time, 1 pregnancy.  One (assumed) genetically abnormal pregnancy that ended 12 months ago -- we're officially infertile again.  Yes, maybe a tube was blocked at one point.  Yes, maybe there was a problem with a fibroid.  But, it's all just maybe.  We started this when I was 33.  I'm 36, now.  I'm not "old" but probably only one out of every two to four eggs of mine is not genetically screwed up by now.  My CD3 FSH is starting to fluctuate above and below 10 -- meaning I'm on the verge of starting ovarian failure.

Sure, it might work.  But, those probabilities are getting smaller and smaller every day.

But, it happened once.  So, it could happen again.  That's what he's clinging to.


The last time I "pushed" him into doing something he wasn't ready for was when we moved in together.  We'd been dating for a year and my lease was up.  I lived 20 minutes out of town in the country and, for about 5 months, had only been going to my house to feed the cats and get clothes.  I was either going to find a new place to live in town or we were going to move in together -- we were already planning for the future and talking about marriage and kids, it made sense to me.  But, we were both in our 30s and had been living on our own for years and I knew it would be a big transition.  I thought we talked it all out.  I thought he was ready.  But, he wasn't -- not emotionally and not in any sort of practical sense that didn't make me feel like I was invading his space.  For about three months, things sucked.  I was sure that it was over for us as a couple.

Then, I went to visit my parents over winter break for a week.  When I came back, he was a changed man.  Suddenly, he was ready.  We finally talked about how terrible it had been and what we were both doing that was making it so bad.  He finally realized how difficult he was making it for me to find my place in our home.  And, once he was finally ready, it just worked.  It's hard to describe how different it was.  We were happy.  We figured out how to live together.  And, we started to really enjoy living together.  That was five years ago.  Sure, we've had little issues here and there since then.  But, once we were both on the same page, our lives together have been so amazing that at least once a day I grin from ear to ear at how lucky I am to have him.

And, yes, we've learned to communicate.  We've learned to understand what the other wants and needs and what we can do to help.  He actually tells me he loves me, now, because he knows I need to hear it sometimes even if I know it's true without it being said.  (That was a HUGE step for him.)  So, hopefully we'd never get to the point where resentment builds up like that again.  But, it scares me.  


On Sunday he told me he worries every day about me and how this affects me.  Just writing that line makes me cry.  He misses the couple we used to be.  He misses our sex life.  He hates that IF has taken over my life and flavored everything I do -- made me hate my job, my life, my self, my home.  So, because of all that he wants to do what I want to do.  But, I'm so afraid that he's going to be annoyed at the decision that it is making me more upset.  I hate when we're not on the same page.  It is so incredibly rare (we generally joke that we share one brain).  And, this is such a major thing.  Not just the money, but everything.  It's just making it that much harder.

I feel like we're in that same rushed place we were when we moved in together -- we've got maybe one chance to try once over the summer.  We have to decide now.  Today, in fact -- it's CD1.  We have to decide if we stay with Dr. Smiles (whose per cycle cost is cheaper but whose success rates are slightly lower) or the clinic in Iowa (which has higher success rates (and much higher throughput) with higher per cycle costs but with a shared risk program).

I think he's really trying to show me that he's OK with it -- he was in Iowa yesterday and stopped by one of the satellite clinics for the U of I program to ask them about some details.  He is trying to show that it might be possible that we could work with them before the summer is out.  Or, that I wouldn't have to lose a whole two weeks if we did IVF with them during the school year.  I know he's trying to make me feel better.  I know he wants me to be happy and hates how hard this is for me.  I know he was just trying to be honest and open when he told me how he really feels about it (although I'd figured it out already).  He's just not ready. 


I know he'll do it for me.  He'd do anything for me.  He loves me.  I know that.  He wants me to be happy.  But, he doesn't want this as much as I do.  He wants to have kids but, if it never happens, he's OK with that.  I'd eventually be OK with that, but that's what started the crying fest on Sunday -- every time I thought about never having kids, I started to convulse with tears.  But, I just wish that we could step into this with both of us being ready.  But, trying another six months on our own?  That means six more months of taking my temperature every day.  Six more months of scheduled sex.  Six more months of feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle.  Six more months of me feeling resentful.

So, we have to decide.  We have to make a choice. We have to decide to do IVF or not to do IVF.  We have to decide to do IVF with Dr. Smiles or to try to do IVF with the clinic in Iowa.  We have to decide how much we're willing to spend.  We have to decide when to say "that's enough." 

I suck at decision making.  Half the time I think I became a vegetarian so I'd have fewer choices on a menu.  I have been trying to decide what color to paint the living room for five months.  I question every decision I've ever made. 

I just hope that we can come to a decision that we're both actually satisfied with. 

(Thanks for reading if you made it this far.  I guess I've had a lot of long, rambling posts lately.  Writing here is the only thing that's helping me work through my feelings.)

(Oh, and the sun and steroid cream combo is definitely helping the PR rash.  Of course, I somehow managed to get CHIGGERS this weekend in addition to the rash, though.  Yeah, I'm that special.)

I'm feeling very rebellious

Right now, I'm sitting outside.

In the sun.

In a bathing suit.

Without sun block.

(Insert sound of Oak screaming.)

Under doctor's orders.

TWO doctors.

One of whom is a DERMATOLOGIST.

(Insert sound of Oak dialing the medical board to revoke my dermatologist's license.)

It seems I have a rash. It started on my boob about four days ago. It's called pityriasis rosea (PR). It's now covering both boobs, my stomach, chest, underarms, back and some spots where the sun will never shine. It itches. Not too badly, but enough to be annoying.

Apparently it's going to be like this for a while. Six to eight weeks.

It is thought that it is caused by a virus -- possibly a Herpes 6 virus (not the STD). Apparently there's really nothing that can be done about it but just wait it out and it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Yippee.

I asked the dermatologist if it could cause a problem with IF treatments and he thought it might. Frantic Googling turned up everything from "PR is fine in pregnancy" to "PR has been shown to cause a significant number of miscarriages and deformities in pregnancy." I don't know what to believe. I called my RE. He called back and said it was OK and not to worry.

And, he reiterated my dermatologist's advice.

Sit in the sun.

Without sun block.

The UVB rays are actually supposed to help (there have been studies).

I think the dermatologist almost choked telling me to sit in the sun. Especially while trying not to be blinded by my pale skin.

So, for 15 minutes a day. I'm enjoying the sun and feeling rebellious. And wrong. I'm trying to expose as much of my boob to the sun as possible. I'm pulling up my tankini so my lower back and blobby IF stomach are exposed. This is just wrong.

I think this is the first time in my life that I've had on a bathing suit outside without sunblock. I wore SPF 15 in the early 80s when it was the strongest you could get and my cousin was slathering on the tanning oil. I've never tanned in my life. I'm pale and proud. Fifteen years ago I was holding my stepfather as he shook from the chemo for the melanoma that had already traveled to multiple lymph nodes before it was discovered. (The treatment worked and he's been in remission for years.) My DH has had multiple pre-cancerous moles removed and has to go to the dermatologist every three months for a check-up. We celebrate a "removal free" appointment like kids celebrate a "cavity-free" dentist report.

My family does not take skin protection lightly. We do not go outside without sunblock. SPF 70 is preferred. We celebrated the release of broad spectrum protection. We do not sit in sun. We sit in shade. We wear big hats. We wear long shirts.

So, this just feels weird. But, it's doctor's orders.

(Insert sound of Oak passing out.)

(I'm still not sure what I believe about PR's influence in pregnancy. I was so upset that it possibly could have canceled my next one or two cycles that I was a nervous wreck. So, I'm trusting Dr. Smiles because I want to believe it will be OK and I can't deal with potentially losing the entire summer of treatment. We (i.e. my DH) still haven't come to a decision with IVF, yet. I'm about a week away from my next cycle. We have to decide soon. (Unless a miracle occurs.) Thank you to you all for your comments on the money post. It infuriates me that so many IFers have to put so much money into such uncertain procedures. I'll have more to say about all of that soon, I'm sure.)

What scares me?

Thank you all so much for your incredibly thoughtful comments on my last post.  I think your brains are pretty much where my brain is when it comes to continuing IUI or moving on to IVF. Sometimes I just really need to hear from others who have been in similar situations -- makes me feel like I'm not just a crazy person.
 
Gurlee asked a question in her comment on my post from Saturday that exactly read what was in my mind:  What scares me?

When I wrote the last line ("I feel like I'm ready to move on. I also feel scared shitless to do so"), it felt a little odd.  (Not just the gratuitous use of "shit" which is not really like me...in print at least.)  Every time I look back over the post (and I have found myself re-reading it multiple times since I posted it), I think about that last line.

What about this decision scares me?

Oddly, I don't think it is the "finality" of trying IVF.  A year ago when we were faced with this same decision, I was afraid that if IVF didn't get me pregnant then nothing would and I was terrified to hit that point.  For some reason I'm not, now.  I think, now, I'm willing to admit that it may never happen.  And, if that's true, then I think I'm OK with that.  Which sounds weird.  Because, if I've accepted that we may never have a child and have started to feel kind of nonchalant about it, why would I want to push so hard to get pregnant?  It feels like a contradiction.  But, somehow, it isn't.  I think I've decided that I want to throw whatever we can at it and, if it doesn't work, then I'm ready to move on.  Does that mean I don't want this enough?  I don't know.

A while back, someday-soon commented that she knew they were ready to move on to IVF when she was OK with using the 3 fresh and 3 frozen tries that were part of her shared risk program and, if it didn't work, was ready to say that it wasn't going to happen for them.  I think that's where I am right now.  If IVF isn't "it" for us, then I think I'm OK with saying it isn't going to happen.  (s-s always has the most insightful looks into my brain, I'm telling you.)

And, I'm not even really scared about the increased "invasiveness" of the process.  I've seen enough in the IF community go through it that, while it is a *huge* thing, I know that it isn't as big of an ordeal as I originally imagined it if you take it step by step.  It's a process that makes sense.  The scientist in me wants to know what's up with my eggs. I want the extra diagnostic information that it would give us.  Sure, I'm a little afraid we'll find out that my eggs suck -- but, at least then we'd know, you know?

So, then, what am I so scared of?

The money.

It's not *finding* the money that I'm afraid of.  It's *spending* the money.  Spending money makes me nervous.  It always does.  As much as I absolutely love my new kitchen and how much more I've been cooking since it was finished, part of me still can't think about how much it cost without feeling a little panicky (especially given the expense we're looking at now) and embarrassed and wondering what we could have spent less on (despite the fact that we *did* seek out bargains and didn't overdo it).  We bought new living room furniture last year and I almost had a panic attack at the store when thinking about how much it cost (because my DH, who is notoriously "cheap," actually pushed to buy the more pricey things).  I still think back to my wedding nearly three years ago and wonder if we should have spent less (again, despite the fact that we actually did everything ourselves and didn't spend very much).

I'm not sure where this comes from.  We never had a lot of money when I was a kid and we could never spend money on the "in" thing.  We were fine, but we didn't make big purchases and I knew better than to even ask for something expensive.  My DH is a HUGE "saver" but doesn't have a problem spending when he's thought about it and decided it is worth it.  I, on the other hand, start to panic about big (or, honestly, even medium-sized) purchases. But, if I can say that it was actually worth it then at least I cycle back to being OK with it after the panic.

So, that's the problem.  If we spend $12,000 or $18,000 on a fresh and a few frozen cycles and nothing happens, I think I'm OK emotionally saying "well, it didn't work, I guess we can move on."  (I'm not saying it will be easy and that I won't be devastated, but I'll be ready to move on.)  Or, even if we spend $24,000-$36,000 on a few fresh cycles, I'm OK with that.  My DH's father (who inherited money from his mother a few years ago and wants to give some to his children despite the fact that he has *never* had any money of his own) wants to help out.  And, I am so touched by that.  He has been an incredible grandfather to our nephews and I can't wait to see him with our kid(s).  But, it's the thought of spending that much money and getting *nothing* out of it that makes me so nervous.  I mean, I can cook in my kitchen and see how beautiful it is and realize the money was OK.  I can sit on my new sofas and realize they were worth it.  I can look back at pictures of the wedding and remember how great the day was and feel glad we did it.  But, this just doesn't sit well.  I mean, if it works?  Well, boy howdy I'll be looking at my child(ren) and thinking "you were worth everything we went through."  But, if it doesn't?  It's why a shared risk program is appealing -- even if my RE doesn't think we'd need it and I can see the logic of why it may not be worth it.

I realize that equating spending money on a sofa and on the possibility of a future child is kind of ridiculous.  This is a medical problem and a potential solution for a medical problem.  If it was any other medical problem I wouldn't blink at spending the money.  (Of course, I wouldn't have to because my insurance would cover it, but that's a whole other rant.)

I guess the truth is that I am decidedly *not* a risk taker.  When I was in high school economics class we did one of those mock stock market activities where you "buy" stocks and trade back and forth for the term.  My group bought a bunch of Coke stock (we were in Atlanta, after all) and then did absolutely nothing else for the rest of the semester.  We were the only group who made any sort of profit.  Most of the others ended up with very little left in the end and had fun doing it, but I was perfectly pleased with having made less than 1%.  I still remember our teacher laughing at us at the end of the term but I felt proud that, even if we hadn't made a lot, we at least hadn't lost it all!  

I find myself more envious of people who have IVF coverage through insurance than fertile-myrtles or pregnant women rubbing their bellies on the street.  When women say that they're going to be part of a research trial and get their IVF paid for I turn green with envy.  Last week when Dr. Smiles said "if you were millionaires we wouldn't even be having this conversation" he hit it on the head.

And, I recognize that we are *incredibly* lucky to have money saved where we can afford it.  I know that there are so many out there who not only don't have insurance coverage but don't have anywhere near the resources even to imagine paying for it themselves.  And, the fact that we've already spent a big chunk of money this year and *still* can afford it?  Yeah, I realize that makes my entire diatribe here absolutely ridiculous and there are many of you who probably want to pummel me right now. 

Is it worth it?  When I look at the babies of my IF friends born from IVF?  It's worth it.  When I see the utter happiness on the mothers' faces as they hold their beautiful miracles?  It's worth it. When they talk about how wonderful their husbands are as fathers?  It's worth it. 

When I imagine *not* trying this and always wondering if IVF was what would have worked?  It's worth it.

It's worth it.  I'm still scared.  But, I think I'm ready.

Is my DH?  Come back in a few days.

We need to make a decision

Hi everyone!

Thanks for all your comments on my "blah" post. I'm still in a sort of "blah" mode, but feeling a little more positive, I think. I'm having the hardest time coming up with things to blog about lately. Just feeling like I don't have much to say. (Which will totally be negated by this post because I now have a lot to say.)

We did end up going out of town for a day. It was so nice to get away and be in a hotel for a night. Sometimes I just need to be somewhere different, you know? We were able to relax, hang out in the pool, shop a bit and relax (I guess I said that already, but it's doubly true!)

We had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. They have a seasonal menu with locally grown food and I love the fact that I never know what special vegetarian entree they'll have. It's always SO good. We always check out the dessert counter before we are seated because they have a bakery as well and their desserts are incredible. So, we had incredible food and then an awesome rhubarb crisp. Making me drool just thinking about it all!

Anyway, the real point of all of this is that Friday we went to our consultation appointment with Dr. Smiles. He was running almost an hour behind so we sat in the waiting room for a while. At one point, a couple came in with 19-month-old twins and said they wanted to show them off to Dr. Smiles and the embryologist. It turns out they had been trying for 17 years (SEVENTEEN YEARS) and got pregnant through IVF with Dr. Smiles. Usually, I hate seeing babies at the RE's office, but this was really touching. These kids were adorable and sweet and Dr. Smiles came out and was so happy to see them. The nurses were so excited and the embryologist was, too. They said to their kids "she made you!" And I almost started to cry in a totally different way than I expected to. The embryologist (who they called "The Mixmaster" and who I will never be able to think of any other way again) is 9 months pregnant with her first. Dr. Smiles' wife just had a baby by IVF (their fourth IVF after years of secondary IF and 5 miscarriages). It was beautiful and touching. I was surprised by my reaction. It actually made me feel happy and inspired -- which is unusual for me.

We talked for a while with Dr. Smiles about our past cycles and next steps. He said "there are three things needed for a successful pregnancy -- good sperm, good eggs and a good uterus. I'm sure you have good sperm, after the lap, I'm sure you have a good uterus and tubes. We just don't know about the eggs." He's happy with how my IUI cycles have gone. And, it was good to know that he, too, was a little nervous the last time about triplet possibilities but he factored in my age before allowing us to go forward. It's nice to know that he tweaks drug amounts, etc. and actually thinks about each patient. I really do feel like he cares about us even if we're only one couple among hundreds.

So, essentially, it's time to make a decision. He wasn't pushing IVF and does think we could be successful with IUI. But, he also thinks IVF might be a good way to go. It's also tough for us to continue putting $2000 a month into something that has a poor success rate and, at the same time, has higher risk. I respond really well to the meds -- that's a good thing and makes him feel like he could get lots of eggs if we did IVF. He thinks, with quality embryos, we'd have an excellent chance at IVF working with either a fresh cycle or FET. But, we have no idea what my eggs really look like.

And, I talked to him about my timing worries -- essentially we have to accept that we will only ever be able to cycle every other month. And, he understands my stress about the school year starting. He thinks that we could possibly get into a July IVF cycle and, if not, definitely August. Either would give us a chance to get an entire cycle in before the school year starts. That would be ideal.

We also talked with the finance person. Basically, their cycles are about $9200 plus meds (estimated around $2500). Any FETs are about $2000. They don't have a shared risk or warranty plan. That's what we're going to have to compare to the Iowa program (Carpenter asked where it was -- it is the University of Iowa program). I know my DH is hesitant about NOT going with a shared risk program. But, personally, I'd really rather stay where we are. I like Dr. Smiles and his staff. I trust Dr. Smiles and his staff. I would only have to drive 3 hours round trip not 6 hours. If we decide to do IVF, we'd get in before the summer ends. I'm guessing it will take two months to even get an appointment at the other clinic -- I'd probably have to take two weeks off of work if we cycled in Iowa during the school year. That's REALLY not practical.

(One random thing to consider -- it appears the embryologist is about to go on maternity leave!! I assume they've got someone else to cover, but that is a little scary.)

I think my DH would be fine with just continuing IUI. Part of me is, too. But, part of me finds it scary and risky with very little probability of reward. It's "easy," though, you know? He said something about doing it three more times (knowing that would take us 6 months) because the statistics say that it has a decent chance of working at that point. But, it also has a decent chance of not working and then we're out another $6000 that could have gone toward IVF which might even tell us that I have crap eggs and this whole thing was a waste.

I don't know, I think I'm kind of babbling. My thoughts are not organized at all. I just keep going back and forth. We need to look at the "Iowa Warranty" program at the UI again and think about timing and make some decisions.

I feel like I'm ready to move on. I also feel scared shitless to do so.