Hitting a bad spot

I don't know why, but I've hit a really low point emotionally lately.  I think it is the combination of starting back to school, my first BFN post m/c, the constant reminder of the new baby at work (the father keeps asking me for help with classes because he's overwhelmed and the mother has already come back to work and is the topic of conversation constantly) stress about my house, worrying about missing O this cycle (we're going to be traveling and staying at friend's houses and my DH isn't thrilled with secretly BD'ing on their floors...) and just general hormonal ickiness (it is CD9, after all, which always seems to be an emotionally low point for me).  I've been essentially on the verge of tears (or actually crying) all the time for the past three days or so.  I'm barely able to make it through classes and my other responsibilities at this point.  I just don't seem to care about it at all right now.

To be honest, on Sunday night, I couldn't picture ever being happy again.  For those who have been through depression, you know that feeling.  The logical part of your brain knows that it isn't true. Knows that there are wonderful things to be done.  Knows that, no matter how bad things feel right now, you are incredibly lucky.  You have friends and family who love you and care for you.  You have a life that is the envy of many.  But, at that moment, it doesn't matter.  You just wish you didn't have to think anymore.  You can't picture why you should bother getting up in the morning.  Nothing anyone can say will make you feel better.  You just don't care.

I've hit this stage before, but it has been a while.  My DH has never seen me this bad (the last time it was this bad was about 6 years ago and we've been together for 5).  And, I'm very good at putting on a "happy" front, so I'm not sure anyone else even knows what is going on.  It's just not a good moment.


I've put in a call to my RE's office to see if they can recommend a therapist who has experience with women going through IF. I haven't been to a therapist since I moved to Missouri 8 years ago but I saw one regularly when I still lived in Atlanta.  There is only one decent one I know of in my tiny little town and she's the wife of a colleague who I know socially and is the counselor to at least three people I know -- I just don't feel comfortable with her.  It occurred to me that if I'm willing to drive 90 miles for fertility treatments, I should be willing to drive 90 miles for my mental health.  So, I'm hoping my RE has some good recommendations.  Because I'm in a bad spot and I need some help.  And, I know it's a good thing that I'm reaching out.  So, hopefully that means that I at least realize it can get better.

Meanwhile, there's plenty to distract me at work and I'm utterly exhausted from all of it.  But, I'm going to put on a smile and be the happy, chipper Rebecca everyone knows.

Saturday randomness

How's about some saturday randomness?

• I'm a huge Gilmore Girls fan. I alternately like to imagine that I am Lorelai and then Rory. I love that it is in constant rotation on cable. Every several months or so we get to start over again and watch Rory grow up again. Love it. Great to clean to, exercise to, knit to, etc. (Although, lately they're playing two episodes a day which is testing my ability to keep up with my TiVo!) But... Recently I've realized that it is an IFer's nightmare. Someone seems to be pregnant all the flippin' time. And, very rarely are these pregnancies planned. (Those that are seem to come really easily.) I mean, I suppose the premise of the entire show is an unplanned teen pregnancy, so it is no big shock. (If you've never watched and plan to you should stop reading as this has lots of spoilers...) But, the final couple of seasons just seem to be overflowing with them: Luke discovers his daughter from a 12 year earlier accidental pregnancy. His sister gets pregnant -- never explicitly said to be a surprise, but it seems like one. Lane gets pregnant the first time she has sex...with TWINS, no less. Sookie gets pregnant with her third because her husband lied about getting a vasectomy. I have to say it is getting a little old and seeing everybody's pregnant bellies grow and grow so quickly each week is a bit much. I can't believe IF is taking away my enjoyment of my favorite relaxing TV show. Sigh...
• I survived the first couple of classes of the semester. Thank goodness that our first week of class is only Thursday and Friday. Seriously, I'm not sure if I can survive an entire week of school right now. I'm already fantasizing about next weekend being a three day weekend for Labor Day. This was just exhausting. All of the sudden all of my classes, research, service, etc., etc. all have started in full tilt and I'm back to being pulled in a thousand directions at once and my to do list just quintupled in size and I'm already feeling overwhelmed. This isn't good. On Thursday afternoon, one of my advisees stopped by and practically the first thing out of his mouth was "you look really tired." Seriously, on the first day? Oy. This truly doesn't bode well for the rest of this semester. Not to mention that one of my classes yesterday seemed to consist mostly of me doing incredibly dorky things. I like to make sure new students know I'm accessible and, yes, often a dork but this was getting ridiculous!! Ah well. It will get better as we get back into the swing of it. I know it will. Right now, though, all I want to do today is relax, do laundry, knit and stare at the walls. (Well, and catch up on my Gilmore Girls.) But, there is so much to do already to get ready for next week!
• You know how some days are just angry IF days? Today is one of those days when every so often it just hits me how unfair and ridiculous IF is. I can't stop thinking about it. I hate that it seems to be the focus of my life. I hate that it seems to kill off friendships. I hate that any one of us has to deal with this. It just makes me so mad. I want to scream and yell up and down the street that this just isn't fair. We don't deserve this. We deserve to be parernts. We don't deserve feeling guilty about any of the actions we choose to take to help us be parents. We don't deserve having to read hurtful comments about people who choose to do ART. I'm not sure why today is just one of those days, but it is.

Stress dreams

While I was in my office today chatting with an alumnus, someone was visiting with a screaming baby right outside of my office.  I kept thinking "they couldn't possibly have already released the new baby, right?"  I couldn't focus on the conversation because of the screaming and that IF instinct to hide from all babies.

Suddenly I flashed back to my dream from last night that I had completely forgotten.  I was teaching a class in a tiered lecture hall.  There were probably 70 or so students filling the room.  I walked into the room, looked out at the class and there, in the front row, was a student holding an infant.  I thought "well, that's odd."

Then, I looked up and, two rows back, there was another student holding a toddler who was trying to squirm out of her arms.

Then, in the back row, there was another student nursing a newborn.

I thought "oh, I forgot that we let people come to class with their babies, now.  How the hell is this going to work?  This kind of sucks."

Then, I suddenly remembered that I was in the classroom for my 11:30 class (as were all of my 11:30 students) despite the fact that it was 8:30 and I was supposed to be teaching another class across campus (in reality it is across a parking lot, but in the dream it was miles away) and I had to run to the class and was crazy stressed to get there.

Those of you who are teachers out there will totally recognize this type of dream (although, adding the babies into the mix was a new one for me and just shows where my mind really is right now).  I remember realizing that I'd "officially" become a teacher when I stopped having stress dreams that involved showing up late to a class/forgetting a class/not studying for a test, etc. as a student and started having dreams where I forgot to teach a class/showed up late for class/spent an entire class screaming at the top of my lungs trying to get people to pay attention to me/forgot to plan anything for lecture/made it through a whole semester without going to a class and wondered how no one seemed to notice, etc. as a teacher.

But, seriously, are my stress dreams now going to involve teaching and babies?  Yeesh.

It is kind of funny

So, the preggo wasn't at the meeting yesterday.  Her husband was.  He had to leave in the middle of the meeting. He introduced himself and announced that his wife wasn't there because she was due at any moment.  Thirty seconds later his phone rang.  He had to leave.  She was in labor. 


Just now I got to hear a SCREAMED conversation in front of my door trying to decide if the baby had been born, yet, or not.  (I think the final conclusion was that he was.)

Good times!

It really is funny.  If it weren't for IF I'd think it was cute!  I'm retraining my thinking.  Isn't this the sweetest story that they'll be able to tell?

I'm going to remind myself WHY I'm not jealous of her: 
She will barely be able to take any time off and then will have to go back to work
She has a teenage son that she had as a teenager and now a toddler and an infant

OK, that's all I've got.

I'm going to throw myself into my work, now.

Movin' right along...

...in search of good times and good news, with good friends you can't lose, this could become a habit!

(undying love and 70s/80s bonding to anyone who knows what that's from...)

So, yep, we're moving on again. AF showed up yesterday afternoon right on time. It's so stupid because I knew the witch was coming (my temps were dropping and I was crampy) but I couldn't help but keep that small bit of hope -- I wasn't spotting, maybe this was the same as last time?? I think I enjoyed the irony of the BFP while on a down cycle waiting for an IVF consult so much that I was hoping that I could continue that irony and get pregnant on the "first try" after taking so long before. Ah, well.

So, it is back to waiting to O. And, of course, feeling like a hormonal, crampy, depressed bitch during the first week of school is always fun! Whoopee! What a fun reminder of where I thought I would be this week and where I'm not! Yay! This is awesome and cool!

Seriously, if anyone out there has some tips for how to NOT focus on what SHOULD have been, I'd really appreciate it. I keep trying to ignore all the "shoulds" becuase I know this is just making it worse, but I can't seem to do it. It isn't as bad as when I first miscarried -- I sometimes have to do the math to figure out where I would have been -- but I still can't help myself from doing the math every so often.

Today is the freshman welcome day that I've been dreading. The whole department will introduce themselves and tell their hobbies. Every one of them will mention their kids -- we're expecting, we just took them to college, they're driving now, they just started pre-K, we're changing diapers, etc. The preggo that I hate is now past her due date so she'll probably be waddling in along with her husband and they'll talk about how their hobby is waiting to give birth at any moment while playing with their 18 month old. I'll try to come up with a hobby that doesn't include monitoring my body for twinges or counting where I "should" be. I'll try not to think about my cramps. I'm skipping the rest of the evening's activities but I can't skip this part.

My first classes are on Friday. And, yeah, I had calculated many, many months ago that I would be exactly 21 weeks the day classes started. So, I can't get that one out of my head.

Ok, so this wasn't supposed to be a whining, sympathy-seeking post. I'm trying to stay positive and look forward to the next go around.

Oh, and thanks to all those who commented on my house-hate post. We went sofa shopping this weekend and are still working on the kitchen idea. It also all lead to some more good honest emotional talks between my DH and me. And, that never happens (he claims that he isn't hiding his emotions, he just doesn't have any...), so that is a good side effect of all of this.

Welcome ICLW!

Hi and welcome! I'm excited for ICLW and to meet some new people!

For anyone who is new a quick summary of our IF journey (details in the sidebar):
-- TTC since 10/08
-- blocked tube opened by hysteroscopy 12/09
-- 6 medicated cycles (including 4 IUIs)
-- took a month off of meds, tried on our own surprise BFP 04/10
-- missed m/c found at 11.5 weeks 06/10

Right now we're waiting for AF to show at the end of our first cycle back to TTC since the m/c. My temps have started dropping so I'm not feeling too positive about it. AF is due tomorrow or Monday. After it took 20 cycles the first time it would probably have been a bit much to expect it to happen in only one cycle once we started again! Hard to get that out of my head, though. I sometimes feel like I've gone back to when we first started.

In my other life -- you know, the one where I'm not obsessed with the current state of my or my DH's reproductive organs during every waking moment -- I'm a chemistry teacher at a small college. Today was Freshman move-in day. I always feel SO nostalgic on this day. I make it a point to go to campus and see the parents with their kids. Everyone looks so excited and nervous. The parents are proud and sad at the same time. The kids are trying to look independent but are scared to death. I remember that feeling. The world is in front of them and it is incredible!

And, of course, every year I have the same feeling "Holy crap! They're so young!!!!!" I graduated high school in 1991 and, if I'd had kids right out of high school, these kids could be mine. I may very well be about the same age or just a little younger than some of their PARENTS. OMG.

OK, moment of freak out about age is over.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you hang around!

I love my mom; I hate my house

Hiya folks.

I'm not sure how almost a week has gone by since I last posted.  I keep opening Blogger and staring at the empty box and getting nowhere.

I spent the weekend in Atlanta with my parents.  Mostly I spent time with my mom.  I almost didn't make it down there because of crazy weather delays and last minute flight changes, but thankfully I made it because I really needed some "mom" time as I haven't had any family interaction since the m/c and I needed it.  Spent the weekend hanging around with my parents and other family.  My mother and I shopped (didn't buy much, but shopping was an excuse to be together) and talked and stopped at coffee shops and talked and cried and talked and ate and ate and talked some more.  It was just what I needed.  My mom has always been my best friend and it's been so hard to keep that up since I moved away 8 years ago.  I miss her so much.  I just needed someone I knew would listen to me and who would be there while I cried and listen to my fears about IF and the m/c.  My DH tries, but he doesn't know what to do with me most of the time.  The trip was really his idea because he knew I needed her.

Unfortunately, as soon as I got back home, all my stress and anxiety about IF, my m/c, my house and school starting rushed back in.  My DH and I have been trying to figure out what to do about our living situation for a while.  I hate our house.  My DH doesn't hate it (it was his before I moved in) but he does hate the situation we're in with it right now.  It is falling apart and in horrible shape.  It is full of crap because my DH is a pack rat and I'm just disorganized and we have no storage and so things just keep piling up around us until it feels like the walls are closing in.  (I'm afraid the crew of Hoarders is going to walk in and start filming an episode at any moment.)  The problem is that we like the location (we can walk to work) and there aren't any other options around that would be much better that we could afford. We live in a small, poor, rural college town. Houses here are either old and in bad shape or only affordable by the "rich" in town.  So, we've been saving money to put into the house.  Neither one of us is really sure it is worth putting too much into the house, though, because I think it really would take a complete re-build for it to be worth it.  And, if we tried to sell it, the only people who would buy it would buy it for a student rental (that's what it used to be) so we wouldn't get much return on any money we put into it.

It needs new windows.  It needs new siding (we've been in the process of scraping and painting it for about three years).  The heat and air conditioning don't work upstairs and we have to use window units and space heaters.  We couldn't actually bring a child home to it the way it is right now.  The kitchen and bathrooms need a complete overhaul.  The house is about 60 years old and that's the last time the kitchen and downstairs bathroom were touched.  Tiles are falling off the walls in the bathroom.  The kitchen is minuscule and I hate cooking in it.  So, I end up not cooking and we eat horribly.  There is an ancient electric stove that only has two working burners.  (I finally had to buy a two-burner hot plate to put next to it to save my sanity.)  We keep saying we're going to replace it, but I want a gas stove and we have to run the gas line to do that, so we keep putting it off until we know what we plan to do with the kitchen altogether.  There is about 2 1/2 feet of usable counter space and no storage.  I'm desperate for a dishwasher.  But, because the kitchen is so small, it would take a major remodel to put one in.

So, we're looking into renovating it.  But, to do it the way we really want to will cost way more than it is worth it for this house.  The estimates we were working with seemed reasonable but we just got new estimates that make it impossible to consider.  After we got the numbers yesterday everything just got to be too much.  The money for the kitchen. Recognizing that, if we stay here, I will never like this house.  No matter what we do to it, it is never going to be enough.  Knowing that there aren't any other alternatives we can afford.  Not being pregnant.  Having a m/c.  Starting back to school and not being able to get out of my head the image I had of what this year was going to look like and knowing it is changed. 

Add to all of that being 8DPO yesterday and hormonal and not sleeping at night because of stress and it just all came to a head.  I cried harder and longer than I've cried since we've been TTC.  We had a good talk but we came to one pretty rotten conclusion -- things suck right now and there aren't any good options.

In the light of day, things aren't as bad.  I still hate the house.  I still can't have anyone over because it is just such a mess.  We still can't put the money into it.  But, I think we're going to try to take it one step at a time and redo the living room.  If we at least had one room in the house that wasn't full of crap and looked like actual professional adults lived in it instead of poor grad students, that might help.  My DH is trying to come up with some alternatives for the kitchen.

Truly, I think part of the stress is that I don't want to spend any money on the house because I'm still afraid, in the end, we're going to need that money for treatments.  That's the main reason we haven't done anything to the house prior to now -- we've been holding onto it for a while "just in case." But, I hate the situation we're living in right now and that is only adding to my anxiety.  (And, as we all know, if I could just "relax" I'd get pregnant and stay that way, right?)

"In service" started today at school and it was a day of meetings with depressing statistics about budget cuts.  I'm trying to get excited for the new semester.  So far, it isn't working...

Time to wait...

Thanks for all the congrats for the student loans. Mine weren't as bad as they could have been, but they still weighed on my head! We had a celebratory dinner out last night. We talked about what to do with the money that will no longer be going to my loans every month. Likely just to savings and retirement, but we're getting started on some home renovations, too, so that will help.

As to TTC... We're officially in the 2WW, now. I believe I O'd on Monday -- CD14. Look how "normal" I am! We got a "high" rating from FF for our BD schedule. In a flashback to the TTC boards: I hope we caught the eggie! :)

I was hoping I would be better at not obsessing, now. When I got pregnant, the only "symptom" that was different from ANY other month of PMS was that my temperature stayed high and I didn't start spotting (except from a bloody nose). So, I told myself that there wasn't any point in paying attention to anything else. But... here it is 3DPO, when nothing could possibly mean ANYTHING and I'm already starting to obsess! I can't help compare my chart to all of the previous ones and wonder what will happen next. Yesterday there was bright red blood in my CM and I can't help obsess about it! Even though it is likely just cervical irritation from the previous days' activities as I read that your cervix can be more sensitive after a m/c (and BDing was a little painful this month). And, even though something at 2DPO can't mean anything. Sigh. It doesn't go away.

It is funny (well, not funny "haha") how many of us are starting over this month at about the same time. I really hope that none of us have to wait too long for a little bean who sticks around. (((Hugs))) to all of you.

A momentous occasion

It's official. On 08-09-10, nearly 19 years to the day since I started college, I finished paying for it. Can I tell you how good it felt to click the button that said "pay the full pay off amount" yesterday? My student loans are gone. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted.

A mixed weekend

Friday evening was a bridal shower for a friend.  We're really not very close, but her fiancé is one of my husband's closest work friends and drinking buddy.  I only really knew one other person there (my friend D).  I'm not really a party person or particularly into awkward social gatherings where I don't know anyone. 

And, of course, there were many discussions about when the new couple would have kids.  I wanted to slap the woman next to me who kept going on about how long after getting married you should have kids and that you should then have them be exactly four years apart -- because that's what she planned and did and it is just perfect.  Wouldn't you LOVE to be able to plan something like that?   ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!   I also realized that my friend D (who is 29) has a timeline in mind for when she and her husband are going to start trying -- and it seems like it might start soon.  This makes me nervous because she and her husband are our "go to" childless friends.  D said, for the umpteenth time, that she's certain that she's uberfertile because her family has 7 sets of fraternal twins.  I feel alternately anxious that D will have twins the moment she starts trying and anxious that D will get stuck in IF hell and have no one in her family who could understand.

A definite positive:   the shower was where our wedding and reception were held.  It is a beautiful converted horse barn (it never actually had horses in it) in the country.  I hadn't been there since our wedding and I just love it so much.  They had a book of pictures of some of the weddings that have happened there as advertisement. I swear, at least half the pictures were from ours!  It was so nice to look back at it all and remember how wonderful it was.

Overall, the shower was really nice and I had a good time.   But, you all know the feeling:  "crap, another one married, what if they have kids before we do??!!!"

Saturday was our younger nephew's first birthday party.  I really haven't been looking forward to it.  And, it was just as hard as I thought it would be.  I found out about two new pregnancies while we were there.  The hardest one being my SIL's in-laws who are 8 years younger than I and got married a year after we did and who are due two months before I would have been.  Fun.  There were so many children running around under the age of 3.  I was near tears the entire time.  I hated it.  I put on a happy face and did my best to be helpful and remember that this really had nothing to do with me.  I also hid in the bathroom multiple times and cried.

Allow me to wallow in self pity for a moment.  This younger nephew was conceived about two months after we started trying.  The announcement came via u/s picture on-line on the day I got AF after we'd been trying for 5 months (remember when that felt like a long time?)  He was born on day 6 of my first Clomid cycle and we went to visit him the next day when I was going through crazy mood swings and hot flashes and had a migraine that was so bad I couldn't turn my head.   I was visiting him a few months later when I got a phone call telling me that my FSH levels were high.  We got the invitation for his first birthday party the day after I started miscarrying.  He's the sweetest child in the world and I love him, but at this point every association I have with him seems to remind me of my childlessness.  I had been looking forward to being comfortably pregnant at his party but, instead, I just felt more hollow.

Oh, and apparently I scare small children now.  My SIL's friend's 2 year old was so terrified of me that if he was playing and turned around and saw me he'd get this look of utter horror on his face, back away slowly and go to his mom and say "hold me."  He didn't have a problem with anyone else.  Just me.  Apparently he's never done this before.  Everyone thought it was funny.  And, it was.  Except for the fact that it wasn't.  I don't know what horror I reminded him of, but it really didn't help my self esteem or my anxiety about the party in general.   Good times.

OK, I'll stop whining, now.  Just needed to get that all out. 

"Trying" again

It is CD 11 and we're "trying" again.

Can I just say how weird it is to be back in this place?  Waiting.  Wondering.  Worrying.  Uh...wobbling?  (I was liking the "W" words.)  Back to waiting to O.  Back to watching (ooh, there's a good "W") every sign and worrying that we're going to miss it.  It feels like it's been years since we did this.  I haven't sat in bed counting on my fingers to figure out what cycle day it is since April.  And, that cycle was so crazy with traveling and the end of the school semester and reading scary IVF packets and assuming that it couldn't happen that I don't really remember it so well -- there was temping and OPKs and timed BD'ing, but it was out of desperation.  Before that?  It had been since October of last year that we had an un-medicated, un-monitored, totally on our own cycle.  And, that was only because the cycle was canceled due to Clomid-induced giant cysts.  Which was after a cycle that was canceled because of Clomid-induced thin lining.  Which was after a cycle that was canceled due to Clomid-induced giant cysts.  Which was after our first Clomid cycle.  Which was after an HSG (Eek! Scary, horrible, painful flashbacks!!!) cycle that showed a blocked tube and started this whole "maybe we do need help" business.

So, really?  It has been since June of last year that I had a completely unmonitored, no doctors involved, "hey, maybe we could get pregnant, other people do" cycle.

It's weird, really.  That's all I can say about it.  I don't know what to think.  I'm vaguely excited to get started again.  I'm nervous because part of me keeps assuming we'll get pregnant this cycle and I'm really trying to squash that part so I'm not so disappointed when it doesn't happen.  I'm hormonal -- it is definitely getting towards O time.  I'm feeling constant reminders that I am decidedly not pregnant anymore.  I'm anxious that I'll O late and we'll be exhausted trying to BD enough to catch it.  I'm anxious that I'll O early and we'll miss it altogether because we're just not "into" BD'ing enough anymore to get started early enough to catch it.  I'm missing monitoring and IUIs where I didn't have to be the one who was keeping track of all of this.  I'm tempted to use the 5 month old expired trigger shot I have in my fridge once I start having strong enough O pains just to feel like I'm doing something.  I'm sad we're here -- I can't stop thinking about what we've lost. I'm happy we're here -- I'm glad it's finally time to move forward and I can do something about trying to get pregnant again instead of just constantly waiting and feeling like time is just passing me by.

It's just weird.