I feel like I'm stuck in a permanent case of "where does the time go?" lately. D and S turned 11 months yesterday [or, three weeks ago if you will...]. That means that we are ONE MONTH [yeah, one week] away from their first birthday! Seriously? That really blows me away. I don't know how this has happened. It makes me happy and sad all at once. Much more happy than sad. While I sometimes miss the little quiet, sleepy snuggly bugs that they were, I absolutely LOVE the toddlers that they're starting to become. I feel like now I can start to picture them as they grow up and become kids rather than feeling like we are stuck in the land of babies. Not that the land of babies is a bad place to be -- it's just fun to see them in "the future."
So, at 11 months [and three quarters] or 9 months [and three quarters] adjusted, let's see where we are.
Let's start with me. Why not? I'm doing OK. I've been back at work part time (most afternoons) as I work on projects for my sabbatical. It's going...OK. I'm looking forward to the summer where we'll have more consistent childcare and I'll be able to get some more things done. I LOVE being with the boys but I also really do enjoy my work and miss it. When I think of not being with the boys during the day, though, it also makes me very sad to think of what I'll miss with them. Working parenthood is a tough thing.
I'm starting to wean off the pump. I plan on winding down until the boys' first birthday. Why have I kept going? I guess I'm just stubborn and have a tendency to obsess once I get going with something. It has been something that worked for our family. I think the boys' prematurity has been one of the main reasons it was possible. Getting into the habit while they were still in the hospital and I didn't have any other "baby" responsibilities made it possible for us. Having a supportive husband made it possible. Being off work (and then part time) made it possible. Figuring out how to play on the floor with the babies while attached to the pump made it possible. I wish I could say things like "breastfeeding was such a wonderful bonding experience with my children" but I can't. I think back to the times I did nurse and it makes me smile wistfully. (I actually tried to get S to nurse the other day when he was fussy and he thought I was nuts.) But, I can say that every bottle I produced and every time I watched the boys eat, I thought "I did that for them" and it made me happy. Was it crazy? Possibly. But, it was what I needed to do. And, for our family, it worked.
Someone said to me recently that she didn't think she could be so "selfless" as to do all this pumping. It's funny, because it made me realize that, in many ways, this has been one of the most selfISH things I've ever done. Yes, I'm doing it for my children, but doing it has taken time away from my house, my life -- I won't say my children, though, because that was paramount to me. If it ever felt like it was taking time from them, then I would have stopped. I just had to find ways to integrate it with our lives. But, yeah, my house suffered. Time to cook or clean definitely suffered. So much of it has been to make ME feel better about not being able to nurse and make ME feel less guilty about the boys' prematurity. I know they would have been fine with formula. But, pumping has made me feel better. So, yeah, an incredibly selfish selfless act on my part.
[The weaning is going pretty well, so far, although my nipples are taking a beating -- pumping less frequently has definitely made them more sensitive. I had some incredibly high moments of anxiety as I started to decrease the number of times I pump a day and the length of pumping sessions -- I can't decide if it was a hormonal thing or just watching volumes I'd worked so hard to increase go down. I'm down to one pump a day, now, and about 1/4 the volume I had before. I'm planning on phasing it out completely this coming week. It's kind of been a crazy thing.]
And, you know what? I was originally going to do a detailed "review" (that's not the right word but I'm at a loss for a better one...) of D and S but I'll never finish it right now. So, I think I'll wait until their first birthday. Or, more likely, I'll try to find some time here and there over the next few weeks to get something written that will, eventually, hopefully, be posted before they are actually 12 months adjusted age (in late June...)
So, to tide you over, here are a couple of pictures! (And, yes, we are Iowa State fans around here...)
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| D, in a rare non-smiley moment |
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| S, chewing anything he can get his hands on |
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| Working together? Sure... |
