Better

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. It made me feel so much better to have other people who understand and share my righteous indignation! My DH didn't get it when I called him and just couldn't understand why it made me so sad. I keep going back and forth between OK and sad about it. I think the worst of it is that this second baby will, once again, see my parents as her pseudo-grandparents since her actual grandparents live a state or two away.

I haven't really talked with my mother about it -- we've been talking all week, but I've been too afraid to mention it. I'm afraid I'm going to break down. Maybe that would be a good thing, but lately I've just been trying to keep it together and I'm afraid what will happen if I completely open up. I'm leaving tomorrow morning to go back home and I don't see talking about it before then. I'm sure my mother doesn't remember that she never told me that they were expecting again. So, I feel like I would make her hurt more and that makes me feel worse. This doesn't feel like the best solution on my part -- I'm big on ignoring things and hoping they'll go away -- but I can't really do much else right now.

Things have been better since then. The next two nights were all adult events. Sometimes it's just nice to have grown-up conversations that don't revolve around chasing kids and pregnancies.

Today my mother's close friend (one of my favorite people) came over with my mother's other pseudo grandchild. My mother's friend (who has essentialy adopted the little boy's mother) even refered to my mom as "Grandma P" and my step-dad as "Grandpa S" when she was talking to him about them. That broke my heart a little. This little boy, though, could break through the worst mood and the worst jealousy. He is about 2 1/2 and must be the happiest, funniest, most adorable child I've ever met. We played on the iPad together for a while (he was fascinated and figured the whole thing out within 2 minutes) and I just couldn't stop laughing. He made me smile and I needed a kid to remind me that I do still love other people's children and I don't need to feel like I can't interact with them because I'm the "infertile" in the room.

Tomorrow (OK, today by the time you read this most likely) is my birthday. I've always been one of those weird people who actually looks forward to getting older. I think I feel like I get more authority or something? No idea. Anyway, I'm happy to turn 36. I'm not where I thought I would be but I'm ready to move forward with a new year. I feel like the combination of birthday and new year gives me a doubly clean slate to work with. This year has had some amazing highs and lows, but it is time to move on.

To everyone, I hope that 2011 brings you all much joy and happiness. I can't tell you how much you've meant to me over the past year. For all the pain and stress that 2010 has brought, one of the biggest bright spots has been becoming part of this bloggy community. I don't know where I'd be without you!

Can't wait to go home and hug my husband and my kitty.

(I'm going to stop now before the "sappiness" factor explodes...)

Blindsided

After two days of flight delays and cancelations, I've finally made it to my parents' house in Atlanta for a few days. (Atlanta does not handle snow well -- even just a dusting.) I've had mixed emotions about this visit. I want to see my parents and spend some time with them. I want to talk to my mother a bit more about what's been happening with us.

At the same time, though, I didn't want to talk about any of it. I didn't want to see the rest of the family that I will inevitably be paraded in front of. Yes, I know, it's a good thing that I have this family and that they want to see me. I appreciate them all. But, you know, sometimes I just don't want to deal with them. And, right now is definitely one of those times. I've been really low for the past two weeks or so and not handling other people particularly well. I just want to cocoon until this last-chance-to-be-pregnant-before-I-was-due cycle, this 2ww, this surgery, this unfulfilled EDD, this crappy year, this birthday are over. Maybe that's not the healthiest response, but it's what I'm feeling.

With all the delays, I managed to miss my mother's cousins' party yesterday. Thank G-d. It was a full day event of family. I don't think I would have handled it well.

I've had a migraine all day, but my mother and I managed to talk quite a bit about what's going on now and treatments and surgery, etc. I still don't think she really has any concept of how hard things are for me right now, but at least I've been open about it.

But then...

My stepfather's nephew and his wife wanted to go to dinner. This is the couple whose daughter is one of my mother's substitute grandchildren. I suppose I should have expected it. And, in a way it wasn't that surprising. Their daughter is almost two, after all. But, when we walked into the restaurant, what do you think I saw?

The mom is pregnant, of course.

I mean, I was wondering. But, I just didn't want to ask, you know? I figured my mother would tell me if she was. And, I figured if she was and she hadn't told me, yet, she couldn't be TOO pregnant.

But, no. She was seven months along if she was a day.

I was already bracing for an evening of my mother cooing over their daughter (who absolutely loves my mom) but I wasn't ready for this.

I appreciate that my mother probably didn't tell me when she first found out because it was shortly after my loss. But, really? In all the months since then you couldn't have mentioned it? Really? You thought the best way for me to find out would be when her giant damn belly hit me when I went to hug her "hello?"

REALLY?

F*** you. I don't give a s*** if you forgot you didn't tell me. I would think after a day of us sitting around together talking about IF treatments and my loss and my other cousin's losses and pregnancies in general (and even that damn Similac box) that you MIGHT have f'ing mentioned what I would see when we went to dinner. If you had just TOLD me then I would have been prepared. I wouldn't have stared slack-jawed. I would have actually participated in the conversation instead of having "she's pregnant, how far along, boy or girl, when is she due, why didn't you tell me, how could you not tell me, when did she get pregnant, was I still pregnant, did they have problems, was it easy, was it hard, he's such a great daddy, must act nice, must act happy, must keep smiling" going on a constant loop through my head.

When we were leaving, I thought "phew, I made it, I didn't cry, I didn't scowl, I smiled at them, I smiled at the baby, I did it." And then they started going on about how we definitely needed to get together again before I leave on Friday morning. Dinner again but at someone's house? We need more time to just hang out.

WHY?

While I sat in the back of the car with a headache on the way home, I got to listen to my stepdad talk about how cute the baby was and how smart and how he wonders how she'll be as a big sister. I think my mother finally started to get the picture because she sort of mumbled answers and didn't really engage the conversation or attempt to get me to participate.

I'm hiding upstairs, now. I'm trying to remember that the world isn't all about me. I'm trying to remember that every baby is wonderful and their having one isn't the cause of my not having one. I'm trying to remember that my mother didn't do it on purpose. I'm trying not to be so sensitive.

But, mostly, I'm trying not to cry.

At least, not too loudly.

Dear Similac

It's not that I'm ungrateful.  I'm not.  If I were actually due with a baby in two weeks then I would really appreciate the complimentary box of formula that was delivered with a bewildered grin and glance at my stomach by the mailman this Christmas Eve.  I'm sure I don't look like the typical woman he's dropped these off for in the past -- either "about to pop" or with a hungry baby.  I plan on trying to breastfeed, but I also know I may need to supplement or that breastfeeding might not work for us for a myriad of reasons and having a box of formula would be great. 

If I were pregnant.

But, I'm not. 

I waited until I was 7 weeks pregnant and had seen the heartbeat (low chance of miscarriage after that, or so they say) to register with two on-line "your baby week-by-week" websites.

I made sure to check "do not give my name to your partners," but you're so sneaky that you got it anyway.

When I lost my baby five weeks later I took my name off of all of those lists.  Not that it's easy -- you can't really check a box that says "miscarriage" on your profile.  You just do your best to unsubscribe or "change your due date." 

I got a few coupon books from you about four months ago.  It made me sad, but I figured that was all it would be.

But this early Christmas present, while very sweet, just reminds me -- in case I'd forgotten -- of what "should have been" right about now.  And that, instead, I'm preparing for surgery to be performed the day before I was supposed to be "due."

And, it does make me sad. But, at the same time, for the first time in a while I have a lot of hope right now. We have a new plan and I want to think it will be a fruitful one.

I wanted you to know, though, that I'll be donating that box, unopened, to the local food bank along with a check in memory of my loss.

And, believe me, the next time (and there will be a next time), I won't be registering on any of those lists.

Sincerely,

Rebecca

Updates and welcome ICLW!

Hi everyone and welcome any ICLWers. I kept going back and forth about whether I was going to participate in ICLW this month, but I thought I'd miss it too much if I didn't!

For anyone who is new, the details of our IF story are in the sideline. Briefly -- my DH and I have been TTC since October 2008 and working with an RE off and on since August 2009. We got pregnant after 20 months on a non-treatment cycle, but miscarried. We're now on our 6th cycle trying again after the loss. I just had my first appointment with a new RE (Dr. Smiles) last week and we're getting started on a new plan. See my previous post for an excessive amount of detail about that appointment! :)

I've heard back from the nurse and all the blood work came back normal. I don't have numbers (I'm going to get it next time I talk to them because I like numbers!) but the nurse said that the hormone levels were good and my vitamin levels were excellent -- Dr. Smiles was sure I'd have some vitamin issues as a vegetarian. Part of me wants to yell "Ha!" about that -- look, you can be healthy and a vegetarian!

This is, of course, a good thing. But anyone who has "unexplained infertility" can understand the slight disappointment that comes along with "good" results. I just want to know why this has been hard for us!

It appears that my insurance might actually cover the laparascopy since the fibroid is causing pain and is getting larger in comparison to previous scans. He'll look for endo or any adhesions while he's in there. I think that for my peace of mind I need to do it. We're waiting, now, to see if we get any sort of negative response from the insurance company. I'm not sure what we'll do if they say 'no.' I've been hurting a lot, lately, so I might push anyway. I think part of it is that whenever I have a cycle where I have a vaginal u/s, they push on the fibroid and my ovaries and then they hurt even more than normal. This cycle, I've had to stay on ibuprofen to keep from having shooting pain down my leg. So, yeah, I think I'd have to push for it no matter what. And, I think we are planning on doing a few injectable IUIs, so I think this will be best.

Right now, I have the surgery scheduled for Jan 5th. This would be ideal because classes start back on the 10th and I'd have several days for recovery and wouldn't miss any work. But...in order to make that date, I need to ovulate in the next day or two so that AF will show the day or two before then. My body is definitely heading that way, but it's a risk. If I don't ovulate soon (and, yeah, we're still trying this month because you never know...) then we'll have to put it off until the next week Monday or Wednesday which means I'd have to miss the first few days of the semester which I'd really rather not do.

So, if you could all send some pretty heavy duty ovulation vibes, I'd really appreciate it. Either I'll get AF in time or I'll find out I'm pregnant and skip the whole thing.

Can you guess which one I'm hoping for?! Hmm... surprise pregnancy or surgery? That's a tough one, really.

Happy anniversary to my parents!

Today is my parents' 29th anniversary. Now, some of you are going "hey, wait a minute, Rebecca is nearly 36 -- how does that work?" Well, when I refer to my "parents" I mean my mother and step-father. I haven't spoken to my actual father since I was 16 (that's a long drawn out story) but have never felt like I missed anything.

My mother and my step-father, S, first met when my mom was a kid. In fact, S taught her to drive when she was 15 and he was 22! At the time, he was dating her older sister. (!) I'm not sure how long they dated, but it seems like he was a pretty big fixture at their house for a while. My mother and father got married when my mom was only 20. At about that same time, S was getting divorced and had an infant son. S told me once that he ran into my mother and father at the library right before she got married and thought "she shouldn't be marrying him, she should be marrying me."

Fast forward 12 years -- my mother divorced my father when I was 4 and we moved in with my grandparents. A little over a year later, S, who had managed to date every unmarried Jewish woman in Atlanta by this time, ran into her at a party thrown by a mutual friend. Within a month they were engaged. Within five months, they were married -- after my mother asked her sister's permission, that is. At 6, I was my mother's maid of honor in long pigtails with a gap-toothed smile. My mother was 34, a year older than I was when I got married and a year younger than I am now. At the time, I thought she was old... :)

I feel like December 20th, 1981 is the day my family came together. I can't imagine life without S. We struggled when I was little and didn't appreciate him. My father was "cool" and S was trying to actually parent me. He was always trying to push me to be my best but was incredibly proud of me no matter what I did while my actual father just wanted to show me off and was disappointed in me more than anything else. My father just used me as a substitute when he couldn't find a date. S actually loved me.

And, most importantly, he loves my mother more than life itself. Their relationship is what made me understand that I could be loved and that true love was worth waiting for. Their relationship is what made me know that settling wasn't good enough. If my marriage can be as happy and stable and strong as theirs, then I am a lucky woman.

Anyway, I've been smiling all day as I think about them together. Just wanted to share.

To lap or not to lap, that is the question.

Hi folks!

I have so much information to process right now and decisions to make.  Most of the details below are to help me think things through -- there will be a brief summary at the end if you want to skip it.  :)

I think bullets will do it best:

• We really like the new RE (gonna call him Dr. Smiles).  He has a much better bedside manner than my old RE (renaming her Dr. Six-times -- Dr. Six) and seems to genuinely care about what he's doing.  Like I think he might actually remember who I am from appointment to appointment kind of "caring."  On first impression, the old office is fancier (i.e. more nicely decorated) and seems more "official" but the new one seems much more personal and the doctor is more involved in everything. (I think he knows how his office looks in comparison to the other one because he mentioned how he is building a new space across the street but that his office is state of the art. I think he almost feels like he has to defend himself against it.)  He is private practice while the other office is part of a school.  And, I honestly don't care what it looks like as long as it works!  I think his office is busier, though, and has far more cycles going on.  He, obviously, knows the other doctors (it's not that big of a town), and has mostly good things to say about them, but I think he understood why we were there.
• He seemed pretty surprised at how casually we'd been treated at the old office.  He felt like there were several red flags that were popping up in my file that showed that something was up and that we should be moving forward more aggressively than we have been so far. He was surprised that Dr. Six wasn't more aggressive when she did the hysteroscopy last year and was disappointed that she didn't investigate more to see what was happening with my left tube.  He asked with a quizzical look "So, this last beta in July is still from the pregnancy in April?  They just tested until it was zero?  And then just let you go?  Huh."  Yeah, that's what I thought, too.
• He started off essentially saying that looking at my chart he thinks there is a decent chance that I have some degree of endo. Which is interesting. He thinks it could be the cause of my intense mid cycle pain and pain during sex. When I've asked other doctors about this (basically every OB/Gyn or RE I've had since I became sexually active), they've brushed it off as ovulation pain that I must just be more sensitive to. Yes, I know it is due to ovulation, but it seems like it shouldn't be so painful that it can hurt to walk when I'm about to ovulate -- even when I'm not on fertility drugs.
• He did an u/s and talked a lot about what he was seeing. First off, can I tell you how much I appreciated that he did the scan himself and showed me what he was seeing and what it meant while he was doing it? I liked the u/s techs at the old RE's but I felt like I never knew what was happening. The tech would do a scan, I'd go sit in a room, the nurse would come to me with a report, some time later that day the nurse would show the scan to Dr. Six and sometimes I'd get a "correcting" phone call in the evening. I realize that they're all very busy, but I never felt like I had any idea what was going on.  And, obviously, Dr. Smiles won't always be able to spend that much time with us, but I feel like he'll always be willing to talk with me about what we're looking at.  He recognized that my DH and I are intelligent, well-educated scientists and that we can be trusted to understand medical terminology and statistics. (And, even if we weren't, I think anyone would like to be treated like they deserve to know what is going on!) 
• He found a decent sized fibroid that he says is in a "gray" area -- not a definite issue but could be. He said he was surprised at the number/size of follies I had while having an extremely thin uterine lining (would have expected there to be more estrogen present) and wants to do some blood work. He's concerned about my uterine lining in general and wonders if there is something hormonal going on.
• He took lots of blood for both hormone levels and vitamin deficiencies, etc.  (Woohoo for someone actually thinking data might be helpful when making decisions without my having to ask...imagine that.)  Hopefully results will be in tomorrow.
• He said that my DH's sperm count/quality is in the upper 3% of patients he has seen and that he should keep doing what he's been doing.  He said he seems to have contributed enough sperm in our previous 4 IUIs for 20 women.  (At least one of us is "excellent.") He said "you're having sex with a very fertile man -- something is wrong if you aren't conceiving."
• He doesn't seem too concerned about the miscarriage and is focusing on the positive side of it.  I am, too, at this point... at least I'm trying to.
• He's recommending injectable IUIs.  ("High octane" as he called them.) Surprisingly, I think I'm OK going that way. I felt more comfortable with his recommendation than I have with the info we've gotten from Dr. Six in the past. It seemed like he thought it through and thought it would give us a good chance. And, he knows the multiples risk and will be cognizant of that throughout.  But, he also seems to have a reasonable idea of how long we should try it before moving on. And, if we were to try IVF, we'd probably need to wait until the summer, anyway, so we might as well try this, now.
• He's recommending a lap because he wants to see what is happening with my tubes and investigate the possibility of endo.  He seemed less certain of the endo by the time he'd finished the examination, but still suspect.  I'm not sure what we're going to do there. If we can get our insurance to understand that it is for pain I will likely do it -- before we try any treatments because after that I'm certain they won't process it. But, we've had problems with my insurance before, so I'm not sure if it will happen.  For one thing, we've learned that they seem to refuse to pre-approve anything but might suddenly "un-approve" it after the fact. (There's also a possibility that our insurance company is about to drop the hospital he works for -- we're really hoping that a last minute negotiation keeps that from happening.) We can't afford to put all our money into a surgery that could very well find nothing and then have nothing left over for treatments. I'm not sure what to do.  I'm both afraid to do it and afraid not to do it.  (I was in this exact position about 14 months ago...)
• I like the staff -- the nurse was really nice and did an excellent job of drawing blood.  The rest of the staff seems really friendly, too.  
• There was a woman in another room that we could hear singing along to her iPod as she waited for something and Dr. Smiles and the nurse were both just really sweet about it.  They said "She's really happy and I hope that vibe gets to her ovaries, too."  I don't know, it just made the whole office seem really comfortable and made us all grin. 
• Did I get all my questions answered?  No.  Despite having them written down in front of me, I still managed not to ask some of them.  Yeesh.  I got so taken in by the discussions we were having with him that I got distracted and didn't manage to ask some of it.  But, I'll be talking to them soon and asking some of what I forgot. (Specifics about costs, pregnancy loss tests/differences "next time.")

My DH says that it's pretty obvious we should "officially" switch to Dr. Smiles.  The way he put it was that "He said everything you wanted to hear."  I asked him if that meant I was being taken in by a spiel?  (Dr. Smiles is definitely a good salesman.)  He doesn't really think so, but does think that it is obvious that I feel more comfortable with him than with Dr. Six.  So, I think that's where we're going no matter what we decide to do.  

Interesting side note -- his wife had five m/c in between their son and her current pregnancy (over 20 weeks after their fourth or fifth IVF -- he has all her u/s pictures on a board in his office).  I'm not sure if this makes him *too* understanding about this process or if it is a good thing.  I think it is a good thing.

I also realized I've come to a decision -- I'm willing to throw everything we can at this for one more year.  After that, I need us to move on with our lives one way or another.  So, it's time to be aggressive.

So, in summary: 

• We are happily switching to Dr. Smiles.
• We're waiting for some bloodwork.
• We're likely going to start doing injectable IUI cycles for a few tries.
• We may or may not be doing a lap -- any thoughts out there?  

Thanks to everyone for checking in on me! :)

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Tomorrow is our appointment with the new RE.  I'm trying not to get excited about it because I just don't want to be disappointed again.

Anyway, I thought I'd write out what I'm thinking before I go to the appointment in the hopes that it will help me feel less flustered when we're there.  I don't like "first appointments" with doctors because I always get anxious and forget what I wanted to ask.  So, lists are a good thing.

What blood tests do you plan to do?
I was always frustrated that the only blood work my previous RE ever did was baseline FSH/LH but only after I forced her to do it about 5 months into treatment.  (She did TSH then, too, but there was little point in that since I'd had it done recently.)  When the FSH level came back "borderline high," she said she wanted to be more aggressive because of it but then never was and that was a year ago.  Also, if they are coded as "screening," blood work is more likely to be covered by my insurance.  So, whatever you can test that way, do it! 

Do you think my left tube has any issues?
My previous RE originally looked at my HSG results and said she thought there might be scar tissue at the end of my left tube.  After opening the right tube with a hysteroscopy (we know it's open, now, because I O'd from there when I got pregnant) she said all should be fine with the left and no lap was needed to check it out.  When we were starting to talk about IVF four months later, she said that she thought the left tube might be forming a hydrosalpinx and wouldn't do IVF without checking it out with a lap first (because hydrosalpinx can cause fluid to go back into the uterus).  Looking at the HSG images, it looks nothing like a typical "sausage tube" hydrosalpinx.  I'd really like a second opinion on this.  Hopefully it won't involve getting another HSG, though, because that was incredibly painful for me.  And expensive.

Do you think there is any pregnancy loss blood work we should do?
I know I've only had one m/c and most likely it was a genetic issue, but I really don't want to find out after another one that a simple change could have made a difference.  If it takes another year to get pregnant, I don't think I can handle it if I lose another pregnancy and then find out there was an obvious problem.

How many "tries" of each new treatment do you do before moving on?
My previous RE was of the opinion that you should try each new thing 6 times before moving on.  That'd be great if I were 25.  I'm not.  Time is a bit more of the essence here. 

What is your opinion on injectable IUIs vs. IVF?
At this point, I don't know where I stand with this.  The one thing I'm pretty sure of is that I don't want to go back to Femara-IUIs.  I just don't see the point.  But, I'm torn between the "eh" success rates plus higher risk of multiples but cheaper vs. better success rates but crazy expensive option of IUI vs. IVF.  This new RE has much higher success rates (and numbers of cycles) for IVF than my previous RE for my age group.  Before I got pregnant, I was heavily leaning toward IVF as opposed to inject IUI.  So was my DH.  Now I think I still am, but I'm pretty sure he isn't.

Do you have discounts for self-pay?
Probably should ask this one first.  My previous RE had great discounts for self-pay for ultrasounds and IUIs and, if this new office doesn't, I'm pretty sure we're going to have to crawl back to my old RE no matter what.
I can't think of much else.  I honestly just want to get on with it already and do something.  I just want to feel more secure with the new doctor than the old one.  I want to feel like he's paying attention and taking me seriously.  I want to feel like he at least bothers to look at my file before talking to me and is consistent when we speak.

Of course, I won't know most of that at the first meeting.  But, really, at this point if I just had a plan that seemed realistic, I'd be good.

Meanwhile, I just gave my first final of the week.  Time to focus on grading for a while to distract me. 

Keep the futon out, honey

My DH and I decided a while back that the only way to keep timed intercourse from taking over our sex life was to separate it from "sex."  Mind you, we have been only marginally successful at keeping this separation.  But, the one thing we have been firm about is that timed intercourse takes place in a different room of the house than our bedroom.  That way, spontaneous sex hopefully doesn't remind us of timed sex.

So, there's a futon set up in the spare room.  It's been out for two years, now.  Even after I got pregnant, we kept it out waiting to get out of the first trimester afraid to jinx it.  But, eventually, we plan on putting it away.

When my DH starts to realize that it's been a week or two since we last used that futon, he asks me,  "When will we know what's happening with the futon?" 

When a cycle fails, I tell him, "Keep the futon out, honey."

As of today the futon stays out for at least another month.

On to the next...

(If anyone I know ever walks up to me and asks me anything about a futon I think I'll pass out from embarrassment.)

Howdy folks!

Good day to all of you out there in Blogland!  Today, I'm drinking a ginormous latte, so I'm feeling quite perky.  It's the last week of classes (woohoo!) and there's so much I need to be doing but, you know what?  I don't wanna!!!!  So, here I am.  Blogging while on caffeine. 

Let's see, what's up?

Thanks for the Chanukah wishes from last week!  :)  I'm still holding out a smidgen of hope for a Thanksgiving/Chanukah miracle.  AF is due tomorrow or Thursday (it would be today if this cycle was like last one).  Last night I was feeling quite crampy, but my temp hasn't plummeted, yet, so it looks like maybe another day or two?  No real symptoms one way or the other right now.  Feeling kind of blah about the whole thing.

Our first appointment with the new RE is next Tuesday.  I'm a bit annoyed about this because, if AF shows up in the next two days or so, I'll be on CD6 or 7 by the time we get there and it will likely be too late to do any baseline tests for the month.  Not that we were going to be able to do any treatments this month anyway with traveling, etc. for the holidays.  But, it just makes me SO frustrated to lose yet another cycle.  Remember how angry I was at my old RE for saying we needed to wait 6 months to start treatments?  Yeah, well, the joke's on us!  This is cycle 5 trying post m/c and we will be at nearly 7 months before we start anything again.  I know getting a second opinion and possibly moving on completely is a good decision (for many reasons) but it is just so frustrating.

I would utterly love the irony of getting pregnant this cycle before the appointment.  C'mon universe, you've done it before.  Do it again!!!

I find it so hard to believe that I've gone through an entire semester without trips to the RE.  I realized the other day that last academic year I spent every single month getting scanned and probed and either on some fertility drug or recovering from the damage of some fertility drug.  Every month involved multiple 3 hour round trips to the RE's office.  The first half of the summer I was pregnant.  The second half I was recovering from a miscarriage.  I feel like this semester has just felt empty.

I'm having a hard time, emotionally, dealing with the end of the semester, I think.  It's hard not to think about where I "should have been" at this point.  I was due the first week of January.  So, it's hard not to have that on my mind a lot right now.  I suck at trying to ignore it.

And, I turn 36 in about 3 weeks (New Year's Eve).  I can't believe I'm almost 36 and I started this when I was 33. I was so sure I'd be working on baby number two by the time I was 36.  The other day, a chemistry major was in my office for an interview for her freshman seminar class.  She was shocked when I said that I was in my 9th year teaching here (so am I, honestly) and said she thought I looked at most 30 (I've finally reached the age where I appreciate looking younger than I am -- it took a while before people stopped confusing me for a student).  I thanked her and told her how old I actually am.  She said "Really?  My mother is 36."  OMG.  I mean, yeah, that means she had her at 18, but still.  Wanna feel old?  Realize that your college students think of you as part of their parents' generation.

Please understand that I would never give up the life I have for that life.  I treasure my education, experiences, freedom and wonderful husband.  All of this would have been difficult if not impossible to have achieved if I'd taken that path.  Aside from IF (and occasional frustrations with students and colleagues), I really do love my life.

My DH is bracing for impact, I think.  He knows that I'm likely to collapse at some point over winter break.  It doesn't help that, of course, the rest of my family doesn't really understand why this time of year is going to be hard.  When I tried to say something to my mother about winter break being tough for me, she said "Why, what's wrong?  Did something happen?"  I know I shouldn't expect her to have my EDD etched in her mind as much as it is in mine. But, still.  I feel like she should understand what I'm going through more -- she TTC'd for a year then had a m/c at about 5 weeks the cycle before she conceived me.  But, she got pregnant again within a month after her loss so never really seems to have dwelt on the lost baby, never "saw" the baby on u/s (or even a positive pregnancy test for that matter -- this was pre-HPT and she hadn't gone to the doctor, yet), age was a little more on her side (although I'm sure 26 felt old in 1974) and, well, nearly 37 years have passed.  I guess it's a different thing.  She feels bad that I feel bad but doesn't seem to understand how much of an impact it has had on me.  I haven't been very open with her since the m/c about how I'm feeling about it.  Mostly because sometimes her sympathy can be a little overwhelming. So, it's my own fault for not getting the support I need. And, of course, no one else in my family thinks about it at all -- or at least, doesn't say anything to me about it.  And, I get that, but it's hard.

Lately, she keeps talking about how great it is that she gets to spend time with her "substitute grandchildren" (my term, not hers).  One is her great-niece who is almost 2 and the other is the adopted grandchild one of her best friends -- I think he's 2 1/2-ish, now.  She sends me e-mails telling me about how excited she is that she gets to babysit or how cute they are.  Or how much fun it is to look for/make presents for them.  Or, how great it is that they decided to have two separate Chanukah parties so that she got to have time to spend with each one of them separately.  (She doesn't really go on about this all the time, it's just kind of a cumulative thing.)  I don't think she has any idea how much this hurts me. My mother is a true optimistic Pollyanna and only sees the positive in everything.  In her mind, she may be pointing out that I should feel glad that she's able to have children in her life even if I haven't been able to provide them.  My negative, pessimistic self can only see that she's pointing out what I haven't given her.  And, really, if I did have kids she'd still spend more time with these kids than with my kids (I live 13 hours away, after all).

I'm trying to schedule time to go see her over winter break.  Hopefully if we can talk in person we can clear the air a bit.  Lately, I feel like I'm starting to avoid talking to her at all.  And that's not a good thing.

Yeah, can you tell AF is on the way?  I'm just feeling antsy and down.  I broke down in tears at Burger King with my DH today at lunch.  For no real reason.

OK, when I started this post earlier this morning I was feeling all perky but now I'm just feeling blah.  Still jittery from the caffeine, but blah.

Let's try this again: 

Just a week from today and we'll get to meet a new RE!  Hopefully we'll have a plan in place, soon, that will lead to a baby.  And, hey, maybe I'm pregnant, now, and that appointment will just be to confirm betas!  It's the last week of classes and I can't wait to have my grading behind me and some time off.   I'll have so much time over break to get things accomplished both for work and at home.  And, it's going to be great to visit my family!  I hope you're all having an excellent Tuesday!

Do you believe in miracles?

I've been feeling kind of down about the holidays, lately.  I'm far away from family and I've honestly just not seen much point in celebrating Chanukah this year.  Lighting the candles by yourself or with your goy (non-Jewish) husband who (with good intentions) asks "when are you going to sing the nonsense songs?" and "what is wrong with this holiday that it keeps moving around so much?" just doesn't have the same appeal as fighting over who gets to light each candle with your cousins as your grandmother smiles in the background covered in flour from making burmuelos (little fried doughnuts drenched in honey).  I've been so isolated away from all things Jewish living out here in rural Missouri for the past 8 1/2 years that I've started to lose sight of why any of it matters.

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly down after I was leaving my therapy session.  My therapist actually said "one of our other counselors adopted and then his wife got pregnant, like two months later!  I don't know if they just relaxed or what, but you hear about it all the time!  Maybe you need to relax."  Seething, I had to "school" her on how incredibly hurtful that is to say to someone who is infertile and now I'm questioning whether I need to find a new counselor (perhaps the one who adopted...)

Chanukah was starting last night, and I was questioning whether I was even going to bother lighting the first candle.

I turned on NPR for the ride home, and they were interviewing Matisyahu -- an Hassidic Reggae artist (yes, that's a little odd...).  He was talking about Chanukah and why there aren't a lot of Chanukah songs and, at the end of the interview, sang his new song "Miracle." 

I started crying.  By the end, I was singing along.  I came home and found the video on-line -- the Chanukah story told through, of all things, hockey -- the "Miracle on Ice." 



Love it.  I haven't been able to stop singing it since with a smile and tears running down my face. 

I took out the menorah that my grandmother bought in Israel and lit the first candle.  When she died eleven  years ago, this was the one thing of hers that I begged the rest of the family to let me have.  Singing the blessings with tears in my eyes, I could hear my grandma and see her hands as she lit the shamash (helper candle) in my tiny hand so I could light the first candle of the night.  I said a silent prayer that next year I'd have a little one to watch the beautiful flickering glow as we place our menorah in the window.

Inspiring.  We can overcome.  We can get beyond infertility.  The odds are against us but we can do it.

Bound to stumble and fall, but my strength comes not from man at all.
Bound to stumble and fall, but my strength comes not from man at all!

Do you believe in miracles?   

Happy Chanukah!!! :)

Sad news

Please stop by to give some love to Gurlee.  She just found out today that her baby's heartbeat was gone.  She was about 8 weeks pregnant after IVF and could use a lot of love and support right now.

Last night I had the strangest dream...

(And, no, it didn't involve sailing away to China.)

(Seriously, click on the link.  The 80's dancing is SO worth it.)

I dreamt that I gave birth -- to a cat.

An orange stripey cat.

I nursed the cat -- a very vivid image where I could even feel it.

About five hours after the birth of my cat-baby, I finally realized it was a cat.   I said to someone "was I really gestating a cat all along?"  She nodded and smiled at me.  The kind of smile you give to people who are insane.

Because apparently everyone else knew that I was a delusional crazy person.

Later in the dream?  I gave birth to triplets.

Triplet puppies that is.

Man, I'm boring

So...um...  I opened this page up about 10 times last week thinking "I have all sorts of time, I should blog."  But, my life seems very boring at the moment and I came up with nothing. 

Well, let's see.  I had a lovely Thanksgiving break (barring a few minor panic attacks).  Here's an update on my to-do list:

Adapt new lab experiment -- OMG it was SO cool!!  It involves glow sticks!  And taking apart glow sticks!  And separating the glowing dye from the other chemicals that cause the reaction that makes it glow! And shining UV light on them to make them glow again!  Um, OK, I'm such a science geek.  But, seriously, it made my day on Monday as I played with it. Still more to do with it, but anything that involves glowing in the dark is worth it! :)

Design new course -- Yeah, didn't work on this.  Guess that's what winter break will be for.

Exam writing -- A little more to do with this.

Grading -- Got some done.  Still more to do.  Does it ever end?!

Bathroom reno -- Yeah, this took most of my time (and was the source of a few panic attacks).  I am SO indecisive and don't handle change well (even if I'm instigating it).  I'm still not used to the new colors (it is blue on the bottom and white above the chair rail). But, it's looking good and I think I like it.  I filled in all the holes and sanded down the random lumps all over the walls (I have no idea what people have been doing to this bathroom).  I painted everything and changed all the hardware (knobs, handles, towel racks).  New shower curtain rod -- the curved kind that makes your shower seem bigger -- fancy.  New shower curtain and window curtains.  New rug.  My DH installed a brand new vinyl window (we're slowly replacing all the windows in the house).  All that is left, now, is to replace the sink faucet and the lights.  Hopefully I'll get there this week.  It is just looking so much more together and, above all else, CLEAN.  Not that I hadn't cleaned it before, but the dirty cream paint just made everything look yellow and dirty and old. 

Eventually I want to replace the sink, tub, cabinets, walls (there is a horrible fake tile wainscoting that has been painted over about 10 times) and floors but that is a few years down the line.  It occurred to me, though, that I didn't have to wait for that to just make it look better. So I did.  I'm very proud of myself.  It was something I wanted and I did it.  I did it for myself.  It was something I could control.  It felt very therapeutic to paint, actually. 

Pictures to come in another post sometime soon.

Things we did that weren't on my list:

Travel -- Whirlwind day trip to visit my SIL and her family.  Very nice to see our nephews.  The older one is about 2 1/2 and is so interactive, now!  It's amazing.  The younger one is around 16 months or so and is starting to talk more which is entertaining.  Great to see them.  My jealousy pangs weren't too bad this time.  I think having them out of the "baby" phase is helping.

Thanksgiving -- I was planning on being a hermit but we ended up going to some friends' for dinner and it was really nice.  Had some wine and relaxed and my DH got to have venison (hunted on their land by their dad) and fancy turkey, so he was happy.  I got to have my fake turkey (I LOVE Quorn Turk'y) and all the fixin's.  Yum.  

Spending lots and lots of money -- We bought some new living room furniture.  It won't be here for a few months, and it freaked me out to spend the money on it, but I'm slowly building toward excited about it.  We also are finishing up getting the last few appliances for our kitchen reno.  So excited about this but spending the money is, again, freaking me out!!  I'm not good with spending large chunks of money.  We've saved for this, so we're fine.  But, still...  Hoping that the kitchen reno gets started in January.  We've been buying appliances on clearance the past several months and our dining room is filled with extra appliances.  It's starting to get to me...  Cabinets and counters will be purchased today!  (Breathe, Rebecca, breathe.  It'll be worth it in the end...)

Ovulating -- Um, I O'd extra early on CD13 again this month -- on Thanksgiving day.  I used to average about CD16.  Not sure what's happening lately.  Luckily my body gives me PLENTY of warning that O is coming (O pains that make it hurt to walk sometimes and copious EWCM) so we were prepared.  In fact, I'm not really sure why I bother temping or using OPKs since I really doubt I could miss it. It would make it impossible for us to "just relax."    Note:  this isn't meant to sound like bragging and I know could come off as really annoying for those who have issues O'ing.  The truth is that I appreciate it but it also pisses me off.  Perfect cycles, plenty of reminders that I SHOULD be able to get pregnant.  And, yet? 

Anyway, see, that was a busy week, wasn't it?  But, nothing really jumped out at me to blog about.  So, I figured I'd sum it all up in one boring blog post! :) 

I hope all of you in the US had a great Thanksgiving.  For all of you around the world -- I hope you had a good weekend! :)

Welcome ICLW!

Hi everyone out there in blogworld! It's ICLW! I honestly don't know how it is already almost the end of November, but I guess it is! Craziness.

For anyone visiting for ICLW, howdy! I'm Rebecca and my IF story is over on the right. Right now we're impatiently waiting for an appointment with a new RE scheduled for December 14th. We've been on treatment hold for about 5 months and it's making me nuts. I want to be doing something that feels like it has a chance of working.

I'm very excited to be in the beginning of a week break from classes for Thanksgiving. My school used to have classes on Monday and Tuesday of Thanksgiving week, but the students wouldn't show up. So, they added those two days to the beginning of the semester and we get the whole week! Woohoo! I have so much work to catch up on with grading and exam writing and designing new lab experiments and courses that I am incredibly grateful for the break from students.

I'm also going to try to paint my bathroom this week. We're getting started on some major renovations of our house (more on that another time) but this bathroom is probably the last thing on the list to get to. It's making me nuts, though, because it is drab and dirty looking and gross. So, while it needs more major changes eventually, right now I just need it to look more pleasant! And, paint is easy.

So, there you go -- I've listed all the things I hope to get accomplished this week. I expect you to hold me to them!!

Glargh part 2

So, yeah, I was right about AF showing up early -- heavy spotting last night and there she was this morning.

So, let's recap this crazy short (24 day) cycle: I O'd on CD 13 -- normally I average about CD 15/16 when med free. I had an 11 day LP -- lately I average 13 days with a few 12 here and there (like last cycle). I thought things were returning to normal post m/c but apparently we've gone all sorts of wonky. This is the shortest cycle I've had since TTC. I guess the good thing is that we can move on more quickly.

On a positive note (for me at least) my DH reported from happy hour last night (I didn't go because I was feeling like crap) that D had a beer.

Glargh.

I'm always an emotional mess during the 1ww.  Between hormonal changes and anxiety about a cycle it just never goes well.  I'm just feeling kind of down. Little things are stressing me the hell out and making me cry for no reason.  I'm 11 DPO and starting to spot and cramp and my temp has dropped way down.  So, I'm feeling like AF is on the way soon.  Shouldn't be here until Sunday or Monday, but it's feeling like it might be sooner.

It doesn't help that, after weeks of sun, it is dreary and rainy and dark.  I sometimes wonder if my mood affects the weather instead of the other way around.  (Because I am that powerful.)

I've been nearly in tears all afternoon over the idea of filling out my employer's cafeteria plan benefits package.  Last year, I set aside $3000 pre-tax for medical expenses for 2010 (you can put up to $5000 aside) -- definitely made it through all of that this year between medication, co-pays, ultrasounds, more ultrasounds, travel to the RE, etc.  Something about filling out the form this year is making me feel like I'm being forced to decide right now if we'll be doing treatments next year and what they might be.  Apparently the benefits office thinks it is due today despite the fact that it says on the form that it is due December 1st -- she's going to let me have until Monday.  I think the timing of this as I wait for AF and still have to wait a month for my appointment with the new RE (December 14th) is just a little too much, emotionally. 

My DH said "well, if we did six months of treatments and you got pregnant in July, what would that cost?"  I have no idea -- depends on what we do.  Of course, if we do even the most minimal intervention (Femara IUIs, for instance) it will probably cost at least $4-500 per month, so that uses up $3000.  But, I don't know, just thinking about 6 more months of treatment is killing me. And, I've been going to the therapist every other week or so -- if I continue to go, that's $60/month in co-pays -- doesn't take long for that to add up, too.  And, obviously, if we end up doing a lap or injectibles or any other kind of ART, we'll use the money up before we can blink.

But, somehow the idea of setting aside the money, again, another year, another time, having to think about this again, knowing that last year I thought "well, surely we'll only use about half of it for IF treatments and then the rest will be for pregnancy expenses" and half of it, instead, ended up being for miscarriage expenses and here I am trying to think about that again? 

Makes me want to say "glargh" and go hide under the covers.

Afraid of that other shoe

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like the proverbial "other shoe" is just hovering over your head? 

I'm terrified that I'm soon going to get an announcement that our "go to" childless friends are expecting. These are friends that we go to happy hour with every Friday evening and hang out with to watch football and movies. A great couple. We get along so well because we're very different but, socially, quite alike -- we like to get together and hang out for a while but afterward just like to spend the evenings at home with our spouses just relaxing.

D, the wife of the couple, has, on multiple occasions, mentioned that she's sure that she is ultra-fertile because her family has about 6 sets of fraternal twins. She's 29 and she and W have been married for 3 years. I've sensed for a while that they have a timeline in mind for when they plan to have kids and it seems like it would be around when she turns 30 (in the spring).

The Friday before last, for the first time in the 5 years I've known her, D just had water when we went out to dinner. Hmm, just didn't feel like drinking, I'm sure. But, then, it happened again last Friday and she even made a joke about getting a Shirley Temple. When her husband ordered onion rings, he stopped and asked her "are you sure you'll be able to eat them?" Then she went on for a while about how she wasn't sure if she'd make it through the movie they were watching later because she was going to be so tired.

I spent the whole evening with my heart pounding in my ears and woke up Saturday morning and couldn't stop thinking about it. My DH thinks that maybe they've just started trying (I've had water at least 3 out of every 4 Fridays with them for the last 2 years, after all) but that doesn't necessarily help my panic. That means there's a pretty good chance we'll get an announcement one way or another soon. I don't want her to go through what I've been through but I don't want to lose my only friends where I don't think constantly about my IF. I'm so afraid of how I'll act. I know that their having a baby isn't the reason I haven't been able to, but my jealousy may overcome me if I have to watch her belly grow.

I've been in a "lucky" position that most of my close friends have either already had their children or haven't been trying since we have.  I've had to deal with relatively few close friend/family pregnancy announcements and showers in two years.  The thought of having to deal with this with D and W is killing me. 

I hate what IF does to me.

(I also hate that I seem to only whine on here.  Blech.  Things in my life are not bad.  Really.  They're pretty good.  I'm happy most of the time.) 

(Oh, and thank you for the recommendations for Waiting for Daisy.  I just finished it yesterday and really enjoyed it -- it made me think a lot and was very moving.)

(For anyone who's counting -- I'm starting the 1WW today and my temperature shot up way high.  So, I'm starting to obsess again.  Damn it.)

(Oh, dear, I'm thinking parenthetically again...)

Can I have a family?

For any who don't know, I teach chemistry at a small-ish college. My department is very "nurturing" and we're very close to our students.  (I've been to multiple student weddings over the years and each week at our faculty meeting there seems to be an announcement or two about some alumnus or another having another baby.  It gets a little old after a while.)  We try to encourage this from the beginning by having freshman over to our houses during orientation week and requiring the students to visit faculty members in their offices.

Yesterday, one of the first year students was interviewing me for an assignment for her freshman seminar.  She's a really eager young woman and is very enthusiastic about chemistry and school.  We spent a while talking about my background and my path to where I am now and then we started talking about where she might be able to go with a chemistry degree. 

We talked a little about the advantages and disadvantages to the different types of jobs you can have -- one where you show up at 9 and leave at 5 and move on with your life versus one where you work whatever hours it takes to get the job done and spend a lot of time outside of work thinking about it.  I mentioned that being a college professor is deceptive because you have a lot of flexibility in your work day but your day never seems to end and you often work nights and weekends to keep up with everything. 

She mentioned that her friend has a mother who is an OB/Gyn who never seems to be around (because she's always on call) and she asked "Is it possible to have a family and a career in chemistry?"

All of the sudden, I couldn't speak for tripping over my tongue. All I could do was think about my infertility.

"Well, of course it is" for anyone else but me.

"I mean, the...uh... majority of the women in our department have...uh... families." All of them but me, I mean.


"And, uh... the men all have families." Of course, that's not really the point, is it?  You want to know if you can be a mother?  May you?  Yes.  Can you?  Well... as long as you're not me?  Sure.

"I mean, you do have to make some adjustments." At least, that's what I've heard.  Not that I'd know about them because I only have to make schedule adjustments to go to doctor's appointments.


"And, you have to make priorities about when you'll work" or so I've heard.


Then I just sat there and tried to come up with something to say.  I wanted so much to have a personal story I could tell her.  I know she was waiting for me to say "Here are pictures of my kids. My husband and I make it work by taking turns and making sure neither of us feels overwhelmed."   Instead it just sounded like I was quoting platitudes.  I felt like I was making things up. 

When I told my DH about the conversation last night he said "you've got me and the cat."  And, it's true.  I'm incredibly lucky to have him. I thank my lucky stars every day for him. When I think back to life before him, I'm sad for my old self.  He is my family and I needed the reminder. 

And the cat.  She's pretty good, too.

Bookstores and IF Books

Howdy everyone!

I'm a big reader and my DH and I are obsessed with bookstores.  When we were in Boulder last week, we went to an AWESOME one -- the very cleverly named "Boulder Book Store."  It's in a really cool, old building in Boulder.  All sorts of hallways and hidden rooms and floors. One section of it is an old ballroom.  I wish we'd had more time to wander around.  It was great.  I think I'd live there if I could.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but whenever I'm in a bookstore I always head to their "fertility/infertility" section and check out their collection.  Sometimes I roll my eyes at "How to get pregnant" or "Eating for Fertility" or "Maximize your fertility in five easy steps!"  (Or, the most obnoxious "How to choose your baby's gender!")  After two years of this I've bought/skimmed enough of those and get really bored and sometimes angry with it all.  And, after a year of being "officially" infertile, I've pretty much abandoned reading the "how medical intervention can help" books, too.  I mean, between my doctors and Dr. Google and all of you guys, I feel like I could write them. (I do enjoy going to a used bookstore and finding a book from the 70s or 80s about infertility, though.  Makes me feel so much better to know how much more hope we have now.)

It was interesting when this change happened -- when I first started buying books I always thought "oh, I shouldn't waste my money on this 'how to get pregnant' book.  I'm sure I'll be pregnant this month and it will be a waste."  Now I just assume I won't.  My tiny town doesn't have a bookstore with a good selection (and besides, I know everyone there). So, I've bought most of my TTC/IF books at a bookstore near my DH's hometown that we visit every few months.  I realized the other day that the same lady has waited on me for every purchase.  I wonder if she's noticed my progression from pre-TTC optimistic "pregnancy for dummies" to month three hopeful "taking charge of your fertility" to month twelve desperate "why haven't I gotten pregnant, yet?" to month twenty cautiously ecstatic "what to expect when you're expecting" to month twenty-two depressing "how to deal with a miscarriage" over the past two years?

Anyway, I've given up on the "how to have a kid" books and am more interested in the "how to deal with how much this sucks" books.  A lot of stores don't seem to carry many of this variety.  Usually the ones that do are the stores that have also realized that it would be best not to put the IF section right next to the "woohoo you're pregnant, doesn't pregnancy bite ass?" section.  I imagine that these may be the ones that have someone in purchasing who is one of us. 

The Boulder Book Store?  One of those awesome stores.  A large selection of books.  One of which I'd never seen before:  Good Eggs:  A Memoir by Phoebe Potts.  (Not to be confused with A Few Good Eggs which was OK but spent the entire book telling me not to blame myself for my infertility and then went on and on about how it was my fault for waiting so long to have kids.  I finished it more depressed than I started.)

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, Good Eggs.  I opened it up, expecting to see page after page of the standard "here are the IF treatments I went through," "here is what you can expect," etc.  Instead, I saw pictures!  It is a wonderfully drawn graphic memoir (think graphic novel).  I sat down and started reading and realized that I had to have this book.  (I'm generally pretty cheap when it comes to book-buying -- very rarely do I buy a hardback book (or much of anything for that matter) that isn't in the clearance aisle.)


I loved this book.  I made myself stop reading it occasionally so I could savor it.  I pored over the images.  It isn't just about her infertility journey -- it is about her journey through depression, becoming an adult, working with underprivileged kids, finding her Jewish identity, finding her husband, dealing with her family.  I'm reading it again, now, because it went too quickly and I want to find any detail I missed.

I highly recommend this book!! It's funny, it's poignant, it's sad, it's happy.  I laughed, I cried.  (It was better than Cats, I'd see it again and again?)  I nodded along.  I identified with so much of it.

(Does it help that her drawings of herself look exactly like me?  Yeah, it does.)

Have any of you read this?  It just came out a month ago.  Do you have any other "man, IF sucks, but here's how I survived and why I'm a better person now" books that you've enjoyed?  I found one at a used book store a few months ago that I liked:  Crossing the Moon by Paulette Bates Alden.  Another story that combines her infertility journey with her personal journey to becoming who she is.

It helps me so much to read about women who have come out on the other side (with or without a baby) better for having been through the hell that is IF.

Back from Colorado!

Ok, first of all, I just noticed something: I have 101 followers! How did that happen?! Thank you so much to all of you ladies. (Well, I assume it is at least 99% ladies. For any guys out there -- howdy! Sorry I think and talk about my lady bits so much...)

We had a really nice time in Colarado. The weather was gorgeous for the first two days and the trees were at their peak. It was as if the world was on fire. I couldn't stop looking at the colors. I just wanted to capture the red and orange and vibrant yellow and live with it in my eyes! (Well, that just sounds weird.) I just love fall so much. I didn't have a camera with me -- probably a good thing or I would have just spent the entire time staring through the lens and ignoring my DH's family...

We went to the New Belgium brewery in Fort Collins and went on a tour. We've been before but it is just so cool. I'm not even really a huge beer person, but I always leave wishing I worked there. It is just about the coolest place in the world. Insanely environmentally friendly and they have someone whose job title is the Director of Fun. After you've worked there for a year they give you a touring bike in a ceremony where you become a part owner and you get to talk to the whole company about what it means to you. After five years, they take you to Belgium where you travel the path that led to the founding of the company. And, the beer is excellent. (I may have overindulged in it just slightly... I was on CD 3 and felt like it, darn it!!) My DH and I talked with someone specifically about their quality control statistics and chemical analysis (because we're geeks like that) and we're trying to set up a time in the spring that we can do a real behind the scenes shadowing tour with them where we just hang out with all their various testing labs all day long and see what they do. I'm uber-excited.

Seriously, though, if you ever go to Ft. Collins, definitely stop by for their tour if you like beer. It's a great place and the tour comes with all sorts of free extra yummy beer... It fills up quickly (weeks in advance, apparently) but there are usually spots on a waiting list the day of.

Ok, advertisement over. Man, now I want some beer...

I also indulged and bought myself a gorgeous pair of shoes at a little boutique. They are these but in a sort of dusty rose color. (The picture doesn't really do them justice.) Love, love, love them. I'm not normally a shoe person. Well, let me rephrase that. I love shoes but generally don't let myself spend a lot of money on shoes that I won't wear everyday. But, these were just calling to me. They only had them in my size and they looked like pointe shoes which made me happy, were amazingly comfortable and made me feel elegant. It was a necessary indulgence.

Anyway, back to the real world with lots of grading to do before classes tomorrow! Also trying to catch up with all of you and my ICLW'ing. Hope you all have had a good weekend!

October ICLW!

Welcome to ICLW!  Don't know what that is?  Click on the orange box over there ---->

For anyone who is new -- I'm Rebecca and my DH and I have been trying for #1 for two years.  We had a BFP after 20 cycles, but lost it at about 12 weeks.  My detailed history is over on the right.

Approximately there ----------------------------------------------->

(ok, there-ish, it's really lower down than that, but I'm enjoying the arrows)

So, here's a question for you.  How is it that when we were trying for 4 months it felt like a lifetime but, somehow, when we've reached two years it is starting to feel like we've barely been trying at all?  I think part of it is that the longer we've been trying, the more people I've "met" who have been trying for 3, 4, 5 or more years.  I guess it really all depends on your perspective.  We first went to the RE at 10 months with a blocked tube and I wanted to say to them "OMG, please, it has been FOREVER."  But, when I recently filled out paperwork for a new RE, I almost felt like I should apologize for bothering them when it had only been two years.

This makes no sense because sometimes I do feel like we've been at this forever. But, I think it also feels like it has just become a normal part of my everyday life.  Yes, I still think about it ALL the time.  But, I think it has all just become so routine.  Get up in the morning: frown at a thermometer.  See a pregnant lady: scowl.  AF shows up:  cry disconsolately.  Rinse and repeat. 

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going through the motions.

Some of this is also coming from my confusion as to where I belong now -- it's only been four months (3 TTC cycles) since my miscarriage.  Am I still infertile?  Are we starting over again?  Should we count that as day 0?  Do we count the months I was pregnant in the length of time we've been trying?  My old RE seems to think that we're starting over again and doesn't want to hear from me until we've tried for another 6 months.  I don't really think that getting pregnant once washes away my infertility -- if we have a 2-3 % chance or so each month, those odds don't seem to be that good that it will suddenly work again.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be so meandering.  AF showed up yesterday and I'm feeling very crampy and hormonal and a little down.

I may be a little delayed with my ICLW commenting for the next few days as we're heading to Colorado to visit my in-laws.  I will definitely get to you, though.  I love ICLW.

You guys really are wonderful

Hello to everyone out there in blogland.

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all that you are for me.  Your comments on my past few posts have made me feel so supported and part of such a strong community and made this hideous process much better.

I can't tell you how much it meant to hear your support about my letter to my Spider Baby.  It's funny, when I started writing that post, I was just going to recognize the day and move on.  But, something came over me and it just started to come out.  I feel like it was the first time I really put down on "paper" all of my feelings about the loss to this point.  It meant a lot to me to write it and I had no idea what sort of response to expect. 

And, I've found myself reading and re-reading the comments on my post about where we go now.  It amazes me that so many of you took the time to write something so thoughtful and helpful about where you've found yourselves and where we might go.  It has made me feel supported and less alone.

OK, so, anyway.  You guys are all awesome.  That's just what I wanted to say.

As an update -- I have finally scheduled an appointment with the new RE.  It isn't until December 14th, though.  They did say that as soon as I get paperwork back to them and they get my other RE's file then they might be able to move it up.  I felt kind of like an idiot talking on the phone to their receptionist.  Listening to myself I felt like a demanding, annoying patient.  I don't know that it was actually true, but that's what it made me feel like.  We'll see how it goes. 

I collapsed emotionally after I made the appointment.  I cried to my DH and cried to myself.  I felt so drained and upset and just frustrated.  It seems that, unless we get an earlier appointment with the new RE, we're going to be waiting out 6 months, anyway.  I wasn't really expecting to get an earlier appointment than that at a new place, but it seemed to have opened up something in me.  

I likely have two cycles before the appointment.  I feel like I want to DO SOMETHING before then.  But, we'll probably just wait it out.  I like the idea of doing a couple of non-monitored Femara cycles but I'd feel a little awkward asking my old RE to prescribe something right when they're getting a request for file transfer.  She'd probably want a baseline scan and we'll be out of town at the beginning of my next cycle so that wouldn't work, anyway.

Right now I'm waiting out this cycle.  I'm 11 DPO and expecting AF on Thursday.  My temps dropped considerably a few days ago and I'm not sure if AF will come early or if it is just because I've had a cold for a week and things are all just "off" from normal. 

We went to a wedding this weekend for one of my DH's friends.  It was nice.  The father-of-the-groom made a toast that ended with "And, I'm ready to be a Granddad!"  Everyone else laughed and clapped and hooted and I just sat there thinking "F*** you, you demanding prick." 

My voice finally came back!

This was sort of rambling. 

So, to sum up:  You are all wonderful, I made an appointment with a new doc, I fell apart, I'm waiting for the next cycle to start, I'm feeling for my DH's friends if they don't get pregnant quickly (I don't think they'll even be trying soon) because they're going to have some serious pressure to deal with, I can finally speak above a whisper and my brain is rambling!

That is all.  Carry on.

Dear little Spider Baby

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I don't want to let this day pass without saying that I will always remember you, my little Spider Baby and that I still think about you every day.  I fell in love with you as a blurry fluttering heart on a screen.  I said goodbye to you as a sadly still baby-shape floating in a much too large sac.  Your loss was painful physically and devastating emotionally.  I never believed you were there until you were gone.

Everyday as I get out of the shower I look at myself in the mirror and I miss you.  I wish so much that you were still with me.  Today would have been twelve weeks before your due date.  By now you would have either confirmed my suspicions that you were a boy or surprised me that you weren't.  I would be spending my days lovingly counting the number of times you painfully kicked me in the ribs.  Your Daddy would probably be starting to put things on my stomach while we watched TV to see if you could kick them off.  Strangers would be putting their hands on my stomach and asking me when I was due.  Your bladder kicks would have me rushing to the bathroom every few minutes.  My back would be aching, my boobs would be even bigger (I know, crazy right?), my stretch marks would be multiplying, I'd be exhausted from never being able to find a position to sleep in and I'd be the annoying preggo walking around with her hand rubbing her stomach.  Your Daddy would be replacing the windows in your room so it would be warm when you were born and we'd be painting the walls and finding a place to put all of the junk that has accumulated there over the years.  I would have loved it all.

Your loss confuses me.  I feel incredible sadness at the loss of possibility but I don't know how to think of you.  I feel like I don't know where I belong anymore.  Am I still infertile?  Am I part of the community of loss?  My loss seems so small sometimes and other times it seems to be the largest thing in my life. I only knew you were there for two months.  I never allowed myself to feel unmitigated joy about your presence.  How can you have had such an impact on me when you were so small that no one else even knew you were there?  I feel guilty that you're gone.  Could I have done something to stop it?  How could I have not known that your heart stopped beating three weeks before my body was ready to let you go?

I found this ring several months ago and I wear it everyday to remember you.  It is made of amber -- a stone of healing.  It looks like a sun and I like that it has eight large rays that remind me of a spider.  It sometimes catches the sunlight and glows with a beautiful red.  It won't let me forget that it is there -- sometimes the points poke my finger or it snags on a sweater and I remember it.  I like that.  When I remember it, I remember you.  People comment on it and it makes me think wistfully about you.  Until now, I've only shared its meaning with your Daddy and your Grandmother.


I don't know where I think you are right now.  I hate to think that you existed and then you were just gone.  I don't believe in heaven or angels but I like to imagine you in some sort of cosmic waiting room of souls.  A place of energy and emotions.  Maybe you're getting ready to send down a little brother or sister soul to be with us.  I hope so.  Please do.  Let them know how much we loved you and how much we will love them.

I feel your loss more some days and less other days.  Today has been a constant reminder.  From seeing October 15th on the calendar to having to smile as the visitor in my office told me conspiratorially all about the "sad colleagues he knew who were 52 and never even had kids but fill their empty lives with Worlds of Warcraft"  and then dared to complain about the parents of their college students and how he had to tell them "I'm sorry, but until you have kids, you just don't know anything.  You can't say anything."  I turned your ring on my finger and just stared at him and thought about you.

Thank you for being there for a while.  Thank you for changing me. 

Love always,
Your Spider Mama

Where do we go next?

Thanks for all the anniversary wishes! :)  I alternate between "how has it already been two years" and "wow, it's only been two years?"  We went out to a new restaurant in town on Monday (yummy) and just hung around at home watching TV afterward.  I have a cold, so I've been less than interested in doing anything in the evenings other than plopping on the couch.


My cold has also made lecturing interesting -- my voice slowly goes away in the course of a class.  Luckily I had a bit of a break between classes today and refreshed a bit.  It is pretty much gone all together now and I'm just squeaking.

Anyway, my DH and I talked a lot this weekend about where we go from here.  Well, I talked and attempted to get him to share his feelings.  He tends not to want to tell me how he feels because he doesn't want to upset me and really does want to do whatever I choose because he knows it is harder for me than him.  I almost feel like I was trying to brew up a fight.  Not exactly, but I just wanted him to say how he really felt about it all.


This is our third cycle trying since the m/c in June (4th overall cycle post-m/c).  Personally, I'm pretty convinced that there is no hope for us getting pregnant on our own.  This makes NO sense whatsoever -- we got pregnant on our own in April -- but it's where my mind is.  I think that we have maybe a 3% chance each month (if that) on our own.  It just feels like the odds of this happening soon are against us.  And, I guess I'm just terrified that it will take another 20 months.  The thought of it taking that long scares me on multiple levels.  First, will my sanity last that long? (I'm afraid of the answer to this one.)  Second, is my ovarian reserve just getting worse and worse?  (My last FSH test was a year ago and it was 12 -- on the border of being considered "high.")  Third, what if it takes 20 months, I get pregnant and then have a loss again?  Then they finally decide to test and it turns out that "all I needed" was aspirin -- but, "oops" your FSH level is now 50 and your chances are even lower and now you're likely to be a very poor responder to IVF so "good luck!"

(And, yes, I'm starting the1ww and there is, of course, a chance that I'm pregnant now.   I just think I've stopped "believing" in it.)

Also?  I just don't know how much longer I can make this the center of my life.  When I think back on the last two years it is hard to remember ANYTHING else that has happened other than me focusing intently on my internal organs.  This isn't good.  I need to move forward.  I feel like I've missed two years of my life.  I've become apathetic about my career.  I've become lazy at work and home.  I've become distant from friends with whom I haven't felt comfortable sharing our struggle.  I've become a bitter b**** in so many ways.  Our sex life has become "hey, when do you need me this month?" I don't remember a time where I was really happy and I don't remember what I used to do when I wasn't thinking about TTC all the time. 

So, I really feel like I need to move forward more quickly.  I need some sort of resolution.  We get more aggressive and it either works or it doesn't.  And, then I can figure out how I can move forward.  I seriously don't know what else to do with my life right now.

I'm torn, though.  The therapist last week asked me if this medication/monitoring break has been good or bad.  I think both. Good because non-medicated Rebecca is a much saner person who is more pleasant to be around and more pleasant to be.  Good because I don't have to drive 3 hours roundtrip for monitoring appointments once or twice a week.  Bad because I just feel like we're marking time.  Bad because my anxiety levels keep building each month that passes.

But, honestly?  Good because I think it is unlikely that I'll get pregnant this way.  I think a small part of me is afraid to get pregnant again.  I know that most likely this loss was a one time thing.  The probabilities are that it won't happen again. I really do plan on thinking positively about a next pregnancy and reminding myself to enjoy every minute of it.  But, I also know that without a second pregnancy there can't be a second loss.  I want desperately to be pregnant again but I also desperately do not want to go through another m/c. 

So, I know many of you will remember my anger at my current RE -- both her "see you in 6 months" response and her lack of caring about my mental health.  So, we're looking at changing doctors.  My DH doesn't really have any problem with the original RE.  He agrees that 6 months seems kind of foolish but he tends to be a "listen to the doctor" kind of guy and doesn't really see any problems with the laid back "try each new thing 6 times" approach that she takes to treatment.  If I weren't almost 36 I'd be OK with that, I think.  But, I am and I'm just feeling older and older every day.  (I had a prospective student and her mother in my office on Monday.  The mother was about five years older than I am (at most).  And she had a senior in high school.  I had to force myself to stop staring at her during the conversation.)

(Yes, 35 isn't really THAT old.  I know this.  I just felt "young" back when we started this when I was 33 and now, at 35, I feel and look like I've aged 10 years.)

Anyway, the truth is, though, that my DH will do whatever I want.  He knows that this has been hard on me and he wants to support me in it.  The problem is that it makes me feel guilty and whiny when I know he thinks we should listen to the doctor and the doctor thinks we should wait and I'm the only one left who thinks we should be more aggressive.  I feel like a hypochondriac.  He tries to tell me that it is OK for me to set up an appointment with a new doctor, but I know he is internally rolling his eyes about it. 

I guess I'm not even sure what I want the doctor to tell us we should do.  Before my BFP, we were taking a month or two off in preparation for an IVF consult.  We had done 4 Femara IUIs (after several disastrous months on and off Clomid) and had made the decision that we wouldn't do an injectible IUI because it wouldn't add a huge probability to our chances and, if it took several cycles, would most likely cost us as much as IVF would. And then we'd still be looking at moving to IVF.

Now?  I have no idea.  My DH is no longer on board with moving to IVF.  He thinks it is foolish given that we got pregnant without it.  But, when I try to describe the costs an inject-IUI cycle would require, the higher risk of multiples, the injections I would ask him to help with (he's very wary to do that even though he's given me multiple trigger shots), I'm not sure he's into that, either.  I don't want to go back to Femara-IUIs.  I feel like it never made much of a difference for us.  I got one or two good follies, he had crazy high post-wash counts and nothing happened.  I guess it is better than nothing (although, actually maybe it isn't since I got pregnant with nothing and didn't with the IUIs), but it is hard to see how much it will help. 

So, I'm torn.  I guess what I want to do is call the second clinic in the town where I go for my appointments to get a second opinion.  I seem to keep putting it off, though.  I tell myself that I only think about it early in the morning or after they're closed.  But, honestly, I think I'm afraid.  If I go there I'll have to get my records transferred and that makes me anxious (this is stupid, I realize).  If I go there, I feel like I'm jumping back in.  The past three months have felt like "casual" TTC.  (You know, as casual as you can be with timed intercourse, BBT monitoring and OPKs.)  It's felt low risk.  If we add anything new to the mix it is high risk and high emotion again.

So, yeah, I'm torn.  I don't know where we go from here.  I do know that it is possible that this cycle worked.  I do know that I can't keep living like this. 

(I guess my lack of ability to talk all day has made me write a lot... sorry this was so long...)

October 11th is a great day

Two years ago today my DH and I got married. I am the world's most indecisive person and I've questioned every other decision I've ever made.  I've never questioned this one.  

October 11, 2008
(ooh, look, it's a picture of Rebecca...kinda small, but still)

This also means that we have reached another 2 year milestone -- TTC.  That's painful but it's OK.  I know that this journey has made us stronger and more certain of each other than we ever were before.  I don't know where we go from here, but I know we'll go there together. 

(OK, cheesy moment over.  ☺ )

Rebecca answers more questions

Back to the questions...

 b35 said... hmmm, i can't ask just one question, so:
1) best book you've ever read?
Ooh, that's tough.  I don't think I can come up with just one.  I'll name a few that I tend to re-read multiple times.  Octavia Butler Lilith's Brood series (Dawn, Adulthood Rites, Imago) are incredible.  I totally live in a different world for a while when I'm reading them.  The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger is amazing.  I refused to see the movie because the book was so moving to me that I don't want to have anything disturb those images.  I cry so much reading that one.  Finally, The Tidewater Tales by John Barth.  Kind of a tough one to explain.  It's a postmodern novel blending poetry and prose about a couple who are 8 1/2 months pregnant with twins and go off on a sailboat and meet all sorts of people from classical literature:  The Odyssey, Thousand and One Nights, etc.  There is an absolutely fascinating teleplay in it about conception that I can't help but picture every single time we are BD'ing.  It took me several tries to get into the book.  But, now, I read it every two years or so.

2) favourite tv series
Oh, dear.  This could go on for a while.  I've always been a Star Trek fan and will watch any of the various series.  Currently?  House, Doctor Who, The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Fringe, Top Chef, Project Runway, Family Guy, The Simpsons.  In the past?  Seinfeld, Friends, Cheers.  Um, I could go on for a lot longer but then you'd think that all I ever do is watch TV.  And, I don't.  Really.  I promise. 




3) is there anything you'd change about your wedding day?
Oh, I absolutely loved my wedding!!  :)  My anniversary is Monday and the weather is starting to turn crisp and remind me of how lovely it all was.  We got married at a barn out in the country.  The ceremony was outside in a field in front of trees that were all just starting to change colors.  We blended Jewish and Christian traditions and random personal things and made something that was unique and special for us.  I never thought I'd be so excited about the actual wedding.  I really just wanted to be married.

The major thing I would change would be to have a wedding coordinator so I wasn't the one yelling at people or remembering every single detail.  I would also have hired a crew to clean up afterward.  The only other thing would be to have managed to get a better video person.  We'd planned to give the camera to a friend of ours but the person who was bringing the camera (he wasn't supposed to be the one bringing the camera, my mother was -- I'm not sure why she gave it to him as he is notoriously late to everything) showed up late and somehow never gave it up.  All we wanted was the camera to sit in the back on a tripod and film the ceremony.  He managed to wander aimlessly around (often with the camera pointing at the ground) and seemed to only ever get my face and the back of my DH's head.  Some moments he seems to have turned off the camera and missed altogether -- my friend reading a poem that made everyone cry, my DH's mother blessing the wine in English before my mother blessed it in Hebrew.  After the ceremony, he seemed to film only my side of the family (if you drank whenever my DH appears you wouldn't even get tipsy) and then recorded 2 of the 5 toasts that were given.  When I think about it, it makes me angry.  So I try not to think about it.  Everything else was wonderful and I have gorgeous pictures and wonderful memories to make up for the lack of the video.

Oak said...

Describe your best day ever. The one that actually happened, not one you would like to happen as I think we would all say the day we have a healthy baby. :)  I know it is cheesy and cliche, but I think it was actually my wedding day. It really was beautiful and, when I look back on it now, I am just amazed and touched that so many people came SO far into the middle of nowhere to help us celebrate. 

Rita said...

Tell us about the day you met your husband. Was it love at first sight??!   We were introduced at a picnic to start off the summer research program at our school.  We just kind of chatted a bit and I don't remember much about what happened there. However... this was not the first we knew of each other.  We both were members of an on-line dating site and, apparently, kept getting each other as "ideal matches" in weekly e-mails.  I kept thinking "oh, I couldn't date him -- he works where I do and that would just be awkward to meet someone on-line who works with you."  It just seemed weird. So, when I finally met him face-to-face at first I thought that we couldn't possibly date because we were both looking for someone to date.  (This logic is really not logical...) Apparently, he had printed out my profile (he has since framed it) and was having some of the same thoughts. Then, when he was trying to get up the courage to ask me out, I got up the courage to ask him to be a statistical consultant on our research project -- thinking he hadn't noticed me, yet, and this would help get us together.  WRONG!  Apparently it signaled to him that I wanted a professional relationship and he had to wait out the summer to go anywhere else with it.  I had no idea this is what he was thinking.  So, we had this ridiculously slowly developing relationship over the summer where I felt like I was in middle school trying to figure out if he liked me or not.  (My friend gave me a paper to hand to him that said "Do you like me?  Check one:  Yes  No.")  On the day I was about to give up, he finally kissed me and we've been together almost every day since for more than 5 years. 

ifcrossroads.com said...

Oooh! Can I ask a question??? SO sorry that I'm late to the question-asking party! I've been asked this question multiple times in my life (a few in interviews, actually!) and it's very thought provoking.  Sooo, If you could have a do-over on anything in your life, what would that be and why?  Ah, incredibly interesting!  I think that I would have kept dancing and been more committed to it.  I started dancing when I was 4 and focused on ballet when I was in high school -- classes 5-6 days a week for two hours a day or more.  My senior year, though, I ended up taking far fewer classes each week and it kind of petered out.  I was discouraged because I didn't have the right body type (tall-ish, larger chest, flat feet) and it just wasn't working for me.  And, I think I lost some of the dedication I used to have.  I started again in college, but without as much focus.  By the time I was a senior in college I was taking several classes each week, again, and I'd discovered modern dance and loved it.  I wish I'd found it earlier (I did some modern in high school, but not much) because I think I would have been incredibly happy with it. I really wish I'd kept up with it and taken classes or joined a small company when I was in grad school.  But, I didn't.  The Rebecca I am now says "why the hell not?" The Rebecca I was then was afraid of failure, I think. 

 All righty!  That's it for the questions.   Thank you all for them!!!  It was fun! ☺