Because we can't do anything around here with any sort of warning -- we were told at 11 this morning that S is going home tomorrow which means we're "rooming in" with him tonight (i.e. spending the night with him alone in a hospital room as if we had just given birth).
This is wonderful, incredible news but causing major chaos. We're still living in the Ronald McDonald house and reach our 30 day mandatory 24 hour kick out on Saturday (after which we'll get back on the wait list (which is really long right now) and try to get back in with S while we wait for D to be ready to come home sometime in the next few weeks). If they had told us yesterday that we'd be leaving today (and we've been here long enough to see that EVERYONE ELSE around us has been given at least 24 hours warning before rooming in so we're more than a little annoyed) then I would have packed up and checked out this morning. But, they didn't so I didn't. And, my DH has been back home for the past three days and wasn't going to get down here until tonight.
So we had to rush a bunch of things that had to be done before we could have a baby in a dorm room for one day and then in a hotel for a while -- double up on all the stuff we have at home for them, get a pack and play, etc. And the hospital has had to rush us through the check out things they hadn't been planning on doing with us, yet, because the new doctor sprung this on everyone today and no one was ready. Our nurse and the social worker were quite pissed, actually.
They say we're allowed to bring him back in with us when we come to visit D every day. We believe they're going to leave his bassinet set up next to D's so we can have him nap in it and I'll still feed him in the lactation room. It's going to be a bit crazy, but it should work.
And, after the dust settles and we figure out what on earth we're going to do for housing once we're kicked out and still waiting for D to come home, I'm taking "home" a baby tomorrow!!!
And that is an incredible, long awaited thing. I can't believe it.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The birth story
My twins are one month old! And 36 weeks! S is doing well and doing a great job with the PO feedings -- nursing when I'm there (getting better at it every day -- I love it so much). D is still having breathing issues. For a brief moment they put him on low flow air and let me try to feed him. He did fine but then a new doctor nixed the low flow thing and, therefore, the oral feedings. Hopefully he'll start to head back up soon. D is over 5 pounds now and S is over 4.5! They look "huge." :)
Now, in honor of their one month birthday on Sunday the 27th, here's their birth story...
(This'll be long. I need to get it all down for myself. Feel free to skim or ignore...)
So, it all started around 5:30 on Friday evening, April 27th. I was lying around on the sofa, you know, like I'd been for the past three weeks. Looking back, now, maybe I was feeling more regular contractions than before. The guilty part of me that thinks that I could have somehow stopped this from happening if I'd paid more attention. But, truly, they didn't feel particularly intense and they weren't any more frequent than they had been two days before when I was on the monitor and got an "everything's status quo" from the MFM. (Although, oddly enough, I'd also asked him "what do I do if my water breaks?" Who knew.)
Anyway, at 5:30, I started feeling like something was wet.. I kept thinking it was not me peeing in my pants (although that happened a lot, too) but I really wasn't sure. I thought "well, I'll give it an hour and if it still feels weird like this then I'll call L&D." I went to the bathroom and prayed that it really was just urine. Back on the sofa, I noticed a trickle again and tried to call my DH but he wasn't answering his phone. All of the sudden, I just felt it all let loose and started screaming "no, no, no" as I ran to the bathroom. I had my phone in my hand and tried, again, multiple times to call my DH but no answer.
In classic TV sitcom style, I knew where he was -- it was Friday, the last day of classes, and he was out with our friends at the bar for happy hour. So, I quickly looked up the bar phone number, while sitting on the toilet leaking amniotic fluid, and called. When the guy answered the phone, I told him I needed to talk to my husband and that it was an emergency. He kind of laughed and said "it'll be a minute it's really busy." I calmly (yeah, probably not so calmly) said "no, I'm pregnant and my water just broke, I need my husband." I'm not sure he believed me. When does that ACTUALLY happen? I was about to tell m either to find my husband or I was coming to the bar trailing amniotic fluid to get him when he finally started wandering the bar looking for my husband. I can't imagine my DH's panic as he heard someone saying his last name over and over again in a loud noisy bar. Ironically, a few minutes before his sister had called and he had looked at the phone and ignored it and said to our friends "you can't ignore the phone when your wife's 8 months pregnant." Somehow, my calls weren't coming through, though.
Anyway, when I hung up with him, I called L&D and told them we were coming. My DH called the on-call OB who works with my MFM 90 miles away. When we got to the local hospital, my DH started checking us in while I ran upstairs. They immediately took me back and said my OB (the local one) was on the way. They got me on the monitor and then we all waited. Hmm. Where was she? Her office was just next door. They called. She, apparently, didn't believe that I was in labor. (She has been convinced all along that my MFM was being overly cautious and has told me multiple times that a short cervix and positive FFN and contractions don't mean much in a twin pregnancy. Hmm. Who was right?) She wasn't coming over until the nurses did a swab test to prove that it was amniotic fluid. They all rolled their eyes as they helped me take off my pants and the giant Poise pad that was heavy with fluid. When they put the swab in, I just started gushing more and more. It was ridiculous.
Anyway, she finally showed up and you could tell she was a little bit cowed by the whole thing. They brought in the u/s machine and I was beyond relieved to see everyone's heartbeats. Baby A's fluid was obviously mostly gone and Baby B was taking advantage of the new space by flailing about. At about 7 o'clock she did an internal exam (with just a speculum because she didn't want to trigger anything with my cervix) and I was dilated 2 cm. The hope was that we could possibly stabilize me enough to get me down to the "big city" hospital where there was a NICU and they could potentially keep me pregnant for a little longer if Baby A had enough fluid. I kept clinging to that possibility. The fear was, though, that I'd give birth in the ambulance (the helicopter wasn't really an option because that would be worse and it was stormy). If they put me on mag sulfate to slow the process, I could have had a blood pressure drop on the way which might have been worse.
Looking back at it now, there really wasn't a chance of stopping what had started. My guilty mind, once again, thinks there was. If they could have just gotten in touch with my MFM, he would have known the magic thing that would have made it all OK. Of course he wouldn't have. But, I just wanted to hear a doctor I trusted say "Nope, you've got to deliver her there."
Anyway, the monitor was showing that Baby B's heartrate was decelerating with contractions and that wasn't good. And, after another hour, the OB checked and my cervix was at 4 cm and was starting to shift forward and she could see Baby A's head. Yeah, we weren't going anywhere. My blood pressure was spiking up and it was just time. It must have been about 8 o'clock when she put me on mag sulfate and got the NICU transport team (who'd been waiting for the call) to hop in the ambulance and head toward town. The mag sulfate was enough to make me all woozy and weird and did lower my blood pressure but didn't seem to make much of a difference in the contractions -- contractions which were now accompanied by pressure in my pelvis. Which was bad because, as the nurse pointed out, 31 week old babies don't need 10 cm dilation to get out. And, I couldn't go into active labor because there was still the worry that my uterus would rupture along the scar from my myomectomy.
Meanwhile, we called family and my parents started packing to get on the road from Atlanta. It was so surreal. We had to sign paperwork. They asked me questions. I was in complete denial that it was happening. I couldn't stop shaking. Whenever they left us alone I just cried to my DH about how I didn't want this to happen. I was so incredibly scared. He was wonderful and kept trying to make me feel better about it. But, I just couldn't believe that anything was going to be OK at this point.
Apparently I'd arrived in the middle of a shift change, but no one was allowed to leave the hospital because who knew how much help we'd need. So, we had two shifts worth of nurses following us around. Luckily, no one else seemed to be in labor or it would have been even more chaotic.
The moment the NICU team arrived at the hospital, they wheeled me down to the OR. (Well, actually, they'd already wheeled me down once before because of confusing directions by the OB, but we'd gone back.) The amazingly nice anesthesiologist explained the spinal block to me and then I was lying on the table with my arms spread out and a curtain up and all I could think was "it's too early." My DH showed up and held my hand and, suddenly, there were about a dozen people in the room. Three for each baby, the OB, her surgical nurse and three anesthesiologists. In moments, they had me cut open and I could hear Baby A crying and someone saying 2140 (the time) -- apparently his head was lodged so far down in my pelvis that it was bruised. That is where he'd been for about four months. I saw nothing as they took him to the table to work on him. Then I felt more tugging and Baby B was out at 2141. He didn't cry at first, but cried by the time they got to the table. I asked my DH "did he cry, is that him?" And, he kissed me and said "yes."
My DH looked over the sheet and saw them playing with my uterus to deliver the placentas and look it over. I heard the doctor say something about "wow, that's thin." And the nurse said "when did she have that surgery done?" Later, the doctor said she didn't think my uterus could have stretched much more. So, I suppose it was just time. She also told me that my myomectomy scar had healed badly and was very puckered.
Anyway, within minutes, half the room was empty as they whisked the babies away. I never saw Baby B as he was at my feet. Our pediatrician (who is an incredibly sweet man who later offered to take care of our cat while the boys are in the hospital), was in charge of Baby A and he put him next to my face for the briefest of moments -- I saw his open eyes for just a second. My DH went with the NICU teams to the nursery where they started their work to stabilize the babies for the trip to the NICU 90 miles away.
Suddenly, it was quiet and the only people around were two anesthesiologists, the OB and her nurse. And, of course, me, shaking to death. The main anesthesiologist was incredibly nice and kept talking to me and asking how I was. I was shaking uncontrollably and he gave me demerol which was miraculous. Then, the second anesthesiologist started chatting with me. He asked what area of chemistry I taught and then we talked about quantitative titrations. He said I was the calmest person he'd ever seen getting a c-section. But, honestly, I didn't know what else to be. I couldn't think about what was happening with my children and I was being tugged back and forth at the waist and it was just weird. Then the doctor and nurse started chatting about buying chicks for their kids to raise. The nurse said when she asked her 3 year old what to call the chick he said "Fried."
All the men in the room started volunteering their first names for our boys. My DH said that the NICU medic also volunteered his. It was kind of funny.
After an hour, they dropped the curtain and the doctor showed me the babies' placentas (which had fused into one) and cords. Apparently Baby B's cord was all lumpy. It was weird looking. I don't know what it meant, but it wasn't just a smooth cord.
They wheeled me past the nursery but couldn't even hold the babies up for me to see. So, I just headed to recovery and hung out with the nurse as she monitored my vital signs and started me on the morphine pump. I don't remember a lot of what was going on after that except that people poked me occasionally to see where I could feel and doctors popped in and out to see how things were going. When my DH came into the room, he said he'd been with the babies for four hours with the NICU team. I have no idea how that happened. He showed me pictures of the babies and told me how big they were. When I asked which was which, he said "you would say that..." because he couldn't remember! (We figured it out about a week later after some major detective work.)
They came in and told us the babies were doing well and brought them in for a brief moment in their portable NICU units. Basically, gurneys that had everything you'd need to stabilize a preemie. Scary looking. I got to briefly touch Baby A and then Baby B as they lay there limply looking so tiny. Then they were taken away.
I felt empty and scared. It was 2 in the morning. They were gone.
To be continued...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Now, in honor of their one month birthday on Sunday the 27th, here's their birth story...
(This'll be long. I need to get it all down for myself. Feel free to skim or ignore...)
So, it all started around 5:30 on Friday evening, April 27th. I was lying around on the sofa, you know, like I'd been for the past three weeks. Looking back, now, maybe I was feeling more regular contractions than before. The guilty part of me that thinks that I could have somehow stopped this from happening if I'd paid more attention. But, truly, they didn't feel particularly intense and they weren't any more frequent than they had been two days before when I was on the monitor and got an "everything's status quo" from the MFM. (Although, oddly enough, I'd also asked him "what do I do if my water breaks?" Who knew.)
Anyway, at 5:30, I started feeling like something was wet.. I kept thinking it was not me peeing in my pants (although that happened a lot, too) but I really wasn't sure. I thought "well, I'll give it an hour and if it still feels weird like this then I'll call L&D." I went to the bathroom and prayed that it really was just urine. Back on the sofa, I noticed a trickle again and tried to call my DH but he wasn't answering his phone. All of the sudden, I just felt it all let loose and started screaming "no, no, no" as I ran to the bathroom. I had my phone in my hand and tried, again, multiple times to call my DH but no answer.
In classic TV sitcom style, I knew where he was -- it was Friday, the last day of classes, and he was out with our friends at the bar for happy hour. So, I quickly looked up the bar phone number, while sitting on the toilet leaking amniotic fluid, and called. When the guy answered the phone, I told him I needed to talk to my husband and that it was an emergency. He kind of laughed and said "it'll be a minute it's really busy." I calmly (yeah, probably not so calmly) said "no, I'm pregnant and my water just broke, I need my husband." I'm not sure he believed me. When does that ACTUALLY happen? I was about to tell m either to find my husband or I was coming to the bar trailing amniotic fluid to get him when he finally started wandering the bar looking for my husband. I can't imagine my DH's panic as he heard someone saying his last name over and over again in a loud noisy bar. Ironically, a few minutes before his sister had called and he had looked at the phone and ignored it and said to our friends "you can't ignore the phone when your wife's 8 months pregnant." Somehow, my calls weren't coming through, though.
Anyway, when I hung up with him, I called L&D and told them we were coming. My DH called the on-call OB who works with my MFM 90 miles away. When we got to the local hospital, my DH started checking us in while I ran upstairs. They immediately took me back and said my OB (the local one) was on the way. They got me on the monitor and then we all waited. Hmm. Where was she? Her office was just next door. They called. She, apparently, didn't believe that I was in labor. (She has been convinced all along that my MFM was being overly cautious and has told me multiple times that a short cervix and positive FFN and contractions don't mean much in a twin pregnancy. Hmm. Who was right?) She wasn't coming over until the nurses did a swab test to prove that it was amniotic fluid. They all rolled their eyes as they helped me take off my pants and the giant Poise pad that was heavy with fluid. When they put the swab in, I just started gushing more and more. It was ridiculous.
Anyway, she finally showed up and you could tell she was a little bit cowed by the whole thing. They brought in the u/s machine and I was beyond relieved to see everyone's heartbeats. Baby A's fluid was obviously mostly gone and Baby B was taking advantage of the new space by flailing about. At about 7 o'clock she did an internal exam (with just a speculum because she didn't want to trigger anything with my cervix) and I was dilated 2 cm. The hope was that we could possibly stabilize me enough to get me down to the "big city" hospital where there was a NICU and they could potentially keep me pregnant for a little longer if Baby A had enough fluid. I kept clinging to that possibility. The fear was, though, that I'd give birth in the ambulance (the helicopter wasn't really an option because that would be worse and it was stormy). If they put me on mag sulfate to slow the process, I could have had a blood pressure drop on the way which might have been worse.
Looking back at it now, there really wasn't a chance of stopping what had started. My guilty mind, once again, thinks there was. If they could have just gotten in touch with my MFM, he would have known the magic thing that would have made it all OK. Of course he wouldn't have. But, I just wanted to hear a doctor I trusted say "Nope, you've got to deliver her there."
Anyway, the monitor was showing that Baby B's heartrate was decelerating with contractions and that wasn't good. And, after another hour, the OB checked and my cervix was at 4 cm and was starting to shift forward and she could see Baby A's head. Yeah, we weren't going anywhere. My blood pressure was spiking up and it was just time. It must have been about 8 o'clock when she put me on mag sulfate and got the NICU transport team (who'd been waiting for the call) to hop in the ambulance and head toward town. The mag sulfate was enough to make me all woozy and weird and did lower my blood pressure but didn't seem to make much of a difference in the contractions -- contractions which were now accompanied by pressure in my pelvis. Which was bad because, as the nurse pointed out, 31 week old babies don't need 10 cm dilation to get out. And, I couldn't go into active labor because there was still the worry that my uterus would rupture along the scar from my myomectomy.
Meanwhile, we called family and my parents started packing to get on the road from Atlanta. It was so surreal. We had to sign paperwork. They asked me questions. I was in complete denial that it was happening. I couldn't stop shaking. Whenever they left us alone I just cried to my DH about how I didn't want this to happen. I was so incredibly scared. He was wonderful and kept trying to make me feel better about it. But, I just couldn't believe that anything was going to be OK at this point.
Apparently I'd arrived in the middle of a shift change, but no one was allowed to leave the hospital because who knew how much help we'd need. So, we had two shifts worth of nurses following us around. Luckily, no one else seemed to be in labor or it would have been even more chaotic.
The moment the NICU team arrived at the hospital, they wheeled me down to the OR. (Well, actually, they'd already wheeled me down once before because of confusing directions by the OB, but we'd gone back.) The amazingly nice anesthesiologist explained the spinal block to me and then I was lying on the table with my arms spread out and a curtain up and all I could think was "it's too early." My DH showed up and held my hand and, suddenly, there were about a dozen people in the room. Three for each baby, the OB, her surgical nurse and three anesthesiologists. In moments, they had me cut open and I could hear Baby A crying and someone saying 2140 (the time) -- apparently his head was lodged so far down in my pelvis that it was bruised. That is where he'd been for about four months. I saw nothing as they took him to the table to work on him. Then I felt more tugging and Baby B was out at 2141. He didn't cry at first, but cried by the time they got to the table. I asked my DH "did he cry, is that him?" And, he kissed me and said "yes."
My DH looked over the sheet and saw them playing with my uterus to deliver the placentas and look it over. I heard the doctor say something about "wow, that's thin." And the nurse said "when did she have that surgery done?" Later, the doctor said she didn't think my uterus could have stretched much more. So, I suppose it was just time. She also told me that my myomectomy scar had healed badly and was very puckered.
Anyway, within minutes, half the room was empty as they whisked the babies away. I never saw Baby B as he was at my feet. Our pediatrician (who is an incredibly sweet man who later offered to take care of our cat while the boys are in the hospital), was in charge of Baby A and he put him next to my face for the briefest of moments -- I saw his open eyes for just a second. My DH went with the NICU teams to the nursery where they started their work to stabilize the babies for the trip to the NICU 90 miles away.
Suddenly, it was quiet and the only people around were two anesthesiologists, the OB and her nurse. And, of course, me, shaking to death. The main anesthesiologist was incredibly nice and kept talking to me and asking how I was. I was shaking uncontrollably and he gave me demerol which was miraculous. Then, the second anesthesiologist started chatting with me. He asked what area of chemistry I taught and then we talked about quantitative titrations. He said I was the calmest person he'd ever seen getting a c-section. But, honestly, I didn't know what else to be. I couldn't think about what was happening with my children and I was being tugged back and forth at the waist and it was just weird. Then the doctor and nurse started chatting about buying chicks for their kids to raise. The nurse said when she asked her 3 year old what to call the chick he said "Fried."
All the men in the room started volunteering their first names for our boys. My DH said that the NICU medic also volunteered his. It was kind of funny.
After an hour, they dropped the curtain and the doctor showed me the babies' placentas (which had fused into one) and cords. Apparently Baby B's cord was all lumpy. It was weird looking. I don't know what it meant, but it wasn't just a smooth cord.
They wheeled me past the nursery but couldn't even hold the babies up for me to see. So, I just headed to recovery and hung out with the nurse as she monitored my vital signs and started me on the morphine pump. I don't remember a lot of what was going on after that except that people poked me occasionally to see where I could feel and doctors popped in and out to see how things were going. When my DH came into the room, he said he'd been with the babies for four hours with the NICU team. I have no idea how that happened. He showed me pictures of the babies and told me how big they were. When I asked which was which, he said "you would say that..." because he couldn't remember! (We figured it out about a week later after some major detective work.)
They came in and told us the babies were doing well and brought them in for a brief moment in their portable NICU units. Basically, gurneys that had everything you'd need to stabilize a preemie. Scary looking. I got to briefly touch Baby A and then Baby B as they lay there limply looking so tiny. Then they were taken away.
I felt empty and scared. It was 2 in the morning. They were gone.
To be continued...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
More Tales from the NICU
Hi again!
I've got to get better at updating...so much happens every day while, at the same time, nothing new happens. But, by the end of the day, it seems to be so late and I just collapse into bed.
Anyway, here's how things are going now...
-- Today is the 35 week mark! They are 3 1/2 weeks old. It's hard to know which measurement of age to focus on...
-- D has officially emerged from the isolette and is in an open bassinet. We're allowed to pick him up whenever we want to, now, which is awesome. It was so hard to console him before in the "box." Although, now he's always wrapped up in his swaddle so I don't get to stare at his little toes. :( He's still on the nasal cannula with a bit of oxygen support, but he seems to be feeling a bit better, finally. We're hoping that soon they'll be able to wean him off of it. They've tested every single thing they possibly can and nothing seems to be wrong -- he just needs to mature a bit more. The doctor suspects that he should have gotten a second dose of surfactant when he was first born, but now we just have to wait. The problem is he's tachypneic -- he breathes too quickly and shallowly. But, in reality, he's doing well.
He's getting more alert and has more times where he stares at us and interacts. He still gets a little fussy sometimes when he's uncomfortable, but he calms easily. He sucks on his pacifier like crazy -- a sign that he's ready to take milk by mouth. Unfortunately, we can't try to nurse him until he gets rid of the high flow cannula. Hopefully soon. He's had a few "bradying down" incidents which scare the living daylights out of us. But, he comes back up fine. So, no one seems to be too worried about it (except for us). He's nearly 2 kilos, now, which is a big milestone to make. He's about 4 lb 6 oz so he's gained a pound over his birth weight!
-- S is still in his isolette but we hope he'll be out by the end of the week. Meanwhile, we get to watch the squirmy positions he gets into as he lounges about and kicks his toes up. He loves to lay back with his legs propped up or snuggle with a blanket like a body pillow. He's still incredibly calm and just watches the world around him. He's very alert and follows us when we talk to him. He's made it to 4 lb 2 oz or so -- a pound over his birth weight as well! He got off of the pulse oximeter because he's been stable for quite a while. He really is doing incredibly well. We're hopeful that he'll be able to go home within two weeks. He'll likely be ready before D, though, so we'll have to figure out how to deal with that -- he'll have to move into the McDonald House with us, I think. His big news is that today he got to feed by mouth for the first time! See below...
-- I got to nurse S today!! The lactation consultant came to help us start. It was amazing. He had been sucking on his paci like crazy and rooting around -- he was obviously ready to go. (We had been hoping to start last Friday but the doctor put it off...) He gets to feed PO (by mouth) once a day for now with NG tube feeds for the rest. We'll build up from there with some bottle feeds as well. He was a little sleepy when we started but he sucked well and I just melted. It's so hard to constantly pump and just watch your children be fed through a tube. Feeling him suck was incredible. He did a great job considering how small he is. I can't wait until tomorrow.
-- Pumping is going well although it sometimes seems like all I do. My supply is really good. Finally, my body is doing something right -- couldn't get pregnant on its own, couldn't stay pregnant long enough, at least this is working. At first things were moving kind of slowly, but then everything kicked into high gear. I'm building quite the freezer supply at this point. I really hope that the nursing also works well -- it's hard to know how much he's getting that way. But, the good thing about building up your supply before the baby tries to nurse is that it's easier for him to get milk than it would be if we were starting off from the beginning.
-- We've had some chaotic times. One of the babies in our "pod" suddenly started coughing one night and then tested positive for RSV the next day. He was a full term baby who was there for other reasons. He was constantly inconsolable and always being paced about by the nurses. So, unfortunately, he could have gotten it from anywhere and could have given it to anyone. They put us all on a semi-quarantine after sending him into a private room. They've tested D (I think the doctor was almost excited that it might be what was wrong with him all along) and he was negative. We've still got a few more days in the potential incubation period, but so far it looks like everyone is clear. RSV is not a good thing for preemies.
-- I had a moment a few days ago when I was holding D and I looked down at him and suddenly realized that this miraculous little boy started out as one of the tiny bundles of cells in the picture I have on my refrigerator. It gave me chills. I think I've had a major disconnect of the "real world" babies and my pregnancy. The c-section and not being able to see them for days and then being cut off from them in their isolettes and barely able to hold them, and having to leave them all the time, etc., etc. have made it very difficult for me to feel like I'm bonding with them. I sometimes feel like they're someone else's children and I'm just a visitor. I miss being pregnant with them -- I felt like I could protect them and knew they were mine. I love having them to hold but I hate having to leave them. I've been so excited to nurse because I feel like it's finally something only I can do. Something to bring them back to me. The nurses are great, but depending on them makes me feel like I'm just an observer.
I'm mostly doing fine, emotionally, but there are times when I just feel so disconnected from them, still. I hate that they're so isolated from each other, too. I feel like we're missing something that we'll never really get back. Sometimes the nurses talk about the "skin to skin contact" they encourage after babies are just born. Or, the lactation consultant told me all about how she encourages bonding with babies who are just born. Or I hear a mother of a full term baby say something about going out for the day and "this is the first time I've ever been away from the baby!" It makes me feel like I missed out on it all. It's hard to feel like a "real mom" when the only thing you have with you that identifies you that way is the green bracelet that lets you into the NICU.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I've got to get better at updating...so much happens every day while, at the same time, nothing new happens. But, by the end of the day, it seems to be so late and I just collapse into bed.
Anyway, here's how things are going now...
-- Today is the 35 week mark! They are 3 1/2 weeks old. It's hard to know which measurement of age to focus on...
-- D has officially emerged from the isolette and is in an open bassinet. We're allowed to pick him up whenever we want to, now, which is awesome. It was so hard to console him before in the "box." Although, now he's always wrapped up in his swaddle so I don't get to stare at his little toes. :( He's still on the nasal cannula with a bit of oxygen support, but he seems to be feeling a bit better, finally. We're hoping that soon they'll be able to wean him off of it. They've tested every single thing they possibly can and nothing seems to be wrong -- he just needs to mature a bit more. The doctor suspects that he should have gotten a second dose of surfactant when he was first born, but now we just have to wait. The problem is he's tachypneic -- he breathes too quickly and shallowly. But, in reality, he's doing well.
He's getting more alert and has more times where he stares at us and interacts. He still gets a little fussy sometimes when he's uncomfortable, but he calms easily. He sucks on his pacifier like crazy -- a sign that he's ready to take milk by mouth. Unfortunately, we can't try to nurse him until he gets rid of the high flow cannula. Hopefully soon. He's had a few "bradying down" incidents which scare the living daylights out of us. But, he comes back up fine. So, no one seems to be too worried about it (except for us). He's nearly 2 kilos, now, which is a big milestone to make. He's about 4 lb 6 oz so he's gained a pound over his birth weight!
-- S is still in his isolette but we hope he'll be out by the end of the week. Meanwhile, we get to watch the squirmy positions he gets into as he lounges about and kicks his toes up. He loves to lay back with his legs propped up or snuggle with a blanket like a body pillow. He's still incredibly calm and just watches the world around him. He's very alert and follows us when we talk to him. He's made it to 4 lb 2 oz or so -- a pound over his birth weight as well! He got off of the pulse oximeter because he's been stable for quite a while. He really is doing incredibly well. We're hopeful that he'll be able to go home within two weeks. He'll likely be ready before D, though, so we'll have to figure out how to deal with that -- he'll have to move into the McDonald House with us, I think. His big news is that today he got to feed by mouth for the first time! See below...
-- I got to nurse S today!! The lactation consultant came to help us start. It was amazing. He had been sucking on his paci like crazy and rooting around -- he was obviously ready to go. (We had been hoping to start last Friday but the doctor put it off...) He gets to feed PO (by mouth) once a day for now with NG tube feeds for the rest. We'll build up from there with some bottle feeds as well. He was a little sleepy when we started but he sucked well and I just melted. It's so hard to constantly pump and just watch your children be fed through a tube. Feeling him suck was incredible. He did a great job considering how small he is. I can't wait until tomorrow.
-- Pumping is going well although it sometimes seems like all I do. My supply is really good. Finally, my body is doing something right -- couldn't get pregnant on its own, couldn't stay pregnant long enough, at least this is working. At first things were moving kind of slowly, but then everything kicked into high gear. I'm building quite the freezer supply at this point. I really hope that the nursing also works well -- it's hard to know how much he's getting that way. But, the good thing about building up your supply before the baby tries to nurse is that it's easier for him to get milk than it would be if we were starting off from the beginning.
-- We've had some chaotic times. One of the babies in our "pod" suddenly started coughing one night and then tested positive for RSV the next day. He was a full term baby who was there for other reasons. He was constantly inconsolable and always being paced about by the nurses. So, unfortunately, he could have gotten it from anywhere and could have given it to anyone. They put us all on a semi-quarantine after sending him into a private room. They've tested D (I think the doctor was almost excited that it might be what was wrong with him all along) and he was negative. We've still got a few more days in the potential incubation period, but so far it looks like everyone is clear. RSV is not a good thing for preemies.
-- I had a moment a few days ago when I was holding D and I looked down at him and suddenly realized that this miraculous little boy started out as one of the tiny bundles of cells in the picture I have on my refrigerator. It gave me chills. I think I've had a major disconnect of the "real world" babies and my pregnancy. The c-section and not being able to see them for days and then being cut off from them in their isolettes and barely able to hold them, and having to leave them all the time, etc., etc. have made it very difficult for me to feel like I'm bonding with them. I sometimes feel like they're someone else's children and I'm just a visitor. I miss being pregnant with them -- I felt like I could protect them and knew they were mine. I love having them to hold but I hate having to leave them. I've been so excited to nurse because I feel like it's finally something only I can do. Something to bring them back to me. The nurses are great, but depending on them makes me feel like I'm just an observer.
I'm mostly doing fine, emotionally, but there are times when I just feel so disconnected from them, still. I hate that they're so isolated from each other, too. I feel like we're missing something that we'll never really get back. Sometimes the nurses talk about the "skin to skin contact" they encourage after babies are just born. Or, the lactation consultant told me all about how she encourages bonding with babies who are just born. Or I hear a mother of a full term baby say something about going out for the day and "this is the first time I've ever been away from the baby!" It makes me feel like I missed out on it all. It's hard to feel like a "real mom" when the only thing you have with you that identifies you that way is the green bracelet that lets you into the NICU.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Monday, May 14, 2012
Update on all of us
Hi everyone,
Well, somehow a week has gone by since my last update. I've determined that life in the NICU is like living in some sort of weird time vortex. Every day feels like it lasts forever but, when you look up, suddenly two weeks have gone by and you don't know what happened. My DH keeps saying things like "well, that was crazy what happened last week" and it turns out it was the day before. Or even earlier that day.
The boys are doing well. D has had a bit of a set back. His breathing started to get really labored, again -- he's always struggled more to breathe than S has. He had an episode where he completely stopped breathing (it was about 30 minutes after we'd left) and they had to use the bag to get him breathing again for a few minutes. The whole thing scared me to death but, apparently, the doctor wasn't incredibly concerned because "it happens with preemies." That day he looked just terrible -- very weak and pale. They tested all sorts of things to see what was wrong. Could have been a heart problem, could have been an infection. The doctor was convinced it was a heart issue. But, scans showed it wasn't. They've been treating it like it was an infection, but all x-rays are clear and all cultures are negative. He is getting better, but his breathing is still a bit labored and he has had to stay on a little bit of assisted air with occasional boosts of oxygen. The doctor isn't particularly concerned. I guess this happens with preemies. But, I hate hearing the damned alarm going off to say his oxygen levels have dropped, again, all the time. I just hope they can wean him off of it soon.
S is doing well. He's had a few heart "episodes" where his heartrate drops suddenly. Usually, it comes back up on its own in just a few seconds. A few times we've had to sort of poke him in the foot to remind him to breathe. Again, the doctor says "that just happens with preemies sometimes." Actually, she believes it happens with full term babies sometimes, too, but that no one knows because they're not on a monitor. Regardless, I HATE it. It's incredibly scary.
They're both tolerating their feeds well and gaining weight. They're still being tube fed breast milk for a while longer -- hopefully they'll let me start trying to breastfeed by the end of the week. They're both above their birth weights. D is at 3 lb 12 oz and S is at 3 lb 8 oz. They are doing better at maintaining their temperatures and are moving toward getting out of their isolettes and into an open bassinet. D could actually do it already, but they're keeping him in the isolette until his breathing is better.
They're starting to show their personalities. S is our calm, cool dude. When he wakes up, he kind of looks around and checks out his surroundings. When we're changing his diaper or taking his temp, he just watches us. He stares at us when we talk to him and has incredible expressions. I swear it seems like he smiles at us. He's been rooting around when I (or my DH, who finds it funny) hold him and seems really ready to nurse. When we hold him, he stares at us and moves his head around trying to get into a better position.
D is much more reactive. Partly that seems to be because he's not feeling well and he really doesn't like the nasal cannula. He has mastered the Elvis sneer and gets a little smirk when the nurse realizes he has, once again, pulled his feeding tube out. I think he does it on purpose just to get to her. He likes to chew on anything he can when he's starting to get hungry -- his hand, the pacifier, his nasal cannula (which he is forever pulling out and putting into his mouth) or the pulse oximeter when the nurse put it on his hand instead of his foot. When he gets upset and uncomfortable, I just put one hand on his head and hold his feet bent up at the same time and he just calms down. He loves to snuggle when he's feeding -- his breathing calms immediately and he sleeps.
Holding them together is incredible. They always end up holding hands by the end. My heart stops and I start to tear up every time. They're beautiful and I love them so much.
Overall, they're doing really well. They just need to get bigger and get over some of these issues.
There have been some crazy moments. One that was absolutely insane and that I'm not ready to talk about, yet. I'm feeling good, overall. My stomach muscles are still really weak, but the c-section recovery has been pretty good. Living at the RMH has been weird but good.
The boys will be "34 weeks" tomorrow. According to the doctors, though, they don't hit 34 until Friday -- all due to a mistake my RE made long, long ago when referring us to the MFM. (I never thought that stupid 3 day error would piss me off so much!) We're hoping that they get to start actually trying to suck at that point. After that? We're just waiting for them to grow so they can go home. I really hope it's sooner than later.
I have wanted to thank you all individually so much for your support and comments over the past two weeks. But, I've really only been able to read blogs and comment on my phone while pumping (which basically is all the time...) so it's been hard to do so. Thank you all so much, though.
Speaking of which, it's time to pump...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Well, somehow a week has gone by since my last update. I've determined that life in the NICU is like living in some sort of weird time vortex. Every day feels like it lasts forever but, when you look up, suddenly two weeks have gone by and you don't know what happened. My DH keeps saying things like "well, that was crazy what happened last week" and it turns out it was the day before. Or even earlier that day.
The boys are doing well. D has had a bit of a set back. His breathing started to get really labored, again -- he's always struggled more to breathe than S has. He had an episode where he completely stopped breathing (it was about 30 minutes after we'd left) and they had to use the bag to get him breathing again for a few minutes. The whole thing scared me to death but, apparently, the doctor wasn't incredibly concerned because "it happens with preemies." That day he looked just terrible -- very weak and pale. They tested all sorts of things to see what was wrong. Could have been a heart problem, could have been an infection. The doctor was convinced it was a heart issue. But, scans showed it wasn't. They've been treating it like it was an infection, but all x-rays are clear and all cultures are negative. He is getting better, but his breathing is still a bit labored and he has had to stay on a little bit of assisted air with occasional boosts of oxygen. The doctor isn't particularly concerned. I guess this happens with preemies. But, I hate hearing the damned alarm going off to say his oxygen levels have dropped, again, all the time. I just hope they can wean him off of it soon.
S is doing well. He's had a few heart "episodes" where his heartrate drops suddenly. Usually, it comes back up on its own in just a few seconds. A few times we've had to sort of poke him in the foot to remind him to breathe. Again, the doctor says "that just happens with preemies sometimes." Actually, she believes it happens with full term babies sometimes, too, but that no one knows because they're not on a monitor. Regardless, I HATE it. It's incredibly scary.
They're both tolerating their feeds well and gaining weight. They're still being tube fed breast milk for a while longer -- hopefully they'll let me start trying to breastfeed by the end of the week. They're both above their birth weights. D is at 3 lb 12 oz and S is at 3 lb 8 oz. They are doing better at maintaining their temperatures and are moving toward getting out of their isolettes and into an open bassinet. D could actually do it already, but they're keeping him in the isolette until his breathing is better.
They're starting to show their personalities. S is our calm, cool dude. When he wakes up, he kind of looks around and checks out his surroundings. When we're changing his diaper or taking his temp, he just watches us. He stares at us when we talk to him and has incredible expressions. I swear it seems like he smiles at us. He's been rooting around when I (or my DH, who finds it funny) hold him and seems really ready to nurse. When we hold him, he stares at us and moves his head around trying to get into a better position.
D is much more reactive. Partly that seems to be because he's not feeling well and he really doesn't like the nasal cannula. He has mastered the Elvis sneer and gets a little smirk when the nurse realizes he has, once again, pulled his feeding tube out. I think he does it on purpose just to get to her. He likes to chew on anything he can when he's starting to get hungry -- his hand, the pacifier, his nasal cannula (which he is forever pulling out and putting into his mouth) or the pulse oximeter when the nurse put it on his hand instead of his foot. When he gets upset and uncomfortable, I just put one hand on his head and hold his feet bent up at the same time and he just calms down. He loves to snuggle when he's feeding -- his breathing calms immediately and he sleeps.
Holding them together is incredible. They always end up holding hands by the end. My heart stops and I start to tear up every time. They're beautiful and I love them so much.
Overall, they're doing really well. They just need to get bigger and get over some of these issues.
There have been some crazy moments. One that was absolutely insane and that I'm not ready to talk about, yet. I'm feeling good, overall. My stomach muscles are still really weak, but the c-section recovery has been pretty good. Living at the RMH has been weird but good.
The boys will be "34 weeks" tomorrow. According to the doctors, though, they don't hit 34 until Friday -- all due to a mistake my RE made long, long ago when referring us to the MFM. (I never thought that stupid 3 day error would piss me off so much!) We're hoping that they get to start actually trying to suck at that point. After that? We're just waiting for them to grow so they can go home. I really hope it's sooner than later.
I have wanted to thank you all individually so much for your support and comments over the past two weeks. But, I've really only been able to read blogs and comment on my phone while pumping (which basically is all the time...) so it's been hard to do so. Thank you all so much, though.
Speaking of which, it's time to pump...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Random venting
The following venting is brought to you by hormones.
-- OK, 37 week pregnant NICU nurse. Please think just a bit before you start COMPLAINING for 15 minutes about being 37 weeks pregnant when you are surrounded by itty bitty preemie babies and their mothers. Do you not realize that every single one of us would give absolutely anything to still be pregnant?? Don't complain that you're just "so huge." Don't start yelling "I'm TERM baby!" Don't start listing all the ways you're trying to get labor started when all of us are thinking of the little things we did leading up to the birth of our children that might have gotten labor started too soon. It's hard enough for us all to look at your belly and not think about what ours would have looked like if we were still pregnant without having to hear you not only gloat about it but complain. Even my husband thought it was ridiculous and said loudly to her "term? That's a thing? Huh, didn't know anyone got there." Didn't phase her.
-- OK, really good friend. It already hurts me enough that you got to spend more time with my children during their first 24 hours of life than I did when you drove my DH to the hospital the day they were born and I was stuck in another hospital bed. I appreciate what you did for him since he was too tired to safely drive himself, and I appreciate your husband taking pictures for me since my DH doesn't have a decent camera. BUT, it still hurts to think about that missing time. So, if you could please not refer to my children as looking like "alien babies" I'd really appreciate it. Yes, they have a bit of a preemie "look" and, yes, they are disproportionately sized because they are still skinny and long. But, I'm already feeling bad about that and don't really need it pointed out. Thanks. They are my CHILDREN and they are beautiful.
Thank you and we now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
Happy 33 weeks, my beautiful little ones.
And, rest in peace Maurice Sendak. Thank you for writing and illustrating my all time favorite children's books. I have been looking forward to reading them to my children forever. I've had Carol King singing "Eating Chicken Soup with Rice" in my head all morning and I want to go to the Night Kitchen and Where the Wild Things Are. Because I'm really Rosie and I'm Rosie Real. You shaped my childhood and will be greatly missed.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
-- OK, 37 week pregnant NICU nurse. Please think just a bit before you start COMPLAINING for 15 minutes about being 37 weeks pregnant when you are surrounded by itty bitty preemie babies and their mothers. Do you not realize that every single one of us would give absolutely anything to still be pregnant?? Don't complain that you're just "so huge." Don't start yelling "I'm TERM baby!" Don't start listing all the ways you're trying to get labor started when all of us are thinking of the little things we did leading up to the birth of our children that might have gotten labor started too soon. It's hard enough for us all to look at your belly and not think about what ours would have looked like if we were still pregnant without having to hear you not only gloat about it but complain. Even my husband thought it was ridiculous and said loudly to her "term? That's a thing? Huh, didn't know anyone got there." Didn't phase her.
-- OK, really good friend. It already hurts me enough that you got to spend more time with my children during their first 24 hours of life than I did when you drove my DH to the hospital the day they were born and I was stuck in another hospital bed. I appreciate what you did for him since he was too tired to safely drive himself, and I appreciate your husband taking pictures for me since my DH doesn't have a decent camera. BUT, it still hurts to think about that missing time. So, if you could please not refer to my children as looking like "alien babies" I'd really appreciate it. Yes, they have a bit of a preemie "look" and, yes, they are disproportionately sized because they are still skinny and long. But, I'm already feeling bad about that and don't really need it pointed out. Thanks. They are my CHILDREN and they are beautiful.
Thank you and we now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
Happy 33 weeks, my beautiful little ones.
And, rest in peace Maurice Sendak. Thank you for writing and illustrating my all time favorite children's books. I have been looking forward to reading them to my children forever. I've had Carol King singing "Eating Chicken Soup with Rice" in my head all morning and I want to go to the Night Kitchen and Where the Wild Things Are. Because I'm really Rosie and I'm Rosie Real. You shaped my childhood and will be greatly missed.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Tales from the NICU
Hi everyone,
The boys are now 10 days old! As of Tuesday, we'll be at "33" weeks. They are doing really well. I keep attempting to post, but I've been exhausted running back and forth to the NICU and figuring out where my parents are. They've gone home, now, so we're settling a bit more into a routine. So, I thought I'd update you bullet-style. And, it'll be really, really long.
(Except that I can't figure out how to do bullets with this app. Hmm... Guess we'll fake it.)
- The boys are completely support free. They've been free of all breathing support (no nasal cannulas anymore) since Monday (S) and Tuesday (D). Or, was that Tuesday and Wednesday? We've lost all sense of time... They lost their IV fluids on Wednesday because they were eating so well.
- Thursday morning they "graduated" from the Level 3 to the Level 2 NICU! Basically, that's where they send the babies that are the most stable. Since they were free of IVs and breathing support, they were ready to move when the Level 3 NICU started filling up. Of course they forgot to tell us this. So, my DH shows up to drop off milk before we went to breakfast with my parents and they said "oh, your babies aren't here anymore." Uh... huh? So, they sent him upstairs. Then, when he got there, they said "Hm, I don't have any paperwork for them. I don't know where they are." Thank goodness I wasn't there. What did you do with my children?! It took a bit of wandering before they finally figured out where they were. Apparently it happened during the shift change about an hour before and they weren't organized.
- Anyway, it's pretty awesome that they're in the Level 2 NICU. They are, by far, the smallest babies there. There are many who are out in bassinets and being held, etc. The boys are so stable that we're just now waiting for them to grow enough to eat on their own (they're still tube feeding right now) and maintain body temperature. We have until 34 weeks for them to try bottle feeding. (It will be 34.5 weeks, really, because they are using the wrong date that my MFM kept using -- but that's OK.)
- They are eating a ton and are now being given "fortified" breast milk to increase the calorie count (it isn't formula, it's just extra calories added to the milk). They're both gaining weight at a great rate. D is back up to his birth weight. And, today he officially crossed back over the 1500 g line which meant that one sensor was removed and he officially got to put on his very first onesie!
- There is a set of twin girls across from them that were born a few days after S and D (but are a couple of weeks "older" because they are already drinking from a bottle). My DH has been joking that maybe we should set them up.
- One of the nurses who is taking care of them is an alum from our school. (Actually, there are several alumni who we've met.) Her twin sister also works in the NICU. And, when they were born, they were at the same NICU. Where their parents worked as well. Crazy, huh?
- We've been blown away and disturbed by the number of smokers we've had to deal with. Once, my mother and I were sitting out front of the hospital for about an hour and watched a woman who had recently given birth come down TWICE in the hour to smoke. I can't count the number of times I saw her smoking since then. At least half the people who have kids in the NICU are smokers -- fathers and mothers. It makes me sick. The elevator always reeks of smoke. What the hell is wrong with these people? I guess that's more than likely how their kids ended up in the NICU. It depresses me to no end and it's incredibly hard not to be very judgmental. I did everything possible to keep these kids in as long as possible (not to mention what it took to create them to begin with), and they couldn't even quit smoking to protect them? Ugh.
- We're staying at the Ronald McDonald House. We're incredibly grateful for it. Basically you pay a key fee and then it is free but with a suggested donation (which we will obviously give). We have a room and a sink and share a bathroom with another room. The kitchen is communal and groups bring food all the time. (I can't really eat any of it, but we also can cook our own food.) It's a bit like living in a dorm while going to some sort of camp. A camp where no one talks to each other. I think everyone is afraid to talk to each other. Most have kids in the NICU but I think a few have older kids in the hospital.
- Yesterday we watched one family go home. We'd seen the woman since we got here and exchanged smiles and hellos. Yesterday, we watched her husband help pack up the car and you could just tell that they were ready. At the hospital, they watched the "debriefing" video and got to go home. Even though I have no idea what their story is and don't know who they are, just watching them leave just made me teary-eyed happy. It felt like "hey, eventually we'll get to go home."
- I'm feeling pretty good physically. My recovery hasn't been too bad. I'm finally feeling a little more "with it."
- Emotionally, I have my ups and downs. I find it very hard to get rid of the guilt of my sons being in the hospital. Intellectually, I understand that I did everything possible to give them the best start and that they are doing really, really well. But, I can't quite get rid of the guilt of what could I have done and is this my fault. The baby blues come and go. Sometimes I'm fine but then some days I just get down. Mostly when I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted by the whole thing. My DH and doctor are very much on the lookout for me getting more depressed (since that is my tendency anyway). I have a hard time thinking of myself as a mom right now since I often just feel like I'm a visitor for my children. It's tough.
- My DH is generally down here for two nights and then back home for one or two nights. We really can't plan our lives more than 3 days in advance. It's tough.
- I spend most of my time pumping, traveling to the NICU, sitting with the boys, grading occasionally and pumping again. My supply is decent but it's very hard to keep up with two babies. I'm going to talk to the lactation consultant this week just to get a sense of how I'm doing.
- We've been so excited to finally be able to get the boys together. (I've really hated that they have to be kept so far from each other.) We have gotten to do the "double roo" for the past three days. It was beautiful. Best part of my day. Definitely.
- If you've made it this far, here's what you really want to see. Pictures!
S on the left, D on the right. Looks like D is chewing on S's finger.
S all relaxed and cool.
D in his first outfit!
- Overall, everything is good. This whole thing is stressful and exhausting but we're hopeful that we'll be able to head home in a month or so. One day we'll look back at this as a tiny little blip in our lives.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
The boys are now 10 days old! As of Tuesday, we'll be at "33" weeks. They are doing really well. I keep attempting to post, but I've been exhausted running back and forth to the NICU and figuring out where my parents are. They've gone home, now, so we're settling a bit more into a routine. So, I thought I'd update you bullet-style. And, it'll be really, really long.
(Except that I can't figure out how to do bullets with this app. Hmm... Guess we'll fake it.)
- The boys are completely support free. They've been free of all breathing support (no nasal cannulas anymore) since Monday (S) and Tuesday (D). Or, was that Tuesday and Wednesday? We've lost all sense of time... They lost their IV fluids on Wednesday because they were eating so well.
- Thursday morning they "graduated" from the Level 3 to the Level 2 NICU! Basically, that's where they send the babies that are the most stable. Since they were free of IVs and breathing support, they were ready to move when the Level 3 NICU started filling up. Of course they forgot to tell us this. So, my DH shows up to drop off milk before we went to breakfast with my parents and they said "oh, your babies aren't here anymore." Uh... huh? So, they sent him upstairs. Then, when he got there, they said "Hm, I don't have any paperwork for them. I don't know where they are." Thank goodness I wasn't there. What did you do with my children?! It took a bit of wandering before they finally figured out where they were. Apparently it happened during the shift change about an hour before and they weren't organized.
- Anyway, it's pretty awesome that they're in the Level 2 NICU. They are, by far, the smallest babies there. There are many who are out in bassinets and being held, etc. The boys are so stable that we're just now waiting for them to grow enough to eat on their own (they're still tube feeding right now) and maintain body temperature. We have until 34 weeks for them to try bottle feeding. (It will be 34.5 weeks, really, because they are using the wrong date that my MFM kept using -- but that's OK.)
- They are eating a ton and are now being given "fortified" breast milk to increase the calorie count (it isn't formula, it's just extra calories added to the milk). They're both gaining weight at a great rate. D is back up to his birth weight. And, today he officially crossed back over the 1500 g line which meant that one sensor was removed and he officially got to put on his very first onesie!
- There is a set of twin girls across from them that were born a few days after S and D (but are a couple of weeks "older" because they are already drinking from a bottle). My DH has been joking that maybe we should set them up.
- One of the nurses who is taking care of them is an alum from our school. (Actually, there are several alumni who we've met.) Her twin sister also works in the NICU. And, when they were born, they were at the same NICU. Where their parents worked as well. Crazy, huh?
- We've been blown away and disturbed by the number of smokers we've had to deal with. Once, my mother and I were sitting out front of the hospital for about an hour and watched a woman who had recently given birth come down TWICE in the hour to smoke. I can't count the number of times I saw her smoking since then. At least half the people who have kids in the NICU are smokers -- fathers and mothers. It makes me sick. The elevator always reeks of smoke. What the hell is wrong with these people? I guess that's more than likely how their kids ended up in the NICU. It depresses me to no end and it's incredibly hard not to be very judgmental. I did everything possible to keep these kids in as long as possible (not to mention what it took to create them to begin with), and they couldn't even quit smoking to protect them? Ugh.
- We're staying at the Ronald McDonald House. We're incredibly grateful for it. Basically you pay a key fee and then it is free but with a suggested donation (which we will obviously give). We have a room and a sink and share a bathroom with another room. The kitchen is communal and groups bring food all the time. (I can't really eat any of it, but we also can cook our own food.) It's a bit like living in a dorm while going to some sort of camp. A camp where no one talks to each other. I think everyone is afraid to talk to each other. Most have kids in the NICU but I think a few have older kids in the hospital.
- Yesterday we watched one family go home. We'd seen the woman since we got here and exchanged smiles and hellos. Yesterday, we watched her husband help pack up the car and you could just tell that they were ready. At the hospital, they watched the "debriefing" video and got to go home. Even though I have no idea what their story is and don't know who they are, just watching them leave just made me teary-eyed happy. It felt like "hey, eventually we'll get to go home."
- I'm feeling pretty good physically. My recovery hasn't been too bad. I'm finally feeling a little more "with it."
- Emotionally, I have my ups and downs. I find it very hard to get rid of the guilt of my sons being in the hospital. Intellectually, I understand that I did everything possible to give them the best start and that they are doing really, really well. But, I can't quite get rid of the guilt of what could I have done and is this my fault. The baby blues come and go. Sometimes I'm fine but then some days I just get down. Mostly when I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted by the whole thing. My DH and doctor are very much on the lookout for me getting more depressed (since that is my tendency anyway). I have a hard time thinking of myself as a mom right now since I often just feel like I'm a visitor for my children. It's tough.
- My DH is generally down here for two nights and then back home for one or two nights. We really can't plan our lives more than 3 days in advance. It's tough.
- I spend most of my time pumping, traveling to the NICU, sitting with the boys, grading occasionally and pumping again. My supply is decent but it's very hard to keep up with two babies. I'm going to talk to the lactation consultant this week just to get a sense of how I'm doing.
- We've been so excited to finally be able to get the boys together. (I've really hated that they have to be kept so far from each other.) We have gotten to do the "double roo" for the past three days. It was beautiful. Best part of my day. Definitely.
- If you've made it this far, here's what you really want to see. Pictures!
S on the left, D on the right. Looks like D is chewing on S's finger.
S all relaxed and cool.
D in his first outfit!
- Overall, everything is good. This whole thing is stressful and exhausting but we're hopeful that we'll be able to head home in a month or so. One day we'll look back at this as a tiny little blip in our lives.
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Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Just call me Kanga
Today was the best day ever, I think. I got to do kangaroo care with S for an hour and got to hold D for nearly an hour, too!!
(Kangaroo care is skin-to-skin contact with a preemie that apparently helps them regulate their temperature, breathing and heartrate.)
When we got there this morning, the nurse asked if I wanted to hold them. Uh, yeah!! We thought we might be able to hold them yesterday, but they were both a bit jaundiced and under the UV lights, so they couldn't come out. It was also scary because D was having some breathing problems and just coming in the NICU and seeing him struggling a bit to breathe and then both of them under the lights just made me scared. They were really fine, but it didn't make me feel loads of confidence. By the evening, though, he was breathing better and we got to watch S get his daily measurements taken. He was so incredibly sweet during it all.
So, I wasn't really expecting to be able to hold them today, either, since they said it could take several days to clear the jaundice (which could also come back). But, when we got there today, it was just after rounds and the doctors had already turned S's light off and you could see his face again! (They wear the fancy glasses whenever the UV light is on.) Beautiful. So, after I changed his diaper (which I totally love doing -- I'm sure that will completely change as they get older, but doing it while it is one of the few ways to feel like you're being useful for your child is a whole different ballgame), the nurse got him out of the isolette and put him into the front of my shirt and I sat and rocked him for an hour. I got to hold him! I got to KISS him!! This is the first time I've done either of those. So incredible.
Then, I went to pump (and, yeah, milk just flows so much better after you've been holding the baby) and have lunch and, when we came back, it was time for D to have a meal and we got to take him out of the isolette so I could hold him while he was fed. He couldn't do kangaroo care because he couldn't spend too much time out from under the UV lights, but having him in my arms and kissing him was just incredible. I couldn't stop playing with his little fingers and cooing at him.
And, apparently, lying with them regulates my stress just as much as it regulates theirs. With both of them, within 10 minutes of holding them, I was yawning and falling asleep sitting up.
We've decided that D is our "eater" and S is our "breather." D is increasing his milk volume at nearly every feeding. They go up 3 mL every few feedings if it appears they're tolerating the previous volume (they check by suctioning milk back up from the stomach to see if any is left). He's already up to 15 mL today (after being at 6 mL yesterday afternoon) and will likely go to 18 mL tonight. Hopefully he'll start gaining weight soon -- yesterday he'd stayed constant after the initial post-birth drop. S has had a few times here and there where there is still milk in his stomach that he's just digesting slowly. But, they're trying him on 9 mL today and hopefully he'll start heading up soon. He, too, maintained his weight yesterday, so hopefully it's just a matter of time before he starts heading up.
S, on the other hand, is the breather. As of this afternoon, he is no longer on any kind of breathing support! Completely cannula free!! You can see his entire face and he just looks so sweet and so much less fragile. D is still struggling a little with breathing and is on higher pressure room air (so, no extra oxygen, but still with the cannula). But, still in excellent shape.
I'm feeling pretty good. My pain isn't too bad at this point. I'm making sure to relax and lie down as much as possible.
We're still not quite sure what's going to happen housing-wise once my parents head back home. I think tomorrow morning we're going to attempt to see if there is a space at the Ronald McDonald house. If there is, we'll move in there tomorrow night and stay as long as we can. If there isn't we'll stay with my parents a few more days and then check again or find a cheap hotel room somewhere. My DH is up and down between our house and here every couple of days. Poor guy. It's a lot of driving.
I'll get some more pictures up at some point. I'm on a high right now, really.
Time to go be a cow as my husband says.
(Yeah, this seems to be turning into a baby blog... I just need to get everything down. Things are changing so quickly. The boys are only 4 days old and I can't believe how much has changed in that time.)
(Oh, and thank you all SO much for all of your comments and support. They mean so much to me. I'm hoping soon to be able to get back to at least a little bit of commenting...)
(Kangaroo care is skin-to-skin contact with a preemie that apparently helps them regulate their temperature, breathing and heartrate.)
When we got there this morning, the nurse asked if I wanted to hold them. Uh, yeah!! We thought we might be able to hold them yesterday, but they were both a bit jaundiced and under the UV lights, so they couldn't come out. It was also scary because D was having some breathing problems and just coming in the NICU and seeing him struggling a bit to breathe and then both of them under the lights just made me scared. They were really fine, but it didn't make me feel loads of confidence. By the evening, though, he was breathing better and we got to watch S get his daily measurements taken. He was so incredibly sweet during it all.
So, I wasn't really expecting to be able to hold them today, either, since they said it could take several days to clear the jaundice (which could also come back). But, when we got there today, it was just after rounds and the doctors had already turned S's light off and you could see his face again! (They wear the fancy glasses whenever the UV light is on.) Beautiful. So, after I changed his diaper (which I totally love doing -- I'm sure that will completely change as they get older, but doing it while it is one of the few ways to feel like you're being useful for your child is a whole different ballgame), the nurse got him out of the isolette and put him into the front of my shirt and I sat and rocked him for an hour. I got to hold him! I got to KISS him!! This is the first time I've done either of those. So incredible.
Then, I went to pump (and, yeah, milk just flows so much better after you've been holding the baby) and have lunch and, when we came back, it was time for D to have a meal and we got to take him out of the isolette so I could hold him while he was fed. He couldn't do kangaroo care because he couldn't spend too much time out from under the UV lights, but having him in my arms and kissing him was just incredible. I couldn't stop playing with his little fingers and cooing at him.
And, apparently, lying with them regulates my stress just as much as it regulates theirs. With both of them, within 10 minutes of holding them, I was yawning and falling asleep sitting up.
We've decided that D is our "eater" and S is our "breather." D is increasing his milk volume at nearly every feeding. They go up 3 mL every few feedings if it appears they're tolerating the previous volume (they check by suctioning milk back up from the stomach to see if any is left). He's already up to 15 mL today (after being at 6 mL yesterday afternoon) and will likely go to 18 mL tonight. Hopefully he'll start gaining weight soon -- yesterday he'd stayed constant after the initial post-birth drop. S has had a few times here and there where there is still milk in his stomach that he's just digesting slowly. But, they're trying him on 9 mL today and hopefully he'll start heading up soon. He, too, maintained his weight yesterday, so hopefully it's just a matter of time before he starts heading up.
S, on the other hand, is the breather. As of this afternoon, he is no longer on any kind of breathing support! Completely cannula free!! You can see his entire face and he just looks so sweet and so much less fragile. D is still struggling a little with breathing and is on higher pressure room air (so, no extra oxygen, but still with the cannula). But, still in excellent shape.
I'm feeling pretty good. My pain isn't too bad at this point. I'm making sure to relax and lie down as much as possible.
We're still not quite sure what's going to happen housing-wise once my parents head back home. I think tomorrow morning we're going to attempt to see if there is a space at the Ronald McDonald house. If there is, we'll move in there tomorrow night and stay as long as we can. If there isn't we'll stay with my parents a few more days and then check again or find a cheap hotel room somewhere. My DH is up and down between our house and here every couple of days. Poor guy. It's a lot of driving.
I'll get some more pictures up at some point. I'm on a high right now, really.
Time to go be a cow as my husband says.
(Yeah, this seems to be turning into a baby blog... I just need to get everything down. Things are changing so quickly. The boys are only 4 days old and I can't believe how much has changed in that time.)
(Oh, and thank you all SO much for all of your comments and support. They mean so much to me. I'm hoping soon to be able to get back to at least a little bit of commenting...)
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