I totally jinxed myself

Yeah, you know how I said this yesterday:

Yes, I've been very lucky -- other than the initial OHSS and hematoma, things have been pretty easy so far (please don't let me jinx this).

I should really know better.  All is OK, buy my cervix has gotten significantly shorter and I'm having pretty regular contractions again.  Blah.  Last scan, two weeks ago, my cervix was back up around 4.5 to 5 cm.  This week?  It's at about 2.5 cm.  With lots of funneling.  That's no good.

As soon as the sonographer focused on my cervix my DH and I both knew it was a problem.  It looked SO much shorter than before with a big funnel.  I thought "well, maybe she's zoomed out."  But, then she started measuring and it ranged from 2.5 to 2.7 cm while we watched.  The MFM put me on a monitor for a while and I had about three contractions in the 10 minutes we were talking.  Crap.

I know I've still had some contractions but they were nothing like they were at the beginning of February, so I really thought things were getting better.  And, we'd had three great scans since then.

So, I'm on a med to reduce the contractions for about a month or so (it's an NSAID and the warnings are a little scary) and a progesterone supplement for the shortened cervix.  I have to be monitored once a week to check my cervix and monitor contractions and to check to make sure the boys' fluids are OK as the NSAID can cause problems with it.  I'm not on bedrest, but I'm on "take it easy" rest.  I'll be sitting to teach from now on and on the couch when I'm not at school.

Luckily, next week is Spring Break and I'll be able to relax with no problem.  You know, while I sit and have people bring me books and stuff from the office to determine what goes and what gets kept.

On an unrelated note -- happy leap day!  And, I've added a new belly shot over on The Ticks page.

Sigh.  C'mon uterus.  Be good for me.  Please let the boys stay in there for three more months.  

23 weeks?!

Today I am 23 weeks pregnant.  I find that hard to believe (which I know I say every time).  Over the past week or so it's slowly been dawning on me that yes, indeed, there are babies in there and one day they'll want to come out.  I don't know why it suddenly hit me.  Maybe because the boys have been INCREDIBLY active lately.  (LOVE it.)  Maybe because we're just a week shy of "viability."  (Which, let's face it, is a great line to cross, but I'd REALLY prefer if these babies cooked a lot longer than that.)  Maybe because I'm just a month earlier than when my cousin had her triplets and that scares me.  A lot.

Or it could be the solid round mass that's sticking out in front of me and keeping me happily uncomfortable pretty much all the time.

Side note:  I absolutely love being pregnant.  Even when I feel like crap.  Even when gas is coming out of every orifice.  (Even my ears, I'm telling you.)  Even when every burp (and there are A LOT of them) brings up just a little of what I most recently ate (ick).  Even when I have forgotten what it is like to blow my nose and not see blood.  Even when my sides are hurting so much I can't roll over.  And, I'm not saying this as a "please don't think I'm complaining" thing.  I really, really mean it.  Yes, I've been very lucky -- other than the initial OHSS and hematoma, things have been pretty easy so far (please don't let me jinx this).  My morning sickness really wasn't bad. My energy level is pretty good all things considered.  My cervix quickly returned to normal when I stopped overworking and hopefully will stay that way.  But, really, I can't stop staring at my belly.  I can't keep my hands off of it.  I'm absolutely fascinated by the size and shape of it.  The solid masses that suddenly push out when one of the boys is rearranging himself.  The flutters, the thumps.  The "stop bending over, mom, it's getting tight in here" thwacks.  The waddle I'm starting to develop.  The whole thing is just amazing and incredible.  I can't believe my body is doing this.  I really can't. 

Anyway... next week is Spring Break.  This semester has gone by so quickly.  My DH and I have both been ridiculously busy this semester.  We both have new classes and barely see each other.  My new class has pretty much been sucky -- well, that's not true, it's been OK.  It just has been cobbled together in a way that I would normally never let happen.  But, I just haven't been able to do anything else with it.  Not and keep up with my other classes and obligations (vaguely).  Normally I work a lot at night to prep for my classes and grade.  That really hasn't been an option this semester -- I'm lucky if I manage not to fall asleep as soon as my butt hits the couch when I get home.  And, the weekends?  Yeah, I take home my work and then barely manage to get up to do laundry or eat.

So, yeah, I'm doing enough to just get by.  Which, as long as I don't think about it too much, I'm OK with. 

BUT, I suddenly realized this week that the average gestation for twins is 36 weeks.  Um, that's just 13 weeks from now!  Just about three months.  Now, I'm really, really hoping to go to at least 36 weeks and maybe make it all the way to the 38 week mark (the max the MFM will let me go to).  But, even that is just 15 weeks from now.  No matter what, we are less than four months from these babies getting here and we have done NOTHING to prepare for them.  Not. A. Thing.  I think I've been afraid to do it.  I've been overwhelmed at the idea.  I've been exhausted.

Four months?  That's a long time.  But, uh, it could be a lot shorter. And, I truly don't anticipate my or my husband's workload getting any better in the next 9 weeks (that's how much more of the semester we've got left).  And, yeah, waiting until I'm 32 weeks pregnant with twins to start planning for their arrival?  That sounds like a BAD idea.

We've got some random clothes and stuff like that (mostly from my MIL) but not even any PLANS for the big items.  I've at least started a list of what we need, but I haven't even thought about how we're going to GET said items.  The main reason is that we've got no place to put them.  We've GOT to get things out of the room that is currently stuffed with books and the rest of my office stuff so we can fit the babies in there.  I'm stymied as to how to do it.  There's really no place to put it all in the house and I'm just not sure where it all will go. But, it's just GOT to be done.  Soon. And, the only time that will happen is next week.

So, Spring Break will be "Get the crap out of the nursery" week.  My DH is going to build some new bookshelves to hopefully re-house some of the books in the guest room.  (He is only able to start a new cleaning project if it begins with him building something.)  I'm going to sit my ass in a chair and get rid of some stuff.  And, when I say "some" I mean "lots and lots of stuff." 

My mother is coming at the end of next week for a few days (yay!) and hopefully we'll be able to get started on the "to do/get" list.

I'm also hoping we'll get a little farther on our quest for a minivan.  We're looking at a few possibilities tomorrow while we're in "the big(ger) city" for my cervical scan (both a "jelly on the belly" and "pole in the hole" type if you'd like to know :) ).  If nothing looks good, we're going to have to go on another trek to Iowa.  Sometimes it sucks to live in the middle of nowhere.  Decent used cars are really nowhere around and, if one does appear, by the time we manage to get there the dealer is either a) closed or b) has sold it.

So, I really, really hope that at my 25 week update in two weeks I get to say "hey, look at this, it looks like we might at least be imagining that there are babies arriving here at some point!"  I'm not fooling myself -- there won't be a gorgeous, decorated nursery like the amazing ones some of my bloggy friends have made (SO jealous!) -- that is not my forte.  But, I'm hoping there will at least be a place to put a couple of cribs and store baby stuff.  And, a plan for strollers and car seats and things like that.

If not, I've heard you can stick the kids in dresser drawers for a while.

Conversation with my husband

DH:  USA Today called an abdominal ultrasound a "jelly on the belly" scan.  We need a name like that for the transvaginal one.

Me:  Um...something rhyming with vag?

DH:  I got it.  A "pole in the hole."

Me:  [snarf my water across the table]

DH:  Our sonographer should have a t-shirt that says on the front "Will it be Jelly on the Belly" and on the back "Or a Pole in the Hole?"

Me:  [laugh until I pass out]

Sigh...

I'm not sure what's up with the title of this post.  I think I was feeling a bit wistful last night.

Anyway, hello to everyone!  Thanks for the comments on the bump and the progress report! :)  All's well here.  Another week has gone by.  Another chaotic week where I haven't gotten nearly enough accomplished at work or at home.  One of these days I'll be OK with that.  Right now it still stresses me the hell out.

Last weekend we went to Iowa for my DH's annual family get-together.  (It's not really a reunion -- more like a delayed Christmas party for all of his mother's siblings (10 total) and their families.)  It occurred to me that I've been going to these things since 2006, now!  How on earth has time flown by so quickly?  I can't tell you how happy I was to finally be pregnant this time.  For the past three years, we've gotten lots of questions and watched more and more babies join the family.

My DH was very happy to realize that he will not be lapped by any of his cousin's children.  His closest cousin's step-daughter has had two kids since we've been TTC.  But, my DH has decided not to count that.  His oldest cousin (who is probably only about 4 or 5 years older than my DH) has a daughter who got married last year who just announced that she is pregnant.  But, ours will be born before hers.  So, yeah, we're at least managing to have kids before the next generation starts having kids...sort of.

Lots of comments and questions from all of my MIL's siblings.  She couldn't come to the party and we won't see her until late March, so I think she sent all of her sisters to gang up on me.  All very supportive and incredibly excited for us.

Then, two days later, I got a message from my MIL saying that "everyone said you looked great but very small."  Ugh.  OK, people.  First of all, I'm measuring at about 27-28 weeks and I'm 21 weeks pregnant.  I'm NOT small.  I'm just tall and normally thin.  I have a very long torso for my height.  I've gained 25 pounds and 12 inches around my stomach.  Without clothes, my belly looks like a big basketball.  I just started out small and everything is very spread out starting WAY up under my boobs.  Normally, these comments don't really bother me (except that I get comments on the same day from different people saying "wow, you're huge" and "wow, you're so tiny" and it's kind of hard to know how to respond to both other than to just smile).  But, in this case, my DH has been fielding "comments" from my MIL since she found out I was pregnant about how she was sure that being a vegetarian was a problem and how worried she was that I wouldn't gain weight.  When I was about 18 weeks pregnant, we talked on the phone and she said "are you starting to gain weight, yet?"  Uh, yeah, I'd gained almost 20 pounds.  My doctor is fine with my vegetarianism.  I'm very careful about what I'm eating.  I get enough protein.  My bloodwork is all normal.  I'm not even anemic (well, yet)!  Even with twins!  And, no red meat!  It's a miracle!

(Note:  this isn't a comment targeted at any of you who said I'm carrying small.  I realize that, in comparison to others, I'm carrying small.  It's just a vent because my MIL is using it as a comment on my health and the health of her grandsons.)

And, even more importantly -- my babies are doing GREAT.  We had our big anatomy scan on Wednesday and both are measuring within a day or two of their "date."  They are 14 and 13 oz at this point.  Which is kind of crazy to imagine.  The sonographer couldn't get a couple of the measurements she needed (they're both very stubborn and don't like to change positions when she wants them to), so we'll get those later.  But, the important ones were all done and everything is fine.  No signs of any birth defects or chromosomal problems.  My cervix is looking great.  All is well.

Which, I guess, leads me to another vent about mothers.  My own.  I love her to death and she's BEYOND excited about the babies.  But, we cannot get through a single conversation about my pregnancy without her making some comment comparing it to my cousin's wife's triplet pregnancy.  When I said something about having a long torso and that being a good thing for twins she launched into a discussion of "well, that's what everyone said about K, but we know how that went."  Or, if I say anything about my cervical length being a little low she says "well, with K they rushed her to the hospital after one of her checks."  When I was first pregnant and bleeding and scared it was "well, K didn't bleed but she had horrible, horrible morning sickness that put her up in the hospital multiple times." 

And, I know she doesn't mean anything by it, and I know she is just sharing the only common info she's familiar with, but it's as if I can't be "special."  I mean, I know I am.  I'm her only daughter.  These are her only grandchildren.  But, she lived vicariously through her sister's grandkids for years and heard ALL the details about the triplets from both her sister and from K during the pregnancy.  I would just like to make it through one conversation about my pregnancy without it getting compared to the triplets.  It's like twins just aren't enough.  What on earth would it be like if I were ONLY pregnant with a singleton? 

And, really, I'm just being silly and letting pregnancy hormones take over my brain. 

Anyway, speaking of the triplets, they're all doing really well.  The biggest is heading home from the hospital in the next few weeks with his smaller sisters just a little bit behind.  Which is wonderful.  They're all adorable.

See, I really do care about the triplets.  It's just that my mother kept gushing about K's pregnancy back when I was prepping for my IVF cycle without realizing it was hurting me and it got a little bit much.  So, I think constantly having my pregnancy compared to hers is just bringing that back.

And, in the light of day, it doesn't really bother me.  It's just when those sudden "I must scream at all of you" emotions hit that I mind. 

OK, enough of that.  I hope you're all enjoying your Friday.  Thanks for letting me vent a bit.  I feel better.  Things are great here.  The babies are doing great.  I'm feeling good.  Hope you all are, too.

20 weeks, my first "official" update

OK, so it's time to bite the bullet.  I'm 20 weeks pregnant -- well, 20w3d to be precise -- and I need to start to officially believe this is happening.  So, I'm going to go for it and fill out one of those pregnancy memes.

And, I've even added one of those disturbing floating baby widgets over to the right somewhere.

And, I've added a new page for photos -- "The Ticks."  Yes, that's right, I'm going to show the bump!  :)  

Take a deep breath.  Here goes nothing:

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How far along?: 20 weeks -- more than halfway since the most they'll let me go is 38 weeks

Weight?:  23 pounds gained.  Holy mackerel.  But, it's exactly where they want me for twins (the doctor said 20-25 by week 20).  So, I keep taking a deep breath and saying "look at how good I am at gaining crazy amounts of weight!"  The skinny girl inside of me had just better shut her trap.


Maternity Clothes?:  Pants have been all maternity since about week 12.  Most t-shirts are maternity because the others are just too short.  I'm wearing a lot of open cardigans and longer sweaters.  They're a mix of both maternity and non. 

What's the belly look like?:  It looks like I've turned my belly button into a tattoo of the sun.  There's also a red circle around "the equator."  My belly button has become a slit and I appear to be already developing a linea nigra -- my DH is the one who noticed it.  I find myself fascinated by the whole thing.  I stare at my belly constantly.

Sleep?:  My back is aching so sleep has been tough.  I'm up about twice a night to pee.  But, not too bad.

Best Moment of the Week?:  Our scan Wednesday.  Last week my scan showed that my cervix was funneling and shortening to about 35 mm under contractions -- the doctor wants it in the 40s at this stage.  I've been having lots of contractions when I stand to lecture or walk across campus.  They, apparently, are not bad because they go away when I relax, lie on my side, etc.  But, the contractions were shortening my cervix so I needed to make them stop.  So, I moved my classes so I wouldn't have to walk so much and I've been forcing myself to sit.  And drinking water like it's going out of style.  And, Wednesday's scan showed my cervix was back in the upper 40s!  Woohoo! 

Movement?:  Lots of little bubbly jostles.  A few more obvious "thumps."  Also, some more intense movements that feel like major rearrangements.  They don't seem to be responding to outside stimulus for movement, yet.  I absolutely love every single thing I feel. 

Food Cravings?:  Salt.  I just want french fries all day.  My sodium intake seems to be spinning out of control.  I really need to do something about that.

Gender?:  Two boys!!  Definitely confirmed.

What I Miss?:  Um.  Can't think of anything.

What I'm Looking Forward To:  Next week's big anatomy scan.  Checking to make sure growth is on schedule and looking at all the organs in more detail. 

Weekly Wisdom:  If anything feels "wrong" don't feel too embarrassed to talk to your doctor.  When I called last Friday to tell the MFM that I was having a lot more contractions than I had been, he had me come in for a scan (I happened to be in town for a meeting).  Everything looked fine, and I told him I felt kind of silly not knowing to ask or not ask.  He said "Always ask.  You've been through a lot to get here.  Nothing is more important than those boys."  It made me tear up a bit.  I really like my MFM. 

Milestones: Feeling movement more regularly.  Looking obviously pregnant.  (My belly has hit a very basketball-shaped phase.)  Getting our first baby clothes from my MIL.  She is quite excited to dress them alike (I doubt that will actually happen very often).  When I looked at the two matching onesies (which seem HUGE), it hit me that a few months from now there will be actual babies inside of them.  I couldn't stop staring at them.

Onesies from DH's mom.  Bear from my mom -- their very first gift.  Oddly, the picture is on its side...

How's Daddy?: Very protective.  Trying to get me to slow down.  On a mission to get us a vaguely affordable, reliable minivan.  Fascinated by the changes in my body.  Every so often he reaches out to touch me and says something like "hey, there's more of you than there used to be!"  Or, last night when he was hugging me and held my back, he said "the skin is getting pretty taut!"  He keeps touching my belly and kissing it. It's beyond sweet.

Emotions:  High stress and anxiety at the moment.  Which isn't good.  Work is ridiculous.  (For instance, I started this post three days ago...)  Added to the general stress of having two new classes this semester and just trying to keep up (which I'm not doing a great job of) is the stress of all the budget issues my school is facing right now.  Which are making me feel INCREDIBLY guilty about taking leave next year.  Things are seriously going to hell in a handbasket and, if I came back to work earlier, they would be a smidgen less hellish.  The dean tells me not to feel guilty.  My DH tells me not to feel guilty.  My workaholic brain feels guilty.  Must get beyond this.  Yes, I could come back when the babies are 2 months and the semester starts back up -- plenty of women do it.  Most, in fact.  But, I need the time away from work. And, I really want the time with the babies -- there are really no good infant care places here, especially for two.  And, professionally, I need the time away from teaching to focus on research and grants and writing some papers up during the spring semester as well.  It's just hard not to take all of the stress of the department onto myself. 

But, beyond that stupid stress.  Everything is really, really awesome.  I'm absolutely loving every second of this time.

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Phew.  That wasn't so bad... :)

Amazingly, I didn't throw up

(And, if you feel at all like you might throw up or if you can't handle blood or ickiness in general -- you should completely avoid reading this post.  Don't say I didn't warn you.)

On Tuesday mornings I teach a four hour lab class.  I hadn't been in the lab since last Thursday because I knew I already had everything prepped for my students to arrive at 8:30.  At 8:15, I walked into the lab, took two steps, hit a wall of what can only be described as the stench of death, turned around and ran out. 

I'm a chemist, not a biologist.  There shouldn't be anything dead in my lab. 

I took a deep breath and walked back in.  I thought some rodent must have died in there over the weekend. I walked around carefully trying to keep my breakfast down trying to track down the source.

Then I saw the pool of blood.

That's right.  A pool of blood. 

I turned on my heel and walked out the door.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened.  The agriculture science lab above my chemistry lab is known as the "meats lab."  I don't know what exactly they study in there, really, but sometimes I walk by and see them butchering various thing.  And, apparently, they then store the cuts in a freezer.

A freezer with a bad compressor. 

When the compressor went down, everything defrosted.  And then the blood proceeded to drip through the floor.  Onto the floor below.  Partially onto the computer cabinet below.  The one that is storing the 10 computers that are essential to my students' work this semester.

You know, because floors in a science building certainly don't need to be able to contain the chemicals and blood and various other nasty stuff that we scientists deal with on a daily basis.  It's perfectly fine for them to be porous.  Once, we had a leak coming into that same lab and the dean came in and said "oh, that's just formaldehyde, that's no big deal."  Um, the big deal is that something is leaking through the ceiling onto my students' heads.  And it stinks!  I don't care what it is!  Make it stop!

Anyway, yeah, so my lab was canceled due to blood and the stench of death.  Because, that's what anyone needs early on a Tuesday morning.  And, especially a pregnant lady -- a pregnant vegetarian at that.  The smell of rotting meat.

I was able to bow out of helping with clean-up because pregnancy and death-stench and bleach and scrubbing don't go together particularly well.  I'm still not sure what's happened with the computers that were in the cabinet.  There are holes on top of the cabinet to allow heat to escape (since the computers stored inside it are plugged in to recharge).  Someone else was in charge of checking that.  I'm still afraid to open it tomorrow afternoon for my next lab.  I'm afraid to open the door to the lab even though several people spent hours with bleach yesterday in there.

On the plus side, I had four hours in my day that I hadn't expected to have.  That was awesome. 

And, I didn't throw up.