The return of Spider-Embie!

Spider-Embie, Spider-Embie, does whatever a spider can!

(Ana, this is for you! ☺)

This is a story about my lucky charm for this cycle.

For those who don't know the story, several cycles ago, while on the demon drug who must not be named, my IUI was canceled because my lining had thinned to 4.2 mm.  We tried on our own (I think we BD'd all of once), anyway, but we were pretty sure nothing could possibly stick.  The weird thing was that my LP dragged on for 15 days with no signs of falling temps or AF.  Usually my LP is reliably 12 days long with temps starting to plummet around 10DPO, so I tested several times with all BFNs.  Ana helped me hold on to a tiny glimmer of hope by singing to me about my Spider-Embie who was holding on tight!! ☺  And, seriously, every cycle since then I've been singing to myself about Spider-Embie and picturing him spinning a web and latching on.  I always loved Spider-Man as a kid!  (Did anyone else watch the Electric Company with the Spider-Man skits?  I love the Electric Company...we actually bought two 6 or 7 disc DVD sets of it recently -- Morgan Freeman and Rita Moreno on a kids show? Fargo North, Decoder?  Silhouettes making words - c-at, cat?  HEEEYY  YOOOUUU GUUUUYS!!   How can you miss?  But I digress...)

So, on the day of IUI#3 last Saturday, my DH and I stopped at Burger King for lunch on our way home.  We had a coupon for a free kids meal with a grown-up meal so I got a veggie burger meal (yum -- I love BK fries...) and DH had the kids meal.

This toy was in the kids meal:

So, there you go.  My lucky charm.  He's been sitting in front of my computer monitor all week.

By heab ib aww stubbed ub (*SNORT*)

Darn you germ ridden college students!!!  You gave me your cold!!!

Ugh.  I really hate colds.  I feel like my head is full of cotton.  Makes it really difficult to focus and think.  (Hence the blogging.)

I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to write an answer key and I can't seem to remember how to multiply by 7...  This could be a problem.

Now I'm just trying to keep it from traveling down to my chest because I tend to get bronchitis that lasts and lasts and lasts and lasts...

Oh, I can't tell you how glad I am that it's Friday.

On the TTC front -- eh, not much going on.  Technically I'm entering the 1ww tomorrow.  AF is due Saturday the 6th.  My RE doesn't schedule betas, so I'll possibly test if I make it to the 7th with no AF in sight.  I tend to be a wait for AF kind of girl.

I have some fun pictures of things that I really want to post but I can't find the cord to my camera!!  Hopefully I'll find it this weekend.

Just massage your ears and eat a cookie

So, I was all ready to post a long venting, rambling message about how angry I am.  In fact, I already wrote it -- complaining and moaning about how I just keep getting so frustrated with everything and I'm turning into a royal b*tch.  Petty things make me furious and I just can't figure out how to make it stop.

But...then two things happened:

1. I went to the vending machine and put in $0.75 for a $0.65 pack of Oreos and got $0.35 change.  Nothing like discount cookies to lighten your mood.
2. I came across this post at Circle + Bloom and massaged my ears.  Seriously, stop what you're doing right now, follow their directions and massage your ears.  

Ahhhhhhh.....  I can't tell you how much better I feel.  It's like someone just sent a wave of calm relaxation through my entire body.

Massaging your ears and cookies.  Who knew?

A very happy post!

Thank you so much Rita for this award!! :) I loved reading your happy things!!

So, here are the "rules":
1. Copy and paste the award.
2. Link to the person who sent it to you.

3. List 10 things that make you happy.

4. Nominate other bloggers and stop by their blogs to let them know.

Here are my 10 things:

1. My amazing DH 
Just knowing he's around the house makes me happy.
2. Looking at old family pictures

I just love 'em. 
3. Pens!!   

I'm glad at least Rita understands this one... I just bought some new really fine point ones from Japan for grading that I'm currently gaga over. 
4. Hanging laundry on the clothesline 

I have no idea why this makes me so happy, but it does.  Can't wait until spring!! 
5. Knitting

I absolutely love watching stitch patterns appear over time.  I wish it didn't hurt my wrists as much as it does. 
6.  Cuddling with my DH  

Just having his hand on my back can make me relax and reduce my anxiety. 
7. Dancing  

I love everything about it -- dancing myself, watching dance performances, looking at pictures of dancers dancing. 
8. Reading

I just love to escape into another world. 
9. Ice cream

Eaten very slowly.  Some of my favorites:  peach, mint chocolate chip and vanilla with melted peanut butter.  Yum. 
10.  Comments on my blog 

Who knew how happy that would make me? (Subtle hint... ☺)

My nominations:
Jane at TTC Hopeful 
Someday Soon at The Latest Adventures 
Elizabeth at Where the Wright Day Takes You 
Michelle at No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat 
Arlnurse at Journey to the End of the Rainbow 

ICLW #1 and IUI #3

Welcome anyone stopping by for ICLW!  This is my first ICLW, and I'm just getting the hang of this blogging thing!  I'm amazed how quickly I've come to love it, though.  Not much profound to say, today, just welcome!

A quick summary for those who are new:  I'm Rebecca (35) and my DH is Clay and we've been trying for our first for 18 cycles, now (about 17 months).  We were dealing with a blocked tube, but we think it's clear, now.  I also have a borderline baseline FSH (12), so we're hoping to be a little more on the proactive side.  We're in the middle of our third Femara/IUI cycle after having multiple cycles canceled due to large cysts and thin linings caused by the demon that is Clomid. 
 
If you are new here, I'd love to have you visit my post from last week When TTC becomes IF and add your story.  Mel sent some people this way with the Roundup last week and I've really enjoyed (in a kind of happy/sad way) reading what everyone has to say.

For those playing along at home -- IUI#3 was yesterday!  It went really well -- DH's count was 58 million highly motile post-wash.  This is less than in the past (and his total motility went down overall for whatever reason) but still a huge number so we're happy about that.  I had two mature follies that definitely popped yesterday (OUCH).  So, I'm trying to stay positive about this one!

I must be watching too much Olympics coverage because I am totally seeing millions of little Apollo Ohno's and J.R. Celski's fighting their way to the front of a long line to reach my eggs as they zoom around a curve!  (DH must be, too, because he described the eggs as heading down the luge...)

You know you're a regular at the RE's when...

The u/s technician whispers your follie measurements to you (even though she's not supposed to) and tells you to be surprised when the nurse tells you in a few minutes! LOL!

Yay, we have follies!!  Two mature follies (24 and 22 mm) on the left!  The nurse said they were beautiful and seemed quite excited.  We triggered last night and we're "go for IUI #3" on Saturday morning.  You'd think my DH would get less nervous about giving me a shot since this is the fourth time he's done it, but every time he's freaked out!  He does a great job, he just gets really nervous.

I also wanted to thank you all for your comments about my last post.  For a while I couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say and then it just came out.  Reading your stories made me both sad and happy .  I can't tell you how much I wish none of us had to lose that TTC excitement -- it's crushing to think of everything you've all been through.  But, if we have to go through it, it means more than I can express to know that there are people who understand and who are there for support.  I love you all!! :)  (And, Ana, I miss "talking" to you, too!!!  I was thinking of spider embie just yesterday.  Never thought I'd be one to say this to people, but you should start a blog... ☺ )

When TTC becomes IF

When was the moment that TTC became IF for you?

TTC is fun.  TTC is exciting.  TTC is full of possibilities.  TTC has a light at the end of the tunnel.

When we were just TTC we were excited to BD each month.  This is the moment that I'll become pregnant!   When we were just TTC, I was jealous of people with new babies and pregnant women, but a part of me just knew that I'd get to be that person soon.  When we were just TTC, I couldn't wait to put my temperature into FF every morning and obsess over the chart gallery.  When we were just TTC, 6 months seemed like a long time but I just knew that if we went to the doctor, she'd wave a magic wand and, immediately, we'd get pregnant.  When we were just TTC, waiting to O took forever because there was nothing to focus on.  When we were just TTC, I thought if we had perfect timing we should automatically get pregnant.  When we were just TTC, every little jab in my abdomen meant something. When we were just TTC, I searched on-line every day of the 2WW for every possible symptom.  When we were just TTC, the disappointment at the end of the cycle was there, but we just knew that next month would be the one!

Now we're infertile.  IF is exhausting.  IF is expensive.  IF is emotionally draining.  IF feels like it will never end.  IF sucks the life out of you.

IF makes you thankful if you're able to have IUIs because then you don't have to BD as much.  (I hate that we've come to that point.)  IF means that seeing a pregnant woman or a baby can knock you down so flat you don't know if you can get up.  IF means that you start to realize that 18 months isn't even that long.  IF means that as much as you have to hold onto hope that your doctor knows what she's talking about, you're pretty sure that nothing is ever going to work.  IF means that waiting to O is the best time because the roller coaster is done for a few weeks.  IF means that you put your temperature in FF out of habit, but you just use it so that when it starts to go down you'll have a warning that AF is coming.  IF means that even if your doctor plans your cycle and puts 82 million sperm right next to 3 eggs the likelihood of anything happening is slim to none.  IF means that you're so cynical you want to tell newly TTC women "the truth" that no IPS ever means anything.  IF means that each time a cycle ends you're disappointed and depressed but not surprised and can't really remember what it was like to really believe this could work.  

When did TTC become IF?  Even after we started seeing a doctor and had an official diagnosis of IF, I didn't feel infertile.  So what if one tube was blocked?  Whatever.  All we need is some clomid to double the number of eggs and it will work!  So what if every other cycle meds were canceled?  Whatever.  I bet this "down" cycle will be the one that works, anyway, and then won't I feel foolish!   "Officially" it was October -- the 1 year mark.  Mentally, I think it was December when, in an attempt to get back some of the excitement of TTC, I joined a "normal" cycle group for the first time in a few months.  It was awful.  I didn't want to chat with anyone in the group.  I felt snarky.  I was cynical and annoyed when the only girl in the group to get pregnant was the one who had been trying for only 2 months.  I couldn't feel happy for her.  I couldn't get excited about symptoms.  I just wasn't TTC anymore, I was infertile.

I don't post this looking for sympathy.  It's just something I've been thinking about.  When did TTC become IF for you?  There's a moment when the excitement of TTC becomes the stress and anxiety of IF.  I keep trying to get excited and hopeful again, but even when I feel like there's a vague possibility that a cycle might have worked, I convince myself it's hopeless.

(Note to the cosmos:  I'm willing to be surprised!)

Jealousy

First of all -- I love all of my IF friends who are pregnant and am so happy for all of you who are pregnant with twins!  But... every time I find out that someone is pregnant with twins my jealousy takes one specific form for a moment:  one of those was supposed to be mine!!!  I'm picturing some cosmic waiting room somewhere and two babies went down a chute to one mom when one of them was supposed to go to me.  Is this just me?

The answer: no times!

Thank you mother nature for threatening a snow storm!  We're going to skip the reunion! ☺

Family reunions can be fun!

This Sunday is my DH's annual family reunion.  His mother is one of 10 siblings, so it is pretty much chaos with kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, etc. running around.  Someone is always pregnant or just had a baby.  Someone is always leaning on us about when we're going to have a baby. I'm not particularly looking forward to it.  I figure, though, that if I go into it mentally prepared then it will be fun instead of emotionally draining because I can chuckle knowingly!  And, being a person who doesn't actually enjoy social situations in any event, the fun will just keep on coming!  OK, so I may be pushing it, but I'm really trying...

How many times...

...will someone ask me when we're going to have kids?

...will a random child be thrust into my lap?

...will I smile like an idiot?

...will someone tell me that "we're not getting any younger?"

...will someone ask if I'm pregnant?

...will someone tell me I'm lucky not to have kids?

...will I turn around and suddenly face a giant pregnant belly?

...will I find out that someone is pregnant with their second in the time we've been trying?

...will I find out that one of DH's first cousins' children is pregnant before I am?

...will I need to hide in the bathroom?

...will I desperately wish that this party included alcohol?

I'm guessing at least once for each.  For the last one -- at least once every half hour...

Wow, I get to do two med cycles in a row?

I really can't thank you all enough for your comments on yesterday's post.  It made me tear up (but it a good way).  It's wonderful to know you're all out there and know that you care.  It's made a hard few days a little easier and I really appreciate that.  Many ((hugs)) to you all!!

Now to some good news -- for the first time since we started with the RE in August of last year, I actually get to do two treatment cycles in a row!!  Craziness!!  I am cyst free and ready to go!  Yay for Femara! :)  (And, continue to go suck it, Clomid.) 

The nurse at the RE's office was so sweet.  She came in and seemed honestly disappointed and surprised that the last IUI didn't work.  She really seems to understand what IFers go through.  The nurses at my REs office are all great, but she seems to "get it" more than the others.  I'm not sure if she's been through it herself (although I suspect she may have been), but she really gets the ups and downs and the disappointments and the feeling you get after a year or so that it is absolutely a miracle that anyone ever gets pregnant.  She was incredibly encouraging and helped me feel more positive. 

I was also able to look over my DH's S/A from the last IUI and previous one with her and it turns out that the 11% motility pre-wash was the "moving forward fast" sperm but that overall there were 73% moving forward.  In the previous IUI there were 50% "moving forward fast" with another 14% moving forward "slowly."   So I'm not sure why the super speedy guys went down (DH says he hasn't been taking his vitamins as regularly and then proceeded to go pop a few), but overall he's still got a lot of guys moving in the right direction (and actually the total percentage went up), so it's not a problem.  The RE really freaked me out last time when she said the motility was only 11% pre-wash!  So, *PHEW*, it's all really just me! ;)

Thank you again, everyone!!  I love all you people who live in my computer!! :)

Goodbye sweet kitty

Thank you so much to everyone for your comments about my kitty.  This was really one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Yesterday was a really horrible day but I'm doing OK.  I know it was the right thing to do because he was suffering and wasn't going to get any better.  I was holding on to him because I didn't want him to go, but all it was doing was making him feel worse longer.


It was hard because he somehow managed to have energy even though he hadn't eaten in five days.  I don't understand it.  The experience at the vet wasn't good for him and we weren't able to be with him in the end.

My DH was wonderful through all of it and he and I have been holding on to each other a lot.  It was hard for him, too, and it was the first time I've ever seen him really cry.  He's such an unemotional person that it just really touched me.  I love him so much.

When we came home, there were flowers waiting for us from my parents.  My mom said she wanted us to have something bright in the house. 

So, now I'm just trying to move forward.

Today is my CD3 u/s.  Please send all the "cysts stay away" vibes you've got. 

Not a good time to mess with me

Dear whiny students, complaining colleagues, super fertile b*****s, and idiots who bring their kids to work:


I've got a migraine, I have cramps, I slept about 5 hours last night and AF just showed up for the 17th unwelcome time.  I just made two phone calls that sucked the life out of me: scheduling a CD3 u/s for Wednesday and, one that makes this week so crappy I feel like I might pass out, scheduling an appointment to have my beautiful, sweet cat put down Tuesday. 

I don't want to hear that you've got a cough so couldn't study.  I don't want to hear that you couldn't make it to the exam because you stubbed your toe.  I don't want to hear your complaints about your wife and your children who are just so demanding of your time.  I don't want to hear how you didn't *mean* to get pregnant.  And, most importantly, I do not want to hear your damn child cooing down the hall.

Get out of my way and don't mess with me.

It is not a good week.

Sincerely and with much appreciation,

Rebecca

You know you're feeling overly emotional when...

...McDonald's stops carrying your favorite breakfast item and it's all you can do to keep from crying in front of the manager.

Seriously, how sad is that?  Some background is in order.  My DH is a McD's addict (I'll save that rant for another day) and, since we've been together, we've gone to McD's essentially every weekend to have breakfast, coffee and read the paper.  Totally not how I would have spent my time before we were together, but it's come to be one of my favorite times of the week.  We show each other articles in the paper, I do the crossword puzzle and ask him sports questions.  It's just so nice.

Anyway, I've been a vegetarian for about 16 years.  So, yeah, McD's is not really a place meant for me!  But, a while ago they added this one breakfast item that normally comes with sausage that you could order without sausage and it is quite yummy.   Eggs, cheese, potatoes, peppers and onions in a tortilla -- the "McSkillet".  I'm sure that stricter vegetarians than I would still not eat it (I'm sure it picks up some meat-iness from the cooking surface) but it worked for me.  In fact, since it showed up on the menu I've probably had it once a week (sometimes more, I'm ashamed to say).  Last week it suddenly went away!  NO!!  The managers and workers (who know our order before we walk in the door) were sympathetic and said that a "junior" version was coming soon. 

So, today, my worst fears were confirmed -- you can't order the junior version without sausage!  Seriously, my eyes started welling up and I had to force myself not to cry.  I'm guessing the combo of sadness about my cat (he's still hanging in there and doesn't seem to be suffering), AF coming (my temp is dropping and I'm feeling crampy -- it's only a matter of time) and work stress/lack of sleep just all came to a head.  

Bring back my breakfast!!!!! 

I guess I may have to start making my own version of it at home and bringing it with us.  :)  I wonder what they'd say?

Whee it's Friday!

First off, thanks so much to everyone who commented on my last post.  I really appreciate that you're out there and supporting me! :) 

Still on the coaster.  Just waiting, now, for something to happen.  AF is due Sunday or Monday so we'll see what comes.  I'm not going to test until at least Tuesday if AF doesn't show.  My temp and some spotting are pretty good indicators of when AF is coming, so I'm usually ready.  The only cycle where I tested was a weird one when my LP was three days longer than usual and my temp was much higher than ever before.  And, all I got was lots of BFNs.  So, it just isn't worth it for me. 

I think I'm just feeling really emotionally drained right now.  My cat is getting worse and I'll probably have to have him put down soon.  :( Last night I cried for about 45 minutes.  Big, gasping, loud, can't catch your breath sobbing.  My eyes were swollen shut I cried so much.  It was for my cat but I think it was also for feeling like AF is coming and it was for the last 16 1/2 months of stress.

It's snowing today.  It's a really pretty, fluffy snow.  I walked in to work today and the snow was sticking to my coat and it was just so beautiful.  (I kept singing "snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes...") We've had about a week or two without snow, so it looks pretty and fresh again.  Winter weather amnesia has set in and I have forgotten for a few minutes what a pain snow really is. 

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the snow while I'm inside and don't have to think about dealing with it.  Today I'm giving an exam and then this afternoon I'm on an interview team for incoming freshmen.  They are candidates for the most prestigious scholarship we give -- a full ride for all four years including room and board and a big chunk of money for study abroad.  These are some incredible students -- not just academically but overall.  They are leaders, volunteers, etc., etc.  It is so wonderful to read their application packets and talk to them.  It's inspiring.  The one we interviewed yesterday was amazing and so humble you wouldn't believe it.  All I could think is "Wow, I really want to get you in a classroom or a research lab and see what you can do!!"

Waiting impatiently until I can go home and snuggle with my kitty just a little bit more.

Ride the Coaster

Welcome to the Post IUI 1WW roller coaster!  You must be over 6 months TTC to be admitted.  Full of twists and turns and giant hills with free falls!  Guaranteed to make you nauseous (or wait, maybe you're pregnant!!). 


Slowly creeping up the hill
DH:  "So, you'd be due in October if this worked?  We'd better start making plans for what we'll do since I'll be traveling next year a lot for work."
Wow, DH is not usually so positive about this working, maybe he knows something I don't know?  

Getting to the top
Rebecca:  "I've got cramps"
DH: "Isn't this early for you?"
Wow, maybe it is.  Maybe this *means* something!

Hitting the peak
Rebecca walks into the bathroom before bed and has to lean on the sink because she's nauseous.
OMG!  I'm nauseous!  Yippee!!

Staring over the edge

Rebecca realizes that she ate some old potato salad for dinner.
Hmm, how long have we had that potato salad anyway?

Starting to zoom down

Rebecca checks FF and realizes that she always has cramps around 9DPO.
Well, probably the cramps mean nothing.

Hitting the the bottom
Rebecca reads statistics about IUIs.
Wow, that's a pretty low probability of working.  I'm just being stupid thinking this will work.

Zooming back up the hill
Rebecca realizes DH ate the potato salad, too.
He isn't nauseous!  Maybe it's just me!

Quickly heading down again
Rebecca remembers that DH has an iron stomach and never gets nauseous.
Ugh, I'm just setting myself up for failure.  I shouldn't get my hopes up.  

And, that's just the first day!  Bet you can't wait to see what's around the next turn!

Just $500 for a ticket!  It's a bargain at twice the price!  Season passes are available!

Ooh, how exciting! An Award! :)

Thanks so much to 2catdaughters at My Stories for this award!  I feel like a "real" blogger, now! :)

Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

• Copy the award and place it in your blog.
• Link the person who nominated you for this award.
• Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
• Nominate 7 bloggers.
• Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate. 

Let's see, seven interesting things:

1 -- I was a dancer from age 4 until I graduated from college.  I took ballet six days a week when I was in high school and spent more time at the dance studio than anywhere else.  I was really too...well..."booby" to be a ballerina, though.  In college I switched to modern and loved it.  My biggest regret is that I didn't continue dancing after I graduated.  Sometimes I do dance around the house, though! :)

2 -- I can put my legs behind my head.   I, apparently, inherited this skill from my father.  (Not really something you want to know about your father, you know?!)

3 -- I walked down the aisle to Led Zeppelin at our wedding -- a string quartet version, but still.  :)  At the end, we walked back together to The Captain and Tennille.  We're big dorks.

4 -- In grad school I was a champion race walker (the wiggling hips and straight legs kind)!  I won my age group multiple times in races -- of course, I was generally the only person in my age group!! 

5 -- I studied Chinese in high school and college.  I really wish I could speak it better than I do, though.

6 -- My family is from Turkey and Greece.  We're Sephardic Jews.  My DH isn't Jewish, but I knew he was getting *serious* when we were dating and he started buying books called things like "Judaism for Dummies" and "Everything Jewish" so he'd understand me more!

7 --  I love teaching chemistry at all levels from elementary school through seniors in college.  :)  I find it fascinating to watch colors change during a reaction.  My absolute favorite reaction is copper ions reacting with ammonia to form a copper-ammonia complex.  It goes from a light blue color to a gorgeous deep royal blue.  Seeing that as a freshman in college sold me on chemistry.  (Told you I was a dork.)

People I nominate:

(Oh, dear, I need to expand my blogger buddies because I think nearly everyone I know has been nominated before... :) I'll nominate them again if they haven't responded, yet!)

T-party @ T-party (come back to blogging!)
AplusB @ a + b waiting for c
bumpsalongtheway @ Bumps Along the Way
Jen @ In the Making

OK, that's all I can come up with at the moment...

A happy post!

OK, so I feel like I've been ranting and complaining too much and I want to post something happy.  Not sure what, though... it'll come to me...  um...

Ooh, I mentioned once before that I've been doing guided imagery meditation every day this cycle.  It's been wonderful.  It's a program specifically for fertility (I'd rather not advertise it here, but if you want to know what it is e-mail me at sweetsoils at yahoo dot com).  I have no idea if it really does anything or not, but it definitely has helped me relax and fall asleep more easily.  I've done relaxation programs before (I've had chronic anxiety for a long time) but these are great because they're different every day to reflect what is going on in your cycle.  I tend to get really bored and distracted if I listen to the same thing over and over.  And, when you're trying to meditate, it's not a good thing if your mind drifts off to what you're going to wear the next day and then, by the time you realize it, the program is over!

Anyway, it is a really lovely way to end the day.  Lying quietly, picturing hormones flowing from my brain to my ovaries.  Picturing eggs popping out of follies and beautiful, fluffy uterine linings welcoming a fertilized egg that is growing quickly.  OK, so it's probably not the way many people would want to drift off to sleep, but it works for an IFer!  I think, if nothing else, it is helping me stay more positive about all of this and have positive images to focus on.

So, there you go.  Something positive!  I knew I had it in me! :)