Bookstores and IF Books

Howdy everyone!

I'm a big reader and my DH and I are obsessed with bookstores.  When we were in Boulder last week, we went to an AWESOME one -- the very cleverly named "Boulder Book Store."  It's in a really cool, old building in Boulder.  All sorts of hallways and hidden rooms and floors. One section of it is an old ballroom.  I wish we'd had more time to wander around.  It was great.  I think I'd live there if I could.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but whenever I'm in a bookstore I always head to their "fertility/infertility" section and check out their collection.  Sometimes I roll my eyes at "How to get pregnant" or "Eating for Fertility" or "Maximize your fertility in five easy steps!"  (Or, the most obnoxious "How to choose your baby's gender!")  After two years of this I've bought/skimmed enough of those and get really bored and sometimes angry with it all.  And, after a year of being "officially" infertile, I've pretty much abandoned reading the "how medical intervention can help" books, too.  I mean, between my doctors and Dr. Google and all of you guys, I feel like I could write them. (I do enjoy going to a used bookstore and finding a book from the 70s or 80s about infertility, though.  Makes me feel so much better to know how much more hope we have now.)

It was interesting when this change happened -- when I first started buying books I always thought "oh, I shouldn't waste my money on this 'how to get pregnant' book.  I'm sure I'll be pregnant this month and it will be a waste."  Now I just assume I won't.  My tiny town doesn't have a bookstore with a good selection (and besides, I know everyone there). So, I've bought most of my TTC/IF books at a bookstore near my DH's hometown that we visit every few months.  I realized the other day that the same lady has waited on me for every purchase.  I wonder if she's noticed my progression from pre-TTC optimistic "pregnancy for dummies" to month three hopeful "taking charge of your fertility" to month twelve desperate "why haven't I gotten pregnant, yet?" to month twenty cautiously ecstatic "what to expect when you're expecting" to month twenty-two depressing "how to deal with a miscarriage" over the past two years?

Anyway, I've given up on the "how to have a kid" books and am more interested in the "how to deal with how much this sucks" books.  A lot of stores don't seem to carry many of this variety.  Usually the ones that do are the stores that have also realized that it would be best not to put the IF section right next to the "woohoo you're pregnant, doesn't pregnancy bite ass?" section.  I imagine that these may be the ones that have someone in purchasing who is one of us. 

The Boulder Book Store?  One of those awesome stores.  A large selection of books.  One of which I'd never seen before:  Good Eggs:  A Memoir by Phoebe Potts.  (Not to be confused with A Few Good Eggs which was OK but spent the entire book telling me not to blame myself for my infertility and then went on and on about how it was my fault for waiting so long to have kids.  I finished it more depressed than I started.)

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, Good Eggs.  I opened it up, expecting to see page after page of the standard "here are the IF treatments I went through," "here is what you can expect," etc.  Instead, I saw pictures!  It is a wonderfully drawn graphic memoir (think graphic novel).  I sat down and started reading and realized that I had to have this book.  (I'm generally pretty cheap when it comes to book-buying -- very rarely do I buy a hardback book (or much of anything for that matter) that isn't in the clearance aisle.)


I loved this book.  I made myself stop reading it occasionally so I could savor it.  I pored over the images.  It isn't just about her infertility journey -- it is about her journey through depression, becoming an adult, working with underprivileged kids, finding her Jewish identity, finding her husband, dealing with her family.  I'm reading it again, now, because it went too quickly and I want to find any detail I missed.

I highly recommend this book!! It's funny, it's poignant, it's sad, it's happy.  I laughed, I cried.  (It was better than Cats, I'd see it again and again?)  I nodded along.  I identified with so much of it.

(Does it help that her drawings of herself look exactly like me?  Yeah, it does.)

Have any of you read this?  It just came out a month ago.  Do you have any other "man, IF sucks, but here's how I survived and why I'm a better person now" books that you've enjoyed?  I found one at a used book store a few months ago that I liked:  Crossing the Moon by Paulette Bates Alden.  Another story that combines her infertility journey with her personal journey to becoming who she is.

It helps me so much to read about women who have come out on the other side (with or without a baby) better for having been through the hell that is IF.

Back from Colorado!

Ok, first of all, I just noticed something: I have 101 followers! How did that happen?! Thank you so much to all of you ladies. (Well, I assume it is at least 99% ladies. For any guys out there -- howdy! Sorry I think and talk about my lady bits so much...)

We had a really nice time in Colarado. The weather was gorgeous for the first two days and the trees were at their peak. It was as if the world was on fire. I couldn't stop looking at the colors. I just wanted to capture the red and orange and vibrant yellow and live with it in my eyes! (Well, that just sounds weird.) I just love fall so much. I didn't have a camera with me -- probably a good thing or I would have just spent the entire time staring through the lens and ignoring my DH's family...

We went to the New Belgium brewery in Fort Collins and went on a tour. We've been before but it is just so cool. I'm not even really a huge beer person, but I always leave wishing I worked there. It is just about the coolest place in the world. Insanely environmentally friendly and they have someone whose job title is the Director of Fun. After you've worked there for a year they give you a touring bike in a ceremony where you become a part owner and you get to talk to the whole company about what it means to you. After five years, they take you to Belgium where you travel the path that led to the founding of the company. And, the beer is excellent. (I may have overindulged in it just slightly... I was on CD 3 and felt like it, darn it!!) My DH and I talked with someone specifically about their quality control statistics and chemical analysis (because we're geeks like that) and we're trying to set up a time in the spring that we can do a real behind the scenes shadowing tour with them where we just hang out with all their various testing labs all day long and see what they do. I'm uber-excited.

Seriously, though, if you ever go to Ft. Collins, definitely stop by for their tour if you like beer. It's a great place and the tour comes with all sorts of free extra yummy beer... It fills up quickly (weeks in advance, apparently) but there are usually spots on a waiting list the day of.

Ok, advertisement over. Man, now I want some beer...

I also indulged and bought myself a gorgeous pair of shoes at a little boutique. They are these but in a sort of dusty rose color. (The picture doesn't really do them justice.) Love, love, love them. I'm not normally a shoe person. Well, let me rephrase that. I love shoes but generally don't let myself spend a lot of money on shoes that I won't wear everyday. But, these were just calling to me. They only had them in my size and they looked like pointe shoes which made me happy, were amazingly comfortable and made me feel elegant. It was a necessary indulgence.

Anyway, back to the real world with lots of grading to do before classes tomorrow! Also trying to catch up with all of you and my ICLW'ing. Hope you all have had a good weekend!

October ICLW!

Welcome to ICLW!  Don't know what that is?  Click on the orange box over there ---->

For anyone who is new -- I'm Rebecca and my DH and I have been trying for #1 for two years.  We had a BFP after 20 cycles, but lost it at about 12 weeks.  My detailed history is over on the right.

Approximately there ----------------------------------------------->

(ok, there-ish, it's really lower down than that, but I'm enjoying the arrows)

So, here's a question for you.  How is it that when we were trying for 4 months it felt like a lifetime but, somehow, when we've reached two years it is starting to feel like we've barely been trying at all?  I think part of it is that the longer we've been trying, the more people I've "met" who have been trying for 3, 4, 5 or more years.  I guess it really all depends on your perspective.  We first went to the RE at 10 months with a blocked tube and I wanted to say to them "OMG, please, it has been FOREVER."  But, when I recently filled out paperwork for a new RE, I almost felt like I should apologize for bothering them when it had only been two years.

This makes no sense because sometimes I do feel like we've been at this forever. But, I think it also feels like it has just become a normal part of my everyday life.  Yes, I still think about it ALL the time.  But, I think it has all just become so routine.  Get up in the morning: frown at a thermometer.  See a pregnant lady: scowl.  AF shows up:  cry disconsolately.  Rinse and repeat. 

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going through the motions.

Some of this is also coming from my confusion as to where I belong now -- it's only been four months (3 TTC cycles) since my miscarriage.  Am I still infertile?  Are we starting over again?  Should we count that as day 0?  Do we count the months I was pregnant in the length of time we've been trying?  My old RE seems to think that we're starting over again and doesn't want to hear from me until we've tried for another 6 months.  I don't really think that getting pregnant once washes away my infertility -- if we have a 2-3 % chance or so each month, those odds don't seem to be that good that it will suddenly work again.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be so meandering.  AF showed up yesterday and I'm feeling very crampy and hormonal and a little down.

I may be a little delayed with my ICLW commenting for the next few days as we're heading to Colorado to visit my in-laws.  I will definitely get to you, though.  I love ICLW.

You guys really are wonderful

Hello to everyone out there in blogland.

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all that you are for me.  Your comments on my past few posts have made me feel so supported and part of such a strong community and made this hideous process much better.

I can't tell you how much it meant to hear your support about my letter to my Spider Baby.  It's funny, when I started writing that post, I was just going to recognize the day and move on.  But, something came over me and it just started to come out.  I feel like it was the first time I really put down on "paper" all of my feelings about the loss to this point.  It meant a lot to me to write it and I had no idea what sort of response to expect. 

And, I've found myself reading and re-reading the comments on my post about where we go now.  It amazes me that so many of you took the time to write something so thoughtful and helpful about where you've found yourselves and where we might go.  It has made me feel supported and less alone.

OK, so, anyway.  You guys are all awesome.  That's just what I wanted to say.

As an update -- I have finally scheduled an appointment with the new RE.  It isn't until December 14th, though.  They did say that as soon as I get paperwork back to them and they get my other RE's file then they might be able to move it up.  I felt kind of like an idiot talking on the phone to their receptionist.  Listening to myself I felt like a demanding, annoying patient.  I don't know that it was actually true, but that's what it made me feel like.  We'll see how it goes. 

I collapsed emotionally after I made the appointment.  I cried to my DH and cried to myself.  I felt so drained and upset and just frustrated.  It seems that, unless we get an earlier appointment with the new RE, we're going to be waiting out 6 months, anyway.  I wasn't really expecting to get an earlier appointment than that at a new place, but it seemed to have opened up something in me.  

I likely have two cycles before the appointment.  I feel like I want to DO SOMETHING before then.  But, we'll probably just wait it out.  I like the idea of doing a couple of non-monitored Femara cycles but I'd feel a little awkward asking my old RE to prescribe something right when they're getting a request for file transfer.  She'd probably want a baseline scan and we'll be out of town at the beginning of my next cycle so that wouldn't work, anyway.

Right now I'm waiting out this cycle.  I'm 11 DPO and expecting AF on Thursday.  My temps dropped considerably a few days ago and I'm not sure if AF will come early or if it is just because I've had a cold for a week and things are all just "off" from normal. 

We went to a wedding this weekend for one of my DH's friends.  It was nice.  The father-of-the-groom made a toast that ended with "And, I'm ready to be a Granddad!"  Everyone else laughed and clapped and hooted and I just sat there thinking "F*** you, you demanding prick." 

My voice finally came back!

This was sort of rambling. 

So, to sum up:  You are all wonderful, I made an appointment with a new doc, I fell apart, I'm waiting for the next cycle to start, I'm feeling for my DH's friends if they don't get pregnant quickly (I don't think they'll even be trying soon) because they're going to have some serious pressure to deal with, I can finally speak above a whisper and my brain is rambling!

That is all.  Carry on.

Dear little Spider Baby

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I don't want to let this day pass without saying that I will always remember you, my little Spider Baby and that I still think about you every day.  I fell in love with you as a blurry fluttering heart on a screen.  I said goodbye to you as a sadly still baby-shape floating in a much too large sac.  Your loss was painful physically and devastating emotionally.  I never believed you were there until you were gone.

Everyday as I get out of the shower I look at myself in the mirror and I miss you.  I wish so much that you were still with me.  Today would have been twelve weeks before your due date.  By now you would have either confirmed my suspicions that you were a boy or surprised me that you weren't.  I would be spending my days lovingly counting the number of times you painfully kicked me in the ribs.  Your Daddy would probably be starting to put things on my stomach while we watched TV to see if you could kick them off.  Strangers would be putting their hands on my stomach and asking me when I was due.  Your bladder kicks would have me rushing to the bathroom every few minutes.  My back would be aching, my boobs would be even bigger (I know, crazy right?), my stretch marks would be multiplying, I'd be exhausted from never being able to find a position to sleep in and I'd be the annoying preggo walking around with her hand rubbing her stomach.  Your Daddy would be replacing the windows in your room so it would be warm when you were born and we'd be painting the walls and finding a place to put all of the junk that has accumulated there over the years.  I would have loved it all.

Your loss confuses me.  I feel incredible sadness at the loss of possibility but I don't know how to think of you.  I feel like I don't know where I belong anymore.  Am I still infertile?  Am I part of the community of loss?  My loss seems so small sometimes and other times it seems to be the largest thing in my life. I only knew you were there for two months.  I never allowed myself to feel unmitigated joy about your presence.  How can you have had such an impact on me when you were so small that no one else even knew you were there?  I feel guilty that you're gone.  Could I have done something to stop it?  How could I have not known that your heart stopped beating three weeks before my body was ready to let you go?

I found this ring several months ago and I wear it everyday to remember you.  It is made of amber -- a stone of healing.  It looks like a sun and I like that it has eight large rays that remind me of a spider.  It sometimes catches the sunlight and glows with a beautiful red.  It won't let me forget that it is there -- sometimes the points poke my finger or it snags on a sweater and I remember it.  I like that.  When I remember it, I remember you.  People comment on it and it makes me think wistfully about you.  Until now, I've only shared its meaning with your Daddy and your Grandmother.


I don't know where I think you are right now.  I hate to think that you existed and then you were just gone.  I don't believe in heaven or angels but I like to imagine you in some sort of cosmic waiting room of souls.  A place of energy and emotions.  Maybe you're getting ready to send down a little brother or sister soul to be with us.  I hope so.  Please do.  Let them know how much we loved you and how much we will love them.

I feel your loss more some days and less other days.  Today has been a constant reminder.  From seeing October 15th on the calendar to having to smile as the visitor in my office told me conspiratorially all about the "sad colleagues he knew who were 52 and never even had kids but fill their empty lives with Worlds of Warcraft"  and then dared to complain about the parents of their college students and how he had to tell them "I'm sorry, but until you have kids, you just don't know anything.  You can't say anything."  I turned your ring on my finger and just stared at him and thought about you.

Thank you for being there for a while.  Thank you for changing me. 

Love always,
Your Spider Mama

Where do we go next?

Thanks for all the anniversary wishes! :)  I alternate between "how has it already been two years" and "wow, it's only been two years?"  We went out to a new restaurant in town on Monday (yummy) and just hung around at home watching TV afterward.  I have a cold, so I've been less than interested in doing anything in the evenings other than plopping on the couch.


My cold has also made lecturing interesting -- my voice slowly goes away in the course of a class.  Luckily I had a bit of a break between classes today and refreshed a bit.  It is pretty much gone all together now and I'm just squeaking.

Anyway, my DH and I talked a lot this weekend about where we go from here.  Well, I talked and attempted to get him to share his feelings.  He tends not to want to tell me how he feels because he doesn't want to upset me and really does want to do whatever I choose because he knows it is harder for me than him.  I almost feel like I was trying to brew up a fight.  Not exactly, but I just wanted him to say how he really felt about it all.


This is our third cycle trying since the m/c in June (4th overall cycle post-m/c).  Personally, I'm pretty convinced that there is no hope for us getting pregnant on our own.  This makes NO sense whatsoever -- we got pregnant on our own in April -- but it's where my mind is.  I think that we have maybe a 3% chance each month (if that) on our own.  It just feels like the odds of this happening soon are against us.  And, I guess I'm just terrified that it will take another 20 months.  The thought of it taking that long scares me on multiple levels.  First, will my sanity last that long? (I'm afraid of the answer to this one.)  Second, is my ovarian reserve just getting worse and worse?  (My last FSH test was a year ago and it was 12 -- on the border of being considered "high.")  Third, what if it takes 20 months, I get pregnant and then have a loss again?  Then they finally decide to test and it turns out that "all I needed" was aspirin -- but, "oops" your FSH level is now 50 and your chances are even lower and now you're likely to be a very poor responder to IVF so "good luck!"

(And, yes, I'm starting the1ww and there is, of course, a chance that I'm pregnant now.   I just think I've stopped "believing" in it.)

Also?  I just don't know how much longer I can make this the center of my life.  When I think back on the last two years it is hard to remember ANYTHING else that has happened other than me focusing intently on my internal organs.  This isn't good.  I need to move forward.  I feel like I've missed two years of my life.  I've become apathetic about my career.  I've become lazy at work and home.  I've become distant from friends with whom I haven't felt comfortable sharing our struggle.  I've become a bitter b**** in so many ways.  Our sex life has become "hey, when do you need me this month?" I don't remember a time where I was really happy and I don't remember what I used to do when I wasn't thinking about TTC all the time. 

So, I really feel like I need to move forward more quickly.  I need some sort of resolution.  We get more aggressive and it either works or it doesn't.  And, then I can figure out how I can move forward.  I seriously don't know what else to do with my life right now.

I'm torn, though.  The therapist last week asked me if this medication/monitoring break has been good or bad.  I think both. Good because non-medicated Rebecca is a much saner person who is more pleasant to be around and more pleasant to be.  Good because I don't have to drive 3 hours roundtrip for monitoring appointments once or twice a week.  Bad because I just feel like we're marking time.  Bad because my anxiety levels keep building each month that passes.

But, honestly?  Good because I think it is unlikely that I'll get pregnant this way.  I think a small part of me is afraid to get pregnant again.  I know that most likely this loss was a one time thing.  The probabilities are that it won't happen again. I really do plan on thinking positively about a next pregnancy and reminding myself to enjoy every minute of it.  But, I also know that without a second pregnancy there can't be a second loss.  I want desperately to be pregnant again but I also desperately do not want to go through another m/c. 

So, I know many of you will remember my anger at my current RE -- both her "see you in 6 months" response and her lack of caring about my mental health.  So, we're looking at changing doctors.  My DH doesn't really have any problem with the original RE.  He agrees that 6 months seems kind of foolish but he tends to be a "listen to the doctor" kind of guy and doesn't really see any problems with the laid back "try each new thing 6 times" approach that she takes to treatment.  If I weren't almost 36 I'd be OK with that, I think.  But, I am and I'm just feeling older and older every day.  (I had a prospective student and her mother in my office on Monday.  The mother was about five years older than I am (at most).  And she had a senior in high school.  I had to force myself to stop staring at her during the conversation.)

(Yes, 35 isn't really THAT old.  I know this.  I just felt "young" back when we started this when I was 33 and now, at 35, I feel and look like I've aged 10 years.)

Anyway, the truth is, though, that my DH will do whatever I want.  He knows that this has been hard on me and he wants to support me in it.  The problem is that it makes me feel guilty and whiny when I know he thinks we should listen to the doctor and the doctor thinks we should wait and I'm the only one left who thinks we should be more aggressive.  I feel like a hypochondriac.  He tries to tell me that it is OK for me to set up an appointment with a new doctor, but I know he is internally rolling his eyes about it. 

I guess I'm not even sure what I want the doctor to tell us we should do.  Before my BFP, we were taking a month or two off in preparation for an IVF consult.  We had done 4 Femara IUIs (after several disastrous months on and off Clomid) and had made the decision that we wouldn't do an injectible IUI because it wouldn't add a huge probability to our chances and, if it took several cycles, would most likely cost us as much as IVF would. And then we'd still be looking at moving to IVF.

Now?  I have no idea.  My DH is no longer on board with moving to IVF.  He thinks it is foolish given that we got pregnant without it.  But, when I try to describe the costs an inject-IUI cycle would require, the higher risk of multiples, the injections I would ask him to help with (he's very wary to do that even though he's given me multiple trigger shots), I'm not sure he's into that, either.  I don't want to go back to Femara-IUIs.  I feel like it never made much of a difference for us.  I got one or two good follies, he had crazy high post-wash counts and nothing happened.  I guess it is better than nothing (although, actually maybe it isn't since I got pregnant with nothing and didn't with the IUIs), but it is hard to see how much it will help. 

So, I'm torn.  I guess what I want to do is call the second clinic in the town where I go for my appointments to get a second opinion.  I seem to keep putting it off, though.  I tell myself that I only think about it early in the morning or after they're closed.  But, honestly, I think I'm afraid.  If I go there I'll have to get my records transferred and that makes me anxious (this is stupid, I realize).  If I go there, I feel like I'm jumping back in.  The past three months have felt like "casual" TTC.  (You know, as casual as you can be with timed intercourse, BBT monitoring and OPKs.)  It's felt low risk.  If we add anything new to the mix it is high risk and high emotion again.

So, yeah, I'm torn.  I don't know where we go from here.  I do know that it is possible that this cycle worked.  I do know that I can't keep living like this. 

(I guess my lack of ability to talk all day has made me write a lot... sorry this was so long...)

October 11th is a great day

Two years ago today my DH and I got married. I am the world's most indecisive person and I've questioned every other decision I've ever made.  I've never questioned this one.  

October 11, 2008
(ooh, look, it's a picture of Rebecca...kinda small, but still)

This also means that we have reached another 2 year milestone -- TTC.  That's painful but it's OK.  I know that this journey has made us stronger and more certain of each other than we ever were before.  I don't know where we go from here, but I know we'll go there together. 

(OK, cheesy moment over.  ☺ )

Rebecca answers more questions

Back to the questions...

 b35 said... hmmm, i can't ask just one question, so:
1) best book you've ever read?
Ooh, that's tough.  I don't think I can come up with just one.  I'll name a few that I tend to re-read multiple times.  Octavia Butler Lilith's Brood series (Dawn, Adulthood Rites, Imago) are incredible.  I totally live in a different world for a while when I'm reading them.  The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger is amazing.  I refused to see the movie because the book was so moving to me that I don't want to have anything disturb those images.  I cry so much reading that one.  Finally, The Tidewater Tales by John Barth.  Kind of a tough one to explain.  It's a postmodern novel blending poetry and prose about a couple who are 8 1/2 months pregnant with twins and go off on a sailboat and meet all sorts of people from classical literature:  The Odyssey, Thousand and One Nights, etc.  There is an absolutely fascinating teleplay in it about conception that I can't help but picture every single time we are BD'ing.  It took me several tries to get into the book.  But, now, I read it every two years or so.

2) favourite tv series
Oh, dear.  This could go on for a while.  I've always been a Star Trek fan and will watch any of the various series.  Currently?  House, Doctor Who, The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Fringe, Top Chef, Project Runway, Family Guy, The Simpsons.  In the past?  Seinfeld, Friends, Cheers.  Um, I could go on for a lot longer but then you'd think that all I ever do is watch TV.  And, I don't.  Really.  I promise. 




3) is there anything you'd change about your wedding day?
Oh, I absolutely loved my wedding!!  :)  My anniversary is Monday and the weather is starting to turn crisp and remind me of how lovely it all was.  We got married at a barn out in the country.  The ceremony was outside in a field in front of trees that were all just starting to change colors.  We blended Jewish and Christian traditions and random personal things and made something that was unique and special for us.  I never thought I'd be so excited about the actual wedding.  I really just wanted to be married.

The major thing I would change would be to have a wedding coordinator so I wasn't the one yelling at people or remembering every single detail.  I would also have hired a crew to clean up afterward.  The only other thing would be to have managed to get a better video person.  We'd planned to give the camera to a friend of ours but the person who was bringing the camera (he wasn't supposed to be the one bringing the camera, my mother was -- I'm not sure why she gave it to him as he is notoriously late to everything) showed up late and somehow never gave it up.  All we wanted was the camera to sit in the back on a tripod and film the ceremony.  He managed to wander aimlessly around (often with the camera pointing at the ground) and seemed to only ever get my face and the back of my DH's head.  Some moments he seems to have turned off the camera and missed altogether -- my friend reading a poem that made everyone cry, my DH's mother blessing the wine in English before my mother blessed it in Hebrew.  After the ceremony, he seemed to film only my side of the family (if you drank whenever my DH appears you wouldn't even get tipsy) and then recorded 2 of the 5 toasts that were given.  When I think about it, it makes me angry.  So I try not to think about it.  Everything else was wonderful and I have gorgeous pictures and wonderful memories to make up for the lack of the video.

Oak said...

Describe your best day ever. The one that actually happened, not one you would like to happen as I think we would all say the day we have a healthy baby. :)  I know it is cheesy and cliche, but I think it was actually my wedding day. It really was beautiful and, when I look back on it now, I am just amazed and touched that so many people came SO far into the middle of nowhere to help us celebrate. 

Rita said...

Tell us about the day you met your husband. Was it love at first sight??!   We were introduced at a picnic to start off the summer research program at our school.  We just kind of chatted a bit and I don't remember much about what happened there. However... this was not the first we knew of each other.  We both were members of an on-line dating site and, apparently, kept getting each other as "ideal matches" in weekly e-mails.  I kept thinking "oh, I couldn't date him -- he works where I do and that would just be awkward to meet someone on-line who works with you."  It just seemed weird. So, when I finally met him face-to-face at first I thought that we couldn't possibly date because we were both looking for someone to date.  (This logic is really not logical...) Apparently, he had printed out my profile (he has since framed it) and was having some of the same thoughts. Then, when he was trying to get up the courage to ask me out, I got up the courage to ask him to be a statistical consultant on our research project -- thinking he hadn't noticed me, yet, and this would help get us together.  WRONG!  Apparently it signaled to him that I wanted a professional relationship and he had to wait out the summer to go anywhere else with it.  I had no idea this is what he was thinking.  So, we had this ridiculously slowly developing relationship over the summer where I felt like I was in middle school trying to figure out if he liked me or not.  (My friend gave me a paper to hand to him that said "Do you like me?  Check one:  Yes  No.")  On the day I was about to give up, he finally kissed me and we've been together almost every day since for more than 5 years. 

ifcrossroads.com said...

Oooh! Can I ask a question??? SO sorry that I'm late to the question-asking party! I've been asked this question multiple times in my life (a few in interviews, actually!) and it's very thought provoking.  Sooo, If you could have a do-over on anything in your life, what would that be and why?  Ah, incredibly interesting!  I think that I would have kept dancing and been more committed to it.  I started dancing when I was 4 and focused on ballet when I was in high school -- classes 5-6 days a week for two hours a day or more.  My senior year, though, I ended up taking far fewer classes each week and it kind of petered out.  I was discouraged because I didn't have the right body type (tall-ish, larger chest, flat feet) and it just wasn't working for me.  And, I think I lost some of the dedication I used to have.  I started again in college, but without as much focus.  By the time I was a senior in college I was taking several classes each week, again, and I'd discovered modern dance and loved it.  I wish I'd found it earlier (I did some modern in high school, but not much) because I think I would have been incredibly happy with it. I really wish I'd kept up with it and taken classes or joined a small company when I was in grad school.  But, I didn't.  The Rebecca I am now says "why the hell not?" The Rebecca I was then was afraid of failure, I think. 

 All righty!  That's it for the questions.   Thank you all for them!!!  It was fun! ☺

Rebecca gets mad at fictional characters

I just wanted to share that my IF-induced pregdar has officially made me nuts.  (As if there was a question before?)  I keep predicting fictional characters who are pregnant and then it PISSES ME OFF when I'm right!  The final straw?  Cathy.  Yes, that's right, Cathy the comic strip.  I saw this "I'll wrap it all up nicely by making her pregnant in the very last panel of the comic strip" coming from miles away and I was getting angrier and angrier as it got closer.  Then, when it happened?  I was angry, frustrated, anxious, depressed, sad.  (Always fun when reading the Comics.)  OK, maybe it's just because I'm about to ovulate and hormonal and I'm overreacting just a tad (ya think?), but it just pissed me off that the only way that she could see to wrap up her life was to have her be pregnant.  Oh, thank goodness she didn't have to go on with life without a baby.  That would have just been the end of the world.  And, G-d forbid her mother would have to live her days without being a grandmother. 

(OMG I'm so incredibly jealous of a comic strip!!!)

OK, I suppose I could look at it a different way and think that maybe they had some IF issues -- they've been married a while.  Maybe they were trying and not telling anyone?  I mean, if your life was presented daily in millions of newspapers would you really want to share that information?  And, seriously, she must be a miracle of modern science.  If the comic has been out for 34 years and she was probably supposed to be in her 20s when it started then she's almost 60 by now!  That's wonderful! 

(Possibly I've lost all perspective.)

Seriously?  Have I become so bitter that I can't be happy for anyone who gets pregnant?  Even in a flippin' comic strip?!  Oh dear.