Time for another reveal...

Two boys!!

My stepbrother has already named them Data and Lore (from Star Trek: The Next Generation for those who are not as "geekily" inclined as everyone in my family...)  But, then that means one of them is kind of evil, so we're going to avoid that combo.

I'm just amazed.  I can't wait to see them together with my SIL's two boys (currently 2 1/2 and nearly 4). 

Picturing them as boys has given me the ability to imagine them in the future.  As actual babies.  As toddlers.  As growing 15-year-olds who are eating us out of house and home. 

I can't wait.

(I am still cautious just in case we find out later on that they made a mistake.  But, so far, each scan has confirmed it and I'll be 19 weeks tomorrow (YOWSA), so it's looking pretty clear.  We've got another scan on Wednesday with the MFM, so we'll take another look to be on the safe side...)

(Baby-filled post) It's a...

Boy and [a baby who does not care to reveal its sex at this time]!!!

Most importantly, both babies are doing great.  All measurements were excellent.  Baby A is measuring at 17w0d and Baby B is at 16w5d.  (I was 17w1d, so we're good.)  It's so cool that they now base the measurements off of girth, bone length, head size, etc. and not CRL.  Heartbeats were strong and beautiful in the 150s.  All the measurements of femur length, head size, etc., etc., indicate healthy babies with no indication of Downs or other Trisomy.  Hearts had four chambers and brains had lobes and cerebellums.  Babies were both waving at us and we saw adorable fingers and toes and noses that I just wanted to gobble up.

One of the best parts was that she was able to confirm where the two babies are located.  So, now I really feel like I am interacting with each one specifically.  It's a wonderful feeling.  And, it confirmed that I think I have been feeling one of them (Baby B) moving a little lately.  By the time I notice something and stop to think about it, it's gone.  But, I do think it's there.

Now, back to the sexes.  Baby A -- our normally stubborn little one who made us wait 45 minutes to get an NT scan -- gave us the Full Monty leaving NOTHING to the imagination!  When the sonographer showed him (HIM!!!) flashing us, all three of us went "Whoa!"  Because, yeah, that was a boy.  :)  When the MFM came in to go through the pictures with us later and got to that slide he said "Yeah, there's no doubt in my mind, that's a boy."

As soon as the sonographer confirmed what we were seeing, my eyes teared up.  It was like suddenly I could see a future son.  It was amazing.

Baby B, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with the whole "flash your parents" thing that his/her brother (BROTHER!) had going on.  The sonographer kept trying.  She zoomed in, zoomed out.  Did all her measurements.  Came back to the legs.  Scanned at a different angle.  No dice.  Try again later.

My cervix is long and closed and narrow -- super, duper yay!  It was so bizarre having a transvaginal ultrasound again.  It felt like old times.

We go back in 2 weeks for another cervix scan -- this will be the normal schedule for the rest of the pregnancy.  They'll also scan the babies quickly to make sure stomachs, etc. are still good.  Hopefully Baby B will be a little more revealing then.  Then, 2 weeks after that (at about 21 weeks) will be the big anatomy scan.

We spent the rest of the evening talking about names, seriously, for the first time.  My DH was so funny -- he's had a boy's name picked out for years.  I'm not sure if it will definitely be used, but we're pretty happy with it so far as I think about it identifying this particular boy.  (Crazy!)  But, then he said "but, what if there's another boy?  I've never thought about finding a SECOND boy's name!!!"

Definitely taking a step toward this feeling more real.

(Still don't think I'm going to that birth group this weekend, though.  Maybe next month.)

Being a "normal pregnant woman"

I've seen so many pregnant IFers write about this over the years and I've hit that point.  I don't know how to be a normal pregnant woman.  I don't know how to interact with other pregnant women or mothers.  I know I should be trying to find moms and others who will have kids who will be the same age as mine, but I just can't do it.

In the past week two different women (both of whom had babies while I was struggling with IF) have invited me to come to a local "moms and expectant moms" club.  "Club" is the wrong word, but I can't think of a better one.  They get together once a month and talk about birth options and breastfeeding and raising kids, etc., etc.  They have some scheduled "seminar" type meetings and some just general gab fests.  Each time they mention it to me, I feel myself cringing on the inside while trying to smile on the outside.

Is it because I still don't believe it will happen?  I'm 17 weeks today.  I'm BEYOND thrilled.  Every day is a blessing and every Tuesday is a day of utter joy as the week ticks over and I feel yet a bit more confident.  I'm sure I'm incurring the wrath of any infertile woman in my building as my belly sticks out more and more.  I can't hide it anymore and it makes me happy.  The fact that this happens so early because there are two is an added blessing. (I wish there was a label I could put on my stomach that explains how it got there sometimes in case I'm making someone feel as bad as others have unintentionally made me feel the past three years.)  But, I still feel like every time I say "when the babies are here" my mind still silently adds "yeah sure."   Maybe it's just too early.  It's one of the main reasons I'm really hoping we can find out the sexes tomorrow.  I'm desperately reaching for something that will help me feel like it's more "real."  But, right now, I feel afraid to get together with a group of moms because I still feel like an imposter.


Is it because the two who invited me are both considerably younger than I am and I was SO resentful of them when they were pregnant that I STILL haven't seen one of their children even though he's got to be almost 2?  I've got to get over this. As much as I've loved the support I've found on-line with IF, I need to find local women to bond with as a mother.  I need to find people I can get as much information from as I've gotten from all of you.  I need to find mothers I can hang out with.  Do I just feel too old to be part of this? Do I feel awkward being a first time mom?

Is it because of the "naturalness" of this particular group?  I'm generally a good old natural kind of girl.  If I'd had my druthers (give me my damn druthers!!) I'd have gotten pregnant easily and give birth in a pool.  But, so far, no dice.  And, with the combination of twins and a weakened uterine fundus from prior surgery, my children will be born by scheduled C-section no later than 38 weeks (PLEASE let us get somewhere near there).  Yes, I plan on breastfeeding, but I'm not a crazy woman about it and recognize that we may need to supplement or replace entirely with formula and I'm OK with that.  There was nothing "natural" about my getting pregnant and there will be nothing "natural" about how my babies get here.  (Please note that "natural" doesn't mean, you know, natural.  My babies are natural, damnit.) And, I don't care one little bit.  I just want them here.  But, as much as I would like to live my life as naturally as possible, I HATE being told to do so.  I'm a live and let live girl.  As long as what you're doing with your life doesn't harm you or those around you, I don't see the point in trying to convince you to live like I do.  Everyone makes their choices in life.  And, I've dealt with enough people who try to tell me or others otherwise that I just don't know if I can sit in a group defending the fact that I've been told by three separate doctors who reviewed my specific surgical history that if I don't have a C-section my uterus might rupture during a contraction and hearing "oh, yes, you can, you've just been told that by the "birth business" and they don't know everything and the only way to bond with your child is natural childbirth."  (I'm totally putting words in their mouths.  They could all completely understand.  I don't know.  And, sorry for that crazy-long run-on sentence.)  Yes, I've always pictured natural childbirth but I've made my peace with the fact that I don't actually have a choice.

Phew.

Is it because of IF?  I wonder if I would have been "into" this if we'd gotten pregnant easily?  I'm not really a "sharer."  (Yeah, that's funny, isn't it?  I mean, here I am, sharing every little thing out to the entire internet and I don't like to share with people I actually know.  It's the weird conundrum of semi-anonymous social media, isn't it?)  Is it because I don't want to be in a room of women, most of whom have NO idea what it's like to go through what we've been through to get here and still feel that bitterness?  I mean, I could find it's a group of women who ALL understand what it is like to go through IF or be pregnant after a loss (or even many losses).  Is it because I want to keep my pregnancy "special" and going to a session like this will make me realize it really isn't?  Or, is it just my normal apprehension of being in a group and "sharing?"  My usual feeling of not wanting to participate in something where I don't already know everyone.  Or, honestly, my fear of dealing with women I already do know?  It's a small town, this.  I probably know half the people who go to this group.  I'm not sure I'm ready to "share" with them.

I don't know.  I think it's all of the above, really.  I'm afraid to believe this is happening.  I'm afraid of dealing with people trying to tell me how I should live (even though they probably just want to help give me options).  I'm afraid to be in a room full of "fertiles."  I'm afraid to share.

Maybe it will get easier as this goes on and I start to really believe it.  I think that's the biggest obstacle of all.

Randomness

• The semester started this week and I've barely been able to come up for air.  Sorry about the lack of commenting lately -- I've been keeping up and reading but I've been knocked out exhausted and had a hard time coming up with a coherent sentence at the end of the day.  I'm trying to catch back up.
• Yeah, this "walking across campus to get to classrooms" thing isn't going so well.  Especially not when added to the "stand and teach for 50 minutes" thing.  I'm in "high technology" rooms this semester (hence the walk across campus since the one in my building is booked with larger classes) which I've been enjoying.  For one thing, I can actually teach sitting down a lot more easily in these rooms if I need to.  (Which I'm going to need to.)  We have rooms "on hold" in my building for me to switch over to at some point this semester when I can no longer make the waddle.  I'm afraid it's going to have to be earlier than I expected -- I'm going to try again next week and see how it goes, but it's been exhausting and kind of achy -- and any achy feeling makes me nervous.  I'm perfectly fine with chalk and a chalkboard, but I enjoy that my notes are saved on the smart board and that my lectures are recorded on-line so students can review them.  And, of course, being able to sit and still write "on the board" easily is a big perk.  We do have video overheads, but it's not quite the same.  Oh, well.  
• Apparently, despite the 2000 IU of Vitamin D my MFM has me on and despite a good reading of Vitamin D blood levels a year ago, I now have low Vitamin D -- must be all the clouds lately.  So, now I'm on 10,000 IU of Vitamin D a day for the next 30 days.  All my other vitamins look good, though, so that's a plus.
• Still waiting on iron results.  Not sure why that's taking so long.  I've been eating everything high in iron that I can but I assume I'll become anemic at some point this pregnancy -- between lack of red meat, a genetic predisposition and a twin pregnancy it seems inevitable.
• Unbeknownst to me (that's an awesome phrase, I think I'll use it more often), my local OB did some blood clot testing last week as well.  Today the nurse called to tell me that all other factors were fine but I'm homozygous for MTFHR a1298c.  Which is interesting. They're not at all concerned -- and, of course, there's a controversy over whether the mutation (even in both genes) has an influence in pregnancy loss.  I'm already on a high dose of folic acid and have been on baby aspirin since embryo transfer.  I'll see if the MFM has anything to add about it at my appointment with him next week. 
• Somehow, through all 12 vials of blood, they managed to forget to do a CBC -- you know, the most obvious of blood tests.  So, now I have to go back on Monday to get that done.  But, the nurse said that the OB wanted to do the quad screening in the next two weeks, anyway, so we'll get them both done.  It's so much easier to just drive five minutes to get bloodwork done than it was to drive 90 minutes for a beta that it really doesn't matter to me.
• There have been so many things over the past week or so that I've thought "I need to post about that" but now I can't remember what any of them are!!!  Grr.
• After a week of record breaking heat with highs near or at 60, we plummeted overnight back to the reality that is January in the midwest.  BRR.  Snow, crazy wind, ice.  Unpleasant.  The sun's out finally, though, and it's making me feel a lot better.  
• Last weekend marked the one year anniversary of my unfulfilled due date with Spider Baby.  I have such mixed feelings about that day.   That's a post for another day.
• This week has brought lots more "reveals" with colleagues and students.  Not that the belly hasn't been revealing it for me lately...  Yeah, I'll definitely get a belly shot up soon.  I seem to have popped a lot more.  I'm not huge, but I'm definitely pregnant.  Which is awesome, most definitely.  (Still eating everything that isn't tied down.)  Each reveal still scares me but also gives me a thrill.  
• My colleague wanted to announce the pregnancy in the alumni newsletter but I stopped her.  It's fine if it trickles down to the alumni who would actually care, but sending an announcement when I'm only 16 weeks is nuts!  I'm barely OK with people around here knowing much less everyone who ever graduated with a chemistry degree!!  No thank you.  Let's wait until they're here, OK?  (Besides, what the hell would most of them care?  That's worse than a FB announcement if you ask me.)
• Next Wednesday is our next MFM appointment.  I can't wait.  We'll scan cervical length and check in on the babies.  We *might* be able to find out genders.   I just want to be reassured again that all is well.  I hate waiting between appointments -- I know I'm lucky that we get seen more often, but even that wait is TOO long!!
• I have been feeling things that I could convince myself are movement but I don't think it really is -- still waiting for it.  Come on little ones!  Kick the hell out of me!  Team up and kick together.  One, two, three -- kick!!! 
• OK, so that was a lot.  Sorry to keep going on.  I just finished a marathon session of letters of recommendation and I needed to write something other than "XX is an excellent student.  She was in the upper yy % of her peers.  She did x, y and z while she was here.  Woohoo."  (Yeah, they're better than that -- I take a lot of time with each one.  Which is exhausting.)
• Ooh, I think my office hours are over and I can go home!!  Yay home!  The sofa is screaming my name!
• Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Feeling my age; a pregnancy update

Thanks for the birthday wishes!  Do you know what will really make you feel "old"?  Going to the OB's office and seeing all the flippin' pregnant TEENAGERS.  Oy.  It's funny, the last time we went to the local OB, there were only two other women there and only one was visibly pregnant (the other was in her 70s, so I doubt she was...although, I suppose anything is possible).  This time, it was giant belly city.  My DH was in shock at how many pregnant women he was seeing -- a dozen, I think.  There was a line at the restroom for urine tests!  And, I'm sure I was the oldest by about 10 years.  I never feel like an older mother until I see so many young ones.

I'm just really glad I didn't go to this OB/Gyn before I was pregnant.  I still feel awkward around big bellies and like I don't belong.  And, the bitterness hasn't quite gone away.  But, I definitely don't think I could have handled going there for regular gyno appointments while going through IF.

Anyway, it was a good appointment.  We had a quick scan to see the babies' heartbeats and both were strong.  It was amazing to see how much they'd grown in two weeks and how much closer they are to each other.  The membrane between them looks so much thinner and it looks like they're starting to notice each other and kick at it.  Crazy!!!  My blood pressure was good.  The phlebotomist took 12 vials of blood, some of which were huge.  It sure is a good thing that your blood volume goes up when you're pregnant.  I felt like someone should have given me juice and cookies and a free Red Cross t-shirt after all that blood!  There were some blood levels that no one had taken so far, so the OB wanted to cover all the bases. 

I've successfully gained 7 pounds in the last three weeks.  YIKES.  I have to keep reminding myself "this is good, I'm supposed to be gaining that."   The doctor was really happy about the weight gain.  I think that, in total, I've probably gained about 12 pounds so far at 15 weeks.  I'm supposed to be aiming for at least 20 pounds by 20 weeks.  (25 pounds by 20 weeks according to one book) My brain has an incredibly hard time accepting this.  I keep expecting the doctor to fuss at me for gaining so quickly.  (Instead of praising me for it like she actually did.)  But, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a GOOD thing.  Apparently, with twins, the weight you gain before 28 weeks is what matters in helping increase birth weight.  So, I'll keep eating and eating and eating.  And, I'll keep telling the former dancer who lives in my head who has always been "the thin one" to shut up and have a milkshake.

My next appointment is a scan at 17 weeks with the MFM.  I don't think it will quite be the full anatomy scan but just to check in and to do a cervical length test.   And, possibly genders.  Eep.

We've started telling a few more people at work and the news has started to spread on its own.  It's still so shocking and scary to share.  At some point this will feel real, right??

For those who have asked, I will post a belly shot at some point but will put it in a separate page so it doesn't just hit you in the face.  I just have to get a little braver...

Is it 2012? Am I 37? Are you sure?

The weirdest thing about it being the new year is that I barely noticed.  I've always been one for getting excited about the change in years -- calendar years, academic years, Jewish calendar years.  I love the idea of a fresh start.  But, this year all I can say is "meh."  It seems so unimportant.  The only timeline that seems important right now is surviving this semester and keeping these babies safely inside until June (or May at the earliest, please).

It was my birthday on Saturday.  I think that's part of why I always get excited about the New Year -- my birthday is New Year's Eve.  Isn't it weird when you reach the age where, when someone asks how old you are, you actually have to do the math?  I'm 37, now.  When I write it down like that it seems crazy -- that really sounds like I'm in my late 30's, doesn't it?  I'm not really sure when that happened.  I'm still 27, right?

We didn't do anything too exciting for my birthday or for New Year's.  We did end up spending a few hours with some friends playing cards.  That was fun.  But, we headed home by 8:30 and I was in bed by 10:30 after falling asleep on the couch at about 9:30.  My DH, who on a normal day stays up until 1 am, was in bed by 11:30.  We both woke up to fireworks at midnight, mumbled "Happy New Year" and rolled over.  We didn't even remember to have a New Year's kiss until the next morning!  How old are we?

I'd like to say something profound about "this year being the one" and "2012 and 37 being the best year of my life" but I can't figure out how to say it without feeling ridiculous.  All I can say is that I hope with all my heart that everything will turn out this year.  Every day in this pregnancy seems like such a gift.  Every Tuesday (when the week "changes") a miracle.  After three years and a loss and all the bleeding at the beginning, I am having such a hard time just accepting that this will work.  I know it's all very little compared to what so many others have gone through, but it's enough to worry me.  We were so incredibly lucky with this first IVF that I still can't believe that it happened.

I've been very good about staying positive -- I've bought maternity clothes, I went through my closet and put away shirts and pants that I can't possibly wear, we've tried out double strollers at the consignment shop, we've been researching minivans.  I'm celebrating every day of this pregnancy and every imagined thought of our future babies.

But, I'm still terrified before each appointment.  Our next OB appointment is Wednesday afternoon and I'll be 15w1d.  No matter what I tell myself, I can't help but be afraid that if I tell anyone new before then about the twins that I'll have to be telling them otherwise on Thursday morning.  I know that, at this point, the chances are WAY in our favor that everything will be fine.  It's just hard to really believe it in my heart.
 
I remember a few years ago being really pissed off at the woman who worked down the hall from me.  She was so obviously pregnant with her second child but didn't tell anyone.  When she finally announced her pregnancy, she also announced that they'd just found out the baby's sex.  All I could think is "gah, by the time you can tell the sex, you're almost halfway through, what is wrong with you?"  I think I get it a bit more, now.  I mean, as far as I know, she found out the sex through amnio or CVS after some scary screening result.  I was just so bitter that she was having her second while I was still trying to have my first that I couldn't think straight. 

Anyway, all this to say that I have more hope in my heart this year than I've ever had before.  I'm amazingly happy.  But, I'm cautious.  I'm not ready to run through the streets just yet. 

Sending hope for a wonderful 2012 to everyone out there.