Rebecca rolls her eyes

Warning, random venting ahead:

Don't you love when visitors have to make sure to tell you that the reason they need to leave on Friday is that they have four kids under nine and they like to "dedicate their entire weekend to them"?  This was a business discussion and I didn't need to know that.  I asked "will you be leaving Friday or Saturday" and your answer could have been "I'm leaving Friday." 

I really wanted to respond:  "I want to leave early on Friday, too, because I don't have any kids and I like to dedicate my entire weekend to crying while my ovaries age.  This weekend I also will want to make sure I can dedicate my entire weekend to running to the bathroom every five minutes to see if AF has arrived."

Add that to the fact that the entire e-mail was written in lower case letters.  Every single word.  Every "i" and every name and every first word of every sentence.  Even his signature section at the end.  Really?  In business communication?  Are you five?  Did you break the "shift" key?  Is your presentation going to include a PowerPoint with no capital letters?  Do you submit articles to journals written that way?  Are you secretly e. e. cummings?

*****Rolls eyes*****

9DPIUI -- is she or isn't she?

Am I?  No, I'm not!  Well, maybe I am?


Guess that symptom!  Is it new or old?  Is it a pregnancy symptom, PMS or a sign I'm not sleeping enough?

Seems to happen every cycle:
plenty o' pretty pimples
barrels o' achy boobs
carfulls o' dull cramps
bouts o' utter exhaustion

Only a few cycles:
fun with stabbing ovary pain!
crazy creamy CM!

This is new:
random giant temperature dip at 8 DPIUI (deeper than normal dips, but I'm not putting too much faith into it)


I'm torn between trying to stay positive and see the "new" more than the "old" and staying negative to protect myself but hope for a pleasant surprise!  Sunday is when AF would be late, so I'll wait until then to test.

This week is just going to go on forever.  Never ending guessing and wondering. 

On a completely unrelated note -- Passover starts tonight.  My favorite holiday and the one I miss my family at the most.  Trying not to think about them all getting together and singing.  To anyone out there who is celebrating -- Happy Pesach!

Not much going on

Hi folks!  Welcome to Rebecca's boring blog!

Yes, it's the start of the 1ww and Rebecca really has nothing to say...

Um... let's see what I could talk about. Work is crazy stressful?  My house is a mess?  I really want it to warm up so I can wash our blankets and hang them to dry?  I was a bad IF'er today and drank a latte?  My face is covered in zits?  Our town just increased the charges for trash by about 1/2 and seem to be punishing those of us who don't generate a lot of trash and discouraging recycling when they've been encouraging it for years?  My bank just sent me a paper statement to say that they'll be saving paper by combining my statements -- despite the fact that I actually only get e-statements from them and this was a waste of paper?  My great aunt sent me a 1 1/2 year delayed wedding gift that she told my mother she held onto because my mother hadn't sent her grandson a Bar Mitzvah gift?  My RE's office has started sending me bills for procedures that someone else got?  One of my former students is finishing her Ph.D. and applying for a teaching position at my school and I have no idea how I've already been here long enough for that to happen?  My relaxation exercises relax me too much and I keep falling asleep during them? 

OK, so there are obviously lots of things going on but nothing particularly interesting.

AF is due next Saturday.  We're officially in the 1ww.   I'm sure this week will crawl by.  If this doesn't work (but remember, it is going to work) then I think we have to sit out a cycle IUI-wise.  We're going home to my stepdad's 70th birthday party and, since things got delayed a couple of days this cycle, I think it is going to fall exactly during O time.  Oh, well.  A break could be a good thing. 

But, that doesn't matter because this is going to work.

Everything's copacetic

I'm a word-addict.  I love word games.  I live for Boggle.  Bananagrams is my life.  My favorite part of Sundays is the NYTimes crossword puzzle.  I have no fewer than 10 crossword books in various rooms in my house -- one of which has 500 Sunday NYTimes puzzles!  I've always been a huge reader and I seem to have picked up all sorts of obscure vocabulary words and tend to get strange looks from people when I use them.  I never realize that I'm saying anything unusual!!  I have friends who teach linguistics here and one of these days I'm going to sit in on their classes.  My DH thinks I'm making words up since he is definitely not a word person.  I'm truly a geek but I come by it naturally -- my mother is like this, too.

So, I get a "word-of-the-day" e-mail every morning that gives a word, its definition and origin.   Today's word was "copacetic" (koh-puh-SET-ik meaning "very satisfactory" (or "it's all good" ☺)).  The origin is fascinating!  Apparently there is quite a lot of debate about it.  One prevailing theory is that Bill "Bojangles" Robinson made it up as a kid!  Others believe that it is a corruption of the Hebrew phrase "kol b'seder" which means "everything is in order."  They say that African Americans working in Jewish owned businesses in the early 1900s heard their bosses saying this and repeated it until it became a new word -- "copacetic."  Apparently it was most popular in the southern U.S., so some scholars have proposed that it was actually created in Atlanta! (Others don't believe any of this... ☺)

This is fascinating to me for many reasons:

1. I had no idea this was a made up word!  It's always been one of my favorites.  I'm not sure why, but it just seems to flow so well and it just makes me feel...well...like everything's copacetic!
2. My family came to the U.S. between 1905 and 1915 and were Jewish business owners in Atlanta in several predominantly African American communities.  They most likely would have spoken Ladino and not Hebrew amongst themselves, so it isn't too likely that they started this, but how cool?  I really need to look in my Ladino dictionary and figure out if there's a similar phrase.  (For those who don't know, Ladino is Judeo-Spanish -- it's mostly Spanish with a melding of Hebrew, Turkish, Greek, etc. It was spoken by Sephardic Jews (mostly Spanish origin).  As Yiddish is to most Jews, Ladino is to Sephards.)
3. Apparently it was a more popular word in the 60s.  Which just proves to me, yet again, that I was born in the wrong decade!!
4. When I asked my DH if he knew the word, he thought maybe it was related to "kaopectate" which just made me laugh.  ☺

Anyway, all this to say that I've decided that everything's copacetic around here.  I'm going to attempt to stop having daily mood swings from "eep, the world is coming to an end" to "I'm so happy!"  We'll see how that goes...


Yep, everything's copacetic.

ETA:  The word-of-the-day e-mail is from Merriam-Webster.  They also give you a daily word game (with lots of other games there as well).  My mother and I compare our times on the word games sometimes.  Yep, we're that geeky.  ☺

Lots of random things

I'm just in one of those moods when lots of little things are running through my head.

• I find myself staring intently at the stomach of every woman with a kid around 6 months or so utterly certain that she's pregnant again.  Does anyone else do this?  I'm convinced that the woman down the hall from my office is pregnant with her 3rd.  Probably she just hasn't lost some of the weight from the last baby, but, I'm terrified that's not it and she's pregnant.  If she announces a third pregnancy, I think I'll have to change offices.  I can't watch her belly grow another time.
• I'm so tired of being told "soon you'll have kids and..." by one of my colleagues.  Every conversation with him somehow leads to that.  Sometimes I realize that what I'm about to say is going to lead to it and I try to stop but I can't.  "My DH and I both worked all weekend."  "Soon you'll have kids and..." "This is leftovers from dinner last night"  "Soon you'll have kids and..." "I have to come back for an 8:30 meeting tonight"  "Soon you'll have kids and..."  Sometimes he blindsides me, though.  "I need to work on that new course syllabus"  "Soon you'll have kids and..."  I've taken to talking over him whenever he starts it.  He's only about 5 years older than my DH but had kids when he was in grad school and his oldest is about 23.  He complains about his family all the time.  The other day he said something about "enjoy it while you're young."  To which I replied "too late!" 
• I've become very predictable.  I was watching House Hunters yesterday (which I should stop doing because it makes me jealous of gorgeous (or at least clean) houses and of people with kids...) and the couple said "we're planning on having kids in two years." I snorted and said "yeah, good luck with that."  My DH said "I knew you'd say that!"  Of course, since the show was filmed two years ago, I'd almost guarantee that the couple in question either already had a kid (oops) or got pregnant as soon as they started trying.  It just seems to be that way.  (Anyone watch "Say Yes to the Dress?"  Can't handle the number of times they end with "X and Y got married in June and are expecting their first child.")
• I'm such a horridly jealous person lately.  I keep trying to realize the grass isn't always greener and be happy for what I have, but it's so hard.  I know that these people I'm jealous of have difficulties in their lives as well, but I can only focus on the one thing they have that I want:  they have a kid, they're pregnant, they're jumping into more involved ART, etc.  Will this ever go away?
• I've had so many days recently where I just wonder why we're even doing this.  So, what if we never have kids?  Our lives were fine before TTC.  What's the point?  But, then I see someone holding her infant and smiling or my friend's 3-year-old comes running to give me a hug screaming my name or I hear a new mom saying how "instantly in love" she is or I see a college basketball player's mom tearing up as she watches her daughter in the championship series on TV or I see a divorced dad fighting to spend time with his kids or my friend's stepson calls her "mommy."  My heart breaks and I'm so afraid I'll never feel that way.  We just have to do this.

IUI #4 is done!

IUI #4 is done!  It went pretty smoothly.  A little cramping but not too bad.  DH's total count post-wash was 74 million highly motile, so woohoo!!!! :)  With the two follies and great lining, we've got as much chance as we ever do, I suppose!


My regular RE did it, which was nice.  We got to talk to her a little about what comes next.  (Hoping this cycle works, of course.)  I think we'll basically try one more cycle with the same protocol (femara and estrogen) and then we'll figure out what comes next.

But, I'm going to stay positive -- this is going to work. 

Oh, and the chemistry demo show went great!  :)  Lots of kids and grown-ups there and we had a great time.  

It's going to work.  It's going to work.  

This is it for us, it's going to work.

It's going to work.  It's going to work.  

It's going to work.  It's going to work.

It's going to work.

It's going to work!!!

Sometimes I really love my job

 One of the many components of my job is that I'm the advisor to our campus' student chapter of the  professional chemistry society.  It is often one of the most time consuming parts of my job (although it's supposed to be just a minor service activity) but, for the most part, I really love it.  I'm over-involved, I admit it, but it's hard for me to step back.  I'll miss it if I ever manage to get to go on maternity leave.  (Although, my DH will say that the best thing for my stress levels and sanity would be to stop working with them.  He's right.)


Let me take a moment to toot my own horn:  when I started working here 8 years ago, the chapter was disorganized, had about 5 regular members and didn't really do much.  I took over as advisor during my second year teaching here and I've worked with the students to make them a national award winning chapter.  It's taken incredible student leadership and a lot of hard work.  We now have at least 30 active members, with lots more semi-active members.  They do all sorts of outreach activities in the community and social and professional events on campus.  It's been just an incredible part of my job.

That isn't to say that sometimes I don't feel like strangling them (because 18-22 year-olds are not always the most reliable people in the world) but I absolutely love how excited they get and how creative they can be.


So, all this leads to the most stressful but absolutely best part of this week.  We just got back from performing a chemistry demonstration show at the local elementary school.  Students made solutions change color.  Others made bubbles appear from nowhere.  Water disappeared.  They got an egg stuck in a bottle.  We put small children inside of giant bubbles.  We brushed an elephant's teeth.  (You had to be there.)  All set to music.  We had an audience of over 100 kids.  It was crazy stressful getting ready for it and I truly didn't think it was going to work.  I can't count the number of hours the students who were in charge put into it.  But, it was absolutely incredible.  There's nothing like the rush you get when 100 third and fourth graders are screaming with excitement!  They had a great time, we had a great time and hopefully someone out there learned something! 

This is the third year we've done the show.  But, it's the first time we took it directly to the elementary school.  We'll do a longer version tomorrow for the greater community and then again next week in a town about 1 1/2 hours away.  I'm still stressed about it, but seeing how much the little kids enjoyed it just absolutely made my week.

I'm not sure what I'm more excited about -- the IUI tomorrow morning or the next show tomorrow afternoon? ☺ 

Pictures from rehearsals for our first show three years ago:

The Element Song

Don't you wish you could be in a big bubble?

Dry ice is fun.

Rainbow Connection

CD13 u/s report

Lining up to 8.8 mm (from 5ish on CD11)!  Woohoo!  Go estrogen patches!  Two dominant follies -- 23 mm on the right and 18 mm on the left.  I was hoping some of the others would have caught up, but two is good.  We're on for IUI #4 Saturday morning. 

I saw the sweetest thing today.  Driving down to the RE's office I passed through a town (about 5,500 people) whose girls high school basketball team was in the state final four today.  Every business on the highway through town had a sign supporting them.  There were balloons everywhere.  It was so incredibly touching that I couldn't stop smiling and eventually was absolutely bawling my eyes out.  I could just imagine how loved these girls must have felt when they left for the game this morning.  (They lost, unfortunately, but I know they'll have lots of supporters when they get home.)

UGH

You know what can make your day suck more than hormones?  When you find out that the 19-year-old who keeps skipping class and who you've decided is lazy and unmotivated is tired for a reason.

You guessed it!

She's pregnant! 

And, since this class has a lab associated with it, she (rightfully so) had to tell me really early on so we make sure she isn't exposed to anything bad for her baby (it's killing me to write "her baby").  So, of course, I have to hear it while she still is in the "OMG what have I done?" phase. 

I had to listen to her cry in my office about being pregnant. 

You've GOT to be kidding me.

I'm sorry, the only person who gets to cry in my office about pregnancies is me.

I told her congratulations.  I'm pretty sure that's not what she wanted to hear.  I don't give a crap. 

Follie check -- we're not quite there

CD11 check -- follies are doing OK but aren't ready, yet.  Two dominant on each side -- 11.3, 13.5 on the left, 12.5 and 14.7 on the right.  Crazy how different a cycle can be on the same protocol -- this time last cycle I had 22 and 24 mm follies ready to pop with a great lining (around 9 mm, I think).  This time, not so much -- follies still growing but only a 5 mm lining as of now.  Ick.  My RE called a few hours after the scan and ordered estrogen to try to build it up since I've had lining issues before.  I have to go back on Thursday for another u/s to check the lining.  I'm feeling good about the follies, though -- hopefully by the time we trigger (Thursday if the lining is OK) we'll have at least three nice ones.  The IUI is scheduled for Saturday assuming all goes well.

I'm disappointed in the lining, but I'm actually good with the more slowly developing follies.  I've been so stressed all week because an IUI Thursday or Friday would have been really bad timing work-wise.  I wasn't sure how we were going to do it.  When I called to give my DH the report I asked "what's the best day for an IUI?"  And he yelled "Saturday!!"

I told the nurse it was because my DH was telling my ovaries to slow down.  (He was.  It was funny.)

I'm currently wearing 4 estrogen patches.  Can't wait to see what this new dose of hormones does to me!!! 

Ladies and gentlemen, lock your doors -- crazy rebecca is coming!!

CD9 is a crazy time

I've discovered an interesting thing about my cycles -- CD9 is its own special hell.

This morning I lay in bed obsessing about the time change (why not) and freaking out about deadlines coming up at work in the next two weeks.   

Do I start teaching that new class this Friday or next?  OMG it's not tomorrow is it?!  Oh, G-d, I've got to get someone to observe my class for my portfolio.  Crap, when is that due???  Damn it, why won't anyone fill out the stupid textbook review sheets!  We've got to make a decision soon.  Wait, are the students really ready for the show this weekend?  It's going to be a disaster.  Maybe they're doing more than I think they are.  Of course they're not! 

Then I vacillated between wishing we could do IVF right now and being absolutely positive that if it comes down to IVF I didn't want to do it.  I finally got out of bed only to spend hours trolling the IF-web and reading yet another infertility book (because you can never read too many).  Then I started freaking out that my RE isn't being aggressive enough and I should leave her.  


Maybe I should quit my job and move to a bigger city?  But, then how would we pay for IVF?  But how will we do IVF if I have to work and drive 1 1/2 hours each way to an RE every day?  But, wait a minute, we're in the middle of an IUI cycle -- I shouldn't abandon hope, yet.  But, if we want to start IVF in May or June then we need to meet with the RE soon to discuss it.  But, how am I going to do IVF while I'm teaching this summer?  I should quit my job.  But, then, how would we afford IVF?  But, I don't want to do IVF.  But, I want to do IVF this cycle.

You get the picture.


I've spent all day feeling anxious and stressed.  I've felt like I have something to say and don't know what it is.  I've opened the "New Post" tab five times.  The blank screen keeps staring back at me.  So, I started lining up FF and my blog for the past two months.  Guess what day I started blogging?  That's right, CD9 -- although I didn't officially put up the first post until the next day after finally convincing myself that it was OK to be a blogger.  The next CD9?  The day I started obsessing about the differences between TTC and IF. The most intense, introspective moments in my (albeit short) bloggy life. 

What is it about CD9?  I guess it's all hormonal.  After 5 days under medicated wraps (with one drug or another) and a couple of days to build back up, estrogen is doing its thing again.  I'm no longer the raging b*tch I was while on the meds.  No, now I'm introspective, anxious, tense, sad, jealous and anxious some more.  I guess my mind finally decides, "let's take that craziness and turn it into something deep!!"

I'm tempted to go through all my posts on TTCYFC and TTCYFC6+ to see what else my CD9's have looked like.

OK, so I probably won't do that.

Well, it depends on how many hours I lie in bed tonight obsessing.

Crap, I'm going to be exhausted at school tomorrow with the time change.  Man, a latte would be really good tomorrow morning.  No, I'm not supposed to have that much caffeine.  Ah, who the hell cares, it won't make a difference.  But, what if it does??

Wait, am I absolutely certain I don't start that new class tomorrow????? 

We're back -- and I'm a b*tch

Phew, a day less internet withdrawal than I thought.  ;) One of the families we were going to visit all came down with the flu so we came back early.  While I'm sad because we've been trying to see them for a year and a half (as long as we've been trying to get pregnant...) I'm glad because we cut out about 12 hours of driving and I get to sleep in my own bed!!

As to the b*tchy part.  I'm going to blame Femara.  I totally snapped at my DH on the phone today over the stupidest thing.  I even used the F-word!  That NEVER happens!!  Well, I'm all for cursing like a drunken sailor while driving or at the TV or at my computer.  But, I generally use quite nice and sweet language when it comes to actual people.  (I was raised by a genteel southern lady.)  Then I spent most of the rest of the day cursing around the house and feeling like a total b*tch. Cursing our house, cursing my DH, cursing our jobs, cursing my friends, cursing my family.  Blech

Yep, I'm blaming Femara.  Much more subtle nasty moods than Clomid, but definitely still makes me feel really like a real b*tch sometimes. 

Oh, I just wish this was over.  All I could think today was how much I wish I was beyond IF.  Whatever our final outcome is, I just want to be at a point in my life where IF wasn't the only thing I think about every day.  I want to be at a place where I actually can enjoy other things and focus on work.  Where I'm not afraid that, at any moment, I might go into a hormone induced rage.  I don't know if that time will come because I get pregnant or we reach a point that we give up, but I just want to be in a place where I think about other things. 

Spring Break -- woohoo!

("Woohoo" seems to be my word of the week...)

We're heading out of town for a few days to visit friends/family for Spring Break.  It will be really nice to get away for a little bit -- back Friday, I think. We'll see the nephews this afternoon.  (Because I always seem to get to visit my nephews in the middle of AF and fertility meds.) 

Of course, I might go into withdrawal with no web access for a while!  Eek!!  No blogging!!  I won't be able to check in on how you all are doing!! 

Oh, dear, I think I've become addicted to this really quickly... 

Did anyone see the House episode last night about the blogger?  There was definitely part of me that could sympathize with her a little more than I would have imagined I could about three months ago.

Oh, the other big excitement of my week -- we finally got high speed internet at home.  We only live about 3 blocks from school and spend lots of late night/weekend hours there working -- so we usually just used it at school.  Until about a month ago, the school had free dial-up access that I used when I was at home.  There didn't seem to be much point in buying faster access since we didn't use the internet much at home.  But, they finally got rid of the dial-up system so we bit the bullet.  Actually, we got a great deal that gave us phone/internet/cable for quite a bit less than we were paying for just cable and phone before.  Woohoo for joining the 21st century!  LOL.

Hope everyone has a great couple of days! 

Three cycles in a row -- that's just nuts

No cysts -- go Femara -- so we're getting going again.  Femara 5 mg CD3-7.  Next u/s schedule on Tuesday the 16th.  If all goes as planned we'll do IUI #4 shortly after that. 

I wish I felt even vaguely excited about this.  There was a time when I was SO excited to get to do an IUI (basically all the months that they kept being canceled).  By now I really feel like we're only doing them because it's better than doing nothing.  The percentages are just so low. I know it's better than on our own, but from what I've managed to gather, given my age and FSH levels we're looking at a 10% or so chance each time around.  Yeah, that's better than nothing and it's better than on our own, but it really feels pointless.  I know there's always a chance.  The statistics are there -- someone actually does get pregnant this way sometimes.  But, I just feel like it's never going to work.

If this cycle doesn't work we'll have a "where do we go from here" talk with the RE.  More than likely we'd be headed to IVF this summer.  I wish I thought that wasn't a certainty.  We may talk about injects, but I feel like we'll probably skip it.  I don't like the lack of control on numbers with injects and it's ridiculously expensive.  If we're going to put our money into something, I want something with a higher success rate.  Besides, summer is the only time I think I could actually do it.  I'm teaching this summer, but only three days a week in the mornings.  So, there is a vague possibility of finding the time to travel 3 hours every other day or every day to and from the doctor's office.  Any other time, I think I'd have to take a leave of absence.

It was a kind of sucky weekend.  I spent most of it on one sofa or another.  Crying half the time or close to it. 

Anyway, this wasn't actually meant to be a depressed, "woe is me" kind of post. 

So...ahem...let's start over again...


Woohoo!  No cysts!!  Let's get going on that next IUI cycle!!  This could be the one!

Woohoo - it's spring break!

Thanks to everyone for your comments yesterday.  Y'all are great and I'm so glad you're here.  And, I definitely took the drinking advice last night!  One beer, some fries and some chocolate and then promptly zonked out on the sofa. 

The highlight of my night last night -- I was carded at the bar!  LOL.  We go there for Happy Hour with some friends every Friday after work.  I usually don't order a drink, but definitely did last night.  Anyway, it was too funny.  Made my day.  Admittedly, I look younger than I am (and was regularly carded and looked at doubtfully even after they saw my ID until about 4 years ago).  But, seriously, I really doubt I look close to 21!  In the last two or three years I feel like I've aged dramatically.  I think my DH thought it was hilarious. He talked about robbing the cradle. 

I decided to call today officially CD1 instead of yesterday.  Let's just say things are moving along more today than they were.  (Sorry, TMI.) 

Surprise breakfast with my FIL this morning who kept talking about my two nephews under two and then showing us videos of my nephews and then talking about his stepdaughter's kid who's about to turn one and then talking about the nephews some more.  And, then, oh, did I mention the nephews?  On a normal day this wouldn't be so bad, just not today.  And, really, he's a wonderful man, an incredible grandpa and has no way to know how this hurts so much on this particular day.  And, I love my nephews and want to spend time with them.  But, CD1 (with an AF induced migraine) is really a sucky day to hear all about your nephews.


Woohoo!  It's spring break!  I'm gonna party like it's 1999! 

18 cycles down, how many more to go?

And, we're out.

After torturing me with a really low temp this morning and nasty cramps all day, AF finally made her presence officially known right on time.  Yippee. 

Starting over again.  Baseline u/s on Monday morning.  I'm assuming the plan is to continue what we've been doing -- Femara + IUI#4.

I could go on about how depressed I am and how much this sucks.  But, you all know that already and right now I'm just tired.

On to cycle 19...

Four weeks later...

You know the best way to make sure that you maximize your stress levels as much as possible?  Schedule all of the most stressful parts of your job to coincide directly with the times that AF shows up.  I suddenly realized this morning that I've managed to schedule an exam either the day AF is due, two days before AF is due or two days after AF is due this entire school year. 

So, this explains why I have been so unmotivated to write exams lately -- every time one rolls around I'm feeling hormonal and depressed waiting for AF to show.  And, it explains why I get so anxious over them and over grading them -- AF is here every single time.  And, why I seem to want to pummel my students right before every exam!  Add to that the fact that I'm usually on meds by the time I'm grading them.  No wonder this year has just sucked.


I realized all of this when I was copying my exam this morning, with cramps, thinking about AF likely showing up tomorrow, and remembering that I was doing the same thing four weeks ago. 

New way to overcome IF:  stop giving exams.  AF will never show!!!  I may be onto something here.

Well, she's not THAT bad

So, after reading my last post you might think that my MIL is an absolutely horrible person.  She's really not  bad.  Yes, my SIL does seem to play interference for us with her a lot.  Yes, she does keep sending us baby things -- but she's slowed down since she found out we were having problems.  Yes, she did push the baby stuff from my SIL on my DH -- but I definitely read more into it because it was so stressful to me.  She's not entirely insensitive.  And, yes, she really did say that to my DH (about waiting until you're 40) -- but....OK, I've got nothing for that one. 

As to having her store things for us -- it would be great except my SIL lives one state away from us and my MIL lives three states away.  And, apparently my MIL is trying to downsize (which is why she keeps sending us baby stuff she's been buying in anticipation of her children procreating for about 10-15 years now).  Not sure what we're going to do about the stuff.  I think my DH realized how upset it made me to think about it. He's a very practical guy, so I know he would like to take it.  He assumes we will eventually get pregnant.  He basically says "we keep trying until it happens" and doesn't stress about this at all.  All I can do every day is focus on how long this is taking, how I feel like it will never happen, how everyone I know is passing me by, etc., etc.  He generally just asks a few times "so, when will we know if it worked?"  And, when it doesn't, he hugs me and says "so, what is the likely schedule for next cycle?"  He's incredibly supportive of how I'm feeling, is there whenever I need to cry and need a hug and seems to be willing to do whatever we need to do to get pregnant, but I feel like he's just along for the ride.  I'm sure that's true of a lot of men.  And, actually, I know some men are not supportive about IF at all.  I know that I'm really lucky.

It's a good thing that he is so level headed, calm and positive about this.  It helps me hold onto hope.  It is frustrating sometimes, though, because I really feel like if I said tomorrow "well, I don't want to deal with this anymore, let's stop" he'd just say "ok."  That's just who he is, but I'd like to know that he's emotionally invested in the idea of us being parents.  He's just not an emotional person.  And, by that I mean, he appears to be a robot and have no emotions.  OK, so that's probably not true, really.  But, seriously, I've never met anyone who reacts so analytically to everything.  This is good -- it balances out my crazy, overly-emotional response to, well, everything.  Sometimes, though, I'd like to see an inkling of "feelings."  I know he loves me and I know he'll be a great dad and love our children.  The one time we thought there was a possibility I might be pregnant, he did actually seem excited.  I was happy just to see that!  But, it's all part of who he is and I love him.

As for the 1ww -- it's not looking good.  I'm 11 DPIUI, my temp is heading down and I'm feeling hormonal (see previous post for evidence...).  AF is due Friday or Saturday.  The earliest I'd test is Sunday.  Still holding onto some hope for Spider-Embie, but it's kind of dwindling.

"You have to see the baaabyyy"

Yesterday was just one of those days.

My DH forwarded me an e-mail from some friends who we really like but somehow never manage to see.  Actually, that's not really true, we got together with them regularly...until they got pregnant.  They had the baby in November, but I don't think I've talked to them since August.  I just can't do it.  I found out they were pregnant, in person, on the first day of a new cycle.  I then got to see their u/s pictures a few months later on - you guessed it - the first day of a new cycle.  I was trying desperately to stay smiley and happy, but I don't think I did a great job.  I think I came across as rather fake.  I don't know how long they tried.  I don't know what they went through.  But, it doesn't matter.  I can't seem to be happy for them.  I really wish I could because I like them a lot.

"You and Rebecca should stop by sometime and meet the baby."

I literally started panicking.  The thought of meeting their son makes me hyperventilate.  I skipped a concert the husband was giving last night because I just can't stand the thought of seeing them or their baby.  I gave the excuse that I would cough during it (and I probably would have).  My DH doesn't get it.  To him, these are people we like.  Before IF, we even talked about how we'd probably have kids at the same time.  I think that's the real problem.  They are yet another couple leaving us behind (and they're younger than we are which isn't helping).

"Do we want kid stuff?"

Huh?  Apparently DH's mother called to tell him that his sister is running out of room for the baby stuff from her two sons and she asked him if we wanted it before she takes it to a consignment shop.  All I could say was "could you at least give me until the weekend to see if I'm pregnant or not?"  I'm feeling so discouraged right now and you want me to haul in a bunch of baby crap and store it?  We don't have storage space, so let's just stick it in the dining room where everything else ends up and let it sit there and mock me every day.  We started TTC when our first nephew was 6 months old.  He turns 2 in two weeks and his little brother is now 6 months.  That has been hard enough.  I always assumed that we would inherit their hand-me-downs.  Are you telling me that my time is up?  This is how long I had to get pregnant?  If I don't take all their baby things now and store them then we don't get them?  I understand that they can't store them forever; I just thought we'd be ready for them before they were ready to get rid of it all.

MIL:  "Why are you going to take that to consignment?  Give it to your brother and Rebecca!" 
SIL:  "Mom, they won't want it."
MIL:  "Oh, sure they will, I send them baby things all the time.  I know how much they appreciate it."
She really does this.  Somebody shoot me.
SIL:  "Mom, I know what they're going through, they won't want it and they don't want the baby things you keep sending them."
MIL:  "Oh, you're being silly.  It's a waste of money.  I'm going to call them and tell them they can have it...Oh, hi son, I'm here at your sister's and she's going to give away all this perfectly good baby stuff!!"

The last time I saw the friends who have the baby?  The day my MIL showed up with a moving truck full of baby things for us that she'd been buying over the years.  She cooed and ooh'd and aah'd over our friend's pregnant belly and, when we complained about all the baby stuff she said to my DH "This is what happens when you wait until you're 40 to have kids!"

Just one of those days.  Feeling anxious.  Feeling hormonal.  Feeling incredibly discouraged.  Mocking myself for ever feeling positive about this cycle.

It's the 1WW.  How else are you going to feel?

Rebecca-ology

Saw this on Leslie and someday-soon's sites and thought I'd like to play, too! :) 

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followedy by "ology."

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? balsamic vinaigrette
What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? pretty much any Thai restaurant
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Burger King -- BK Veggie rules! :)
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? My grandmother's Sephardic food
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms and black olives
How many televisions are in your house? Two
What color cell phone do you have? White/Blue

BIOLOGY:
Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Teeth, tonsils
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Sort of
Have you ever fainted? Yes

BULLCRAPOLOGY:
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No way
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Um...no comment...
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 1
Last person you talked to? My DH

FAVORITOLOGY:
Season? Fall
Holiday? Passover
Day of the week? Sundays
Month? May
Color? Blue
Drink? Coffee
Alcoholic? Wine, gin & tonic

CURRENTOLOGY:
Missing someone? My friend in California
What are you listening to? The sound of silence?
What are you watching? The Olympics
Worrying about? Work, IF, paying bills, pretty much everything
What's the last movie you saw? You've Got Mail
Do you smile often? Yes -- pretty much constantly
If you could change your eye color what would it be? Blue
What's on your wish list for your birthday? Well, the obvious is a baby...
Can you do a chin-up? I have the worst upper body strength, so no
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Nervous
Have you been in a car wreck? Yes
Have you caused a car wreck? Yes
Do you have an accent? No -- no one believes I'm from the south
Last time you cried? During You've Got Mail yesterday afternoon...
Plans tonight? Hanging out at home, getting ready for classes for the week
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Definitely
Name three things you bought yesterday? toothpaste, pencil sharpener, makeup sponges
Have you met someone who changed your life? Yes.
For the better or worse? One of each, I think.
How did you bring in the New Year? My parents were visiting and we counted down the east coast new year (though we're in the central time zone) because we were too tired to wait until midnight our time.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? No
What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever happens to be in my head -- and there's always a song in my head...
Have you held hands with someone today? Yes
Who was the last person you took a picture of? My DH
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old
Do you like pulpy orange juice? Yes, please!
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Couple of months ago?
What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Sleeping
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Taking my temperature