Hope everyone had happy holidays, whatever kind you celebrate or don't celebrate. This time of year can be filled with contradictions of happiness and sadness and I hope the happy outweighed the sad.
What do you know, I'm officially in the second trimester, by whatever measurement you use! I'm 14w2d today. Which is crazy. I am amazed and SO beyond thrilled to be here. I know when I've seen other IFers reach this point I've commented "WOW, how did that happen so quickly" but seriously it feels like it's taken for flippin' ever to get here. I can't even remember actually going through IVF it seems so long ago.
I'm doing pretty well. My ovaries finally seem to be calming down. They were only 8 cm at my scan last week! And, I'm having fewer times each day when I feel like I just have to lie down before the pressure from my uterus on my ovaries has me bending over in pain. I count that as a win! My nausea had gone away but seems to be coming back. I start feeling sick around 3 pm and can't make it go away until I go to bed at night. I'm not complaining, it's just odd that it went away but came back again!
I'm eating pretty much all the time. That's a whole other post, but I'm supposed to gain 20 pounds by 20 weeks with the twins (because I'm aiming at 35 to 45 pounds overall and it is apparently best to gain early with multiples both in case they come early and because it will get harder to eat a lot later on). I'm not entirely sure how much I've gained right now (because I had a big gain at the beginning with the OHSS), but I think I still need to gain 10-12 pounds in the next six weeks to hit the goal the doctor set. Trying to do this in an at least somewhat healthy manner is easier said than done! It'd be easy to eat 2700 calories a day if I could just eat cookies and french fries all day... Luckily the doctors aren't concerned about my vegetarianism with all of this and I've been good about getting enough protein and the right kind of protein. My DH has been great about finding me food and reminding me to eat before I start to get starving. The hunger just sets in so suddenly if I miss a large snack. (Yes, you may all whack me over the head about this as it is ridiculous to be frustrated at having to eat TOO much.)
Speaking of food -- have you tried Noosa yogurt? Nectar of the gods, I'm telling you. Expensive and full of fat. But outstanding. I'm loving it and loving having the excuse to eat it.
My parents' visit was great. My mother took me maternity clothes shopping on Tuesday. It's funny because I've been so conscientious about hiding the bump that I hadn't realized just how pregnant I look when I put on something form fitting. It's kind of crazy. My mother was overwhelmed and having a ball. Every time I put the "fake belly" on to see how something would fit later on she'd just go "OH!!!!!!" She bought the babies their first gift -- a stuffed bear. It was really a great bonding experience. We talked a lot about IVF and infertility and she told me about some of what she'd been fielding over the past three years from all of our relatives, etc. Very grateful to have her deal with the "well, maybe they're just trying too hard" and "if they just stop working so hard it will work" so that I didn't have to.
We also went to see The Muppets! LOVE LOVE LOVE. Couldn't stop crying from nostalgic happiness.
We also baked some of my favorite Sephardic goodies which made me really happy. We talked about my grandmother because we could both picture making everything with her and it was nice. And, now I've got some yummy snacks. They're heading out today which is a good thing because I really need to get back to work. (Um, you know, after I finish blogging.)
As for the telling. We've told family and my mother has told extended family. The best responses so far:
My father-in-law: My DH handed him a card with the twins' ultrasounds that said "congratulations, your grandparenting duties are about to double!" He looked at it for a second but kept talking to my BIL. Then glanced at it again, then kept talking. The rest of us are all staring at him waiting for a response. Finally, someone said, "read the card." He read it and looked at me with a gleam in his eye and said "Twins?" Later he told me, "well, the twins could be from [wave of hand referring to fertility treatments] this, or it could be because I have brothers who are twins and cousins who are twins." Um, yeah, it could be or it could be because they transferred two embryos directly into my uterus. You know, whichever.
My stepmother-in-law: My FIL handed her the card and said "B, look at this." She read it. Looked at my SIL and screamed "R!!!! Twins?!! Really?" And then ran over to hug her. Um. My SIL started backing away and said "NO!!" Yeah. Then, finally B figures it out and comes over to me and gives me a huge hug.
The entire extended family on my mother's side: My mother says "Rebecca's pregnant. With twins!" They say "No, you're joking." See, after my cousin had triplets, they all seem to think that my mother is just kidding that I'm having twins to try to equal them. Of course, then we'd have said we were having quads... That would have been "funny."
But, the number one response has to be my cousin. The one whose brother just had triplets by IUI after 3 years of IF and two losses. (The babies are doing great, by the way. Still tiny but all looks good.) My mother had just finished telling her all about the pregnancy and IVF and what we'd been through to get here. She showed her the day 5 blastocyst pictures and all the ultrasounds and my cousin ooh'd and aah'd over it all and was incredibly excited. Then, they went into the kitchen together and my cousin says "See, all they had to do was let go and let G-d." My mother couldn't even respond she was so shocked.
Uh. Really? Let go and let G-d? Or, you know, "pay lots of money, take lots of drugs, have a surgery or two, have eggs forcibly removed from your body, have sperm directly injected into your eggs, have embryos carefully selected and transferred back, have another one put into suspended animation, wait, stress, take more drugs, bleed, worry, bend over in pain..."
More like "Let go and let science."
I think there's a market for a maternity shirt in that.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Ain't we lucky we've got 'em -- GOOD TIMES
I don't know why, but that's been stuck in my head all afternoon.
(It's fighting off the Christmas music.)
Things are good here. I feel so incredibly lucky and thankful to be where I am. And, very thankful to have all of your support here. It's amazing.
Anyway, all the good. The semester is over! Woohoo!! I turned in my grades last night. Graduation was this past Saturday and I said goodbye to a student I've grown very close to as he's worked for the past 5 1/2 years to finish. He's had some struggles but he did it. He's the senior research student in my lab so I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen now that he's gone (and I'm going to be a little preoccupied). But, I'm so proud to see him go. Between nostalgia and hormones, I couldn't stop crying at graduation. It always gets to me, watching all those proud parents. But, this time was ridiculous.
My parents are coming to town next week! I'm very excited to have them here. A little freaked out because I've got very limited time to get a brand new class ready for next semester. But, it will be great to have them. My mother is so over the moon excited about my pregnancy that she almost cries on the phone every time we talk. We're going to have a great time hanging out and baking. I've been craving all of the Sephardic baked goods my grandmother used to make that my mother now makes. Yum.
Speaking of my parents, tomorrow is their anniversary. Thirty years. (It's my mother and stepfather for those who don't know.) I can't believe it's been so long. That's an impressive second marriage. It's such a wonderful thing.
Most important good times -- we had our NT scan today. And, it went really well. Heartbeats were excellent (I was holding my breath waiting as always). Baby B gave us the measurements we needed easily -- measuring exactly on schedule (12w6d) with a great NT measurement and an obvious nasal bone. Baby A is impressively stubborn. The sonographer had me on one side, then the other. Then drinking some water and waiting around 5 minutes. Then coughing. Baby A just didn't want us to get the NT measurement! But, finally, the incredibly patient sonographer got what she needed -- measuring 13w3d with a great NT measurement and, again, an obvious nasal bone. Our overall chromosomal disorder risk went from 1 in 83 (expected for my age) down to about 1 in 166. Our downs risk went down to 1 in about 500 (I missed the exact value). (For each baby.)
We're opting not to do the blood work because the combined risk of false positive with twins, my age and, according to the MFM, egg retrieval is about 20%. Our numbers are good enough that we're going to trust it. The twins thing complicates what we'd do if there was an issue with either baby and we're not ready to risk CVS or amnio right now. So, we're going to attempt to trust the statistics.
We're starting to officially spill the beans bit by bit. I'm going to tell my department chair tomorrow. I'll ask him to keep it to himself until the Spring semester (we'll see if that works) but I owe it to him to let him know that there is a potential for complications next semester. His boss already knows and staffing isn't an issue since we're already looking for a replacement for me for the fall for my sabbatical (assuming that still happens -- budget issues are making it questionable -- but at least I'll definitely have the fall.) My DH is planning on telling his parents on Friday. That's the day I'll let my mother and stepfather tell the rest of my family as well.
We don't plan on telling anyone else at work until we're back to school in January. My DH is going to tell one friend in town tonight, though. It's a complicated situation because we suspect this couple may have been trying for a year or so and we're trying to be careful how to let them know what's going on and give them a chance to process it. My DH is going to tell the husband (they're the closest friends between the four of us) and let him tell his wife. We really don't know what's happening with them and they don't know what's happening with us TTC or IF-wise. Why do we all hide these things from each other? If nothing else, I hope it will open a dialogue. I hate to think that they've been struggling, too, silently and how this pregnancy might affect them. I was so worried a year ago that they would soon be making an announcement and now I'm afraid in the other direction.
This "telling" thing freaks me out. I wish we could just go on hiding it. I don't think I'm ready to deal with "outsiders'" reactions, yet. But, at the same time, I want to embrace my bump and scream about it from the rooftops. It's all a bit contradictory.
Anyway, as I said, good times. When I called my mother today she said I just sounded happy. I don't remember the last time someone said that to me. I think it's been years. We're amazingly lucky.
(It's fighting off the Christmas music.)
Things are good here. I feel so incredibly lucky and thankful to be where I am. And, very thankful to have all of your support here. It's amazing.
Anyway, all the good. The semester is over! Woohoo!! I turned in my grades last night. Graduation was this past Saturday and I said goodbye to a student I've grown very close to as he's worked for the past 5 1/2 years to finish. He's had some struggles but he did it. He's the senior research student in my lab so I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen now that he's gone (and I'm going to be a little preoccupied). But, I'm so proud to see him go. Between nostalgia and hormones, I couldn't stop crying at graduation. It always gets to me, watching all those proud parents. But, this time was ridiculous.
My parents are coming to town next week! I'm very excited to have them here. A little freaked out because I've got very limited time to get a brand new class ready for next semester. But, it will be great to have them. My mother is so over the moon excited about my pregnancy that she almost cries on the phone every time we talk. We're going to have a great time hanging out and baking. I've been craving all of the Sephardic baked goods my grandmother used to make that my mother now makes. Yum.
Speaking of my parents, tomorrow is their anniversary. Thirty years. (It's my mother and stepfather for those who don't know.) I can't believe it's been so long. That's an impressive second marriage. It's such a wonderful thing.
Most important good times -- we had our NT scan today. And, it went really well. Heartbeats were excellent (I was holding my breath waiting as always). Baby B gave us the measurements we needed easily -- measuring exactly on schedule (12w6d) with a great NT measurement and an obvious nasal bone. Baby A is impressively stubborn. The sonographer had me on one side, then the other. Then drinking some water and waiting around 5 minutes. Then coughing. Baby A just didn't want us to get the NT measurement! But, finally, the incredibly patient sonographer got what she needed -- measuring 13w3d with a great NT measurement and, again, an obvious nasal bone. Our overall chromosomal disorder risk went from 1 in 83 (expected for my age) down to about 1 in 166. Our downs risk went down to 1 in about 500 (I missed the exact value). (For each baby.)
We're opting not to do the blood work because the combined risk of false positive with twins, my age and, according to the MFM, egg retrieval is about 20%. Our numbers are good enough that we're going to trust it. The twins thing complicates what we'd do if there was an issue with either baby and we're not ready to risk CVS or amnio right now. So, we're going to attempt to trust the statistics.
We're starting to officially spill the beans bit by bit. I'm going to tell my department chair tomorrow. I'll ask him to keep it to himself until the Spring semester (we'll see if that works) but I owe it to him to let him know that there is a potential for complications next semester. His boss already knows and staffing isn't an issue since we're already looking for a replacement for me for the fall for my sabbatical (assuming that still happens -- budget issues are making it questionable -- but at least I'll definitely have the fall.) My DH is planning on telling his parents on Friday. That's the day I'll let my mother and stepfather tell the rest of my family as well.
We don't plan on telling anyone else at work until we're back to school in January. My DH is going to tell one friend in town tonight, though. It's a complicated situation because we suspect this couple may have been trying for a year or so and we're trying to be careful how to let them know what's going on and give them a chance to process it. My DH is going to tell the husband (they're the closest friends between the four of us) and let him tell his wife. We really don't know what's happening with them and they don't know what's happening with us TTC or IF-wise. Why do we all hide these things from each other? If nothing else, I hope it will open a dialogue. I hate to think that they've been struggling, too, silently and how this pregnancy might affect them. I was so worried a year ago that they would soon be making an announcement and now I'm afraid in the other direction.
This "telling" thing freaks me out. I wish we could just go on hiding it. I don't think I'm ready to deal with "outsiders'" reactions, yet. But, at the same time, I want to embrace my bump and scream about it from the rooftops. It's all a bit contradictory.
Anyway, as I said, good times. When I called my mother today she said I just sounded happy. I don't remember the last time someone said that to me. I think it's been years. We're amazingly lucky.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Milestone
Hi all!
Today I am 11w6d.
(Unless you go by the weird math the MFM did last week which has me at 11w3d and makes no sense at all given that we know exactly the day these babies were conceived.)
Anyway...
The point is that today I am 11w6d.
And, that's huge. Because, as of right now, I am more pregnant than I've ever been.
Yeah, I know that the last time the baby probably stopped growing around 7 1/2 to 8 weeks. And, we passed that milestone a while ago and saw healthy babies. But, last time, until 11w3d, I thought I was still carrying a living fetus.
And, 11w6d was the last time we saw the baby on ultrasound before I lost it. And 11w6d is the day my body decided to give up and I had a very painful and scary miscarriage on my own the day before I was supposed to have a D&C.
My DH doesn't understand. He keeps saying "we already passed that milestone a while ago." But, as of tomorrow I'll be able to say "I'm 12 weeks pregnant." And, that's a big deal for me.
Today we had a first appointment with a local OB to make sure someone nearby knows my history and knows us just in case we end up delivering here. And, as one of the best perks of having twins, we got another glimpse.
So, now at 11w6d instead of remembering a picture with no heartbeat and a baby measuring 7w4d, I get to say that my two babies have heartbeats of 168 and 170 and are measuring 12w0d and 12w3d.
That's so much better.
Today I am 11w6d.
(Unless you go by the weird math the MFM did last week which has me at 11w3d and makes no sense at all given that we know exactly the day these babies were conceived.)
Anyway...
The point is that today I am 11w6d.
And, that's huge. Because, as of right now, I am more pregnant than I've ever been.
Yeah, I know that the last time the baby probably stopped growing around 7 1/2 to 8 weeks. And, we passed that milestone a while ago and saw healthy babies. But, last time, until 11w3d, I thought I was still carrying a living fetus.
And, 11w6d was the last time we saw the baby on ultrasound before I lost it. And 11w6d is the day my body decided to give up and I had a very painful and scary miscarriage on my own the day before I was supposed to have a D&C.
My DH doesn't understand. He keeps saying "we already passed that milestone a while ago." But, as of tomorrow I'll be able to say "I'm 12 weeks pregnant." And, that's a big deal for me.
Today we had a first appointment with a local OB to make sure someone nearby knows my history and knows us just in case we end up delivering here. And, as one of the best perks of having twins, we got another glimpse.
So, now at 11w6d instead of remembering a picture with no heartbeat and a baby measuring 7w4d, I get to say that my two babies have heartbeats of 168 and 170 and are measuring 12w0d and 12w3d.
That's so much better.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Quick update
Hi everyone! Just a quick update as I need to finish editing an exam but I wanted to get this all down. Our first meeting with the MFM was AWESOME. We got to see some incredible high res images of the ticks. They were tumbling all around. Kicking and punching and rolling over. Amazing how much bigger and even more active in only one week! Baby A had the hiccups! We heard their heartbeats (this is the first time we've gotten to actually hear it and not just see it). They both waved at us and we got to see little fingers and adorable alien baby heads. Just incredible.
Unfortunately, they were a little too small, still, to do the NT scan, so we have to go back at the end of next week. But, hey, that means more fun ultrasound images!!
We really liked the MFM and I think we've decided that we're just going to bite the bullet and go to him exclusively -- even with the driving. It'll be a bit crazy when it comes to weekly appointments (and I'm huge) but, we'll figure it out. I've been driving down there once or twice a week for two years now, what's 6 months more?? Between twins, my age, the early bleeding, the fibroid surgery and IVF, there's enough going on to consider me high risk. And, it seems like the hospital up here can likely only confidently handle babies born after 34 or 36 weeks -- which is really average for twins. So, there's a pretty good chance we'll be delivering down there, anyway.
He did have a doctor up here that he said he thought was pretty good (and she's been recommended to us before). We may think about meeting with her just so we'll have a local back-up. But, I absolutely loved the MFM's office and all of his staff. Very peaceful place. And, they know Dr. Smiles well and really seem to understand everything we've been through leading up to this. I mean, I know they say "you may have been infertile, but now you're just a normal pregnant lady," but it's kind of nice to have someone who seems to realize that we really don't feel that way.
He also seemed to respect the knowledge we have and respect the fact that we are two scientists and we can understand risks, etc. He was happy when we brought things up and we could discuss them without him feeling like he had to explain it all. And, he was just a very calm, patient person. He reminded me of my mother's cousin who was my dentist growing up who just always made you feel peaceful and relaxed when you went to see him. My DH saw it, too.
I could use some peace at this point, you know?
Oh, and we celebrated by doing something crazy. Buying maternity pants. Just putting them on was such instant relief. I felt really, really weird doing it. Very much like an imposter. But, it's been getting really uncomfortable!
OK, so that wasn't so quick. I'd better get back to my exam. I know my students are all excited about it!
Thanks for all your congrats yesterday! I'm still in shock! :)
Unfortunately, they were a little too small, still, to do the NT scan, so we have to go back at the end of next week. But, hey, that means more fun ultrasound images!!
We really liked the MFM and I think we've decided that we're just going to bite the bullet and go to him exclusively -- even with the driving. It'll be a bit crazy when it comes to weekly appointments (and I'm huge) but, we'll figure it out. I've been driving down there once or twice a week for two years now, what's 6 months more?? Between twins, my age, the early bleeding, the fibroid surgery and IVF, there's enough going on to consider me high risk. And, it seems like the hospital up here can likely only confidently handle babies born after 34 or 36 weeks -- which is really average for twins. So, there's a pretty good chance we'll be delivering down there, anyway.
He did have a doctor up here that he said he thought was pretty good (and she's been recommended to us before). We may think about meeting with her just so we'll have a local back-up. But, I absolutely loved the MFM's office and all of his staff. Very peaceful place. And, they know Dr. Smiles well and really seem to understand everything we've been through leading up to this. I mean, I know they say "you may have been infertile, but now you're just a normal pregnant lady," but it's kind of nice to have someone who seems to realize that we really don't feel that way.
He also seemed to respect the knowledge we have and respect the fact that we are two scientists and we can understand risks, etc. He was happy when we brought things up and we could discuss them without him feeling like he had to explain it all. And, he was just a very calm, patient person. He reminded me of my mother's cousin who was my dentist growing up who just always made you feel peaceful and relaxed when you went to see him. My DH saw it, too.
I could use some peace at this point, you know?
Oh, and we celebrated by doing something crazy. Buying maternity pants. Just putting them on was such instant relief. I felt really, really weird doing it. Very much like an imposter. But, it's been getting really uncomfortable!
OK, so that wasn't so quick. I'd better get back to my exam. I know my students are all excited about it!
Thanks for all your congrats yesterday! I'm still in shock! :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
"And, Charlie, don't forget about what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he ever wanted...
"...He lived happily ever after." Roald Dahl
I may be the luckiest mom-to-be on the planet.
I found out this morning that the sabbatical application I put in for the 2012-13 academic year was approved. It's a competitive process on my campus with just a handful approved each year. This means that, after the twins are born in the summer (because it is GOING to happen), I will officially be on leave from teaching and service work (committees, department duties, student advising, student group advising) until August of 2013. You read that right. August of 2013. The twins will be about 14 months old give or take.
Could everything possibly come together all at the same time? I'm afraid to breathe for ruining it all.
I will still be doing research and I have lots of projects that I have to do -- things I officially have to do or they'll take back the partial salary they're giving me for the year. But, to step out of teaching and service work for a year? Priceless. I love teaching, but I'm really burnt out. And, to do it during the first year of my children's lives? I don't know how it's possible for it to be more perfect.
After tomorrow's scan goes well (because it will), my DH and I are going to meet with our Dean and figure out if I should change the first semester to maternity leave and then keep the second as an official sabbatical. That way I wouldn't feel like I was supposed to be getting something done during that first semester -- I'm not sure if the school will care which way we call it. I think it depends on my accumulated leave balance. We'll see what we work out. We'll probably then look at hiring an at-home nanny during the spring semester for several days a week so I can focus on work and get more done. But, I'd still be home!
I really am just afraid to believe it could all be true. The application was due the week before I started stims for this cycle. I couldn't have imagined both of them working out -- I could barely believe either one would have.
It's incredible. I feel overwhelmed and amazed.
(Yes, you are allowed to hate me. I understand. I would totally hate me.)
I may be the luckiest mom-to-be on the planet.
I found out this morning that the sabbatical application I put in for the 2012-13 academic year was approved. It's a competitive process on my campus with just a handful approved each year. This means that, after the twins are born in the summer (because it is GOING to happen), I will officially be on leave from teaching and service work (committees, department duties, student advising, student group advising) until August of 2013. You read that right. August of 2013. The twins will be about 14 months old give or take.
Could everything possibly come together all at the same time? I'm afraid to breathe for ruining it all.
I will still be doing research and I have lots of projects that I have to do -- things I officially have to do or they'll take back the partial salary they're giving me for the year. But, to step out of teaching and service work for a year? Priceless. I love teaching, but I'm really burnt out. And, to do it during the first year of my children's lives? I don't know how it's possible for it to be more perfect.
After tomorrow's scan goes well (because it will), my DH and I are going to meet with our Dean and figure out if I should change the first semester to maternity leave and then keep the second as an official sabbatical. That way I wouldn't feel like I was supposed to be getting something done during that first semester -- I'm not sure if the school will care which way we call it. I think it depends on my accumulated leave balance. We'll see what we work out. We'll probably then look at hiring an at-home nanny during the spring semester for several days a week so I can focus on work and get more done. But, I'd still be home!
I really am just afraid to believe it could all be true. The application was due the week before I started stims for this cycle. I couldn't have imagined both of them working out -- I could barely believe either one would have.
It's incredible. I feel overwhelmed and amazed.
(Yes, you are allowed to hate me. I understand. I would totally hate me.)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Some stuff -- much of it pregnancy related
- Just wanted to make clear that the Kardashians make me nuts, too. I've never seen their show (shows?) and for the life of me I can't understand what the fascination is with them. Actually, what I can't figure out is why they had a show in the first place.
- Speaking of which, my DH and I were talking about that the other day when some new reality show was advertised and we were trying to figure out how on earth they found yet another random family business in some random city to feature. We found a website, http://www.realitywanted.com/calls, where you can scroll through and find all the different reality shows that are casting in your area. In addition, some are vague and say things like "is your family business interesting?" So, I guess that's how you do it. Anyone up for a show about two college professors in a small midwestern town raising twins post-infertility?
- We have our first official OB appointment on Tuesday! I'll be 11 weeks and we're going to be seeing a maternal fetal medicine specialist initially. Our IVF nurse helped set it up. We're hoping to work with him to help us find a local OB (since he's across the street from my RE -- so still 90 miles from here) we can work with most of the time and then have him and his practice available if we turn out to be more "high risk" and/or have to deliver early. I keep going back and forth in my head about whether I should be considered high risk -- maybe medium risk -- so it will be nice to have someone officially tell us one way or the other. Regardless, I know that all sorts of issues are possible and we've already dealt with some of them. We'll be doing our NT scan then (how on earth is it already time for that??) as well. So, yay for some great detailed pictures of the ticks!
- My DH is chomping at the bit to tell people. Which is funny because he was the one who a few weeks ago said "maybe we'll wait until 20 weeks to tell my parents." I think watching them move on Tuesday made it more real for him. He's feeling nervous about the NT scan, but I think after that he feels like he wants to scream it from the rooftops. Which I find adorable. Personally, while I'm feeling much more confident about it all (note the tone of this post!), I still want to wait a little while. (Part of me wants to tell no one ever.) I have one more week of classes and then a week of finals. I think I can hide my growing belly for at least those last two weeks (I've still got one pair of pants that fits, sort of, and belly bands holding up the rest and lots of big sweaters). I'll plan on telling my department chair during finals week because he needs to know for scheduling purposes for the fall and for "just in case" purposes for the spring. Other than that, I want to wait until the spring semester to tell the rest of work. I'll be about 16 weeks, then, so time for my press release. :) And, I'll probably not be able to hide it at that point with twins. We have some friends that we'll plan on telling locally during finals week, too, probably. But, all of our local friends also work here, so it's a bit of a delicate situation.
- Still not sure exactly when my DH will tell his parents. Although, he's all excited about how he plans to tell his mother. We've been looking at double strollers, etc. on Amazon (because he feels all confident and stuff and I'm trying to stay zen about it and let his confidence inspire me). He's making a "wishlist" and is planning on sending it to his mom when she asks him what we want for Christmas. I'm assuming the "double snap'n'go" stroller and two infant car seats will clue her in and we'll get a phone call REAL fast.
- We've also been talking about names. Mostly in a joking manner of "what fun combos can we use for twins" that we would never actually use. But, some more serious which is both freaking me out and making me immensely happy all at the same time.
- I'm still having a lot of lower abdomen tenderness and pain but it has gotten better. I assume it's everything stretching and responding to hormones -- I've always had a lot of uterine/ovarian pain at ovulation and AF, so I guess I'm just sensitive that way. It still worries me (of course it does) so I'll be checking with the doc on Tuesday about it. I've already gotten checked for a UTI (negative) and talked to the RE and he didn't have much to say about it. So, hopefully all is OK. Oh, and I'm afraid to say it but I seem to be only barely, barely spotting brown, finally!
- My cousin's triplets are doing well. All are off the respirators! One needs to have some surgery next week so things are still uncertain, but everything is looking good. Which is a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I'm not Kourtney Kardashian, either
I know, I know, you've all been wondering. I mean, after I told you I wasn't Beyoncé, I know you were wondering just which celebrity I was.
But, I mean, the differences are obvious, aren't they? Kourtney Kardashian is 9 weeks pregnant and sending out press releases. She says "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident." And, her boyfriend says "It wasn't like we weren't trying," ... "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"
Me? I'm 10 weeks pregnant with lots and lots and lots of trying and we haven't even told my husband's parents much less sent out a press release. I think I'll wait until 16 weeks to send out the press release. I mean, you gotta give the tabloids a chance to speculate about bumps, right? Build up that buzz so you can sheepishly confirm it later. I don't know what she was thinking announcing so quickly. Without the buzz, no one really cares. Oh, probably just trying to distract from her sister.
Must be a nice world to live in, huh?
But, I mean, the differences are obvious, aren't they? Kourtney Kardashian is 9 weeks pregnant and sending out press releases. She says "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident." And, her boyfriend says "It wasn't like we weren't trying," ... "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"
Me? I'm 10 weeks pregnant with lots and lots and lots of trying and we haven't even told my husband's parents much less sent out a press release. I think I'll wait until 16 weeks to send out the press release. I mean, you gotta give the tabloids a chance to speculate about bumps, right? Build up that buzz so you can sheepishly confirm it later. I don't know what she was thinking announcing so quickly. Without the buzz, no one really cares. Oh, probably just trying to distract from her sister.
Must be a nice world to live in, huh?
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Graduation
I cried.
We watched our two beautiful babies wiggle their tiny little arms and legs around and I cried. Baby A flailed everything. I never imagined they'd be moving so much already at 10 weeks. Baby B waved one arm. Then, as if telling us it was time to leave them alone, Baby B suddenly flipped onto his/her side. We all gasped. I cursed myself for being so fascinated that I forgot I wanted to film the screen.
My tiny giant-alien-headed teddy bear babies. Hearts beating and limbs flailing. Perfect size. Beautiful.
Dr. Smiles hugged me tight and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He hugged the nurse as she got the perfect images. He told us how much he enjoyed working with us. We talked about how to find a good OB. The nurse is working to help us find the perfect one. She said with a smile "now, you're going to have to start to accept that you're pregnant with twins." Dr. Smiles said "well, in a couple of years come back and we'll thaw the one on ice for a little sibling."
We waved "hi" and thank you to the embryologist. I wanted to run over and squeeze her. The woman who helped form my children. Their first "babysitter." The woman we trusted to nurture them for the five days that I couldn't.
Tears were in my eyes as I thanked them all from the bottom of my heart. How can you thank them enough?
The nurse handed me a bag and said "you get new mommy treat bags, now. No more med bags."
We left and I felt sad that I had missed the nurse who knew I was pregnant before I even POAS. The nurse I first met nearly a year ago when she was checking my laparascopy scars and told me that the one on the right was healing the best because that was the one she was in control of during surgery. The one who hugged me when IUIs failed. As we waited for the elevator, she came running out of the office "How could you leave without saying goodbye?!" We hugged each other tight and I cried. I thanked her again and again. She told me how happy she was for us and I knew she meant it. She thanked us for persevering. She told us "bring those babies by to meet us."
How can I leave these people?
My babies are safe. They are beautiful. They are loved.
I can't stop crying.
We watched our two beautiful babies wiggle their tiny little arms and legs around and I cried. Baby A flailed everything. I never imagined they'd be moving so much already at 10 weeks. Baby B waved one arm. Then, as if telling us it was time to leave them alone, Baby B suddenly flipped onto his/her side. We all gasped. I cursed myself for being so fascinated that I forgot I wanted to film the screen.
My tiny giant-alien-headed teddy bear babies. Hearts beating and limbs flailing. Perfect size. Beautiful.
Dr. Smiles hugged me tight and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He hugged the nurse as she got the perfect images. He told us how much he enjoyed working with us. We talked about how to find a good OB. The nurse is working to help us find the perfect one. She said with a smile "now, you're going to have to start to accept that you're pregnant with twins." Dr. Smiles said "well, in a couple of years come back and we'll thaw the one on ice for a little sibling."
We waved "hi" and thank you to the embryologist. I wanted to run over and squeeze her. The woman who helped form my children. Their first "babysitter." The woman we trusted to nurture them for the five days that I couldn't.
Tears were in my eyes as I thanked them all from the bottom of my heart. How can you thank them enough?
The nurse handed me a bag and said "you get new mommy treat bags, now. No more med bags."
We left and I felt sad that I had missed the nurse who knew I was pregnant before I even POAS. The nurse I first met nearly a year ago when she was checking my laparascopy scars and told me that the one on the right was healing the best because that was the one she was in control of during surgery. The one who hugged me when IUIs failed. As we waited for the elevator, she came running out of the office "How could you leave without saying goodbye?!" We hugged each other tight and I cried. I thanked her again and again. She told me how happy she was for us and I knew she meant it. She thanked us for persevering. She told us "bring those babies by to meet us."
How can I leave these people?
My babies are safe. They are beautiful. They are loved.
I can't stop crying.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Yoga, it's a miracle
So, all weekend my lower abdomen pain has been getting worse and worse. Burning, uncomfortable, sore, lots of pressure. Worse as the day goes on but, lately, bad in the mornings, too. I've been hanging out on the couch getting nothing accomplished just feeling like, well, crap.
This morning, as I struggled out of bed and thought "how the hell am I going to teach today?" I bent over on the bathroom rug desperate for some relief.
That's when it occurred to me, maybe all of this is from my swollen ovaries getting pressed up against my uterus as it expands. I remembered back long, long ago to when someday-soon recommended kneeling face down, butt in the air to help get OHSS-y ovaries back into place.
So I did a kind of modified downward dog for about half a minute.
Instant relief. And, not only that, but when I stood back up, the pressure was gone. Sure, things are still very sore, but it's a night and day difference.
I mean, for the first time in a week I can walk and I feel like my energy is back.
Gotta love yoga.
Now, we just wait until tomorrow for our 10 week ultrasound. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. The appointment isn't until 3:00, so no update for a while in case you're as anxious about it as I am... ;)
This morning, as I struggled out of bed and thought "how the hell am I going to teach today?" I bent over on the bathroom rug desperate for some relief.
That's when it occurred to me, maybe all of this is from my swollen ovaries getting pressed up against my uterus as it expands. I remembered back long, long ago to when someday-soon recommended kneeling face down, butt in the air to help get OHSS-y ovaries back into place.
So I did a kind of modified downward dog for about half a minute.
Instant relief. And, not only that, but when I stood back up, the pressure was gone. Sure, things are still very sore, but it's a night and day difference.
I mean, for the first time in a week I can walk and I feel like my energy is back.
Gotta love yoga.
Now, we just wait until tomorrow for our 10 week ultrasound. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. The appointment isn't until 3:00, so no update for a while in case you're as anxious about it as I am... ;)
Friday, November 25, 2011
Hiya!
OK, first of all, writing "hiya!" just made me think of Miss Piggy saying "HI-YA!" and reminded me just how frickin' excited I am to see the new Muppet movie. I was hoping we'd get to see it this weekend but my DH is getting a little stressed about work, so it's going to have to wait a bit. Sigh...Kermie...
Second -- Marybeth -- I'm so glad to see your comment because I was worried about what had happened! Keep me posted when you can -- you can e-mail me through my profile.
Let's see. I didn't mean for a week and a half to go by since my last post. But, last week was crazy at school and then we've had this week off and have been traveling (new city every night) since Monday and there's never been reliable internet service and as much as I love my new iPhone, it sucks to try to post on it... Or comment on blogs -- sorry that I've not been that great about it lately. Trying to catch up!
So, anyway, here's a summary of everything that's been going on.
It was SO weird to be visiting friends these last few days because we were visiting people who actually KNOW what's going on. So, for the first time since I've been pregnant, I got to actually DISCUSS the pregnancy and IVF. I won't lie, it freaked me out a lot. I would find myself in the middle of a conversation and then start thinking "yeah, but this is going to feel stupid if it all ends next week."
I wish I could get out of that mindset. I keep saying to myself "this will be a successful pregnancy. There's no reason why it shouldn't be."
Then we were at my SIL's house for Thanksgiving where she and my BIL know but my DH's parents/their partners don't know. Luckily, after Thanksgiving lunch, EVERYONE is sleepy so it didn't look weird that I couldn't keep my eyes open... (My DH has decided to wait as long as possible to tell his parents. At one point he said something about 20 weeks... I hope he's joking because I'm trying to imagine being pregnant with twins at 20 weeks and trying to hide it from his mother.)
Yesterday, my DH and I wandered around a closed car lot and checked out minivans and SUVs. Talk about bringing on a bit of a panic... I SO want to get a big ol' family car but I'm really afraid to jump the gun.
(I have GOT to get out of this mindset.)
Yesterday, my cousin's wife had her triplets -- she was only about 27 weeks. They'd had her on hospital rest for at least the last two months and were hoping to keep them in until 32 weeks, but it didn't happen. Everything is looking good so far, but this is so early (they are all around 2 pounds or less) and it is so scary. Please send lots of positive thoughts their way. They've got a long way to go, yet.
Today I went to urgent care because I've been feeling like I had a UTI for the last several days and it keeps getting worse. I did an at-home test and it was inconclusive. Well, the test at the clinic said all is fine -- although they are sending it off for culture just to make sure. Basically, I just can't tell anymore if my uterus is hurting or if it is my bladder. So, I thought I'd rather get it checked out than find out that an infection was slowly making its way up to my kidneys. Still hurting a lot. But, I guess it's all to be expected. Everything is just very sore. The doctor offered me an u/s today, but I turned it down. The scan wouldn't have told us anything useful that we could actually DO, and my next RE scan is Tuesday. And, I think I really didn't want the scan because, if there is bad news, I just want a few more days of believing.
So, a lot of this post seems like I'm feeling down about the pregnancy. I'm not, really. It's just that this next scan will be "the one" that tells us if the same thing that happened last time has happened again. Last time, we didn't find out about the miscarriage until 11.5 weeks, but the baby probably died around 7.5 weeks. So, now the scan on Tuesday is at 10 weeks -- and our last scan was at 7.5 weeks. It's this "unknown zone" that scares me. I just want to make it past this milestone. Then, of course, I'm sure I'll say the same about 12 weeks, and 14 weeks and 20 weeks and etc., etc. But, after this one it will all at least be different from the last time. I need that difference. If it wasn't for the bleeding, I think I'd be in a better place with it (who am I kidding, probably not).
So, there you are. Long rambling post. How surprising, right? Never would expect it from me, right? :)
Anyway, for all in the US, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. For all around the world, I hope you're having a wonderful Friday.
Second -- Marybeth -- I'm so glad to see your comment because I was worried about what had happened! Keep me posted when you can -- you can e-mail me through my profile.
Let's see. I didn't mean for a week and a half to go by since my last post. But, last week was crazy at school and then we've had this week off and have been traveling (new city every night) since Monday and there's never been reliable internet service and as much as I love my new iPhone, it sucks to try to post on it... Or comment on blogs -- sorry that I've not been that great about it lately. Trying to catch up!
So, anyway, here's a summary of everything that's been going on.
It was SO weird to be visiting friends these last few days because we were visiting people who actually KNOW what's going on. So, for the first time since I've been pregnant, I got to actually DISCUSS the pregnancy and IVF. I won't lie, it freaked me out a lot. I would find myself in the middle of a conversation and then start thinking "yeah, but this is going to feel stupid if it all ends next week."
I wish I could get out of that mindset. I keep saying to myself "this will be a successful pregnancy. There's no reason why it shouldn't be."
Then we were at my SIL's house for Thanksgiving where she and my BIL know but my DH's parents/their partners don't know. Luckily, after Thanksgiving lunch, EVERYONE is sleepy so it didn't look weird that I couldn't keep my eyes open... (My DH has decided to wait as long as possible to tell his parents. At one point he said something about 20 weeks... I hope he's joking because I'm trying to imagine being pregnant with twins at 20 weeks and trying to hide it from his mother.)
Yesterday, my DH and I wandered around a closed car lot and checked out minivans and SUVs. Talk about bringing on a bit of a panic... I SO want to get a big ol' family car but I'm really afraid to jump the gun.
(I have GOT to get out of this mindset.)
Yesterday, my cousin's wife had her triplets -- she was only about 27 weeks. They'd had her on hospital rest for at least the last two months and were hoping to keep them in until 32 weeks, but it didn't happen. Everything is looking good so far, but this is so early (they are all around 2 pounds or less) and it is so scary. Please send lots of positive thoughts their way. They've got a long way to go, yet.
Today I went to urgent care because I've been feeling like I had a UTI for the last several days and it keeps getting worse. I did an at-home test and it was inconclusive. Well, the test at the clinic said all is fine -- although they are sending it off for culture just to make sure. Basically, I just can't tell anymore if my uterus is hurting or if it is my bladder. So, I thought I'd rather get it checked out than find out that an infection was slowly making its way up to my kidneys. Still hurting a lot. But, I guess it's all to be expected. Everything is just very sore. The doctor offered me an u/s today, but I turned it down. The scan wouldn't have told us anything useful that we could actually DO, and my next RE scan is Tuesday. And, I think I really didn't want the scan because, if there is bad news, I just want a few more days of believing.
So, a lot of this post seems like I'm feeling down about the pregnancy. I'm not, really. It's just that this next scan will be "the one" that tells us if the same thing that happened last time has happened again. Last time, we didn't find out about the miscarriage until 11.5 weeks, but the baby probably died around 7.5 weeks. So, now the scan on Tuesday is at 10 weeks -- and our last scan was at 7.5 weeks. It's this "unknown zone" that scares me. I just want to make it past this milestone. Then, of course, I'm sure I'll say the same about 12 weeks, and 14 weeks and 20 weeks and etc., etc. But, after this one it will all at least be different from the last time. I need that difference. If it wasn't for the bleeding, I think I'd be in a better place with it (who am I kidding, probably not).
So, there you are. Long rambling post. How surprising, right? Never would expect it from me, right? :)
Anyway, for all in the US, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. For all around the world, I hope you're having a wonderful Friday.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Eight weeks
Today I'm 8 weeks pregnant!
It was a good weekend. I stayed camped out on the sofa the whole time. The bleeding slowed to a trickle and I just kept picturing the u/s and relaxed. It was good. I was still hurting, but not too bad.
And...and...you won't believe this! My DH even emptied the dishwasher! We have had a dishwasher since our February remodel and this is the first time he has ever emptied it! I think he finally realized that waiting for me to do it only works if I'm capable of standing and bending.
Of course, things were put away in all sorts of weird places -- but I totally don't care. It was awesome.
(Normally, I really don't care about this because he does so much else around the house and the new kitchen has become my domain which I love taking care of. But, lately the thought of standing and washing pots and pans was not a happy one and he wasn't noticing.)
Back to work yesterday -- but I'm being good and as relaxed as possible. When I'm not in class or lab or office hours or meetings, I've gone home -- the joy of living three blocks from work. I took a nap at lunch both yesterday and today. And, seriously, if students didn't keep popping in my office this afternoon I would be asleep sitting up at my desk.
Other than sleepiness, still feeling starved/nauseous. Thanks, someday-soon, for the oyster cracker recommendation. Much easier to nosh on than saltines!
I'm afraid I'm going to jinx myself -- but no bleeding today so far. Wahoo!
I have amused myself today by looking at 8 week pregnant twin belly shots on-line. Because my belly is still giant from the OHSS and I look huge. I kept thinking it would go down, but my ovaries are still about 10 cm across each (which is considered the borderline between moderate and severe OHSS). Which is about the size of a softball. Seriously, I've got two softball sized ovaries in my abdomen? How the hell does that work? So, I think the belly is my body trying to find room for my ovaries. I guess by the time they do finally go down, I'll actually be showing "for real." When I first had OHSS, my stomach muscles were killing me because my belly pushed out so quickly.
I feel like I need to start carrying large purses or books or groceries or standing behind plants like I'm trying to hide a pregnancy on TV.
Friday afternoon, I returned from the RE to find an extra special bonus present -- you know, beyond the ultimate present we'd just been given. My new iPhone was waiting for me on my porch! I upgraded from a dying 5 1/2 year old flip phone that would generally only let me make it through half a conversation before its battery died.
So, I've been entertaining myself asking Siri questions. For instance, I just asked her what the diameter of a typical softball is. Then I asked her to convert the units to centimeters. Of course I could do this myself, but it is so entertaining to talk to my phone. Yesterday I asked her if I needed a jacket at lunch and she told me the expected low for the day and then the current temperature. I am so easily amused.
So, yeah, the one thing I'm not getting accomplished is any work. I really should be grading. But, my brain is just off the deep end lately.
Hope you're all having a good week.
It was a good weekend. I stayed camped out on the sofa the whole time. The bleeding slowed to a trickle and I just kept picturing the u/s and relaxed. It was good. I was still hurting, but not too bad.
And...and...you won't believe this! My DH even emptied the dishwasher! We have had a dishwasher since our February remodel and this is the first time he has ever emptied it! I think he finally realized that waiting for me to do it only works if I'm capable of standing and bending.
Of course, things were put away in all sorts of weird places -- but I totally don't care. It was awesome.
(Normally, I really don't care about this because he does so much else around the house and the new kitchen has become my domain which I love taking care of. But, lately the thought of standing and washing pots and pans was not a happy one and he wasn't noticing.)
Back to work yesterday -- but I'm being good and as relaxed as possible. When I'm not in class or lab or office hours or meetings, I've gone home -- the joy of living three blocks from work. I took a nap at lunch both yesterday and today. And, seriously, if students didn't keep popping in my office this afternoon I would be asleep sitting up at my desk.
Other than sleepiness, still feeling starved/nauseous. Thanks, someday-soon, for the oyster cracker recommendation. Much easier to nosh on than saltines!
I'm afraid I'm going to jinx myself -- but no bleeding today so far. Wahoo!
I have amused myself today by looking at 8 week pregnant twin belly shots on-line. Because my belly is still giant from the OHSS and I look huge. I kept thinking it would go down, but my ovaries are still about 10 cm across each (which is considered the borderline between moderate and severe OHSS). Which is about the size of a softball. Seriously, I've got two softball sized ovaries in my abdomen? How the hell does that work? So, I think the belly is my body trying to find room for my ovaries. I guess by the time they do finally go down, I'll actually be showing "for real." When I first had OHSS, my stomach muscles were killing me because my belly pushed out so quickly.
I feel like I need to start carrying large purses or books or groceries or standing behind plants like I'm trying to hide a pregnancy on TV.
Friday afternoon, I returned from the RE to find an extra special bonus present -- you know, beyond the ultimate present we'd just been given. My new iPhone was waiting for me on my porch! I upgraded from a dying 5 1/2 year old flip phone that would generally only let me make it through half a conversation before its battery died.
So, I've been entertaining myself asking Siri questions. For instance, I just asked her what the diameter of a typical softball is. Then I asked her to convert the units to centimeters. Of course I could do this myself, but it is so entertaining to talk to my phone. Yesterday I asked her if I needed a jacket at lunch and she told me the expected low for the day and then the current temperature. I am so easily amused.
So, yeah, the one thing I'm not getting accomplished is any work. I really should be grading. But, my brain is just off the deep end lately.
Hope you're all having a good week.
Friday, November 11, 2011
11-11-11 is a lucky day
I made a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 and it came true.
We're all OK. All three of us. Both babies' hearts are still beating strongly.
I'm 7w3d today. Baby B was easy to find and measured 7w4d. The heartbeat was obvious and strong. Baby A was difficult. At first, the doctor thought he didn't see anything anymore. In fact, for a good five minutes or more we were having a discussion about what might happen as my body began to recognize that Baby A was gone. We really couldn't see anything. The doctor said "I'm saying I can't see a heartbeat, not that there isn't one there, but I really can't see it and the yolk sac looks odd." But, then, suddenly, he moved the probe in a slightly different direction and there was Baby A. And, there was the heartbeat -- just as strong and rapid as Baby B's. We were all in shock. Baby A is measuring at right around 7w3d. Right on schedule. For a moment, we got to see them both on the screen at the same time with their hearts beating together. It was beautiful.
The problem appears to be that the subchorionic hematoma (which apparently is what this has been all along but not what he was calling it before) has gotten larger and there's something else going on, too. It almost seems to be that there's a third sac on top of the first two. But, it is empty and kind of smooshed. The doctor isn't sure what he's seeing. It's making it difficult to get a good picture of what is going on. So, we have to keep an eye on it.
Regardless, the SCH is going to continue to be a pain in my uterus. Literally. He said that it will continue to bleed as the babies grow. And that I should expect some heavy bleeds again. They're keeping me on bed rest as long as I'm actively bleeding. I'm hoping that things will calm down over the weekend and I can get back to work next week -- sitting the whole time but at least there. It's eased up back to a trickle since the scare yesterday. (But, believe me, I'll continue to sit on my ass at home if I need to.)
So, we're OK. The SCH scares me -- I've heard of many women who have had them and had successful pregnancies -- but it still is just scary.
We will go back Tuesday the 29th (the week after Thanksgiving) for a 10 week scan. Hopefully nothing else will happen before then to make us go back sooner.
Thank you all so much for your words yesterday and today. I've said it before, but I feel like I can never say it enough -- your support means so very much to me.
We're OK.
We're all OK. All three of us. Both babies' hearts are still beating strongly.
I'm 7w3d today. Baby B was easy to find and measured 7w4d. The heartbeat was obvious and strong. Baby A was difficult. At first, the doctor thought he didn't see anything anymore. In fact, for a good five minutes or more we were having a discussion about what might happen as my body began to recognize that Baby A was gone. We really couldn't see anything. The doctor said "I'm saying I can't see a heartbeat, not that there isn't one there, but I really can't see it and the yolk sac looks odd." But, then, suddenly, he moved the probe in a slightly different direction and there was Baby A. And, there was the heartbeat -- just as strong and rapid as Baby B's. We were all in shock. Baby A is measuring at right around 7w3d. Right on schedule. For a moment, we got to see them both on the screen at the same time with their hearts beating together. It was beautiful.
The problem appears to be that the subchorionic hematoma (which apparently is what this has been all along but not what he was calling it before) has gotten larger and there's something else going on, too. It almost seems to be that there's a third sac on top of the first two. But, it is empty and kind of smooshed. The doctor isn't sure what he's seeing. It's making it difficult to get a good picture of what is going on. So, we have to keep an eye on it.
Regardless, the SCH is going to continue to be a pain in my uterus. Literally. He said that it will continue to bleed as the babies grow. And that I should expect some heavy bleeds again. They're keeping me on bed rest as long as I'm actively bleeding. I'm hoping that things will calm down over the weekend and I can get back to work next week -- sitting the whole time but at least there. It's eased up back to a trickle since the scare yesterday. (But, believe me, I'll continue to sit on my ass at home if I need to.)
So, we're OK. The SCH scares me -- I've heard of many women who have had them and had successful pregnancies -- but it still is just scary.
We will go back Tuesday the 29th (the week after Thanksgiving) for a 10 week scan. Hopefully nothing else will happen before then to make us go back sooner.
Thank you all so much for your words yesterday and today. I've said it before, but I feel like I can never say it enough -- your support means so very much to me.
We're OK.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I really hate this
Lots more blood today. Like a heavy period. I'm on nurse ordered bed rest until we go down for another emergency scan tomorrow afternoon. Apparently that's what I do on Fridays, now.
The reason we're waiting until the afternoon is that I've had to (figuratively -- it's all from the sofa) run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to arrange for coverage for all the things I have scheduled tomorrow. First I had to leave lab an hour early today and desperately beg a fellow faculty member to watch my students for the last hour. Then, I'm giving an exam in the morning (which isn't quite written, yet) that my DH is going to photocopy tonight (if I ever finish it -- my focus is a bit off) and then proctor for me.
The worst part is that two of my colleagues are off campus tomorrow and, in return of favors they've done for me during all this IVF stuff, I was going to cover THEIR classes. So, my DH is covering an exam for one of them that is immediately after mine. Then, the poor man has to run to give his own lecture. Then we're leaving immediately after that to drive the 90 miles to my scan -- I wish I had a damned doctor here that I could go to but I haven't found a new OB, yet. So, the afternoon quiz/lecture I was supposed to cover is now having to be covered by someone else -- not sure who, yet, but my dean has said he'll find someone (he's aware of what's going on). And, of course, just the quiz part -- the lecture part will just have to slide.
Not to mention the three or four other things I had to cancel or rearrange.
I hate this. I hate asking for favors. I hate having to tell people, yet again, "something has come up and I can't do 'x'" I hate this so much. I realize, in the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal and it just has to happen. But, it is just against my personality to ask for help and it's against my nature to share what's going on. It's just hard. And, I think focusing on the re-scheduling helps me ignore what's going on inside me.
Now that I've taken care of most of it all (got to get this exam off my head) I'm just trying to meditate and relax. Trying to think positive thoughts.
But, of course, I'm terrified again. This is a lot of blood. A lot. I know it could all still be OK. But, each time I reconcile one thing, the bleeding gets worse -- just red spotting? OK, that's no big deal. Medium bleeding? That's OK, things are still fine. Full pads worth of blood? That's getting hard to ignore.
Little ticks, I love you very much. Please be OK.
The reason we're waiting until the afternoon is that I've had to (figuratively -- it's all from the sofa) run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to arrange for coverage for all the things I have scheduled tomorrow. First I had to leave lab an hour early today and desperately beg a fellow faculty member to watch my students for the last hour. Then, I'm giving an exam in the morning (which isn't quite written, yet) that my DH is going to photocopy tonight (if I ever finish it -- my focus is a bit off) and then proctor for me.
The worst part is that two of my colleagues are off campus tomorrow and, in return of favors they've done for me during all this IVF stuff, I was going to cover THEIR classes. So, my DH is covering an exam for one of them that is immediately after mine. Then, the poor man has to run to give his own lecture. Then we're leaving immediately after that to drive the 90 miles to my scan -- I wish I had a damned doctor here that I could go to but I haven't found a new OB, yet. So, the afternoon quiz/lecture I was supposed to cover is now having to be covered by someone else -- not sure who, yet, but my dean has said he'll find someone (he's aware of what's going on). And, of course, just the quiz part -- the lecture part will just have to slide.
Not to mention the three or four other things I had to cancel or rearrange.
I hate this. I hate asking for favors. I hate having to tell people, yet again, "something has come up and I can't do 'x'" I hate this so much. I realize, in the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal and it just has to happen. But, it is just against my personality to ask for help and it's against my nature to share what's going on. It's just hard. And, I think focusing on the re-scheduling helps me ignore what's going on inside me.
Now that I've taken care of most of it all (got to get this exam off my head) I'm just trying to meditate and relax. Trying to think positive thoughts.
But, of course, I'm terrified again. This is a lot of blood. A lot. I know it could all still be OK. But, each time I reconcile one thing, the bleeding gets worse -- just red spotting? OK, that's no big deal. Medium bleeding? That's OK, things are still fine. Full pads worth of blood? That's getting hard to ignore.
Little ticks, I love you very much. Please be OK.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
How things are
Things are pretty good.
I'm 7w1d today! Just 6 days until our next scan!
I had two whole days straight of no bleeding! I thought I was making it a third day but it started back up again last night. (I need one of those "It's been ___ days without an accident" signs.) It's not as bad as it was, but still there. I'm still feeling pretty good about everything and trying not to think about it. I just wish it would flippin' stop.
Cramps still seem to come and go.
I'm in the hungry/nauseous phase. Thankfully no vomiting at this point. Just feeling like I will vomit if I don't eat pretty much all the time and feeling especially nauseous at night.
I'm utterly, utterly exhausted. I haven't stayed up past 9 o'clock in a week and seem to fall asleep on the sofa at 7:30 most nights. Then, of course, I wake up extra early because my brain is confused (and the time change doesn't help).
My boobs are gigantic and my nipples are hot pink and enormous. Just thought you should know. :)
I was out of town at a meeting for three days and, luckily, it was a workshop that involved me sitting on my butt the whole time. I ordered room service both nights I was there (fancy, fancy hotel -- lots of fun) because walking around looking for food seemed like a bad plan. And, room service was actually reasonably priced.
I was worried I wouldn't get a lot of protein on this trip (breakfasts and lunches were provided and non-meat protein sources are few and far between at these things sometimes). Normally, I'd take a bunch of nuts as a go-to protein snack. BUT, during my last pregnancy, my allergist told me that a few new studies have shown that highly allergic mothers (such as me) who ate nuts during pregnancy (even if they weren't allergic to them themselves) increased the likelihood of having children with nut allergies. So, I'm trying to be nut free. Which kind of sucks! (And, am afraid that I'm going to end up causing the opposite effect.) So, before I left, my DH boiled me a half dozen eggs and I took a little cooler with me. I added them to random meals throughout the trip. It was actually quite yummy.
I'm having some generalized anxiety issues today for some reason and I'm just trying to meditate and breathe.
I have no desire whatsoever to go teach my lab this afternoon. Maybe the students won't notice if I don't show up... (I wish I could say they'd all be excited for it to be canceled. But, there are only four weeks of lab left this semester and they're all behind and missing a day would FREAK them out. They all seem a bit type A. Which, I suppose, is better than them not caring.)
OK, I guess I'd better suck it up and go to lab. Blah.
Happy Wednesday! Sorry for the rambling post.
I'm 7w1d today! Just 6 days until our next scan!
I had two whole days straight of no bleeding! I thought I was making it a third day but it started back up again last night. (I need one of those "It's been ___ days without an accident" signs.) It's not as bad as it was, but still there. I'm still feeling pretty good about everything and trying not to think about it. I just wish it would flippin' stop.
Cramps still seem to come and go.
I'm in the hungry/nauseous phase. Thankfully no vomiting at this point. Just feeling like I will vomit if I don't eat pretty much all the time and feeling especially nauseous at night.
I'm utterly, utterly exhausted. I haven't stayed up past 9 o'clock in a week and seem to fall asleep on the sofa at 7:30 most nights. Then, of course, I wake up extra early because my brain is confused (and the time change doesn't help).
My boobs are gigantic and my nipples are hot pink and enormous. Just thought you should know. :)
I was out of town at a meeting for three days and, luckily, it was a workshop that involved me sitting on my butt the whole time. I ordered room service both nights I was there (fancy, fancy hotel -- lots of fun) because walking around looking for food seemed like a bad plan. And, room service was actually reasonably priced.
I was worried I wouldn't get a lot of protein on this trip (breakfasts and lunches were provided and non-meat protein sources are few and far between at these things sometimes). Normally, I'd take a bunch of nuts as a go-to protein snack. BUT, during my last pregnancy, my allergist told me that a few new studies have shown that highly allergic mothers (such as me) who ate nuts during pregnancy (even if they weren't allergic to them themselves) increased the likelihood of having children with nut allergies. So, I'm trying to be nut free. Which kind of sucks! (And, am afraid that I'm going to end up causing the opposite effect.) So, before I left, my DH boiled me a half dozen eggs and I took a little cooler with me. I added them to random meals throughout the trip. It was actually quite yummy.
I'm having some generalized anxiety issues today for some reason and I'm just trying to meditate and breathe.
I have no desire whatsoever to go teach my lab this afternoon. Maybe the students won't notice if I don't show up... (I wish I could say they'd all be excited for it to be canceled. But, there are only four weeks of lab left this semester and they're all behind and missing a day would FREAK them out. They all seem a bit type A. Which, I suppose, is better than them not caring.)
OK, I guess I'd better suck it up and go to lab. Blah.
Happy Wednesday! Sorry for the rambling post.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Two heartbeats!
The ticks' tickers are ticking! My relief is beyond enormous.
All is well. The blood is coming from a spot right above Baby B's sac. Dr. Smiles said that there is some "separation" between the sac and the wall of the uterus at that point. But, it's not the main point where the sac is attached --the entire side is attached to the side wall of the uterus and it looks very strong there. He said he's actually glad that the blood is flowing because, otherwise, there would be a build up of pressure there that would be pressing on the sac. Baby A's sac seems unaffected by it. I don't like the idea of any "separation" but he seemed to think it wasn't a problem, so I'm OK. The nurse said it looks like the bleeding should be stopping soon. She said to keep taking it easy but that things should be OK.
They first flipped to Baby A and you could see the tiniest flicker of a heartbeat immediately. Not quite strong enough to measure, yet, but definitely there. Then we moved over to Baby B. The sac is more distorted and it's a little hard to see but there was definitely a heartbeat, too. There was a bit of a surreal moment when Dr. Smiles actually thought he saw a second yolk sac in Baby B's sac -- as in a possible identical twin split. But, lots more zooms in and out confirms that it was just the gestational sac. Now, THAT was a moment of panic!
Both the nurse and Dr. Smiles have had experience with this personally -- Dr. Smiles' wife and the nurse herself. So, they were both very understanding of our panic and made sure that the scan was as thorough as possible and made sure to reassure us. A wonderful thing. After Dr. Smiles left, the nurse said that with her pregnancy she bled at the beginning and then, for the rest of the pregnancy, never stopped looking at the toilet tissue. She said she'd be sitting there feeling the baby move and still be afraid to see blood. So, she understands.
I'm feeling much better. The cramps are still there but the blood is less -- still there, but less. And, I'm trying to believe that I can stay calmer, now. (Of course, last time I said that it lasted for about 24 hours...) But, seeing the heartbeats made me feel infinitely better. I can breathe again.
Thank you all so much for your support. Reading what you wrote yesterday and today made me feel so much calmer.
We have heartbeats!! Back for an 8 week growth scan on November 15th!
All is well. The blood is coming from a spot right above Baby B's sac. Dr. Smiles said that there is some "separation" between the sac and the wall of the uterus at that point. But, it's not the main point where the sac is attached --the entire side is attached to the side wall of the uterus and it looks very strong there. He said he's actually glad that the blood is flowing because, otherwise, there would be a build up of pressure there that would be pressing on the sac. Baby A's sac seems unaffected by it. I don't like the idea of any "separation" but he seemed to think it wasn't a problem, so I'm OK. The nurse said it looks like the bleeding should be stopping soon. She said to keep taking it easy but that things should be OK.
They first flipped to Baby A and you could see the tiniest flicker of a heartbeat immediately. Not quite strong enough to measure, yet, but definitely there. Then we moved over to Baby B. The sac is more distorted and it's a little hard to see but there was definitely a heartbeat, too. There was a bit of a surreal moment when Dr. Smiles actually thought he saw a second yolk sac in Baby B's sac -- as in a possible identical twin split. But, lots more zooms in and out confirms that it was just the gestational sac. Now, THAT was a moment of panic!
Both the nurse and Dr. Smiles have had experience with this personally -- Dr. Smiles' wife and the nurse herself. So, they were both very understanding of our panic and made sure that the scan was as thorough as possible and made sure to reassure us. A wonderful thing. After Dr. Smiles left, the nurse said that with her pregnancy she bled at the beginning and then, for the rest of the pregnancy, never stopped looking at the toilet tissue. She said she'd be sitting there feeling the baby move and still be afraid to see blood. So, she understands.
I'm feeling much better. The cramps are still there but the blood is less -- still there, but less. And, I'm trying to believe that I can stay calmer, now. (Of course, last time I said that it lasted for about 24 hours...) But, seeing the heartbeats made me feel infinitely better. I can breathe again.
Thank you all so much for your support. Reading what you wrote yesterday and today made me feel so much calmer.
We have heartbeats!! Back for an 8 week growth scan on November 15th!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Zen and the art of trying to ignore the bleeding
Like it was waiting for after the scan, the bleeding got worse yesterday. It's pretty much constant, now. Yesterday, at one point, I started to pass some clots and it freaked me out. (I was convinced the clots were the ticks.) I called the nurse and she told me that she would expect a few clots after what they saw on the ultrasound and that I should take it easy for the rest of the day and call her this morning.
Luckily, no more clots since then, just a constant thin bleed. But, bad cramps and heaviness that really feels just like I felt right before I started contracting and miscarried the last time. (Sorry, this is all TMI.)
I'm trying, trying, trying, trying to ignore it. I'm trying, trying, trying to believe that it is just whatever uterine irritation they saw and that's it. As a last resort, I'm trying to believe that maybe we're just losing one of them.
I'm just having a really hard time seeing this working out. I cried myself to sleep last night -- what little sleep I got -- and cried to my DH. He's been wonderful and supportive. I know he wishes he could help.
I'm just really scared. I mean, I was already nervous about this pregnancy -- I'm a post-loss, pregnant IF'er, what else could you expect? But, this bleeding isn't helping me believe it's all really OK.
It's such a roller coaster. The moment before the scan on Tuesday, I was convinced there was nothing there. After the scan, I felt confused elation. The next morning, waking up to even more blood just made my heart sink right back down again.
After talking to the nurse just now, I'm going to go in tomorrow afternoon for a scan. She said that if the bleeding stays the way it has been, I can stay at work but take it easy. If it gets worse, I need to go home and lie down. I don't know what we're looking for in the scan -- maybe early heartbeats? Maybe just hoping that there's something still there? Maybe hoping that there's an obvious source of the bleeding and that it is nowhere near the ticks and that they're still just fine? I don't know.
Last night, in between trying to take my heart off the edge of depression that I know another loss would send me into, all I could think was "I just don't have time for a miscarriage right now. I just really don't have time."
I'll leave you with the little ticks' first ultrasound because it makes me happy when I see it and I'm trying to cling to them still being OK. Baby B on the left looks a little smooshed in this picture, but the nurse was trying to get a shot of both of them at the same time.
(I swear, when I look at this picture, all I can see is one of the ghosts from Pac-Man! ☺ )
Stay stuck, little ticks.
(And, thank you for all of your wonderful comments on Tuesday's post.)
Luckily, no more clots since then, just a constant thin bleed. But, bad cramps and heaviness that really feels just like I felt right before I started contracting and miscarried the last time. (Sorry, this is all TMI.)
I'm trying, trying, trying, trying to ignore it. I'm trying, trying, trying to believe that it is just whatever uterine irritation they saw and that's it. As a last resort, I'm trying to believe that maybe we're just losing one of them.
I'm just having a really hard time seeing this working out. I cried myself to sleep last night -- what little sleep I got -- and cried to my DH. He's been wonderful and supportive. I know he wishes he could help.
I'm just really scared. I mean, I was already nervous about this pregnancy -- I'm a post-loss, pregnant IF'er, what else could you expect? But, this bleeding isn't helping me believe it's all really OK.
It's such a roller coaster. The moment before the scan on Tuesday, I was convinced there was nothing there. After the scan, I felt confused elation. The next morning, waking up to even more blood just made my heart sink right back down again.
After talking to the nurse just now, I'm going to go in tomorrow afternoon for a scan. She said that if the bleeding stays the way it has been, I can stay at work but take it easy. If it gets worse, I need to go home and lie down. I don't know what we're looking for in the scan -- maybe early heartbeats? Maybe just hoping that there's something still there? Maybe hoping that there's an obvious source of the bleeding and that it is nowhere near the ticks and that they're still just fine? I don't know.
Last night, in between trying to take my heart off the edge of depression that I know another loss would send me into, all I could think was "I just don't have time for a miscarriage right now. I just really don't have time."
I'll leave you with the little ticks' first ultrasound because it makes me happy when I see it and I'm trying to cling to them still being OK. Baby B on the left looks a little smooshed in this picture, but the nurse was trying to get a shot of both of them at the same time.
Stay stuck, little ticks.
(And, thank you for all of your wonderful comments on Tuesday's post.)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Well...
Look what's in my uterus:
It appears to be twins!
I honestly don't know how to feel! I think I'm completely in shock. As positive as I was trying to be, I was convinced we were going to get bad news. I've had bright red spotting off and on for the past several days and the cramps were pretty intense. I was really terrified and had to be convinced that everything was OK even as we were looking at the image on the screen. The doctor pointed out an "irritation" in the uterus that is most likely causing the spotting but said I should try not to worry about it. (Yeah, right.) I also still have moderate OHSS (borderline severe) and we're cutting back on my progesterone. So, that can't be helping all the pain.
We haven't had a chance to scan in the ultrasound, yet, but there are two gestational sacs each with a yolk sac. They're beautiful. They look about the same size and Dr. Smiles and the nurse were both really happy with them. No heartbeats, yet, but it's just 6w0d today. We go back in two weeks for another scan. Part of me wants to go as soon as possible to see the heartbeats. But, I'm OK waiting. Remind me of that in a week and a half when I'm having daily panic attacks, OK?
As for the picture above... for dinner the day of my retrieval, we ordered Chinese food. This twin fortune cookie was in the bag. I think it was a sign.
I'm thrilled and scared. One step at a time. Lots of hugs from all the staff at the clinic. Everyone is cautiously optimistic.
Oh, and Dr. Smiles referred to the embryos as ticks, too. Independently of my DH. Which, I think means that they're now officially stuck with that name!
THEY are stuck?! They? OMG.
It appears to be twins!
I honestly don't know how to feel! I think I'm completely in shock. As positive as I was trying to be, I was convinced we were going to get bad news. I've had bright red spotting off and on for the past several days and the cramps were pretty intense. I was really terrified and had to be convinced that everything was OK even as we were looking at the image on the screen. The doctor pointed out an "irritation" in the uterus that is most likely causing the spotting but said I should try not to worry about it. (Yeah, right.) I also still have moderate OHSS (borderline severe) and we're cutting back on my progesterone. So, that can't be helping all the pain.
We haven't had a chance to scan in the ultrasound, yet, but there are two gestational sacs each with a yolk sac. They're beautiful. They look about the same size and Dr. Smiles and the nurse were both really happy with them. No heartbeats, yet, but it's just 6w0d today. We go back in two weeks for another scan. Part of me wants to go as soon as possible to see the heartbeats. But, I'm OK waiting. Remind me of that in a week and a half when I'm having daily panic attacks, OK?
As for the picture above... for dinner the day of my retrieval, we ordered Chinese food. This twin fortune cookie was in the bag. I think it was a sign.
I'm thrilled and scared. One step at a time. Lots of hugs from all the staff at the clinic. Everyone is cautiously optimistic.
Oh, and Dr. Smiles referred to the embryos as ticks, too. Independently of my DH. Which, I think means that they're now officially stuck with that name!
THEY are stuck?! They? OMG.
Monday, October 31, 2011
The sun'll come out tomorrow (I hope)
(Borrowing Kelly's old blog title... ☺)
OK, so I wrote yet another "I'm feeling anxious, I wish I were more positive, but I'm still anxious, I hate feeling crampy" post but just deleted it. This is getting old. Yes, it's how I'm feeling, but I'm afraid I'm wallowing in it.
So, instead I'm going to go in a totally different direction and think happy thoughts:
OK, so I wrote yet another "I'm feeling anxious, I wish I were more positive, but I'm still anxious, I hate feeling crampy" post but just deleted it. This is getting old. Yes, it's how I'm feeling, but I'm afraid I'm wallowing in it.
So, instead I'm going to go in a totally different direction and think happy thoughts:
- Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my defending my Ph.D. dissertation and being called Dr. Rebecca for the first time. :)
- This weekend my student group is planning a huge colloquium on campus and I'm really excited about it.
- It's Halloween! I can't wait to see a few students in costume -- I love seeing what they come up with.
- We have successfully managed to keep our house clean for a WHOLE WEEK after having visitors last weekend. The chaos hasn't erupted again (yet). I'm quite impressed with us and hoping we can keep this up.
- My DH and I had lots of lovely "practical decisions about pregnancy and after the baby arrives" discussions this weekend which made me feel all happy and "glowy" inside.
- I'm utterly exhausted all the time and I think that's a good thing.
- I still look about 4 months pregnant by the time evening rolls around. It's hilarious.
- We've had pictures of our embryos up on the fridge but keep hiding them when a few guests have stopped by who don't know, yet. My DH was worried yesterday that he couldn't find the picture. When I found it, he put them back up and then immediately put a picture of our younger nephew next to them. He said "hopefully it will help them be like their younger cousin and not the older one." (Our older nephew has always been a bit of a handful while the younger one has always been really "easy.") It just made me smile thinking of the cousins all together.
- Tomorrow we will get a first glance at our little one(s). It's going to be a beautiful day.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Antsy
You know, it's a bad thing to be in a "leave me the fuck alone" mood when you're a teacher. People are constantly coming up to you asking questions and asking for favors and asking the same damn thing over and over again. And, all I want to do is just yell at every single one of them and tell them they're being idiots and to just leave me the hell alone. Blah.
Not sure why I'm in such a rotten mood right now but I really don't want to deal with people. It's the kind of mood I usually get into right before AF shows up. Just feeling hormonal, I guess.
I keep having moments of incredibly strong cramps that have me bent over in pain for about 10 seconds or so that I just have to stop and breathe through. I hope it's just the progesterone or my ovaries still swollen and cyst-y. It's not particularly confidence-inspiring. It hasn't been enough that I've felt like I needed to call the doctor. Not much I can do about it right now, though.
Sorry, just needed to vent a bit. Still trying to stay positive and keep everything crossed until the first peek next week.
Not sure why I'm in such a rotten mood right now but I really don't want to deal with people. It's the kind of mood I usually get into right before AF shows up. Just feeling hormonal, I guess.
I keep having moments of incredibly strong cramps that have me bent over in pain for about 10 seconds or so that I just have to stop and breathe through. I hope it's just the progesterone or my ovaries still swollen and cyst-y. It's not particularly confidence-inspiring. It hasn't been enough that I've felt like I needed to call the doctor. Not much I can do about it right now, though.
Sorry, just needed to vent a bit. Still trying to stay positive and keep everything crossed until the first peek next week.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
*drums fingers*
Trying to ignore how slowly time is passing here...
I swear, the 2ww for this cycle zoomed by and the five days since we scheduled our u/s have now felt like a lifetime. I don't know how on earth I'm going to wait another week until we get a first peek. I can't imagine how "normal fertile women" wait until the 8th week or later!
I am SO tired. I cannot keep my eyes open. I actually went home and took a nap at lunch today. Yesterday, after falling asleep grading on the couch at 8:30, I just gave up and went to bed at 9:30.
We've told an odd selection of people. My DH has a group of distant (as in, living far away from here) friends and his sister he was updating on a daily basis about the details. I keep asking him how much they really cared about the details -- but of course, he was just giving them the same details I've been giving you. As much as he'll deny it, I think he needed to talk about it the same way that I did. So, after Thursday's positive report, he sent them the update. I think he's being pessimistically optimistic this time around. I think he's unwilling to imagine it working until maybe the 20th week or so. Actually, when I was having a bit of an anxiety attack last night, he basically said he doesn't think he'll "believe" it until the baby is on its way out. That's how he was last time, and I think he feels somewhat justified since, in the end, it didn't work out. He makes me more nervous when he does this since he's normally a very optimistic person.
I haven't told any IRL friends (even the only one who knew we were in the middle of an IVF cycle and just announced her own pregnancy) or family. I think I'll tell my mother after the u/s -- though I'm not positive. My DH will probably not tell his parents until after the first trimester. I actually am kind of dreading telling my mother. Which is ridiculous. I can't seem to feel confident in this pregnancy. I guess the whole "once bitten, twice shy" thing is true. I know with one loss we don't really have a higher probability of having another one. But, I'm just afraid to feel like it's real.
I keep repeating over and over to myself:
"There is no reason to believe this won't be a successful pregnancy."
(Not the world's best mantra, but it's what keeps coming out.)
I'm trying to remind myself of what I said last year.
I don't mean for this post to come out like I'm not excited or like I don't think it will work out. I always hate when people do that. I guess I'm just protecting myself and waiting for the next step.
I did buy a pregnancy book this weekend. Crazy for an infertile who has had a loss, I know. It's a vegetarian pregnancy book that I found at a used bookstore sometime last summer. And, of course, refused to buy at the time on the grounds that I would automatically be preventing myself from getting pregnant by having such a book in my home! We happened to be at the same store on Saturday and I was sitting in a chair (because walking up the stairs had winded me and my entire abdomen was aching) and noticed the book again. Despite all my instincts against jinxing myself, I grabbed it.
If that's not thinking positively, I don't know what is! :)
Today I am 5 weeks pregnant.
I swear, the 2ww for this cycle zoomed by and the five days since we scheduled our u/s have now felt like a lifetime. I don't know how on earth I'm going to wait another week until we get a first peek. I can't imagine how "normal fertile women" wait until the 8th week or later!
I am SO tired. I cannot keep my eyes open. I actually went home and took a nap at lunch today. Yesterday, after falling asleep grading on the couch at 8:30, I just gave up and went to bed at 9:30.
We've told an odd selection of people. My DH has a group of distant (as in, living far away from here) friends and his sister he was updating on a daily basis about the details. I keep asking him how much they really cared about the details -- but of course, he was just giving them the same details I've been giving you. As much as he'll deny it, I think he needed to talk about it the same way that I did. So, after Thursday's positive report, he sent them the update. I think he's being pessimistically optimistic this time around. I think he's unwilling to imagine it working until maybe the 20th week or so. Actually, when I was having a bit of an anxiety attack last night, he basically said he doesn't think he'll "believe" it until the baby is on its way out. That's how he was last time, and I think he feels somewhat justified since, in the end, it didn't work out. He makes me more nervous when he does this since he's normally a very optimistic person.
I haven't told any IRL friends (even the only one who knew we were in the middle of an IVF cycle and just announced her own pregnancy) or family. I think I'll tell my mother after the u/s -- though I'm not positive. My DH will probably not tell his parents until after the first trimester. I actually am kind of dreading telling my mother. Which is ridiculous. I can't seem to feel confident in this pregnancy. I guess the whole "once bitten, twice shy" thing is true. I know with one loss we don't really have a higher probability of having another one. But, I'm just afraid to feel like it's real.
I keep repeating over and over to myself:
"There is no reason to believe this won't be a successful pregnancy."
(Not the world's best mantra, but it's what keeps coming out.)
I'm trying to remind myself of what I said last year.
I feel like the next time I will believe it from the beginning. I will appreciate it from the first moment. I will know that it could all go away again, but I will cherish everything that I get.And, really, I am cherishing every moment I have. I'm holding my still swollen belly and staring at the pictures of my embryos. I'm living in the "now," which is unusual for me. I'm just having a hard time imagining the future.
I don't mean for this post to come out like I'm not excited or like I don't think it will work out. I always hate when people do that. I guess I'm just protecting myself and waiting for the next step.
I did buy a pregnancy book this weekend. Crazy for an infertile who has had a loss, I know. It's a vegetarian pregnancy book that I found at a used bookstore sometime last summer. And, of course, refused to buy at the time on the grounds that I would automatically be preventing myself from getting pregnant by having such a book in my home! We happened to be at the same store on Saturday and I was sitting in a chair (because walking up the stairs had winded me and my entire abdomen was aching) and noticed the book again. Despite all my instincts against jinxing myself, I grabbed it.
If that's not thinking positively, I don't know what is! :)
Today I am 5 weeks pregnant.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The suspense was killing me...
So, I won't make you wait anymore:
9dp5dt 2 pm, beta HCG 233
11dp5dt 11 am, beta HCG 606!!
Doubling time of 32.6 hours!
It took them 5 hours to call about the results! After they told me it would be 2 hours. I'm sure they just got busy, but I don't think they realized the scenarios that would be going through my head. Dr. Smiles is out of town (which is true), the number wasn't good, they had to hunt him down to discuss it with him. They lost the blood sample. I don't know what else. Don't let a paranoid IFer wait an extra 3 hours for good news! It wouldn't have been so bad but, after 2 1/2 hours, I had to go to lab where I'm trapped in a basement with no phone signal for four hours. So, I had to give my phone to my husband with strict instructions to find me when he got the results and to schedule the ultrasound. He was freaked out with the responsibility. (It's true, I saw panic in his eyes.)
Oh, yeah, our first ultrasound? Tuesday, November 1st. I will be 6 weeks pregnant.
Pregnant! Did you hear that? I have to keep saying it to believe it. Wow.
9dp5dt 2 pm, beta HCG 233
11dp5dt 11 am, beta HCG 606!!
Doubling time of 32.6 hours!
It took them 5 hours to call about the results! After they told me it would be 2 hours. I'm sure they just got busy, but I don't think they realized the scenarios that would be going through my head. Dr. Smiles is out of town (which is true), the number wasn't good, they had to hunt him down to discuss it with him. They lost the blood sample. I don't know what else. Don't let a paranoid IFer wait an extra 3 hours for good news! It wouldn't have been so bad but, after 2 1/2 hours, I had to go to lab where I'm trapped in a basement with no phone signal for four hours. So, I had to give my phone to my husband with strict instructions to find me when he got the results and to schedule the ultrasound. He was freaked out with the responsibility. (It's true, I saw panic in his eyes.)
Oh, yeah, our first ultrasound? Tuesday, November 1st. I will be 6 weeks pregnant.
Pregnant! Did you hear that? I have to keep saying it to believe it. Wow.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Not so calm anymore
But for a whole different reason:
9dp5dt -- Beta 233
233!! :)
Yes, after POAS I was confident it would be positive. But, somehow I just didn't believe the sticks!
(The nurse was wonderful. She was the one I talked to on Saturday and, before she took my blood, she smiled coyly and said "when did you test? After I told you that on Saturday, right? And it was positive, wasn't it? Yeah, it's not my first time at the rodeo!" She gave me a huge hug as I was leaving. Have I said how much I love my RE's office?)
First step down. Repeat beta on Thursday.
Holy hand grenade. I'm pregnant.
9dp5dt -- Beta 233
233!! :)
Yes, after POAS I was confident it would be positive. But, somehow I just didn't believe the sticks!
(The nurse was wonderful. She was the one I talked to on Saturday and, before she took my blood, she smiled coyly and said "when did you test? After I told you that on Saturday, right? And it was positive, wasn't it? Yeah, it's not my first time at the rodeo!" She gave me a huge hug as I was leaving. Have I said how much I love my RE's office?)
First step down. Repeat beta on Thursday.
Holy hand grenade. I'm pregnant.
Calmer
Spotting stopped yesterday afternoon. So far so good.
*Insert giant sigh of relief.*
And, thank you for all your reassurances. I swear I don't mean to be a neurotic mess.
(But, I'm warning you now that I probably will be.)
Part of my problem yesterday was that I made a boneheaded mistake Sunday night and I was just feeling really off and stupid. A former colleague and his wife (close friends who moved away in August) were in town -- the husband just for a day, the wife for the rest of the week. Another friend invited us over for dinner with them Sunday night. The invite came several weeks ago and my DH and I had RSVP'd and were planning on going. We even talked about it on Saturday and how we were going to go for a while no matter what -- even if I felt bad from the OHSS.
And then, well, Sunday was kind of a big day -- you know, the BFP and all. :) And, I was cleaning as much as I could all day (we've got houseguests coming this weekend) and I felt kind of like crap. I'm OK-ish in the mornings, I look 4 months pregnant, but I can at least breathe and walk. But, by the end of the day, my stomach is hard as a rock, I can't button my pants (pants that were two sizes too big last week), it hurts to walk and I get short of breath. Somehow, with all of that, I just completely forgot about the dinner!
And, I felt horrible. SO embarrassed. There was just supposed to be one other couple there besides the hosts and the guests of honor. I felt like they must have assumed we didn't care -- which couldn't have been further from the truth because I miss them and was so excited to see them! When I was getting into bed, I suddenly remembered, and immediately sent e-mail apologies to all of them. I called my DH at work and he couldn't believe he'd forgotten, too. He kept telling me it was OK and that "we've got a lot going on right now." But, they don't know about any of it, so have no idea that we weren't just being rude. It made me so upset. That sort of giant social faux pas always puts me off kilter for a while.
So, in the morning, I was still feeling "off." Then, I saw blood.
Anyhow...
Yeah, you're probably hoping for a beta update. Well, not for a while. Because of class, I can't get to the doctor's office until 2 this afternoon, so we're all going to have to keep waiting... They offered me to have the blood drawn in town, but I'm doctorless at the moment. I am not going back to the OB who was so callous during my miscarriage, and I don't want to go through the hassle of trying to explain what's going on to a new OB until things are a little bit further along. And, we've had really bad luck with the hospital lab in town. So, I'd rather make the trip. Besides, I'd like to chat with them a bit about the OHSS in person as well and make sure that I'm doing OK and that gatorade and salt are still the only things I need to worry about.
So, eventually, this will be a double post kind of day. With good news. I'm feeling confident of that.
*Insert giant sigh of relief.*
And, thank you for all your reassurances. I swear I don't mean to be a neurotic mess.
(But, I'm warning you now that I probably will be.)
Part of my problem yesterday was that I made a boneheaded mistake Sunday night and I was just feeling really off and stupid. A former colleague and his wife (close friends who moved away in August) were in town -- the husband just for a day, the wife for the rest of the week. Another friend invited us over for dinner with them Sunday night. The invite came several weeks ago and my DH and I had RSVP'd and were planning on going. We even talked about it on Saturday and how we were going to go for a while no matter what -- even if I felt bad from the OHSS.
And then, well, Sunday was kind of a big day -- you know, the BFP and all. :) And, I was cleaning as much as I could all day (we've got houseguests coming this weekend) and I felt kind of like crap. I'm OK-ish in the mornings, I look 4 months pregnant, but I can at least breathe and walk. But, by the end of the day, my stomach is hard as a rock, I can't button my pants (pants that were two sizes too big last week), it hurts to walk and I get short of breath. Somehow, with all of that, I just completely forgot about the dinner!
And, I felt horrible. SO embarrassed. There was just supposed to be one other couple there besides the hosts and the guests of honor. I felt like they must have assumed we didn't care -- which couldn't have been further from the truth because I miss them and was so excited to see them! When I was getting into bed, I suddenly remembered, and immediately sent e-mail apologies to all of them. I called my DH at work and he couldn't believe he'd forgotten, too. He kept telling me it was OK and that "we've got a lot going on right now." But, they don't know about any of it, so have no idea that we weren't just being rude. It made me so upset. That sort of giant social faux pas always puts me off kilter for a while.
So, in the morning, I was still feeling "off." Then, I saw blood.
Anyhow...
Yeah, you're probably hoping for a beta update. Well, not for a while. Because of class, I can't get to the doctor's office until 2 this afternoon, so we're all going to have to keep waiting... They offered me to have the blood drawn in town, but I'm doctorless at the moment. I am not going back to the OB who was so callous during my miscarriage, and I don't want to go through the hassle of trying to explain what's going on to a new OB until things are a little bit further along. And, we've had really bad luck with the hospital lab in town. So, I'd rather make the trip. Besides, I'd like to chat with them a bit about the OHSS in person as well and make sure that I'm doing OK and that gatorade and salt are still the only things I need to worry about.
So, eventually, this will be a double post kind of day. With good news. I'm feeling confident of that.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Nervous
Thank you, ladies, so much for the outpouring of congratulations. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
I tested again today and it was still positive. And, the line is darker, I think.
But...
I also started to spot this morning. Red spotting mixed in with the remnants of the progesterone suppositories.
And, I'm feeling crampy -- and not the same as OHSS crampy (which is still there). AF-like crampy.
I *know* spotting can mean nothing. I know several women who have spotted and/or bled quite a bit at the beginning of a pregnancy and gone on to have healthy pregnancies.
But, it doesn't make me any less nervous.
Not much I can do, now, but wait until tomorrow and see what happens.
I'm just a little scared. I feel like I jinxed myself.
I tested again today and it was still positive. And, the line is darker, I think.
But...
I also started to spot this morning. Red spotting mixed in with the remnants of the progesterone suppositories.
And, I'm feeling crampy -- and not the same as OHSS crampy (which is still there). AF-like crampy.
I *know* spotting can mean nothing. I know several women who have spotted and/or bled quite a bit at the beginning of a pregnancy and gone on to have healthy pregnancies.
But, it doesn't make me any less nervous.
Not much I can do, now, but wait until tomorrow and see what happens.
I'm just a little scared. I feel like I jinxed myself.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The stick's allure was too strong
 |
| October 16, 2011 -- 7dp5dt |
My DH called while he was out yesterday afternoon and asked me what brand of tests I wanted. I think he knew that, given the OHSS, my resolve not to POAS was quickly dwindling. (The man actually bought a pack of pregnancy tests!) I woke up this morning at 4 am desperately needing to pee. I kept trying to ignore it because I knew if I got up I'd have to POAS and then I'd never get back to sleep -- no matter what the result. The second line popped up almost immediately. I just stood there staring.
I tried to go back to sleep. That didn't work. I meditated. That didn't help. I finally got up and went downstairs to distract my brain with mindless TV.
When my DH came down at 8, he assumed I'd either not tested or that it was negative because I didn't wake him up. He laughed when I said I'd been up since 4 am.
We're cautiously optimistic and waiting for the official beta on Tuesday.
But, OMG, one giant step down!
(It felt like it called for an "OMG." :) )
Eep!!!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
6dp5dt
I am so bloated. I've gained more than 5 pounds in the past two days, all in my abdomen, and I look around 4 months pregnant. It gets worse as the day goes on -- I can barely eat anything and at night it's hard to breathe. It seems like I've probably developed OHSS. Which is not particularly surprising given my history. But, blah, I feel like a beach ball rolling around the house!
So far it isn't bad but I called the nurse to see when I should be worried and what I should do -- because everything on-line gives contradictory advice -- more salt, less salt, more protein, less protein. She basically said that as long as my urine output is still good, I'm OK, but to keep an eye on my weight and keep in touch. She said to eat more salt (which just seems weird since usually when you're bloated that's the opposite advice, but it's a different type of fluid retention) and to keep them updated especially if I go up 10 pounds.
(There was a confusing moment because they somehow forgot to weigh me before this cycle started and the last weight they had on me was in June and I'd lost about 10 pounds since then. So, to her records, I've actually lost 5 pounds rather than gaining 5.)
Then she confided that from her experience this is a good sign. Which I'm trying to ignore. That OHSS typically comes from increases in HCG. And, I'm trying not to think about that. Because I will not test until the Tuesday beta and I don't want to think about it because it could also just be my natural propensity toward OHSS and tendency to over respond to progesterone.
My DH, who is firmly anti-testing, even asked why I hadn't tested, yet.
Because I, intentionally, have no tests in the house!! I won't do it!!
-----------------------------
Today is October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As I cradle the little ticks in my belly and hope that they are digging in and causing all this discomfort, I remember my spider baby who would have been 10 months old if he'd been able to stick around. I miss you very much little one.
(It only just occurred to me that spiders and ticks are related.)
Today I think about all of you and the babies you've lost. As well as the babies that have never been. Much love to all of you.
So far it isn't bad but I called the nurse to see when I should be worried and what I should do -- because everything on-line gives contradictory advice -- more salt, less salt, more protein, less protein. She basically said that as long as my urine output is still good, I'm OK, but to keep an eye on my weight and keep in touch. She said to eat more salt (which just seems weird since usually when you're bloated that's the opposite advice, but it's a different type of fluid retention) and to keep them updated especially if I go up 10 pounds.
(There was a confusing moment because they somehow forgot to weigh me before this cycle started and the last weight they had on me was in June and I'd lost about 10 pounds since then. So, to her records, I've actually lost 5 pounds rather than gaining 5.)
Then she confided that from her experience this is a good sign. Which I'm trying to ignore. That OHSS typically comes from increases in HCG. And, I'm trying not to think about that. Because I will not test until the Tuesday beta and I don't want to think about it because it could also just be my natural propensity toward OHSS and tendency to over respond to progesterone.
My DH, who is firmly anti-testing, even asked why I hadn't tested, yet.
Because I, intentionally, have no tests in the house!! I won't do it!!
-----------------------------
Today is October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As I cradle the little ticks in my belly and hope that they are digging in and causing all this discomfort, I remember my spider baby who would have been 10 months old if he'd been able to stick around. I miss you very much little one.
(It only just occurred to me that spiders and ticks are related.)
Today I think about all of you and the babies you've lost. As well as the babies that have never been. Much love to all of you.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Howdy
4dp5dt! Five days until testing!
I have been wanting to write that kind of code for SO long. :)
What's going on? Progesterone is putting me on edge. Yesterday I wrote a whole post about the things my husband has been doing that have been making me nuts. It was just to vent and I realized that it totally just sounded whiny since it ignored all the wonderful things he was doing, so I got rid of it.
Tuesday was our 3rd anniversary! :) We postponed celebrating until yesterday because we're in *gasp* a big city for a meeting and they have...wait for it...restaurant choices!! Woohoo!! When I called to make a reservation, they asked if we were celebrating anything and I said "No...oh, wait! Yes! It's our anniversary!" (My brain had blanked.) It was nice because then, at the restaurant, everyone kept saying "Happy Anniversary" and they gave us dessert. It was just a lot of fun.
I overdid it last night trying to walk back to the hotel. I guess everything is still a little sore and I hadn't been doing much of anything, and suddenly I just got really tired and achy. So, we just kind of slowed way down and waddled back. My DH has been so sweet and so supportive. He is taking care of me and keeps holding and kissing my tummy. So, I'm taking it easy today. At some point I'm going to wander around shopping a bit (my husband is the one with the meeting -- I'm on fall break! ;) ) But, I definitely need to remember that I should relax.
My breasts are killing me. That started the day of retrieval (before even starting the prog suppositories). Everything else that I'm feeling (tired, slightly nauseous) started before the transfer even happened -- so, yeah, I think we can assign it to progesterone and not baby!
So far the wait isn't too bad. The distraction of being out of town for a few days (in a wonderful hotel) is good. I'm just trying to stay calm and keep my mind off of it all.
It's kind of tough to do.
Hmm...not the world's most interesting post. But, there you go!
I have been wanting to write that kind of code for SO long. :)
What's going on? Progesterone is putting me on edge. Yesterday I wrote a whole post about the things my husband has been doing that have been making me nuts. It was just to vent and I realized that it totally just sounded whiny since it ignored all the wonderful things he was doing, so I got rid of it.
Tuesday was our 3rd anniversary! :) We postponed celebrating until yesterday because we're in *gasp* a big city for a meeting and they have...wait for it...restaurant choices!! Woohoo!! When I called to make a reservation, they asked if we were celebrating anything and I said "No...oh, wait! Yes! It's our anniversary!" (My brain had blanked.) It was nice because then, at the restaurant, everyone kept saying "Happy Anniversary" and they gave us dessert. It was just a lot of fun.
I overdid it last night trying to walk back to the hotel. I guess everything is still a little sore and I hadn't been doing much of anything, and suddenly I just got really tired and achy. So, we just kind of slowed way down and waddled back. My DH has been so sweet and so supportive. He is taking care of me and keeps holding and kissing my tummy. So, I'm taking it easy today. At some point I'm going to wander around shopping a bit (my husband is the one with the meeting -- I'm on fall break! ;) ) But, I definitely need to remember that I should relax.
My breasts are killing me. That started the day of retrieval (before even starting the prog suppositories). Everything else that I'm feeling (tired, slightly nauseous) started before the transfer even happened -- so, yeah, I think we can assign it to progesterone and not baby!
So far the wait isn't too bad. The distraction of being out of town for a few days (in a wonderful hotel) is good. I'm just trying to stay calm and keep my mind off of it all.
It's kind of tough to do.
Hmm...not the world's most interesting post. But, there you go!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Are you in there little fetus?
Thoughts from the couch:
- Yes, I know they're not fetuses (feti?), yet. It's just I was watching the Phoebe-becomes-a-surrogate Friends episode and I'd totally forgotten about one of my favorite Phoebe songs which I can now no longer get out of my head.
Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas.
- My DH watched the relevant IVF parts of the show with me and he was just aghast. It's so funny to watch him now that he's so knowledgeable about all the IF stuff have the same reactions that I've been having all along to how IF and IVF, etc. are portrayed on TV and in the movies. He kept saying "5 embryos? A 25 % chance that a single one will take? What?! And, are you kidding me, this is the first time she's even heard about the number of embryos or the likelihood it will work? Where are all the consent forms and paperwork? And, really? A positive pregnancy test the next day? Yeah right." It made me chuckle.
- Of course, I realize that this was 1998, but still. Five embryos?
- (Also, I'd forgotten how much I love the rest of that episode where the guys and girls have the bet about who knows whom better.)
- This afternoon I have a work meeting from my couch! I lucked out (well, maybe not since if it was happening in person I could have skipped it) that my boss had already decided to try out a Google Hangout for the meeting. The awkward thing is that he knows exactly why I'm home on the couch. He's a good friend of my DH's and is the only person in town who actually knows what's going on. And, my DH has been giving him specific updates. So, it will be a bunch of us chatting on-line about the advantages of using mobile computing in the classroom (hence the on-line meeting) where he'll know what's going on while all the others will have no idea and I have a feeling it will be killing him not to ask how things are going. And, I'm going to have to figure out how to answer the questions of "where are you?" from the rest of them.
- The word of the day in the e-mail I get was "Sustain." I am currently sustaining my embryos.
- Speaking of embryos... we got the call from the embryologist that we were able to freeze one embryo. The one that was a morula yesterday is now a Grade I expanded blast. So, yay for our little frozen tot!
- Other than that, just hanging out. :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
PUPO!
Ladies, please allow me to introduce you to my two little embabies!!
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| On the left -- early blast. On the right -- expanded blast that is starting to hatch |
My husband keeps referring to them as "the ticks," (because we hope they'll latch on and start acting like parasites) but we've got to come up with a better name than that when (yes, I said WHEN) these stick.
Today we had four growing embies left. We transferred a Grade I early blast and a Grade I/II expanded blast that has started to hatch. (The embryologist said she had to call it a II because it looks like there are a few dark spots/dead cells in the center, but she thinks it's actually good otherwise.) (Again, Grade I is the highest for my clinic -- why can't these places be consistent? My husband was convinced we were doomed because he was reading a website where a Grade I was the lowest...)
Tomorrow we'll hear the status of our other two embies -- one is a Grade I morula and the other is a Grade II/III early blast. If we're lucky, we'll be able to freeze at least one.
The transfer went really well. I listened to C+B on the way down so was super-relaxed when we got there. The wonderful IVF nurse (who I love) led us back and gave us our outfits. My DH highly enjoyed his hat, mask and shoe covers and has taken them home for a Halloween outfit. He looked hilarious in shorts with shoe covers over his Keens (it's really warm here). I got changed and we took pictures of each other while we waited for the embryologist. She came in and told us about the embryos and gave us the picture. I felt like I just wanted to hold it and keep staring at it. Can you love a microscopic bunch of nondescript cells?
A few minutes later, the nurse came back and said "well, it's noon. Dr. Smiles should be rolling into the office soon." My DH calls him Elvis. For both the ER and ET, everyone else -- multiple nurses, embryologist, etc. -- are there for a few hours ahead of time getting everything ready. Then, at the last moment, he runs into the office, says lots of positive things, then does whichever deed needs doing. You get the feeling that he psyches himself up for these things and needs to be separate from the preparation part. He told us today that last night he was watching youtube videos with inspiring messages about excellence.
We went into the operating room and I got set up in the stirrups. There's something very disconcerting about sitting in the middle of a room with your legs spread out up high in the air with three or four people just wandering about. And, of course, every single one of these people has already seen everything there is to see about me down there...but still. You feel a little weird. Especially when your husband and the doctor are just having a casual chat about Big 12 football and how they both wish Nebraska had lost to Ohio State yesterday because they are so angry at them for starting the disintegration of the Big 12...
My bladder was properly full and Dr. Smiles was incredibly excited about the view he had of my uterus. (He was incredibly excited in general.) I overheard the embryologist in the back room saying my full name multiple times. Then the nurse said it, too. Then Dr. Smiles said it. Then, he got everything into place and I closed my eyes and started breathing deeply because I didn't want to cramp up. Then, I saw the embryologist come back out and she said "I've got two embryos for Rebecca _____". (It's nice to know that they have about fifteen checks in place to make sure that they gave us our actual embryos.)
Then, on the u/s screen, they watched the fluid deposit right at the top of my uterus. The nurse moved a bit so I could see what was going on. I started to tear up a little. I didn't think that would be so emotional, but it was.
Dr. Smiles was beyond excited about how it went. He told us it was perfect and said to the nurses "That's worth coming in on a Sunday for, isn't it?" (I had totally forgotten it was a Sunday by this point...)
They sent they embryologist back with the catheter to rinse it a few times to make sure the embryos had made it out. After she confirmed it was empty, it was done. And, I just felt relief.
They moved me back to the recovery room and I settled in with my C+B, again. After, that is, my DH kissed my tummy. Twenty-five minutes later, the nurse came in and let me go to the bathroom. Then, we settled back in for another half hour of resting. It was so nice. Just a quiet, dimly lit room with my DH reading the paper and me calmly bopping along to the 80s channel that was playing in the background.
We scheduled my beta for October 18th (14 days post retrieval). The nurse said it was the best day of the year -- her birthday. (I've got to remember that when I go down there.) Because it's a Tuesday, I can't get there until the afternoon due to work requirements. (They offered to let me do the beta up here, but I just don't trust anyone but them nor do I want to hear the results from anyone else. I'd rather make the drive.) I have a feeling I'm going to be a bit of a nervous wreck at that point. My plan is not to POAS. We'll see how that goes.
The amazing thing is that October 18th is the day, 3 years ago, that AF showed up for the first time after going off the pill. So, just like Amanda, my beta is scheduled for the exact 3 year anniversary of when we started trying. Our 3-year wedding anniversary is this coming Tuesday the 11th. Seems like just the time when our little embies should be snuggling in.
Meanwhile, I'm camped out on the sofa. I've got some pineapple I cut up yesterday and some Brazil nuts that my husband carefully separated from two bags of mixed nuts last night because he couldn't find any by themselves (he's adorable). I've got my C+B meditations and a bunch of funny movies and sitcoms. (Later today, I'm DVR'ing the Friends episode where Phoebe becomes a surrogate. I figure it will definitely be good for a few laughs at all the errors! What did they transfer, 5 embryos? That they left in a petri dish on the table in front of her? And she tested positive later that day or the next, didn't she?) I keep putting my hand on my belly and sending all the love I have to my uterus.
Just nine days until we know.
Thanks to all of you for the support!!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Sunday it is!
As of today we've got:
3 8-cell Grade 1
1 8-cell Grade 2
1 3-cell (that looks like it is probably arresting)
(My clinic does a 1, 2, 3 grading system where 1 is the highest.)
So, because there are four to choose from, they want to see what goes to blast by Day 5 so they can pick the best one(s)!
Transfer is set for noon on Sunday!
I'm excited and nervous. Part of me wants to have hold of them right now but I'm very excited to hopefully choose the best ones on Day 5. And, hope that anything else might be able to freeze.
I'm planning on camping out on the sofa from Sunday until Tuesday at noon. I figure I'd rather do 48 hours bed rest than not do it and always wonder if it would have helped. I'm going to pre-record a lecture Saturday for my Monday class and I have no labs next week because we have fall break on Thursday and Friday. So, my only other responsibility next week is a lecture Wednesday morning. I'm going to be as relaxed the week post-transfer as is humanly possible!
Anybody have any transfer day tips?
3 8-cell Grade 1
1 8-cell Grade 2
1 3-cell (that looks like it is probably arresting)
(My clinic does a 1, 2, 3 grading system where 1 is the highest.)
So, because there are four to choose from, they want to see what goes to blast by Day 5 so they can pick the best one(s)!
Transfer is set for noon on Sunday!
I'm excited and nervous. Part of me wants to have hold of them right now but I'm very excited to hopefully choose the best ones on Day 5. And, hope that anything else might be able to freeze.
I'm planning on camping out on the sofa from Sunday until Tuesday at noon. I figure I'd rather do 48 hours bed rest than not do it and always wonder if it would have helped. I'm going to pre-record a lecture Saturday for my Monday class and I have no labs next week because we have fall break on Thursday and Friday. So, my only other responsibility next week is a lecture Wednesday morning. I'm going to be as relaxed the week post-transfer as is humanly possible!
Anybody have any transfer day tips?
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Looking good so far!
First of all, after my post yesterday, I want to make sure y'all didn't think I was unhappy with the five normal embies. I'm very excited about them and SO glad that we have 5 which is really an awesome number! If we'd started with 9 or 10 eggs I wouldn't have even blinked. I think it was just a bit of a shock to come down from the high of feeling like we had SO many possibilities the day before and then to hear that such a large majority fertilized abnormally. I had begun to suspect that an egg quality issue might be our problem -- even with my DH having a borderline HOST and morphology score this last analysis, everything else seemed to be fine or was also "borderline and uncertain" so it was the only thing my limited education on the subject could come up with. But, no matter how pessimistic I tend to be about things, an optimistic part of my brain has just kept thinking "well, of course I'll respond great and we'll get numbers of eggs and great embies that belie my age and then the transfer will be perfect and the embies will stick and we'll have to deal with the dilemma of what to do with ALL those perfect frozen blasts!"
So, hearing confirmation that this wasn't true sort of shocked my sensibilities. I started feeling discouraged. My DH, who is ALWAYS optimistic, felt pessimistic and somewhat downtrodden for the first time. He deals with statistics (for a living). The laws of probabilities for each of the next steps made starting with 5 not look so good. He's seemed a little nervous and "off" ever since. Which unnerved me a bit. He's not usually like that. The night before he'd had a series of e-mail exchanges with a friend of his from college who has a two year old from IVF. She's 43 or so, now, and, at 40, had 18 eggs retrieved and 18 eggs fertilized normally. And got pregnant on the first transfer with lots to freeze. And, she kept saying "Rebecca's only 36! That's so young!" She's now struggling to conceive a second -- her next fresh cycle led to lots of eggs but none fertilized and then a miscarriage after another ICSI cycle. So, I think he was comparing my cycle to her first one.
Anyway, the point of all of this is that I've felt a little nervous and "off," too. (Not at all hormonally related, I'm sure...)
But, yes, I was really happy about the five embies and sending all the hope and love I have to them and appreciate your doing so, too!!
.......
So, the report from the embryologist:
2 4-cell and 1 5-cell all three of which look "really, really good"
1 2-cell which looks "OK and isn't out, yet, may just be slow growing"
1 6-cell which looks "uneven, but it might just be what it was up to when I looked at it"
So, yay!! At least three are great and two are still possibilities!
She also said that the abnormal embies are starting to cleave as well (they're in a separate culture dish). She said that in rare cases, an abnormal embryo can "correct" itself. And, since we have nine of them, it's possible. So, they're going to keep an eye on them and see what happens and if any have made it to healthy blasts to possibly freeze. I'm a little uncertain that I'd want to use them -- it feels like we'd be setting ourselves up for triploidy. But, if it comes down to it, I'll talk to the docs and try to get a better sense of what those risks are because they obviously know more about that than I do.
As for transfer dates, we're still unsure. She's going to call me early in the morning tomorrow (day 3). If only two are still looking stellar (she said we want them to be even and up to 6-9 cells), we'll probably transfer in the afternoon and keep the rest until day 5 or 6 and decide if they're good to freeze. If more are looking good, then we'll push to a day 5 transfer (Sunday).
Part of me hopes it's tomorrow so I can start feeling like I'm keeping the embies safe!! Right now I feel so helpless. But, I obviously want as many to be looking good as possible, so I'm good with either scenario.
.......
My DH and I are close friends with a group of five siblings he knew in college. He's been the family's pseudo sixth sibling ever since. They, their parents and all their spouses and children were at our wedding (which constituted about 40 people of the 130 who were there). These are the friends who own the cabin in Minnesota that we go to sometimes. And, one sister is the one who was supposed to stay with us last weekend but (thankfully) rescheduled.
When he updated her on the status of the embies yesterday she said "I know you guys aren't religious, but we've got the entire clan praying. Mom's lighting a candle and having a ....(wish I knew the Catholic word) said for you guys. I hope you don't mind." He said (and so did I when he told me) "We'll take every prayer and positive thought you've got." This is the most wonderful family -- if anyone's got some clout in the universe, it's them. We'll take it! :)
So, hearing confirmation that this wasn't true sort of shocked my sensibilities. I started feeling discouraged. My DH, who is ALWAYS optimistic, felt pessimistic and somewhat downtrodden for the first time. He deals with statistics (for a living). The laws of probabilities for each of the next steps made starting with 5 not look so good. He's seemed a little nervous and "off" ever since. Which unnerved me a bit. He's not usually like that. The night before he'd had a series of e-mail exchanges with a friend of his from college who has a two year old from IVF. She's 43 or so, now, and, at 40, had 18 eggs retrieved and 18 eggs fertilized normally. And got pregnant on the first transfer with lots to freeze. And, she kept saying "Rebecca's only 36! That's so young!" She's now struggling to conceive a second -- her next fresh cycle led to lots of eggs but none fertilized and then a miscarriage after another ICSI cycle. So, I think he was comparing my cycle to her first one.
Anyway, the point of all of this is that I've felt a little nervous and "off," too. (Not at all hormonally related, I'm sure...)
But, yes, I was really happy about the five embies and sending all the hope and love I have to them and appreciate your doing so, too!!
.......
So, the report from the embryologist:
2 4-cell and 1 5-cell all three of which look "really, really good"
1 2-cell which looks "OK and isn't out, yet, may just be slow growing"
1 6-cell which looks "uneven, but it might just be what it was up to when I looked at it"
So, yay!! At least three are great and two are still possibilities!
She also said that the abnormal embies are starting to cleave as well (they're in a separate culture dish). She said that in rare cases, an abnormal embryo can "correct" itself. And, since we have nine of them, it's possible. So, they're going to keep an eye on them and see what happens and if any have made it to healthy blasts to possibly freeze. I'm a little uncertain that I'd want to use them -- it feels like we'd be setting ourselves up for triploidy. But, if it comes down to it, I'll talk to the docs and try to get a better sense of what those risks are because they obviously know more about that than I do.
As for transfer dates, we're still unsure. She's going to call me early in the morning tomorrow (day 3). If only two are still looking stellar (she said we want them to be even and up to 6-9 cells), we'll probably transfer in the afternoon and keep the rest until day 5 or 6 and decide if they're good to freeze. If more are looking good, then we'll push to a day 5 transfer (Sunday).
Part of me hopes it's tomorrow so I can start feeling like I'm keeping the embies safe!! Right now I feel so helpless. But, I obviously want as many to be looking good as possible, so I'm good with either scenario.
.......
My DH and I are close friends with a group of five siblings he knew in college. He's been the family's pseudo sixth sibling ever since. They, their parents and all their spouses and children were at our wedding (which constituted about 40 people of the 130 who were there). These are the friends who own the cabin in Minnesota that we go to sometimes. And, one sister is the one who was supposed to stay with us last weekend but (thankfully) rescheduled.
When he updated her on the status of the embies yesterday she said "I know you guys aren't religious, but we've got the entire clan praying. Mom's lighting a candle and having a ....(wish I knew the Catholic word) said for you guys. I hope you don't mind." He said (and so did I when he told me) "We'll take every prayer and positive thought you've got." This is the most wonderful family -- if anyone's got some clout in the universe, it's them. We'll take it! :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Thank goodness for high initial egg counts
Because, after ICSI of 15 mature eggs (one extra caught up yesterday), we only have 5 normally fertilized embryos.
The embryologist said "that's a bit less of a fertilization rate than we'd like to see."
You and me both!
Basically, 1 embryo didn't fertilize at all and 9 others fertilized abnormally -- containing far too much genetic information with multiple copies of genes. She said it can happen when the egg aborts development or when multiple sperm fertilize one egg. With ICSI, we know that multiple sperm isn't the problem.
She hasn't gotten confirmation from Dr. Smiles, yet, about whether this is something that is likely to happen with my eggs all the time or if it is an artifact of this particular stim cycle (he's in surgery this morning). So, I'll definitely ask her tomorrow what she found out from him.
But, if it turns out that this is something that my eggs are doing all the time, this looks like an explanation, doesn't it? If only 1/3 of my eggs have a chance of developing genetically normal embryos then that could say why I wouldn't be getting pregnant on my own. Or even with IUIs.
And, probably why I lost the one pregnancy I have been able to achieve.
But we have those 5 embryos. Five is a lot. I'm just crossing everything I've got that they start dividing normally and we have something to transfer.
Growth report tomorrow morning...
The embryologist said "that's a bit less of a fertilization rate than we'd like to see."
You and me both!
Basically, 1 embryo didn't fertilize at all and 9 others fertilized abnormally -- containing far too much genetic information with multiple copies of genes. She said it can happen when the egg aborts development or when multiple sperm fertilize one egg. With ICSI, we know that multiple sperm isn't the problem.
She hasn't gotten confirmation from Dr. Smiles, yet, about whether this is something that is likely to happen with my eggs all the time or if it is an artifact of this particular stim cycle (he's in surgery this morning). So, I'll definitely ask her tomorrow what she found out from him.
But, if it turns out that this is something that my eggs are doing all the time, this looks like an explanation, doesn't it? If only 1/3 of my eggs have a chance of developing genetically normal embryos then that could say why I wouldn't be getting pregnant on my own. Or even with IUIs.
And, probably why I lost the one pregnancy I have been able to achieve.
But we have those 5 embryos. Five is a lot. I'm just crossing everything I've got that they start dividing normally and we have something to transfer.
Growth report tomorrow morning...
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Holy egg count, Batman!
The tally is:
19 total eggs!
14 mature!
4 "on the cusp" of maturity that might mature before ICSI!
Wow!! Dr. Smiles did a fist pump he was so happy with the results.
All went really smoothly. Everyone at the office was, once again, wonderful. I love these people. The IVF nurse was great, as usual. And, the other main nurse who I hadn't seen in a while was all excited to see me and gave me a big hug afterward. The anesthesiologist and I sat and chatted beforehand about students I know that he knows, too (after apologizing for the jabs trying to get the IV running -- honestly, I didn't even notice). No complications from the drugs -- still feeling kinda relaxed. It's pleasant. :)
Definitely feel like someone took a stabby tool and went after my ovaries, but not too bad so far. Now I'm just going to hang out on the sofa and catch up on my blog reading and relax!
First fertilization report tomorrow morning!
I can't tell you what a wonderful warm fuzzy feeling I had inside as I re-read all of your comments before we headed out to the doctor's office this morning. It was amazing knowing that so many people around the country (and world for that matter!) were thinking of me. Thank you all so much for being there.
(Not to mention that I couldn't get "The eggs'll come out, tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be eggs!" out of my head all night! :) Thanks, Oak!)
19 total eggs!
14 mature!
4 "on the cusp" of maturity that might mature before ICSI!
Wow!! Dr. Smiles did a fist pump he was so happy with the results.
All went really smoothly. Everyone at the office was, once again, wonderful. I love these people. The IVF nurse was great, as usual. And, the other main nurse who I hadn't seen in a while was all excited to see me and gave me a big hug afterward. The anesthesiologist and I sat and chatted beforehand about students I know that he knows, too (after apologizing for the jabs trying to get the IV running -- honestly, I didn't even notice). No complications from the drugs -- still feeling kinda relaxed. It's pleasant. :)
Definitely feel like someone took a stabby tool and went after my ovaries, but not too bad so far. Now I'm just going to hang out on the sofa and catch up on my blog reading and relax!
First fertilization report tomorrow morning!
I can't tell you what a wonderful warm fuzzy feeling I had inside as I re-read all of your comments before we headed out to the doctor's office this morning. It was amazing knowing that so many people around the country (and world for that matter!) were thinking of me. Thank you all so much for being there.
(Not to mention that I couldn't get "The eggs'll come out, tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be eggs!" out of my head all night! :) Thanks, Oak!)
Monday, October 3, 2011
Random thoughts before retrieval
- Retrieval is tomorrow morning!
- Triggered last night. Boy do I feel bloaty. Walking is not fun.
- You know, it is weird to me that you can't tell from the outside when someone is going through IVF. I mean, I feel like my belly should be sticking out and looking all bulgy. But, in reality, it looks completely normal. I'm waddling like I'm 9 months pregnant, though.
- Yesterday I started wondering if anyone else in my town of 17,000 is going through IVF right now. I know others in the town have had kids through IVF, but I wonder if anyone is currently going through it. It was just a strange thought. (Those of you in large cities probably don't "get" this because obviously someone else is going through it.) "Hi" if you're out there...
- My DH finally admitted that he's feeling nervous about this. He just really wants us to get a good number of eggs so we have a chance of a frozen transfer later if we need it. So do I. The uncertainty is killing me. I just have to keep reminding myself that what we really want is *the* one.
- He's also a little nervous about "performing." I keep telling him if he could do it under the worst circumstances, he's fine. And, besides, we've got the back-up sample just in case...(And, I really think he'll be fine.)
- He's so cute because he's been clinging to his "How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup" and giving me all sorts of updates from it. He had new tips about giving the trigger shot last night. That was, of course, before he once again made all sorts of sad puppy sounds at having to give it. I realize it's a pretty big needle in comparison to the sub-cutaneous ones I used for stims, but seriously, let it go. You've done this 7 times before and I'm the one with all the pressure to mix it correctly and it's not like you've ever hurt me with it or that I even wince. Just be thankful I'm using suppositories and not PIO for progesterone support and move on!
- We'll be staying in a hotel tonight so we can get to the RE's office early tomorrow morning. It's a good thing because it will force us to relax -- no cleaning, no cooking, no working. Just lying on the bed watching TV.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday is the day!
Today's update: two follies at about 18 or 20 mm with a few more around 15 and multiple others at about 12 mm. Lining looked good (around 8 or 9 mm, I think).
The nurse seemed a little concerned about the follies. She said on the day of the trigger we were looking for about 2 at 18 and then as many at 15 as possible. After my E2 and progesterone came back (1446 and 0.3 respectively) she said all was good, though.
So, tonight is another syringe of ganirelix and three vials of menopur. Tomorrow is the same. She's calling me tomorrow morning once she looks at their schedule and the trigger will be Sunday night with retrieval scheduled for Tuesday morning!
(Which, impressively, is actually October 4th -- the date she predicted when we first started scheduling this. She's good.)
Oh, and then she gave me her cell phone number to call her if I have any questions about the injections for the next few nights. She said she wanted to make sure I wasn't worried about anything over the next few days. What a wonderful nurse, huh?
Those bigger follies were worrying me with the others lagging behind, but it seems like everything should be good. Part of me was disappointed she didn't want to do another scan on Sunday but I think it's probably better that I DON'T get another report to obsess over. I just want as many follies as we can get. I know on this protocol we expect a smaller number than on others, but I'd still like to have some options when it comes down to it. And, we'd really like to have something to freeze.
Anyway, that's really just my obsessiveness talking. I'm letting go of this and trusting my doctor and my nurse and my body.
Holy crap! I'm having an egg retrieval on Tuesday! Insanity.
The nurse seemed a little concerned about the follies. She said on the day of the trigger we were looking for about 2 at 18 and then as many at 15 as possible. After my E2 and progesterone came back (1446 and 0.3 respectively) she said all was good, though.
So, tonight is another syringe of ganirelix and three vials of menopur. Tomorrow is the same. She's calling me tomorrow morning once she looks at their schedule and the trigger will be Sunday night with retrieval scheduled for Tuesday morning!
(Which, impressively, is actually October 4th -- the date she predicted when we first started scheduling this. She's good.)
Oh, and then she gave me her cell phone number to call her if I have any questions about the injections for the next few nights. She said she wanted to make sure I wasn't worried about anything over the next few days. What a wonderful nurse, huh?
Those bigger follies were worrying me with the others lagging behind, but it seems like everything should be good. Part of me was disappointed she didn't want to do another scan on Sunday but I think it's probably better that I DON'T get another report to obsess over. I just want as many follies as we can get. I know on this protocol we expect a smaller number than on others, but I'd still like to have some options when it comes down to it. And, we'd really like to have something to freeze.
Anyway, that's really just my obsessiveness talking. I'm letting go of this and trusting my doctor and my nurse and my body.
Holy crap! I'm having an egg retrieval on Tuesday! Insanity.
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