Thank you

Phew.

Thank you all so much for your incredibly well thought out replies to my question.   Seriously, you all rock.  It's funny, it made me somewhat uncomfortable.  Normally when I post I eagerly check my e-mail to see what people have had to say and await comments.  This time, I was truly nervous about reading your replies and winced a bit each time I saw a message pop up.  And, even reading through some of them made me uncomfortable.  Not because any of you said anything offensive or "wrong" or whatever.  But, because your responses have made me think more deeply about my "issues" and why I respond to things the way I do.  It makes me realize that I hold tight to some control that is a little silly and only doing myself harm in the end.

I have to say that a big part of the reason I posted my question on Sunday was that I wanted to forgive and try to move forward with H but I was afraid that I was being foolish for doing so. So, hearing so many responses to talk to her and give her another chance made me feel much better. There was a point where I was certain that all I would hear was people saying "you're crazy for letting her back in your house" and I was almost afraid to pose the question assuming others would jump down my throat.

To be clear, while the whole situation concerned us, we realize that the infraction itself was pretty minor.  What bothered us the most was her specifically ignoring our instructions ("the babies are down for the night, we're working on sleep training so, if they cry, wait a few minutes and then go in to soothe them and walk away") and then blatantly lying to us when we came back and asked her how it went ("they were fine, D had a moment where he cried out but he fell back asleep without my even going in the room"). That sets a scary precedent. How can I ever know that she's telling me the truth about what went on with the kids while I was gone?

As many mentioned, it is clear that H loves the boys and loves spending time with them. She would never do anything to put them in harm's way. And, they never were in danger or being exploited.

But, yeah, we've talked with her and she was mortified. And incredibly upset that she had broken our trust. Now, I still tend to feel a bit wary of the whole thing because, really, shouldn't she have realized that she was breaking our trust at the time? But, I will chalk it up to her just being young and inexperienced and likely in a sad place and not thinking things through completely. My husband did the "confrontation" part while I was upstairs pumping and H was obviously upset. She then voluntarily apologized to me and was in tears while she did it talking about how much she loves the boys and how sorry she is and how she would never hurt them.  It does not appear anyone else was there.  I still don't know how she got them to look at the camera -- maybe I should ask her for tips?

I do believe that she was sorry and just didn't realize how important it is that we can trust that she'll do what we ask and will tell us the truth. We're giving her another chance and she is grateful and I feel better.

I will forgive this but I will not be likely to forget it.  It will still take a while for me to be completely comfortable again. But, I do still trust that she will take good care of the boys. 

We did wait until we'd put a little distance between the event.  As my husband said, if we'd come back early and walked in on her that way, she'd likely have been kicked out immediately. 

It brings up an interesting point about privacy and Facebook and the differences in how we "old folk" feel about social media and how "young people today" do. (I'm being facetious -- I know that how people feel about sharing on social media is not entirely a generational difference.) I mean, obviously, I share pictures with you of the boys -- somewhat warily. But, they are not identified by name (their names were out there once but, for the most part, removed, and never by last name). If you really wanted to, you could figure out who I am and who they are.  But, I don't think you'd come by the information accidentally.  And, actually, my husband and I don't really post pictures of them on Facebook -- he just posted two pictures of them a few days ago for the first time since they were born along with a wedding picture as an "oh, yeah, look what I've been up to for the last four and a half years" thing. We're just not FB "sharers." 

We have been talking with the babysitters about social media and the boys.  We hadn't had THE talk with them before -- our mistake as it was something we'd been meaning to do but hadn't managed to do somehow.  It should obviously have been something we were more upfront with them about.  So, that's why we realize we can't be too angry with her about the posting part of the incident. 

As for the trust issues and the rest of it all...  I just don't know.  I know that my problems with having people over or letting people "in" are big ones for me that I need to let go of.  It's part of the reason that I've felt so very lonely lately.  My closest friends here have moved away and my "close" long-distance friends and I have grown apart.  I don't seem to have anyone "on deck" to replace them and can't figure out how to find new friends.  It's all been magnified since I've been off work -- all of my social interactions seemed to happen with people at work. 

Staying at home can be a very lonely time.  My husband often goes back to work in the evenings before I go to bed so he can make sure his classes are ready for the next day.  He doesn't understand that the reason I want him to stay home is because I've spent the entire day playing with babies and I just want to have a conversation where the other person isn't saying "a-da" or "mmm-mmmum" in response to everything I say.  Sometimes I stay up later than I should after he's back for the night just so I can interact with him. 

That sounds kind of pitiful.  It makes it sound like I'm dependent on him and like he is trying to get away from me or something.  I don't think that's true it's just been a big change since the boys have come.  Way-back-when we both used to get home pretty late from work, hang out in the evenings while I graded or prepped until I went to bed around 10 or 11 and then he'd bike back to work until midnight or 1 (he's a night owl but hates to work at home and we live 4 blocks away) to make sure he was ready for class the next day.  So, he's really just trying to adjust his schedule so he can be home with me and the boys as much as possible (home around 5) then go back to work after 7 or 8 and then be back in time so that I can go to bed at a normal time for me and he can be "on call" with the boys until going to bed at a normal time for him.  I do miss our alone times, though.

Anyway, I hope that as the boys get older we start to interact with more people in town.  We're not religious (and, specifically, I'm not Christian and that's really the only religious community option around here) so we haven't met people through church.  I've never been big on "mommy groups" although I feel like, at some point, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and join one. 

OK, so I got totally off topic there.  Well, not really as it is all related.  Sort of.  In a way. 

Apparently it's just something I needed to talk about.

Anyway, thank you all again.  You made me feel better about my decision and you made me think about uncomfortable things that need some of my attention.  That's a good thing.

What would you do?

We've had a bit of situation and my head and my heart are at odds.

I'll start this by saying that I am someone who doesn't trust easily.  I don't open myself and my home literally or metaphorically to people very easily.  I do not like having people in my house.  My anxiety peaks and I break into a cold sweat.  It takes many, many visits before I finally feel comfortable.  I don't really like going to other people's homes, either, but I hate the thought of people coming to mine.  It's silly, really.  I mean, when I go to friends' houses, I don't judge their cleaning or anything like that.  And, I know the people who are my real friends don't judge me that way, either.  But, even if my house is spic and span (which hasn't happened in a long, long time given babies and high risk pregnancy and, well, general laziness), I just don't like having people in my house.  I HATE when people just "pop by" and don't give me a chance to prepare myself mentally. 

This is all especially true when I'm not there.  I don't like people stopping by to take care of the cat.  When the babies came early and we were away for months and friends came to our house to help finish the nursery, I just tried not to think about it.  They were doing such an amazing, wonderful thing and all I could think was "don't panic, don't think of them in your house."

I realize this is a problem and I'm working on it.  We have friends who come by at least once a week, now.  I've been working on not feeling so violated or anxious or worried about WHAT SOMEONE WILL THINK OF ME.

I'm sure there's some deep psychological issue here.  I'd tend to blame it on my father who expected me to be perfect and tended to yell or kick me out of his house if I wasn't the perfect daughter he wanted to put on display for his girlfriends or friends or colleagues.  (I remember a 93 on an exam that caused him to have a fit once.)  (And people wonder why I haven't seen him in more than two decades.)

My husband, on the other hand, is the opposite.  He's all about the "we were in the neighborhood, let's just stop by."  He doesn't feel worried about the state of the house or what anyone will think of him.  He doesn't have my issues.

All this to say that it has been an amazing feat of strength for me to have babysitters coming to the house for the past five months to take care of the boys.  I'm not a fan of them being there whether I'm there or not, really.  We have five college students who have assigned times that they come by.  Last semester, I would just use the time to get things done around the house or go shopping or go to the pool or, most often, just manage to get a shower and pump in peace.  Sometimes I'd just go to McDonald's and have a smoothie and do a crossword puzzle.  This semester, I rush out of the house as soon as they get there so I can get to work and have two or three hours to accomplish something.  They come on the weekends, too, because sometimes that's the only time I can get something done at the office. 

And, I'd say I'm doing really well with all of it.  I've gotten comfortable with them.  I trust them.  I know they care about the boys and I know they will take care of them.  I've watched how they interact and I know that, honestly, sometimes they are doing better than I am -- they're young and energetic and only playing with babies for 2 to 4 hours a week while I'm old and sleep deprived and playing with babies 12 hours a day.

We've had a few of them come by occasionally in the evening after the boys go down for the night so we can go out on a "date."  (It was the first time I felt like a real "adult" when I was talking with a babysitter after my children were asleep for the night. It reminded me of when I babysat when I was in high school.)

(I'm getting somewhere with this, I really am.  No one ever said that I was capable of being succinct.)

So, you know, I'm not the most trusting individual.  And, if I manage to let you in and you break that trust, I tend to write you off.  I'm not big on second chances.  That's probably not really fair.  But, it's how I am.  (See above mention of not having spoken to my father in two decades.)

Of our five sitters, there is one who we have liked and trusted the most.  We love how she interacts with the boys.  I've enjoyed talking with her.  She's very sweet and we like her a lot.  She's the one who went to Iowa with us in October.  She was legitimately teary-eyed when she left for Winter Break knowing that she was going to miss an entire month of the boys' development.  She thanks us profusely every time she gets even just an hour and a half with the twins. It truly seems to make her day.  My husband was practically ready to clean out a room in the house and hire her as a live-in nanny.  She's the type of sitter you dream of.  Let's call her H.

On Thursday, H came to sit with the boys so we could go out for dinner.  It was Valentine's Day, but we had actually asked if there was some other day in the week she could come, assuming she'd have plans for V-Day as we don't actually celebrate Valentine's but just wanted a night out.  Turns out she'd just recently broken up with her boyfriend (which is very sad), so she was free.  My husband joked with her that she'd have two men for a "hot date."  Of course, in reality, she'd be coming by after the boys were down for the night and would just be hanging out for two hours washing some bottles for us then doing homework or watching TV.  She's said many times that she enjoys night sitting even though she misses playing with the boys because it's a quiet place to study.

When we came back on Thursday night, we asked how the boys were.  D has been having some gas/constipation issues and occasionally waking up an hour or two after bedtime screaming for a bit and needing to be soothed.  She said he'd cried for a minute or so but calmed himself down and she didn't even have to go in to see him.  We thanked her, paid her and said we'd see her on Saturday.

Friday afternoon, our next babysitter came by for her shift.  She was laughing and said she'd seen the cutest thing on H's facebook (they're mostly just FB friends but do know each other in real life).  She proceeded to show me a picture of H sitting in between D and S all smiling at the camera with the caption "my hot Valentine's dates!"  "They've had 51 likes saying how cute they are!"

My face turned bright red as I recognized the outfit she'd worn the night before.  And, the gray shirts the boys were wearing -- shirts they had never worn before Thursday night.

In other words, she WOKE THEM UP, got them out of their swaddle sacks, posed them in their bumbos and took a picture.  Then, posted it on FB.

(And, wait a minute.  How did she get them to look at the camera when she was in between them?  Did she put a toy there that flashed and jingled?  Was someone else there?  We've met her sister and she's helped her out once.  And, we've told her that her sister is welcome to come by to help -- but only if she tells us in advance that she'll be there.)

I was livid.  I was gobsmacked. I think I was pretty good at not letting the other sitter know that this wasn't actually OK.  I calmly had the sitter show my husband the picture ("look how cute this is!") and, after we walked out the door, I said "we have to fire H." She not only did something exactly opposite of what we told her to do but she blatantly lied about it to us.

So, yeah, I'm ready to let her go.

But... my husband is ready to give her a second chance.  He's been talking to his "mommy friends" (his sister and close friend who is like a big sister to him that he talks to at least twice a week seeking parenting advice) and they both said "good babysitters are hard to come by -- 21 year olds make mistakes -- we've had to talk to sitters before about inappropriate actions -- she probably just didn't realize how much of a violation it is -- wouldn't you want a second chance if you made a big mistake at a job when you were 21?" 

But, my trust is broken.  How can I believe her?  And, we just happened to come across this.  The pictures aren't on her public wall, so we assume she posted it "privately."

Here's the truth -- the children were never put in harm's way.  I still trust that she will take care of them.  I trust that she won't hurt them.  I believe that she has no idea that this would be such a big deal.  It's not even that she woke them up (although, believe me, it is that -- sleep training is nothing to mess with!!) it's that she lied about it.  (And, if it turns out that there was someone else there, then IT IS THAT.)  And, honestly, I believe that once she realizes how much it hurt us to find out about this, she will be very upset.  I do *think* that I know her that well -- but maybe not. 

And, of course, it makes me trust all the rest of the sitters less.  It breaks down the work that I've done for the past 5 months letting other people into my home to take care of my children while I'm not there.  I have to trust these people -- I have to work.  And, truly, I need to work.  I need some time away. 

All of the sitters we have came with references.  They came with background checks.  We believe them and trust them.  But, it has definitely taken me some time to truly have faith in them.

And, now it's kind of shattered.

We haven't talked to H, yet, about what she did.  She was supposed to sit yesterday but canceled (my husband believes her when she says she had to go home for a funeral -- I don't.  I think she found out that we know and was afraid.)  My husband is going to talk to her tonight or tomorrow about it.  I don't know what we're going to do.  He wants to give her a chance to apologize.  A chance to explain herself.  A chance to understand that it isn't the picture or posting it online or even waking them up that bothers us so much.  It's that the entire relationship of babysitter to parent is based on trust and faith and she's broken that.

I feel like a fool. I feel like she's been lying to us all along.  I don't know how to get that faith back.  I told my husband "I'm the kind of person that if you cheat on me once our relationship is over.  There's no going back."

But, the truth is I really like H.  I love how she interacts with the boys.  I do trust that she will take good care of them.  Of all of the babysitters, the thought of firing her makes me sadder than any of the rest of them.

But, the thought of accepting her apology and then, one day, getting screwed over by her again (G-d forbid in a way that is actually serious) fills me with anxiety and anger.

I don't know what we're going to do.

What would you do?

Some stuffs

• I am currently actually blogging in my office. I'm taking a "brain break" from working.  Actual work!  Crazy! 
• So far my sabbatical has consisted of none of the things I need to be "sabbaticalling."  (Except, apparently, for inventing new words.)  There have been so many "must do" things that have come up -- a colleague quit unexpectedly and sent one of my major projects into a bit of chaos and I've joined a hiring committee (for another retiring colleague) and have been eyeball deep in reading applications for days.  (That's what I needed the brain break from.  If I read one more research proposal full of synthetic organic chemistry I'm going to pass out.) We're three weeks in and I'd really like to at least pretend I'm working on what I'm supposed to.
• I've filled one giant recycling bin so far with crap from my office.  I anticipate at least four more in my future.  This cleansing is quite cathartic.
• In the past week, two OTHER colleagues have announced that they're leaving.  This is getting ridiculous.  The sad thing is that nearly all of the people I was friends with outside of work have left in the past few years or are leaving.  It's making me really depressed and anxious.  I'm pretty sure that the department I officially come back to in the fall will be an entirely different place. 
• Coming back has been weird.  I feel like the world should have gone on "pause" while I was gone.  It didn't.  (Hmm...world doesn't revolve around me?  Not possible!!)
• I just noticed that I am, apparently, 71 weeks pregnant according to my floating baby widget.  I should probably update this whole blog layout thingy at some point... 
• Man, 71 weeks pregnant?  With over 30 pounds of baby?!  Sounds painful.
• My parents came to visit sort of unexpectedly last weekend.  Killed any chance of accomplishing anything at home or at work and made me EXCEEDINGLY anxious.  I'm really hating my relationship with my parents at the moment.  I can't figure out how to make it work better.  One of these days I'll sit down and write about it.  I need to.
• One of these days I'm also going to write a very long blog post about my hair.  
• I'm serious.
• No, really.  It'll be fascinating.  I promise.  
• The helmets are working!!  And, not too horrible.  I still really don't like them -- you know how awesome it is to kiss a baby's head or just lean against it as you hold him?  It keeps you from doing that and that sucks.  But, they don't mind them and they are working.  They've been in them for a little over a month and there's been a major improvement already.  
• The boys are 9 months!  New skills:  sitting independently, peering intently at things (especially D), more intense babbling, sleeping on their sides, holding their own bottles and actually managing to get some milk out of them, eating rice rusks, grabbing the spoon and feeding themselves (sort of). 
• On the 7 month scale we've gone down a bit in our weight comparison back to the 5th percentile or less.  We're having a hard time getting their meals up.  They don't look crazy skinny (pudgy-ish legs, etc.), but need to increase.  We have a developmental NICU follow-up appointment in a few weeks and it will be interesting to see what they say since they've been pushing us on the weight thing more than the boys' normal doctor.
• Sleep has finally improved!  I've managed to get 7 hours straight a few times this past week.  I'm still exhausted -- it is still a bit interrupted and never feels completely restorative.  But, it is SO much better for us all.
• I'd really like to get some exercise.  I've lost all my pregnancy weight and then some and am actually thinner than I've been in many years.  But, it all happened by pumping and eating and not by exercise so I'm a skinny-flabby mess.  At some point I will suddenly have about 3-4 hours more a day (when I stop pumping) and I will exercise and cook!  (And, maybe sleep...)  I'm excited by this prospect.  It has to happen because, other than the flabbiness, I'm really happy with how I look right now (and I haven't been in YEARS) and don't want to lose that when I'm no longer burning lots of calories by being a food source.
• Hmm.  Well, I should get back to these job apps.  Please, tell me more about the research you want to do with undergrads!  Please, tell me all about your teaching experience!  I want to know!  Truly I do!! 
• Oh, yeah, can't leave without a picture, right?

D awake and S asleep on a drive.  Helmets off for a bit.  :)