Sad news

Please stop by to give some love to Gurlee.  She just found out today that her baby's heartbeat was gone.  She was about 8 weeks pregnant after IVF and could use a lot of love and support right now.

Last night I had the strangest dream...

(And, no, it didn't involve sailing away to China.)

(Seriously, click on the link.  The 80's dancing is SO worth it.)

I dreamt that I gave birth -- to a cat.

An orange stripey cat.

I nursed the cat -- a very vivid image where I could even feel it.

About five hours after the birth of my cat-baby, I finally realized it was a cat.   I said to someone "was I really gestating a cat all along?"  She nodded and smiled at me.  The kind of smile you give to people who are insane.

Because apparently everyone else knew that I was a delusional crazy person.

Later in the dream?  I gave birth to triplets.

Triplet puppies that is.

Man, I'm boring

So...um...  I opened this page up about 10 times last week thinking "I have all sorts of time, I should blog."  But, my life seems very boring at the moment and I came up with nothing. 

Well, let's see.  I had a lovely Thanksgiving break (barring a few minor panic attacks).  Here's an update on my to-do list:

Adapt new lab experiment -- OMG it was SO cool!!  It involves glow sticks!  And taking apart glow sticks!  And separating the glowing dye from the other chemicals that cause the reaction that makes it glow! And shining UV light on them to make them glow again!  Um, OK, I'm such a science geek.  But, seriously, it made my day on Monday as I played with it. Still more to do with it, but anything that involves glowing in the dark is worth it! :)

Design new course -- Yeah, didn't work on this.  Guess that's what winter break will be for.

Exam writing -- A little more to do with this.

Grading -- Got some done.  Still more to do.  Does it ever end?!

Bathroom reno -- Yeah, this took most of my time (and was the source of a few panic attacks).  I am SO indecisive and don't handle change well (even if I'm instigating it).  I'm still not used to the new colors (it is blue on the bottom and white above the chair rail). But, it's looking good and I think I like it.  I filled in all the holes and sanded down the random lumps all over the walls (I have no idea what people have been doing to this bathroom).  I painted everything and changed all the hardware (knobs, handles, towel racks).  New shower curtain rod -- the curved kind that makes your shower seem bigger -- fancy.  New shower curtain and window curtains.  New rug.  My DH installed a brand new vinyl window (we're slowly replacing all the windows in the house).  All that is left, now, is to replace the sink faucet and the lights.  Hopefully I'll get there this week.  It is just looking so much more together and, above all else, CLEAN.  Not that I hadn't cleaned it before, but the dirty cream paint just made everything look yellow and dirty and old. 

Eventually I want to replace the sink, tub, cabinets, walls (there is a horrible fake tile wainscoting that has been painted over about 10 times) and floors but that is a few years down the line.  It occurred to me, though, that I didn't have to wait for that to just make it look better. So I did.  I'm very proud of myself.  It was something I wanted and I did it.  I did it for myself.  It was something I could control.  It felt very therapeutic to paint, actually. 

Pictures to come in another post sometime soon.

Things we did that weren't on my list:

Travel -- Whirlwind day trip to visit my SIL and her family.  Very nice to see our nephews.  The older one is about 2 1/2 and is so interactive, now!  It's amazing.  The younger one is around 16 months or so and is starting to talk more which is entertaining.  Great to see them.  My jealousy pangs weren't too bad this time.  I think having them out of the "baby" phase is helping.

Thanksgiving -- I was planning on being a hermit but we ended up going to some friends' for dinner and it was really nice.  Had some wine and relaxed and my DH got to have venison (hunted on their land by their dad) and fancy turkey, so he was happy.  I got to have my fake turkey (I LOVE Quorn Turk'y) and all the fixin's.  Yum.  

Spending lots and lots of money -- We bought some new living room furniture.  It won't be here for a few months, and it freaked me out to spend the money on it, but I'm slowly building toward excited about it.  We also are finishing up getting the last few appliances for our kitchen reno.  So excited about this but spending the money is, again, freaking me out!!  I'm not good with spending large chunks of money.  We've saved for this, so we're fine.  But, still...  Hoping that the kitchen reno gets started in January.  We've been buying appliances on clearance the past several months and our dining room is filled with extra appliances.  It's starting to get to me...  Cabinets and counters will be purchased today!  (Breathe, Rebecca, breathe.  It'll be worth it in the end...)

Ovulating -- Um, I O'd extra early on CD13 again this month -- on Thanksgiving day.  I used to average about CD16.  Not sure what's happening lately.  Luckily my body gives me PLENTY of warning that O is coming (O pains that make it hurt to walk sometimes and copious EWCM) so we were prepared.  In fact, I'm not really sure why I bother temping or using OPKs since I really doubt I could miss it. It would make it impossible for us to "just relax."    Note:  this isn't meant to sound like bragging and I know could come off as really annoying for those who have issues O'ing.  The truth is that I appreciate it but it also pisses me off.  Perfect cycles, plenty of reminders that I SHOULD be able to get pregnant.  And, yet? 

Anyway, see, that was a busy week, wasn't it?  But, nothing really jumped out at me to blog about.  So, I figured I'd sum it all up in one boring blog post! :) 

I hope all of you in the US had a great Thanksgiving.  For all of you around the world -- I hope you had a good weekend! :)

Welcome ICLW!

Hi everyone out there in blogworld! It's ICLW! I honestly don't know how it is already almost the end of November, but I guess it is! Craziness.

For anyone visiting for ICLW, howdy! I'm Rebecca and my IF story is over on the right. Right now we're impatiently waiting for an appointment with a new RE scheduled for December 14th. We've been on treatment hold for about 5 months and it's making me nuts. I want to be doing something that feels like it has a chance of working.

I'm very excited to be in the beginning of a week break from classes for Thanksgiving. My school used to have classes on Monday and Tuesday of Thanksgiving week, but the students wouldn't show up. So, they added those two days to the beginning of the semester and we get the whole week! Woohoo! I have so much work to catch up on with grading and exam writing and designing new lab experiments and courses that I am incredibly grateful for the break from students.

I'm also going to try to paint my bathroom this week. We're getting started on some major renovations of our house (more on that another time) but this bathroom is probably the last thing on the list to get to. It's making me nuts, though, because it is drab and dirty looking and gross. So, while it needs more major changes eventually, right now I just need it to look more pleasant! And, paint is easy.

So, there you go -- I've listed all the things I hope to get accomplished this week. I expect you to hold me to them!!

Glargh part 2

So, yeah, I was right about AF showing up early -- heavy spotting last night and there she was this morning.

So, let's recap this crazy short (24 day) cycle: I O'd on CD 13 -- normally I average about CD 15/16 when med free. I had an 11 day LP -- lately I average 13 days with a few 12 here and there (like last cycle). I thought things were returning to normal post m/c but apparently we've gone all sorts of wonky. This is the shortest cycle I've had since TTC. I guess the good thing is that we can move on more quickly.

On a positive note (for me at least) my DH reported from happy hour last night (I didn't go because I was feeling like crap) that D had a beer.

Glargh.

I'm always an emotional mess during the 1ww.  Between hormonal changes and anxiety about a cycle it just never goes well.  I'm just feeling kind of down. Little things are stressing me the hell out and making me cry for no reason.  I'm 11 DPO and starting to spot and cramp and my temp has dropped way down.  So, I'm feeling like AF is on the way soon.  Shouldn't be here until Sunday or Monday, but it's feeling like it might be sooner.

It doesn't help that, after weeks of sun, it is dreary and rainy and dark.  I sometimes wonder if my mood affects the weather instead of the other way around.  (Because I am that powerful.)

I've been nearly in tears all afternoon over the idea of filling out my employer's cafeteria plan benefits package.  Last year, I set aside $3000 pre-tax for medical expenses for 2010 (you can put up to $5000 aside) -- definitely made it through all of that this year between medication, co-pays, ultrasounds, more ultrasounds, travel to the RE, etc.  Something about filling out the form this year is making me feel like I'm being forced to decide right now if we'll be doing treatments next year and what they might be.  Apparently the benefits office thinks it is due today despite the fact that it says on the form that it is due December 1st -- she's going to let me have until Monday.  I think the timing of this as I wait for AF and still have to wait a month for my appointment with the new RE (December 14th) is just a little too much, emotionally. 

My DH said "well, if we did six months of treatments and you got pregnant in July, what would that cost?"  I have no idea -- depends on what we do.  Of course, if we do even the most minimal intervention (Femara IUIs, for instance) it will probably cost at least $4-500 per month, so that uses up $3000.  But, I don't know, just thinking about 6 more months of treatment is killing me. And, I've been going to the therapist every other week or so -- if I continue to go, that's $60/month in co-pays -- doesn't take long for that to add up, too.  And, obviously, if we end up doing a lap or injectibles or any other kind of ART, we'll use the money up before we can blink.

But, somehow the idea of setting aside the money, again, another year, another time, having to think about this again, knowing that last year I thought "well, surely we'll only use about half of it for IF treatments and then the rest will be for pregnancy expenses" and half of it, instead, ended up being for miscarriage expenses and here I am trying to think about that again? 

Makes me want to say "glargh" and go hide under the covers.

Afraid of that other shoe

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like the proverbial "other shoe" is just hovering over your head? 

I'm terrified that I'm soon going to get an announcement that our "go to" childless friends are expecting. These are friends that we go to happy hour with every Friday evening and hang out with to watch football and movies. A great couple. We get along so well because we're very different but, socially, quite alike -- we like to get together and hang out for a while but afterward just like to spend the evenings at home with our spouses just relaxing.

D, the wife of the couple, has, on multiple occasions, mentioned that she's sure that she is ultra-fertile because her family has about 6 sets of fraternal twins. She's 29 and she and W have been married for 3 years. I've sensed for a while that they have a timeline in mind for when they plan to have kids and it seems like it would be around when she turns 30 (in the spring).

The Friday before last, for the first time in the 5 years I've known her, D just had water when we went out to dinner. Hmm, just didn't feel like drinking, I'm sure. But, then, it happened again last Friday and she even made a joke about getting a Shirley Temple. When her husband ordered onion rings, he stopped and asked her "are you sure you'll be able to eat them?" Then she went on for a while about how she wasn't sure if she'd make it through the movie they were watching later because she was going to be so tired.

I spent the whole evening with my heart pounding in my ears and woke up Saturday morning and couldn't stop thinking about it. My DH thinks that maybe they've just started trying (I've had water at least 3 out of every 4 Fridays with them for the last 2 years, after all) but that doesn't necessarily help my panic. That means there's a pretty good chance we'll get an announcement one way or another soon. I don't want her to go through what I've been through but I don't want to lose my only friends where I don't think constantly about my IF. I'm so afraid of how I'll act. I know that their having a baby isn't the reason I haven't been able to, but my jealousy may overcome me if I have to watch her belly grow.

I've been in a "lucky" position that most of my close friends have either already had their children or haven't been trying since we have.  I've had to deal with relatively few close friend/family pregnancy announcements and showers in two years.  The thought of having to deal with this with D and W is killing me. 

I hate what IF does to me.

(I also hate that I seem to only whine on here.  Blech.  Things in my life are not bad.  Really.  They're pretty good.  I'm happy most of the time.) 

(Oh, and thank you for the recommendations for Waiting for Daisy.  I just finished it yesterday and really enjoyed it -- it made me think a lot and was very moving.)

(For anyone who's counting -- I'm starting the 1WW today and my temperature shot up way high.  So, I'm starting to obsess again.  Damn it.)

(Oh, dear, I'm thinking parenthetically again...)

Can I have a family?

For any who don't know, I teach chemistry at a small-ish college. My department is very "nurturing" and we're very close to our students.  (I've been to multiple student weddings over the years and each week at our faculty meeting there seems to be an announcement or two about some alumnus or another having another baby.  It gets a little old after a while.)  We try to encourage this from the beginning by having freshman over to our houses during orientation week and requiring the students to visit faculty members in their offices.

Yesterday, one of the first year students was interviewing me for an assignment for her freshman seminar.  She's a really eager young woman and is very enthusiastic about chemistry and school.  We spent a while talking about my background and my path to where I am now and then we started talking about where she might be able to go with a chemistry degree. 

We talked a little about the advantages and disadvantages to the different types of jobs you can have -- one where you show up at 9 and leave at 5 and move on with your life versus one where you work whatever hours it takes to get the job done and spend a lot of time outside of work thinking about it.  I mentioned that being a college professor is deceptive because you have a lot of flexibility in your work day but your day never seems to end and you often work nights and weekends to keep up with everything. 

She mentioned that her friend has a mother who is an OB/Gyn who never seems to be around (because she's always on call) and she asked "Is it possible to have a family and a career in chemistry?"

All of the sudden, I couldn't speak for tripping over my tongue. All I could do was think about my infertility.

"Well, of course it is" for anyone else but me.

"I mean, the...uh... majority of the women in our department have...uh... families." All of them but me, I mean.


"And, uh... the men all have families." Of course, that's not really the point, is it?  You want to know if you can be a mother?  May you?  Yes.  Can you?  Well... as long as you're not me?  Sure.

"I mean, you do have to make some adjustments." At least, that's what I've heard.  Not that I'd know about them because I only have to make schedule adjustments to go to doctor's appointments.


"And, you have to make priorities about when you'll work" or so I've heard.


Then I just sat there and tried to come up with something to say.  I wanted so much to have a personal story I could tell her.  I know she was waiting for me to say "Here are pictures of my kids. My husband and I make it work by taking turns and making sure neither of us feels overwhelmed."   Instead it just sounded like I was quoting platitudes.  I felt like I was making things up. 

When I told my DH about the conversation last night he said "you've got me and the cat."  And, it's true.  I'm incredibly lucky to have him. I thank my lucky stars every day for him. When I think back to life before him, I'm sad for my old self.  He is my family and I needed the reminder. 

And the cat.  She's pretty good, too.