Some days are better than others

I was doing OK.  I really was.  I was feeling better physically and I was focusing on my work which was helping me feel better emotionally.  Last night, I took Erika's advice and I talked out loud to the baby.  It made me cry but it made me feel better and more connected.  So, I was feeling a little more "together" emotionally.

But then...

I ran into my boss in the hallway and he touched my elbow and told me how sorry he was and how he and his wife have been through this, too, and how hard it is to come back from it.  It's sort of a weird situation that my boss knew we were pregnant.  He's actually my boss's boss.  No one else at work knew because we weren't ready for it to spread, yet.  He's a good friend of my DH's and has been through secondary IF and a m/c.  We had told him we were about to start IVF because I was going to need to take some time off.  He happened to know very early on that I was pregnant (it was accidental that he found out).  We'd also gotten a recommendation for a doctor from him (although, given the doctor's behavior, that didn't turn out so well...)  So, my DH told him on Friday what was happening.

He was the only person in town who knew since everyone we know here we know through work.  And, so, he was the only person besides my DH and medical personnel who have approached me about this in person.  And, it just made me break down.  It's one thing to talk about it on the phone, or by e-mail, or by blog post.  But, having him touch me physically and look me in the eye just did me in.  It was right before my class so I just picked myself up and moved on.  But not in a very stable way.

And then...

I got an e-mail birth announcement for the second baby for a woman who used to work here.  A picture of her smiling in her hospital bed with her husband and her newborn and her 1 1/2 year old.  I didn't even know she was pregnant again. 

Now I'm just hiding in my office hoping desperately that the 8 month pregnant woman working down the hall from me uses the elevator on the other side of the building today.  I don't think I can handle anymore.

I guess that's just how it's going to be.  Some days are good and some days are bad.

Oops, preggo just walked by.  I think I'll go to lunch, now.

Feeling lost

This weekend seems to have gone by quickly.  I feel like I lost a day or so in there.  At the same time, though, I find it hard to believe that it was only a week ago yesterday that I found out that my baby was gone.  It feels like he's been gone forever.  (I've always felt like this baby was a "he" so I think I'm going to refer to him that way.  I can't stand calling the baby an "it" forever.)

I spent most of the weekend trying to avoid taking narcotic pain meds because I knew that, as soon as I did, I would be zoned out completely.  But, I was hurting a lot.  And, I finally decided that being zoned out wasn't actually a bad thing.  Sunday night, despite the meds, I couldn't sleep and woke up to more contractions early Monday morning.  Several hours later, I think I finally completed the miscarriage.  It's amazing how the pain is gone, now.  Just a few cramps here and there like a normal AF.  I feel empty and drained but I feel like it is done.  We'll find out with Thursday's u/s, I suppose.

So, now what?  I really don't know what to do with myself.  In some ways, I feel like a fool.  What was I thinking that I could get everything I wanted?  I mean, not only was I finally pregnant, but the timing was absolutely perfect.  My DH is on sabbatical leave this coming academic year, which means that, while he is still working on research and other projects, he isn't teaching, so his schedule is flexible.  He was going to travel in the fall, but he could go with me to any doctor's appointment and, in the spring, he'd be able to help with the baby day or night as needed.  I was due in early January which means that I would be able to complete the fall semester and then have the entire spring semester for maternity leave and could take the summer off of teaching next year before starting back to classes in the fall.  Believe me, I realized just how lucky that made me.  I thought "wow, the universe recognized that it screwed me over by making me wait until I was 30 to finally meet the love of my life, 33 to get married and nearly two years to get pregnant so now it is giving me the perfect gift."  What was I thinking?! 

And, I suppose this either makes me hopeful or just hopelessly naive but I just never thought a m/c would happen to me.  I know that we all think that, I suppose, but it happens to so many of us.  For some reason, I always felt like it would be hard for me to get pregnant.  So, in some way, I was OK that it took a while.  But, I was certain that once I got pregnant all would be fine.  Even when I knew so many IRL and in the IF community who had miscarriages.  Even when I was nervous about the early signs and was worried about the pregnancy, in the back of my mind I was sure that everything would be OK. 

And, every week that passed I let myself feel more and more like it was real and I relaxed.  Wow, 8 weeks?  That's a whole month since we found out.  That's an official examination by an OB.  That's being told that "just because it took a while you're just like any other pregnant woman."  That's having your uterus groped from the inside and being told that it feels like an 8-10 week pregnant uterus.  That's starting to schedule monthly appointments.  This is real.  Wow, 9 weeks?  That just *sounds* real.  OMG, 10 weeks???  That's DOUBLE DIGITS.  That's it, baby.  Um, 11 weeks?  Wow, the baby is getting HUGE.  We're just days away from finally revealing it to the world.  I mean, 14 weeks may be where you're out of the "danger zone" but, come on, surely something would have happened by now if it was going to, right?  We're SAFE.  I'll finally let myself order some maternity shirts on-line (and now stare at the package that arrived the day after I miscarried) and move beyond the belly band and wear a pair of maternity pants (for the first time on the day that I started to miscarry). 

That whole time?  The baby was dead.  How is that possible?  How could that be true?  The baby was already gone by the time I went to the OB.  I feel like an idiot.  All the times I was surreptitiously wandering around the maternity section needing new pants because of the bloat but feeling like an impostor I was right.  All those women who were staring at me thinking "what is she thinking looking in this section" were right.  (OK, I know they weren't really staring at me...)  All the times I was thinking while I was teaching this summer "I wonder if they'll notice when I start to show?" And, when the student asked "do you have any kids?"  I answered "no" but thought to myself "yes, I do, he's right here with me" and smiled.  Father's Day (the day before I started to miscarry) I went to a colleague's house for a barbecue and was surrounded by all four of the people I work with on this grant who each have two kids under 4 and watched their kids run around and listened to all their "kid" talk and thought to myself -- wow, this is the last time I will feel like an outsider.  All that time?  The baby was gone.  How stupid was I?

I feel like someone just slapped me upside the head repeatedly.

And, now, I'm trying to figure out how to mourn this baby.  I don't want to forget him but I feel like he was only real to me.  My DH never connected with him and doesn't feel it.  I know that men and women obviously experience this differently, but it bothers me that I'm the only person who ever felt like this was really a baby and not just a long overdue period.  And, knowing that, in my mind, it was an 11 week old baby but, really, was only ever 7 1/2 weeks just makes me feel more and more like a fool. 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here.  It's not really sympathy.  I just needed to get it all out.  I know that it wasn't really stupid for me to believe that things were OK.  I realize that.  I just don't know how to move forward.  I'm trying to find something to help me memorialize the baby.  I've been looking at rings.  I think my DH understands that I need to do this even if he doesn't understand why. 

I think mostly I need to do it to help me remember that he really was "real" for a while. 

Lesson learned

You should always read the drug inserts from the pharmacy very carefully before you take the drugs. After spending the day feeling off, having strange, numb, tingling feelings and random aches throughout my body, googling the heck out of methergine side effects and talking to two random nurses and a totally useless on-call OB, I finally noticed in the drug info packet that methergine is counter-indicated when you have Raynaud's syndrome. Raynaud's is a circulation problem where your blood vessels constrict and your fingers and/or toes turn numb and white and then red and blue when you're cold or anxious. I've had it since I was in college. It's generally just uncomfortable (and sometimes freaks other people out) and no big deal and not something it would have occurred to me to tell the doctor this morning. He asked if I had high blood pressure, but nothing else.

I'm definitely not taking any more of that! It took almost 11 hours after I took one dose before I stopped feeling like my teeth might vibrate out of my head. This morning I still feel a little shaky from it. It's a very weird feeling and hard to describe. I told my RE's office about it this morning so they can make a note that I shouldn't take that anymore... So, now I have to go down for another u/s next week to make sure my uterus emptied out on it's own since I couldn't finish the regimen.

I guess I'm already back to weekly probing.

I guess my body made a different decision

I miscarried spontaneously last night. It appears my body knew when it was time.

I'll warn you now that this is going to be a long one and have details you may not want to read.  I just need to get it all out somewhere for my own sanity.

We drove down for our u/s appointment yesterday afternoon. It was incredibly comforting. The tech was one who I've gotten to know well over the past year and she was kind and thorough and explained to us what she was seeing and what was going on. She was training a student so she was able to direct the student who was doing the scanning but stand next to me and look right at me to talk to me and show us things on the screen and touch my knee (which is very comforting) while she talked.  I told her what had happened before and she could actually talk about it all with sympathy and understanding and sadness for us.  We were able to have a last look at our little one and it actually made me feel better about everything. The embryo was about 7w4d. The gestational sac, on the other hand, had continued to grow and was around 11 weeks (I should have been 12 weeks today).  Which is why my body kept thinking it was pregnant and why I had no change in symptoms.  I don't know why, but seeing the fetus made me feel at peace.  It was so different from the early view we saw that it made me feel better.  I could see the head and it had arm buds and leg buds and was just so still.  I guess it was the first time I really connected to it as a baby which is incredibly sad but oddly seems to make me feel better. 

She wasn't the one who did my initial scan 5 weeks ago, so I asked her about it.  I'd always been worried about it because it didn't seem as strong as I hoped it would be.  The sac was measuring 6w6d (which was exactly how far along I was) but the embryo was measuring 6w2d or 3d and that worried me a bit (especially after my initial issues with the betas) but no one else seemed concerned.  Also, the h/b was only 112 which was on the low side for almost 7 weeks, but, again, no one else there seemed worried and they released me to the OB.  The tech yesterday seemed to think that each of those things on their own were within the range of normal but, taken all together, at least warranted a repeat scan in a week to see if things had caught up.  She's been doing this for 23 years, so I guess she's seen all possibilities.  The doctor didn't seem concerned, obviously, so I guess it was all within the range of normal and, in most cases, would probably have worked itself out.  In retrospect, they obviously should have offered me a second scan, but I can't fault them for not doing so.

There was a brief moment of levity that I think we all needed.  Did you know that they can insert the vaginal probe upside down?  I didn't, and, apparently the student didn't either.  And, it just made us laugh when the tech was trying to figure out what was wrong with the screen.

After the scan we talked to the nurse (and, let me say, I take back anything negative I've ever said about her -- she couldn't have been more empathetic and comforting -- maybe she's just not good on the phone).  We set up everything for the D&C and got a list of prescriptions to fill.  We left and decided to walk around the mall for a bit just to have something to do.  Around 4 o'clock I started having stronger cramps and, by 4:30, I was cramping so much I thought I might pass out.  We went back to our hotel and I spent about an hour writhing on the bed trying to find a position that would relieve the pain a bit.  Nothing did.  I can only believe that I must have been having contractions as my uterus tried to get rid of everything. 

Finally, at about 5:30 I went to the bathroom and (sorry, TMI alert) started passing lots of blood and tissue.  And, that pretty much went on for about 4 1/2 hours.  I can't even describe how much it hurt and what and how much I passed (and I don't think I really want to).  My DH was wonderful throughout and spent about an hour trying to locate the doctor on call to ask him if I should still plan on taking the meds for the procedure the next day.  I just wasn't sure if they'd want to complete the process or what.  And, I didn't want to take the meds if I didn't need to because I've taken that combo before (when I had a hysteroscopy in December) and it knocked me out for three days.  When my DH was talking to a nurse who was trying to decide if we needed to talk to the doctor she asked him "is she filling more than a pad an hour" and we both just had to laugh.  I think I was filling a pad a minute at that point.  Yeah, we're not wondering if I'm having a miscarriage, we're wondering what to do next! 

So, after a rough night, I went in this morning and the tech did another u/s and saw that I'd passed the sac and fetus but still had a very thick lining.  (I truly can't imagine how that is possible after last night.)  I talked to the doctor afterward and he said we could either do the procedure, still, or he could give me methergine to help my uterus squeeze down to release everything more quickly and he recommended the drug.  So, that's what I'm doing now. 

Everyone seemed to think it was a very good thing that my body did it on its own.  And, thinking about it as a past event and for what it means for the next several days and the future, I agree that's true.  Thinking about it as I was going through the m/c?  No, it wasn't.  That was the scariest, most painful thing I've ever experienced.  I can only be thankful that it didn't happen when I was at work or out somewhere and that I was prepared that it might happen.  I don't know how women go through that when they didn't know it was coming.  For those of you who have, I send my deepest sympathy.  I don't know how you get through that emotionally if you're not expecting it.

So, that's where we are.  I kind of feel like my body was holding on until we were ready to say goodbye.  The u/s with someone who was caring and kind and understanding gave us that.  The nurse and doctor today and yesterday were wonderful.  I can't say enough good things about them.  The doctor answered our questions with understanding and tried to explain what happened as much as anyone could.  I asked him why the sac might keep growing and he said that it is possible that the chromosomal issue might have been a type of mosaicism which could mean that part of the fetus was still sending out good signals.  His research is all in pregnancy loss (he's not my normal RE), so it was nice to hear his opinion.

Oh, and something else.  Yesterday on the way down to the RE's office, we stopped at Burger King for lunch.  The same place where we got my lucky Spider-man charm before my third IUI in February.  In the middle of my lunch, I looked up and saw a little boy playing with the exact same Spider-man toy from his kids meal.  I don't usually believe in signs, but I feel like it was Spider-baby saying goodbye.

One more day to wait

Tomorrow is the day.  I've scheduled the D&C with my RE's office for the day I would have been 12 weeks.  That just makes it feel worse somehow. 

Thank you to Lara and others for the suggestion to get an u/s beforehand.  I was thinking that I wanted to do that, but I felt odd about it.  But, I know it will make me feel better to do it.  Not that I think that there is any chance that there's a positive outcome from this, but I just feel like I need to say goodbye, I guess.  And, the u/s techs at my RE's office know me and are much better at dealing with these sorts of things.  Anyway, we'll drive down for an u/s this afternoon and, afterward, we'll fill out paperwork and get prescriptions filled for the D&C.  And, I really do feel better about having them do it since, unfortunately, they do this a lot.  Since the procedure is scheduled for early in the morning, we'll just stay overnight in a hotel after the appointment this afternoon.  

Yesterday I thought my body had decided to be done with this.  I had a lot of pain all morning and then some heavier bleeding and then it stopped again.  More pain and an incredibly heavy feeling in my abdomen all afternoon and evening, but no more bleeding.  I think that made me more certain that I need to do the D&C sooner rather than later -- I'm not sure how long I can deal with on and off pain and on and off bleeding waiting for something bigger to happen.

I'm still teaching through all of this.  Just saying that sounds ridiculous, but I don't know what else to do.  If I stay home right now, I'll just be waiting for it to happen and wallowing.  If I stay at school, I can refocus my brain and feel productive and like there's something else in my life.  I did have moments during my class yesterday where I thought "this is absurd."  Then I spent an hour trying to help a student after class and it felt good to work with her over the pain.  It was something I could do and something I had control over.  Of course, then I had to keep putting off colleagues for meetings and telling people I was unavailable.  I felt, all along, like they're just assuming I'm a giant slacker when I say that I have some personal issues I'm dealing with this week and can't work with them.  (And, let's face it, how many of them are thinking to themselves "she doesn't have any kids, what problems can she have?") I know I'm not a slacker -- I know I deserve to take the time -- but I don't want to tell them why and it makes it feel unjustified somehow. 

So, one more class today and then I'm leaving.  And, at this point, I haven't canceled my Monday class.  I'm going to wait until Sunday to see how I feel.  I know I should just cancel it, but it makes me feel worse automatically canceling it than it does waiting and doing it later if I need to.  I don't know why.  I guess I just don't want to lose control over the only thing left in my life that I feel confident in.  I love what I do and it makes me feel good about myself.  I don't want to get behind and feel worse about the class for the rest of the summer since it's the only positive thing I've got going right now. And, because it is a summer class, each class is a double class and there is no one around who could teach it for me (because anyone who is around is also teaching a class at the same time).  If I decide I can't do it, then I can't do it and I'm really OK with that.  But, I can't seem to let myself plan it that way. 

"Hi, my name is Rebecca, and I'm a work-a-holic."

Oh, thanks to all who were willing to collectively bitch-slap my doctor.  My DH called his office to cancel our appointment for next week and tell him that we were going to the RE's office for a D&C.  The doctor called later in the day and left a message questioning what we were doing.  I guess it is a good thing that he was concerned, but I just can't deal with him anymore and it made me question my decision which was NOT a good thing because my decision is good.  I hate breaking up with doctors.  And, in this town, it's a problem because I interact with him professionally occasionally and, if I get pregnant again, there's a decent chance he'd end up delivering me even if he wasn't my doctor.

Alrighty, so there are my meandering practical thoughts for the day.  Somehow it's easier to talk about them than to talk about the "why me" thoughts and the giant gray cloud that is hovering over me all day long.

I've made a decision

I've decided that the waiting is going to kill me.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop but it's a boot the size of my house and it's just hovering over me wherever I go.  People keep asking to schedule meetings and I don't know what to do.  A former student sent me a request for a letter of recommendation on Monday and then a second request on Tuesday saying "please let me know that you got this" and I just wanted to scream at him "I'm a little busy trying to expel my dead child from my womb right now, but I'll get back to you when I can!!!" (Sorry, that was a bit crass but I don't know how else to react right now.)  I'm cramping but I'm not bleeding anymore and I don't know how to wait for that to happen.  I'm just waiting for my body to do something but I don't think I can trust it anymore. 

So, I'm going to call my RE's office this morning and see if they can still schedule me for the D&C on Friday morning.  I hope they can because I think they're the only ones I want to deal with.  I think they have more experience with this and I feel like they're a better choice.  It almost feels like coming home at this point.  It's hard to believe it's been nearly 2 months since I've been down there.  Calling them on Monday was surreal.

I can't deal with my doctor here anymore.  My experience with him on Monday was not a good one.  After waiting for 30 minutes (with a really full bladder) at the hospital, I had to lie there while the u/s tech did her scan and said nothing. Utter silence.  I knew it wasn't good.  I know she's not supposed to interpret anything without a doctor around, but I kept thinking "surely she would say 'do you want to hear the h/b' if there still was one."  She spent 10 minutes jabbing at me and then sent me to empty my bladder halfway and then spent another 5 minutes jabbing in silence.  She said she had to go talk to the radiologist and my doctor and when she came back she said to go right over to my doctor's office.

At this point we knew it must be over but I had the tiniest glimmer of hope.  My DH says he had none at all.  I couldn't let it go, though.  So, we get to the doctor's office and sat down in the waiting room...for 20 minutes.  Watched multiple large pregnant women with toddlers go in.  Which is unusual for my doctor's office because he's family practice and usually there aren't quite so many pregnant women at once.  Then, they finally called us back. The nurse questioned me about the morning but claimed she didn't know anything about the u/s.  And then?  She left and we had to wait for another 20 minutes.  Really.  I'm sorry but if you're going to tell someone they've lost their child I'd like to think you could prioritize slightly over measuring yet another 30 week pregnant belly.  It took maybe five minutes for you to finally tell me.  You couldn't take five minutes?  The waiting was killing me.  My mind was going every direction.

Then he finally comes in, with an undergraduate pre-med student in tow and doesn't ask me if she can come in until she's already in the room.  I couldn't even figure out how to answer -- all I wanted was for him to tell me what was going on.  The nurse should have asked but I'm sure she assumed he wouldn't possibly bring her in to the room to tell me that kind of news.  I never wanted the damn undergrads in the room when you were telling me good news, why would I want them there to tell me bad news?  He then says, with a joking lilt in his voice, "so, how good of actors were they at the hospital?"  For a brief moment my heart soared -- obviously no doctor would be so callous as to make a joke if my baby was dead, right?  We said "they didn't say anything" and then he said "the sac is undersized and misshapen and there is no heartbeat, I don't like to have radiologists tell you something like that."  But, apparently you don't mind my waiting around surrounded by pregnant women rubbing their bellies after telling me to rush over to tell me something like that.  And, apparently you think it's all great to tell me something like that with a random college student standing in the corner wishing she could shrink into the wall.  Great, thanks.

So, yeah, we're moving on.

I think one of the worst parts of all of this right now is that I feel like I can no longer trust my body.  For at least three weeks it's been doing everything it could to convince me that I was still pregnant.  I was still starving all the time and nauseous if I didn't eat.  My breasts grew another cup size and were hurting so much I couldn't roll over at night (they stopped hurting yesterday).  Veins were popping up everywhere.  My stomach started to pop out even though I hadn't gained any more weight.  I keep thinking back and trying to believe that the baby was dead all that time -- and I really can't.  (I can't get Schrodinger's cat out of my head.)  I guess it is better to believe that my body was trying as hard as possible to hold on. 

Wow, this has gotten long.  And, there's more in my head.  I guess I just need to talk right now.  Thank you, again, for listening and being there.  My DH doesn't know how to deal with me right now. 

Missed miscarriages can suck my ass

That's pretty much how I feel right now.

I really can't thank you all enough for your support.  For those of you who sent others here, thank you so much.  You're all wonderful and reading what you've written makes me cry but with a different kind of tears.  When my doctor was telling me yesterday that I should seek out women who had experienced this or find women who might understand all I could think was "well, at least I know that I already have that support system in place."  I don't know how someone would survive this without a group like you out there to lean on.

I'm kind of going back and forth between crying uncontrollably and staring at the wall.  Yesterday time kept passing and I didn't know how it happened.  

I'm cramping more but not bleeding much, now.  I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen.  I'm still not entirely sure what we've decided to do.  The RE essentially said they usually go with what the OB says.  The RE's nurse said that they could offer me the D&C if we'd like to do it there.  Actually she used the phrase "we'd be more than happy to do the D&C."  Who says that?!  I could tell halfway through "happy" that she was sort of choking on it realizing what she was saying. It wasn't my favorite nurse who called back -- I like her, but she's definitely not incredibly empathetic.  She always seems a little condescending.  I think she just doesn't know how to deal with the emotional side of IF (not great for a nurse who specializes in IF...).  And, she's the one who I watched grow giantly pregnant and go on maternity leave and come back while I was getting treatment, so not the best associations.  Honestly I wanted to talk to my favorite nurse -- the one who has cried with me and celebrated with me. 

I guess right now we've decided to see what happens this week and then, if nothing has moved forward, schedule a D&C for next week.  There's a timing issue here because one of my closest friends (she was my maid of honor) is getting married in California in 2 1/2 weeks and I can't imagine not making it but I obviously can't go there and miscarry on the flight or during the wedding.  I guess I may not have much choice about it.  But, if I can make it, I really want to. 

I feel like I'm treating this too practically.  I guess I'm not sure how else to deal with it.  Yesterday, as we were scheduling the u/s, I had to run around finding people to take over things for me in the afternoon at work.   I kept having to say I had an emergency and now have to tell a bunch of people who ask that "everything is OK" when it isn't because I don't want to tell them all what actually happened.  I posted a problem set on-line for my class in between sobs sitting on the sofa after the u/s.  I feel like I'm in a crappy little purgatory -- I'm miscarrying but I'm not actually miscarrying at the moment.  So, I feel like I need to do nothing and miscarry.  But, at the same time, if I just sit here and wait for it, I'll just keep obsessing over it.  Not like I'm not obsessing over it anyway, but I guess I need to be distracted.

Things I'm grateful for:

• I got pregnant.  It happened.  I said from the beginning that just the fact that we actually made it to pregnancy after 19 months of nothing was a miracle and made everything different.  It does.  It doesn't make this loss any easier.  But, it gives me some hope.  And, before this pregnancy I didn't have any of that left.
• I started bleeding yesterday.  That sounds weird but, if I hadn't, I wouldn't have had an emergency u/s and I would have driven 90 miles today for my NT scan thinking "of course everything is OK, stop worrying" and had the u/s tech have to tell me it wasn't.  I was afraid that would happen and I'm not sure how I would have handled it.  The only positive would have been that the u/s facility is right across the hall from my fertility clinic so they could have gotten my RE or one of the nurses.
• My DH is an incredible person who is always there for me.  He's processing this differently than I am but he loves me and hates that this has happened.  He hadn't been willing to be excited about the pregnancy really until we escaped the "danger zone" so he's not feeling it in quite the same way.  And, he's a ridiculously practical person so he's focusing on the future and the positive.  I know he's just not emotional, but I also know he's sad.  Just in a different way.
• My mother is always there for me.  She TTC'd for a year and had a very early miscarriage before she had me so she somewhat understands what I'm going through.  I hated having to call her last night.  She was so excited just the day before when we were talking about what comes next.  The pain and confusion in her voice almost did me in.
•  I have a support system of people who care about me and know what I'm going through. 

 So, now I wait and try to put on a happy face.  I just don't know what else to do right now.

Spider baby is gone

No heartbeat and a misshapen undersized sac. Most likely the baby died three weeks ago.

My body still thinks it's 11 1/2 weeks pregnant but my baby is dead.

My non-medicated miracle pregnancy is gone.

I cant seem to convince myself that it's true. I keep trying to figure out a way to say it that will make me believe it. It's funny that i never really believed I was pregnant but now i don't believe I'm not.

My OB gave us the options and thinks we should wait it out since my body is starting to miscarry on its own. I'm waiting for a call back from the RE to see what she thinks we should do. I'm not sure I can wait it out.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. It helps so much that I don't feel alone.

I'm numb.

Crap

Lots of bright red blood and cramps that are starting to get sharper. I'm going for an u/s. Im really scared.

I've never been one for praying but please pray for us.

Thank you all

Thank you ladies, so much. The logical part of my brain knows that the spotting is no big deal but the panicked IF part of my brain that was already worried to begin with just went nuts!   It definitely helped to hear all your reassurances.  What would I do without all of you?  I really don't want to know!!!

I spotted for the rest of the day yesterday but nothing so far today.  Still a little crampy, but I'm going to say that's growing pains.  I think I probably did overdo it yesterday (lots of standing and walking) and got a little dehydrated. 

So, the water bottle is now permanently attached to my hand and I'm going to make myself sit down occasionally!  ☺

Now just to wait patiently for next Tuesday... OY.  I've got to come up with something to do this weekend or it will go on forever!!!

Spotting -- tell me it's OK

I started spotting brown and I'm having some dull background cramps.  My doctor says that if it turns red or the cramps get worse then he'll do an u/s but doesn't want to otherwise and it's probably fine.  He keeps saying "well, you saw the h/b so the risk of m/c is very low."  And, I know that, but it was 4 weeks ago and it wasn't particularly strong and we all know that h/b doesn't always mean no m/c.

I'm a little freaked out, I have to say.  I know that as long as it isn't red we're probably OK, but it's not helping me feel less scared about it.

Bachelorette "party" ideas?

Thank you all so much for your comments yesterday.  I truly am going back and forth from feeling confident to feeling panicked.  (The roller coaster never ends...)  I'm just hoping this week will go quickly.

On a totally unrelated note:  I'm going to the wedding of one of my closest friends in three weeks and she asked me to be in charge of making going out to a bar a couple of nights before the wedding more bachelorette party-ish. Any ideas?  I have a few thoughts but I'd take some more if you've got them.

Note:  we're all a little dorky/geeky, in our mid-to-late 30s (doesn't mean we're mature, just less likely to get really drunk and squeal a lot) and the bride's mother will be there.  No random male appendages will be making an appearance!! ☺

How things are going

I'm 10w4d today.  Isn't that crazy?  Something about hitting the double digits just makes it seem huge. 


How are things going around here?  OK, really.  Work is back in full force and I'm trying to keep my head above water.  My anxiety levels have been rising quite a bit lately.  I think hormones have given my ability to calm myself down the old heave-ho.  I'd gotten pretty good at dealing with my chronic anxiety, but not right now.


I'm worried beyond reason for my u/s next week (a week from today).  This week is going to drag on forever.  I just can't get it out of my head that something will be wrong.  My DH has to keep telling me everything is OK.  It will be 5 weeks since the last u/s and it just makes me so nervous.  It was so early on at that point (the heart had just started beating) and I'm having a hard time trusting that things have been moving along well on their own. 

I think I'm just feeling like an impostor whenever I try to think of myself as pregnant and so I'm having a really hard time believing that it's true.  I don't mean to sound like such a nervous crazy person, but it's just how I'm feeling right now.

If I were a commenter on my blog I would say "it's normal to feel nervous and I'm sure everything is OK."  And, I know that's most likely true.  And, I keep saying that to myself.  And, I'm really trying to believe it.

Oy.

Some of you will recall the student who cried in my office about getting pregnant when I was hormonal and in the middle of an IUI cycle.  She ended up failing the class (despite my reaching out to her numerous times) because she only came to 1/6th of the class sessions (if that) -- and that was true even before she got pregnant.

I ran into her yesterday and overheard her saying the following:

"So, we went to register at Wal-Mart and my boyfriend was so excited because he figures we can register for 20 boxes of $20 diapers and then return them all and buy a flat screen."

She repeated this about three times.  It seems like her boyfriend, at least, was actually serious about this.  She then said "well, we'll be buying diapers anyway so we might as well get the flat screen as a present."  

She can't be serious, right?  She's got to be joking.  I'm going to go with she's joking.  Makes me feel better.

-------

I then had a strange realization -- our kids will likely be in the same class at school and we might have to interact as parents!  Can you say "awkward?"

Man, I know how the cows feel

My college has an active farm where they teach agriculture classes and do research. It's a small program so all the students get hands on experience. Great for pre-vet students or those who are planning on going into agriculture.

Friday night I accompanied a group of our summer students on a tour given by the farm manager. I've never identified more with cows and horses in my life.  I felt like they were describing my 9 months of visits to the RE.  (Warning, this is WAY TMI -- but with animals! ☺)

At the cow insemination barn:
"So, we give the cows injections to get all of their cycles to align."

It was killing me not to ask what drugs they were using.  Do they use BCG (bovine) instead of HCG?  Are they just getting them to ovulate or are they also stimming them?  Do you have to suppress for a while first so they'll all go at the same time? Or is it like when you have a bunch of women living together and their cycles all synchronize?

"The cows all line up in this chute and we take the cleaned bull semen samples and insert them into the uterus...with our hand."
Uh, can I say how grateful I am for the speculum and catheter at this point??!?  Can you imagine having to have someone shove their entire HAND up there?!

"We send them out into the pasture with the bull afterward because sometimes it just doesn't take.  The cow wasn't ready or, well, it just doesn't happen."
Kinda wanted to ask if they tracked the cows' temperatures to see if they'd actually ovulated.  Then I thought, wow, some of these poor cows must have unexplained infertility.  I feel bad for them.  (Especially since I imagine there's not much use for a breeding cow with infertility... eep.  Thank goodness that's not how they treat us...)

At the horse insemination barn:

OK, first off, fun fact:  bull semen can be frozen in liquid nitrogen indefinitely while horse semen has to be used within about 36 hours or so and breaks down if it is frozen.  Isn't that bizarre? 


"Here's the set-up for collecting the horse semen samples.  This is where the mare stands to get the stud excited -- she's behind a barrier so he can't get to her.  Here's where all the people stand to watch."
Thank goodness my poor DH didn't have to produce a sample with a bunch of people watching.  I will never be able to think of him as anything but a "stud" now, though.  I'm sure he doesn't mind...

"This is the AV -- that stands for artificial vagina."
I think I'd rather picture my DH using the sterile cup, thank you.

"One of our two studs is really good about using the AV.  If you put a certain harness on him he just comes right in and knows what to do.  He's ready."
Don't you see that same look after a while on all the men waiting at the RE's office?  OK, I'm here, I'm ready, give me the cup.


"We have special equipment that will wash the semen and count the number of good sperm so we can see how many different samples we can split the sample into to use on the mares.  Sometimes samples are good and sometimes they aren't."
How many times have we all discussed sperm counts from IUI samples?  I wonder how the stud feels about the numbers?

"Here is the ultrasound equipment we use to examine the horses.  This is what their follicles look like when they are about to ovulate.  We also use this to confirm a pregnancy."
I feel for you poor little mare having someone probe you every other week or so...

"This is the pen we put the mares in so we can inseminate them.  You're working at their backside and you really don't want to get kicked."
I definitely felt like kicking my RE more than once when she jabbed my cervix with the catheter.  OUCH.  Those are some nasty cramps.  And, again, that was just a catheter...not an entire hand!!


So, what have we learned today?  Fertility treatments are the same all over.  But, it could be worse! ☺

How did a week go by?

Hello bloggy world!

Hmm...how did a whole week go by since my last post?  We're gearing up for the summer session and I'm busy planning a new class.  I'm having a hard time focusing on it, though, as I mostly just want to sit around and sleep. (Sleeping a little better than before.  At least I can fall asleep, now.) We're also starting a new program on campus where we bring students up the summer before their freshman year to take a class and do some other enrichment activities.  It's part of a grant we got from the NSF to help increase the number of math and science majors.  I'm excited about it but really nervous.  The first five students got here yesterday and it was kind of cool to help them check into the dorms.  There's something about that "first day freshman" that I always love.  It instantly flashes me back to my first day of college.  You're nervous, you're excited, you want to distance yourself from your family and cling to them at the same time.  Your family is trying to put on a brave happy smile and they're so proud but wistfully sad.

In pregnancy news... I'm 9 weeks today.  I can't bring myself to do one of those weekly updates, yet.  Maybe in a few weeks. I do believe we're graduating from "embryo" to "fetus" today, though.   I had my first *actual* OB appointment on Wednesday.  Still didn't let the undergrad from my school in but there was a 4th year med student from the med school in town who came in with the doc.  That was OK with me.  I'm generally all about helping people learn and I won't overlap with this student.  She did my pap (and did a very good job, actually!) and then she repeated the pelvic exam after the doctor did it (after much groping because my uterus is tilted and they were having a hard time getting hold of my cervix).  And, we scheduled my NT scan for June 22nd.  I'll be 11w4d.  I'm nervously excited. 

My favorite part of the day? 

"Feel the uterus?  It's about the size of a large navel orange.  That's how an 8-10 week pregnant uterus feels."

My least favorite part of the day?  

Later when I went to the allergist to figure out how to schedule my allergy shots during my pregnancy.  They knew we were having problems TTC so they were very excited.  When you get weekly or biweekly allergy shots, you get to the know the people at the clinic quite well.  One of the nurses spent 15 minutes (after I told her we weren't telling people, yet) talking about her three losses and her and her daughter's endo (which was all incredibly sad and scary) and why it is good not to tell people too early.  Then she proceeded to tell everyone in the office I was pregnant.  Now, given, they need to know what's up, but I think she literally shouted it in the waiting room.  This is a problem because half the people I know get allergy shots at this same clinic (seriously, half the people I know -- we're a very allergic bunch).  No one was there right then but I'm nervous the nurses are going to start talking about it to people who know me.

You might think I'm paranoid, but small towns suck sometimes. 

I just want to make it through the first trimester with only the people I want knowing.  I guess I don't get a whole lot of say in that, though.