The 200th post

Today is a big day in many different ways.

• Today is the last day of classes!  Finals next week and lots of grading before that and after that, but no more classes or labs for a while.
• A year ago today, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test in absolute disbelief thinking that I'd mentally blocked out the "not" in front of the word "pregnant."  And, no, in the end it didn't work out.  But, I still think back wistfully to the utter joy I felt that day and for the subsequent two months as I was happily anxious and nauseous.  I can't believe an entire year has gone by since then, but I'm feeling positive that our next steps will get me back to that feeling again.
• Instead, this year, AF showed up today as I expected and I feel pretty cruddy.  FF said yesterday was the day, but I didn't agree with it on my O date. Anyway, I'm ready to move forward.  And, next week is the perfect time to start heading down to the RE's office again.   I'm a little afraid that the cyst is still there and we'll lose another month if he puts me on BCP to shrink it, but I'm keeping everything crossed that this rest month allowed it to shrink down.  We'll find out on Monday.
• I'm limping around in a dorky looking cast shoe.  With lots of pressing from my DH, I finally went to the doctor yesterday for my foot.  He kept watching me hobble and looking at the interesting blue/green shade of my foot and stopped picking on me and started telling me to go to the doctor.  (I was partly avoiding this because my current PCP is the doctor I went to when I was pregnant and I don't have great associations with him at the moment but haven't been able to switch doctors, yet.)  He x-rayed my foot and, as suspected, I broke a bone in my pinky toe.  It's in the proximal phalanx (which is the part of the toe that looks like it is part of the foot).  He basically said that he wanted to do the x-ray so he'd know how long it should hurt -- if it was just dislocated it would be about 2 weeks, if it was broken it would be about 4-5.  Apparently it's a spiral fracture which, while it looks worse than a simple fracture, is actually a good thing because there's so much surface area contact along the break it will keep it properly aligned and should heal without a problem.  And, as suspected, there's nothing else to do but keep the toes taped together and take tylenol.  The cast shoe, while dorky, does feel better than other shoes, though. It does make me keep having to explain how I stupidly broke my toe walking down one stair, though...  I need to come up with a more interesting story.  Any ideas?
• (I'm incredibly frustrated because I was just starting to get back into the habit of exercising (which, in a roundabout way, is what caused this) and now I'm sidelined from any exercise that involves being on my feet until it stops hurting to bend my foot.  GRRRR.  I'm going to refocus on pilates, I think, for the time being.)
• This is my 200th post!  Isn't that crazy?  Thank you, once again, to all of you out there for being here for me all this time and for all of my random babbling.  

Did I mention that it's the last day of classes?   And it's gorgeous outside?  I am SO leaving work early today!!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

A to Z of TTC

I can't seem to focus on anything else right now, so I'm hopping on the bandwagon!

First saw this by Michelle over at No, I'm not fat, just pregnant!  (LOVE that change of blog name... :) )

A. Age when you started TTC: 33.75

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: "BD" -- but not meaning "baby dance" in my head -- just "BD" to distinguish it from sex for fun.

C. Children wanted:  We've both always wanted two but we'd settle for one.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  1 cat (we had 2 when we started this process)

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatal vitamins, extra folic acid.  Haven't really tried a lot of other "snake oils."

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken:  Clomid, Femara, Follistim, HCG

G. Gain: My actual weight is where it was when we started TTC.  BUT, it's pretty much all changed to fat.  Probably a gain of 10 pounds of fat and a loss of 10 pounds of muscle, I'd say.  I didn't used to be this blobby.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Painful as hell.  Showed a blocked right tube.  My current RE says it's possible that the fibroid he recently removed may have been intermittently blocking the tube.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves:  Lack of insurance coverage for infertility.

J. Job title: Associate Professor of Chemistry

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Like I'd tell you that!!

L. Length of time TTC: 2 years 7 months

M. Miscarriages: One missed miscarriage at 11w6d

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: One OB, two REs.  (If I get pregnant again I'll be switching OBs, too.)

O. Ovarian quality: Questionable.  Borderline FSH levels but antral follie counts seem good.

P. POAS or wait for AF: Definitely a wait for AF girl.  There have been only three times or so that I've POAS before AF was due (yesterday, for instance).

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: From my department secretary "Your mother wants to be a grandmother.  I know she won't push you on that, so I will.  I'll remind you everyday!"  From a friend at work, "So, this may be nosy, but are you and your husband ever planning on having kids?"

S. Sperm: According to the RE, my DH has produced enough sperm during our 5 IUIs to impregnate 25 women.  He said "you're having sex with a very fertile man, something must be wrong." 

T. Time you tried naturally: 10 months naturally before seeking help, 4 months naturally when treatments were canceled, 6 months naturally post-m/c

U. Uterus quality: Fibroid in a "questionable" location removed in January.  Lining sometimes is an issue.

V. Vagina: Yes. 

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Only the things my MIL has sent us and my DH has hidden so I don't have to deal with it.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Well, other than the internet, not many.  Our parents know (we told them after about 14 months).  My DH's sister and a few close friends for each of us.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?):  I guess I'm due for one in a month or so.  We'll see if I go.  I know I should but I'm currently seeking out a new OB/Gyn.

Z. Zits: Come and go with the hormones.

So now you’ve read mine. What are your IF A to Zs?

Is it Tuesday already?

OK, so first of all, I have to admit to complete and utter ICLW failure.  I'm not even sure what happened.  I kept sitting down to look at blogs and comment and then...nothing.  I couldn't say anything and I just had to close them.  I'm going to attempt to catch back up with it slightly this week, but it's the last week of classes so that seems somewhat unrealistic.

I even failed to manage to really comment on friends' blogs this weekend.  Again, I just couldn't come up with anything to say.  I'm in a mental place right now where I just don't want to interact much.  There's some work stuff going on that involves someone who just really gets under my skin.  Add that to the hormonal place I am right now and I'm having a really hard time being zen about it.

And, thanks to those who have given me awards recently -- I'll get to them soon, I promise!

Anyway, so, yeah, it's Tuesday.  We had school off yesterday (we always get the Monday after Easter off so students can come back to school, it's very nice).  And, despite my best intentions, I got very little accomplished.  I just can't seem to get motivated.  Blech.

Yesterday ended with a bang -- I had, for the first time in a while, done some squats a few days ago and my thighs were aching.  So, of course, stairs were painful to walk down.  In my attempt to gingerly step down the two stairs to our den, I managed to slip and land with all of my weight on my bent over pinky toe.  I heard a "pop" and then my foot went completely numb.  I watched as my toe turned bright white and then red and, now, it's bruised all over and incredibly tender.  I assume I either broke the toe or dislocated it or something.  Of course, there's not much that can be done for it (I've done this before), so I've just taken some tylenol, taped it to the toes next to it and am hobbling around like an idiot wishing my shoes wouldn't touch the side of my foot.  My DH keeps laughing at me.  Not funny!  Sure, it might be just a little toe, but that doesn't make it any less painful to walk on.  Hopefully the withering look I gave him when he laughed will help him realize that soon.  (Or I may have to break his toe...)

I've been holding out hope that this "down" cycle would be a repeat of last April -- my temperatures have been tracking right along with that cycle and looking different from my other cycles.  Not much else positive to speak of, my breasts only just started to get tender, but that temp profile was just too pretty.  This morning (12DPO)  my temp spiked up really high and I lay in bed for a while imagining what it could mean.  I was even planning out my trips down to the RE's office to get betas.  I thought -- well, I can't really go today and tomorrow might be tough.  So, maybe I'll wait until Thursday.  Then I can go Thursday and Saturday and it will be just like this time last year!

So, I finally got out of bed and POAS -- and it was a white as white can be.  Not even a hint of a line.  I don't know that I really believed it would be positive, but I was more hopeful than I've been in a long, long time.  (I had to have been to POAS.  I could count the number of times I've spontaneously POAS in the last 2 1/2 years on one hand.  I'm a "wait for AF" girl, not a tester.)

Anyway, so, that's that.  AF is likely due on Thursday although I'm not entirely sure.  Just waiting it out, now.  

On the plus side -- it is the last week of classes.  Next week is finals.  I have SO much work to do, but, at some point, it will be "done."  I have a busy summer planned at work but I'm not teaching this summer (YAY!) which means my schedule will (mostly) be my own.  I'm truly looking forward to it. 

And, the timing will be good for treatment.  The treatment(s) that will work!!!

Good morning, good morning!

(Picture Debbie Reynolds in "Singing in the Rain" as you read that title...)

(But don't picture the fact that the next line is "It's great to stay up late" because I didn't stay up late, I just have this stuck in my head for no particular reason.)

(Well, other than the fact that it is morning and I've been randomly singing songs from various musicals for about a week.)

(Speaking of which, my TiVo taped "The Pirate" for me as a suggestion last weekend and, when watching the dream ballet sequence with Gene Kelly in hot pants, I blurted out to my husband "man, he has sexy legs."  Boy howdy.  See the scene on YouTube starting at about the 4:00 mark. Am I wrong?  I don't think so.) 

(OK, so, apparently my brain is in a little bit of a distracted place.  I mean, I don't usually start posts parenthetically.  Yeesh.)

Let's try this again.  Good morning everyone and welcome anyone from ICLW!  I wasn't going to do ICLW this month because it is the last week of the semester and work is crazy, but then I remembered that next week was NIAW and I realized I wanted to participate in that as much as possible.  So, here we are.

As always, for my overly detailed history see the sidebar.  Briefly (or as brief as I can be, ha!), we've been TTC our first since 10/2008.  After 20 months we got pregnant on a "down" cycle only to miscarry at about 11.5 weeks.  That BFP was a year ago this month.  I had a lap to remove a fibroid, a bit of endo and some adhesions in January.  March was our first Follistim IUI.  This month I'm on the medication sidelines again due to a large-ish leftover cyst from our last cycle.  Today starts the 1WW of a natural cycle. 

I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself this month, I think.  I know the cyst reduces our chances of even a natural cycle, but I keep thinking that it would sure be nice to conceive exactly one year after the last time.  Not really feeling it and all signs point to "no," but it would be nice. 

I've also been feeling a little down because it's Passover and I, once again, missed my family's Seder because I'm just too damn far away and can't miss school during the last two weeks of class.  My DH truly doesn't understand and it's just adding to all the "end of the semester" stress.

Thanks for all the support from my last post.  With a few days passing, I feel much better and less snarky jealous about it.  I actually found myself getting excited sharing information with M about testing, etc.  I do think this has great potential to bring us even closer and back together a bit from the past few years.

Anyhoo, I should probably get ready for my morning lab. 

("Good morning, good morning to you!")

(I have a strong desire to dance onto the back of a couch and make it fall over gracefully.)

"Sharing" IF with a friend

I have a good friend IRL, we'll call her M.  She's one of my closest friends, even though we rarely see each other (she lives in California) and we don't even talk that much anymore.  We met in college but didn't become close until after graduation -- which was 16 years ago, now, for me and 17 for her.  When we get together, though, it's always like no time has passed.  We laugh and cry and it just "works," you know?  She is one of only a very few IRL friends who have had any idea what's really been going on with us on the TTC front for the past few years.  I was visiting her the first cycle I was on Clomid and the first time I was using OPKs.  She was the only person I told *all* about it.  She was the first friend I told I was pregnant (at 9 weeks) and the first I told I'd miscarried two weeks later.  I wish desperately that we lived anywhere near each other.  Over the years we've talked about how great it would be if one of us ended up working where the other one was.  I miss the closeness we used to have. 

We were friends through the "lean" years of our 20s when we would e-mail back and forth about how horrible our dating lives were, great new prospects for partners and how uncertain/stressful/crazy our work lives had become.  Every so often we'd drift apart for an extended period, but we'd always come back to each other.  Our relationship has mostly been through long, personal, detailed e-mails.  Looking back over our e-mail exchanges is like reading old diaries.  It was my blog before I had a blog!  Often we'd start an e-mail with "warning, journaling coming up."  Over the years, we watched other friends get married and have kids but we were always the "single" friends who were there for each other.  We talked about what we were looking for in a partner and the future. We talked about our uncertainties with having kids and what we thought "marriage" would look like for us.  We vented about the obnoxious "friends" who mocked us and looked down on us for being in our 30s and not married.  The ones who thought that only their way was the "right way." 

When I first started dating my DH, she was the one who I told everything.  (Some of which came back to bite me when she read old e-mails (thankfully edited!) during her toast at my rehearsal dinner!!!)  When my DH and I had issues the first few months after we moved in together trying to figure out how to combine 10 years of living on our own?  She heard them all and was there for me offering to bitch him out if I needed it.  When we got over our problems and things turned around and became what they are today, she was there cheering me on.  I was there for her for the same reasons.  Always supportive, always caring.  She was my maid of honor who kept me sane and laughing when I was a basket case over buying a wedding dress and I was part of her wedding last July.  She had a small ceremony with one or two people representing each phase of her life and I was beyond honored to be the representative of her college years.

We've drifted apart, it's true.  It makes me sad.   Time and distance do that to you.  The past few years of infertility have only exacerbated that.  For the first 7 months or so that we were trying, I told her a little bit about what we were doing, but she was still in "looking for a partner" mode.  It's not like she wouldn't have been sympathetic or tried to understand.  But, I just didn't know how much she *really* wanted to know.  Then, with a whirlwind romance, she found the "one."  They were quickly engaged and talking about the future and kids, etc.  She went from "maybe I want kids" to "we'll start trying by 'x' date."  They were engaged over a year and, initially, she talked about starting to try a few months before they got married.  Having just started down the path of IF testing, etc., I strongly encouraged her to start taking folic acid and to get off the pill and use "alternative means of protection" for a few months so that she could see what her body was doing by the time they did get started.  I'm about 2 1/2 years younger than she is and that never meant anything until, at 34 (at the time) I was already starting to feel like I may have waited too long.  I didn't want to push, though.  Who really wants to hear about infertility when you still think it will just "work" for you?  And, when, in the end, she and her husband decided to wait until several months after they were married to start trying, I just stayed in the background because that is a personal decision.  But, privately all I could think was "GET IN THE BEDROOM RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW!!!!!"

They started trying last fall and I screwed up my courage and tried to let her know how much I wanted TTC to be easy for her.  How, if it worked quickly, I *wanted* her to let me know but to know how it would probably still be difficult for me, as happy as I'd be for her.  I hesitated saying it because I didn't want to make it about me, but I wanted her not to feel uncomfortable telling me what was going on.  When I told her I was pregnant last year a few weeks before her wedding, she told me how she had really been hoping I'd be pregnant by the time she got married.  I imagine that it was partly the same reason why I *really, really* hope that my cousin and his wife (who have been trying for a year longer than we have and have had two losses) announce a successful pregnancy soon.  I don't want to add to their unhappiness if it happens for us sooner.

M's just hitting the 7 month mark and we've talked a little over the past few months about what they're going through (along with what we've been going through).  At nearly 39, her timeline is, understandably, more urgent.  I know she's looking for someone who understands to talk to about it.  (We all know how important it is to find someone who you can talk to about TTC.)  I've recommended she check out some on-line groups.  I've told her about the IF blog-world.  She's said she feels funny telling me how tough it's going knowing what we've been through.  She said she knew it might be hard for them but she was just hoping it wouldn't be.  I definitely remember that feeling.  When my SIL, who knew what she was talking about, said "it might take a while," I nodded and agreed but secretly thought "of course it will be easy for us."

So, what brought all this up?  She's been doing bloodwork over the past few months and, last week, told me how she was nervous to go to the doctor to get further checked out because she was afraid what the answer would be.  I sympathized and told her a little more about what we're doing now.  This morning I opened my e-mail to see a message from her that she's now going gung-ho into testing (HSG, etc. coming up soon) and that her doctor is recommending, given her age, either straight to IVF or a few Clomid/IUI tries and then IVF.  She's starting to look at their money situation and figuring out what they would need for IVF.

Reading that freaked me out and I haven't been able to respond, yet.  I WANT this to work for her.  I DON'T WANT her to go through what we're going through.  But, at the same time, I'm stuck in this "off" cycle fearing that my cyst won't get smaller by next cycle and we'll lose another one.  Feeling that we're going to have to go through one or two more failed FSH IUIs before finally trying IVF.  (I know the injects might very well work, but I'm just feeling discouraged right now.)  I'm exactly where I was a year ago wishing that we could move on to IVF sooner and feeling like I have to convince my husband of that and that everything else we're doing is pointless.  (Obviously it isn't but, again, I'm feeling very discouraged.)  And, no, I don't want her to wait and wait to get to IVF if that is what it will take for them to get pregnant.  But, I still feel a huge sense of jealousy that she might be able to go through this sooner than I will given all the "dues" I've paid already. And, it's not like IVF is a guarantee.  But, just the idea of being able to do IVF fills me with jealousy.

And, it might be perfect, right?  We might go through it together.  And, even if I haven't done IVF, I've definitely had more experience with people who have and done more research than she has so far and may be able to answer some of her questions about it or direct her to people who can.  And, one way or another, this might be perfect and we might end up both getting pregnant within a really short period of time of each other and have kids the same age.  Isn't that the dream?  To be pregnant the same time as one of your closest friends?  It could bring us closer again.  I guess I'm afraid, though, what happens if it doesn't happen for both of us.

I hate IF.  I hate that it has made me jealous of people because they get to have invasive medical treatment sooner than I do!  What the hell is wrong with me?  I hate that it has made even the smallest part of me want to yell "NO!!  IT IS MY TURN" to one of my closest "always there for me" friends.  I want to be supportive of her.  I KNOW how tough this is to go through.  But, I can't keep myself from thinking "only 7 months!  It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!!"  And, I hate myself for it.  I know that I wouldn't wish multiple years of infertility on anyone.  But, it doesn't make me feel like any less of a jealous, snarky bitch for thinking it at all.

I haven't shared my blog with M.  I'm not sure why since, in the past, these posts would have been e-mails to her.  I guess I feel like here I'm just in my head with people who don't know the "real" me.  (Although, honestly, you know the real me more than most of the people I know IRL.)  I'm not sure if she's found it or not.

If you're out there, M, I love you and wish you absolutely, positively only the best and hope you don't mind that I've shared this story.  I'm sorry that I'm going to be a jealous, snarky bitch sometimes.  I want to be there to support you.  Thank you for being there for me for so long.  I hope that your tests go smoothly and you have an easy path to pregnancy and a baby.  And, I just really, really, really, really hope we get to be pregnant together incredibly soon.

For the rest of you, thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for understanding (I hope) the jealous, snarky bitch side of me.

And, thanks for reading this incredibly long post.  ☺

Bulleted lists are fun!

It's been a busy, crazy week and there's lots running through my mind. So, we're going with bullets today.

• Thanks to all of you for your comments on the last post.  And, thanks to those who sent people this way.  That post has had 250 views (and counting) -- twice as many as any other post I've written!  Craziness!!  It started when I told my DH what my stepdad said about "stopping after spending so much time and  money right before you get there."  He laughed out loud and then said "no, fertility treatment is like going to a car lot where 90 % of the cars work and for the last 10 % they just keep changing out more and more expensive parts without knowing if the new part has any real chance of helping."  It just struck me how true that feels sometimes and, for the rest of the night, we just kept coming up with extensions of the analogy and then it was all I could think about all weekend. I loved Womb for Improvement's addition in the comments:  

womb for improvement said...

"This is such bad luck, the other day a couple just walked past the car lot, they didn't even want a car, yet one started up all by themselves and followed them home."

• I think I can officially say that my lap in January was worth doing.  I've been wondering if I was going to ovulate late this cycle because I realized I hadn't been feeling the incredible abdominal pain I normally have starting CD6.  Then, two days ago (on CD13), I started seeing large amounts of EWCM which usually is accompanied by crazy abdominal pain.  And, suddenly I thought "hey, that's right, the major point of the surgery was to try to keep my mid-cycle pain from happening!"  This is the first "natural" cycle I've had since the lap and it seems to have worked in that regard.  I'm close to O'ing and, today, my cyst started hurting a lot.  But, in any previous cycle -- I would have been doubled over in pain for the past week or so.  I don't know if it was removing the fibroid, the adhesions, the small amount of endo or what.  But, whatever it was, I am really thankful.
• Speaking of ovulating, when I told my DH that I would ovulate soon, he said "I don't think you're quite there, yet.  I think you'll ovulate on Saturday." Why, you ask?  Apparently, after more than 2 1/2 years of timed intercourse, he can...ahem..."tell."  By the way...ahem..."things"...feel...you know....  (Excuse me while my face turns beet red -- I'm not so much a "sharer" when it comes to these sorts of things!!)  We'll soon see if he's right.  I knew *I* knew my body after all this time but I didn't realize how much *he* did, too!
• I just sent in my final 2010 reimbursement requests for my cafeteria plan. Reviewing it all in chronological order shows a kind of depressing year. January, February and March there were ultrasounds and IUIs and fertility meds. Then nothing (because my insurance completely pays for all "normal" pregnancy related testing and ultrasounds, just nothing to try to get pregnant). Then, June there were co-pays for "emergency" pregnancy appointments. Then, a series of ultrasounds of "pregnant uterus" spaced way too close to each other to be good news. Then pain medications and medications for helping complete the miscarriage. Then, from October through December, biweekly appointments with a therapist. I wonder if the person filing the paperwork will realize what's going on. It would make me sad to look at it if I came across that.
• I've been working on a new class for a while that I'm looking to teach next Spring. I've been having the hardest time making myself actually submit the paperwork for it, though. It's mostlly done, I just can't seem to get it turned in. My department chair asked me about it yesterday and I started to panic and almost started crying. I finally realized why -- I don't want to be *able* to teach it next Spring. If I get pregnant in the next three months, I'd be on maternity leave in the Spring. If I get pregnant in the two months following that, I would likely have to leave mid-semester, so I wouldn't be able to teach a new class since someone else will have to take over when I go. So, I think I have a severe mental block on getting this new class submitted because, as much as I want to teach it, I DON'T want to teach it! I hate IF.
• It's Friday! I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to the weekend. I have to work Saturday morning and have a lot of grading to do. But, still, the idea of my time being my own is making me very happy.
• Only two weeks left of classes. YAYAYAYAY!!
• I love my parents and am so glad they came to visit. But, I have to say that having my stepfather visit is like having a rambunctious five year old in your house. In the 72 hours they were here he managed to shatter a light fixture and leave broken glass all over the floor of the guest room, break the upstairs toilet, permanently stain a guest towel with some sort of black grease, dent the top of one of our new cupboard doors (luckily it isn't incredibly noticable or my DH might have attacked him), leave oil stains in the driveway and *intentionally* leave wet towels on the wood floor in the guest room after they left leaving permanent damage to the floor (my mother asked him to put them away so he unfolded one onto the floor, right next to the hamper, and bunched the rest of them on top of it). I guess it's good "kid" prep.
• Did I point out how happy I am that it's Friday? Yahooooooooo!!!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! You know what I'll be doing. *Blush*

The hubby's metaphor

The following was inspired by my husband's metaphor for the infertility treatment process.  (Please note in advance that I don't really think that having or adopting a baby is like buying a car!!!)

Good morning and welcome to the car lot! We've got a lot of cars for you to choose from.

And, the best thing?  They're all free!

You might have to turn the key a few times to get them going.  There's about a 20% chance that it will work each time you turn the ignition. Don't get discouraged if it takes a few minutes to get it started.

Well, at least that's true for about 90% of the cars on our lot.

What?  You've been turning the key for an hour and yours doesn't work?  Well, we can try replacing the starter.  It'll cost you about $200. I have no idea if that's what's wrong but, why not?  It's a good first guess.

That didn't work?  Well, let's just try it again. Here's another starter.

Still no luck?  Let's try a starter one more time.

Huh.  Well, OK.  So, the starter didn't work.  Let's try flushing the fluids and see if something is stopping it up.  That'll cost you about $1000.

Well, everything looks OK.  But, you know, some people say that just pushing fluid through the engine will give you better results.  Try cranking it again a few more times.

Wow.  That's odd.  I wish I knew what's wrong. Sometimes these things are just unexplained.  Let's just try replacing the engine cooling system.  It works about 20% of the time.  I'm sure that's all you need.  It'll be about $2000.

Well, I guess that wasn't the right cooling system.  Let's try it again. If we tweak it a bit, I'm sure it will work.

Really?  Still, it isn't working? 

OK, I know what will do it.  Let's replace the entire engine. There's about a 40% chance that it will help.  It'll only cost you $15,000. 

You know, it's starting to get dark.  We don't have a lot of time.  If you want this car you're going to have to make some decisions quickly.  I wish you'd gotten here earlier in the day.  The cars are much more likely to work earlier in the day.

Still no luck?  Well, I guess it won't hurt to try it again. Maybe this time you'll get two cars to start at once!

It didn't work?  I *know* this will work for you.  I guess you just haven't been lucky.  I'm *sure* just one more engine replacement will do it.

Still?

Hey, look, some of your friends are back for their second car today.  It's amazing, they got it to start on the first try again! Aren't you happy for them? 

Hey your car started!!!  Wow, this is awesome!  Go on, take it off the lot and enjoy.  Make sure to send us pictures when you get it home.  What?  It stopped running as soon as you got off the lot?  I'm so sorry.  I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Man, I wish I knew why this car wasn't working.  I know how much you want this.

Well, you know, there's another lot up the street.  Their cars are free, too, but you've got to pay about $20,000 to the agent.  Lawyers are involved and a lot of notarized documents and they'll check you out to make sure you'll take good care of your car.  They can guarantee that their cars will work, though.  You could try for an import; some people say it's easier.   But, there's a chance that you'll lose the car to someone else.  And, there's a really long waiting list for their cars and it might take a while.  And, there will be some struggles along the way.  But, I know that if you get one of those cars you'll absolutely love it and it will be yours forever.  It's worth the cost and the wait and the stress.  It really is.

Or, we could keep trying here. Just one more time, huh?  I'm *sure* this engine is the right one.  You won't believe how much you're going to love this car once we get it going.  Here's some pictures of my cars.  Aren't they beautiful?

No luck?

Well, maybe if you just relax.  I'm sure if you stop trying to crank the engine it will just start on its own. I have a friend whose car started as soon as she walked off the lot and started the paperwork at the lot up the street.  It happens all the time!

Just one more try?  It's *got* to work this time.

Conversation with my parents

IF is funny sometimes.  I never thought I'd casually chat about my ovaries and uterus with my stepfather.  And, in the year or so that we've been open with my family about our infertility, I've really only ever talked to my mom about it.  I know that S knows what's going on, but we've never just sat down and talked about it.  Yesterday, my mom, S and I were sitting around on the couch and started talking about my canceled cycle and my crazy perfectly timed trips back and forth to the RE's office last cycle and I suddenly had this moment where I realized I had just said "Well, Clomid gave me similar ovarian cysts but worse and really destroyed my uterine lining" while looking directly at S.  It was weird because it didn't feel weird.

Except that it did.

Does that make sense?

At one point I was saying how tired I am of all of this and how we don't know how much more money and time and energy we can throw at it.  I said "We'll see what happens next and then make some decisions about when it is time to just stop."  My stepdad said "Well, it would be a shame to have put all that time and effort and money into it and then stop right before you get there."  It really made me stop and think.  In their minds, it's just "one more step" and then it will work.   And, to them, obviously, it will work, it's just a matter of time.  In my mind, at some point I come to the conclusion that, even though I know we still have a great chance of success, there's a distinct possibility that this will never work.  I don't mean to be pessimistic about it, just realistic.

I've realized that this isn't a matter of "paying your dues."  Some people have paid enough dues to build a country club and still had no luck.  And, some just luck out earlier on.  Each and every one is as deserving as the others but I wish sometimes that there was some sort of cosmic balance sheet that said "oh, look, she's completed 15 lines here, it's time to give her what she wants."  It wouldn't be that everyone has to complete all 15 lines.  But, if you made it to the 15 lines without success then you would automatically get to move ahead.

I tried to explain to them that IF is tough because it is the first time in my life that I've had to really accept the fact that I have no control over the results.  All our lives we've been told that if you work hard enough, you'll get there.  If you want something, try, and it will work.  And, for the most part, it's been true.  With IF?  That's just not so anymore.  You can work hard and try hard and do everything perfectly and still end up exactly where you were at the beginning.  A year can go by and you're right back where you were, having the same conversations about what comes next and you don't even know how it happened and you feel like you're treading water.  That's why it is so hard to figure out when you should stop.  I'm always thinking "well, if we just try *one* more thing.  Maybe this will be it."  It's so hard to let go of that.

And, no, we're not ready to stop, yet.  And, we have great options open to us, still.  But, that day isn't as far off as it used to be.  And, I think I'm a lot more realistic about accepting it if it does come.

After that, we started talking about wills and insurance and inheritance and burials and things like that (because of all the sudden deaths lately: my colleague, the student, my friend's dad where we realized we need to touch on these things with our parents).

You know, much lighter stuff.

Wordful Wednesday

('Cause I'm incapable of being "wordless.")

Lots of random things:

• This afternoon I'm going to a memorial service for a colleague who died in a motorcycle accident last week.  He was my DH's age and the sweetest person you've ever met.  A big, burly rugby playing guy who ran the tutoring program on campus and cared greatly about students.  I help run a program for students coming to campus the summer before their freshman year to take science and math classes and we've been working with him all year to help set up our program for this summer.  It is just so incredibly sad.  I've felt on edge all weekend thinking about his loss.  I didn't know him outside of professional interactions, but those were always positive and inspiring.  I keep seeing pictures of him with his 3 year old son and it was obvious that he absolutely loved him more than life.  It just makes me very sad.
• Later tonight there is another memorial service on campus for a freshman who died over the weekend in another car accident.  This is just so sad.  I can't even imagine how hard this is for her family and friends.  
• It's getting to the point where I dread opening my e-mail for fear of another announcement about a death on campus. 
• Please, everyone out there, be careful.  The student wasn't wearing a seatbelt -- others in the car were and had only minor injuries.  Please be safe.  I really can't handle more of these announcements.  OK?
• My parents are coming into town tomorrow for the weekend.  Yesterday evening I returned my "closet" to "guest room" status.  (All my clothes are in the closet in the guest room and half of the time it looks like the room itself is my closet because the storage space is hard to access and I'm lazy.)  It will be nice to have them up here.  And, nice not to need to shoot up or have to drive to appointments while they're here.  (Yay for canceled cycles?)
• As happy as I am to see my family, their visit is stressing me out because I have to work most of the time and I have tons of things to do this weekend and I have no idea how I'm going to keep them entertained.  And, the rest of my house (except for the kitchen ☺) is still chaos that we're only slowly digging out from under after the kitchen repairs.  I'm hoping we can get some more done with it tonight before they get here.  Of course, I have a meeting from 8-9 tonight, so I have no idea how that's going to work out.
• I wasn't feeling the cyst at first, but today it's starting to hurt.  I was actually about to post a comment about how much the cysts I've gotten before hurt and how little this one did and how maybe having the fibroid out and having the small amount of endo out was helping that.  But, now it is noticeable.  It definitely hurts less, though.  Although, of course, this time I have one 4 cm cyst and the last time I had two at that size or larger on each ovary.  A slight difference.
• This PETA thing is making me so angry.  I've signed the petition and I'm trying to carefully word my own letter after reading wonderful ones by Keiko and Katie and others.  Sure, bring attention to overpopulation of animals and people.  I don't care about that.  Sure, give away a free vasectomy.  For many men, that's a responsible thing to do.  The campaign itself is fine.  But, to do it in "celebration" of a week to bring understanding about a disease?   I know PETA is all about "shock" but this isn't "shocking" it's mean spirited and designed to put blame for the ills of the world on the infertile population. WTF?
• Yesterday when I got my biweekly allergy shots, I was relieved to see that the nurse was finishing up the record sheet of my shots.  It's taken a year to get rid of this particular sheet.  At the top of it, in bold, with bright yellow highlighting it says "leave at ___ dose for the duration of her pregnancy" which is then crossed out and dated with "miscarriage" written next to it.  I see it every single time I go to the damn place.  Not to mention that the woman who usually gives me my shots was on maternity leave when I was pregnant after I watched her get more and more pregnant while I was having 9 months of failed treatment cycles.  Anyway, I'm glad to finally be moving on to a new page.  Definitely time for a fresh start.

Yeah, I'm just in a "yucky" place right now.  Everything feels just kind of sad and uncertain.  I'll snap out of it soon.  Just so much going on.

Once again...nevermind

Don't you love when you make plans and they get canceled?  I know I do!  There's nothing I find more exciting than sitting around waiting.  Really, it's lots of fun.

Yeah, so there's a 4 cm cyst left over on my right ovary.  So, this cycle is canceled.  While a small part of me is relieved to not have to schedule appointments during the last month of classes, the rest of me is incredibly disappointed.  I hate sitting out cycles. It feels so useless.

I'm holding onto the tiniest bit of hope that the LAST time I had to sit out a cycle that I thought I would be able to do (not for cysts but for schedule problems) I got pregnant with just OPKs and temping.  And, it was exactly one year ago.  So, we'll try on our own "just in case."  I guess it is possible.

Otherwise, Dr. Smiles thinks things went pretty well although he thought my E2 level was low and he could have pushed me another day.  So, next time, we'll probably either have a higher dose or slightly longer, I think. 

Ah, well. 

(Thanks, again, to all of you for your comments on my BFN post.  Y'all are awesome.)

Nope

Not surprisingly, the test was negative.  And, about 30 minutes after the test, AF showed up.

Things I've learned this cycle:

• My body responds well to FSH.  That's a good thing.
• I'm really glad that I still temp.  Seriously.  I know others don't like the uncertainty of it.  But, for me, realizing three days ago that this cycle was likely not going to happen has lessened the blow this morning. For me, my temps are an excellent sign of success or failure.  My BFP cycle looked dramatically different than any other cycle.  This cycle looked just like all the others. 
• I've never felt less pregnant than I did yesterday.  As soon as my "self produced" progesterone started to drop, my boobs got less tender.  Yesterday they stopped hurting at all.  I started getting a migraine and I just sort of felt ready to move on.
• I'm glad AF showed up this morning.  OK, that's not entirely true.  I, obviously, wish AF didn't show at all.  But, showing up today gave me my standard 13 day LP.  I was worried that the progesterone would keep AF away and keep me wondering if "just in case" the test was too early.
• Three ripe eggs and 80 million sperm mean absolutely nothing.

I am, of course, really sad and disappointed.  But, I think my initial mourning was a few days ago so now I'm just kind of "blah."  I sense this weekend getting worse, though, as AF hits harder and I feel like crap.

I assume this next cycle will be the same as the last. I responded well.  My DH produced super sperm.  We just didn't have any luck.  I have my baseline appointment scheduled for Monday at 11 am for CD4.  It'll be a fun crazy round trip canceling tutoring hours and trying not to miss classes, again. 

And, hey, this cycle started on April 1st and my BFP cycle last year started on April 2nd.  Both of them started on a Friday, though, so this is actually exactly one year later.  Maybe that means something.  Like I said before, I'm kind of afraid of getting pregnant this cycle and having every date line up.  But, I'll take it.  Definitely.

Thanks to all of you so much for your support.  Your comments have kept me going.  I don't know what I'd do without you.