Just not feeling it

I realize that it's not over until I get the negative test and AF rears her head, but I'm really not feeling it right now.  All signs point to typical (if overly exaggerated) PMS.  My temperature is headed down -- although the prog suppositories seems to be keeping it up slightly.  My boobs, while still somewhat tender, are nowhere near as tender as they were just three days ago and have gone back to normal size.  All are a sure sign that my body is producing less progesterone on its own.  I'm 12DPO today and that's typical timing for me.

I was teary eyed and depressed all day yesterday.  I was on the verge of tears and finally just sat with my DH and cried about this cycle failing (even though we don't know, yet, if it has) and cried about how much longer we can even do this.  And cried about the fact that my mother will be in town in a week and a half and I'll have to be giving myself shots while she's here.  And cried that I want to move to IVF sooner than he does.  And just cried.  Just like any normal 2 days or so before the end of a cycle.

My emotions are definitely PMS.  I have an obsessive personality and my mind tends to get focused in an endless loop a lot.  That is nowhere as evident as when AF is on the way. 

(Really stupid, embarrassing, anxiety-ridden, paranoid, obsessive story to follow.)

Yesterday, a colleague walked into my teaching lab and saw an equation I'd written on the board for my students two hours earlier -- one they weren't even using in their experiment, just one that I used to help introduce what they were doing.  As he was looking at it, I realized that I'd put a minus sign where there should have been a plus.  I knew he noticed it, too, but he didn't say anything.  From that moment on, I couldn't stop obsessing about that minus sign.  I realized I'd used the same equation the day before.  What sign had I put then?  Did my other colleague, the one whose specialty this particular area is, notice it when he walked through the lab?  Were they gossiping about how stupid I was?  (My department is very gossip-y and everyone likes to point out others' failings behind their backs.  It's a great place, really.  Very supportive.  I feel happy every day.  Yep.)  I felt like an idiot.  I felt like they were thinking "man, what the hell is she teaching these kids." 

So, I obsessed about it all night long.  I started shoveling chocolate down my throat in an attempt to feel better.  I couldn't sleep.  My brain wouldn't stop going back to that damn minus sign.  Every time I would start to drift off, that stupid minus sign would pop back up again.  I did my C+B meditation.  But, as soon as it was done (and she had rudely woken me up by telling me I should go to sleep), my brain started to obsess again. 

Then, my brain started to do the other thing it does when I get into an obsessive, anxious state.  A song started playing on endless loop.  It's not just like getting a song stuck in your head (I generally have a song stuck in my head all the time, it's never quiet in there).  It's like one line of the song just keeps going over and over and over again and my mind is actively singing it.  It's torturous.  It totally prevents me from relaxing.  Finally, I had to get up and sleep on the couch with the TV on so that there wasn't silence where my brain could do its own thing when I started to drift off.  Of course, that doesn't really make for a restful night, so I slept awfully. 

And, do you want to know the worst, most stupid, most ridiculous, most idiotic part of all?

It was all in my head -- I realized this morning that the minus sign was correct.

Yeah, that's how anxious I am right now.  I'm not only obsessing about things, I'm torturing myself with things that aren't even true.

So, sure, maybe I'm wrong about AF coming, too.  I hope so.  But, I'm seriously not feeling it.

Best. Distraction. Ever.

I found my distraction.

I have been drooling over Kinect since it came out last year.  This is an unusual thing for me.  I'm not a video game person and I also never buy the "newest thing."  Or, honestly, even the "oldest thing" if I can't justify buying it.  And, by "justify" I mean debate buying it for about 2 years until I convince myself it is completely unnecessary and I forget about it.  I mean, I don't even have a smart phone because I can't justify the data plan.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE technology.  I just also LOVE not spending money on things I don't need. (Ironically, I got an iPad the second week after they came out, but that was for work -- and I'm addicted to it.  Don't you take it from me.  I mean it.  Don't do it or you'll lose your hand.)

But, Kinect?  It just looked SOOOO cool.  As close to a holodeck as I can get in my living room.

(Yes, I'm a Star Trek nerd.  I really like walking around with my iPad like it's a P.A.D.D.)

I mean, even when my MIL asked what I wanted for Chanukah/my birthday and I knew she wanted to spend at least $300 (money = love for her), when I REALLY wanted a Kinect, I said "oh, what we need is cash to help with the kitchen and fertility treatments."  Because, that's what we needed money for and I couldn't justify getting something that seemed so frivolous.

But, I WANTED it.

So, I've been watching it on-line at multiple stores.

And, last week?  It went on sale.  Well, it was "buy the console, get the game you've been really wanting for free."

So, after about three days of internal and external debate (my DH kept saying "you really want it, do it") I bought it!  (I think part of his reasoning was that then he'd have an XBox 360 to play with since he'd been wanting one for a long time.  But, he could act like it was MY purchase.  Yeah, we're pitiful.)

It arrived on Saturday morning and it is just about the most fun thing ever!!!  Seriously -- Best. Distraction. Ever!

I'm SO happy I treated myself.

Of course, I did have to justify it -- but it's a pretty good justification.  It gets your heartbeat up and I'm sore from dancing around all weekend.  Anything that gets my ass off the sofa on a regular basis is worth it!! 

If you promise to ignore how greasy I look and how messy my living room is, I'll share a picture.

Promise?

OK.

I'm flying!

Note my grading on the table in the background.  Whenever I got frustrated by yet another student who would have done so much better if he would just FOCUS -- I got up and danced away the anger!

I didn't even think about being on a beach!

Or, the contents of my uterus.

OK, so that's not entirely true.  But, it definitely was less than if I'd spent the whole weekend on the couch grading.

(Also, please note, after a bit I realized that I should probably stop doing things that were too "high impact" so I changed to a less bouncy game...just in case.)

As for the state of my uterus?  Beats the hell out of me.  I'm bloated, I've got giant boobs (I mean, more giant), they're hurting.  But?  Progesterone explains it all. 

Four more days.

Nevermind...

Here's what I thought I'd see out of my window when I woke up this morning -- palm trees, waves, sunshine, seagulls.

Here's what I actually saw out of my window when I woke up this morning:

(OK, so it wasn't that bad and I didn't get a picture, but everything was covered in snow and when I walked to work it was snowing.)

The trip to Miami for the conference?  Didn't so much happen.

Wednesday night there was an explosion at the fuel depot at the Miami airport that caused a huge fire.  The fire was put out by early Thursday morning (and I don't think anyone was injured), but the fuel pumps were damaged and they had to truck fuel to the planes instead of pumping it which, apparently, takes a really long time.  So, lots of delays in flights going out caused lots of delays in flights going in.  And, for many (including us), canceled flights.  Major sad day!!!

As much as I don't really like traveling, I was SO looking forward to getting out of town for a little while and relaxing on the beach a bit.  And enjoying some warm weather.  And eating Cuban food!  I have been craving fried plantains since we first decided to go to this conference in October!!!

(Oh, yeah, and going to a conference and networking and giving a presentation and learning stuff about science and math education, too.)

(Lucky for me that I didn't brag about getting to be in the sun while snow was expected here or people would be attacking me today!)

I'd heard about the fire before we left yesterday morning, but, at that point, it sounded like it wasn't causing a real problem for flights coming into Miami.  When we got to the airport 3 hours later (we live in the middle of nowhere) we walked up to the kiosk and started to check in.  The agent behind the counter looked at us and said "where are you going."  I smiled and said "Miami."  He sadly shook his head and I asked "we're not?"  He proceeded to tell us the flight was canceled and that we needed to go stand in line to talk on the courtesy telephones to rebook.  We spent about a half hour on both the courtesy phones and our cell phones and on-line trying to do so only to have American disconnect our calls over and over again every time they told us they were putting us on indefinite hold ("Your wait will be over an hour") to speak to an agent.  The other passengers who were getting through, were told that the best they could do was send them the next day, if that, and there weren't even any open options of other airports around the area.  (Apparently there are all sorts of things (giant music festival, etc.) going on in Miami this weekend so flights were overbooked.)

(I must say, I was highly unimpressed with how American handled this.  I've had similar problems arise when flying Delta recently and they were overly accommodating.  They sent me e-mails about the status of the flight and automatically rebooked me before I even knew the flight was canceled.  They called me and left a message (an actual person did) to tell me what was going on.  When I called back because I needed to re-rebook, when they had too high a volume they said "your wait will be long, give us a number and we'll call you back when an agent is available" or they said "we're overloaded right now, call us back later" and didn't just disconnect me without warning.  They let me do things on-line -- American wouldn't.  And, then, the wait wasn't really that bad -- and this was when it was 5 pm on Christmas Eve and they had just canceled 700 flights for Christmas Day!!  And, the Delta agents on the phone couldn't have been nicer about it all.  And, the fact that the agents at the airport couldn't help us with this?  Ridiculous.  I think there might have been one or two who could have (with long lines) but there were also several just standing around.)

So, anyway, if we wouldn't have been able to get down there until this afternoon we would have missed our presentation last night and 3/4 of the conference and would have had to turn around 24 hours later to fly back.  We decided to wait until they weren't crazy busy to talk to them about getting vouchers or something and we went out for lunch and then drove another 3 hours home.  And, I'm back to work like it's a normal, cold, snowy day.  My students were confused (hopefully not too disappointed) at seeing me instead of the sub I'd arranged this morning.

Sigh...

Oh, how I wanted to be sitting on the beach on Saturday afternoon after the conference sweating in the sun and worrying about whether I'd covered myself with enough SPF60 and long sleeves and hoping that I wasn't, ahem, expelling progesterone through my swim suit!!

Oh, well.  Just think of all the work I can get done this weekend instead!  Wow, how exciting.

And, damnit, no distraction from this f'ing wait!!!  Now at 7 days and counting...with IPS coming out the wazoo -- literally.  So, I beg you to distract me instead!!  Give me ideas or links that will keep me laughing all weekend long, please!!!

Hum de dum

Let's see, what's going on 2ww-wise? (I originally thought I didn't have much to say... yeah, not so much.)

• This wait is moving SOOOOOOOO slowly.
• My boobs are still hurting like there's no tomorrow.  Worse than the pain when I was pregnant, actually.  As I said before, this started the day of the IUI (before the prog supplements), so definitely "self-produced" progesterone related.  I tend to have breast tenderness during all 2ww's.  In fact, it's a good sign because, for the first three or four months after my miscarriage, my breasts weren't hurting at all during the 2ww which made me wonder what was going on in there.  Usually it doesn't start so early, but, usually I'm not popping out multiple eggs produced by "rocket fuel," either.
• Prog suppositories are doing OK.  For the first couple of days they seemed to be causing lots of intense pain that felt like it was focused in the same place as the uterine scar of my former fibroid (ghost fibroid pain, perhaps?)  Similar sharp pains down the right leg as the fibroid used to cause.  But, that doesn't seem to be happening anymore, so that's good.  Because that wasn't comfortable!  And, Tylenol wasn't helping too much.
• I'm getting used to the constant "not so fresh" feeling. 
• I'm rather irritable but I'm beginning to think that might be just me and not the various hormones.
• My DH is super optimistic about this cycle.  That makes me alternately happy and nervous.  He said "oh, I have a conference near the RE's clinic on the 1st and 2nd, we should plan to go down to do the blood test and stay overnight."  Of course, we're only going to the clinic to test if I get a positive on a pee stick that morning.  It makes me nervous to plan that ahead.
• How do I feel about this cycle?  I have no idea, but I lean toward cautiously optimistic.  I have actually let myself imagine it working out.  I haven't done that since probably my first IUI back in 2009.  I was trying on clothes for the conference I'm going to (it's in Miami and I wasn't sure what "nicer summer" stuff would fit) and I even started imagining what one dress would look like if I were pregnant.  And, dare I say it, I put a pillow under the dress!  How's that for flashing back to "newly TTC" optimism?
• (I'm terrified that this optimism is going to come crashing down on my head.)
• I'm highly enjoying the C+B IVF/IUI meditations. 
• Yes, the whole "April Fool's Day" testing thing is bothering me slightly.  The universe wouldn't play a cruel joke on me with that, would it?
• The conference I'm going to is with two colleagues -- big beer drinkers when traveling.  And, usually I'll have a beer with them.  The last time I went to a meeting with them, I was 8 weeks pregnant (but they didn't know) and I kept having to beg off of the specialty beers they were trying and got lots of strange looks and "don't you want to try even a sip?"  But, if they were suspicious, it was OK because, eventually, they would have found out I was pregnant.  One of them has already started going on about the beer we'll drink.  I'm working on my "I'm on medication" excuses as, this time, I really don't want them thinking that.  (Of course, they're guys so they probably won't even notice...)
• If this cycle doesn't work, I'm not sure how I feel about next cycle.  Next cycle will be exactly one year (likely to the day) from the cycle I got pregnant.  If it worked, then every single milestone would be the exact same date that my miscarriage cycle was.  That makes me nervous.  If this cycle works, then I'd already be 4 weeks ahead every time one of those "bad dates" came up.  I think that's part of why I'm really hoping this one works.  At the same time, I wouldn't plan on skipping next cycle (unless forced) because waiting it out would be worse, I think.
• Did I say that this wait is taking FOREVER?!  Yeah, it is.

Welcome ICLW!

Hello new readers and old alike!

For anyone here that's new -- Welcome!! My overly detailed history is on the sidebar. A brief summary:

In 30 months of trying we've had (in order):

10 months of failed tries on our own, 1 blocked tube, 1 RE, 3 canceled cycles on Clomid, 1 hysteroscopy, 4 failed Femara IUIs, 1 "on our own" pregnancy, 1 missed miscarriage, 7 more months of failed tries on our own, 1 new RE, 1 fibroid, 1 laparascopy, 1 2-month "pause"

Which leads us to now: The 2ww of our first Follistim IUI with 3 nice sized follies, 1 great uterine lining and 1 awesome post-wash sperm count.

I can already tell that this wait is going to be a doozy. About midday Friday (the day of the IUI) my boobs started hurting like hell. So, I'm going to guess that follies have been popping and eggs are released and progesterone is shooting up!

Speaking of progesterone. I started the suppositories today. I'm not sure how necessary it will be (given the boob pain pre-suppository), but I'm definitely up for anything that might help. Also, it will give me something to focus on "doing" for the next two weeks until test day -- on April Fool's Day.

When I was picking up the prog, the pharmacist gave me a few tips. One of which was "make sure to take OFF the aluminum foil first." Apparently, she had someone call her after using them for four days and say "uh, was I supposed to take off the aluminum?" Yes, she had a hooha full of aluminum foil!!

I'm going to a conference later this week and I'm wondering how the foil wrapped pills are going to show up on the x-ray scanner! I seriously don't want to have to explain that one. Especially with my male colleagues standing next to me at security. "Um, no, Mr. TSA officer, I'm not trying to smuggle drugs in my luggage. It's just my vag suppositories. No biggie."

The joys of infertility!

It's a sausage fest in there, I tell ya!

My DH as we were driving back from the RE's office:

"80 million sperm and 3-5 eggs? What a sausage fest! That's like when I was in school for engineering. Nice odds for the girls!"

I couldn't stop laughing. Sounds like good odds to me!

Anyway, the IUI went well. More crampy than previous ones, but good overall. And, yes, 80 million post wash! So, that's AWESOME! (We could hear all the nurses and the RE in the hallway oohing and aahing over it before they came in.)

I start progesterone suppositories on Sunday and I'll POAS in two weeks and then call them one way or another.

So, now we wait... I'm sure it will pass quickly, right?! I'm sure I'll be completely distracted and not think about it at all... Um, yeah, sure.

March madness it is

Today's scan:

Right:  17, 15, 13 mm
Left:  16, 13 mm
E2:  563

The E2 is a little less than 200 per follicle if you're looking at the largest 3.  (Does anyone know if that *really* matters?) The nurse said they were aiming at 3-4 at 17 mm.  I think they were a little concerned not to try to increase the ones I have that are close since there are a few others waiting in the wings and we really don't want to overstimulate because I'd be incredibly annoyed if this cycle got canceled because I responded too well!

So, the conclusion?

Trigger tonight!  IUI scheduled for early Friday afternoon.  Woohoo!!

I alternate between being pretty sure that this has an incredibly low chance of being successful and worrying that it will be too successful and I'll end up with triplets.  So, I've been on the search for data about success rates and multiples rates for IUI.

I've found all sorts of information (having access to my University's science journals can be good and bad).  It ranges from "having 6 follicles larger than 12 mm will double pregnancy chances while not increasing multiples chances if you're over 35" to "IUI is only about 12 % successful, ever, for unexplained IF and people should stop doing it" to "having more than 1 follicle is BAD BAD BAD and will guarantee a baby per follicle!!"  OK, so obviously these are phrased a little differently in the journals, but you get the picture.

My conclusions?  Who the hell knows.  I mean, really, we don't have any idea what is *causing* my infertility.  (Subfertility, really.)  It *could* have been a blocked tube.  It *could* have been a high-ish FSH.  It *could* have been a fibroid.  It *could* have been a small amount of endometriosis.  It *could* have been some adhesions.  It *could* just be that I'm getting older and the probability of producing a healthy egg each month is just getting lower.  So, what are our chances?  I don't know.

I do know that I found one article that at least gives me a little hope.  It says the strongest predictors of success for injectables IUI are total number of follices and lining thickness.  Highly motile sperm percentage helps a bit and number of cycles trying hurts a smidge.  So, overall, we're at least on the right side of those numbers.

And, I found a website that reviewed an article (I couldn't access the article itself, but I did also look at its abstract) that essentially says that triplet rates were only about 1% if there were fewer than 6 follicles over 12 mm, fewer than 4 follicles over 15 mm and E2 levels less than 1000.  And, again, that over age 35 this probability was even lower (zero in their study population).  So, overall, it looks like triplets aren't too probable -- which is a GOOOOOOOOOD thing.  Then, there was another study that said that anything over 15 mm *could* implant.  Which is a little scarier!! 

But, again, I still lean toward the -- man, this is unlikely to happen at all.

Overall, I have to keep reminding myself, I got pregnant once.  Post treatment.  On or own.  It means that it COULD happen.

(I also have to keep reminding myself that most of my anxiety, irritability and strong desire to cry about the stupidest things right now is coming from estrogen.  And that we're headed to our older nephew's 3rd birthday party this Saturday.  That's the third birthday party of his we've gone to since we've been trying to get pregnant.  If the IUI had been scheduled for Saturday we would have had to skip it.  No such luck.  Wait, I mean, yay, I'm so glad we get to make it.  Yahoo.)

So, anyway, it looks like March Madness has begun!

Anyone up for a little beach volleyball?

So, today's report:

R:  15 mm, 13 mm + lots smaller
L:  12 mm + at least one close to that and lots smaller
Lining:  10+ mm!!  (Woohoo!  Go FSH!  Go estrogen!)

E2 -- waiting for report, will update later.

So, it looks like we're brewing a nice beach volleyball team on each side.  The Righties vs. the Lefties! :)

(Although, as I told my DH, we need a basketball team in honor of March madness. ;) )

E2 level will make the decision, but most likely we've got one or two more days of stims, then another scan Wednesday morning (similar chaotically timed trip but with far fewer cancellations needed) with an IUI likely Friday or Saturday. 

I'm definitely starting to feel the pressure and my moods are being heavily influenced by the estrogen. Luckily my DH is used to this because I have been incredibly irritable and weepy.

C+B meditations have been my savior lately, I'm telling you.

And, yes, I made it on time and back on time!  With a sudden snow storm about 3/4 of the way down to the doctor's office, even!  Cars in the ditch and everything.  Yikes.  I slowed WAY down, definitely. 

OK, off to lab!

*ETA* -- E2 is 441.  That seems reasonable as far as I can tell.  And, the instructions are as predicted.  Two more days of stims and then a scan on Wednesday to see where we go next!

"Wow, you're growing quite the team there!"

(That's not really something you want to hear from the nurse when you're planning on an IUI, you know?)

Today's report:

After 4 days of injects:
Ultrasound report:
Right ovary:  two ~10 mm follies with several (5 or 6) smaller looking ones in the background
Left ovary:  "a team" of  maybe 8 mm-ish follies -- I'm not sure how many there were, it looked like a dozen? 
Lining:  she didn't give me a number, but it was thicker than it was on Monday

E2:  152  (I think this is "good."  It wasn't too high, at least.  Any thoughts from you injectables veterans?)

The plan:
Continue 100 IU Follistim daily through Sunday, "have relations" (the nurse's words, not mine) Sunday night then abstain, re-scan Monday morning.

The ultrasound nurse seemed sure that my E2 level was going to be high and Dr. Smiles was going to cut the dosage, but it looks like the team of small guys is just moving along slowly.  Hopefully just a few of them will move ahead by Monday.  I'd really rather not grow a team, thank you!!

(Seriously, I can't stop thinking about what kind of team of  we're going for here by trigger time -- Beach volleyball?  Maybe too few.  Basketball?  Not bad.  Baseball?  Football?  BAD.)

I have my u/s appointment timed out to the point that if anything goes wrong on Monday I'm screwed.  Monday is the only day of the week that I am essentially booked from 8:00 am until 6 pm.  To miss nothing and get a scan before 2 pm, I'd have to get there at 6 am (and leave my house at 4:30 am).  Of course, they don't open until 6:30 so that doesn't quite work  (Not to mention that it isn't even vaguely appealing and I'm not even sure if it's possible.)   I can, however, get there at 11 (leaving directly after my first class of the day is over) if I cancel my tutoring hours and skip my department meeting.  Then, as long as I can leave by 11:45 (which should work if nothing goes wrong), then I can be back on campus by 1:15 in time for my 1:30 lab. 

That doesn't sound stressful at all, does it? 

Let's just hope that everything goes smoothly and I don't have to call my department secretary while going 90 miles per hour on the highway to put a sign on my lab door saying "Dr. Rebecca is a little busy trying to get knocked up right now.  If you could all be patient, she'd really appreciate it.  'K? Thanks."

(Normally I'd beg a colleague to take the lab for me but the only two who could are at a conference next week...you know, the one I decided to skip (partially) so I wouldn't have to skip this cycle?)

The nurse tried to make me change the appointment to 10 am or 1 pm when she called with my E2 report because of some sort of inspection going on there on Monday.  I went into a panic trying to explain the careful timing that had gone into this.  My DH keeps reminding me that if I have to cancel a class, I just do.  But, I'd really rather save those times for when it absolutely has to happen (like when we actually do the IUI) rather than when it is possible to keep it from happening.  (Again, if my colleagues were in town this week, then I could have begged a favor (and hated it).)  I felt like such a difficult patient begging her not to make me change the time. 

(Have you gotten the idea that I hate to be a "bother" to people?  I stress the hell out when I feel like I've been annoying to someone or have put them out.)

Things are good otherwise.  It's the last day of spring break.  (Sad.)  It's a gorgeous day, though.  (Happy.)  I have TONS I still need to accomplish this weekend.  (Panicked!)  I've been doing the C+B IUI/IVF meditations every night.  (Ahhhhh.....so calm)

I'm feeling quite babbly at the moment.  I'm not sure why.  I think I'm just avoiding getting back to writing the lab exercise and new course proposal I was working on.  Ooh, or the grading.  And don't get me started on the state of my house...  (Eep, back to panicked!)

OK, got to get back to calm.  Here's my new mantra:

Slow but steady, just a few are ready.
Slow but steady, just a few are ready.

Well that was...anticlimactic

AF showed up on Saturday. She's been quite the little bitch, but, for once, I welcomed her and all her nastiness with open arms.

My DH and I celebrated with a trip to watch the Iowa State women's basketball team lose a close match to Missouri (BOOOOOOO). It was awesome, though, because we were guests of the ISU coaching staff and had tickets right behind the bench with all the family members and got to hear everything the coach said...well, or screamed until he was hoarse. (I swear I don't know how he doesn't have a heart attack every game.) My DH has been a big fan of the ISU women's team for years. (Somehow that just makes me happy.) He was chatting with the father of one of the players who seemed to be in his late 50s or early 60s. Afterward he turned to me and proudly said "See, that's how I'll be as a dad when our kids are in college." It warmed my heart and for a while I pretended that we were actually about 20 years in the future watching our daughter play basketball.

The Missouri head coach and one of her assistant coaches were each about 7 months pregnant. The head coach has to be in her early 40s based off of her bio (graduated college in 1990) and has a four year old.

I decided to take it all as a sign.

Anyway, on to today's scan results.

Today's u/s: One 10 mm or so cyst that has been hanging around for a while and seems to not be a problem. Multiple small antral follies on each ovary. Uterine lining thin. Uterus healed from surgery.

Today's drug: 100 IU of Follistim injected with a fancy pen.

Next scan: Friday morning.

You know, for something that I've built up in my head as being such a huge thing (INJECTABLES!!!), something that costs a fortune and could potentially change my life, something that is doing all sorts of things to my insides, something I've been waiting to do for months and months, that fancy pen sure makes it just kind of anticlimactic. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't REALLY want to move on to large bore syringes of medications that I have to mix and inject in all sorts of uncomfortable places and uncomfortable ways. I'll be quite happy if this low-ish dose FSH with the world's smallest needle is all it takes to get me pregnant with a "take home" baby. But, yeah, my DH was wholly unimpressed. "Ha! That's nothing like what I had to stab you with for the trigger shot." Yes, dear, I remember that one. And, don't worry, with any luck you'll get to do it again sometime next week.

--------

Finally, sending lots of love to Erika who found out that she lost one of her twins recently.

Time flies

Yesterday I took my last BCP.  We are now officially waiting for AF to show up so we can get this show (back) on the road!  I called into Dr. Smiles' office and they have placed my follistim order.  I've talked to the pharmacy and they have charged me insane amounts of money and sent the meds to the doctor's office.  I sent my autoimmune test results to Dr. Smiles although I'm not sure he's really looked at them, yet, or if it will make a difference.  (All other results came back normal except for the ANAs and I plan on chatting with him about that when I'm there next.)  I officially reactivated my Fertility Friend account (yay data!) and I'm ready to go.

Do you know that it has been almost exactly a year since I last had a treatment cycle?   I was blown away when I realized that.  My last Femara/IUI cycle started March 6, 2010.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was driving back and forth for u/s once or twice a week and worrying about scheduling appointments and figuring out how to deal with missed classes.  I don't know how it has been a year since I've felt like I was *really* trying.

This year has gone by so quickly.  About 1000 times faster than the first year and a half of TTC. 

Thank you all for your comments on my last post.   I'm still working on trying to find a balanced perspective. 


And, I am incredibly anxious to take this next step.  Within the next week we will be pulling out the "mid to large sized guns." ;)   This could be it.

And, if it isn't, I know it isn't the end of the world.  There is more out there -- both in TTC world and in the rest of the world.