Just not feeling it

I realize that it's not over until I get the negative test and AF rears her head, but I'm really not feeling it right now.  All signs point to typical (if overly exaggerated) PMS.  My temperature is headed down -- although the prog suppositories seems to be keeping it up slightly.  My boobs, while still somewhat tender, are nowhere near as tender as they were just three days ago and have gone back to normal size.  All are a sure sign that my body is producing less progesterone on its own.  I'm 12DPO today and that's typical timing for me.

I was teary eyed and depressed all day yesterday.  I was on the verge of tears and finally just sat with my DH and cried about this cycle failing (even though we don't know, yet, if it has) and cried about how much longer we can even do this.  And cried about the fact that my mother will be in town in a week and a half and I'll have to be giving myself shots while she's here.  And cried that I want to move to IVF sooner than he does.  And just cried.  Just like any normal 2 days or so before the end of a cycle.

My emotions are definitely PMS.  I have an obsessive personality and my mind tends to get focused in an endless loop a lot.  That is nowhere as evident as when AF is on the way. 

(Really stupid, embarrassing, anxiety-ridden, paranoid, obsessive story to follow.)

Yesterday, a colleague walked into my teaching lab and saw an equation I'd written on the board for my students two hours earlier -- one they weren't even using in their experiment, just one that I used to help introduce what they were doing.  As he was looking at it, I realized that I'd put a minus sign where there should have been a plus.  I knew he noticed it, too, but he didn't say anything.  From that moment on, I couldn't stop obsessing about that minus sign.  I realized I'd used the same equation the day before.  What sign had I put then?  Did my other colleague, the one whose specialty this particular area is, notice it when he walked through the lab?  Were they gossiping about how stupid I was?  (My department is very gossip-y and everyone likes to point out others' failings behind their backs.  It's a great place, really.  Very supportive.  I feel happy every day.  Yep.)  I felt like an idiot.  I felt like they were thinking "man, what the hell is she teaching these kids." 

So, I obsessed about it all night long.  I started shoveling chocolate down my throat in an attempt to feel better.  I couldn't sleep.  My brain wouldn't stop going back to that damn minus sign.  Every time I would start to drift off, that stupid minus sign would pop back up again.  I did my C+B meditation.  But, as soon as it was done (and she had rudely woken me up by telling me I should go to sleep), my brain started to obsess again. 

Then, my brain started to do the other thing it does when I get into an obsessive, anxious state.  A song started playing on endless loop.  It's not just like getting a song stuck in your head (I generally have a song stuck in my head all the time, it's never quiet in there).  It's like one line of the song just keeps going over and over and over again and my mind is actively singing it.  It's torturous.  It totally prevents me from relaxing.  Finally, I had to get up and sleep on the couch with the TV on so that there wasn't silence where my brain could do its own thing when I started to drift off.  Of course, that doesn't really make for a restful night, so I slept awfully. 

And, do you want to know the worst, most stupid, most ridiculous, most idiotic part of all?

It was all in my head -- I realized this morning that the minus sign was correct.

Yeah, that's how anxious I am right now.  I'm not only obsessing about things, I'm torturing myself with things that aren't even true.

So, sure, maybe I'm wrong about AF coming, too.  I hope so.  But, I'm seriously not feeling it.