I'm so missing my DH right now. He's on his way to Vancouver for a conference and I cried my eyes out dropping him off at the airport. It's only until Wednesday so I'm not sure what my problem is. I'm not normally so clingy. I guess I hadn't realized how much I've been leaning on him for the past month or so. I couldn't sleep last night because I started having irrational thoughts about scary things happening that I won't even say. Seriously, I'm usually fine on my own (and, honestly, sometimes celebrate the freedom), but this post m/c me is a whole new Rebecca. I just want to be with him and hold his hand. Sigh... Just four days.
Speaking of my DH, though...
Yesterday we went up to Iowa to see his family for dinner before my DH's flight today (because we live in the middle of nowhere and have to drive 3 hours to catch a plane...). They were in town for his family reunion (which we couldn't make it to), so we went up to see them. This was only the second time I've ever met his half-brother -- the first was at our wedding and we barely spent any time together then. So, I was glad to go to see him and meet his girlfriend.
As we were driving up I said to my DH: "I feel like in the past month I've been drinking more than normal because I've been intentionally drinking whenever we're around people so they won't think I'm pregnant. With all of our friends, I keep making sure I order a drink so they won't wonder. It was hard enough when we were trying or when I was pregnant to know that they might be thinking it. Now, I just can't deal with them doing the math 'huh, when was the last time I saw Rebecca drink?' I'm sure I'll do it again tonight. The last thing I want is your mother wondering."
He brushed it off. "No one thinks that. Some women just don't drink that much. I knew plenty of women in grad school who just didn't drink sometimes."
I laughed. "Uh, honey, maybe men don't think that, but women think it constantly. If any woman 'of a certain age' doesn't have a drink when everyone else around her does, I guarantee you at least 85% of the women in the room are thinking 'huh, wonder if she's pregnant? Or maybe they're trying.' Especially if she's been married for a little bit and hasn't had any kids. I know I breathe a sigh of relief every time we go out on Fridays with D & W and D orders a drink. I know she wonders about the times I don't. The day she stops drinking is the day I'm going to have to stop showing up for Happy Hour."
He shook his head. "I don't know. I don't think all women do that. And, if you all do, you're all just crazy."
Fast forward four hours.
We're having a really nice dinner and a great time and I did order a glass of wine...ah, lovely, relaxing red wine. Sigh... Definitely needed it because they kept talking about our nephews and the BIL's girlfriend's (K) brand new nephew. K starts telling the story of how her brother announced that he and his wife were pregnant by saying that they were "thankful for the new addition" at Thanksgiving dinner.
She said "well, I knew something was up before that because two days before we had all gone out for dinner and his wife didn't have anything to drink. I pulled my brother aside and asked 'Is she pregnant?'"
It was so hard not to turn to my DH and say "SEEE???" I was dying I was laughing on the inside so much. It was just too perfect. As soon as we left the restaurant we both just starting laughing so hard we were crying. (Well, I was crying, my DH doesn't do that.)
Thank goodness I ordered that drink!!!! :)
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Anyone else?
You know you're infertile when you see a news piece about Chelsea Clinton's wedding this weekend and immediately think:
That b**** better not get pregnant before I do.
That b**** better not get pregnant before I do.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
It's the last day of school...woohoo!
The only thing better than the last day of school is the last day of summer school!! Woohoo!! Bunches of grading left but no more classes for a few weeks. So glad. I declare today officially the end of the worst summer of my life. Time to move on. (Oh, and, Kelly, I teach chemistry.)
And, thank you all so much for your support over the past day or so. I feel better knowing that others would feel abandoned, too, and agree that this is ridiculous. I thought I was overreacting. (And, thank you, Oak, you're right -- we're definitely not alone. Made me cry just reading that.) I think I was trying to be a "good patient" and trust the doctor without realizing that I need to be my own advocate. If I had talked to the nurse on the phone instead of her leaving a message, I would have told her that 6 months was nuts. After I started thinking about it, I remember that my RE has a tendency to do this and has never been as aggressive as I'd like to be. When I had the hysteroscopy and she opened up the right tube, while I was still drugged she said she considers any new "event" a restart and that we should try for 6 months and see what happens. We weren't happy with that and she was supportive of us moving back to IUIs again.
Now, obviously, I got pregnant within 6 months of that (and O'd on the right side that cycle), so she's right -- it could happen. But, I guess as we start to approach two years of this I'm feeling a little impatient. And, I feel like opening one tube when the other was open all along doesn't really explain why it took 20 months to happen the first time. I know for a fact I O'd on the left quite a bit. When I read about how aggressive some other RE's are, I get incredibly jealous. I want to work with someone who wants this for me as much as I do. I don't get the feeling my RE takes my case particularly seriously. she often makes me feel stupid that I'm even asking for help. I like one of the other doctors at her practice, but switching doctors within the practice kind of skeeves me out -- I'm not really good with breaking up with doctors as it is. There is one other RE's office in the town, I believe, but I don't know much about them. Any other option is at least 3 hours from here (as opposed to the 90 minutes we already have to go).
I do plan on calling the RE and chatting with her about it. And telling her that her plans are not our plans. We plan to try for maybe 3months on our own. I think I'll wait until I get out of this AF-weepy state, though.
Although, maybe crying on the phone would make my point!
Celebratory end-of-summer marshmallow roast tonight with the students and then tomorrow a quick trip to IA to see family and then send my DH off to Canada for a conference. He's gone until next Wednesday. I'm planning on grading and relaxing and doing not much of anything for a while.
And, thank you all so much for your support over the past day or so. I feel better knowing that others would feel abandoned, too, and agree that this is ridiculous. I thought I was overreacting. (And, thank you, Oak, you're right -- we're definitely not alone. Made me cry just reading that.) I think I was trying to be a "good patient" and trust the doctor without realizing that I need to be my own advocate. If I had talked to the nurse on the phone instead of her leaving a message, I would have told her that 6 months was nuts. After I started thinking about it, I remember that my RE has a tendency to do this and has never been as aggressive as I'd like to be. When I had the hysteroscopy and she opened up the right tube, while I was still drugged she said she considers any new "event" a restart and that we should try for 6 months and see what happens. We weren't happy with that and she was supportive of us moving back to IUIs again.
Now, obviously, I got pregnant within 6 months of that (and O'd on the right side that cycle), so she's right -- it could happen. But, I guess as we start to approach two years of this I'm feeling a little impatient. And, I feel like opening one tube when the other was open all along doesn't really explain why it took 20 months to happen the first time. I know for a fact I O'd on the left quite a bit. When I read about how aggressive some other RE's are, I get incredibly jealous. I want to work with someone who wants this for me as much as I do. I don't get the feeling my RE takes my case particularly seriously. she often makes me feel stupid that I'm even asking for help. I like one of the other doctors at her practice, but switching doctors within the practice kind of skeeves me out -- I'm not really good with breaking up with doctors as it is. There is one other RE's office in the town, I believe, but I don't know much about them. Any other option is at least 3 hours from here (as opposed to the 90 minutes we already have to go).
I do plan on calling the RE and chatting with her about it. And telling her that her plans are not our plans. We plan to try for maybe 3months on our own. I think I'll wait until I get out of this AF-weepy state, though.
Although, maybe crying on the phone would make my point!
Celebratory end-of-summer marshmallow roast tonight with the students and then tomorrow a quick trip to IA to see family and then send my DH off to Canada for a conference. He's gone until next Wednesday. I'm planning on grading and relaxing and doing not much of anything for a while.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
It's a multi-post kind of day
Why is it that these stressful, crying, AF days always seem to show up when I'm busiest? (I'm supposed to be writing a final right now...) Somehow, I imagined that because we weren't trying this month the hormonal emotions of AF wouldn't hit me and I'd just be excited to get back to trying. But, oh, yeah, AF hormones are ALWAYS a pain in the ass.
I heard from the nurse and my beta is back to normal. (YAY!) She left a message or I'd have gotten an actual number. I'm a numbers person and I'd like to know what it is -- 0? 4? Anyway, she also said that the RE doesn't want to do any tests or anything and that I'm supposed to call them if I don't get pregnant in 6 months. Nice knowing you.
OK, so, I know that we've hit the reset button and I know that we're basically starting over again. And, I know that the fact that we got pregnant without help this time means that we really aren't "infertile" anymore (since the one tube was unblocked) and that it should be able to happen again. And, I know that I'm trying to stay positive and think about the fact that it is actually possible that it will happen quickly. (And, I swear I really did feel that positive two flippin' days ago!!!)
But, right before the schedule-induced med-break that resulted in this pregnancy we were fresh off of 3 failed IUIs in a row and the RE recommending injects or IVF. I've been in tears all day since I got the message. I feel abandoned. I feel like they've forgotten that it took 20 months to get where we were. I don't know what I feel. I just feel lost. I really keep trying to remember that this could happen but the back of my mind keeps wondering how it will happen quickly when it took so long before.
Somehow, even though we haven't even started trying again, I'm afraid, yet again, that we're just going to be marking time until someone lets us try something else.
I'm trying to live in the moment. I'm trying to think about this cycle and not the next and the next after that. I'm trying to think about that rumored post-m/c extra fertility (I hope it isn't like that rumored post-HSG extra fertility...)
I think the idea of going this alone after a year of help is scaring me. The thought of waiting another 6 months before seeking help again is making me depressed. I know this can happen on our own -- it did. But, as much as I hated the meds and hated the stress of going back and forth to the RE's, I liked the idea of feeling like I was putting everything I had into this. That someone else was trying, too. That we were doing everything possible to increase our odds.
This is stupid. I'm being stupid. I'm blaming the hormones. I'm crying over something that doesn't even make sense. They have faith I can get pregnant without them. That's a good thing. They have faith that I can get pregnant and stay that way. That's a good thing.
I really need to just focus on now. Focus on this cycle. Remember that it can happen at any time.
IF sucks.
I heard from the nurse and my beta is back to normal. (YAY!) She left a message or I'd have gotten an actual number. I'm a numbers person and I'd like to know what it is -- 0? 4? Anyway, she also said that the RE doesn't want to do any tests or anything and that I'm supposed to call them if I don't get pregnant in 6 months. Nice knowing you.
OK, so, I know that we've hit the reset button and I know that we're basically starting over again. And, I know that the fact that we got pregnant without help this time means that we really aren't "infertile" anymore (since the one tube was unblocked) and that it should be able to happen again. And, I know that I'm trying to stay positive and think about the fact that it is actually possible that it will happen quickly. (And, I swear I really did feel that positive two flippin' days ago!!!)
But, right before the schedule-induced med-break that resulted in this pregnancy we were fresh off of 3 failed IUIs in a row and the RE recommending injects or IVF. I've been in tears all day since I got the message. I feel abandoned. I feel like they've forgotten that it took 20 months to get where we were. I don't know what I feel. I just feel lost. I really keep trying to remember that this could happen but the back of my mind keeps wondering how it will happen quickly when it took so long before.
Somehow, even though we haven't even started trying again, I'm afraid, yet again, that we're just going to be marking time until someone lets us try something else.
I'm trying to live in the moment. I'm trying to think about this cycle and not the next and the next after that. I'm trying to think about that rumored post-m/c extra fertility (I hope it isn't like that rumored post-HSG extra fertility...)
I think the idea of going this alone after a year of help is scaring me. The thought of waiting another 6 months before seeking help again is making me depressed. I know this can happen on our own -- it did. But, as much as I hated the meds and hated the stress of going back and forth to the RE's, I liked the idea of feeling like I was putting everything I had into this. That someone else was trying, too. That we were doing everything possible to increase our odds.
This is stupid. I'm being stupid. I'm blaming the hormones. I'm crying over something that doesn't even make sense. They have faith I can get pregnant without them. That's a good thing. They have faith that I can get pregnant and stay that way. That's a good thing.
I really need to just focus on now. Focus on this cycle. Remember that it can happen at any time.
IF sucks.
Just call me Ms. Mood Swings
Was I just feeling positive? Well, that didn't last very long.
I'm having a jealous day. One of those days where I look at babies and I feel my insides crumble. One of those days where I read about pregnancies and I feel like screaming.
(Don't get me wrong, pregnant or mommy readers, I really do love reading your updates, absolutely love reading your comments here and I am incredibly happy for you. Some days are just tough, you know?)
I think this particular jealous day has been building up over time. The administrative coordinator for my grant had her baby with her at a dinner the students threw for us last night. He's a little over 1 and adorable. And, he was everywhere. In a tiny room. And, I couldn't get away from his adorable grins and giggles. And, he was just so sweet. And, it killed me.
And, then I couldn't stop thinking about going to my nephew's first birthday in a week and a half.
And, then I realized how close the fall semester is to starting again and how my plans for the fall have completely changed. I keep thinking about "freshman welcome day" where everyone in the department stands up and says something about themselves to welcome the new chemistry majors. I'm remembering last year feeling so left out and jealous when every single person in the department but me mentioned either their kids or their pregnancy as their "hobby." And, now, another year has passed and two more babies have been born in the department. And, it's killing me.
And, then, I got an e-mail from my undergraduate chemistry department. Every year they send out an annual report talking about what the current students and faculty have been up to, etc. They also include updates from the class that graduated 15 years ago. I have been excitedly looking forward to being included in that update since I graduated in 1995! I'm not sure why, but it just seemed like such a cool thing. (I remember the first time I read the report thinking how *old* the people who graduated in 1980 were... Oh, dear.) Anyway, I started to fill out the on-line form about what I'm doing now and then I got to the section on "family." It said "please include the name of your spouse or partner and the names and ages of your children." As if it were a given. As if, of course at this point you'd have all those things. I remember two months ago thinking that by the time I filled out the form (told you I've been looking forward to this) I'd be comfortably pregnant and could say that we were expecting our first child in January. Now, the square just kept staring at me and it felt so empty. I wrote "I married my husband in 2008." I left the site open on my computer for hours because I just couldn't submit that. The empty box just said nothing about what we're going through.
And, it killed me.
Let me be clear, I'm still feeling positive about our next steps and TTC'ing again. I'm just feeling generally negative about where we are right now. It's just a jealous day and I'm missing being pregnant and wallowing in it a little bit.
(Seriously, if someone plotted my moods by looking at my blog posts I think they'd think I was nuts. I seem to go from positive to negative every other post.)
I'm having a jealous day. One of those days where I look at babies and I feel my insides crumble. One of those days where I read about pregnancies and I feel like screaming.
(Don't get me wrong, pregnant or mommy readers, I really do love reading your updates, absolutely love reading your comments here and I am incredibly happy for you. Some days are just tough, you know?)
I think this particular jealous day has been building up over time. The administrative coordinator for my grant had her baby with her at a dinner the students threw for us last night. He's a little over 1 and adorable. And, he was everywhere. In a tiny room. And, I couldn't get away from his adorable grins and giggles. And, he was just so sweet. And, it killed me.
And, then I couldn't stop thinking about going to my nephew's first birthday in a week and a half.
And, then I realized how close the fall semester is to starting again and how my plans for the fall have completely changed. I keep thinking about "freshman welcome day" where everyone in the department stands up and says something about themselves to welcome the new chemistry majors. I'm remembering last year feeling so left out and jealous when every single person in the department but me mentioned either their kids or their pregnancy as their "hobby." And, now, another year has passed and two more babies have been born in the department. And, it's killing me.
And, then, I got an e-mail from my undergraduate chemistry department. Every year they send out an annual report talking about what the current students and faculty have been up to, etc. They also include updates from the class that graduated 15 years ago. I have been excitedly looking forward to being included in that update since I graduated in 1995! I'm not sure why, but it just seemed like such a cool thing. (I remember the first time I read the report thinking how *old* the people who graduated in 1980 were... Oh, dear.) Anyway, I started to fill out the on-line form about what I'm doing now and then I got to the section on "family." It said "please include the name of your spouse or partner and the names and ages of your children." As if it were a given. As if, of course at this point you'd have all those things. I remember two months ago thinking that by the time I filled out the form (told you I've been looking forward to this) I'd be comfortably pregnant and could say that we were expecting our first child in January. Now, the square just kept staring at me and it felt so empty. I wrote "I married my husband in 2008." I left the site open on my computer for hours because I just couldn't submit that. The empty box just said nothing about what we're going through.
And, it killed me.
Let me be clear, I'm still feeling positive about our next steps and TTC'ing again. I'm just feeling generally negative about where we are right now. It's just a jealous day and I'm missing being pregnant and wallowing in it a little bit.
(Seriously, if someone plotted my moods by looking at my blog posts I think they'd think I was nuts. I seem to go from positive to negative every other post.)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Hit the "reset" button
Thanks for the collective anger at the billing department. I swear, I feel like I'm being Punk'd. Still no resolution (the one lady won't return the other lady's phone call or e-mail) but I'll be down there this afternoon and I've already informed them that I'm not leaving until I have a signed piece of paper that says that we don't owe this money. Maybe notarized. I really should talk to the doctor because someone needs to have a good talking to about this. The last thing you should do to a stressed out, overly hormonal infertile lady who is already bitter because her insurance won't recognize IF as a disease is remind her of all of that over and over again!!
The trip this afternoon? For one last beta test. I probably won't know the results until tomorrow morning but I feel pretty confident that they will be "negative" and we will be able to move on.
For one thing, AF started this morning. Right on time. I was pretty sure I O'd two weeks ago today and was expecting AF yesterday or today given my usual 12 or 13 day LP. I'm very glad to see that my body is still predictable and has worked itself out quickly. I was wondering, given my RE's insistence on monitoring my betas and things I've read, whether I was deluding myself into thinking things were moving forward.
So, I think we're back in the game again. I feel like I've hit some sort of giant reset button on TTC. I'm in a totally different place than I was before the pregnancy. I'm not sure where that is, exactly, but I know it is new. I almost feel like I've gone back to the very beginning. Knowing, now, that it is actually possible for me to conceive, I'm feeling like I should be conceiving ASAP. This makes me a little nervous because I remember how it felt for those naive beliefs to be bitch-slapped upside the head. I'm afraid I've lost a little of my protective "it'll never happen" bubble. But, I'm hoping it will help me stay positive (because I am generally an incredibly negative, pessimistic person).
I think that I feel sort of educatedly-naive. (Yeah, so not a word.) I think I fully understand that this may take a while, again, and we may yet need lots of intervention. But, at the same time, I think I actually believe I could be surprised and it could happen.
And, yes, no matter what I said the other day, I do know that, if I get pregnant again, I will be terrified that it will end. But, I still feel like I'm going to let myself live in the "now" and enjoy what I do have.
Do you know what I just realized? Today is the 1 year anniversary of our first appointment with the RE. That seems fitting somehow. I remember how excited I was a year ago when we found a doctor who didn't say "just be patient" and "oh, it will work itself out." She saw a problem and wanted to fix it. I'm sad that I'll be back there exactly one year later to confirm that I am officially no longer pregnant but I want to get that positive, excited attitude back again.
(Someone remind me that I felt positive when I start getting depressed in a few months when it hasn't happened again...)
(Oh, wait, there's the good ol' pessimistic Rebecca!)
The trip this afternoon? For one last beta test. I probably won't know the results until tomorrow morning but I feel pretty confident that they will be "negative" and we will be able to move on.
For one thing, AF started this morning. Right on time. I was pretty sure I O'd two weeks ago today and was expecting AF yesterday or today given my usual 12 or 13 day LP. I'm very glad to see that my body is still predictable and has worked itself out quickly. I was wondering, given my RE's insistence on monitoring my betas and things I've read, whether I was deluding myself into thinking things were moving forward.
So, I think we're back in the game again. I feel like I've hit some sort of giant reset button on TTC. I'm in a totally different place than I was before the pregnancy. I'm not sure where that is, exactly, but I know it is new. I almost feel like I've gone back to the very beginning. Knowing, now, that it is actually possible for me to conceive, I'm feeling like I should be conceiving ASAP. This makes me a little nervous because I remember how it felt for those naive beliefs to be bitch-slapped upside the head. I'm afraid I've lost a little of my protective "it'll never happen" bubble. But, I'm hoping it will help me stay positive (because I am generally an incredibly negative, pessimistic person).
I think that I feel sort of educatedly-naive. (Yeah, so not a word.) I think I fully understand that this may take a while, again, and we may yet need lots of intervention. But, at the same time, I think I actually believe I could be surprised and it could happen.
And, yes, no matter what I said the other day, I do know that, if I get pregnant again, I will be terrified that it will end. But, I still feel like I'm going to let myself live in the "now" and enjoy what I do have.
Do you know what I just realized? Today is the 1 year anniversary of our first appointment with the RE. That seems fitting somehow. I remember how excited I was a year ago when we found a doctor who didn't say "just be patient" and "oh, it will work itself out." She saw a problem and wanted to fix it. I'm sad that I'll be back there exactly one year later to confirm that I am officially no longer pregnant but I want to get that positive, excited attitude back again.
(Someone remind me that I felt positive when I start getting depressed in a few months when it hasn't happened again...)
(Oh, wait, there's the good ol' pessimistic Rebecca!)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Get your act together already!!!
First a moment of frustration:
AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Why, you ask? Well, let's see... Since January of this year I have been fighting a mistaken double billing for my DH's sperm washing for IUI#2. Every month I talk to two different people who assure me the charge has been removed from the bill, give me confirmation numbers, etc., etc. And, then? Every month we get another bill. For the same charge. So, I call again, I talk to someone in person while I'm at the office, I call yet another time, they call me back "it's taken care of, sorry it's been so complicated. Not sure why this has taken us this long."
This time I was sure it was gone. Absolutely. Three different people told me it was done. They left a message saying it was taken care of. I mentioned this a week or so ago here. I was sure it was finally done.
So, at noon my DH shows up in my office with a treat for me -- lunch and a smoothie (yummmmm). How sweet! Then he closes my office door and says, "take of sip of smoothie, you'll need it -- OK, here."
Guess what it is?!
Why, yes, it is the same bill! How'd you guess?
This time, complete with a fun warning that they're going to send it to a collections agency if we don't pay it!!!
O.M.G. You have GOT to be kidding me!!!
I talked to yet another person at the customer service office. She read off of her screen the entire series of phone call notes and e-mails that have been exchanged between me, her department, the fertility clinic, etc. over the past several months about this bill. For the life of her she can't figure out why it hasn't been taken care of. Me neither. I'm waiting to hear back from her.
The problem is, how will I ever know that this has really, finally, truly, absolutely been taken care of?
As much as I like the people at my RE's office, I have to say that we have had a horrible experience working with them on the financial side of things. I don't mean the "OMG, this is so expensive" side, either. They're great at giving discounts for the uninsured. I mean the billing department. This is one of two (three?) different bills that have been charged to us multiple times after we'd already paid them. Then there was the payment I made that they claimed hadn't been made even after my credit card company had already processed the payment (and I had been billed by the cc). What is wrong with these people?
Once again,
AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Feeling philosophical
Can I tell you how glad I am that the summer class session is over after this week? I'm so exhausted and need a little time off. I've been in high stress "put on a happy face" mode all summer and I need a break before it is time to do it all again.
I just got back in town from a whirlwind visit to friends in Wisconsin. I really didn't have time for this trip -- I had to grade papers whenever I wasn't driving -- but I'm glad we went. I got to spend some time talking with a friend about IF and the m/c. She and her husband are basically like my DH's big brother and sister and are his confidants. The husband and my DH left us alone for a while so we could talk. It was a little weird -- we were at her son's baseball game surrounded by people -- but good. It was just nice to talk to someone IRL who knows what has been going on and can sympathize. It reminded me how much I appreciate all of you but also how much I need more of a real-life support system that isn't hundreds of miles away. Other than my DH, I really don't have one and I need to do something about that.
It has brought me back to thinking about the m/c a lot. Warning: I'm taking a turn for the deep here.
I had a realization this weekend: I didn't believe I was pregnant until I miscarried. I think I've said something like that before, but it hit me that I really mean it. Until I was physically going through the miscarriage, I never believed that there was a baby inside of me. I was waiting for something to make me believe it. (Obviously this wasn't what I was hoping would do it.) As I was having the miscarriage, for the first time I wanted to run through the streets telling people I was pregnant. I know for some women they want to as soon as the second line appears but I never did before because I really didn't think it was true. I think I was so surprised that it worked and so used to disappointing month after disappointing month that I really didn't think it was true.
Because of that? I've realized that I spent the two months after the BFP not appreciating that I was pregnant. Trying to act like I thought I was supposed to act as a new pregnant woman but really just putting on a show. I didn't celebrate it like I should have. I regret that, now. I wish I could go back to that time and realize how lucky and blessed I was. No matter what happened, I had two months of knowing that I was holding my child inside of me. I wish I had appreciated it.
And, I'm glad that I miscarried on my own before the D&C. I think it was something I needed to experience. I'm not sure if I would have had the same realization if I'd had the D&C. I would have woken up and been in pain and felt empty but everything would have seemed just like it did before. Feeling and seeing the loss made the entire thing real.
But, you know what? I feel like this realization has changed me. I feel like the next time I will believe it from the beginning. I will appreciate it from the first moment. I will know that it could all go away again, but I will cherish everything that I get.
I've never been good at living for "now" but I feel like I'm starting to learn.
I just got back in town from a whirlwind visit to friends in Wisconsin. I really didn't have time for this trip -- I had to grade papers whenever I wasn't driving -- but I'm glad we went. I got to spend some time talking with a friend about IF and the m/c. She and her husband are basically like my DH's big brother and sister and are his confidants. The husband and my DH left us alone for a while so we could talk. It was a little weird -- we were at her son's baseball game surrounded by people -- but good. It was just nice to talk to someone IRL who knows what has been going on and can sympathize. It reminded me how much I appreciate all of you but also how much I need more of a real-life support system that isn't hundreds of miles away. Other than my DH, I really don't have one and I need to do something about that.
It has brought me back to thinking about the m/c a lot. Warning: I'm taking a turn for the deep here.
I had a realization this weekend: I didn't believe I was pregnant until I miscarried. I think I've said something like that before, but it hit me that I really mean it. Until I was physically going through the miscarriage, I never believed that there was a baby inside of me. I was waiting for something to make me believe it. (Obviously this wasn't what I was hoping would do it.) As I was having the miscarriage, for the first time I wanted to run through the streets telling people I was pregnant. I know for some women they want to as soon as the second line appears but I never did before because I really didn't think it was true. I think I was so surprised that it worked and so used to disappointing month after disappointing month that I really didn't think it was true.
Because of that? I've realized that I spent the two months after the BFP not appreciating that I was pregnant. Trying to act like I thought I was supposed to act as a new pregnant woman but really just putting on a show. I didn't celebrate it like I should have. I regret that, now. I wish I could go back to that time and realize how lucky and blessed I was. No matter what happened, I had two months of knowing that I was holding my child inside of me. I wish I had appreciated it.
And, I'm glad that I miscarried on my own before the D&C. I think it was something I needed to experience. I'm not sure if I would have had the same realization if I'd had the D&C. I would have woken up and been in pain and felt empty but everything would have seemed just like it did before. Feeling and seeing the loss made the entire thing real.
But, you know what? I feel like this realization has changed me. I feel like the next time I will believe it from the beginning. I will appreciate it from the first moment. I will know that it could all go away again, but I will cherish everything that I get.
I've never been good at living for "now" but I feel like I'm starting to learn.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Punk kids make me crazy!
Part III in our occasional "wow, that's unprofessional" series. For parts I and II (which were much funnier and less simply annoying) see "Rebecca Rolls her Eyes" and "Umm...I didn't need to see that."
To really appreciate this you have to know that I am unfailingly polite. To a fault. To the point where I get myself walked all over sometimes. I will "please" and "thank you" to death. I will go far out of my way to make your way easier or at least cause as little annoyance as I possibly can. It's a matter of respect. And, really? I can't help myself. It was how I was raised. My mother is the most polite, kind person you have ever met. I have never heard of anyone who doesn't absolutely love her. And tell me about it all the time. (Kind of hard to live up to, actually.)
On the few occasions when I lose it (and by "lose it," I usually mean sound slightly angry at someone...) I hate myself. I can't stop thinking about it. I wake up in a panic about it at night. Years go by and I still remember how horrible I was.
Because of this, my biggest pet peeve is rudeness. Disrespectful? Constantly late for no reason? Don't get me started. Vandalism? My blood boils. Being a punk kid? ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!
So, yesterday my DH and I went out to lunch at a fast food restaurant. The parking lot was crowded and my DH started turning into one of only two spots that were open. It happened to be in between two vans from a local water damage cleaning business (we've had a lot of flooding recently). There was a kid -- late teens, early 20s (yes, I've hit the age where anyone under 25 is a "kid") standing in the spot chatting with the girl in one of the vans. He was wearing the uniform for the company. We smiled at him expecting him to step out of the space and let us park. He grinned back, looked like he would move for a second and then thought better of it and said "No" chuckled and put his hands on his hips. We looked at him again and performed the universal motion for "get out the spot, please, and let me park" (waving your hands to the side...) He laughed and said "too bad!"
We finally had to back up (into a line of traffic) and drive to the next parking lot over to park.
(And, before you ask, no, he wasn't saving the space. He came into the restaurant about 10 minutes later and, by the time we left, there still wasn't anyone parked in that space.)
Oh, it was just so funny. What a funny joke. OMG, I can't stop laughing. Wow, rudeness is JUST so funny. It is SO hard to just step out of the space for 30 seconds, let us park and then go back to chatting up the girl. It is SO much funnier to just inconvenience random people for no reason. Ha ha.
You know what IS actually funny? How stupid are you that you don't realize that you are wearing the uniform of the company you work for and standing next to a van with a customized license plate for your company and a PHONE NUMBER for your company.
My DH called them after lunch. They were less than pleased with him.
Did we overreact? Why, yes we did! But, I really don't care. Rudeness for sake of being rude really infuriates me.
If we need water-damage cleaning? We might think twice about which of the two companies in town to choose.
To really appreciate this you have to know that I am unfailingly polite. To a fault. To the point where I get myself walked all over sometimes. I will "please" and "thank you" to death. I will go far out of my way to make your way easier or at least cause as little annoyance as I possibly can. It's a matter of respect. And, really? I can't help myself. It was how I was raised. My mother is the most polite, kind person you have ever met. I have never heard of anyone who doesn't absolutely love her. And tell me about it all the time. (Kind of hard to live up to, actually.)
On the few occasions when I lose it (and by "lose it," I usually mean sound slightly angry at someone...) I hate myself. I can't stop thinking about it. I wake up in a panic about it at night. Years go by and I still remember how horrible I was.
Because of this, my biggest pet peeve is rudeness. Disrespectful? Constantly late for no reason? Don't get me started. Vandalism? My blood boils. Being a punk kid? ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!
So, yesterday my DH and I went out to lunch at a fast food restaurant. The parking lot was crowded and my DH started turning into one of only two spots that were open. It happened to be in between two vans from a local water damage cleaning business (we've had a lot of flooding recently). There was a kid -- late teens, early 20s (yes, I've hit the age where anyone under 25 is a "kid") standing in the spot chatting with the girl in one of the vans. He was wearing the uniform for the company. We smiled at him expecting him to step out of the space and let us park. He grinned back, looked like he would move for a second and then thought better of it and said "No" chuckled and put his hands on his hips. We looked at him again and performed the universal motion for "get out the spot, please, and let me park" (waving your hands to the side...) He laughed and said "too bad!"
We finally had to back up (into a line of traffic) and drive to the next parking lot over to park.
(And, before you ask, no, he wasn't saving the space. He came into the restaurant about 10 minutes later and, by the time we left, there still wasn't anyone parked in that space.)
Oh, it was just so funny. What a funny joke. OMG, I can't stop laughing. Wow, rudeness is JUST so funny. It is SO hard to just step out of the space for 30 seconds, let us park and then go back to chatting up the girl. It is SO much funnier to just inconvenience random people for no reason. Ha ha.
You know what IS actually funny? How stupid are you that you don't realize that you are wearing the uniform of the company you work for and standing next to a van with a customized license plate for your company and a PHONE NUMBER for your company.
My DH called them after lunch. They were less than pleased with him.
Did we overreact? Why, yes we did! But, I really don't care. Rudeness for sake of being rude really infuriates me.
If we need water-damage cleaning? We might think twice about which of the two companies in town to choose.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Happy ICLW!!
Hello everyone and welcome to any ICLWers! I am so glad this week is here. I'm excited to get back out there in the blog world and meet some new people. I haven't participated in ICLW in a couple of months and I've missed it.
A little TTC background for anyone who is new here. I'm Rebecca and my DH and I started TTC in October 2008. We started fertility treatments in August 2009 after an HSG showed a blocked tube. Our detailed history is to the right. After several canceled cycles (clomid is evil), a hysteroscopic tube roto-rooting, a borderline high FSH and 4 Femara-IUIs we finally conceived in April when we were taking the month off of meds to weigh our options for IVF. It was shocking and incredible and we were amazingly happy. We saw the h/b at 6w6d and things seemed to be going well. Unfortunately, at 11 1/2 weeks I started bleeding and an u/s showed no h/b and no fetal growth since about 7 1/2 weeks (although apparently the sac measured right on schedule). We scheduled a D&C but my body finally realized what was happening the night before surgery was planned and I miscarried on my own at 11w6d on June 24. Right now I'm waiting for a phone call from my nurse saying that my beta has fallen far enough so we can try again. (She just called. It isn't. It's 6.9 which seems pretty darn low to me but the RE wants it to be under 5. The analytical chemist in me/statistician husband in my head says "yeah, with what degree of uncertainty?! What's the confidence interval?!! Is there a significant difference from 5?!" So, one more week of blood letting...)
Oddly, it was a month ago today that I started bleeding. I say "oddly" because I've lost the ability to measure the passage of time, I think. I feel like I was pregnant forever, but it was only 2 months that I knew about my little spider baby. Now it feels like it has been even longer since I haven't been pregnant -- and, at the same time, seems like only yesterday. How does that work?
This whole summer has been surreal. First I felt like everything was different because I was finally pregnant. Then I couldn't believe that everything was exactly the same again. I lost a few weeks mentally. I kept working because I didn't know what else to do, but I'm not exactly sure what I did while I was there. Very few people knew I was pregnant IRL so there weren't a lot who knew about the m/c. People at work have all been wondering what is wrong with me. I can't seem to share it with them and so I just keep saying that things are OK and getting better. (I think some have thought we were having marital problems which couldn't be further from the truth.)
Anyway, I'm finally starting to feel better. I manage to go an hour or more without thinking about it sometimes. There are still days where it all gets to me and I collapse in tears. But, I'm ready to move forward. I'm terrified it is going to take another 20 months before it happens again but I feel like it might actually be possible for it to happen. This pregnancy took me by total surprise. I had given up hope and was convinced nothing would work for us. Now I know it is possible for us to get pregnant and I just really want to get back there again. We're going to try on our own for a few months and then head back to IUI. IVF is still in the back of my mind but hopefully we won't need to use it.
Ok, so that was a longer intro than I meant. I can be a little long-winded and overly chatty sometimes... ☺
Anyway, welcome and I'm happy to get to know you!!
A little TTC background for anyone who is new here. I'm Rebecca and my DH and I started TTC in October 2008. We started fertility treatments in August 2009 after an HSG showed a blocked tube. Our detailed history is to the right. After several canceled cycles (clomid is evil), a hysteroscopic tube roto-rooting, a borderline high FSH and 4 Femara-IUIs we finally conceived in April when we were taking the month off of meds to weigh our options for IVF. It was shocking and incredible and we were amazingly happy. We saw the h/b at 6w6d and things seemed to be going well. Unfortunately, at 11 1/2 weeks I started bleeding and an u/s showed no h/b and no fetal growth since about 7 1/2 weeks (although apparently the sac measured right on schedule). We scheduled a D&C but my body finally realized what was happening the night before surgery was planned and I miscarried on my own at 11w6d on June 24. Right now I'm waiting for a phone call from my nurse saying that my beta has fallen far enough so we can try again. (She just called. It isn't. It's 6.9 which seems pretty darn low to me but the RE wants it to be under 5. The analytical chemist in me/statistician husband in my head says "yeah, with what degree of uncertainty?! What's the confidence interval?!! Is there a significant difference from 5?!" So, one more week of blood letting...)
Oddly, it was a month ago today that I started bleeding. I say "oddly" because I've lost the ability to measure the passage of time, I think. I feel like I was pregnant forever, but it was only 2 months that I knew about my little spider baby. Now it feels like it has been even longer since I haven't been pregnant -- and, at the same time, seems like only yesterday. How does that work?
This whole summer has been surreal. First I felt like everything was different because I was finally pregnant. Then I couldn't believe that everything was exactly the same again. I lost a few weeks mentally. I kept working because I didn't know what else to do, but I'm not exactly sure what I did while I was there. Very few people knew I was pregnant IRL so there weren't a lot who knew about the m/c. People at work have all been wondering what is wrong with me. I can't seem to share it with them and so I just keep saying that things are OK and getting better. (I think some have thought we were having marital problems which couldn't be further from the truth.)
Anyway, I'm finally starting to feel better. I manage to go an hour or more without thinking about it sometimes. There are still days where it all gets to me and I collapse in tears. But, I'm ready to move forward. I'm terrified it is going to take another 20 months before it happens again but I feel like it might actually be possible for it to happen. This pregnancy took me by total surprise. I had given up hope and was convinced nothing would work for us. Now I know it is possible for us to get pregnant and I just really want to get back there again. We're going to try on our own for a few months and then head back to IUI. IVF is still in the back of my mind but hopefully we won't need to use it.
Ok, so that was a longer intro than I meant. I can be a little long-winded and overly chatty sometimes... ☺
Anyway, welcome and I'm happy to get to know you!!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
100th post -- And, now for something completely different
We interrupt our regularly scheduled whining for an announcement:
I could go on and on about how great blogging has been (it has) and how much I appreciate all of you (and, believe me, I REALLY, REALLY do). I could tell you that I don't know how I would have made it through treatments and happy surprise pregnancy and horrible loss without you (and, I really don't know how I would have).
But, you know all of that.
Instead, to mark the occasion, I am going to go an entirely random direction and celebrate my geekiness on two levels:
One, I love words and word games. For those who have been here a while, you may recall the last time I revealed this when everything was copacetic back in March.
Two, I love Star Trek -- all of the franchises from the original to Enterprise. Even when it was "bad" I loved it. And the new movie? Bliss... It's a family thing. I have a picture in my office of me as a member of the Enterprise crew -- photoshopped at Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas (OMG, so much fun). I got the new Enterprise crew (I've had a crush on Scott Bakula since Quantum Leap), my mother got Next Generation and my step-dad got Deep Space 9. And, I really do still feel like I'm on Star Trek when I use my iPad!! :)
When my geeky worlds collide? Happy geek overload!!!
Today's word of the day: conn, a verb meaning to conduct or steer a ship. The best part of the word of the day site:
"Since the 19th century, "conn" has also been used as a noun ("the control exercised by one who conducts or directs the steering of a ship"). This noun, though seldom encountered in general English, is likely familiar to fans of the various Star Trek series in which the directive "You have the conn" is sometimes given from the starship captain to another officer on the bridge." (From Merriam-Webster Online Word of the Day)
(Oh, I'm so salivating right now as I picture Captain Picard saying this.)
Anyway, this was really apropos of nothing, but it made me smile. And smiling is a good thing!
(Oh, yeah, and I'm also a Monty Python geek -- hence the title... ☺)
(And, still not sure what I'll do about the u/s charge. I know that, overall, what we're actually being charged is nothing compared to what some of you have had to deal with. Makes me so angry about the idiotic health care system. Grr.)
(Oh, and Kakunaa, I admit I don't think I said the word "virile" (although I thought about it) but I did tell her that he couldn't have produced that many samples that quickly!!! I think I embarrassed her into finally canceling the double charge.)
(And, my continuing babbling and ridiculous number of parentheses is definitely the latte I had this morning and not me just being scatterbrained. Yep, definitely.)
I just noticed something. This is my 100th post! Woohoo!!! ☺
I could go on and on about how great blogging has been (it has) and how much I appreciate all of you (and, believe me, I REALLY, REALLY do). I could tell you that I don't know how I would have made it through treatments and happy surprise pregnancy and horrible loss without you (and, I really don't know how I would have).
But, you know all of that.
Instead, to mark the occasion, I am going to go an entirely random direction and celebrate my geekiness on two levels:
One, I love words and word games. For those who have been here a while, you may recall the last time I revealed this when everything was copacetic back in March.
Two, I love Star Trek -- all of the franchises from the original to Enterprise. Even when it was "bad" I loved it. And the new movie? Bliss... It's a family thing. I have a picture in my office of me as a member of the Enterprise crew -- photoshopped at Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas (OMG, so much fun). I got the new Enterprise crew (I've had a crush on Scott Bakula since Quantum Leap), my mother got Next Generation and my step-dad got Deep Space 9. And, I really do still feel like I'm on Star Trek when I use my iPad!! :)
When my geeky worlds collide? Happy geek overload!!!
Today's word of the day: conn, a verb meaning to conduct or steer a ship. The best part of the word of the day site:
"Since the 19th century, "conn" has also been used as a noun ("the control exercised by one who conducts or directs the steering of a ship"). This noun, though seldom encountered in general English, is likely familiar to fans of the various Star Trek series in which the directive "You have the conn" is sometimes given from the starship captain to another officer on the bridge." (From Merriam-Webster Online Word of the Day)
(Oh, I'm so salivating right now as I picture Captain Picard saying this.)
Anyway, this was really apropos of nothing, but it made me smile. And smiling is a good thing!
(Oh, yeah, and I'm also a Monty Python geek -- hence the title... ☺)
(And, still not sure what I'll do about the u/s charge. I know that, overall, what we're actually being charged is nothing compared to what some of you have had to deal with. Makes me so angry about the idiotic health care system. Grr.)
(Oh, and Kakunaa, I admit I don't think I said the word "virile" (although I thought about it) but I did tell her that he couldn't have produced that many samples that quickly!!! I think I embarrassed her into finally canceling the double charge.)
(And, my continuing babbling and ridiculous number of parentheses is definitely the latte I had this morning and not me just being scatterbrained. Yep, definitely.)
Monday, July 19, 2010
The one where Rebecca gets pissed at medical costs
(title courtesy of a Friends binge I've been on...)
Ok, seriously, this makes no sense to me at all.
How on earth does my local hospital get away with charging $973.70 for an emergency 15 minute external ultrasound to check to see if my baby was alive? And, in their bill, they call it a 14 week pregnancy ultrasound (which I obviously wasn't) which makes it seem like it wasn't a necessary ultrasound but an optional one. My insurance company, through the magic of all the deals they make with hospitals, is only going to "allow" them to charge me $281.00 and calls it "medical service."
Which I still find ridiculous. At my RE's office I had three ultrasounds after we'd already found out the pregnancy wasn't viable (one to confirm and get more info and two to make sure everything had come out after the m/c). You could even argue that these were unnecessary ultrasounds. Each one was both external and vaginal. Each one lasted 20 minutes or more. The RE charged $178.00 for each one and my insurance "allowed" them to charge me $58.90 and called it, are you ready for this, an "ultrasound!" That is $176.70 for three in depth optional tests or $281.00 for one absolutely necessary emergency test. Something is VERY wrong with that.
(For the u/s at 7w I had to confirm and date the pregnancy at the RE the "allowed" charge was $106 on a $360 bill. Not sure why it was different, but still seems a lot more reasonable!)
What's even more ridiculous? The "cash" price that my RE charged for u/s for fertility treatments (since my insurance sucks majorly where IF is concerned) was $85 (recently raised to $100). So, that means I've been paying less than 1/3 the cost of a covered, medically necessary test for my uncovered, entirely frivolous (to them) test.
Here I was thinking it was foolish to drive 90 miles for ultrasounds and blood work at my RE's office. Little did I know how much I was saving.
I'm considering contesting the cost of the emergency ultrasound. Not the amount that my insurance is charging (because I believe they are charging the right amount based off of what the hospital is charging), but what the hospital is charging in general. I don't understand on what planet that cost makes sense. For those who have had emergency ultrasounds at the hospital, was the cost similar? Am I crazy or are they? Or, should I just keep my mouth shut and thank my lucky stars that my RE hasn't figured out how much she could be getting away with charging...
One of the reasons I'm so angry about this is that I seem to spend all my time contesting incorrect bills from doctors since we started fertility treatments. We've been re-charged twice for an ultrasound we already paid for, I've argued for a week about a $2000 credit card payment they claimed didn't go through (when I'd already been billed for it by the cc company and paid the bill) and I've spent 6 months contesting an incorrect double charge for an IUI. I finally had to tell the customer service rep that, as virile as my husband is, it is highly unlikely he provided two samples for "sperm washing" within a few minutes of each other and she needed to check her records more carefully.
Yeesh.
Ok, seriously, this makes no sense to me at all.
How on earth does my local hospital get away with charging $973.70 for an emergency 15 minute external ultrasound to check to see if my baby was alive? And, in their bill, they call it a 14 week pregnancy ultrasound (which I obviously wasn't) which makes it seem like it wasn't a necessary ultrasound but an optional one. My insurance company, through the magic of all the deals they make with hospitals, is only going to "allow" them to charge me $281.00 and calls it "medical service."
Which I still find ridiculous. At my RE's office I had three ultrasounds after we'd already found out the pregnancy wasn't viable (one to confirm and get more info and two to make sure everything had come out after the m/c). You could even argue that these were unnecessary ultrasounds. Each one was both external and vaginal. Each one lasted 20 minutes or more. The RE charged $178.00 for each one and my insurance "allowed" them to charge me $58.90 and called it, are you ready for this, an "ultrasound!" That is $176.70 for three in depth optional tests or $281.00 for one absolutely necessary emergency test. Something is VERY wrong with that.
(For the u/s at 7w I had to confirm and date the pregnancy at the RE the "allowed" charge was $106 on a $360 bill. Not sure why it was different, but still seems a lot more reasonable!)
What's even more ridiculous? The "cash" price that my RE charged for u/s for fertility treatments (since my insurance sucks majorly where IF is concerned) was $85 (recently raised to $100). So, that means I've been paying less than 1/3 the cost of a covered, medically necessary test for my uncovered, entirely frivolous (to them) test.
Here I was thinking it was foolish to drive 90 miles for ultrasounds and blood work at my RE's office. Little did I know how much I was saving.
I'm considering contesting the cost of the emergency ultrasound. Not the amount that my insurance is charging (because I believe they are charging the right amount based off of what the hospital is charging), but what the hospital is charging in general. I don't understand on what planet that cost makes sense. For those who have had emergency ultrasounds at the hospital, was the cost similar? Am I crazy or are they? Or, should I just keep my mouth shut and thank my lucky stars that my RE hasn't figured out how much she could be getting away with charging...
One of the reasons I'm so angry about this is that I seem to spend all my time contesting incorrect bills from doctors since we started fertility treatments. We've been re-charged twice for an ultrasound we already paid for, I've argued for a week about a $2000 credit card payment they claimed didn't go through (when I'd already been billed for it by the cc company and paid the bill) and I've spent 6 months contesting an incorrect double charge for an IUI. I finally had to tell the customer service rep that, as virile as my husband is, it is highly unlikely he provided two samples for "sperm washing" within a few minutes of each other and she needed to check her records more carefully.
Yeesh.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Random thoughts and the search for a hobby
A few random things that have been rolling around in my head lately (interesting image):
And, more importantly, I need a new hobby. Anybody have any ideas? My hobbies are generally very much me sitting around by myself -- knitting, reading, blogging, watching TV, etc. I need something that gets me out of the house and out of my head.
So, there you go, my meandering brain.
- I hate the pregnant woman who works down the hall from me. And I feel like a turd for doing so. I can't stand to look at her. Seriously, I avert my eyes when she walks by. It's worse than any other pregnant woman I've known since I've been TTC. This was true even when I was pregnant, too. She has a 14 year old kid born when she was in high school or college and another one who she had right after she got here. Now the second one is about to turn 2 and she's moments away from having the third. Stupid hyper-fertile b****. I'm not even sure why she's here this summer. She only teaches here occasionally when we need someone to sub for a semester. She's teaching in the fall (about three weeks after her next one is born), but not now. Her husband is teaching this summer but she isn't. But, here she is, waddling out of the elevator every five minutes hugging her belly. And, I keep running into her as she's chatting with the pregnant former student of mine (because I'm sure they have many things to bond about, actually, and the latent "nice" side of me thinks it is good for the student to have someone to talk to). Talk about rubbing salt in the wound. I hate myself for hating her so much. I just keep picturing how much worse it is going to be when she comes back in the fall with the new baby. And, since both she and her husband will be teaching, I'm sure she'll be toting the kid around all the time (because that's what people do here) and everyone will be cooing and asking me when I'm finally going to have one. Blech. (I have to keep reminding myself that I wouldn't want her life and that there are plenty of reasons not to be jealous of her -- having a baby when you were in high school, for instance, or having to teach 3 weeks after having a kid. Very hard to stay focused on that, though.)
- My students had to write critical analysis essays about something scientific this summer. One student chose to write about IVF. I'm not sure what made her decide to do so (I suppose she could be an IVF baby herself...she's 17 years old, it is possible). Anyway, reading her paper was just weird. It was like my two worlds of work and IF had collided. She did a pretty decent job of summarizing the process. I kept having to stop myself from editing some of the details that would have obviously given me away as someone who has researched the process extensively. (I did change "implant" to "transfer" though, because that always bothers me.) She kept going on about how most insurance companies cover IF and IVF and I had to correct her on that. But, the most frustrating thing was, although she was coming down on the side of IVF, she was trying to say that it is too complicated and people are too stupid to be able to follow the directions and it is too expensive so it just isn't worth it. Yes, it is expensive and somewhat complicated, but she just can't understand what IFers are willing to put ourselves through. I wanted to write a long comment about IF and IVF and introduce her to the IF-blogland, but I restrained myself.
- My younger nephew is going to be one in a few weeks. The invitation to his party showed up the day after my m/c while I was holed up at home on the sofa. It has a picture of him grinning from ear to ear and it just broke my heart. My SIL asked my DH if I'd like to babysit him and his older brother after the party because she and her husband are going to celebrate by staying in a hotel overnight. She's the only one in my DH's family who knew I was pregnant. I just can't even imagine doing it. I'm having a hard enough time going to the party -- this is not how I pictured it going. He told her it was too soon for me. I love both of the boys and hate that I can gauge how long we've been TTC by how old they are. I wish I could figure out how to just be happy around them. The younger one was born when I had a raging migraine from my very first Clomid cycle. His birthday is hitting me extra hard this year.
- I am a giant fat pig. OK, that is totally an exaggeration, but seriously, I've got to do something about my body. I had gained about 5 pregnancy pounds and lost about 3 after the bloat and giant boobs disappeared. If you add to that the general IF and stress weight I've gained over the past two years I just really need to lose at least 5 and more like 10 pounds. I'm hating my body right now. Half the time I still look pregnant. I can't seem to make myself DO anything about it, though. Comfort food has been so...well...comforting lately.
- I'm pretty sure I ovulated on Tuesday. For one thing, I had my standard "O day" mental and emotional collapse to my DH on Tuesday night. I'd forgotten how reliable that was! Who needs OPKs when you know you're O'ing by how long you cry on the sofa to your husband about how much you hate your life?!
And, more importantly, I need a new hobby. Anybody have any ideas? My hobbies are generally very much me sitting around by myself -- knitting, reading, blogging, watching TV, etc. I need something that gets me out of the house and out of my head.
So, there you go, my meandering brain.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Where we go next
Several of you asked what our plans are "next" so I thought I'd talk about them a bit.
When I said I felt "normal" again, I meant physically. Mentally I guess I feel what I'm going to call the "new normal." I am feeling very anxious to TTC again. Partly that may be because I appear to be about to ovulate (ovulation pains and loads of EWCM), so I've got it on the brain. Also, I think it is because I just don't want to wait. All I can think is that I want to get back to the joy of being pregnant. I know that I'm going to be terrified the entire time, but it is better than the depression of not being pregnant where there is no possible hope for joy. (OK, obviously there is hopefully joy about other things, but you know what I mean.) I hate having more and more milestones where I "should" have been and want to move on. I will never forget the first baby, but I need to move forward. And, I'm afraid it is going to take forever again, and, if that is true, then "forever" needs to start sooner rather than later!
Right now we're still monitoring my betas. Yesterday's number was 17.5 so it is on its way down. My RE wants to test until it is essentially negative (although that seems like we're getting pretty close). So, I go back next Tuesday for another test. Hopefully we'll be near zero. I'm still spotting brown a bit at this point. It's getting a little old.
Our plan is to try for maybe two cycles on our own again (hopefully starting next cycle). Then, we'll head back to the RE if nothing has happened. I think we'll try a few more IUIs again. Not sure if she'll want to test something else or do anything else. Part of me still wants to rush to IVF, but the logical part of my brain says that it happened with no treatment so adding IUI should work. Is it odd that I still don't think IUI will work for us despite the fact that we got pregnant without any help? Possibly we'll add injects. Before I didn't want to do that because it seemed like nothing was working and I wanted something with higher probabilities, but, now I'm not so sure.
I've started taking my temp again. Mostly so I can get back in the habit of it and get an idea of when I should expect AF. For me, that was the most control I had during TTC and it makes me feel better to have some sense of control over something. Anything, really.
When I said I felt "normal" again, I meant physically. Mentally I guess I feel what I'm going to call the "new normal." I am feeling very anxious to TTC again. Partly that may be because I appear to be about to ovulate (ovulation pains and loads of EWCM), so I've got it on the brain. Also, I think it is because I just don't want to wait. All I can think is that I want to get back to the joy of being pregnant. I know that I'm going to be terrified the entire time, but it is better than the depression of not being pregnant where there is no possible hope for joy. (OK, obviously there is hopefully joy about other things, but you know what I mean.) I hate having more and more milestones where I "should" have been and want to move on. I will never forget the first baby, but I need to move forward. And, I'm afraid it is going to take forever again, and, if that is true, then "forever" needs to start sooner rather than later!
Right now we're still monitoring my betas. Yesterday's number was 17.5 so it is on its way down. My RE wants to test until it is essentially negative (although that seems like we're getting pretty close). So, I go back next Tuesday for another test. Hopefully we'll be near zero. I'm still spotting brown a bit at this point. It's getting a little old.
Our plan is to try for maybe two cycles on our own again (hopefully starting next cycle). Then, we'll head back to the RE if nothing has happened. I think we'll try a few more IUIs again. Not sure if she'll want to test something else or do anything else. Part of me still wants to rush to IVF, but the logical part of my brain says that it happened with no treatment so adding IUI should work. Is it odd that I still don't think IUI will work for us despite the fact that we got pregnant without any help? Possibly we'll add injects. Before I didn't want to do that because it seemed like nothing was working and I wanted something with higher probabilities, but, now I'm not so sure.
I've started taking my temp again. Mostly so I can get back in the habit of it and get an idea of when I should expect AF. For me, that was the most control I had during TTC and it makes me feel better to have some sense of control over something. Anything, really.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
My best friend's wedding -- where rebecca becomes a drunk
I'm in LA for my friend's wedding. Having a great time. Thursday night we went out for some somewhat subdued bacheloretting. I bought out the glow-jewelery section of the party store so we were all draped with glowing necklaces, etc. And tiaras. And flashing things. And bridal top hats. It was really fun. We kind of felt like 12 year olds on a drunken tear. Hmm, that just sounds wrong! Anyway, you know what is lovely? Gin and tonic. You know what is hilarious? Watching the bride's mother and maid-of-honor attempt to make a glow penis out of glow necklaces after drinking some gin and tonics.
You know what's really yummy? Never ending margaritas at the rehearsal dinner. They just kept coming... I *think* I only had two... But the waiter emptied the pitcher into my glass every time he took away a nearly empty one so it was probably more...
I've had WAY too much to drink since I've been here (and planning to have more at the actual wedding tonight...). But, it's helping me feel better about the fact that I wasn't supposed to be able to drink at this wedding, so that's just what is going to happen!
I realized the other day that I feel "normal" again. I guess I hadn't realized how different being pregnant made me feel overall. Suddenly I was at work and I realized I felt normal. It was weird. And, I'm feeling anxious to start trying again. All of which I think is a good thing. I feel worried that, now that we got pregnant without "help", I'm going to expect it to happen instantaneously again. It's almost like I'm back to the naive person I was two years ago when we were just getting started. I'm trying to get that idea out of my head so I'm not too disappointed. I'm just so afraid it is going to take another 20 months.
I also have to admit that I'm terrified my friend will get pregnant before I do again. They're going to start trying in a few months and I don't know how I will handle it if it happens quickly for them and I'm still trying... again. At the same time, I desperately want it to happen quickly for them. I wouldn't wish this IF hell on anyone and my friend is a few years older than I am. Every day I want to yell at her "what are you thinking waiting a few months??? You should have been off the pill 6 months ago and started trying three months ago!!" When she said that she hadn'tH really started taking pre-natals regularly, I just wanted to shove some down her throat. Sigh... When you know too much.
Which, I think, is why alcohol has just been so very tasty this weekend...
You know what's really yummy? Never ending margaritas at the rehearsal dinner. They just kept coming... I *think* I only had two... But the waiter emptied the pitcher into my glass every time he took away a nearly empty one so it was probably more...
I've had WAY too much to drink since I've been here (and planning to have more at the actual wedding tonight...). But, it's helping me feel better about the fact that I wasn't supposed to be able to drink at this wedding, so that's just what is going to happen!
I realized the other day that I feel "normal" again. I guess I hadn't realized how different being pregnant made me feel overall. Suddenly I was at work and I realized I felt normal. It was weird. And, I'm feeling anxious to start trying again. All of which I think is a good thing. I feel worried that, now that we got pregnant without "help", I'm going to expect it to happen instantaneously again. It's almost like I'm back to the naive person I was two years ago when we were just getting started. I'm trying to get that idea out of my head so I'm not too disappointed. I'm just so afraid it is going to take another 20 months.
I also have to admit that I'm terrified my friend will get pregnant before I do again. They're going to start trying in a few months and I don't know how I will handle it if it happens quickly for them and I'm still trying... again. At the same time, I desperately want it to happen quickly for them. I wouldn't wish this IF hell on anyone and my friend is a few years older than I am. Every day I want to yell at her "what are you thinking waiting a few months??? You should have been off the pill 6 months ago and started trying three months ago!!" When she said that she hadn'tH really started taking pre-natals regularly, I just wanted to shove some down her throat. Sigh... When you know too much.
Which, I think, is why alcohol has just been so very tasty this weekend...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Back to life, back to reality
(Apparently it's "name your blog post with a song" day today. I'm a little disturbed that this came from a cheesy late 80s song, but that's OK...)
Howdy all! (Not sure where that came from either...)
Do you know what happens when you give up caffeine because you're pregnant and then suddenly start drinking lattes again? I'll tell you what: your mind races so quickly that your fingers can't keep up! Caffeine has a very interesting effect on me -- you can see my body start to process it as I start to perk up and talk faster and faster. At some point I realize it is happening but there is nothing I can do about it to slow myself down.
Whee!
OK, I had a point here. Hmmm....
Oh, yeah. Had a nice weekend. We ended up going to Iowa for the night. We went to a very cool place where they have farms that they run as if it were the 1700s, 1800s, etc. Shockingly we weren't the only people there without kids. Best part: free root beer floats (sorry Erika -- just read how much you hate them!! :) ) We went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in Ames (had a lovely glass of wine) and then I finally found a dress to wear to my friend's wedding that doesn't make me look pregnant.
Sunday we decided to hang around at home so we climbed to the top of our roof with a blanket and pillows and watched all the crazy people in the neighborhood attempting to blow themselves up. And, we could see the city's fireworks from there. It was really cool to have the near fireworks and the far fireworks because it was like fireworks in 3D! And, very peaceful and romantic, I have to say.
Last night it was back to reality -- the 5th of July. A friend of ours always has a 5th of July party (because you can still set off fireworks legally here through the 5th and they're usually pretty cheap by then). I'm not a fan of the 5th of July. The 5th of July is my father's birthday. For those who don't know, I haven't spoken to my father since I was 16. July 5th is always a big reminder of the pain of our relationship (won't go into that now). This year, especially, since two days before my BFP I got an e-mail from some woman who says that she's my father's girlfriend (he's been through about three wives and who knows how many girlfriends and fiances since he and my mother divorced when I was 5) and was having a surprise party for him for his 65th birthday and wouldn't it be awesome if I appeared? Yeah, not really.
Anyway, that wasn't really the point. The point was that, at the party, I got back to the reality of "so, how are you doing?" *pointed glance at stomach* from people I haven't seen in a while. Hate that. Did I used to do that to people? I really hope not. Of course, I do the stomach glance, now, but without the question because I'm terrified that I'll see something there. And, July 5th was supposed to be the day that I was "OK" to tell people. So, it sucks more.
OK, so I feel like I'm babbling. I'm going to blame the caffeine. Time to get back to the real world of work. Even though I worked during all of this, I feel like I've been gone for weeks. My brain has definitely been somewhere else and I've been doing the bare minimum to get by. I hope I can refocus, but I don't know how not to think every day about how pregnant I "should" have been.
Howdy all! (Not sure where that came from either...)
Do you know what happens when you give up caffeine because you're pregnant and then suddenly start drinking lattes again? I'll tell you what: your mind races so quickly that your fingers can't keep up! Caffeine has a very interesting effect on me -- you can see my body start to process it as I start to perk up and talk faster and faster. At some point I realize it is happening but there is nothing I can do about it to slow myself down.
Whee!
OK, I had a point here. Hmmm....
Oh, yeah. Had a nice weekend. We ended up going to Iowa for the night. We went to a very cool place where they have farms that they run as if it were the 1700s, 1800s, etc. Shockingly we weren't the only people there without kids. Best part: free root beer floats (sorry Erika -- just read how much you hate them!! :) ) We went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in Ames (had a lovely glass of wine) and then I finally found a dress to wear to my friend's wedding that doesn't make me look pregnant.
Sunday we decided to hang around at home so we climbed to the top of our roof with a blanket and pillows and watched all the crazy people in the neighborhood attempting to blow themselves up. And, we could see the city's fireworks from there. It was really cool to have the near fireworks and the far fireworks because it was like fireworks in 3D! And, very peaceful and romantic, I have to say.
Last night it was back to reality -- the 5th of July. A friend of ours always has a 5th of July party (because you can still set off fireworks legally here through the 5th and they're usually pretty cheap by then). I'm not a fan of the 5th of July. The 5th of July is my father's birthday. For those who don't know, I haven't spoken to my father since I was 16. July 5th is always a big reminder of the pain of our relationship (won't go into that now). This year, especially, since two days before my BFP I got an e-mail from some woman who says that she's my father's girlfriend (he's been through about three wives and who knows how many girlfriends and fiances since he and my mother divorced when I was 5) and was having a surprise party for him for his 65th birthday and wouldn't it be awesome if I appeared? Yeah, not really.
Anyway, that wasn't really the point. The point was that, at the party, I got back to the reality of "so, how are you doing?" *pointed glance at stomach* from people I haven't seen in a while. Hate that. Did I used to do that to people? I really hope not. Of course, I do the stomach glance, now, but without the question because I'm terrified that I'll see something there. And, July 5th was supposed to be the day that I was "OK" to tell people. So, it sucks more.
OK, so I feel like I'm babbling. I'm going to blame the caffeine. Time to get back to the real world of work. Even though I worked during all of this, I feel like I've been gone for weeks. My brain has definitely been somewhere else and I've been doing the bare minimum to get by. I hope I can refocus, but I don't know how not to think every day about how pregnant I "should" have been.
The Versatile Blogger Award!
Ooh, this is fun!
I've been nominated by several people for this one recently. Thank you all so much! :) Thank you to someday-soon, Mel, Leslie, and Trisha! You guys are all awesome! :)
For this award, here’s what to do:
1. Thank whoever gave you the award.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 10 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.
Things you may not know about me:
****************************
Now, here are my nominees for The Versatile Blogger Award. Some of you may have been nominated already -- well, consider yourselves ULTRA-nominated, now!
Bumps Along the Way
Dear Diary
The Elusive Embryo
Happy High Heels
Infertility: A Type A's Nightmare
Mission: Motherhood
No, I'm not pregnant, just fat
So Much for Simple and Easy
TTC Hopeful
I've been nominated by several people for this one recently. Thank you all so much! :) Thank you to someday-soon, Mel, Leslie, and Trisha! You guys are all awesome! :)
For this award, here’s what to do:
1. Thank whoever gave you the award.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 10 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.
Things you may not know about me:
- I started teaching when I was about 10 years old. My parents started an educational consulting company when I was a kid and I taught computer summer camp to elementary school teachers. (I can only imagine how awkward that was for them...) We were teaching teachers how to teach kids to use computers. This was the mid-80s, mind you. We taught them to use Basic and this old drawing language called LOGO on Ataris and Commodores. Yeah, I'm that old.
- I tend to memorize movies I love and annoy the heck out of people who are watching them with me. Multiple Monty Python movies, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, etc.
- I broke my nose in college in a circus performance class. It was a lot of fun -- well, until I started streaming blood everywhere.
- I'm from the south, but don't have an accent and it always seems to freak people out. When I was interviewing for jobs I must have said "yes, I know I don't have an accent" at least five times at every interview. Except for the ones in the south where people understand that not everyone from the south has an accent... I tend to mimic the accent of whoever I am around without realizing I'm doing it and that can get embarrassing.
- My father almost named me Mandy because he was a DJ in the 70s and I think the song sold a million copies or went platinum or something the day I was born.
- I love Tangrams. They're one of my favorite things to do to pass time. That and crossword puzzles.
- There are only 6 things that are interesting about me... OK, there are probably more but I really can't think of any...
****************************
Now, here are my nominees for The Versatile Blogger Award. Some of you may have been nominated already -- well, consider yourselves ULTRA-nominated, now!
Bumps Along the Way
Dear Diary
The Elusive Embryo
Happy High Heels
Infertility: A Type A's Nightmare
Mission: Motherhood
No, I'm not pregnant, just fat
So Much for Simple and Easy
TTC Hopeful
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Moving along
Today's ultrasound report: there's some "debris" left but the majority is gone. That's good. After this weekend, I can't imagine how there is anything left in there at all. Honestly there was a point where I thought I must be starting to shed entire organs!
So, we're going to monitor my beta levels to make sure they're going down and hope that everything that is left comes out with my next cycle. If they aren't going down then they'll have to take a look again.
So, now we wait a week or so and I join that strange sisterhood of women hoping to celebrate quickly dropping betas.
After yesterday's depressing morning I had a nice afternoon with my students rappelling down the ROTC tower at school. I didn't rappel myself, didn't seem like the best plan right now, but I was at the top of the tower shooting pictures and it was a lot of fun. Nice bonding experience for everyone and it was great watching the students conquer their fears. I'm sure there's an inspirational message in there somewhere. :)
We're planning on getting away this weekend. Haven't decided where, yet, but I really need to not spend the entire weekend staring at the walls of my house. I'm out of class until next Wednesday (woohoo!) and planning on taking advantage of it!
So, we're going to monitor my beta levels to make sure they're going down and hope that everything that is left comes out with my next cycle. If they aren't going down then they'll have to take a look again.
So, now we wait a week or so and I join that strange sisterhood of women hoping to celebrate quickly dropping betas.
After yesterday's depressing morning I had a nice afternoon with my students rappelling down the ROTC tower at school. I didn't rappel myself, didn't seem like the best plan right now, but I was at the top of the tower shooting pictures and it was a lot of fun. Nice bonding experience for everyone and it was great watching the students conquer their fears. I'm sure there's an inspirational message in there somewhere. :)
We're planning on getting away this weekend. Haven't decided where, yet, but I really need to not spend the entire weekend staring at the walls of my house. I'm out of class until next Wednesday (woohoo!) and planning on taking advantage of it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)