Was I just feeling positive? Well, that didn't last very long.
I'm having a jealous day. One of those days where I look at babies and I feel my insides crumble. One of those days where I read about pregnancies and I feel like screaming.
(Don't get me wrong, pregnant or mommy readers, I really do love reading your updates, absolutely love reading your comments here and I am incredibly happy for you. Some days are just tough, you know?)
I think this particular jealous day has been building up over time. The administrative coordinator for my grant had her baby with her at a dinner the students threw for us last night. He's a little over 1 and adorable. And, he was everywhere. In a tiny room. And, I couldn't get away from his adorable grins and giggles. And, he was just so sweet. And, it killed me.
And, then I couldn't stop thinking about going to my nephew's first birthday in a week and a half.
And, then I realized how close the fall semester is to starting again and how my plans for the fall have completely changed. I keep thinking about "freshman welcome day" where everyone in the department stands up and says something about themselves to welcome the new chemistry majors. I'm remembering last year feeling so left out and jealous when every single person in the department but me mentioned either their kids or their pregnancy as their "hobby." And, now, another year has passed and two more babies have been born in the department. And, it's killing me.
And, then, I got an e-mail from my undergraduate chemistry department. Every year they send out an annual report talking about what the current students and faculty have been up to, etc. They also include updates from the class that graduated 15 years ago. I have been excitedly looking forward to being included in that update since I graduated in 1995! I'm not sure why, but it just seemed like such a cool thing. (I remember the first time I read the report thinking how *old* the people who graduated in 1980 were... Oh, dear.) Anyway, I started to fill out the on-line form about what I'm doing now and then I got to the section on "family." It said "please include the name of your spouse or partner and the names and ages of your children." As if it were a given. As if, of course at this point you'd have all those things. I remember two months ago thinking that by the time I filled out the form (told you I've been looking forward to this) I'd be comfortably pregnant and could say that we were expecting our first child in January. Now, the square just kept staring at me and it felt so empty. I wrote "I married my husband in 2008." I left the site open on my computer for hours because I just couldn't submit that. The empty box just said nothing about what we're going through.
And, it killed me.
Let me be clear, I'm still feeling positive about our next steps and TTC'ing again. I'm just feeling generally negative about where we are right now. It's just a jealous day and I'm missing being pregnant and wallowing in it a little bit.
(Seriously, if someone plotted my moods by looking at my blog posts I think they'd think I was nuts. I seem to go from positive to negative every other post.)
Awww aweetie...I read someone's post today about their pregnancy and cied. I get it. Days like this are so hard. Sending you cheery vibes. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to swing back and forth on the pendulum, you know. I, too, felt huge pangs of jealousy last night when a high school acquaintance posted pictures of his new baby on FB (it's his second). Here I am, twelve years after graduation, and one of the last to remain childless.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks.
Hugs,
Jo
Oh honey - ((((((HUGS)))))))) a million times over.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. It really, really sucks.
I spent a week with my sister and her 18 month-old, and it was the hardest / greatest week ever. I broke down after seeing all the cards that our family had sent to her after her daughter's birth, and it just killed me. Then, the next day I was overjoyed to teach my niece a new song. Infertility is crazy, not you.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? If you're comfortable, you could express your opinion to the person who made the alumni form...that "children" shouldn't be given and out of sensitivity, it could be changed. I mean seriously, who doesn't know what the "family" section includes?
ReplyDeleteI remember when you talked about the introductions and how you felt. You need to remember that you aren't inferior just because you don't have a child. It's not something that you can help. I would come up with everything you can to show everyone just how fabulous you are...and practice it and mean it. The truth is, you probably have more strength than the vast majority of the people in that room!
I get those jealous days, too. (((HUGS)))
Jealous days are really hard. I have them a lot. Some days you think you're better, going along in your merry life, and then bam - not so good. Totally get it...
ReplyDeleteI hate reading those updates from schools. Does EVERYBODY have kids by now??? I think the answer is yes...
If someone plotted your moods from your blog posts, they'd actually say: you know what? She's a totally normal, typical woman dealing with IF and m/c as gracefully as she can, which has been pretty darned graceful, if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteIt's so normal to have days that are harder than others. And those reunion/class update things were always killers for me too. I didn't get married until I was 35 so for my post-college 5 and 10 years reunions/updates, I had almost nothing to write and it sucked.
You will get there, hon. It took me 3 years with my old eggs, but I finally made it. I truly believe you will too and don't feel guilty about a few (or alot) of bad days along the way.
I can COMPLETELY relate. I feel hopeful, jealous, angry, relieved, happy at timees, confused... you name it... all in the course of one day.
ReplyDeleteI hate that box- it's ridiculous to assume what people are going through. Besides infertility, there are single people? There are people who have lost spouses, children, etc? And also, how about hobbies besides children? Ugh. I am sorry for you.
I think Kelly has a good point. I was talking to a co-worker recently, one of the few non-breeders in my office who is child free by choice. She spoke about how difficult life can be when being amongst throngs of breeders, it is the "norm" to not have kids and when you don't it is easy to feel left out. So many expectations on the way life "should" be, its not faaaaiiirrr!! Glass case is right too, what if your single?
ReplyDeleteAnd I swing on the pendulum with you, one day I am happy, the next I am miserable and feeling sorry for myself. I imagine its par for the course when dealing with IF.
It's okay to go back and forth about how you are feeling. Hell, it only takes me a split second sometimes to go from completely positive to saying, "I'm never going to be a mom." And I would have the same reaction to the family update. I think it's a little presumptuous to assume that everyone would have children or even be married. I'm so sorry, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it's a rough day for you. I wish we could hit pause on life and all of the pregnancy around us would just pause until we have a baby.
ReplyDeleteBeing positive and optimistic one day and jealous or sad the next is completely normal! I'm going through the blues right now, too. The pendulum will swing back again... that's something we can count on.
ReplyDeleteThe mood swings are so hard, especially because they always seem to hit at really bad times. Like, why couldn't I be having this mental breakdown yesterday, when I had nothing to do, rather than today???
ReplyDeleteThe alumnae updates are so hard. I've had nothing to add to my high school or college class notes for the last two years, since miscarriages aren't really the kinds of things you advertise in places like that. Like, "Yeah, still married, still in school, still living in the same place...still waiting for a freaking baby!"
I'm so sorry you're having such a bad day,one all those things together are just too much to deal with. Anyone would be stressed! Especially on those bad days it's okay to skip the blogs of those of us who are pregnant. We've been there and we understand and want you to take care of yourself however you need to.... We always know you're cheering for us, just like we're cheering for you!
ReplyDeleteHope today and tomorrow (etc.) are better days, my friend!!
I'm sorry that you have had a hard time lately. I think it is perfectly normal to swing back and forth. It sounds like you have had a lot going on that would definitely be stressful. Hang in there, and know that we can totally relate and understand!
ReplyDeleteUmmm, don't even think that your moods should be a straight line. Mine jerk around during a 5 minute phone call, so no reason you should be different -- you are a normal person under a lot of stress, and it's compounded by a crapload of hormones. Feeling good and then feeling less good are all OK and normal, and I'm sorry you are feeling shitty because I SO get the jealousy and anger and just pissed-off-ness of having things be hard.
ReplyDeleteSo I hope you swing back to the light side soon, but even if not, what you are feeling and when you are feeling it? Totally OK.