Happy ICLW!!

Hello everyone and welcome to any ICLWers! I am so glad this week is here. I'm excited to get back out there in the blog world and meet some new people. I haven't participated in ICLW in a couple of months and I've missed it.

A little TTC background for anyone who is new here. I'm Rebecca and my DH and I started TTC in October 2008. We started fertility treatments in August 2009 after an HSG showed a blocked tube. Our detailed history is to the right. After several canceled cycles (clomid is evil), a hysteroscopic tube roto-rooting, a borderline high FSH and 4 Femara-IUIs we finally conceived in April when we were taking the month off of meds to weigh our options for IVF.   It was shocking and incredible and we were amazingly happy. We saw the h/b at 6w6d and things seemed to be going well. Unfortunately, at 11 1/2 weeks I started bleeding and an u/s showed no h/b and no fetal growth since about 7 1/2 weeks (although apparently the sac measured right on schedule). We scheduled a D&C but my body finally realized what was happening the night before surgery was planned and I miscarried on my own at 11w6d on June 24. Right now I'm waiting for a phone call from my nurse saying that my beta has fallen far enough so we can try again. (She just called.  It isn't.  It's 6.9 which seems pretty darn low to me but the RE wants it to be under 5.  The analytical chemist in me/statistician husband in my head says "yeah, with what degree of uncertainty?!  What's the confidence interval?!!  Is there a significant difference from 5?!"  So, one more week of blood letting...)

Oddly, it was a month ago today that I started bleeding. I say "oddly" because I've lost the ability to measure the passage of time, I think. I feel like I was pregnant forever, but it was only 2 months that I knew about my little spider baby. Now it feels like it has been even longer since I haven't been pregnant -- and, at the same time, seems like only yesterday. How does that work?

This whole summer has been surreal. First I felt like everything was different because I was finally pregnant. Then I couldn't believe that everything was exactly the same again. I lost a few weeks mentally. I kept working because I didn't know what else to do, but I'm not exactly sure what I did while I was there. Very few people knew I was pregnant IRL so there weren't a lot who knew about the m/c.  People at work have all been wondering what is wrong with me. I can't seem to share it with them and so I just keep saying that things are OK and getting better. (I think some have thought we were having marital problems which couldn't be further from the truth.)

Anyway, I'm finally starting to feel better. I manage to go an hour or more without thinking about it sometimes. There are still days where it all gets to me and I collapse in tears. But, I'm ready to move forward. I'm terrified it is going to take another 20 months before it happens again but I feel like it might actually be possible for it to happen. This pregnancy took me by total surprise. I had given up hope and was convinced nothing would work for us. Now I know it is possible for us to get pregnant and I just really want to get back there again. We're going to try on our own for a few months and then head back to IUI. IVF is still in the back of my mind but hopefully we won't need to use it.

Ok, so that was a longer intro than I meant. I can be a little long-winded and overly chatty sometimes... ☺

Anyway, welcome and I'm happy to get to know you!!