Graduation

I cried.

We watched our two beautiful babies wiggle their tiny little arms and legs around and I cried.  Baby A flailed everything.  I never imagined they'd be moving so much already at 10 weeks.  Baby B waved one arm.  Then, as if telling us it was time to leave them alone, Baby B suddenly flipped onto his/her side.  We all gasped.  I cursed myself for being so fascinated that I forgot I wanted to film the screen.

My tiny giant-alien-headed teddy bear babies.  Hearts beating and limbs flailing.  Perfect size.  Beautiful.

Dr. Smiles hugged me tight and gave me a kiss on the cheek.  He hugged the nurse as she got the perfect images.  He told us how much he enjoyed working with us.  We talked about how to find a good OB.  The nurse is working to help us find the perfect one.  She said with a smile "now, you're going to have to start to accept that you're pregnant with twins."  Dr. Smiles said "well, in a couple of years come back and we'll thaw the one on ice for a little sibling."

We waved "hi" and thank you to the embryologist.  I wanted to run over and squeeze her.  The woman who helped form my children.  Their first "babysitter."  The woman we trusted to nurture them for the five days that I couldn't.

Tears were in my eyes as I thanked them all from the bottom of my heart.  How can you thank them enough?

The nurse handed me a bag and said "you get new mommy treat bags, now.  No more med bags."

We left and I felt sad that I had missed the nurse who knew I was pregnant before I even POAS.  The nurse I first met nearly a year ago when she was checking my laparascopy scars and told me that the one on the right was healing the best because that was the one she was in control of during surgery.  The one who hugged me when IUIs failed.  As we waited for the elevator, she came running out of the office "How could you leave without saying goodbye?!"  We hugged each other tight and I cried.  I thanked her again and again.  She told me how happy she was for us and I knew she meant it.  She thanked us for persevering.  She told us "bring those babies by to meet us."

How can I leave these people?

My babies are safe.  They are beautiful.  They are loved.

I can't stop crying.

Yoga, it's a miracle

So, all weekend my lower abdomen pain has been getting worse and worse.  Burning, uncomfortable, sore, lots of pressure.  Worse as the day goes on but, lately, bad in the mornings, too.  I've been hanging out on the couch getting nothing accomplished just feeling like, well, crap. 

This morning, as I struggled out of bed and thought "how the hell am I going to teach today?" I bent over on the bathroom rug desperate for some relief. 

That's when it occurred to me, maybe all of this is from my swollen ovaries getting pressed up against my uterus as it expands.  I remembered back long, long ago to when someday-soon recommended kneeling face down, butt in the air to help get OHSS-y ovaries back into place.

So I did a kind of modified downward dog for about half a minute.

Instant relief.  And, not only that, but when I stood back up, the pressure was gone.  Sure, things are still very sore, but it's a night and day difference.

I mean, for the first time in a week I can walk and I feel like my energy is back. 

Gotta love yoga. 

Now, we just wait until tomorrow for our 10 week ultrasound.  I'm nervous and excited at the same time.  The appointment isn't until 3:00, so no update for a while in case you're as anxious about it as I am... ;) 

Hiya!

OK, first of all, writing "hiya!" just made me think of Miss Piggy saying "HI-YA!" and reminded me just how frickin' excited I am to see the new Muppet movie. I was hoping we'd get to see it this weekend but my DH is getting a little stressed about work, so it's going to have to wait a bit. Sigh...Kermie...

Second -- Marybeth -- I'm so glad to see your comment because I was worried about what had happened! Keep me posted when you can -- you can e-mail me through my profile.

Let's see. I didn't mean for a week and a half to go by since my last post. But, last week was crazy at school and then we've had this week off and have been traveling (new city every night) since Monday and there's never been reliable internet service and as much as I love my new iPhone, it sucks to try to post on it... Or comment on blogs -- sorry that I've not been that great about it lately. Trying to catch up!

So, anyway, here's a summary of everything that's been going on.

It was SO weird to be visiting friends these last few days because we were visiting people who actually KNOW what's going on. So, for the first time since I've been pregnant, I got to actually DISCUSS the pregnancy and IVF. I won't lie, it freaked me out a lot. I would find myself in the middle of a conversation and then start thinking "yeah, but this is going to feel stupid if it all ends next week."

I wish I could get out of that mindset. I keep saying to myself "this will be a successful pregnancy. There's no reason why it shouldn't be."

Then we were at my SIL's house for Thanksgiving where she and my BIL know but my DH's parents/their partners don't know. Luckily, after Thanksgiving lunch, EVERYONE is sleepy so it didn't look weird that I couldn't keep my eyes open... (My DH has decided to wait as long as possible to tell his parents. At one point he said something about 20 weeks... I hope he's joking because I'm trying to imagine being pregnant with twins at 20 weeks and trying to hide it from his mother.)

Yesterday, my DH and I wandered around a closed car lot and checked out minivans and SUVs. Talk about bringing on a bit of a panic... I SO want to get a big ol' family car but I'm really afraid to jump the gun.

(I have GOT to get out of this mindset.)

Yesterday, my cousin's wife had her triplets -- she was only about 27 weeks. They'd had her on hospital rest for at least the last two months and were hoping to keep them in until 32 weeks, but it didn't happen. Everything is looking good so far, but this is so early (they are all around 2 pounds or less) and it is so scary. Please send lots of positive thoughts their way. They've got a long way to go, yet.

Today I went to urgent care because I've been feeling like I had a UTI for the last several days and it keeps getting worse. I did an at-home test and it was inconclusive. Well, the test at the clinic said all is fine -- although they are sending it off for culture just to make sure. Basically, I just can't tell anymore if my uterus is hurting or if it is my bladder. So, I thought I'd rather get it checked out than find out that an infection was slowly making its way up to my kidneys. Still hurting a lot. But, I guess it's all to be expected. Everything is just very sore. The doctor offered me an u/s today, but I turned it down. The scan wouldn't have told us anything useful that we could actually DO, and my next RE scan is Tuesday. And, I think I really didn't want the scan because, if there is bad news, I just want a few more days of believing.

So, a lot of this post seems like I'm feeling down about the pregnancy. I'm not, really. It's just that this next scan will be "the one" that tells us if the same thing that happened last time has happened again. Last time, we didn't find out about the miscarriage until 11.5 weeks, but the baby probably died around 7.5 weeks. So, now the scan on Tuesday is at 10 weeks -- and our last scan was at 7.5 weeks. It's this "unknown zone" that scares me. I just want to make it past this milestone. Then, of course, I'm sure I'll say the same about 12 weeks, and 14 weeks and 20 weeks and etc., etc. But, after this one it will all at least be different from the last time. I need that difference. If it wasn't for the bleeding, I think I'd be in a better place with it (who am I kidding, probably not).

So, there you are. Long rambling post. How surprising, right? Never would expect it from me, right? :)

Anyway, for all in the US, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. For all around the world, I hope you're having a wonderful Friday.

Eight weeks

Today I'm 8 weeks pregnant!

It was a good weekend.  I stayed camped out on the sofa the whole time.  The bleeding slowed to a trickle and I just kept picturing the u/s and relaxed.  It was good.  I was still hurting, but not too bad.

And...and...you won't believe this!  My DH even emptied the dishwasher!  We have had a dishwasher since our February remodel and this is the first time he has ever emptied it!  I think he finally realized that waiting for me to do it only works if I'm capable of standing and bending. 

Of course, things were put away in all sorts of weird places -- but I totally don't care.  It was awesome.

(Normally, I really don't care about this because he does so much else around the house and the new kitchen has become my domain which I love taking care of.  But, lately the thought of standing and washing pots and pans was not a happy one and he wasn't noticing.)

Back to work yesterday -- but I'm being good and as relaxed as possible.  When I'm not in class or lab or office hours or meetings, I've gone home -- the joy of living three blocks from work.  I took a nap at lunch both yesterday and today.  And, seriously, if students didn't keep popping in my office this afternoon I would be asleep sitting up at my desk. 

Other than sleepiness, still feeling starved/nauseous.  Thanks, someday-soon, for the oyster cracker recommendation.  Much easier to nosh on than saltines! 

I'm afraid I'm going to jinx myself -- but no bleeding today so far.  Wahoo!

I have amused myself today by looking at 8 week pregnant twin belly shots on-line.  Because my belly is still giant from the OHSS and I look huge.  I kept thinking it would go down, but my ovaries are still about 10 cm across each (which is considered the borderline between moderate and severe OHSS).  Which is about the size of a softball.  Seriously, I've got two softball sized ovaries in my abdomen?  How the hell does that work?  So, I think the belly is my body trying to find room for my ovaries.  I guess by the time they do finally go down, I'll actually be showing "for real."  When I first had OHSS, my stomach muscles were killing me because my belly pushed out so quickly. 

I feel like I need to start carrying large purses or books or groceries or standing behind plants like I'm trying to hide a pregnancy on TV.

Friday afternoon, I returned from the RE to find an extra special bonus present -- you know, beyond the ultimate present we'd just been given.  My new iPhone was waiting for me on my porch!  I upgraded from a dying 5 1/2 year old flip phone that would generally only let me make it through half a conversation before its battery died. 

So, I've been entertaining myself asking Siri questions.  For instance, I just asked her what the diameter of a typical softball is.  Then I asked her to convert the units to centimeters.  Of course I could do this myself, but it is so entertaining to talk to my phone.  Yesterday I asked her if I needed a jacket at lunch and she told me the expected low for the day and then the current temperature.  I am so easily amused.

So, yeah, the one thing I'm not getting accomplished is any work.  I really should be grading.  But, my brain is just off the deep end lately.

Hope you're all having a good week.

11-11-11 is a lucky day

I made a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 and it came true.

We're all OK.  All three of us.  Both babies' hearts are still beating strongly.

I'm 7w3d today.  Baby B was easy to find and measured 7w4d.  The heartbeat was obvious and strong.  Baby A was difficult.  At first, the doctor thought he didn't see anything anymore.  In fact, for a good five minutes or more we were having a discussion about what might happen as my body began to recognize that Baby A was gone. We really couldn't see anything.  The doctor said "I'm saying I can't see a heartbeat, not that there isn't one there, but I really can't see it and the yolk sac looks odd."  But, then, suddenly, he moved the probe in a slightly different direction and there was Baby A.  And, there was the heartbeat -- just as strong and rapid as Baby B's.  We were all in shock.  Baby A is measuring at right around 7w3d.  Right on schedule.  For a moment, we got to see them both on the screen at the same time with their hearts beating together.  It was beautiful.

The problem appears to be that the subchorionic hematoma (which apparently is what this has been all along but not what he was calling it before) has gotten larger and there's something else going on, too.  It almost seems to be that there's a third sac on top of the first two.  But, it is empty and kind of smooshed.  The doctor isn't sure what he's seeing.  It's making it difficult to get a good picture of what is going on.  So, we have to keep an eye on it.

Regardless, the SCH is going to continue to be a pain in my uterus.  Literally.  He said that it will continue to bleed as the babies grow.  And that I should expect some heavy bleeds again.  They're keeping me on bed rest as long as I'm actively bleeding.  I'm hoping that things will calm down over the weekend and I can get back to work next week -- sitting the whole time but at least there.  It's eased up back to a trickle since the scare yesterday.  (But, believe me, I'll continue to sit on my ass at home if I need to.)

So, we're OK.  The SCH scares me -- I've heard of many women who have had them and had successful pregnancies -- but it still is just scary.

We will go back Tuesday the 29th (the week after Thanksgiving) for a 10 week scan.  Hopefully nothing else will happen before then to make us go back sooner.

Thank you all so much for your words yesterday and today.  I've said it before, but I feel like I can never say it enough -- your support means so very much to me.

We're OK.

I really hate this

Lots more blood today.  Like a heavy period.  I'm on nurse ordered bed rest until we go down for another emergency scan tomorrow afternoon.  Apparently that's what I do on Fridays, now.

The reason we're waiting until the afternoon is that I've had to (figuratively -- it's all from the sofa) run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to arrange for coverage for all the things I have scheduled tomorrow.  First I had to leave lab an hour early today and desperately beg a fellow faculty member to watch my students for the last hour.  Then, I'm giving an exam in the morning (which isn't quite written, yet) that my DH is going to photocopy tonight (if I ever finish it -- my focus is a bit off) and then proctor for me. 

The worst part is that two of my colleagues are off campus tomorrow and, in return of favors they've done for me during all this IVF stuff, I was going to cover THEIR classes.  So, my DH is covering an exam for one of them that is immediately after mine.  Then, the poor man has to run to give his own lecture.  Then we're leaving immediately after that to drive the 90 miles to my scan -- I wish I had a damned doctor here that I could go to but I haven't found a new OB, yet.  So, the afternoon quiz/lecture I was supposed to cover is now having to be covered by someone else -- not sure who, yet, but my dean has said he'll find someone (he's aware of what's going on).  And, of course, just the quiz part -- the lecture part will just have to slide.

Not to mention the three or four other things I had to cancel or rearrange.

I hate this.  I hate asking for favors.  I hate having to tell people, yet again, "something has come up and I can't do 'x'"  I hate this so much.  I realize, in the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal and it just has to happen.  But, it is just against my personality to ask for help and it's against my nature to share what's going on.  It's just hard.  And, I think focusing on the re-scheduling helps me ignore what's going on inside me.

Now that I've taken care of most of it all (got to get this exam off my head) I'm just trying to meditate and relax.  Trying to think positive thoughts. 

But, of course, I'm terrified again.  This is a lot of blood.  A lot.  I know it could all still be OK.  But, each time I reconcile one thing, the bleeding gets worse -- just red spotting?  OK, that's no big deal.  Medium bleeding?  That's OK, things are still fine. Full pads worth of blood?  That's getting hard to ignore.

Little ticks, I love you very much.  Please be OK.

How things are

Things are pretty good.

I'm 7w1d today!  Just 6 days until our next scan!

I had two whole days straight of no bleeding!  I thought I was making it a third day but it started back up again last night. (I need one of those "It's been ___ days without an accident" signs.)  It's not as bad as it was, but still there.  I'm still feeling pretty good about everything and trying not to think about it.  I just wish it would flippin' stop.

Cramps still seem to come and go. 

I'm in the hungry/nauseous phase.  Thankfully no vomiting at this point.  Just feeling like I will vomit if I don't eat pretty much all the time and feeling especially nauseous at night.

I'm utterly, utterly exhausted.  I haven't stayed up past 9 o'clock in a week and seem to fall asleep on the sofa at 7:30 most nights.  Then, of course, I wake up extra early because my brain is confused (and the time change doesn't help). 

My boobs are gigantic and my nipples are hot pink and enormous.  Just thought you should know.  :)

I was out of town at a meeting for three days and, luckily, it was a workshop that involved me sitting on my butt the whole time.  I ordered room service both nights I was there (fancy, fancy hotel -- lots of fun) because walking around looking for food seemed like a bad plan. And, room service was actually reasonably priced.

I was worried I wouldn't get a lot of protein on this trip (breakfasts and lunches were provided and non-meat protein sources are few and far between at these things sometimes).  Normally, I'd take a bunch of nuts as a go-to protein snack.  BUT, during my last pregnancy, my allergist told me that a few new studies have shown that highly allergic mothers (such as me) who ate nuts during pregnancy (even if they weren't allergic to them themselves) increased the likelihood of having children with nut allergies.  So, I'm trying to be nut free.  Which kind of sucks!  (And, am afraid that I'm going to end up causing the opposite effect.)  So, before I left, my DH boiled me a half dozen eggs and I took a little cooler with me.  I added them to random meals throughout the trip.  It was actually quite yummy.

I'm having some generalized anxiety issues today for some reason and I'm just trying to meditate and breathe. 

I have no desire whatsoever to go teach my lab this afternoon.  Maybe the students won't notice if I don't show up... (I wish I could say they'd all be excited for it to be canceled. But, there are only four weeks of lab left this semester and they're all behind and missing a day would FREAK them out.  They all seem a bit type A.  Which, I suppose, is better than them not caring.)

OK, I guess I'd better suck it up and go to lab.  Blah.

Happy Wednesday!  Sorry for the rambling post. 

Two heartbeats!

The ticks' tickers are ticking!  My relief is beyond enormous.

All is well.  The blood is coming from a spot right above Baby B's sac.  Dr. Smiles said that there is some "separation" between the sac and the wall of the uterus at that point.  But, it's not the main point where the sac is attached --the entire side is attached to the side wall of the uterus and it looks very strong there.  He said he's actually glad that the blood is flowing because, otherwise, there would be a build up of pressure there that would be pressing on the sac.  Baby A's sac seems unaffected by it.  I don't like the idea of any "separation" but he seemed to think it wasn't a problem, so I'm OK.  The nurse said it looks like the bleeding should be stopping soon.  She said to keep taking it easy but that things should be OK.

They first flipped to Baby A and you could see the tiniest flicker of a heartbeat immediately.  Not quite strong enough to measure, yet, but definitely there.  Then we moved over to Baby B.  The sac is more distorted and it's a little hard to see but there was definitely a heartbeat, too.  There was a bit of a surreal moment when Dr. Smiles actually thought he saw a second yolk sac in Baby B's sac -- as in a possible identical twin split.  But, lots more zooms in and out confirms that it was just the gestational sac.  Now, THAT was a moment of panic!

Both the nurse and Dr. Smiles have had experience with this personally -- Dr. Smiles' wife and the nurse herself.  So, they were both very understanding of our panic and made sure that the scan was as thorough as possible and made sure to reassure us.  A wonderful thing.  After Dr. Smiles left, the nurse said that with her pregnancy she bled at the beginning and then, for the rest of the pregnancy, never stopped looking at the toilet tissue.  She said she'd be sitting there feeling the baby move and still be afraid to see blood.  So, she understands.

I'm feeling much better.  The cramps are still there but the blood is less -- still there, but less.  And, I'm trying to believe that I can stay calmer, now.  (Of course, last time I said that it lasted for about 24 hours...)  But, seeing the heartbeats made me feel infinitely better.  I can breathe again.

Thank you all so much for your support.  Reading what you wrote yesterday and today made me feel so much calmer.

We have heartbeats!!  Back for an 8 week growth scan on November 15th!

Zen and the art of trying to ignore the bleeding

Like it was waiting for after the scan, the bleeding got worse yesterday.  It's pretty much constant, now.  Yesterday, at one point, I started to pass some clots and it freaked me out.  (I was convinced the clots were the ticks.)  I called the nurse and she told me that she would expect a few clots after what they saw on the ultrasound and that I should take it easy for the rest of the day and call her this morning.

Luckily, no more clots since then, just a constant thin bleed.  But, bad cramps and heaviness that really feels just like I felt right before I started contracting and miscarried the last time.  (Sorry, this is all TMI.)

I'm trying, trying, trying, trying to ignore it.  I'm trying, trying, trying to believe that it is just whatever uterine irritation they saw and that's it.  As a last resort, I'm trying to believe that maybe we're just losing one of them.

I'm just having a really hard time seeing this working out.  I cried myself to sleep last night -- what little sleep I got -- and cried to my DH.  He's been wonderful and supportive.  I know he wishes he could help. 

I'm just really scared.  I mean, I was already nervous about this pregnancy -- I'm a post-loss, pregnant IF'er, what else could you expect?  But, this bleeding isn't helping me believe it's all really OK.

It's such a roller coaster.  The moment before the scan on Tuesday, I was convinced there was nothing there.  After the scan, I felt confused elation.  The next morning, waking up to even more blood just made my heart sink right back down again. 

After talking to the nurse just now, I'm going to go in tomorrow afternoon for a scan.  She said that if the bleeding stays the way it has been, I can stay at work but take it easy.  If it gets worse, I need to go home and lie down.  I don't know what we're looking for in the scan -- maybe early heartbeats?  Maybe just hoping that there's something still there?  Maybe hoping that there's an obvious source of the bleeding and that it is nowhere near the ticks and that they're still just fine?  I don't know.

Last night, in between trying to take my heart off the edge of depression that I know another loss would send me into, all I could think was "I just don't have time for a miscarriage right now.  I just really don't have time." 

I'll leave you with the little ticks' first ultrasound because it makes me happy when I see it and I'm trying to cling to them still being OK.  Baby B on the left looks a little smooshed in this picture, but the nurse was trying to get a shot of both of them at the same time.

(I swear, when I look at this picture, all I can see is one of the ghosts from Pac-Man!  ☺ )

Stay stuck, little ticks. 

(And, thank you for all of your wonderful comments on Tuesday's post.)

Well...

Look what's in my uterus:

It appears to be twins!

I honestly don't know how to feel!  I think I'm completely in shock.  As positive as I was trying to be, I was convinced we were going to get bad news.  I've had bright red spotting off and on for the past several days and the cramps were pretty intense.  I was really terrified and had to be convinced that everything was OK even as we were looking at the image on the screen.  The doctor pointed out an "irritation" in the uterus that is most likely causing the spotting but said I should try not to worry about it.  (Yeah, right.)  I also still have moderate OHSS (borderline severe) and we're cutting back on my progesterone.  So, that can't be helping all the pain.

We haven't had a chance to scan in the ultrasound, yet, but there are two gestational sacs each with a yolk sac.  They're beautiful.  They look about the same size and Dr. Smiles and the nurse were both really happy with them.  No heartbeats, yet, but it's just 6w0d today.  We go back in two weeks for another scan.  Part of me wants to go as soon as possible to see the heartbeats.  But, I'm OK waiting.  Remind me of that in a week and a half when I'm having daily panic attacks, OK?

As for the picture above... for dinner the day of my retrieval, we ordered Chinese food.  This twin fortune cookie was in the bag.  I think it was a sign.

I'm thrilled and scared.  One step at a time.  Lots of hugs from all the staff at the clinic.  Everyone is cautiously optimistic.

Oh, and Dr. Smiles referred to the embryos as ticks, too.  Independently of my DH.  Which, I think means that they're now officially stuck with that name!

THEY are stuck?!  They?  OMG.