Tuesday is the day!

Today's update: two follies at about 18 or 20 mm with a few more around 15 and multiple others at about 12 mm. Lining looked good (around 8 or 9 mm, I think).

The nurse seemed a little concerned about the follies. She said on the day of the trigger we were looking for about 2 at 18 and then as many at 15 as possible. After my E2 and progesterone came back (1446 and 0.3 respectively) she said all was good, though.

So, tonight is another syringe of ganirelix and three vials of menopur. Tomorrow is the same. She's calling me tomorrow morning once she looks at their schedule and the trigger will be Sunday night with retrieval scheduled for Tuesday morning!

(Which, impressively, is actually October 4th -- the date she predicted when we first started scheduling this. She's good.)

Oh, and then she gave me her cell phone number to call her if I have any questions about the injections for the next few nights. She said she wanted to make sure I wasn't worried about anything over the next few days. What a wonderful nurse, huh?

Those bigger follies were worrying me with the others lagging behind, but it seems like everything should be good. Part of me was disappointed she didn't want to do another scan on Sunday but I think it's probably better that I DON'T get another report to obsess over. I just want as many follies as we can get. I know on this protocol we expect a smaller number than on others, but I'd still like to have some options when it comes down to it. And, we'd really like to have something to freeze.

Anyway, that's really just my obsessiveness talking. I'm letting go of this and trusting my doctor and my nurse and my body.

Holy crap! I'm having an egg retrieval on Tuesday! Insanity.

Breathing a giant sigh of relief...

Our friends are delaying their trip for a few weeks!!  Woohoo!!  When my DH was talking to them last night about it, they were worried that they would offend us by putting it off.  Ha!  He said to them "well, we would have welcomed you to come this week but I know that Rebecca will say 'thank G-d!' when I go tell her you're coming in three weeks instead!"  Much better timing then!!

So, that's a major thing off my head.  I can focus on grading in the evenings in my messy house for the rest of the week and then clean casually this weekend -- the first weekend since August that I'm not out of town and/or working on a deadline.  (Yeah, the one two weeks ago where my DH was gallivanting with friends and I was stuck in the hotel room writing all day was a lot of fun...)

Woohoo!

Now for the IVF update...

(I still find it hard to believe I'm writing that.  I think all these distractions have definitely been good in keeping my mind off of the "big picture.")

Yesterday's check-up went well.  The other follies seem to be catching up on both sides.  There were still around 6 or so on each ovary that looked good.  She didn't take an exact count, but the nurse seemed really happy with them.  Several were right around 10 mm or so.  The "bigger" one from before is about 13 mm, now.  I have no idea how to predict where we'll actually be in the next few days but everything seems to be growing evenly and that seems good.  My lining went from 5.6 on Monday to 7.3-ish yesterday (which made me very happy since that has been an issue in the past).  E2 was 667 and the RE was happy with that.  Two more days of 225 IU Follistim with Ganirelix thrown in last night for good measure (although not tonight which I thought was odd.)

Another scan/E2 tomorrow afternoon.  The nurse is predicting retrieval Monday or Tuesday of next week!  It feels like this has gone by so quickly.  I guess just doing a short stim and no Lupron cycle makes the inject time pretty fast.


Oh, and lady pumpkin, yes it's C+B that I use for meditation.  Love it.  Although, lately I've had to make myself do it earlier in the day because I find that if I start at night I fall asleep before I make it to Level B relaxation!!  The other day, I woke in the middle to hear her saying "Listen to your instincts.  Maybe they're telling you that you need to get more sleep."  I started laughing. 

To anyone out there that celebrates Rosh Hashanah, L'shana Tova U'metuka! 

I think I'll go dip an apple in honey and think about having an incredibly happy and sweet new year.  This is the perfect time for an IVF cycle, I think.

Time to re-focus

OK, so I'm going with a bulleted list because there's a lot to say and I've been a tad overwhelmed lately.

• First, here's the giant bag o' meds!  My DH sent the pic to a friend of his and said "Rebecca's basically a giant pin cushion and probe depository right now."
• An update from Monday's appointment -- "a team" of nice looking follies on each side, maybe 6 or7 on each?  Hard to say.  One measurable one on the right at 10 mm.  Hopefully the others will catch up with it or it will slow down.  E2 was 246 and we stuck with the same Follistim 225 IU plan and my next check is today.
• You know you've been going to the RE too long when they scan over to your ovary (that first came out as "they scan overy...") and you see the follie and can predict its size down to the mm before the nurse measures it.
• Thanks for all the thoughtful comments on my post about my mom.  It felt good just to get it all out there. I haven't sent the message to her, yet.  First because I've been insanely busy (see below).  Then, yesterday I got a message from her saying that K is having a cerclage put in today after some worrying cervical shortening.  And, now I feel petty and guilty and very, very worried for her.  
• Also, yesterday I got a surprise Rosh Hashanah care package from my mother that made me cry it was so sweet.  
• What else?  Oh, yeah, the busy thing.  Every waking hour for the last week (and much of the weeks before that) has been spent working on a huge grant application with two other faculty members that was due yesterday afternoon (the campus grants officer pushed the "submit" button a whole hour early, even!).  And, I do actually mean every waking hour. And, there were far too many waking hours.  If I wasn't in a classroom, driving to an appointment or in the stirrups I was in a windowless room typing and editing.  Exhausting and probably a really bad idea to do right now.    I've been shooting up FSH in the women's room at work every night and trying to meditate whenever there was any down time.  This was a terrible amount of stress to put on myself right now.  It was distracting (I've barely realized I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle), though, and at least it didn't happen next week.
• So now when what I really need to do is catch up on sleep and the grading I've been putting off for writing, we have company coming this weekend!  And, I can't begin to describe how much of a mess the house is.  Blah.  These are good friends we've been trying to schedule a visit with forever, so I'm really glad to see them. I'd warned my DH that this wasn't going to be a good time for them to come visit but it was the only time that worked for them.  So, I don't know how, but in the next two days I have to clean all night long so that there's a bed for them to sleep on and the bathroom isn't gross despite the fact that I also have an insane amount of work to catch up on and really just want to curl up on the sofa.  
• Can you say stressed?  I cannot believe I've managed to let myself get this stressed in a time when I really need to be focused on myself and being calm.  Ugh.
• Speaking of which -- oh, yeah, was it ICLW this week?  Yeah, that didn't work. Sorry about that everyone.  And, sorry for being a generally sucky blog commenter this week.
• Anywho.  Time to refocus and recenter.  Hoping for some nice, evenly developed follies later. 
• Think I'll try to meditate before my class which will then be followed by the 90 minute sprint to the RE and race back just in time to shove food down my throat before lab starts.

No, I'm not stressed at all.  Why do you ask?

One day, maybe my mother will understand

My mother and I have always been close.  I've hated that I've drifted away from her over the past three years of infertility.  I've written about this before and reading what I wrote in the past makes me feel horribly guilty.  I love her so much and I want to see her and spend time with her, but I can't seem to talk to her about what's going on with us without making myself feel worse.  So, I don't.

Part of the problem is that she doesn't seem to have any clue how hard three years of infertility and a miscarriage have been on me.  I keep thinking she'll magically understand one day.  But, it's occurred to me that it isn't going to happen.  I'm going to have to directly tell her.  I thought I'd done so -- I've mentioned how hard it all is for us and how hard it is to hear about pregnancies, etc.  But, then she does something like what happened in December where she somehow forgot to tell me that my cousin A's wife was pregnant with their second child and let me find out by getting hit with her giant 7 month pregnant belly when we went out for dinner together about a week before what should have been my due date.  And, I guess that's my fault -- I mean, maybe she does understand that I don't want to hear about pregnancies so she didn't tell me.  But, seriously, if I'm going to have to find out eventually, there's probably a more sensitive way to tell me about it than that.

A week ago she left a message saying she wanted to talk "no big news or anything, just missing you."  I called back thinking it would be just a little chat.  About halfway through the conversation, she was telling me about all the extended family and friends they were having over for Rosh Hashanah.  She then said "well, you know, with [her business partner and family-like friend] J's family expanding -- OH!  Did I tell you they're pregnant?!  I mean, not J of course but [her son who I used to babysit and his wife] S and L!!  Isn't that exciting?"   I said "huh" and then essentially shut down for the rest of the conversation.  Yeah, they've been married about as long as we have (although have not been together for nearly as long -- they got married kind of quickly because of immigration issues), so I figured it was coming soon. I have no idea if they've been trying for a while.  And, frankly, I don't really care.  I just wasn't ready for the announcement.

So, after hanging up and screaming all around the house and crying half the night -- I mean, I used to BABYSIT him, even if he's an adult, now, he's still a kid in my mind!!! -- I finally realized that I needed to say it explicitly.  I needed her to understand how insensitive she's been.  And, I felt incredibly guilty for doing so.  (I don't normally go for stereotypes, but Jewish-mother guilt is a very real thing.)  My mother gets so excited about other people's happiness and she knows that I generally do, too.  But, it needed saying.

So, I composed a long e-mail.  I couldn't do it on the phone.  I knew I wouldn't make it through it.  I asked her not to give me pregnancy announcements on the phone anymore but to please give them to me by e-mail.  It's easier to get over my initial jealousy and disappointment in private before bringing out the genuine happiness I feel for my family and friends who are pregnant.  And I do feel genuine happiness for them and I don't want everyone walking around on eggshells for me -- I just want the time to grieve a little in private first.

I told her how upset it made me not to ever find out about my cousin's wife's pregnancy until I was confronted with it belly to belly.  I apologized for being so private about all we're going through.  I told her how I wished I could share but that my husband and I needed this to be for ourselves (and, apparently, the internet).

And, she wrote back and thanked me for telling her.  And, she said she felt she understood more.  And that she also felt bad and had mistakenly thought the phone was a better way to tell me these things because it wasn't as impersonal as e-mail.

And, I breathed a giant sigh of relief.

Until yesterday.  Because apparently she interpreted that message as "please tell me all about other people's pregnancies and how excited you are for them all the time but just do it by e-mail and then it will be ok." 

See, what I haven't shared here is that I have another cousin whose wife is expecting.  It was the not-so-cryptic family event I mentioned a few months back.  My cousin M and his wife K are expecting triplets.  I think she's about 18 weeks, now.  It's a situation that, for me, is fraught with confusing emotions.  They took a hard road to get here -- two incredibly tough losses and infertility.  I always thought I'd be ridiculously happy for them when they were successful -- and hoped it would be before us so we wouldn't make them feel bad instead.  And, I was and am.  But, the triplets thing threw a whole different kind of wrench into the works.  Because, obviously, some treatment they've done has actually worked.  I feel guilty for feeling jealous when this is such a scary, exciting, nervous-making, exciting, life-changing, high risk, scary situation. 

For the past two months or so, after telling me the news on the phone, of course, my mother has been sending me random updates both by phone and by e-mail about the pregnancy.  Enough so that I dread answering her calls or opening her messages each morning.  You know the type of "non-news" updates I'm talking about -- "When your aunt told everyone at the office about the triplets they all said 'My goodness!'"  Or, worse, messages that remind me of how excited she is for their pregnancy and how much she doesn't understand at all how it could possibly hurt me.

Yesterday she wrote "I was thinking about what baby afghans I'd make for the triplets so I called K to see what their color scheme is like and it turns out she was on the way back from the doctor.  She wasn't feeling right so she went to see him but he found all three heartbeats right away so everything was fine!"  First off, I don't want the details of the blankets you're making for your great nieces and/or nephews that you may never be able to make for your grandchildren.  And, secondly, why do I need to know the "non-news" that she thought things were off but they turned out to be OK?  That's not an update.

I tried to ignore it, though, after telling my DH about it who rolled his eyes at her and told me I needed to confront her again.  Then, this morning, she sent me a message telling me all about the Skype baby shower she and one of her friends are planning for M and K.  How they'll ship the presents to them ahead of time (they live out of town, too, and K won't be able to travel).  How they'll have M and K up on a big screen for everyone to watch and how they'll have a computer camera in Atlanta to pass around so everyone can say 'hi.'  And, what did I think?

What do I think?  First of all, they're only about 18 weeks -- personally, I think it is WAY too soon to be thinking about baby showers.  K has gone through recurrent loss -- I can only imagine how worried she must be about this high risk pregnancy!  I know I wouldn't want anyone asking me about baby showers that early.  Maybe she's different and is able to completely embrace the excitement without worry, but it would stress me out.

Secondly, what the hell do you think I think?  I think that I don't want to know about it.  I think that I don't want to be there (and I won't be since I'm 12 hours away) and I think I don't want to be in on all the planning details.  I think I don't want to know how excited you are to plan this shower and how excited you'll be about the shower for J's son's baby as well.  I think I don't want to know about your friend's grandchildren and great nieces and nephews that you have so much fun babysitting.

I think I want to believe that my mother, who is generally incredibly sensitive about how everyone else in the world feels would realize that this is hurting me.

But, she isn't.  So, I'm going to have to tell her flat out.  I'm going to have to tell her what I want to hear about this pregnancy -- if anything (G-d forbid -- see there's that Jewish guilt) goes wrong I want to be able to support them.  If they find out the sexes, I want to know.  I want to know the news.  I don't want to know the non-news.  And, I don't want to know about this great joyous occasion where all the family will be coming together to celebrate something that I may never celebrate.

I'm not saying it will never happen for us.  I wouldn't be shoving hormones in my stomach every night if I didn't think it might work.  But, knowing we have a "good" chance right now doesn't make baby showers any easier. 

Since she can't seem to figure out how I feel about this, I'm going to have to make her think about what it would be like if the tables were turned and my aunt was calling and e-mailing K to tell her all about my baby having a heartbeat and the wonderful shower she was planning for me. It's funny, when I think about that I cringe.  When I think about my mother doing the exact same thing to me, I just shake my head.  I guess I'm kind of used to my mother thinking of others before me.  That sounds awful and like I think she doesn't care about me.  It's not that way at all.  I think she cares so much that she sees me as an extension of herself.  When I was a kid and we were traveling, she'd volunteer my bed or my room to others in the family so I had to sleep on the living room floor assuming I'd be fine with it because she is an incredibly giving person and she would do anything to help someone else.  And, she still does that sometimes -- despite the fact that my husband and I have bad backs and can't sleep on the floor.  So, I think, sometimes, it is hard for her to realize that I'm a different person than she is.

Once again, I'm taking the "easy" route and writing it as an e-mail.  At some point I'm going to just have to talk to her about it.  But, I know it won't come out completely if I don't write it.  I'm waiting until the end of the day so she doesn't get it while she's working.  I've never talked to my mother the way I'm talking to her in this e-mail right now.  It's making me anxious.

But, not saying anything is obviously not working. Well, admittedly, saying something isn't really working, either.  But, I've got to try again before I start having to block her e-mail address and ignore her calls.

Wow.  That was long.  And, now I have to get back to the giant proposal I was working on.  I just had to get that out.  Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

We are go for stims, ladies (and gentlemen?)

Baseline scan this morning went great!  Everything was quiet -- thank goodness.  My last "full of cysts" scan was at the end of May and I've had only natural cycles (and 3 weeks of BCP) since then, but there was still a part of me that was afraid that those annoying little bastards had stuck around.

Dr. Smiles, once again, looked at my ovaries and declared them either "young" or somewhat polycystic.  I have no normal signs of PCOS and my hormone profile doesn't say PCOS.  And I ovulate regularly.  But, every time anyone looks at my ovaries they say "hmm, cyst-y."  Anyway, what it seems to come down to right now is that I have quite a few antral follies ready to go -- that seems like a good thing.  Given how I last responded to FSH  (E2 over 1500 after 7 days of 150 IU), Dr. Smiles wants to start off a bit cautious -- so I'm on 225 IU Follistim starting tonight.  Next scan Monday morning!

I picked up my giant bag o' drugs which I will, of course, photograph and post soon.  Because what kind of IVF blogger would I be without that picture?!?

Let the insanity of the mad dashes to the clinic begin!

(Now I'd better do, you know, some actual work.  Deadlines aren't getting any less deadlier...)

Hello ICLW!

Holy mackerel is it seriously ICLW already?  Where the heck did the month GO?! 

Hello to anyone new out there!  I haven't done ICLW in a few months because we've kind of been stagnating and I just didn't know what to say anymore.  But, we're back in the swing of things, now. 

Here's the mini-review:

I'm Rebecca (36) and my DH I have been "trying" for about three years -- coming up on our anniversary in a few weeks.  The incredibly detailed details are in Our TTC History  tab above but the brief summary (well, as brief as I'm capable of) is this:  3 years, 24 natural cycles, 2 horrid Clomid cycles, 4 Femara IUIs, 2 Follistim IUIs, lots of cycles canceled for cysts, 1 hysteroscopy, 1 laparasocopy, 1 "surprise" no-help pregnancy, 1 missed miscarriage found at 11.5 weeks.

Which leads us to now -- our first IVF cycle.  I finished up my last BCP on Sunday and have been spotting and cramping ever since.  (Actually, I started spotting and cramping before my last pill which seemed a little weird.)  Tomorrow morning is my baseline scan and, hopefully, I'll get the go ahead to start stimming tomorrow night.  Retrieval is tentatively scheduled around October 4th-ish!

We met with the embryologist on Monday.  Love her.  Last time I saw her she was about 9 months pregnant (in June) coming out to chat with a couple who'd brought their twins in to meet her.  They called her "the mixmaster."  :)  She is incredibly friendly and positive and intelligent.  She spoke to us like intelligent people which is kind of nice.  We talked about my DH's new test results.  It looks like his HOST is right on the border between "good" and "bad" (50%) and his morphology (at least this time) was 2% when they're looking for 4%.  Now, given the way they do these tests (pick about 200 sperm at random out of a sample of 80 million or so) these things can really fluctuate.  (My DH the statistician isn't impressed with the power of the test...)  But, regardless, it does seem like it might be something that could be affecting our results.  Not necessarily "the final answer" but not helping, anyway.  So, I think ICSI is definitely the way to go.

Anyway, I mention that she was pregnant because later that night my DH called up the stairs to me "hey, she was the same embryologist we saw in June, right?"  Yes.  "Wow, she sure seemed amazingly perky and awake for having a two month old!"  (His picture of early parenthood is his sister who looked like a zombie for the first year because her older son NEVER slept more than 30 minutes at a time.)

Beyond this IVF stuff, I am exhausted and have incredibly little time right now.  I had a huge proposal due this past Monday and another even huger (it's a word...) proposal due next Tuesday.  Not to mention a stack of lab notebooks and homework on my desk to grade and an exam to write before Friday.  And, of course, making sure I have something to talk about in class every day and that my students have chemicals for labs.  The group I'm working with for this proposal for next week has been meeting every night for three hours each and will continue to do so until Tuesday afternoon.  Work is nuts.  BUT, it will ease up as of Tuesday and I'll be able to re-focus my energy on my uterus when the time comes. So, that's good.  Meanwhile, I'm going to try my darndest to fully participate in ICLW but it may involve 3 am comments -- and nothing good ever happens after 2 am!!

Your balance exceeds the limit that you set

It sure does, DiscoverCard, it sure does. 

Of course, it concerns me a little that Discover let people put over $10k of charges on my card in the last week without my signature (all were ordered on the phone) without, you know, checking with me.  Seeing as how it was the first time I've used that card at either my doctor's office or this particular pharmacy.  Neither one of which are located anywhere near where I live.

But, if I travel out of state, they're on the phone with me in seconds making sure that I really did want to spend $5 at that Subway in Minnesota.

Anywho... it's done.  I need to transfer the money from my bank account soon so I don't keep looking at this scary credit card statement!

Last BCP was yesterday! 

Yesterday we also started taking our prophylactic doxycycline.  I think the pharmacist is questioning our morals.  First he had a chat with me about my doxy.  Then, the assistant brought over my DH's doxy.  The pharmacist looked at it and said "oh, you've got the...uh...same thing."  Then he kind of looked at us funny.  I got the feeling he thinks one of us has been screwing around and gave us both gonorrhea and he was kind of surprised we both seemed so smiley and happy about it!  :)  My DH and I had a good laugh about it later as we toasted each other with our giant blue horse pills.

We meet with the embryologist this afternoon!  I'll have more updates then.  We're planning on chatting with her a bit more about the HOST and morphology issues.  We are excited to go forward with ICSI but I'd like an "actual medical opinion" on if this may have been our problem all along -- or, at least one of our problems.

And, may I just say "EEP!"

A possible explanation?

Hi ladies!  Things are moving along over here.  Only three more BCPs left!  I drew a big circle around the last one that I'm supposed to take so I can use it as a countdown.  I smile when I look at it each morning.

I just got off the phone with the IVF nurse after scheduling our appointment with the embryologist (for Monday afternoon) and giving my credit card number for THE payment.  (I'd pay by check but why not get the cash back on my Discover card? :) )

We also discussed the results of my DH's complete SA from Monday.

Their recommendation?

ICSI.

That's right.  My DH.  The one with "super sperm."  The one who Dr. Smiles told us had provided enough highly motile "happy" sperm during our first four IUIs for 20 women.  They're recommending ICSI.

The reason?  His total numbers, motility and density were good.  But, his morphology was below normal.  As was his HOST (hypoosmotic swelling test).

I know morphology can fluctuate, so it's possible something has changed over the past three years or so.  But, it's the HOST that I'd never heard before.  No one had tested that before for him but it appears to be a measurement that doesn't fluctuation with time for an individual. And, reading about it, it seems that a poor HOST score is an indication of DNA problems with the individual sperm that fail the test.  According to my research (because I've always wanted to read the Journal of Andrology), a low HOST score can lead to failure in natural TTC, IUI and even "normal" IVF.  Not because of low fertilization rates.  But, because of implantation failure.  In one study, the fertilization rate, # embryos transferred and embryo morphology were all the same between those with high and low HOST scores by normal IVF.  BUT, the pregnancy rate for those with high HOST scores was 50% while that for those with low HOST scores was 0 %.  That's a zero, folks.  The authors propose that there is some sort of toxicity involved -- possibly of the other sperm around the embryo.  One article even said that it was proposed that having unprotected sex before or after an IUI if you have this sort of issue could hamper the pregnancy rate.  (I don't know about your clinics, but both of mine were always telling us to have sex a couple of times after the IUI "just in case" we missed the ovulation window.)  They say that ICSI can alleviate those issues if only sperm that do not fail the test are chosen. 

Is it an explanation?  Could this be why this hasn't been working for us?

Could I be grasping at straws?  Yes.  But, all you "unexplained" ladies out there understand the excitement of a possible reason.  Even more so, a reason with a treatment.  Yes, there are inherent issues and risks (and costs) involved with ICSI.  Yes, it might still make it less likely to work.

But, this is giving me renewed hope that it's possible that this could work.  That doing IVF is actually a useful treatment and not just me throwing money at a problem.

It'd be funny if it weren't so infuriating

Remember how I blithely typed the following on Saturday?

Of course, as long as it isn't like the first SA he did way-back-when that our local hospital forgot to analyze and we had to repeat, we'll be fine.

Yeah, I should know better by now than to jinx myself like that.  I swear we're cursed when it comes to this particular test.  Not in the results but in ever getting the damn thing done.

My DH, who is decidedly not a morning person, awoke without complaint at 6 am to leave the house at 6:20 to make the 90 minute drive for his "complete" semen analysis.  This was after coming to bed at 1 am after working late into the night to make sure that his students would have an assignment ready that I could give them in case he was late getting back to his 10:30 class.


I got to work at about 7:20 (rather late for me but his getting up at 6 threw off my whole morning schedule) to find that he called me at 7 am.  I called back, figuring he was just looking for company on the drive.  He said he'd happened to look at the appointment card they gave us on Friday afternoon and it says 9/13/11.  Oh, I'm sure it's just a mistake.  We stood there for five minutes with the receptionist specifically saying we needed the appointment on Monday.  The 12th.  We couldn't do Tuesday.  This was after they told us that the hospital only conducts SAs on Monday and Tuesday and they had to be done before 11 am.

I told him "Ok, I'll call them and let you know.  I'm sure it's just a mistake."

Yeah.  Not so much.

I spent the next 30 minutes on the phone to the clinic with them saying "yes, the 13th."  And me saying "no, what I'm telling you is that it has to be today.  He's already almost there."  After arguing the point multiple times, I hang up and wait for them to call the hospital.  Finally, I get a call from the nurse.  I'm assuming she will say "OK, we're all set, sorry about the mistake."  No, instead it's "Oh, well, there's no one working at the hospital today.  It can't be today.  I guess that's why she set it for Tuesday."

Huh? 

I was so angry I was shaking.  First of all, we were already frustrated that you made us schedule this appointment at the last minute without warning.  I understand that with IVF we're going to have to be flexible with our schedules, but this isn't something that has to be timed impeccably.  We could have done this two months ago when I called and asked "is there any kind of testing we can go ahead and get out of the way now?"  You know, back when we were on summer break and we had all the time in the world?  We live 90 minutes away and are both college teachers.  It isn't possible to just skip a class.  Three hour round trips have to be carefully planned.  (Not that it's any easier for those who have "real" jobs and have to take vacation time off of work to make these appointments.)

I don't even know what I said.  I tried to be as polite as possible in explaining why this situation was SO incredibly bad while making sure they knew how unacceptable this was.  I am REALLY not a confrontational person.  (I mean, this isn't some random lab I'm dealing with -- these are the people who are going to help get me pregnant (look at me being all positive).)  But, really?  I was furious.  They told me that we'd have to reschedule.  That the appointment would have to be either tomorrow morning (not possible) or next Monday morning.  They rescheduled it for next Monday and apologized. 

I had to call my DH, who was just getting off the highway about two miles from the clinic at this point, and tell him to turn around.  He was furious.  And he doesn't get angry.  It's not in his nature.  I mean, I'm not sure I've ever even seen him angry in the six years I've known him.

And then I typed up to this point to try to get rid of the anxiety and adrenaline coursing through my veins so that I could have a useful discussion with my students on how to deal with error and uncertainty in analytical measurements.  (You're jealous, aren't you?)  And then I went to class.

Fast forward an hour later.

He went to the clinic, anyway, to...um...communicate his displeasure.  Knowing him, he did it in the most civil, polite way possible.  But, he tells me, forcefully.  He even said to me "I never get angry.  I never talk to someone in anger.  It felt weird."  He asked to speak to the office manager.  "She's not in."  He asked to speak to someone, anyone, in charge.  (Poor receptionist was shaking her boots -- he kept telling her "I know it's not your fault, but I need to talk to someone.") 

The IVF nurse walks by.

"OK, the hospital has called in the supervisor and she'll run the sample.  Go ahead back to the room!"

(Because, you know when a man is most likely able to "provide a sample?"  When he's shaking with adrenaline and anger!  Yeah, that doesn't add any difficulty to an already difficult situation!)

But, you know what?  What started as a rant against the clinic has turned into a rave.  (I didn't know it was going to when I started typing this post earlier this morning since I only just heard the final conclusion a few minutes ago after I got out of class.) They did what they needed to do to get it done.  They realized they made a mistake and they figured it out.  And, even if they think we're the ones who made the mistake, they were willing to go to bat for us.

(Of course, if my DH had actually turned around and not gone in like they told me to tell him to do this would have been a whole different rant...)

So, yeah, giant sigh of relief.  Thank goodness for nurses who understand and get things done.

And, thank goodness for my wonderful DH who, it turns out, can perform under pressure!  :)

Don't make me laugh while you're poking me in the fafa!

Hi there internets! How on earth has it been more than a week since I last posted? Stupid busy days at work. What's wrong with them? Don't they know that all those classes, labs, reports, grant applications, new lab manuals and student projects just cut into my blogging time?

Anywho...

Thanks to all for the supportive ranting and good wishes! :) We're officially started, now, with IVF#1. Crazy talk, isn't it?

I've been on BCP for about a week, now, and had my mock transfer and SHG Friday. Yeah, I am seriously not a fan of people poking the top of my uterus with pointy tools. Nowhere near as bad as the HSG a few years ago, but still a strong burning discomfort and cramping that just makes me want to jump far away from the doctor. He said that he used to say to people "this won't hurt" but the nurse told him "until you've had something poking in your hoo-ha, you don't get to comment."

Which led to a really bizarre conversation about all the various things that IFers (and Dr. Smiles) call our lady parts. Fafa? That was a new one to me. (It's really hard to laugh when someone has a tube up your fafa, you know.)

Dr. Smiles was happy with the SHG results and I'm always a fan of seeing my internal body parts on a screen. (I'm serious. It's entertaining). No polyps or protrusions or what-have-yous were seen. He rattled off some bizarre code (4+4+beam me up or something along those lines) that the nurse wrote down during the mock transfer as he determined the best place to deposit embryos. He showed me the tubes and said "next time there will be embryos in here."

I kind of felt excited but mostly felt just sort of "uh huh, sure." I can't seem to convince myself that this is actually happening. I've got the list of meds. We've got the consent forms. But, it still seems surreal.

We're on an antagonist protocol. No lupron and a very quick stim cycle. I spent last night reading journal articles about antagonist protocols. I'm feeling good about the protocol though nervous. It seems like it is good for those who tend to get cysts or hyperstimulate. (Rebecca? Party of one?) At the same time it seems targeted at those who are poor responders which seems to make no sense. Anyway, I'm trying to breathe and remember that my doctor knows what he is doing and has read ALL the articles and has determined what he thinks will be best for me. It's so hard since, even with past knowledge of stim cycles and hormone levels, the first IVF cycle is a bit of a guess. I just want so much that this first guess is the right one.

I think I sound kind of down about this but I'm not really. I'm excited. I'm just in a place where I'm trying to find a balance between excitement and caution. As I said before, I know this is the best chance we've ever had. But, I'm very nervous we're going to find out that my eggs aren't great. I mean, at this point, in my uneducated way, I can't seem to come up with any other explanation as to why we haven't been successful in the past. As all doctors and nurses are fond of telling me (or yelling in the hallway to each other) over and over and over again, my DH has super-sperm. Dr. Smiles is convinced I have an awesome uterus and nice tubes. So, egg issues or implantation problems seem to be the only things left.

Then I remember that I'm 36 and I can't think of many of my IF friends over 35 whose first IVF worked. And I freak out a little more.

Ok, once again, I need to remember to breathe. I need to think positively. I'm back using my C+B meditation and exercising. I've been working hard the past two months to lose the eight or so pounds previous treatments, pregnancy and general IF anxiety added in anticipation of possibly gaining them back this cycle...plus about 25 pounds or more if we're lucky. :) I'm trying to stay in a good headspace.

So, back to useful info. My DH has to go down on Monday for a "complete" SA since it's been a while since they've done a full one and they want to make sure that all is well and confirm they won't need to do ICSI based off of his sperm. (Stupid hospital will only accept SA samples before 11 am so he's going to get to experience the crazy drive down at 6 am rush back for class at 10:30 that I've gotten to do for the past two years. Of course, as long as it isn't like the first SA he did way-back-when that our local hospital forgot to analyze and we had to repeat, we'll be fine.)

End of next week or beginning of the next we meet with the embryologist for a chat. We'll also provide a "back up" sperm sample at that time that will be frozen "just in case." I was glad to hear they do that because my DH has been incredibly nervous about the possibility of not being able to provide a sample the day of retrieval. IUI was pressure. This is a lot more pressure.

Last BCP is September 18th. (Holy mackerel, that's eight days!) We both start prophylactic antibiotics at that point. I go in for a scan/bloodwork on day 2 or 3 after AF starts. Assuming all is quiet, stims start then as do every third day or so scans/bloodwork. We're aiming at about six days of stims before starting Ganirelix with another four or five days of stims after that. ER is anticipated to be about October 4th-ish.

Eep!

That's less than a month away?! Yowsa.

I am excited. I really am. I've let myself imagine this working. I'm picturing being pregnant for the rest of the school year. I imagine the possibility of applying for family leave in the fall even if the baby is due in the summer.

And, I try to remember to breathe.

Lightning doesn't strike twice

Well, no luck. It's time to move on.

I'm waiting for the call back from the IVF coordinator to get meds ordered and figure out our schedule. If all goes as planned, ER is scheduled for the first week of October. Just a month away.

And, just in time for our third anniversary -- both of TTC and our marriage on October 11th.

I'm not sure of the specific protocol, yet. But, I'm anxiously awaiting it.

I'm alternating between excitement, nervousness, antipathy and apathy. I'm trying to stay on the excited side while tempering my excitement with reality. This is, by far, the best chance we've ever had but it is still only a chance and not even a 50/50 one.  I'm a general pessimist and a believer in "I'd rather be happily surprised than disappointed."  But, at the same time, I can't see letting myself risk so much money and so much emotional energy without feeling positive about our chances.  So, I'm going to go with "cautiously optimistic" about it.

Breathe in, breathe out.  Remember that it's OK to ask for help covering classes or labs while you travel for scans and bloodwork.  Remember that it's OK to take a few days off for retrieval and after transfer.  Remember that people will actually want to help you if you tell them what's going on.

When I told my DH last night that I knew today would be CD1, I said "tomorrow I will be calling the nurse.  That will mean we're committed."  He got nervous.  I knew he would.  We talked about our limits.  He would like to do one fresh transfer and as many FETs as we're lucky enough to be able to and then call it quits if it doesn't work.  I don't want to limit ourselves to the one fresh transfer but want to be able to consider doing a second.  We agreed on a monetary limit and willingness to discuss it if this doesn't work.  And, if this local IVF doesn't work, I think he wants to consider doing one overseas next summer.  An interesting idea.

I bought him "How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup" at a Borders that was going out of business a few weeks ago and he's been reading up on everything a little most evenings.  It's been nice to feel like he's participating, finally.  He's listened before and done a little research on his own, but I think it helped him to read a "guy's" perspective.  The first night he came in and woke me up to read me the introduction where the guy was describing his wife and was essentially describing me.  I don't think he completely "got it" before that my reaction to all of this is a normal female reaction.

Last night, though, he was so "bleh" about the whole thing that I finally had to ask "if it wasn't for the money, would you want to do this?"  He immediately said "yes, it makes sense, it's what we need to do.  It's a medical treatment for a medical problem."  I think that makes me feel better (although more annoyed that our insurance doesn't cover anything related to infertility).  The monetary risk sucks.  It makes both of us upset.  We're "savers" and not risk takers and this seems like the ultimate risk. But, the process makes sense to both of us.

I'm going to scream one more time about how much the money sucks and then I'm going to move on.  I can't keep worrying every time I write a check or give my credit card number.  That isn't productive.  We've set the money aside.  We've committed to spending it.  It's time to move on.


Ready?  Here goes:

AAARRRRRRRGHGHGHGHHGHGHGH!!!  I hate how much this costs!!!  This sucks this sucks this sucks!!!  Why won't my damn insurance pay for any of it?!!!!  The first time I've ever had anything "wrong" with me and the money I and my employer have been paying all these years for insurance just doesn't even matter!  It's so fucking unfair!!!  Why does the money make my husband so worried that it makes me not want to do it?  Why can't we both just accept it and move on?!  GRARARARARRARARAR!!  BBBBBLLLLLLLAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! 

OK, now that I've got that out of my system, I'm ready to move forward.

Breathe in, breathe out.  This is the best chance we've ever had.  This could work.  This could be it.  Think good thoughts.  Think positive thoughts.  

ETA:  BCPs start Saturday.  Mock transfer Friday the 9th.  Breathe, Rebecca, breathe.