Counseling and "Infertility Feels Like"

I had my first appointment with the counselor yesterday and I think it went pretty well.  First meetings are always sort of awkward, but I did feel like she understood where I was coming from, so that was good. We'll see how it goes as we move forward.

I honestly feel like I should have more to say about this -- I've been opening this post up all day, staring at it for a while, and then closing it.  But, I don't right now.

In case you haven't seen it, I thought I'd share a link to a brochure that I've seen mentioned on a couple of IF forums (fora?) and blogs.  I found this to be incredibly moving. I don't think I have the nerve to start passing it out to friends, yet, though.  I think I'll bring it to the counselor the next time I see her.

"Infertility Feels Like"

Happy Wednesday.

Tag, I'm it!

Thanks to Irrational Exuberance for tagging me! :)

1) What's the best dish you can cook?
I make a really good veggie lasagna and a yummy fake-chicken pot pie.  Now I'm hungry.

2) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?
I had a letter to the editor published once about how the Atlanta paper represented Judaism.  (They had consistently been making MAJOR errors for the past several weeks and, while I appreciated the effort at mentioning Judaism, it was getting really frustrating that they didn't seem to have ANYONE who fact-checked.)  I feel like there was some other time I was just *in* the paper, but I can't remember what it was.

3) What's the worst/ most memorable job you have had?
I worked for my parents' company throughout high school and during college breaks, so I don't have a lot of typical "fun with retail or fast-food" experiences.  Then I worked for the school paper as the ad designer and worked as a TA/stockroom manager in college.  Once I hit grad school I started teaching and haven't stopped since.  I think my most boring job would be in grad school editing HTML code for websites my parents company was putting together that were linked with news videos and business textbooks.  It was generally pretty tedious.  Well, except for the one time that my mother thought she was linking to a business site about Hustler magazine (the CNN show had been about the business of men's magazines) and was actually setting up a link to the Hustler website!  I had to call my mother and say "uh, mom, is that really what you want?"  Too funny.

4) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision getting married?
I honestly don't know.  I definitely didn't think I'd get married young, though.  So, maybe late 20s early 30s.  (I got married at 33.)  Actually, I think for a long time I was pretty convinced I'd never get married. 

5) What's your most hated household chore? What's your favorite?
This is a tough one because I hate most household chores.  The one I put off the longest is cleaning the bathroom, I think.  It's not gross in there or anything, I just hate dealing with it.  If I don't keep myself on a schedule for doing it, then I'll put it off for way too long...

My favorite is doing laundry.  Love it.  And, especially love hanging clothes on the line to dry.  It's a lovely zen moment for me.  Warm sun, cool damp clothes, lovely smell, lovely breeze, quiet neighborhood, birds chirping.  Sigh... 

6) What's your earliest memory?
I seem to remember things that I don't think I should be able to remember.  Oddly, they both relate to Sid and Marty Krofft.  I remember going to the amusement park they built in the Omni in Atlanta (the space is now part of the CNN tour) called The World of Sid and Marty Krofft.  According to all reports, the OLDEST I could have been was about 2 and a half.  (So, maybe my brain is making this up.)  But, I have a fleeting memory of going up the really long elevator and seeing brightly colored rides as we got off.  The other memory is of rushing home to watch Sid and Marty Krofft shows (The Bugaloos, H.R. Puf'n'stuff, Sigmund and the Sea Monster, etc.) and being SO excited to see when the show of the day was the Bugaloos (seriously, click on that and watch the video)-- they were British teenagers who played in a band and had a mortal enemy in Martha Raye (who I was terrified of for the rest of my childhood).  Oh, and they were bugs.  (Sid and Marty Krofft are nuts.)  I remember being in my mother and father's house watching it on TV.  From what I can gather of when it was re-broadcast in Atlanta on TBS (which was a local station for Atlanta at that time), I must have been about 3. 

I think the fact that Sid and Marty Krofft are my earliest memories may explain a lot about me...

(I like these earliest memories better than my other two earliest memories which are of my grandfather dying and my parents sitting me down to tell me they were getting divorced when I was four.)

I'm not sure who has been tagged and who hasn't for this.   But, here are the people I'm tagging:

b35 at The Journey to Our Three Little Kilos
MBC at Missing Baby Carriage
Danielle at Barricades and Brickwalls

Proof that FF can make you nuts

(I will get back to answering your questions from before because it really was fun.  Apparently I went from having nothing to say to having lots to say.  The end of an old cycle/beginning of a new one will do that to you.  Also, I am definitely looking for opportunities to talk back to my little fertile colleague.  Possibly in a not particularly nice way...☺)

Please feel free to shake your head and roll your eyes at the following post. 

I had 10 cycles before I started taking fertility meds of some sort or another, a total of 20 before I conceived and 3 since I miscarried (including the one immediately after, which was actually a pretty normal one for me).  I'm avoiding work at the moment (because I'm crampy and tired and AF is pissing me off), so I started looking over my old cycles on Fertility Friend.  Here's what I've learned.  (Warning, this is what happens when a "data" person has too much data on her hands and she really wants it all to mean something.  I spend a lot of grading ink trying to force my chemistry majors to analyze their results instead of just listing data.)

• In the first 10 cycles, my LP was, most often, 12 days long with a couple of 11 and 13 day cycles.  Since my first medicated cycle, all but 2 have had at least a 13 day LP (one was 15). Whether it was a medicated cycle or not.  (It's possible that someone performed a statistical analysis on these data and that the difference was significant.)
• For the 19 cycles leading up to my BFP cycle, I spotted at least one day before AF showed up and, sometimes, two to four days before AF arrived.  In the three cycles since the miscarriage, I haven't had any pre-AF spotting.
• Before my miscarriage, I had very sore breasts post-O. Most cycles it started within a few days after I ovulated.  Some cycles it only started three days before AF arrived.  But, my breasts were always sore at some point.  And, this is something that has been true about me since puberty.  At least a week out of every month since I was 12 I've had to hold my chest when going up and down stairs to keep it from hurting.  When I was pregnant, my breasts were astoundingly sore up until the day after I started bleeding.  Since my miscarriage, my breasts haven't hurt a single day during any of my cycles. It's almost like my body said "OH, that's what 'pregnant' actually feels like.  We weren't there before, we'll stop doing that, now."

Does it mean anything?  Probably not.  Should I stop looking at FF?  Probably should.  Can't help myself, though.  Should someone take away my thermometer?  Don't even THINK about it!  

It seems like it is probably a good thing that I've started having a slightly longer LP.   It also seems good to not spot pre-AF, anymore.  The breast thing confuses me, though. Is that a sign of lower progesterone? 

So, do you know what it all really means?  That I should step away from the computer!!!  This is the problem with "going natural" for a while.  I have so little to obsess about that I have to invent something.


Anyway, I guess my actual point here is to ask those of you who have had a m/c: did your cycle change after your m/c?  If so, did it go back to normal?

"I don't know if you've ever thought about it..."

I work with a fertile holier-than-thou little know-it-all.  She's good at her job and is perfectly nice in general, but her comments can make my blood boil in an instant.  I've talked about her on here before (see Stupid b****) when I dared say I was feeling tired and she immediately said "What do you have to feel tired about?  You don't have a teething 18 month-old at home."  That was the first week or two she was working for us. (Please note I say "for" as I'm actually one of her supervisors.)  Since then, I've had to listen to her go on and on and on and on and on about her toddler and her kindergartner every single time I see her.  She's one of these women who seem to think that giving birth has made her superior to everyone around her in all ways. (I guess it could be worse, she could complain about her kids.)

Yesterday we were in a meeting and she turns to me and starts a sentence with "I don't know if you've ever thought about having kids..."

Seriously?  "I don't know if you've ever thought about having kids."  I would have started laughing if it hadn't immediately made me so angry that I think I turned deep red.  I've essentially been thinking about nothing else but having kids for two years. (Or more if you count the year or two before we started trying when we were "planning" when we'd have kids.  Joke's on us.)

I mean, you can't blame her.  It does seem pretty likely that a 35 year-old woman who has been married a couple of years would never have thought about having kids before.  The thought just never crossed my mind.  But, now that I think about it, what's wrong with me?!  That's what I've been forgetting all this time.  I should think about having kids.  I'd better hop to it.  Maybe if I think hard enough they'll appear...

***Thinking***

Do you see them?  Are they there?  Because, from what I've heard, all you have to do is *think* about them and they show up! 


It's not a matter of timing.  It's not even a matter of relaxing.  It's a matter of thinking.

Maybe if we all think about it together.  C'mon ladies!  Help me out here.  Think with me!!

***Thinking***

***Thinking***

***Thinking***

Hmm.  AF just showed up.


What the hell were you people thinking out there?!

Finally found some help

I have finally managed to set up an appointment with a counselor.  (See previous posts "Hitting a bad spot" and "My RE's office doesn't seem to get it" for the background to this.)  I feel a tremendous sense of relief just having an appointment scheduled. 

I originally tried one woman in the town I go to for my RE who had "IF" as one of her areas of expertise on my insurance.  At first she said she had nothing but might in the next week. She called back after a week and offered me a few times but I soon found out that she only sees patients between 9 am and 3 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and those times weren't going to work for me.  The office is 90 minutes away and, as a college teacher, my schedule is very specific.  When it is "open" it is very flexible but when it is "closed" it is non-negotiable.  I was in tears getting off the phone with her.  I felt like I'd finally found someone to talk to and then it was gone again.  She gave me a few options in her town of people she thought might be OK but I just felt really defeated.

I started searching again and found a LCSW who is actually located in my tiny town who has IF listed as one of her areas of expertise!  I don't know how I missed her before.  When I called her office (about 1 1/2 weeks ago), her receptionist said she would probably not have anything for a while but then asked me to tell her a little more about what was going on.  I almost immediately started crying as I described the past two years.  I tried to stay matter-of-fact and just tell her the specifics, but I couldn't.  She said "I'm right there with you, sweetie" and I just felt that, if the secretary understands (and, it sounds like, has been through it) then she knows that the counselor does, too.  She asked me specifics about treatments (she actually knew what to ask about!).  She asked me if it was a treatment cycle we got pregnant on and I told her about our post-IUI/pre-IVF "surprise."  She asked me how far along I was when I miscarried.  She asked me how long ago the miscarriage was.  She asked me what we were doing, now.  She was obviously taking notes to give the counselor. When we finished she said, in the most caring, calming voice "I can't guarantee anything, but given the situation, hopefully we can get you in sooner."  I thanked her and, hanging up, I felt sad and relieved at the same time.

Yesterday she called and let me know the counselor was available.  I have an appointment for next Tuesday. 

I really do feel a sense of relief just knowing that I have an appointment scheduled to talk to someone.  I've never met with a LCSW before.  When I've worked with therapists in the past they've been psychologists or psychiatrists.  I'm not sure of what the distinctions are, really.  Any thoughts out there?  (This question is to all of you but also kind of specifically directed at Jess...  ☺ )

ICLW already?

We interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcast of "Rebecca answers questions" to welcome you to ICLW!  I have no idea how it is already time for this.  I'm not sure how a month has gone by since last time when a new semester was starting.  Now, I'm about to give my first exams for each of my classes and waiting for AF to rear her ugly head (due Thursday).  If you've been following for a while, you may recall that I somehow manage to always give exams during AF.  I thought I was going to be "off" by a week this semester but then O was delayed this cycle and it all lined back up again.  There are only four exams a semester for each class and they seem to be in perfect alignment with my cycle.  It's fun for the most stressful parts of your job to coincide with the most stressful, hormonal, emotional parts of your life, isn't it?

Anyway, for anyone who is new, welcome!  My IF history is over to the right.  If you want to know more about me, scroll down a bit.  I've been answering questions the past few days and have been really enjoying it.  (Who doesn't love the opportunity to talk on endlessly about themselves?)  If you want to add another question, feel free to do so!  Soon I think I'll start asking you all questions.

OK, off to work and more later.  I just woke up this morning, realized it was ICLW and wanted to say "hi!"

We've got more answers...

Here is part 2 of "Rebecca answers questions!"  Enjoy! :)

Katie said...

If you could pick one famous person (dead or alive) to meet, who would you pick?  Ooh, that's tough.  Do I go with the drool-worthy (Cary Elwes but only if it was shortly after he was Westley in The Princess Bride), the historical (Martin Luther King would be pretty cool), the scientific (at the moment I'm fascinated by the scientists who developed atomic theory in the late 18th/early 19th centuries (Hi, I'm Rebecca and I'm a geek)), the 80s pop culture (Cyndi Lauper!)?  Actually, I think I'm going to go with one of my favorite authors -- Octavia Butler.  She was a female African-American science fiction writer -- not a very common thing!  Her stories are incredible.  Hard to even describe. Not like standard sci-fi.  She died about 4 years ago (at only 58) and I was SO devastated!  The thought that what I had now from her was it and there would be no more!!  Oh, it still makes me sad.  I re-read her stuff a lot and, every time, I get depressed that she won't be writing anything else.  I would absolutely love to meet her.

Lauren said...

What do you teach, and how did you come to be a teacher?  I teach college chemistry.  My mother would say that I didn't have much choice other than to be a teacher.  Both my mother and step-father were teachers (they now have an educational consulting firm).  I always thought I wanted to go into scientific research.  I didn't know if I wanted to go to grad school or medical school, but I figured I'd be doing "science."  When I was an undergrad, I started tutoring my sophomore year and TAing my junior year.  From that point on, I realized I wanted to teach.  I loved explaining things to students.  I think I was trying to "rebel" before then but my mother always says that she's known I would be a teacher.  I think I've always been one of those people who love gathering new knowledge and then sharing it with other people.  That can be a somewhat annoying trait in a kid.  But, as a grown up, I get paid for it!! ☺  So, now I work at a school where I focus on teaching but also have a research program (environmental, now, not medical) with undergrads on the side. 

Ana said...

Do you like bananas? haha. It has been a long day. Why, yes, I do!  Hated them as a kid but love them, now.  The best banana I ever had was in Costa Rica.  OMG.  It's hard to describe how delicious it was.  It almost actually tasted like the fake banana flavoring they put in things that tastes nothing like real bananas.  Oh, dear, now I'm drooling... 

erika said...

What is your favorite day of the year?  Hmmm....I've been trying to think of an actual "date" but I think "fall" is what keeps coming to me. So, I'm going to say the first day when the crisp bite is in the air in the evening and you can put on a cozy sweatshirt and sleep snuggled up in your blankets with the windows open and a cool breeze.  

erika said...

What makes somebody your best friend?  Wow, what an interesting question!  I think a best friend is the person to whom you can't wait to tell things.  The one who knows everything about you and loves even the ridiculous parts. The one who will tell you when you're being an idiot or overly dramatic about something.  The one who you know everything about.  The one who knows you better than you know yourself.  The one who you think of when you see something they'd like at the store, at a restaurant, in the park, on TV, in the movies.  The one who will drop everything to be there for you (physically and emotionally).  The one who laughs with you and cries with you.  The one who never judges you.  The one who you can see, call, stop by, etc. at any time and who you're always excited to hear from or just see sitting out on your front stoop.  Thank you for this question.  I've loved thinking about it -- it's made me realize just how wonderful it is to have someone like that in my life (my DH is truly my best friend) and who that has been at different stages of my life (it's made me wistful for some of them).  But, it also makes me think about how there are so many people who are like this to me in one way or another -- including some I've never really "met."  And, I'm truly blessed to have that.  (Seriously, I'm crying now.)

erika said...

What are you most proud of in your life?  I think my ability to overcome years of anxiety and self-doubt to become a confident person, move across the country on my own and find a life for myself.  I was always a very anxious, nervous, socially awkward person.  Moving five states away and starting by myself was a huge deal but, by the time I did it, it felt right.  I didn't even think about it being a scary thing to do. When I look back at it now, though, I'm amazed at myself.  I was always so shy and so anxious about interacting with people.  I honestly don't know when it was that I became a confident woman who could interact with strangers and friends alike.  (I used to walk around campus when I was in grad school repeating to myself "I'm a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman" trying to convince myself it was true.)  I got my Ph.D., I traveled the country on interviews where, apparently I came across as very confident and qualified.  I had a large number of job offers and I took the one that put me far away from home but was the best for me professionally.  I've been here more than 8 years, now, and it was the best decision I ever made.  I love my school (except when I hate it...) and, without it, I would have never met my DH.  I think how different my life would be not living in a tiny town in Missouri and I can't even imagine it.  Knowing that I could do that gives me hope that I can make it through IF and come out on the other side happy.

OK, I'm going to pause again and continue tomorrow.  Also, I stepped on a yellow jacket this morning and my toe is throbbing and the Benadryl I took for it is making me woozy.  My DH has been trying to eradicate a nest in our wall for a couple of weeks and I seem to be the one who keeps getting stung, not him.  I've decided that it is for one of two reasons:  a) the yellow jackets are mad at me for not rooting strongly enough for Georgia Tech or b) they're a type of wasp and they won't attack him because he's also a WASP.  ;)  (Sorry, told you about the Benadryl, right?)

You've got questions...we've got answers

Ooh, this is fun!  :)  Thank you all for your questions!!  I think I'll have to break this into parts.

Here's Part I:

Michelle said...

Whats your favorite physical thing about yourself?  I'm in a "bad body image" place at the moment, so this one is actually hard to answer.  I think, though, that it has always been my physical flexibility.  Recently I'm definitely starting to feel my age, though, and realizing that I actually have to do something to keep it going.

 

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

What did you want to be when you grew up? I have distinct memories of being about 10 or so and saying that I wanted to be a scientist and, on the side, a dancer.  I danced from the time I was 4 until I was about 20 and I think that I somehow understood even then that it wasn't the easiest "career" to have.  I figured I'd be a scientist (because I have always loved science) and be part of a performing group on the side.  Well, I am a scientist, but the dancing fell by the wayside.     When you have a baby do you want a boy or girl? why? I know you really just want a healthy baby but play along!  To be honest, I've always pictured myself with a little girl.  I think that was mostly because my mother and I have such a wonderful relationship that I want that with a daughter. And, my family is just very matriarchal with strong women.  But, then I see the horrible, painful relationships that some of my friends have with their mothers and I'm terrified that might happen to me and then I think "boy, please!!!"  (And, yes, truly I really just want one of anything!)

Kakunaa said...

If you could fly anywhere right now, where would you go?  Hmm.... I've always wanted to go to Australia so I'd have to vote for Australia if we're looking at going on a fantasy trip. But, in reality, I think I'd like to go home to Atlanta for this weekend to go to Yom Kippur services with my family.

Mel. said...

What was your favorite vacation ever?  When I finished grad school, I took an entire month off and flew to Japan to visit my friend from college (whose name is actually Mel...) who had been living there for 4 years teaching English.  We went all over Japan and did touristy things and then we went to Guam for a week to visit our friend from college.  It was the most incredible time.  It was wonderful to be in Japan with someone who knew the area and spoke the language.  We went to a Buddhist retreat in the mountains, we went shopping in the crazy stores (man, there are some crazy stores), we ate weird food and amazing food (and she's a vegetarian, too, so could tell me what I could and couldn't eat).  It was over Christmas and New Year's so we got to see all sorts of incredible displays and New Year's festivities -- the Japanese stores celebrate Christmas as a giant secular "dating" holiday and New Year's is a family religious event.  Everything was so incredible.  And, sometimes we just sat around her apartment and watched crazy television and ate the weird Japanese and non-Japanese things we bought at the combini (convenience store).  (If anyone can find me a source for curry flavored Pringles I'll be forever grateful.)  The trip to Guam was incredible, too.  Such a beautiful place.  Anyway, definitely my favorite vacation.

AL said...

hmmm...what were you like in high school?  Oh, dear, I was such a geek.  Well, actually I was just very shy.  It took me a while to find friends and feel comfortable around them and I was very quiet. I didn't really have enemies, but I definitely wasn't popular.  I think people thought I was nice but not particularly memorable.  I looked like a dork in clothes that were never quite "right" and were usually too big (it was the 80s), huge glasses and giant, curly hair.  I was one of the "smart" kids in a public school where that was actually OK.  I studied a lot and I danced or ran for 2 hours or more a day about 5 or 6 days a week so I was a skinny little nothing (but on the taller side and with big boobs...)  But, I think I really just was too uncertain about myself and uncomfortable in my skin to interact with anyone.  I did have a few close friends but I wish I had opened myself up more (I wonder how different I would have been if opportunities to know people on-line existed then?).  I had always been a bit uncomfortable with who I was -- I was younger than everyone in my class by a year or two (I started kindergarten at 4 and skipped first grade) and that made a big impact on how I interacted when I was in elementary school.  By the time I was in high school it really didn't matter anymore and most people didn't even know I was younger, but I think it was already a big issue in how I felt about myself.  College brought me out of that a little bit but it really wasn't until I graduated from college that I really became comfortable with who I am.  (OK, I didn't realize this answer was going to be so "deep" when I started it...)

PCOSChick said...

What did you want to be when you grew up?  See above! :)

Lindsay said...

whats your distraction/hobby?  My distraction is definitely TV.  I wish I could say something cooler than that, but it's true!  I tend to have it on in the background whenever I'm doing other things that are monotonous because it distracts me!  My main hobby is knitting.  There is something meditative about it.  And, I just love the feeling of the yarn and watching fabric form.  I've been on a lace knitting kick for a while.  I love following the pattern and seeing actual structure develop.  The more complicated the pattern the better. I get too bored with simple back and forth knitting!  (Well, of course, then there's blogging and reading blogs...)

OK, I'm going to pause here and answer more tomorrow!  :)  Thanks for the questions.  This is fun!

Ask me anything

OK, so, since I'm bored and boring and don't have anything too interesting to blog about right now (wow, it's the two week wait... ho hum...) I thought I'd add myself to the "what do you want to know" trend.

So, ask me anything!  What do you want to know about me?  Hopefully my answers will be vaguely interesting...

(And, hopefully I'm interesting enough that you actually have questions for me!)

OK, that was funny...

Thanks to those who got me laughing by pointing out that a post titled with a scream under a blog titled "Trying Not to Scream" was kinda funny.  ☺  Truly didn't do that on purpose.  But, yeah, you can see where the title for the blog came from, now, can't you?  I feel like half of my life I'm trying to hold in that giant AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH of frustration!!!  (OK, now I can't stop thinking about "Castle AAaaaaaaa..."  Name that movie!!)

Feeling better so far today.  Reminding myself that I actually do like what I do for a living and that the people I deal with aren't trying to be annoying.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

OMG, I am just in such a pissy mood!!!  I have no idea where this is coming from, but I just feel like biting everyone's head off.  I've been yelling at people who didn't deserve it (because the people who did deserve it weren't around).  I've had to bite my tongue to keep from making smarmy comments (and, admittedly, I don't think I've bitten it hard enough...) Yes, people are doing things that are making me nuts. But, seriously, I don't know why I'm SO angry at all of them about it. 

Usually when I get into this kind of mood it is either just before O, just before AF or during AF and is a hormonal thing.  Well, I'm 4DPO at the moment, so there's no blaming hormones.  I'm just a bitch today.

Stay out of my way or risk the Wrath of Rebecca!!!!

Phew, thank you, I needed to let that out.

TTC isn't good for my bladder

(and not in the way that you think...)

So, does anyone else have this problem? I get so used to "holding it" in the afternoons mid-cycle to build up a supply to test with an OPK that, after I've O'd, I have to keep reminding myself that it is OK to pee whenever I need to go. And then I feel like I'm wasting all that perfectly good testable pee. It could have LH! Or, even more wishful thinking, it could have HCG! How could I be letting it just go down the drain without peeing on SOMETHING?

Anyone? Just me? Okey doke.

Getting lapped

My department secretary is on the phone in the office next to me gushing about how her daughter is pregnant again.  About the fact that she started trying in July and is due in March or April (meaning that it happened on the first try).  Which serves to remind me that her daughter's first child was born approximately 9 months after I started trying.  And that she "timed" when she would have the kid so it would be after the semester ended -- implying that it happened on the first "try" then, too.

Getting lapped really sucks.  Especially by someone ultra-fertile. Who is 10 years younger than you.  Who has a gossipy mother who talks on the phone really loudly all the damn time to everyone she knows about everyone in her family.  Who likes to tell me that "your mother really wants grandchildren so why are you not doing anything about that?"

On the plus side -- I think I ovulated.  I'm normally a pretty regular CD14-15 O'er, but it was delayed to about CD18 this month.  Which was stressing us both out.  But, we BD'd our little hearts out.  My DH is pretty funny about it -- he seems really stressed that we may not be BD'ing enough and hitting O (which isn't a problem).  I think, at this point, he sees it all as a science experiment and wants to make sure we cover all our bases.  In a way, it makes me happy that he is so focused on it.  But, it also makes me sad that we've come to a time where "sex" is a thing of the past and "BD'ing" is pretty much all that we focus on.

Anywho... it's Friday.  I'm glad.

And, it's the second day of Rosh Hashanah -- which I almost totally forgot about because it came so early this year.  For anyone out there who celebrates -- L'Shana Tova!  Here's to an incredible New Year with happy and sweet days for all of us.

Still on the hunt

Thank you all so much, again.  And, thank you for your recommendations on finding therapists.  I'm following through on as many of them as I can.  Resolve doesn't have anyone listed in Missouri or anywhere else that seems even vaguely nearby.  But, I'm starting to e-mail random IF therapists to see if they happen to know someone closer to me.  I called the ones listed on my insurance as having experience in IF.  One doesn't seem to exist anymore (she may be the one that everyone else keeps saying "just left") and one is overbooked and says she doesn't have a lot of experience with IF.  I'm on her waiting list.  The third one seems to actually specialize in forensic psychology and doesn't have a lot of experience with IF.

I never thought finding help would be this difficult. I thought reaching out for it would be the hard part.  Sometimes I really HATE living in the middle of nowhere.

And, how frustrating is it that so many of us have dealt with RE's who seem to abandon us after the first consultation???

I think my next step is to call the other fertility clinic in the town I travel to for treatments and see if they have recommendations.  I also might try to set up an appointment with them.  I told my DH we would try 3 months on our own (and this is only month two), but I figure that getting an appointment for a second opinion wouldn't hurt.  Besides, who knows how long it might take to get an appointment.

My DH and I spent the long weekend with friends of his from college who have a house on a lake in northern Minnesota.  We had a wonderful time.  I really needed to get away a bit.  And, it was so beautiful with fall-like weather.  I love cool, crisp, fall air.  Watching the stars on Saturday night while sitting around the fire with good friends and their sweet children was just perfect.  Paddling around on the kayak and chatting with the loons just made my day. (I kept thinking about Oak and hoping the loons were protected from the eagles!!)

My DH is friends with all of the siblings in this family (there are 5 of them) and is closest with one sister who got married the year before we did.  She and her husband also don't have kids.  I don't know if they have been trying or not.  We never have talked about it.  My guess is that they're either trying now or they don't plan on trying (she's about 40 or so).  We stayed with them in Minneapolis on the way up and down and drove up with them.  I feel like it is something that keeps hanging over all of our heads when we're together.  She's the only one of her siblings without at least two kids and I'm sure her mother has put pressure on her (she's a lovely lady but definitely would push about it).  I find myself afraid to bring it up with them and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I'm afraid that I'll get pregnant and she'll feel bad or if I'm afraid she'll get pregnant and I'll feel bad.  Or, if I'll bring it up and they have never planned on kids and then we'll all feel a little awkward.

I suck at sharing

Coming back home was tough -- all my stress rushed back.  I wish I could figure out how to keep the benefits of a vacation after the vacation was over!!!

My RE's office doesn't seem to "get it"

First of all -- thank you so much to all of you.  I can't tell you how much it means to me to know I'm not alone and to feel your support.  I'm holding on at the moment.  I'm still waiting to get a referral from my RE's office.  They finally called back Tuesday afternoon only to ask me why I called in the morning (when I'd left a specific message with the receptionist).  The nurse (a new one I'd never met) said that the person they used to refer to has moved, so she's going to get back to me.  And then...a resounding silence. Nothing the rest of Tuesday.  Nothing Wednesday. Still nothing today.  You would think that they would realize that when someone has reached out for help emotionally it probably took a lot of effort and they may actually need some help.  You know, sometime in the near future?  I'll call again shortly.  Maybe if I actually burst into tears while I'm on the phone that will help.  Probably not.

Honestly, I think this may be the last straw with my RE's office.  I really don't think they take me or my case seriously.  There's the whole "see you in six months" phone message from the nurse.  The back-and-forth decisions my RE has made -- "if you do IVF, you don't need a lap, a hysterscopy will do"...three months later "if you don't get the lap, I'm not willing to do IVF."  Then "your FSH level of 12 is a concern but no big deal (after I forced her to test it), you should just try on your own after the hysteroscopy"...three months and three IUIs later after I asked if the six Femara-IUIs she keeps insisting on were really necessary before moving on and that I was worried about what my higher FSH level mean "I'm concerned about that, too, that's why I want to be aggressive."  Really?  Telling me that you go with the slowest steps and try everything six times is aggressive? Then, after one more cycle and the natural BFP and the m/c "yeah, I'm sure everything is fine, just try on your own."

The office was great during the m/c.  But they really have done nothing to allay my fears that there is something wrong that caused it and not just bad luck.  I know it is most likely nothing big.  I'm 35, these things are more likely to happen.  But, I'd really like to at least be offered the chance to look into it.  It would be one thing if it was easy for me to get pregnant or if I was younger.  But, I'm picturing trying for another 20 months and having a similar loss and then being told "oh, yeah, all you needed was baby aspirin but, oops, now you're 37 and your FSH is through the roof -- oops, sorry!"  I feel like they haven't really been paying attention.  Is it too much to ask that you look at my file before you talk to me on the phone? 

Oh, and I don't think I've mentioned this but I haven't actually spoken to or seen my RE since April 2nd after AF showed up after my fourth IUI. And, the only reason I spoke to her then is because I kept calling in a panicked state about the timing for my next cycle and the nurses finally let me through.  And, I think that may have been the sixth time I'd ever spoken to or seen her in 10 months or so or treatments -- including the two IUIs she performed.  I never saw her or spoke to her when I found out I was pregnant at the end of April. Apparently my nurses were talking to her because they relayed that she was "concerned" about my second beta and wanted a third.  I heard through the nurses that everything was fine with the u/s at 7 weeks (although I'm sure, now, she'd say that she was "concerned" since that's what she does after the fact).  I never saw her or heard from her during or after the m/c.  She was away so I dealt with a different RE (who was wonderful through all of it).  And, afterward, I just got relayed info from the nurses that she wanted to check my beta levels until they were negative and didn't want to test anything else.  And then, of course, see you in 6 months.

And, I do understand that doctors are busy and I'm one of hundreds of patients and that's what the nurses are for.  But, I would also like to think that she cared a little more about what was happening with me and would at least reach out and say "I'm sorry you lost your baby" or something.

So, yeah, this lack of concern about my mental health really doesn't surprise me. But, hey, it's getting me back to anger instead of depression which, oddly, feels better.

Meanwhile, I took Alex's recommendation and have found a few options of people on my insurance website who have IF listed as one of their specialties (thanks, Alex!).  So, I will start calling them soon if I don't hear back from my RE's office.

(Sorry for the atrocious grammar and loads o' parentheses in this post.  My brain is a little on the scattered side today.)

ETA:  I just got off the phone with the receptionist.  "Oh, yeah, I talked to the doctor and she said she didn't know anyone, I guess I didn't know we were supposed to call you back.  Let me look up a phone number for an adult psychologist in town -- here's the number for the one I just found on-line.  I don't know anything about them."  REALLY?  Do you people seriously have NO IDEA of the mental strain that comes along with IF?  REALLY?  This can't be the first time anyone has ever asked you this question.  Wow.  You people suck.