Wow, look at that forest

You know the saying, "Can't see the forest for the trees?" In my life, I tend to personify this.  I get so obsessed with the details that I forget the big picture. 

With IF, most days, I'm intensely focused on this cycle or this wait to ovulate or this 2WW or this birth control pill.  I can't think of the big picture.  I can't see how long it's been or where we're going next or what will our lives be like if it never happens for us.  I know that, chronologically speaking, we've been trying for nearly 2 1/2 years.  But, if you asked me how long it feels, most days I'd say at the most a year has gone by.  Infertility has made me so introspective that I truly haven't noticed what else is going on outside of my head or body.

And, usually, that lack of a "big picture" is a good thing with IF.  Because, every so often, infertility whaps me upside the head and I look up.  I don't know what triggers it -- a rash of BFPs?  A sudden realization that, of our original "longtimers club" there are only about three of us left who aren't currently pregnant or have babies?  (I feel bad even writing that because I am happy for you guys, but sad for those of us still left behind.) A series of messages from my mother about her pregnant niece-in-law and her 2-year-old and taking them out because "she's due next week and needs a break"?

(Oh, and the niece-in-law had the baby yesterday and I've gotten multiple e-mails from the father with pictures and bris announcements (no name, yet, as they're waiting for the bris, so I'm sure I'll get more e-mails then) sent to every single person in the father's address book.  Kind of obnoxious if you ask me.  I can't imagine that everyone I've ever communicated with in my life and work needs to know the moment I give birth to ***cue angels singing*** a son.  (They didn't send out all these messages when their daughter was born two years ago. I mean, obviously not the bris...)  Isn't that what they make FB for?  I've decided to pretend that my spam filter wouldn't let me see a message sent to 254 people.  (Seriously 254 people.)  Oh, and also?  My pregdar is right on target -- I guessed that the niece-in-law was 7 or 8 months pregnant when I saw her in December when my mother hadn't told me she was pregnant.  I'm sure I'll be getting more "oohs and ahhs" about it all from my mother soon.  Yippee.)

(But, I digress...)

(I have a cold, my brain isn't working in a particularly linear manner right now...)

(Yeah, what's my excuse when I'm not sick?)

(Where was I?  Oh, yeah, missing the forest.)

Suddenly, I look up.  I look back over what I've written for the past year or so.  I look back at conversations we had on iVillage.  I become overwhelmingly jealous of my friends who have moved on.  I think about all of the events that have happened since we started trying.  I think about all the things I've missed because I've been so focused on my insides.  I think about all the people whose friendships I've let wane.  I think about all the rude things I've said and thought over the past few years and the person I've become who seems to no longer be able to care for the feelings of those around her and can only feel genuinely happy for people who she knows have struggled to get where they are and not those who (at least seem to) have gotten there easily.

I look beyond finishing this pack of BCP and think about how many tries we have left in us.  I think about the "FUTURE" -- what will my life be like if we never have kids?  What will fill my time?  Who will I be?  I realize that we really have been at this for a while -- I've lost perspective thinking this hasn't taken so long for us when I look at couples who have been trying so much longer. I realize that, at 36, I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be by now.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's just that these past few days it's all felt a little overwhelming.  The forest is frickin' dark and scary and HUGE.  When I think of a future where we have no kids, I just feel empty and blank.  I can't see what that future is.  Not that I know what my future looks like with kids, really.  But, I can at least guess. Without kids?  I don't know.  I just can't see my life being *this* forever.  I need something more.  I don't know what, but it can't just be going to work and coming home and going to work and coming home ad nauseum. 

Anyway, it's time to refocus on the trees.  Sometimes it's not a bad thing to lose sight of the forest for a while.  One step at a time.  Just two weeks or so and we're back on the ART train.  I need to get in touch with my RE and figure out if he wants any more tests before then.  I want to have some time to pre-order my meds.  I need to think about the details for a while and not think about what happens if it doesn't work this time.  What happens if I make it to the end of the year I've given myself for this to work.  I can't think about that right now.

If you need me, I'll be hiding behind that tree over there.

Because I can't resist following a trend...

And because I can't come up with anything else to talk about right now. 

 

(Only 12 more days of BCPs to go...)

 

So, the ABC's of me!  

 

(I think this desire to "join in" stems from a childhood of being denied buying the "cool" clothes and shoes because they were too expensive, too much of a fad, not feminist (if my mother didn't like the ad campaign for something, it didn't matter how much I begged), etc. ☺ )

 

(A) Age: 36
(B) Bed Size: King.  My DH and I are both really light sleepers and when we share smaller beds we wake each other up all night long. 

(C) Chore You Hate: Cleaning the bathroom.

(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: While I'm on "TTC break" -- coffee!!  

(F) Favorite Color:  Royal blue

(G) Gold or Silver?  Silver

(H) Height: 5'8"

(I) Instruments You Play: Nothing, really.  I was a dancer as a kid so there wasn't time for anything else. 

(J) Job Title: Associate Professor

(K) Kids: Yes, please!

(L) Live: Missouri.

(M) Mom's Name: Pat.

(N) Nicknames:  Nothing too interesting.

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Tonsilectomy at age 5 and nasty bronchitis in high school.
(P) Pet Peeve: Inconsiderate people.  Just in general.

(Q) Quote from a Movie:  I have many -- I tend to be one of those annoying people who quote movie lines a lot.  Here are some favorites from one of my favorite movies of all time.  "No more rhymes, now, I mean it...Anybody want a peanut?"  "Inconceivable!...You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means."  "Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia' - but only slightly less well-known is this: 'Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!' Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...*clunk*" "As you wiiiiiiish......"

(R) Right or Left Handed? Right

(S) Siblings: One step-brother

(T) Time You Wake Up? 6 am

(U) Underwear: I'm a bikini girl

(V) Vegetable You Dislike: sometimes eggplant -- depends on how you cook it

(W) What Makes You Run Late:  Other people.  Otherwise, I'm obnoxiously on-time or, usually, early.

(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: Chest, hip, head, abdomen, feet

(Y) Yummy Food You Make: veggie lasagna, veggie pot pie

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: pandas

It's done, it's done!!!

It's hard to believe, but it's done!  After 5 weeks of frozen food and takeout and a 2 1/2 week delay waiting for counters to come so the sink could be installed, we've got a brand new, gorgeous kitchen!!!  I'm SO excited.  I'm beyond excited, actually.  It's helping to lift my mood (see last post) immensely! 

They finished on Friday afternoon and we promptly left town for the weekend for my DH's family reunion (lots of toddlers, but only a couple of preggos who are lapping me, it wasn't as bad as expected), so all we've done in it so far is run a load of dishes and stare in awe at the whole thing.  But, let me tell you, this dishwasher is INCREDIBLE.  We decided to test it's mettle and put all the nasty baked-on bowls and things that had built up in the past week or so where I'd been so busy and so annoyed at the whole process that I hadn't really been cleaning anything.  I figured it wouldn't possibly get out the solid mortar that is leftover oatmeal.  But...it did!  (I may or may not have gotten down on one knee and held the clean bowls up to the sky as a choir of angels sang.)

There are a few things we still need to do -- there's a piece of counter missing that the manufacturer cut incorrectly and we haven't put in the trim on the bottom of the cabinets (or some of the tops) or re-done the ceiling.  But, as the contractor said "You are never really done, you just leave." 


After about a year of collecting appliances on clearance and storing them in our dining room, seeking out deals on cabinets, etc. we finally have done it!

(I've always wanted to be on HGTV, so here come the dramatic before and after pictures.)

View from the dining room:

  Before.  (This is just a taste of the clutter that has been going on in this room for the past year or two.  It's been making me NUTS.)

After.  (Cue choir of angels.)

After.  Gives you a better sense of how it all comes together.  I really love the breakfast bar.

 View of the south wall.

Before.  Dark!  Walls closing in on me!  Don't make me spend time in here!!  Ah!!!

After.  Beautiful, bright, calming.  (Yes, it helps that it's actually decluttered...)

View of the north wall.

Before.  "Eat-in" part of our kitchen.  With a handy phone nook (it's still open on the other side).

After.  Yeah, I'll sacrifice that phone nook for a GORGEOUS wall oven and double pantry cabinets.  Swoon.

Views of the east wall.

Before.  Hated stove with only two working burners.  And, essentially all of the counter space in the room.

After.  Whoever invented the french door, freezer on the bottom refrigerator should be praised.

Before.  Cluttered corner with dish rack and annoying soffit -- it looked like storage but was nailed shut.

After.  Who needs a cluttered dish rack when you can have a gorgeous dishwasher!! 

Views of the west wall.

Before.  Fridge with way too much junk on it (the new fridge won't hold a magnet on the front...that's probably a good thing!  It will keep us from getting to this point again...  Cute nephews or no, they shouldn't take up our entire kitchen.) 

After.  I swear this is the same view.  Love the look-through.  If someone is sitting at the bar on the other side, you can look them in the eye if you're standing there and cooking or working at the counter.  (And, yes, it is possible that I turned the burners on and off several times because I was just so excited to have a gas cooktop.)

Before.  So closed in.

After.  So open!!  (Sorry the picture is so dark.)

Close up on the floor.

After.  Scroll back for the "before" shots.  It was a kind of dirty looking yellowish linoleum.  This is still, actually, a vinyl floor, but we're really happy with how it looks.  We weren't planning on getting a dark floor, but I can't believe how nice it turned out!

I can't wait to start cooking in it!! :)  YAY!!!

Feeling antsy

Things on my mind:

• Counting down the days of BCPs.  I start the second pack on Thursday and my BCP-induced AF has been a real bitch.  Painful, migraine-ful, heavy.  I hate how I feel on the stupid pills but I hate how I feel off of them more.  I just want to move on.
• I did enjoy the strange look I got from the pharmacist when I bought a pack of BCP and prenatal vitamins together.  That and the "AF special" (chocolate, potato chips, heat packs, ibuprofen).
• Does anyone else find the ads for "beyaz" annoying?  BCP and folic acid in one!  "Folic acid is known to help prevent birth defects when taken at the time of conception and will even work for a few months after taking it."  Yes, women of reproductive age should take folic acid.  But, hey, this way if you are one of those lucky few who get pregnant immediately after stopping BCP (or even on it) then you're covered, too!  I mean, I started taking prenatal vitamins three months before I got off of BCP (you know, because surely I'd get pregnant the first try) but somehow these ads piss me off.
• My addiction to fertility friend has been hard to break.  I have had the hardest time not recording information about AF anywhere.  I will stop and think "oh, today starts spotting" or "hm, I need to put down that I got a headache today" and realize it truly doesn't matter and there's nowhere to put it! 
• I decided not to go to one of the conferences I was supposed to go to in March and I think we're not going to travel too far for spring break, either.  Mostly I just really don't want to go -- when I had an epiphany in the middle of the night that I didn't have to go, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders.  I'll admit, though, that part of me didn't want to do it because it would mean putting off getting back to treatments another month.  And, who knows what will happen with that, anyway, but I am just feeling so antsy about getting back to it.  I'm afraid I'm putting too much hope on this first inject-IUI. 
• BCPs really do make me overly emotional.  About two weeks ago, I found out my DH's old, beat-up 1987 ugly brown car finally had to be scrapped and I couldn't stop crying.  I hate that car!  And, yet, the thought of it getting sent to the junkyard just killed me.  I don't even know why.  It's still making me sad. And, it's not as if we have to put money out to get another one -- it was a "spare" car.  I don't know.  It's pitiful.  My DH was trying desperately not to laugh at me.
• I'm getting really tired of the snow and cold! The high is in the single digits today.  This is about 30 degrees below normal.At least it is sunny.  Thank goodness it is supposed to be in the 30s this weekend.
• Lots of new BFPs out there in IF blogworld.  It's wonderful.  But, I will admit that I am terribly jealous.
• I was doing fine and hadn't really been thinking about my m/c until my friend D kept pushing pictures of her new nephew (born Saturday about two weeks late) in my face at her house during the Superbowl saying "Rebecca will want to see this."  Very cute kid but, you know what, I really didn't. The one of the "happy family" sucked the life out of me.  And then, all of the sudden, I flashed back to finding out her SIL was pregnant (for the fourth time in about 5 or 6 years) right around the time I miscarried and knowing that she was due just a few weeks after I was and then thinking how unfair it was that she got to make it all the way through her pregnancy and I didn't.  I certainly don't mean I wish a m/c on her, it is purely envy at what I couldn't have.  I can't wrap my head around the idea that you could, for the fourth time, get pregnant easily and then just *know* that you'd have no problem staying that way so it was fine to announce it to everyone when you were only 8 weeks pregnant.  And, your biggest disappointment during your pregnancy?  Finding out it is yet another boy.   It just made me sad.  
• I've been feeling really old lately.  This year is my 20th high school reunion and that is just insane.  I keep finding gray hairs (I was very lucky that I didn't find my first until last year) and I'm just feeling down about it.  No real reason and I honestly don't care about the gray, it's just a reminder.  My friend H (who got pregnant accidentally and is raising her 4 1/2 year old daughter (who I love to pieces) mostly on her own) told me that, at 37, she's the "old mom" at her daughter's day care.  I think it was meant to be a hint.  But, yeah, it just made me feel even older.  Yeah 36 isn't that old, I realize this.  But it certainly feels that way.
• I'm getting so tired of eating frozen meals and takeout.  My DH is optimistic that the counters will come this week.  I'm not at all.  I think next week seems much more realistic.  If they do come, I don't know if our contractors can even come and finish since they've started a new job.  My IF pessimism is coming in handy -- I assume it won't work out and I am willing to be pleasantly surprised.  My DH's optimism keeps saying that it will work out and he keeps getting disappointed.  I think my way works better.

There's more, I think.  But, this is getting whiny and depressing so I'm going to stop.  Blech.

The obligatory blizzard photo post

I feel like I have no other choice but to add my "oh my g-d, have you seen all the f'ing snow?!" post to the myriad other ones out there.  It may be repetitive and those of you not in the "2000 miles of snow" might be starting to find this annoying.  And, I mean, some of you "up north" would roll your eyes at only 15 inches of snow.

But, seriously?  Have you seen all the f'ing snow?!

I teach at a college in Missouri.  It's a relatively small school in a rather small town and most of the students live on campus or within walking distance.  (And, yes, 1 mile or *gasp* 2 miles is still walking distance ladies and gentlemen!!)  So, unless there's a blizzard, they don't cancel school -- they just leave it to faculty to cancel individual classes if they can't get in and ask us to be "understanding" of the few students who commute.  The students whine and complain -- "oh, there were 4 inches of snow on the ground and they plowed all the streets completely clear by 7 am, but my high school would have been canceled!"  To that I say "suck it up!!"  Please note:  this is from an Atlanta native who grew up with school being canceled if there was even the possibility of snow.  But, seriously, snow isn't unusual up here.  The local public schools cancel all the time -- and it makes everyone (besides the kids) nuts -- but that's because their buses can't get down the gravel roads to pick up the students.  Do you know what a pain it is when classes that meet twice a week or labs that only meet 13 times a semester are canceled? So, yeah, it takes a blizzard to cancel school.

Guess what?  There was a blizzard.  Nearly a foot and a half of snow.  For the first time in 37 years, they closed the school.  For two days.

Let me say that again in case you missed it.  For the first time in thirty-seven years, they closed the school.

Only about 2 or 3 people on campus remember the last time they closed the school. Heck, I was a year away from being born the last time they closed the school!!

Nicknames for Blizzard '11?  Snowmageddon!  Snowpocalypse!  My favorite?   SNO-M-G!!!

Even now we're still digging out.  There is essentially one path you can follow around campus and there's no hope if you're trying to go a different direction.  Last night a water main on campus broke and now there's a river that will soon turn to an ice sheet.  Of course, the river is running down the path of least resistance and forming a skating lane around the entire dug out path with nice 15 inch snow ledges holding it in as it freezes. I say, let's polish it and go skating!

Anyway, here come the obligatory blizzard pictures:

There's a car under there, I swear.  If you look closely you can see the license plate peeking through that really odd pattern of snow drift.  But, hey, what's that on the right?  My hated old broken stove!! ☺   (Yeah, don't ask about how much longer we'll be kitchen-less because of this new twist.  I'm trying not to think about it but it has probably added at least another week if not two.)

Our backyard.  The patio furniture makes me laugh.

Digging.

More digging.

If ever there was a day I wish I had a snow blower, this was it.

My DH found it amusing to take pictures of me from behind the storm door and then say "hey, you've got a cave-in behind you."  He did eventually come out to help.

(And, yes, I kept my toes warm with little hot packs.  No more ulcers for me. ☺)

It really is beautiful even if it is difficult to deal with.  I walked home from school last night at 9 pm and the world was just so silent and muffled.  Snow makes everything so peaceful. 

Oh, ok, it's fun, too: