The sun'll come out tomorrow (I hope)

(Borrowing Kelly's old blog title... ☺)

OK, so I wrote yet another "I'm feeling anxious, I wish I were more positive, but I'm still anxious, I hate feeling crampy" post but just deleted it.  This is getting old.  Yes, it's how I'm feeling, but I'm afraid I'm wallowing in it.

So, instead I'm going to go in a totally different direction and think happy thoughts:

• Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my defending my Ph.D. dissertation and being called Dr. Rebecca for the first time.  :)
• This weekend my student group is planning a huge colloquium on campus and I'm really excited about it. 
• It's Halloween!  I can't wait to see a few students in costume -- I love seeing what they come up with.
• We have successfully managed to keep our house clean for a WHOLE WEEK after having visitors last weekend.  The chaos hasn't erupted again (yet).  I'm quite impressed with us and hoping we can keep this up.
• My DH and I had lots of lovely "practical decisions about pregnancy and after the baby arrives" discussions this weekend which made me feel all happy and "glowy" inside.
• I'm utterly exhausted all the time and I think that's a good thing.
• I still look about 4 months pregnant by the time evening rolls around.  It's hilarious. 
• We've had pictures of our embryos up on the fridge but keep hiding them when a few guests have stopped by who don't know, yet.  My DH was worried yesterday that he couldn't find the picture.  When I found it, he put them back up and then immediately put a picture of our younger nephew next to them.  He said "hopefully it will help them be like their younger cousin and not the older one."   (Our older nephew has always been a bit of a handful while the younger one has always been really "easy.")  It just made me smile thinking of the cousins all together.
• Tomorrow we will get a first glance at our little one(s). It's going to be a beautiful day.

Antsy

You know, it's a bad thing to be in a "leave me the fuck alone" mood when you're a teacher.  People are constantly coming up to you asking questions and asking for favors and asking the same damn thing over and over again.  And, all I want to do is just yell at every single one of them and tell them they're being idiots and to just leave me the hell alone.  Blah.

Not sure why I'm in such a rotten mood right now but I really don't want to deal with people.  It's the kind of mood I usually get into right before AF shows up.  Just feeling hormonal, I guess.

I keep having moments of incredibly strong cramps that have me bent over in pain for about 10 seconds or so that I just have to stop and breathe through.  I hope it's just the progesterone or my ovaries still swollen and cyst-y.  It's not particularly confidence-inspiring.  It hasn't been enough that I've felt like I needed to call the doctor.  Not much I can do about it right now, though.

Sorry, just needed to vent a bit.  Still trying to stay positive and keep everything crossed until the first peek next week.

*drums fingers*

Trying to ignore how slowly time is passing here...

I swear, the 2ww for this cycle zoomed by and the five days since we scheduled our u/s have now felt like a lifetime.  I don't know how on earth I'm going to wait another week until we get a first peek.  I can't imagine how "normal fertile women" wait until the 8th week or later!

I am SO tired.  I cannot keep my eyes open.  I actually went home and took a nap at lunch today.  Yesterday, after falling asleep grading on the couch at 8:30, I just gave up and went to bed at 9:30.

We've told an odd selection of people.  My DH has a group of distant (as in, living far away from here) friends and his sister he was updating on a daily basis about the details.  I keep asking him how much they really cared about the details -- but of course, he was just giving them the same details I've been giving you.  As much as he'll deny it, I think he needed to talk about it the same way that I did. So, after Thursday's positive report, he sent them the update.  I think he's being pessimistically optimistic this time around.  I think he's unwilling to imagine it working until maybe the 20th week or so.  Actually, when I was having a bit of an anxiety attack last night, he basically said he doesn't think he'll "believe" it until the baby is on its way out.  That's how he was last time, and I think he feels somewhat justified since, in the end, it didn't work out.  He makes me more nervous when he does this since he's normally a very optimistic person.

I haven't told any IRL friends (even the only one who knew we were in the middle of an IVF cycle and just announced her own pregnancy) or family.  I think I'll tell my mother after the u/s -- though I'm not positive.  My DH will probably not tell his parents until after the first trimester.  I actually am kind of dreading telling my mother.  Which is ridiculous.  I can't seem to feel confident in this pregnancy.  I guess the whole "once bitten, twice shy" thing is true.  I know with one loss we don't really have a higher probability of having another one.  But, I'm just afraid to feel like it's real. 

I keep repeating over and over to myself:

"There is no reason to believe this won't be a successful pregnancy."

(Not the world's best mantra, but it's what keeps coming out.)

I'm trying to remind myself of what I said last year.

I feel like the next time I will believe it from the beginning. I will appreciate it from the first moment. I will know that it could all go away again, but I will cherish everything that I get. 

And, really, I am cherishing every moment I have.  I'm holding my still swollen belly and staring at the pictures of my embryos.  I'm living in the "now," which is unusual for me.  I'm just having a hard time imagining the future. 


I don't mean for this post to come out like I'm not excited or like I don't think it will work out.  I always hate when people do that.   I guess I'm just protecting myself and waiting for the next step. 

I did buy a pregnancy book this weekend.  Crazy for an infertile who has had a loss, I know.  It's a vegetarian pregnancy book that I found at a used bookstore sometime last summer.  And, of course, refused to buy at the time on the grounds that I would automatically be preventing myself from getting pregnant by having such a book in my home!  We happened to be at the same store on Saturday and I was sitting in a chair (because walking up the stairs had winded me and my entire abdomen was aching) and noticed the book again.  Despite all my instincts against jinxing myself, I grabbed it. 

If that's not thinking positively, I don't know what is! :)

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant.

The suspense was killing me...

So, I won't make you wait anymore:

9dp5dt 2 pm, beta HCG 233
11dp5dt 11 am, beta HCG 606!!

Doubling time of 32.6 hours!

It took them 5 hours to call about the results!  After they told me it would be 2 hours.  I'm sure they just got busy, but I don't think they realized the scenarios that would be going through my head.  Dr. Smiles is out of town (which is true), the number wasn't good, they had to hunt him down to discuss it with him.  They lost the blood sample.  I don't know what else.  Don't let a paranoid IFer wait an extra 3 hours for good news!  It wouldn't have been so bad but, after 2 1/2 hours, I had to go to lab where I'm trapped in a basement with no phone signal for four hours.  So, I had to give my phone to my husband with strict instructions to find me when he got the results and to schedule the ultrasound.  He was freaked out with the responsibility.  (It's true, I saw panic in his eyes.)

Oh, yeah, our first ultrasound?  Tuesday, November 1st.  I will be 6 weeks pregnant.

Pregnant!  Did you hear that?  I have to keep saying it to believe it.  Wow. 

Not so calm anymore

But for a whole different reason:

9dp5dt -- Beta 233

233!!  :)

Yes, after POAS I was confident it would be positive. But, somehow I just didn't believe the sticks! 

(The nurse was wonderful.  She was the one I talked to on Saturday and, before she took my blood, she smiled coyly and said "when did you test?  After I told you that on Saturday, right?  And it was positive, wasn't it?  Yeah, it's not my first time at the rodeo!"  She gave me a huge hug as I was leaving.  Have I said how much I love my RE's office?)


First step down.  Repeat beta on Thursday.


Holy hand grenade.  I'm pregnant.

Calmer

Spotting stopped yesterday afternoon.  So far so good.

*Insert giant sigh of relief.*

And, thank you for all your reassurances.  I swear I don't mean to be a neurotic mess.

(But, I'm warning you now that I probably will be.)

Part of my problem yesterday was that I made a boneheaded mistake Sunday night and I was just feeling really off and stupid.  A former colleague and his wife (close friends who moved away in August) were in town -- the husband just for a day, the wife for the rest of the week.  Another friend invited us over for dinner with them Sunday night.  The invite came several weeks ago and my DH and I had RSVP'd and were planning on going.  We even talked about it on Saturday and how we were going to go for a while no matter what -- even if I felt bad from the OHSS.

And then, well, Sunday was kind of a big day -- you know, the BFP and all.  :)  And, I was cleaning as much as I could all day (we've got houseguests coming this weekend) and I felt kind of like crap.  I'm OK-ish in the mornings, I look 4 months pregnant, but I can at least breathe and walk.  But, by the end of the day, my stomach is hard as a rock, I can't button my pants (pants that were two sizes too big last week), it hurts to walk and I get short of breath.  Somehow, with all of that, I just completely forgot about the dinner! 

And, I felt horrible.  SO embarrassed.  There was just supposed to be one other couple there besides the hosts and the guests of honor.  I felt like they must have assumed we didn't care -- which couldn't have been further from the truth because I miss them and was so excited to see them!  When I was getting into bed, I suddenly remembered, and immediately sent e-mail apologies to all of them. I called my DH at work and he couldn't believe he'd forgotten, too.  He kept telling me it was OK and that "we've got a lot going on right now."  But, they don't know about any of it, so have no idea that we weren't just being rude.  It made me so upset.  That sort of giant social faux pas always puts me off kilter for a while.

So, in the morning, I was still feeling "off."  Then, I saw blood. 

Anyhow...

Yeah, you're probably hoping for a beta update.  Well, not for a while.  Because of class, I can't get to the doctor's office until 2 this afternoon, so we're all going to have to keep waiting...  They offered me to have the blood drawn in town, but I'm doctorless at the moment.  I am not going back to the OB who was so callous during my miscarriage, and I don't want to go through the hassle of trying to explain what's going on to a new OB until things are a little bit further along.  And, we've had really bad luck with the hospital lab in town.  So, I'd rather make the trip.  Besides, I'd like to chat with them a bit about the OHSS in person as well and make sure that I'm doing OK and that gatorade and salt are still the only things I need to worry about.

So, eventually, this will be a double post kind of day.  With good news.  I'm feeling confident of that.

Nervous

Thank you, ladies, so much for the outpouring of congratulations.  I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I tested again today and it was still positive.  And, the line is darker, I think.

But...

I also started to spot this morning.  Red spotting mixed in with the remnants of the progesterone suppositories.

And, I'm feeling crampy -- and not the same as OHSS crampy (which is still there).  AF-like crampy.

I *know* spotting can mean nothing.  I know several women who have spotted and/or bled quite a bit at the beginning of a pregnancy and gone on to have healthy pregnancies.

But, it doesn't make me any less nervous.

Not much I can do, now, but wait until tomorrow and see what happens.

I'm just a little scared.  I feel like I jinxed myself.

The stick's allure was too strong

October 16, 2011 -- 7dp5dt

Um...  Yeah...  It appears that I am pregnant!

My DH called while he was out yesterday afternoon and asked me what brand of tests I wanted.  I think he knew that, given the OHSS, my resolve not to POAS was quickly dwindling.  (The man actually bought a pack of pregnancy tests!)  I woke up this morning at 4 am desperately needing to pee.  I kept trying to ignore it because I knew if I got up I'd have to POAS and then I'd never get back to sleep -- no matter what the result.  The second line popped up almost immediately.  I just stood there staring.

I tried to go back to sleep.  That didn't work.  I meditated.  That didn't help.  I finally got up and went downstairs to distract my brain with mindless TV.  

When my DH came down at 8, he assumed I'd either not tested or that it was negative because I didn't wake him up.  He laughed when I said I'd been up since 4 am.  

We're cautiously optimistic and waiting for the official beta on Tuesday.

But, OMG, one giant step down!

(It felt like it called for an "OMG."  :)  )

Eep!!!

6dp5dt

I am so bloated.  I've gained more than 5 pounds in the past two days, all in my abdomen, and I look around 4 months pregnant.  It gets worse as the day goes on -- I can barely eat anything and at night it's hard to breathe.  It seems like I've probably developed OHSS.  Which is not particularly surprising given my history.  But, blah, I feel like a beach ball rolling around the house!

So far it isn't bad but I called the nurse to see when I should be worried and what I should do -- because everything on-line gives contradictory advice -- more salt, less salt, more protein, less protein.  She basically said that as long as my urine output is still good, I'm OK, but to keep an eye on my weight and keep in touch.  She said to eat more salt (which just seems weird since usually when you're bloated that's the opposite advice, but it's a different type of fluid retention) and to keep them updated especially if I go up 10 pounds.

(There was a confusing moment because they somehow forgot to weigh me before this cycle started and the last weight they had on me was in June and I'd lost about 10 pounds since then.  So, to her records, I've actually lost 5 pounds rather than gaining 5.)

Then she confided that from her experience this is a good sign.  Which I'm trying to ignore.  That OHSS typically comes from increases in HCG.  And, I'm trying not to think about that.  Because I will not test until the Tuesday beta and I don't want to think about it because it could also just be my natural propensity toward OHSS and tendency to over respond to progesterone.

My DH, who is firmly anti-testing, even asked why I hadn't tested, yet.

Because I, intentionally, have no tests in the house!!  I won't do it!!

-----------------------------

Today is October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  As I cradle the little ticks in my belly and hope that they are digging in and causing all this discomfort, I remember my spider baby who would have been 10 months old if he'd been able to stick around.  I miss you very much little one.

(It only just occurred to me that spiders and ticks are related.)

Today I think about all of you and the babies you've lost.  As well as the babies that have never been.  Much love to all of you.

Howdy

4dp5dt! Five days until testing!

I have been wanting to write that kind of code for SO long. :)

What's going on? Progesterone is putting me on edge. Yesterday I wrote a whole post about the things my husband has been doing that have been making me nuts. It was just to vent and I realized that it totally just sounded whiny since it ignored all the wonderful things he was doing, so I got rid of it.

Tuesday was our 3rd anniversary! :) We postponed celebrating until yesterday because we're in *gasp* a big city for a meeting and they have...wait for it...restaurant choices!! Woohoo!! When I called to make a reservation, they asked if we were celebrating anything and I said "No...oh, wait! Yes! It's our anniversary!" (My brain had blanked.) It was nice because then, at the restaurant, everyone kept saying "Happy Anniversary" and they gave us dessert. It was just a lot of fun.

I overdid it last night trying to walk back to the hotel. I guess everything is still a little sore and I hadn't been doing much of anything, and suddenly I just got really tired and achy. So, we just kind of slowed way down and waddled back. My DH has been so sweet and so supportive. He is taking care of me and keeps holding and kissing my tummy. So, I'm taking it easy today. At some point I'm going to wander around shopping a bit (my husband is the one with the meeting -- I'm on fall break! ;) ) But, I definitely need to remember that I should relax.

My breasts are killing me. That started the day of retrieval (before even starting the prog suppositories). Everything else that I'm feeling (tired, slightly nauseous) started before the transfer even happened -- so, yeah, I think we can assign it to progesterone and not baby!

So far the wait isn't too bad. The distraction of being out of town for a few days (in a wonderful hotel) is good. I'm just trying to stay calm and keep my mind off of it all.

It's kind of tough to do.

Hmm...not the world's most interesting post. But, there you go!

Are you in there little fetus?

Thoughts from the couch:

• Yes, I know they're not fetuses (feti?), yet.  It's just I was watching the Phoebe-becomes-a-surrogate Friends episode and I'd totally forgotten about one of my favorite Phoebe songs which I can now no longer get out of my head.

Are you in there little fetus?  In nine months will you come greet us?  I will buy you some Adidas.

• My DH watched the relevant IVF parts of the show with me and he was just aghast.  It's so funny to watch him now that he's so knowledgeable about all the IF stuff have the same reactions that I've been having all along to how IF and IVF, etc. are portrayed on TV and in the movies.  He kept saying "5 embryos?  A 25 % chance that a single one will take?  What?!  And, are you kidding me, this is the first time she's even heard about the number of embryos or the likelihood it will work?  Where are all the consent forms and paperwork?  And, really?  A positive pregnancy test the next day?  Yeah right."  It made me chuckle.  
• Of course, I realize that this was 1998, but still.  Five embryos?
• (Also, I'd forgotten how much I love the rest of that episode where the guys and girls have the bet about who knows whom better.)
• This afternoon I have a work meeting from my couch!  I lucked out (well, maybe not since if it was happening in person I could have skipped it) that my boss had already decided to try out a Google Hangout for the meeting.  The awkward thing is that he knows exactly why I'm home on the couch.  He's a good friend of my DH's and is the only person in town who actually knows what's going on.  And, my DH has been giving him specific updates.  So, it will be a bunch of us chatting on-line about the advantages of using mobile computing in the classroom (hence the on-line meeting) where he'll know what's going on while all the others will have no idea and I have a feeling it will be killing him not to ask how things are going.  And, I'm going to have to figure out how to answer the questions of "where are you?" from the rest of them.
• The word of the day in the e-mail I get was "Sustain."  I am currently sustaining my embryos.
• Speaking of embryos... we got the call from the embryologist that we were able to freeze one embryo.  The one that was a morula yesterday is now a Grade I expanded blast.  So, yay for our little frozen tot!
• Other than that, just hanging out.  :)

PUPO!

Ladies, please allow me to introduce you to my two little embabies!!

On the left -- early blast.  On the right -- expanded blast that is starting to hatch

My husband keeps referring to them as "the ticks," (because we hope they'll latch on and start acting like parasites) but we've got to come up with a better name than that when (yes, I said WHEN) these stick.

Today we had four growing embies left.  We transferred a Grade I early blast and a Grade I/II expanded blast that has started to hatch.  (The embryologist said she had to call it a II because it looks like there are a few dark spots/dead cells in the center, but she thinks it's actually good otherwise.)  (Again, Grade I is the highest for my clinic -- why can't these places be consistent?  My husband was convinced we were doomed because he was reading a website where a Grade I was the lowest...)

Tomorrow we'll hear the status of our other two embies -- one is a Grade I morula and the other is a Grade II/III early blast.  If we're lucky, we'll be able to freeze at least one.  

The transfer went really well.  I listened to C+B on the way down so was super-relaxed when we got there.  The wonderful IVF nurse (who I love) led us back and gave us our outfits.  My DH highly enjoyed his hat, mask and shoe covers and has taken them home for a Halloween outfit.  He looked hilarious in shorts with shoe covers over his Keens (it's really warm here). I got changed and we took pictures of each other while we waited for the embryologist.  She came in and told us about the embryos and gave us the picture.  I felt like I just wanted to hold it and  keep staring at it.  Can you love a microscopic bunch of nondescript cells?  

A few minutes later, the nurse came back and said "well, it's noon. Dr. Smiles should be rolling into the office soon."  My DH calls him Elvis.  For both the ER and ET, everyone else -- multiple nurses, embryologist, etc. -- are there for a few hours ahead of time getting everything ready.  Then, at the last moment, he runs into the office, says lots of positive things, then does whichever deed needs doing.  You get the feeling that he psyches himself up for these things and needs to be separate from the preparation part.  He told us today that last night he was watching youtube videos with inspiring messages about excellence.

We went into the operating room and I got set up in the stirrups.  There's something very disconcerting about sitting in the middle of a room with your legs spread out up high in the air with three or four people just wandering about.  And, of course, every single one of these people has already seen everything there is to see about me down there...but still.  You feel a little weird.  Especially when your husband and the doctor are just having a casual chat about Big 12 football and how they both wish Nebraska had lost to Ohio State yesterday because they are so angry at them for starting the disintegration of the Big 12...

My bladder was properly full and Dr. Smiles was incredibly excited about the view he had of my uterus.  (He was incredibly excited in general.)  I overheard the embryologist in the back room saying my full name multiple times.  Then the nurse said it, too.  Then Dr. Smiles said it.  Then, he got everything into place and I closed my eyes and started breathing deeply because I didn't want to cramp up.  Then, I saw the embryologist come back out and she said "I've got two embryos for Rebecca _____".  (It's nice to know that they have about fifteen checks in place to make sure that they gave us our actual embryos.)  

Then, on the u/s screen, they watched the fluid deposit right at the top of my uterus.  The nurse moved a bit so I could see what was going on.  I started to tear up a little.  I didn't think that would be so emotional, but it was.  

Dr. Smiles was beyond excited about how it went.  He told us it was perfect and said to the nurses "That's worth coming in on a Sunday for, isn't it?"  (I had totally forgotten it was a Sunday by this point...)

They sent they embryologist back with the catheter to rinse it a few times to make sure the embryos had made it out.  After she confirmed it was empty, it was done.  And, I just felt relief.

They moved me back to the recovery room and I settled in with my C+B, again.  After, that is, my DH kissed my tummy.  Twenty-five minutes later, the nurse came in and let me go to the bathroom.  Then, we settled back in for another half hour of resting.  It was so nice.  Just a quiet, dimly lit room with my DH reading the paper and me calmly bopping along to the 80s channel that was playing in the background.  

We scheduled my beta for October 18th (14 days post retrieval).  The nurse said it was the best day of the year -- her birthday.  (I've got to remember that when I go down there.)  Because it's a Tuesday, I can't get there until the afternoon due to work requirements. (They offered to let me do the beta up here, but I just don't trust anyone but them nor do I want to hear the results from anyone else.  I'd rather make the drive.)  I have a feeling I'm going to be a bit of a nervous wreck at that point.  My plan is not to POAS.  We'll see how that goes.

The amazing thing is that October 18th is the day, 3 years ago, that AF showed up for the first time after going off the pill.  So, just like Amanda, my beta is scheduled for the exact 3 year anniversary of when we started trying.  Our 3-year wedding anniversary is this coming Tuesday the 11th.  Seems like just the time when our little embies should be snuggling in.  

Meanwhile, I'm camped out on the sofa.  I've got some pineapple I cut up yesterday and some Brazil nuts that my husband carefully separated from two bags of mixed nuts last night because he couldn't find any by themselves (he's adorable).   I've got my C+B meditations and a bunch of funny movies and sitcoms.  (Later today, I'm DVR'ing the Friends episode where Phoebe becomes a surrogate.  I figure it will definitely be good for a few laughs at all the errors!  What did they transfer, 5 embryos?  That they left in a petri dish on the table in front of her?  And she tested positive later that day or the next, didn't she?)  I keep putting my hand on my belly and sending all the love I have to my uterus.  

Just nine days until we know. 

Thanks to all of you for the support!!

Sunday it is!

As of today we've got:

3 8-cell Grade 1
1 8-cell Grade 2
1 3-cell (that looks like it is probably arresting)

(My clinic does a 1, 2, 3 grading system where 1 is the highest.) 

So, because there are four to choose from, they want to see what goes to blast by Day 5 so they can pick the best one(s)!

Transfer is set for noon on Sunday!

I'm excited and nervous.  Part of me wants to have hold of them right now but I'm very excited to hopefully choose the best ones on Day 5.  And, hope that anything else might be able to freeze.

I'm planning on camping out on the sofa from Sunday until Tuesday at noon.  I figure I'd rather do 48 hours bed rest than not do it and always wonder if it would have helped.  I'm going to pre-record a lecture Saturday for my Monday class and I have no labs next week because we have fall break on Thursday and Friday.  So, my only other responsibility next week is a lecture Wednesday morning.  I'm going to be as relaxed the week post-transfer as is humanly possible!

Anybody have any transfer day tips? 

Looking good so far!

First of all, after my post yesterday, I want to make sure y'all didn't think I was unhappy with the five normal embies.  I'm very excited about them and SO glad that we have 5 which is really an awesome number!  If we'd started with 9 or 10 eggs I wouldn't have even blinked.  I think it was just a bit of a shock to come down from the high of feeling like we had SO many possibilities the day before and then to hear that such a large majority fertilized abnormally.  I had begun to suspect that an egg quality issue might be our problem -- even with my DH having a borderline HOST and morphology score this last analysis, everything else seemed to be fine or was also "borderline and uncertain" so it was the only thing my limited education on the subject could come up with.  But, no matter how pessimistic I tend to be about things, an optimistic part of my brain has just kept thinking "well, of course I'll respond great and we'll get numbers of eggs and great embies that belie my age and then the transfer will be perfect and the embies will stick and we'll have to deal with the dilemma of what to do with ALL those perfect frozen blasts!"

So, hearing confirmation that this wasn't true sort of shocked my sensibilities.  I started feeling discouraged.  My DH, who is ALWAYS optimistic, felt pessimistic and somewhat downtrodden for the first time.  He deals with statistics (for a living).  The laws of probabilities for each of the next steps made starting with 5 not look so good.  He's seemed a little nervous and "off" ever since.  Which unnerved me a bit.  He's not usually like that.  The night before he'd had a series of e-mail exchanges with a friend of his from college who has a two year old from IVF.  She's 43 or so, now, and, at 40, had 18 eggs retrieved and 18 eggs fertilized normally.  And got pregnant on the first transfer with lots to freeze.  And, she kept saying "Rebecca's only 36!  That's so young!"  She's now struggling to conceive a second -- her next fresh cycle led to lots of eggs but none fertilized and then a miscarriage after another ICSI cycle.  So, I think he was comparing my cycle to her first one.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I've felt a little nervous and "off," too.  (Not at all hormonally related, I'm sure...)

But, yes, I was really happy about the five embies and sending all the hope and love I have to them and appreciate your doing so, too!!

.......

So, the report from the embryologist:

2 4-cell and 1 5-cell all three of which look "really, really good"
1 2-cell which looks "OK and isn't out, yet, may just be slow growing"
1 6-cell which looks "uneven, but it might just be what it was up to when I looked at it"

So, yay!!  At least three are great and two are still possibilities! 

She also said that the abnormal embies are starting to cleave as well (they're in a separate culture dish).  She said that in rare cases, an abnormal embryo can "correct" itself.  And, since we have nine of them, it's possible.  So, they're going to keep an eye on them and see what happens and if any have made it to healthy blasts to possibly freeze.  I'm a little uncertain that I'd want to use them -- it feels like we'd be setting ourselves up for triploidy.  But, if it comes down to it, I'll talk to the docs and try to get a better sense of what those risks are because they obviously know more about that than I do.

As for transfer dates, we're still unsure.  She's going to call me early in the morning tomorrow (day 3).  If only two are still looking stellar (she said we want them to be even and up to 6-9 cells), we'll probably transfer in the afternoon and keep the rest until day 5 or 6 and decide if they're good to freeze.  If more are looking good, then we'll push to a day 5 transfer (Sunday). 

Part of me hopes it's tomorrow so I can start feeling like I'm keeping the embies safe!!  Right now I feel so helpless.  But, I obviously want as many to be looking good as possible, so I'm good with either scenario.

.......

My DH and I are close friends with a group of five siblings he knew in college.  He's been the family's pseudo sixth sibling ever since.  They, their parents and all their spouses and children were at our wedding (which constituted about 40 people of the 130 who were there).  These are the friends who own the cabin in Minnesota that we go to sometimes.  And, one sister is the one who was supposed to stay with us last weekend but (thankfully) rescheduled.

When he updated her on the status of the embies yesterday she said "I know you guys aren't religious, but we've got the entire clan praying.  Mom's lighting a candle and having a ....(wish I knew the Catholic word) said for you guys.  I hope you don't mind."  He said (and so did I when he told me) "We'll take every prayer and positive thought you've got."  This is the most wonderful family -- if anyone's got some clout in the universe, it's them.  We'll take it! :)

Thank goodness for high initial egg counts

Because, after ICSI of 15 mature eggs (one extra caught up yesterday), we only have 5 normally fertilized embryos.

The embryologist said "that's a bit less of a fertilization rate than we'd like to see." 

You and me both!


Basically, 1 embryo didn't fertilize at all and 9 others fertilized abnormally -- containing far too much genetic information with multiple copies of genes.  She said it can happen when the egg aborts development or when multiple sperm fertilize one egg.  With ICSI, we know that multiple sperm isn't the problem. 

She hasn't gotten confirmation from Dr. Smiles, yet, about whether this is something that is likely to happen with my eggs all the time or if it is an artifact of this particular stim cycle (he's in surgery this morning).  So, I'll definitely ask her tomorrow what she found out from him.

But, if it turns out that this is something that my eggs are doing all the time, this looks like an explanation, doesn't it?  If only 1/3 of my eggs have a chance of developing genetically normal embryos then that could say why I wouldn't be getting pregnant on my own.  Or even with IUIs.

And, probably why I lost the one pregnancy I have been able to achieve.

But we have those 5 embryos.  Five is a lot.  I'm just crossing everything I've got that they start dividing normally and we have something to transfer.

Growth report tomorrow morning...

Holy egg count, Batman!

The tally is:

19 total eggs!
14 mature!
4 "on the cusp" of maturity that might mature before ICSI!

Wow!!  Dr. Smiles did a fist pump he was so happy with the results.

All went really smoothly.  Everyone at the office was, once again, wonderful.  I love these people.  The IVF nurse was great, as usual.  And, the other main nurse who I hadn't seen in a while was all excited to see me and gave me a big hug afterward.  The anesthesiologist and I sat and chatted beforehand about students I know that he knows, too (after apologizing for the jabs trying to get the IV running -- honestly, I didn't even notice).  No complications from the drugs -- still feeling kinda relaxed.  It's pleasant.  :)

Definitely feel like someone took a stabby tool and went after my ovaries, but not too bad so far.  Now I'm just going to hang out on the sofa and catch up on my blog reading and relax!

First fertilization report tomorrow morning!

I can't tell you what a wonderful warm fuzzy feeling I had inside as I re-read all of your comments before we headed out to the doctor's office this morning.  It was amazing knowing that so many people around the country (and world for that matter!) were thinking of me.  Thank you all so much for being there.

(Not to mention that I couldn't get "The eggs'll come out, tomorrow!  Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be eggs!" out of my head all night!  :)  Thanks, Oak!)

Random thoughts before retrieval

• Retrieval is tomorrow morning!  
• Triggered last night.  Boy do I feel bloaty.  Walking is not fun. 
• You know, it is weird to me that you can't tell from the outside when someone is going through IVF.  I mean, I feel like my belly should be sticking out and looking all bulgy.  But, in reality, it looks completely normal.  I'm waddling like I'm 9 months pregnant, though.  
• Yesterday I started wondering if anyone else in my town of 17,000 is going through IVF right now.  I know others in the town have had kids through IVF, but I wonder if anyone is currently going through it.  It was just a strange thought.  (Those of you in large cities probably don't "get" this because obviously someone else is going through it.)  "Hi" if you're out there...
• My DH finally admitted that he's feeling nervous about this.  He just really wants us to get a good number of eggs so we have a chance of a frozen transfer later if we need it.  So do I.  The uncertainty is killing me.  I just have to keep reminding myself that what we really want is *the* one.
• He's also a little nervous about "performing."  I keep telling him if he could do it under the worst circumstances, he's fine.  And, besides, we've got the back-up sample just in case...(And, I really think he'll be fine.)
• He's so cute because he's been clinging to his "How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup" and giving me all sorts of updates from it.  He had new tips about giving the trigger shot last night.  That was, of course, before he once again made all sorts of sad puppy sounds at having to give it.  I realize it's a pretty big needle in comparison to the sub-cutaneous ones I used for stims, but seriously, let it go.  You've done this 7 times before and I'm the one with all the pressure to mix it correctly and it's not like you've ever hurt me with it or that I even wince.  Just be thankful I'm using suppositories and not PIO for progesterone support and move on!
• We'll be staying in a hotel tonight so we can get to the RE's office early tomorrow morning.  It's a good thing because it will force us to relax -- no cleaning, no cooking, no working.  Just lying on the bed watching TV.  

There are other things like my deep thoughts about ICSI and someone choosing which sperm will fertilize which eggs (that's just odd to imagine, isn't it?)  But, I really need to get some work done before we leave town!!!  Retrieval number updates tomorrow!