Can I have a family?

For any who don't know, I teach chemistry at a small-ish college. My department is very "nurturing" and we're very close to our students.  (I've been to multiple student weddings over the years and each week at our faculty meeting there seems to be an announcement or two about some alumnus or another having another baby.  It gets a little old after a while.)  We try to encourage this from the beginning by having freshman over to our houses during orientation week and requiring the students to visit faculty members in their offices.

Yesterday, one of the first year students was interviewing me for an assignment for her freshman seminar.  She's a really eager young woman and is very enthusiastic about chemistry and school.  We spent a while talking about my background and my path to where I am now and then we started talking about where she might be able to go with a chemistry degree. 

We talked a little about the advantages and disadvantages to the different types of jobs you can have -- one where you show up at 9 and leave at 5 and move on with your life versus one where you work whatever hours it takes to get the job done and spend a lot of time outside of work thinking about it.  I mentioned that being a college professor is deceptive because you have a lot of flexibility in your work day but your day never seems to end and you often work nights and weekends to keep up with everything. 

She mentioned that her friend has a mother who is an OB/Gyn who never seems to be around (because she's always on call) and she asked "Is it possible to have a family and a career in chemistry?"

All of the sudden, I couldn't speak for tripping over my tongue. All I could do was think about my infertility.

"Well, of course it is" for anyone else but me.

"I mean, the...uh... majority of the women in our department have...uh... families." All of them but me, I mean.


"And, uh... the men all have families." Of course, that's not really the point, is it?  You want to know if you can be a mother?  May you?  Yes.  Can you?  Well... as long as you're not me?  Sure.

"I mean, you do have to make some adjustments." At least, that's what I've heard.  Not that I'd know about them because I only have to make schedule adjustments to go to doctor's appointments.


"And, you have to make priorities about when you'll work" or so I've heard.


Then I just sat there and tried to come up with something to say.  I wanted so much to have a personal story I could tell her.  I know she was waiting for me to say "Here are pictures of my kids. My husband and I make it work by taking turns and making sure neither of us feels overwhelmed."   Instead it just sounded like I was quoting platitudes.  I felt like I was making things up. 

When I told my DH about the conversation last night he said "you've got me and the cat."  And, it's true.  I'm incredibly lucky to have him. I thank my lucky stars every day for him. When I think back to life before him, I'm sad for my old self.  He is my family and I needed the reminder. 

And the cat.  She's pretty good, too.