Aw..., random thoughts and awards!

You guys just make me feel so loved!!  Thank you so much for your comments on my blogoversary and my previous posts, too!  Seriously, you mean so much to me and I'm so happy to know that the feeling is even vaguely mutual.

Still waiting for blood test results.  More on that when I get it...

The kitchen is, unfortunately, in a holding pattern.  All the cabinets, microwave and oven are in.  (We made brownies for our inaugural baking adventure!)  The counters were supposed to be delivered yesterday and they should have been done with everything by tomorrow.  But, apparently, the counter manufacturers "didn't have the materials" and didn't bother telling us when we put the order in two weeks ago and so we all sat around yesterday waiting for delivery when they said it would be ready.  It will be at least next Wednesday and possibly a week beyond that (because they can only deliver on Wednesdays for reasons unknown).  We're starting to put things away, but the lack of a sink is making me crazy.  We're looking into temporary possibilities before I lose my mind.  Things are looking absolutely gorgeous in there, though.  I'll post another update soon to help me remember that I'm happy with it and the delay isn't that big of a deal. 

I spent Tuesday morning throwing up.  And, despite the fact that I haven't done anything which leads to pregnancy since the lap (which was post multiple BFNs and AF) and am on BCP, part of me was totally convinced I might be pregnant (doesn't help that the BCPs are making me hormonal and causing painful bbs).  'Cause that's how an IFer's brain goes.  I'm not.  Just seems to have been a 24 hour bug.  I think my DH is getting it, now, because he has been in a rotten mood.

For some awesome news -- my Twinnie Erika just got a BFP from her second international IVF!!  She's been through some crazy, scary times leading up to this so she's cautiously optimistic and waiting for her second beta.  I am beyond excited for her and sending her all the positive thoughts I can!!  Please join me in doing so!

Meanwhile, thank you to Just Us  and Adventures in Babymaking for the awesome awards!! They have similar rules, so I'm going to combine them into one.

1. Thank and Link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to make them aware of the award!

7 Things About Me:
1.  I find it totally ironic that I got the Stylish blogger award because I am SO not a stylish person.  I try, really I do.  I try to at least not look like I'm totally out of date and what I'm wearing doesn't clash.  But, I suck at style.  I'd love to have style. 
2.  My favorite ice cream is peach.  Real peach.  Made with fresh peaches.  OMG.  Drooling here.
3.  My DH's birthday was yesterday.  That's not really about me, but it's a fun fact!
4.  My DH's stepdad is Japanese and, for the first time in 25 years, signed his birthday card with several lines of Japanese this year.  There was all sorts of intrigue on our side wondering if he was trying to tell him something that he didn't want DH's mother to know.  I got my friend to translate it and it basically says "Happy Birthday, I'll be thinking of you, say hi to Rebecca."  LOL.
5.  I love (simple) electrical circuits.  That's what my junior-level chemical instrumentation class is doing right now, and I don't know why but I find it exciting.  Op amps are my favorites.  My students possibly think I'm crazy because we're chemists, not physicists.  But, seriously, this part of the class is probably my favorite.  And, I am anything but an electronics expert -- I just like the logic of simple circuits. Yes, I am an über-geek.
6.  I saw Black Swan this past weekend.  It was awesome.  Creepy.  Scary.  Beautiful.  Awesome.
7.  I have some pretty serious coffee breath going on right now.  :)


The Blogs (in no particular order.)
AP at My Dusty Uterus
Jin at The Truth is Out There
Elaine at Storm in MY Tea CuP
The Infertile Gynecologist
Lex at Not Again
Danielle at Barricades and Brickwalls
Mama Biologist at DearFutureBaby
Gurlee at Infertility Musings
Jill at Infertility Unexplained
MBC at Missing Baby Carriage
TeamBabyCEO at Team Baby
Elizabeth at the deep breath before the plunge

And, that's not quite 15, but everyone else I can think of has been nominated, I think!

Blogoversary

A year ago today, I joined the world of blogging.  I decided to stop just being a commenter on the blogs of the five or six women I'd met on iVillage who blogged.  I decided I wanted my own little piece of the internet where I could share my feelings about infertility. 

I thought about the frustrations I'd already experienced after just 15 months of infertility and realized that if I didn't find a place to share it I was going to run down the hallways screaming. 

So, I took that first timid step.  I felt kind of silly admitting that I'd started a blog.  I didn't realize how excited I would be when my first few comments started coming in or when people started subscribing.  And, I didn't realize that a year later I'd still be that excited with every comment or new subscriber.

I had no idea what an impact this would have on my life.  I had no idea of the amazing women I would meet along the way.  I didn't know that this would be the place where I'd find the answers to questions I didn't even know I should be asking.  I didn't realize that these women would be the ones who would give me the confidence to question my doctors and do what I needed to do to take charge of my care.  I didn't realize that when I was in my worst moments of panic, anxiety and depression I would have a place to turn to where the support I needed would be waiting.  I didn't know that I'd find an entire community of women from around the world who were there to help me celebrate and there to help me mourn.  I didn't know that I'd find women whose lives I'd care about so much that I'd cry tears of joy and pain right along with them. 

Infertility and loss?  They suck.

They suck giant monkey balls, really.

The people I would have never met without infertility and loss?  They rock.

Really, really rock.

Love you all! Thank you for being there for me.

A new twist

A while back I mentioned that I have Raynaud's syndrome.  Essentially this is a circulation issue that causes the blood vessels in your extremities to constrict and your fingers and toes to turn white and blue when you're cold or anxious.  It comes in two main flavors:  primary and secondary.  Primary is Raynaud's with no other underlying cause.  Secondary is Raynaud's associated with some other reason -- usually autoimmune.  I've told various doctors about it over the years but none have thought there was a reason to test for any other autoimmune issues.  I mentioned it to Dr. Six after I miscarried (after I reacted badly to a drug they gave me after the miscarriage that is contra-indicated with Raynaud's) but she didn't think anything of it.  Generally it is just a nuisance in cold months or when my hands or feet get cold and I don't really notice it.

So, what's the new twist?  I'm an idiot.  With Raynaud's, you have to make sure that you stay warm to prevent flare-ups.  For me, I have to keep my chest warm and always wear mittens, socks, long underwear, etc. when it is even vaguely cold out.  About two months ago, I participated in an activity with my students that required me to wander around barefoot for a couple of hours (note that I NEVER am barefoot or wear flip-flops).  My feet were cold and numb and splotchy white, but I didn't think anything of it because, well, my feet are always cold and numb. (Stupid, stupid Rebecca.)

A few days later, I started to have a weird, sharp pain on the bottom of my big toe.  It was like there was a sore, but I couldn't see anything.  Over the next three weeks or so, I slowly started noticing two small purple discolorations under the surface of the skin.  It was incredibly painful.  A stabbing pain that would come and go.  But, it would get better sometimes.  And, well, I was too stupid to see someone about it.  Why?  Because my primary physician at this point is the doctor I went to when I was pregnant and I don't feel comfortable with him right now.  And, I felt kind of dumb.  So, I kept procrastinating.  And, I'd think "well, if it still hurts on day x, I'll go see the doctor."  And, on day x, it would be OK.  So I wouldn't call.  Then, two days later it would hurt again.  That cycle went on for a while.

I wondered if it had something to do with my walking around barefoot.  But, I thought maybe I got a weird infection or there was a tiny piece of glass in my toe or something like that.  Yeah, either of those things?  Go to the damn doctor.  Me?  Kept putting it off.

After the purple dots started to get darker and bigger, my DH was convinced it was a wart.  So, foolishly, I decided to treat it that way.  That wasn't a great plan.  Because, now?  Now I have an open sore on the bottom of my toe that won't heal.

So, Monday I finally decided to call the dermatologist and go in to get it looked at.  The doctor took one look at it and my purple, splotchy, cold feet and said "This is an ulcer from lack of blood flow from your Raynaud's.  It's not healing because of poor circulation to the site and there's a risk of secondary infection.  If this happens again, come in immediately."  (It's being treated now and should be fine -- I'm not losing a toe or anything!)  He then started to ask about other symptoms and my IF and my m/c and why no one had ever done an ANA (antinuclear antibody) test on me.  (Apparently primary Raynaud's is not likely to cause ulcers while secondary can if you're stupid enough to let yourself stay cold for that long.)

So he ordered an ANA test.  And the results were positive and, in his words, the titer was pretty high.  So, now we're doing further autoimmune tests.

Tests that I wanted done when I first miscarried.  But, since it was "only one" loss, no one thought it was worth it and they said my insurance wouldn't cover it.

What will it show?  No idea.  Could be nothing.  There is a portion of the population who just tests high for ANAs.  There are myriad autoimmune diseases that it could be -- from very mild to scary but I'm going to avoid thinking about those until I have more information.  There could be an IF and/or m/c component to it or it could have nothing to do with it.  I haven't talked to Dr. Smiles, yet, as I'm waiting for the results of the other tests.  My dermatologist was wonderful because he was incredibly sympathetic to the IF issues. He even knew Dr. Smiles and had great things to say about him.

So, anyway, there you go.  Sometimes doing something really stupid can help you find something that you've been wondering about.

Kitchen construction, Part 2

Hiya folks!  I'm loving what's happening in my kitchen!!


Here is what the walls looked like when they took down the cabinets and sad little formica backsplash. 

Apparently there was all sorts of liquid nail and other hard to remove glue behind it from various backsplashes that people have added over the years.  It was kind of nasty.  It took a long time for the workers to chisel off and then fix the plaster/add new drywall/re-mud, etc.

Here it is post-fix with lots of new power outlets.

We're kind of giddy about the power outlets and light switches.  We've possibly gone overboard but we figure that no one has ever used the phrase "I wish there were fewer power outlets here" and we've spent years saying "I wish there was more than one."   I'm so excited for the light switches -- we've added a three-way switch that makes me so happy.  We've spent many minutes turning it on and off saying "light goes on, light goes off" and taking pictures of ourselves next to it.  The previous set-up was just not logical.

Tuesday morning we found out that we had to have everything that wasn't going to be hidden by a cabinet painted by 8 am Wednesday because the cabinets were showing up!  So, from 2 pm to 2 am we primed and painted.  Well, my DH primed until I came home from work at 6 pm and then he continued to prime and I painted until midnight.  I was getting really loopy at that point and had to get up at 6 am for work, so I bowed out.  He kept going until 2 am.

It's virtually impossible to really communicate the color here.  It is called "herbal mist" and is a pale sage green.  I go back and forth, but I'm pretty sure I like it.  :)

Wednesday morning we were invaded by cardboard boxes of cabinets.  I have NO idea how it all fit in the house. 

I guess it didn't really, because our sun porch is full, too

I came home at lunch yesterday (because I seriously can't stay away from this -- I love to see how it's going) and saw this:

By the evening, we had this:

Again, really hard to see the color of either the walls or the cabinets (the cabinets are lighter than they look), but it is looking fabulous!! (At some point we will be replacing the doors on the front of the weird cabinet that is sticking out on the second picture so they match the new kitchen.)

I can't wait to see where we get to today!  More upper cabinets are going up and we should soon no longer see any white (which will make it look a lot more finished). 

I think that most everything will be done by Friday or Monday.  Unfortunately the counters can't be installed until next Wednesday (because apparently they only deliver them on Wednesdays).  We still will have to do floors after that point but we will have a functioning gorgeous kitchen!!! :)

The Two Month Wait

While waiting is sure to make me crazy, I admit that I do feel a small sense of relief that we are banned from trying for the next two months.  I mean, after nearly 2 1/2 years of focusing on pregnancy every single day, it's nice to think that I really can't for the next 56 days.  (Not that I'm counting or anything...)  It's only day two, though, so I'm trying to think of all the things I can do for the next two months that I've been denied or ignoring for the past two years.

• Drink.  Um, is it a problem that this is essentially the first thing that came to mind?  I mean, it's not like I'm a drunk or anything.  Pre-TTC I maybe had one drink a week.  And, it's not like I haven't indulged when AF is here since we've been TTC. But, somehow knowing that it doesn't make a damn bit of difference if I have a glass of wine makes me want to go out and get one.  Right now.  OK, maybe not right now.  I mean, it's 8:15 in the morning (or it was when I started this post...).  But you better believe I'll be imbibing at Happy Hour tonight!
• Consume mass quantities (of caffeine).  (I was watching an old SNL Coneheads sketch last night...) Guilt free!!  Yes, getting totally addicted to coffee again in the next two months isn't a great plan.  But, I don't care!!  A caffeinated Rebecca is a much perkier (ha!), happier, focused Rebecca.  I miss her.
• Indulge in the hot tub.  Can't wait until our next trip to a hotel with a hot tub.  I'm indulging and my DH will be so happy that he can, too.  He knows he'd feel my wrath if he boiled the boys right before a treatment cycle.  This first month, I'll let him indulge.  After that?  Keep 'em on ice, baby.  Of course, he did sit in the hot tub for a short time about a week before an IUI once and his count/motility/etc. were unchanged. (He is, after all, supersperm-man.)  But, that's not a risk I'm willing to take all the time!
• Sign off of FF.  OMG that was tough.  I've put my account on hold.  I felt like an addict flipping through old charts really quickly before signing out.  I'm not sure what I was looking for but I felt like I needed to see it all again one last time.  Yeah, my obsessive personality can be a problem sometimes.
• Put the thermometer away.  Well, after taking my BBT one last time.  I was curious this morning to see if taking my first BCP yesterday would provide enough progesterone for my BBT to go up as if I'd ovulated.  It did.  Kind of cool.  Of course, my body is all kinds of confused right now as it was gearing up to ovulate and now it just doesn't know what to think.  I've never started BCP mid-cycle before like this but that's what Dr. Smiles said to do. (He knew I was about to O and was desperately afraid I'd get pregnant -- seriously?  I guess it's a good thing that he thinks that way, I'm too jaded.  Not to mention that the thought of sex while healing from a lap is not even vaguely appealing.)  I don't know what I'm going to do for two months without taking my temperature every morning. I need a replacement.
• Discover a new hobby.  OK, so it's not like I was denied this before, but I need to find something new to obsess about.  My plan for the moment is to obsess over cooking -- obviously not for a few weeks until I have a kitchen and can eat something other than takeout and frozen dinners. But, what a perfect opportunity, right?  Brand new kitchen, brand new need for an obsession! I can't wait. 
• Exercise.  It's not like I haven't been allowed to exercise since we've been TTC, I just haven't really been doing it lately.  I've got to get over this hump.  This is a good opportunity to transfer my obsession to a new hobby.  (This feels suspiciously like a resolution, though, and I suck at keeping those.  So, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to get my lazy ass off of the sofa but I'm aiming at little steps here.)
• Throw myself into work.  My lack of pregnancy has sucked the life out of me at work for two years.  My DH and I had a really deep 1+ hour conversation about this the other day.  An amazing conversation.  The kind we don't have very often (my DH is not really a "sharer.")  I want to write more about this in another post because it was incredibly meaningful.  I need to be enthusiastic about work again.  So, that's what I'm going to do.  This will be a tough rut to get out of, but here goes nothing.
• Thrive on irony.  Taking BCP when TTC?  Too funny!  Taking BCP and pre-natal vitamins together every morning?  Hilarious!  Being the infertile girl having protected sex?  ROFLMAO!
• Reinvent my sex life.  Enough said.

Anyone have any other ideas?  

Post-op update

Just got back from Dr. Smiles. It was absolutely fascinating to watch the video of the surgery. It just astounds me that they are able to do complicated actions like that without directly seeing what they're doing. One of the most interesting was when they sew the stitches through the cut on my uterus and then pull them outside of my body to tie the knot and then push it all back inside again to tighten the knot.

So, here's the lowdown on the surgery (warning, this is long...)

I didn't get an exact measurement on the fibroid, but I'd guess it was about an inch or so? Not that big, but it actually looked pretty big in relationship to the size of my uterus. (How cool was it to see my inflated uterus bouncing around in my inflated abdomen? So very cool. I'm geeky that way.) It was pretty close to where the right tube connected, but no idea if it was causing issues there. It was really interesting to see the fibroid because it was a self-contained, smooth oval. Once he cut into the uterine wall, you could see it and then he was able to pull it out and only had to cut a few tendrils from one side. The cut looked pretty big across the uterus and pretty deep but didn't have to go all the way through the wall. He did say, though, that it was likely deep enough that he'd recommend a c-section instead of putting stress on the uterus for a vaginal birth. Which is unfortunate but I knew it was a probability.

He found endometriosis in a few places on the peritoneal wall (Stage I). He also found some endo in Allen-Masters windows which, I think, are little pockets that formed in the connective tissue? I'm not entirely sure about those -- I've looked up info about them, and I can't tell, really, if it's something you're born with or if it forms over time. He burned off the endo he found. It definitely wasn't a lot of endo, but he does think it was enough to be adding to my abdominal pain caused by the fibroid.

The "extra" tube was actually a paratubal cyst. When you see it on the video, it is a dangling piece of tube about 1/3 of the length of the fallopian tube and attached about halfway down the left fallopian tube. It had a spherical fluid-filled cyst on the end of it. It doesn't seem like it was anything that caused issues, just something random that doesn't need to be there. I asked him if it was what they were seeing when they saw "something" at the end of the left tube in the HSG, but he didn't really seem to think much of it. I wonder, though, since what Dr. Six was seeing was something stopping the dye and that would probably do it.

He also (very carefully) cut some adhesions between my uterus and colon. And, he took the time to explore my abdomen and look at all of the various organs. That was pretty neat to see. He said all my organs looked really good. No endo on them, and everything looked healthy.

I couldn't decide, from the conversations, if he does really think that the fibroid or the endo was having any impact on my fertility or not. When he was telling us that it was imperative for my uterus to heal for two months before we got pregnant and we said "we're really good at not getting pregnant" he looked stern and said "with the fibroid and endo gone, I don't think that's true anymore." So, that sounds like he thinks it might have. But, again, nothing he said seemed like it was a huge impact on fertility. Mostly just pain. Maybe I've just gotten cynical. No matter what, I'm glad I did the surgery.

Anyway, so he's got me on BCP for the next two months to make sure I don't get pregnant. It's funny to even imagine the possibility of getting pregnant accidentally at this point. Seriously? I mean, doesn't that involve having sex or something? My DH and I can't stop laughing about that. I'll take the pills, though. I hope they go easy on me. I'm not a fan. I anticipate some nasty migraines along the way.

After the two months, I'll call when I get AF and we'll set up a baseline scan for our first injectable IUI. Of course, two months from now is the worst possible timing because I have two conferences in March, so we might have to try on our own one month before we get to the IUI. I'm trying not to let my "time is zooming away!!!!" anxiety take over and just go with the flow.

I have another really long post brewing in my head, but this is already getting crazy, so I think I'll end here. Thanks for reading!

Construction chaos!

We interrupt this IF blog, to bring you progress reports on our kitchen.  Our contractor called last Monday to say he was ready to show up this Monday (yesterday) as opposed to two weeks later (like he first estimated).  Yay for getting started early, but cue a minor freakout as we realized we needed to empty the kitchen before they showed up.  Cue a larger freakout as we realized that I was about to be down for the count recovering from my lap.  

I spent most of my recovery feeling incredibly guilty that I had to just sit on the sofa watching my DH as he diligently packed up everything in the kitchen.  My sole contributions were wrapping a few boxes of breakables, emptying three drawers while sitting on a stool, taking all the pictures off the fridge and emptying the fridge.  I know there was nothing that could be done about it and it was just bad timing.  But, seriously, could there be anything that causes you more guilt than listening to your husband toiling away while you lie on the sofa in a vicodin haze watching Top Chef All Stars on your laptop because it is the only thing your brain can handle at the moment?  It doesn't help that my DH's "I'm stressed and anxious" attitude is the same as his "I'm annoyed at you" attitude.  So, while I know he understood and he told me to go lie back down when I tried to do anything, it was hard not to feel like he was frustrated with me.  He wasn't, though I'm sure he was frustrated with the situation.  Anyway, I owe him big time when all this is done.

We have a small-ish closed-in kitchen with about two feet total of counter space and original 1950's plywood cabinets.  Honestly, it's in decent shape (though incredibly unattractive with most of the storage really difficult to access) and we could have just painted.  But... I desperately want a dishwasher and the only way to do that and not lose all of our storage was a major overhaul.  So, we decided to save up and just go for it and tear the whole thing out and start over again  My DH designed and re-designed the layout.  We spent about a year watching prices and gathering appliances on clearance so we've ended up with some really nice appliances for about half of their original prices (they've been hanging out in our dining room).  We went through about five different possibilities of cabinets before we found ones that we liked that were vaguely affordable.  We're losing the "eat-in" part of our kitchen by adding a wall oven and two pantry cabinets (YAYAYAYAY!!!) so we're putting in a look-through into the dining room, and adding a bar. We thought about cutting out the wall altogether and putting in a peninsula but we decided we didn't want to lose the upper cabinets and we're adding some on the other side of the wall, too.

I don't have the pictures on this computer of our kitchen when we were actually using it, but here's a shot of the clean-up in progress. 

Here's the kitchen in the morning before the reno crew showed up yesterday with the fridge moved out to the sun-porch.  I can't believe how much my DH did.  His back is killing him.

It looks so much bigger with nothing on the countertops and with the fridge gone.  The black thing on the lower left is the bane of my cooking existence -- a stove with only two working burners.  My DH has never understood why that was so annoying. 

I went to work to teach my first class yesterday and spent about 3 hours working afterward before I realized I couldn't sit up straight at my desk anymore.  So, having no labs this first week, I decided to work at home for the rest of the day.  When I came home, this is what I saw:

Isn't that incredible?  Guess there's no turning back, now!!

Here's the beginning of the look-through.  They've since cut out the studs and are working on electrical today.

The stove is going to be in front of the look-through.  While there will be a microwave at eye level above the stove, the fact that we'll have light coming in through the windows in the dining room into the kitchen is just making me go "yippee!"  

Here's our temporary "kitchenette" in the corner of the living room:

Man, I really hope this does only take the 2-3 weeks they're estimating.  There's only so much take-out and washing dishes in the bathtub and paper plates I can handle... 

My house is utter chaos, but I'm so excited!!  Can't wait!

Oh, and an update on me while we're at it -- I'm feeling pretty good.  Still flashes of pain occasionally, and I still need to take ibuprofen and waddle when I walk, but I'm doing pretty well.  Today I didn't have classes or labs and there's 5 inches of snow on the ground so I decided to work from home. (At the moment I appear to be blogging from home...)  I'm hiding in the downstairs den listening to the saw behind me.  Tomorrow will be my first "full" day back.  Thursday is my follow-up appointment, so I'll have more details about the lap then.  Thanks to all of you for the comments the past few posts!!  You make me smile when I'm feeling down.