Guess it's time to start cycle 20. AF just showed up. I had a lovely cry in the bathroom stall. I hate when I let myself get excited about a cycle because it makes it suck even more when it all comes crashing down.
I know this goes without saying, but I just hate this so much. There's a part of me that keeps thinking -- well, I've surely paid my dues by now and this cycle will be the one, right? I think that's what's become more disappointing each cycle than anything else -- I don't understand how it hasn't happened, yet. It's very hard to admit to yourself, no matter how long you've been trying, that you're one of "those people" who it may never happen for. Somehow you feel like you've been "playing" at IF long enough to get some street cred and it's time to move on. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.
I haven't given up hope, but I'm just starting to feel a little beat down.
I have no idea what comes next. The timing for cycle 20 will either work perfectly or not at all. If I do femara again, I'll either be ready for an IUI the day before we leave for my stepdad's birthday party or while we're out of town. So, I'm trying to decide if it is worth doing a medicated cycle in the hopes that we might do an IUI (knowing we could switch to a trigger and timed BD'ing if the timing doesn't work). Or, should I just take a month off of the meds? Part of me doesn't want to miss a month -- I know it's really negative, but I feel like I'm just biding my time with these femara-IUIs until my RE finally thinks I've tried it enough times and she lets me move on. I guess I need to talk with my DH and see what he thinks about making an appointment to talk with the RE and see where we go from here.
Thanks, ladies, for all of your support. The only thing that has kept me from becoming a depressed pile of Rebecca goo over the past 19 cycles has been all of you.
Oh, Rebecca. I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I just wish I could give you a huge hug right now and cry with you. You don't deserve this.
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Effff. I'm sorry for the BFN. Total, complete suckage.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about having been through enough that you finally get your BFP. Like it is some sort of game, after x IUIs and x IVFs, finally I will be rewarded! If it only worked that way...
Crap! I'm sorry hon {{{HUGS}}} GL deciding on the next cycle. It's so hard when there aren't any "right" answers =(
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Rebecca!! I wish you the best with deciding how to proceed this cycle!!! I am thinking of you!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry honey!! Looks like we'll be cycle buddies again this go around....
ReplyDeleteAs far as the month off, I will say that as sad as I was to have to do it - it was REALLY good for me. But then again, you don't need the progesterone detox so you might not have the crazies the way I do! Whatever you decide will be the right way to go (helpful, huh).
Oh, no:((( I am so sorry, Sweetie:(
ReplyDeleteThe decision is not easy. I hate to sit out months, because it feels I am wasting precious time and lock myself in the hamster wheel for longer. However, a month off meds also have its benefits, so I think either way you will make a good decision.
I am sorry it has to be yet another cycle, but I am crossing my everything that this one will bring that BFP!!! I am here cheering you on, Twinnie!
I hate this for you. It's amazing how close these blogs bring us to other women going through the same thing... Hopefully you're RE will be willing to let you go to the next step, whatever that may be for you.
ReplyDeletegiant (((HUGS))) Rebecca!!!! I'm so sorry!! I agree that a month off might not be a bad idea. it worked wonders for me psychologically to take some "drug free" time. whatever you decide, we're right beside you every step of the way!
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