Better

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. It made me feel so much better to have other people who understand and share my righteous indignation! My DH didn't get it when I called him and just couldn't understand why it made me so sad. I keep going back and forth between OK and sad about it. I think the worst of it is that this second baby will, once again, see my parents as her pseudo-grandparents since her actual grandparents live a state or two away.

I haven't really talked with my mother about it -- we've been talking all week, but I've been too afraid to mention it. I'm afraid I'm going to break down. Maybe that would be a good thing, but lately I've just been trying to keep it together and I'm afraid what will happen if I completely open up. I'm leaving tomorrow morning to go back home and I don't see talking about it before then. I'm sure my mother doesn't remember that she never told me that they were expecting again. So, I feel like I would make her hurt more and that makes me feel worse. This doesn't feel like the best solution on my part -- I'm big on ignoring things and hoping they'll go away -- but I can't really do much else right now.

Things have been better since then. The next two nights were all adult events. Sometimes it's just nice to have grown-up conversations that don't revolve around chasing kids and pregnancies.

Today my mother's close friend (one of my favorite people) came over with my mother's other pseudo grandchild. My mother's friend (who has essentialy adopted the little boy's mother) even refered to my mom as "Grandma P" and my step-dad as "Grandpa S" when she was talking to him about them. That broke my heart a little. This little boy, though, could break through the worst mood and the worst jealousy. He is about 2 1/2 and must be the happiest, funniest, most adorable child I've ever met. We played on the iPad together for a while (he was fascinated and figured the whole thing out within 2 minutes) and I just couldn't stop laughing. He made me smile and I needed a kid to remind me that I do still love other people's children and I don't need to feel like I can't interact with them because I'm the "infertile" in the room.

Tomorrow (OK, today by the time you read this most likely) is my birthday. I've always been one of those weird people who actually looks forward to getting older. I think I feel like I get more authority or something? No idea. Anyway, I'm happy to turn 36. I'm not where I thought I would be but I'm ready to move forward with a new year. I feel like the combination of birthday and new year gives me a doubly clean slate to work with. This year has had some amazing highs and lows, but it is time to move on.

To everyone, I hope that 2011 brings you all much joy and happiness. I can't tell you how much you've meant to me over the past year. For all the pain and stress that 2010 has brought, one of the biggest bright spots has been becoming part of this bloggy community. I don't know where I'd be without you!

Can't wait to go home and hug my husband and my kitty.

(I'm going to stop now before the "sappiness" factor explodes...)