Due

Today is the day I should have been "due."  I've gone through so many emotions leading up to today.  I've been terrified of this day coming.  I've been nervous thinking how I'd feel if it finally came and I wasn't pregnant again.  But mostly I think I've looked forward to having this day behind me. 

How do I feel today? 

I feel loved.  When I cried to my DH last night and I reminded him that this was supposed to be our EDD, he held me and said "we'll have another one."  I wish I could be so confident but his positive attitude and his love are the things that will get me through this.

I feel disappointed.  When I first miscarried, I really thought that I would be pregnant again by the time I was due.  I couldn't imagine going through another 7 months without getting pregnant.  I read blogs where those who miscarried passed their due dates and said something like "it is with mixed feelings that I say goodbye to my lost baby and love the one growing now" that I almost had the post composed in my head.  I hoped I'd be one of those lucky ones.  I'm not sure why I thought pregnancy would cure infertility, but it didn't.  We're still infertile.  It's still hard for us to get pregnant. 

I feel a renewed sense of focus.  I've realized over the past month that I have been doing just enough to get by at work and in life for the past year or so.  I need to refocus.  It will be a while before we're able to focus on treatments, again, and I need to remember why I used to love my job.  I need to refocus on my house and my relationship.  All last semester I kept thinking "I wasn't supposed to be working next semester."  Well, "next semester" starts in three days and I AM working.  My students and colleagues deserve for me to be not only physically but mentally present. 

I feel distracted.  Having my surgery so close to my EDD was a good thing.  It's been very good to have something else to focus on that feels like it is helping us move forward.  For the past 7 months, I've felt like we were going nowhere fast.  Today, while we are now on hold from treatment as my uterus heals, at least I feel like we've done something useful.  As I camp out on the sofa cradling my aching, bloated abdomen whenever I turn, the pain feels good, somehow.

I feel hopeful and determined.  Once I heal, we are going at this with guns blazing.  Whether it is injectable IUI or IVF I'm not sure right now.  But, I know that we are pulling out the big boys.  I'm tired of pussy-footing around.  I'm tired of wasting time.  I will no longer apologize for wanting to move forward.  It's time.  I'm not getting any younger and our chances aren't getting any better.  The surgery may have taken care of a few of the issues we had, but our chances on our own still aren't great.  I'm becoming my own advocate and we're trying our best.

I feel jealous.  I admit it.  I feel incredibly jealous of those who are pregnant or have given birth.  I love you all and am so happy for you.  I know what you've been through to get here.  But, the jealousy is there and I can't ignore it. 

I feel sad.  I miss my spider baby and will never forget him.  I think about him a lot and imagine how different our lives would have been if he had been able to stay around.  Sometimes the sadness is overwhelming.  At the same time, I'm having a hard time remembering what it felt like to have him with me. It's hard to even imagine having made it all the way through the pregnancy.  It feels like it was a lost moment in time. 

I feel lucky to have been there for a while, though. I'm ready to get back there.  I feel like we are ready to try our best to make it happen.