Feeling antsy

Things on my mind:

• Counting down the days of BCPs.  I start the second pack on Thursday and my BCP-induced AF has been a real bitch.  Painful, migraine-ful, heavy.  I hate how I feel on the stupid pills but I hate how I feel off of them more.  I just want to move on.
• I did enjoy the strange look I got from the pharmacist when I bought a pack of BCP and prenatal vitamins together.  That and the "AF special" (chocolate, potato chips, heat packs, ibuprofen).
• Does anyone else find the ads for "beyaz" annoying?  BCP and folic acid in one!  "Folic acid is known to help prevent birth defects when taken at the time of conception and will even work for a few months after taking it."  Yes, women of reproductive age should take folic acid.  But, hey, this way if you are one of those lucky few who get pregnant immediately after stopping BCP (or even on it) then you're covered, too!  I mean, I started taking prenatal vitamins three months before I got off of BCP (you know, because surely I'd get pregnant the first try) but somehow these ads piss me off.
• My addiction to fertility friend has been hard to break.  I have had the hardest time not recording information about AF anywhere.  I will stop and think "oh, today starts spotting" or "hm, I need to put down that I got a headache today" and realize it truly doesn't matter and there's nowhere to put it! 
• I decided not to go to one of the conferences I was supposed to go to in March and I think we're not going to travel too far for spring break, either.  Mostly I just really don't want to go -- when I had an epiphany in the middle of the night that I didn't have to go, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders.  I'll admit, though, that part of me didn't want to do it because it would mean putting off getting back to treatments another month.  And, who knows what will happen with that, anyway, but I am just feeling so antsy about getting back to it.  I'm afraid I'm putting too much hope on this first inject-IUI. 
• BCPs really do make me overly emotional.  About two weeks ago, I found out my DH's old, beat-up 1987 ugly brown car finally had to be scrapped and I couldn't stop crying.  I hate that car!  And, yet, the thought of it getting sent to the junkyard just killed me.  I don't even know why.  It's still making me sad. And, it's not as if we have to put money out to get another one -- it was a "spare" car.  I don't know.  It's pitiful.  My DH was trying desperately not to laugh at me.
• I'm getting really tired of the snow and cold! The high is in the single digits today.  This is about 30 degrees below normal.At least it is sunny.  Thank goodness it is supposed to be in the 30s this weekend.
• Lots of new BFPs out there in IF blogworld.  It's wonderful.  But, I will admit that I am terribly jealous.
• I was doing fine and hadn't really been thinking about my m/c until my friend D kept pushing pictures of her new nephew (born Saturday about two weeks late) in my face at her house during the Superbowl saying "Rebecca will want to see this."  Very cute kid but, you know what, I really didn't. The one of the "happy family" sucked the life out of me.  And then, all of the sudden, I flashed back to finding out her SIL was pregnant (for the fourth time in about 5 or 6 years) right around the time I miscarried and knowing that she was due just a few weeks after I was and then thinking how unfair it was that she got to make it all the way through her pregnancy and I didn't.  I certainly don't mean I wish a m/c on her, it is purely envy at what I couldn't have.  I can't wrap my head around the idea that you could, for the fourth time, get pregnant easily and then just *know* that you'd have no problem staying that way so it was fine to announce it to everyone when you were only 8 weeks pregnant.  And, your biggest disappointment during your pregnancy?  Finding out it is yet another boy.   It just made me sad.  
• I've been feeling really old lately.  This year is my 20th high school reunion and that is just insane.  I keep finding gray hairs (I was very lucky that I didn't find my first until last year) and I'm just feeling down about it.  No real reason and I honestly don't care about the gray, it's just a reminder.  My friend H (who got pregnant accidentally and is raising her 4 1/2 year old daughter (who I love to pieces) mostly on her own) told me that, at 37, she's the "old mom" at her daughter's day care.  I think it was meant to be a hint.  But, yeah, it just made me feel even older.  Yeah 36 isn't that old, I realize this.  But it certainly feels that way.
• I'm getting so tired of eating frozen meals and takeout.  My DH is optimistic that the counters will come this week.  I'm not at all.  I think next week seems much more realistic.  If they do come, I don't know if our contractors can even come and finish since they've started a new job.  My IF pessimism is coming in handy -- I assume it won't work out and I am willing to be pleasantly surprised.  My DH's optimism keeps saying that it will work out and he keeps getting disappointed.  I think my way works better.

There's more, I think.  But, this is getting whiny and depressing so I'm going to stop.  Blech.