BLAH

I just feel so BLAH.

Our summer session has started up and my stress levels are high. I'm not teaching this summer, but I'm working with the summer program I worked with last year. The students started arriving on Thursday and we've been busy with them all weekend. I have one part-time research student for the summer who is getting started, too. I'm just having a really hard time getting movitated to get her going.

My DH really wants to travel a bit and I do, too. I'm anxious to get out of town for a few days. And, theoretically, I should be able to. But, I can't seem to let myself. I know that if I left I'd feel better and probably would come back able to focus a little more. But, right now I feel like I can't leave. I don't know why -- last summer, when I was teaching the class that is part of this program, the other two faculty involved were gone ALL the time. It's just not how I'm programmed.

I think my problem right now is that I keep flashing back to last summer and it sucks. Everything we do with these students reminds me of what we did last year. We checked them in -- I thought of checking them in last year. We had s'mores -- I thought of having s'mores last year. And, each one of those steps reminds me of being pregnant last year at this time. And, I'm just counting down the days until each day reminds me of miscarrying. I wish I could get it out of my head, but I can't seem to right now. I guess I was just so sure that I wouldn't make it to this anniversary without having moved forward. But, nothing has changed, really.

It's not helping that we're doing "nothing" right now. And, I can't even get myself excited about trying naturally this cycle. Not sure if there's even a point. Not sure *what* my body will do this month. Will I even ovulate with all those cysts?

My appointment with Dr. Smiles is Friday but I really don't know what I'm expecting to get out of it. I feel like he'll want us to try at least one more injectable IUI. My problem with that is all timing. By the time this cycle is over (assuming the cysts are gone), it will be the end of June/beginning of July. That's the halfway point for summer break. So, then the cycle will take a month and, if it fails (which I just assume it will because I'm in a particularly pessimistic place right now), I'll likely end up with cysts and have another canceled month. So, then, by the time we start back up again, it will be the end of August and time for the semester to start. My "break" where my time is flexible will be gone. And, suddenly, I'll have to be planning whirlwind, rushed trips to the RE again. If we decide to do IVF at that point? I have NO idea how I'll manage it because my schedule next semester is really tight.

But, it's not like I really want to "rush" to IVF, either. Cost is going to be a big factor. At the same time, I feel like we're throwing money at IUI that might be better spent with IVF if it is likely to be more successful. We have money set aside and my DH's father wants to give us some money, too. But, I know that my DH is really freaked out about the cost vs. risk thing here. We don't know what this RE's program will cost and we don't know if they have a shared risk program. If they don't, then he's probably going to push for us to go to the program in Iowa that we looked at last summer. If we do that, we're probably another 3 months from getting started, anyway.

I really don't know. I think it's why I've been feeling so "blah." I just can't get excited about any possible step right now.

Meanwhile, I'll just sit here and listen to the cicadas calling. It's loud but beautiful.