Breathe in, breathe out. Remember the big picture.

Number 1 -- I need a button to wear from 11 DPO through CD1 that says "Hello, my name is Rebecca.  I am currently experiencing PMS.  Please do not have any deep, emotional, life-changing discussions with me right now.  Give me a few days."  (OK, that would either be a really big button or have really, really tiny type.)

Number 2 -- What the hell would I do without you guys?  I wish I could figure out a useful way to really respond to every single one of you and tell you how much you mean to me.  You're amazing, you're wonderful.  You make me feel like I'm NOT insane.  You somehow make my brain go from "it's all too much and I'm spinning out of control" to "this is perfectly normal, it sucks, but that's how it is, there are logical, positive ways to think about this."  You bring me back to reality and away from the ledge.  When I put things out there I never expect to get such well thought out, personal responses.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you write.  You give me things to think about.

Number 3 -- Breathing is useful.  I need to remember to BREATHE!   I need to remember to enjoy my time off from teaching this summer and enjoy my husband.  Somehow I've gotten it into my head that I need to rush, rush, rush.  And, all that's doing is making it all seem even more stressful and worse.  I'd been so determined that we needed to get in as much treatment as possible this summer that I was making us have to decide RIGHT NOW which was making us both feel SO rushed and SO stressed that we were pretty much guaranteed to crash and burn.  It made any little difference of opinion that much worse.

Number 4 -- The big picture.  I've given myself an artificial timeline and that's just silly.  Look at the forest not the trees, people!!!  Yes, having IVF over the summer would make scheduling appointments easier.  But, if forcing it to happen over the summer actually makes my life MORE difficult then we're not helping anyone, are we?

Number 5 -- I need to remember that I can adapt.  That I deserve to focus on me during the academic year.  That I can pre-record some lectures in the Smart Classroom I'm teaching in and take advantage of some on-line resources.  (The thought of that makes me feel a little icky because my teaching style is to interact, but it is "doable" for a few lectures.)  That I can work with my colleagues as substitutes and adapt my teaching style.  That I work in the world's most family-friendly department where I'm the ONLY one without kids.  If I told them why I needed to take a few days off here and there, they'd jump at the chance to help.  (That doesn't mean I'm excited about sharing this with them, but I need to get over that.)  I'd be there if they needed help, so I shouldn't feel ashamed to ask for help.  I need to remember that when I DON'T focus on myself under the guise of "being professional" I end up getting less accomplished and being less effective. 

Number 6 -- I need to trust my husband.  He needed to get some things out and he needed some time to think things through.  He went to Iowa and talked to his cousin.  Turns out they used IUI for both of their children.  Somehow that made it more "OK" for him to think about IVF and stop doing IUI.  (Don't ask me what the logic is of that.)  He stopped by the clinic in Iowa and chatted with the doctor -- he gave him a brief summary of what we've done and the doctor thought IVF might be good and sooner rather than later.  A quick second opinion helped him.  He needed a non-hormonal wife to discuss it all with. I asked him how he "felt" about IVF now (as opposed to Sunday when he wanted nothing to do with it for at least six months).  He said he'd had a few more days to think about it and look at some numbers and he was feeling like it was the right thing to do.

Number 7 -- We took a spontaneous overnight trip on Tuesday night (see, these are the times/things that we used to enjoy that I"m supposed to be enjoying this summer) that gave us some driving time to talk it all through in a reasonable manner.  I forget how many details I know about what we've done and how little he remembers.  He sat next to me as I drove and had me go through every single cycle we've done in the past (nearly) three years so he could write it all out.  (It scares me that I know by heart every single one and their exact order.)  I think he needed to really see how much we've gone through.  We started talking about the logistics of the possible combinations of "where we go next" with IVF -- Dr. Smiles and/or Iowa. 

Number 8 -- Logically, Iowa makes the most sense.  Their shared risk program is a "one fresh plus one frozen" cycle at a time thing.  No commitment for 3 cycles and the cost, if successful, is really only about $3000 more per cycle than without the shared risk at their clinic (but about $7000 more than at Dr. Smiles').  If pregnant within cycle 1, it would cost about $19,000 (if not pregnant it's about $5000 a cycle plus a one-time $1600 fee).   We could afford to do two complete (fresh + frozen) cycles and get pregnant there (it would be about $24,000 total if we were successful and $11,000 total if we weren't after two fresh/two frozen).  We might be able to push to a third cycle if we saved some more ($29,000-ish, total).  But, Iowa involves a huge time/travel/stress commitment.

Number 9 -- Emotion trumps logic.  (For now at least.)  Two fresh cycles with Dr. Smiles is also about $24,000.  There are no "free" frozen cycles with Dr. Smiles -- they're about $2000 each.  A third fresh cycle would push us to $36,000.  That third cycle isn't possible monetarily right now.  And, emotionally might be tough for us to accept.  Right now I just want the ability to be able to say we can do a second fresh cycle if we need to.  I realize the probabilities of it working the first time are lower -- I want to be able to have that back up.  And, my emotional instinct says I want to work with Dr. Smiles.  It's a combination of the fact that I like and trust him and his staff and that traveling the 3 hours round trip will be tough during the semester but doable while going to Iowa will involve overnight trips multiple times and stress me out.  And, I'm not sure that this is really "emotion" over "logic."  It's just what will make me feel the best and it isn't entirely illogical.  And, my DH seems to be OK with that.

Number 10 -- I have no idea why I'm writing "Number xx" for these.  It just came out when I opened the window and now I can't stop.

Number 11 -- When I stopped thinking we needed to start RIGHT NOW and started to think "hey, maybe it would be nice to enjoy the rest of the summer and try a few months on our own" my entire body relaxed.  I started to see the sun and enjoy the breeze.  I felt like I could skip.  I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders and the clouds cleared.  Angels started to sing.  Birds landed on my shoulders.  (OK, I may be pushing this a bit...)  But, seriously, when I stopped trying to force it to happen during the summer, I felt "possibility" open up.  We walked around the state capitol yesterday and ate lunch out and it was beautiful and fun and relaxing and it made me happy.  I came back and took pictures of my summer students rappelling and it made me happy.  Who knew there were things that could make me happy?!

Number 12 -- So, that's what we're going to do.  I called Dr. Smiles office and we're planning on a late October/early November IVF cycle.  Because my cycle starts late in the month, we'll be doing initial testing/scanning/schedule-making when I get AF in August and may likely have to be on BCP through September in preparation.  So, we've got about two more tries on our own.  We were hoping for three, but two is OK.  It's a compromise that we're actually both happy with. 

Number 13 -- Meanwhile, we're going to travel to visit friends we've neglected over the past two years.  We're going to "relax" and see what happens (you know, while temping and peeing on OPKs).  I'm going to attempt to get my ass in shape -- or at least be able to walk up the stairs without passing out.  I'm going to continue enjoying to cook in my new kitchen (since I've apparently only been whining this summer, I haven't been sharing about the incredible food I've been making lately and how happy it has made me).  I'm going to drink coffee when I want it and not feel guilty.  I'm going to have an occasional alcoholic beverage.  We're going to remember how incredibly lucky we are to have flexible schedules in the summer and take advantage of them.  (We're going to hope that this is the last time we can be this spontaneous without having to think about our kid(s).)  I'm going to get back to work and remember that I used to actually like my job.

Number 14 -- And, you know what?  If I DON'T do all those things and all I really do over the next month or so is sit on my ass in front of the TV doing a puzzle then I'm not going to beat myself up. 

Number 15 -- Breathe in, breathe out.  Remember the big picture.  That's my new mantra.