We need to make a decision

Hi everyone!

Thanks for all your comments on my "blah" post. I'm still in a sort of "blah" mode, but feeling a little more positive, I think. I'm having the hardest time coming up with things to blog about lately. Just feeling like I don't have much to say. (Which will totally be negated by this post because I now have a lot to say.)

We did end up going out of town for a day. It was so nice to get away and be in a hotel for a night. Sometimes I just need to be somewhere different, you know? We were able to relax, hang out in the pool, shop a bit and relax (I guess I said that already, but it's doubly true!)

We had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. They have a seasonal menu with locally grown food and I love the fact that I never know what special vegetarian entree they'll have. It's always SO good. We always check out the dessert counter before we are seated because they have a bakery as well and their desserts are incredible. So, we had incredible food and then an awesome rhubarb crisp. Making me drool just thinking about it all!

Anyway, the real point of all of this is that Friday we went to our consultation appointment with Dr. Smiles. He was running almost an hour behind so we sat in the waiting room for a while. At one point, a couple came in with 19-month-old twins and said they wanted to show them off to Dr. Smiles and the embryologist. It turns out they had been trying for 17 years (SEVENTEEN YEARS) and got pregnant through IVF with Dr. Smiles. Usually, I hate seeing babies at the RE's office, but this was really touching. These kids were adorable and sweet and Dr. Smiles came out and was so happy to see them. The nurses were so excited and the embryologist was, too. They said to their kids "she made you!" And I almost started to cry in a totally different way than I expected to. The embryologist (who they called "The Mixmaster" and who I will never be able to think of any other way again) is 9 months pregnant with her first. Dr. Smiles' wife just had a baby by IVF (their fourth IVF after years of secondary IF and 5 miscarriages). It was beautiful and touching. I was surprised by my reaction. It actually made me feel happy and inspired -- which is unusual for me.

We talked for a while with Dr. Smiles about our past cycles and next steps. He said "there are three things needed for a successful pregnancy -- good sperm, good eggs and a good uterus. I'm sure you have good sperm, after the lap, I'm sure you have a good uterus and tubes. We just don't know about the eggs." He's happy with how my IUI cycles have gone. And, it was good to know that he, too, was a little nervous the last time about triplet possibilities but he factored in my age before allowing us to go forward. It's nice to know that he tweaks drug amounts, etc. and actually thinks about each patient. I really do feel like he cares about us even if we're only one couple among hundreds.

So, essentially, it's time to make a decision. He wasn't pushing IVF and does think we could be successful with IUI. But, he also thinks IVF might be a good way to go. It's also tough for us to continue putting $2000 a month into something that has a poor success rate and, at the same time, has higher risk. I respond really well to the meds -- that's a good thing and makes him feel like he could get lots of eggs if we did IVF. He thinks, with quality embryos, we'd have an excellent chance at IVF working with either a fresh cycle or FET. But, we have no idea what my eggs really look like.

And, I talked to him about my timing worries -- essentially we have to accept that we will only ever be able to cycle every other month. And, he understands my stress about the school year starting. He thinks that we could possibly get into a July IVF cycle and, if not, definitely August. Either would give us a chance to get an entire cycle in before the school year starts. That would be ideal.

We also talked with the finance person. Basically, their cycles are about $9200 plus meds (estimated around $2500). Any FETs are about $2000. They don't have a shared risk or warranty plan. That's what we're going to have to compare to the Iowa program (Carpenter asked where it was -- it is the University of Iowa program). I know my DH is hesitant about NOT going with a shared risk program. But, personally, I'd really rather stay where we are. I like Dr. Smiles and his staff. I trust Dr. Smiles and his staff. I would only have to drive 3 hours round trip not 6 hours. If we decide to do IVF, we'd get in before the summer ends. I'm guessing it will take two months to even get an appointment at the other clinic -- I'd probably have to take two weeks off of work if we cycled in Iowa during the school year. That's REALLY not practical.

(One random thing to consider -- it appears the embryologist is about to go on maternity leave!! I assume they've got someone else to cover, but that is a little scary.)

I think my DH would be fine with just continuing IUI. Part of me is, too. But, part of me finds it scary and risky with very little probability of reward. It's "easy," though, you know? He said something about doing it three more times (knowing that would take us 6 months) because the statistics say that it has a decent chance of working at that point. But, it also has a decent chance of not working and then we're out another $6000 that could have gone toward IVF which might even tell us that I have crap eggs and this whole thing was a waste.

I don't know, I think I'm kind of babbling. My thoughts are not organized at all. I just keep going back and forth. We need to look at the "Iowa Warranty" program at the UI again and think about timing and make some decisions.

I feel like I'm ready to move on. I also feel scared shitless to do so.