Parental anxiety

Hi folks.  How's it going?  It's Rebecca the somewhat silent here.  I don't know what's been up lately, but I really can't seem to come up with much to say.  I guess it's partly the whole "trying naturally" thing.  There's just not much to share IF-wise.  It's also a general sense of "blah" I've had all summer long.  There's really just not much to share "life-wise" either.

Here's my summer:  I get up each day, work with my research student, attempt to get something accomplished with the rest of my work that I have no motivation to do, have a meeting or two about my summer program, go home, stare at the walls or the TV, go to bed and fight sleep and then do it all again.  I'm exhausted all the time and don't seem to be able to get any useful rest.

If I look at myself objectively, I'm probably depressed. 

Lately, I'm anxious, too.  My mother started pushing about two weeks ago to come visit or to have me come visit her.  I feel horrible about this, but I really have no desire to do it.  I love my mother.  And, we used to be incredibly close.  Best friend close.  Often unhealthily close -- she indulged my anxious, crying state too much and let me cling to "childhood" for way too long.  My being in a stable, happy relationship has been hard on her.  She's no longer my "go to" person. She's not the one I cry to and not the one I crow to.

I wish we lived closer.  Then we could attempt to have a stable relationship that involved getting together every other week or so and not feeling like we were drifting apart and that the few times a year that we do get together have to be significant and intense and activity filled. 

And, of course, this all seems to come back to IF.  I know that part of the problem is that for the last three years or so I haven't really shared with her what is going on in my life.  I know she misses it and, at first, I did, too.  But, somewhere along the line I realized that I just really didn't want to share this with her.  She is a wonderful person and wonderful mother but she tends to be over-sympathetic when it comes to me (when I'm in pain she is, too) and it often makes me feel worse.  On the other hand, she's also a huge Pollyanna and I just can't deal with the "it'll all work someday" attitude right now.  I can only keep going if I accept that it might not work.  Even my ever-positive husband has finally transitioned to the "this might not work" attitude and that's a good thing.

I guess the real problem is that there isn't much going on in my life that isn't work or IF-related right now and I don't want to talk to her about it.  I don't want her to know where I am in a cycle and have to tell her how things worked or didn't.  I will tell her that we're starting IVF in the fall, but I have to also communicate to her that I don't want her to know when exactly.  I know it will upset her and she'll worry (she gets upset if she hears I'm on a trip and doesn't know when I got back home -- despite the fact that on a normal day when I'm not traveling she has no idea where I am at any given moment).  But, the truth is, if it doesn't work, I don't want to have her waiting by the phone for me to tell her.  Sure, it would be extra support, but I just don't want it.  I feel like the only sense of "normalcy" that is left for us with TTC is the fact that this is private between my husband and me.

(The irony of saying that while writing a long, public blog post about it to "strangers" is not lost on me.)

I didn't tell her we were struggling with TTC until after about 13 months and a few medicated cycles.  We didn't talk about it much after that.  I didn't tell her I was pregnant until after we'd seen the heartbeat at 7 weeks.  She was so excited and so positive everything would work out.  When I miscarried, I almost couldn't bear telling her.  She was so disappointed and upset.  We've talked a little about it all here and there since then, but I can't do it.  I truly don't have anything to say.  When we talk on the phone, everything is kind of on the surface -- she tells me about all the people she knows who are sick and I tell her about all the dumb things I've managed to do to myself (broken bones, rashes, etc.) 

And, so our once unhealthy too close relationship is now turning into an unhealthy too distant relationship.  It's not good and I really should do something about it.  I should make an effort.  I should let her come up to visit (but the time she is pushing to come is the only week I have "free" in August with no obligations at school (except prepping for a work trip) and no travel for work or other things and I really don't want to schedule something then).  I should go down there.  I should revel in the fact that I am so lucky to have such a caring, wonderful, non-critical mother who loves me and wants nothing more than to spend some time with me.

But, I can't seem to do it. And, instead, I've been anxious and upset about it for two weeks and avoiding talking to her.  So I finally "officially" told her that this August is just not a good time to visit and I felt like crap because I could hear in her voice that it upset her (although she would never say anything about it because she always acts like I can do no wrong -- even when I am obviously doing wrong).

And, I still feel like crap.  But I just can't do it right now.  If she comes up here, there's nothing to do but talk -- there's nothing else going on around here.  And I just don't want to talk.  I really don't.