Lightning doesn't strike twice

Well, no luck. It's time to move on.

I'm waiting for the call back from the IVF coordinator to get meds ordered and figure out our schedule. If all goes as planned, ER is scheduled for the first week of October. Just a month away.

And, just in time for our third anniversary -- both of TTC and our marriage on October 11th.

I'm not sure of the specific protocol, yet. But, I'm anxiously awaiting it.

I'm alternating between excitement, nervousness, antipathy and apathy. I'm trying to stay on the excited side while tempering my excitement with reality. This is, by far, the best chance we've ever had but it is still only a chance and not even a 50/50 one.  I'm a general pessimist and a believer in "I'd rather be happily surprised than disappointed."  But, at the same time, I can't see letting myself risk so much money and so much emotional energy without feeling positive about our chances.  So, I'm going to go with "cautiously optimistic" about it.

Breathe in, breathe out.  Remember that it's OK to ask for help covering classes or labs while you travel for scans and bloodwork.  Remember that it's OK to take a few days off for retrieval and after transfer.  Remember that people will actually want to help you if you tell them what's going on.

When I told my DH last night that I knew today would be CD1, I said "tomorrow I will be calling the nurse.  That will mean we're committed."  He got nervous.  I knew he would.  We talked about our limits.  He would like to do one fresh transfer and as many FETs as we're lucky enough to be able to and then call it quits if it doesn't work.  I don't want to limit ourselves to the one fresh transfer but want to be able to consider doing a second.  We agreed on a monetary limit and willingness to discuss it if this doesn't work.  And, if this local IVF doesn't work, I think he wants to consider doing one overseas next summer.  An interesting idea.

I bought him "How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup" at a Borders that was going out of business a few weeks ago and he's been reading up on everything a little most evenings.  It's been nice to feel like he's participating, finally.  He's listened before and done a little research on his own, but I think it helped him to read a "guy's" perspective.  The first night he came in and woke me up to read me the introduction where the guy was describing his wife and was essentially describing me.  I don't think he completely "got it" before that my reaction to all of this is a normal female reaction.

Last night, though, he was so "bleh" about the whole thing that I finally had to ask "if it wasn't for the money, would you want to do this?"  He immediately said "yes, it makes sense, it's what we need to do.  It's a medical treatment for a medical problem."  I think that makes me feel better (although more annoyed that our insurance doesn't cover anything related to infertility).  The monetary risk sucks.  It makes both of us upset.  We're "savers" and not risk takers and this seems like the ultimate risk. But, the process makes sense to both of us.

I'm going to scream one more time about how much the money sucks and then I'm going to move on.  I can't keep worrying every time I write a check or give my credit card number.  That isn't productive.  We've set the money aside.  We've committed to spending it.  It's time to move on.


Ready?  Here goes:

AAARRRRRRRGHGHGHGHHGHGHGH!!!  I hate how much this costs!!!  This sucks this sucks this sucks!!!  Why won't my damn insurance pay for any of it?!!!!  The first time I've ever had anything "wrong" with me and the money I and my employer have been paying all these years for insurance just doesn't even matter!  It's so fucking unfair!!!  Why does the money make my husband so worried that it makes me not want to do it?  Why can't we both just accept it and move on?!  GRARARARARRARARAR!!  BBBBBLLLLLLLAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! 

OK, now that I've got that out of my system, I'm ready to move forward.

Breathe in, breathe out.  This is the best chance we've ever had.  This could work.  This could be it.  Think good thoughts.  Think positive thoughts.  

ETA:  BCPs start Saturday.  Mock transfer Friday the 9th.  Breathe, Rebecca, breathe.