Don't make me laugh while you're poking me in the fafa!

Hi there internets! How on earth has it been more than a week since I last posted? Stupid busy days at work. What's wrong with them? Don't they know that all those classes, labs, reports, grant applications, new lab manuals and student projects just cut into my blogging time?

Anywho...

Thanks to all for the supportive ranting and good wishes! :) We're officially started, now, with IVF#1. Crazy talk, isn't it?

I've been on BCP for about a week, now, and had my mock transfer and SHG Friday. Yeah, I am seriously not a fan of people poking the top of my uterus with pointy tools. Nowhere near as bad as the HSG a few years ago, but still a strong burning discomfort and cramping that just makes me want to jump far away from the doctor. He said that he used to say to people "this won't hurt" but the nurse told him "until you've had something poking in your hoo-ha, you don't get to comment."

Which led to a really bizarre conversation about all the various things that IFers (and Dr. Smiles) call our lady parts. Fafa? That was a new one to me. (It's really hard to laugh when someone has a tube up your fafa, you know.)

Dr. Smiles was happy with the SHG results and I'm always a fan of seeing my internal body parts on a screen. (I'm serious. It's entertaining). No polyps or protrusions or what-have-yous were seen. He rattled off some bizarre code (4+4+beam me up or something along those lines) that the nurse wrote down during the mock transfer as he determined the best place to deposit embryos. He showed me the tubes and said "next time there will be embryos in here."

I kind of felt excited but mostly felt just sort of "uh huh, sure." I can't seem to convince myself that this is actually happening. I've got the list of meds. We've got the consent forms. But, it still seems surreal.

We're on an antagonist protocol. No lupron and a very quick stim cycle. I spent last night reading journal articles about antagonist protocols. I'm feeling good about the protocol though nervous. It seems like it is good for those who tend to get cysts or hyperstimulate. (Rebecca? Party of one?) At the same time it seems targeted at those who are poor responders which seems to make no sense. Anyway, I'm trying to breathe and remember that my doctor knows what he is doing and has read ALL the articles and has determined what he thinks will be best for me. It's so hard since, even with past knowledge of stim cycles and hormone levels, the first IVF cycle is a bit of a guess. I just want so much that this first guess is the right one.

I think I sound kind of down about this but I'm not really. I'm excited. I'm just in a place where I'm trying to find a balance between excitement and caution. As I said before, I know this is the best chance we've ever had. But, I'm very nervous we're going to find out that my eggs aren't great. I mean, at this point, in my uneducated way, I can't seem to come up with any other explanation as to why we haven't been successful in the past. As all doctors and nurses are fond of telling me (or yelling in the hallway to each other) over and over and over again, my DH has super-sperm. Dr. Smiles is convinced I have an awesome uterus and nice tubes. So, egg issues or implantation problems seem to be the only things left.

Then I remember that I'm 36 and I can't think of many of my IF friends over 35 whose first IVF worked. And I freak out a little more.

Ok, once again, I need to remember to breathe. I need to think positively. I'm back using my C+B meditation and exercising. I've been working hard the past two months to lose the eight or so pounds previous treatments, pregnancy and general IF anxiety added in anticipation of possibly gaining them back this cycle...plus about 25 pounds or more if we're lucky. :) I'm trying to stay in a good headspace.

So, back to useful info. My DH has to go down on Monday for a "complete" SA since it's been a while since they've done a full one and they want to make sure that all is well and confirm they won't need to do ICSI based off of his sperm. (Stupid hospital will only accept SA samples before 11 am so he's going to get to experience the crazy drive down at 6 am rush back for class at 10:30 that I've gotten to do for the past two years. Of course, as long as it isn't like the first SA he did way-back-when that our local hospital forgot to analyze and we had to repeat, we'll be fine.)

End of next week or beginning of the next we meet with the embryologist for a chat. We'll also provide a "back up" sperm sample at that time that will be frozen "just in case." I was glad to hear they do that because my DH has been incredibly nervous about the possibility of not being able to provide a sample the day of retrieval. IUI was pressure. This is a lot more pressure.

Last BCP is September 18th. (Holy mackerel, that's eight days!) We both start prophylactic antibiotics at that point. I go in for a scan/bloodwork on day 2 or 3 after AF starts. Assuming all is quiet, stims start then as do every third day or so scans/bloodwork. We're aiming at about six days of stims before starting Ganirelix with another four or five days of stims after that. ER is anticipated to be about October 4th-ish.

Eep!

That's less than a month away?! Yowsa.

I am excited. I really am. I've let myself imagine this working. I'm picturing being pregnant for the rest of the school year. I imagine the possibility of applying for family leave in the fall even if the baby is due in the summer.

And, I try to remember to breathe.