Zen and the art of trying to ignore the bleeding

Like it was waiting for after the scan, the bleeding got worse yesterday.  It's pretty much constant, now.  Yesterday, at one point, I started to pass some clots and it freaked me out.  (I was convinced the clots were the ticks.)  I called the nurse and she told me that she would expect a few clots after what they saw on the ultrasound and that I should take it easy for the rest of the day and call her this morning.

Luckily, no more clots since then, just a constant thin bleed.  But, bad cramps and heaviness that really feels just like I felt right before I started contracting and miscarried the last time.  (Sorry, this is all TMI.)

I'm trying, trying, trying, trying to ignore it.  I'm trying, trying, trying to believe that it is just whatever uterine irritation they saw and that's it.  As a last resort, I'm trying to believe that maybe we're just losing one of them.

I'm just having a really hard time seeing this working out.  I cried myself to sleep last night -- what little sleep I got -- and cried to my DH.  He's been wonderful and supportive.  I know he wishes he could help. 

I'm just really scared.  I mean, I was already nervous about this pregnancy -- I'm a post-loss, pregnant IF'er, what else could you expect?  But, this bleeding isn't helping me believe it's all really OK.

It's such a roller coaster.  The moment before the scan on Tuesday, I was convinced there was nothing there.  After the scan, I felt confused elation.  The next morning, waking up to even more blood just made my heart sink right back down again. 

After talking to the nurse just now, I'm going to go in tomorrow afternoon for a scan.  She said that if the bleeding stays the way it has been, I can stay at work but take it easy.  If it gets worse, I need to go home and lie down.  I don't know what we're looking for in the scan -- maybe early heartbeats?  Maybe just hoping that there's something still there?  Maybe hoping that there's an obvious source of the bleeding and that it is nowhere near the ticks and that they're still just fine?  I don't know.

Last night, in between trying to take my heart off the edge of depression that I know another loss would send me into, all I could think was "I just don't have time for a miscarriage right now.  I just really don't have time." 

I'll leave you with the little ticks' first ultrasound because it makes me happy when I see it and I'm trying to cling to them still being OK.  Baby B on the left looks a little smooshed in this picture, but the nurse was trying to get a shot of both of them at the same time.

(I swear, when I look at this picture, all I can see is one of the ghosts from Pac-Man!  ☺ )

Stay stuck, little ticks. 

(And, thank you for all of your wonderful comments on Tuesday's post.)