Being a "normal pregnant woman"

I've seen so many pregnant IFers write about this over the years and I've hit that point.  I don't know how to be a normal pregnant woman.  I don't know how to interact with other pregnant women or mothers.  I know I should be trying to find moms and others who will have kids who will be the same age as mine, but I just can't do it.

In the past week two different women (both of whom had babies while I was struggling with IF) have invited me to come to a local "moms and expectant moms" club.  "Club" is the wrong word, but I can't think of a better one.  They get together once a month and talk about birth options and breastfeeding and raising kids, etc., etc.  They have some scheduled "seminar" type meetings and some just general gab fests.  Each time they mention it to me, I feel myself cringing on the inside while trying to smile on the outside.

Is it because I still don't believe it will happen?  I'm 17 weeks today.  I'm BEYOND thrilled.  Every day is a blessing and every Tuesday is a day of utter joy as the week ticks over and I feel yet a bit more confident.  I'm sure I'm incurring the wrath of any infertile woman in my building as my belly sticks out more and more.  I can't hide it anymore and it makes me happy.  The fact that this happens so early because there are two is an added blessing. (I wish there was a label I could put on my stomach that explains how it got there sometimes in case I'm making someone feel as bad as others have unintentionally made me feel the past three years.)  But, I still feel like every time I say "when the babies are here" my mind still silently adds "yeah sure."   Maybe it's just too early.  It's one of the main reasons I'm really hoping we can find out the sexes tomorrow.  I'm desperately reaching for something that will help me feel like it's more "real."  But, right now, I feel afraid to get together with a group of moms because I still feel like an imposter.


Is it because the two who invited me are both considerably younger than I am and I was SO resentful of them when they were pregnant that I STILL haven't seen one of their children even though he's got to be almost 2?  I've got to get over this. As much as I've loved the support I've found on-line with IF, I need to find local women to bond with as a mother.  I need to find people I can get as much information from as I've gotten from all of you.  I need to find mothers I can hang out with.  Do I just feel too old to be part of this? Do I feel awkward being a first time mom?

Is it because of the "naturalness" of this particular group?  I'm generally a good old natural kind of girl.  If I'd had my druthers (give me my damn druthers!!) I'd have gotten pregnant easily and give birth in a pool.  But, so far, no dice.  And, with the combination of twins and a weakened uterine fundus from prior surgery, my children will be born by scheduled C-section no later than 38 weeks (PLEASE let us get somewhere near there).  Yes, I plan on breastfeeding, but I'm not a crazy woman about it and recognize that we may need to supplement or replace entirely with formula and I'm OK with that.  There was nothing "natural" about my getting pregnant and there will be nothing "natural" about how my babies get here.  (Please note that "natural" doesn't mean, you know, natural.  My babies are natural, damnit.) And, I don't care one little bit.  I just want them here.  But, as much as I would like to live my life as naturally as possible, I HATE being told to do so.  I'm a live and let live girl.  As long as what you're doing with your life doesn't harm you or those around you, I don't see the point in trying to convince you to live like I do.  Everyone makes their choices in life.  And, I've dealt with enough people who try to tell me or others otherwise that I just don't know if I can sit in a group defending the fact that I've been told by three separate doctors who reviewed my specific surgical history that if I don't have a C-section my uterus might rupture during a contraction and hearing "oh, yes, you can, you've just been told that by the "birth business" and they don't know everything and the only way to bond with your child is natural childbirth."  (I'm totally putting words in their mouths.  They could all completely understand.  I don't know.  And, sorry for that crazy-long run-on sentence.)  Yes, I've always pictured natural childbirth but I've made my peace with the fact that I don't actually have a choice.

Phew.

Is it because of IF?  I wonder if I would have been "into" this if we'd gotten pregnant easily?  I'm not really a "sharer."  (Yeah, that's funny, isn't it?  I mean, here I am, sharing every little thing out to the entire internet and I don't like to share with people I actually know.  It's the weird conundrum of semi-anonymous social media, isn't it?)  Is it because I don't want to be in a room of women, most of whom have NO idea what it's like to go through what we've been through to get here and still feel that bitterness?  I mean, I could find it's a group of women who ALL understand what it is like to go through IF or be pregnant after a loss (or even many losses).  Is it because I want to keep my pregnancy "special" and going to a session like this will make me realize it really isn't?  Or, is it just my normal apprehension of being in a group and "sharing?"  My usual feeling of not wanting to participate in something where I don't already know everyone.  Or, honestly, my fear of dealing with women I already do know?  It's a small town, this.  I probably know half the people who go to this group.  I'm not sure I'm ready to "share" with them.

I don't know.  I think it's all of the above, really.  I'm afraid to believe this is happening.  I'm afraid of dealing with people trying to tell me how I should live (even though they probably just want to help give me options).  I'm afraid to be in a room full of "fertiles."  I'm afraid to share.

Maybe it will get easier as this goes on and I start to really believe it.  I think that's the biggest obstacle of all.