Is it 2012? Am I 37? Are you sure?

The weirdest thing about it being the new year is that I barely noticed.  I've always been one for getting excited about the change in years -- calendar years, academic years, Jewish calendar years.  I love the idea of a fresh start.  But, this year all I can say is "meh."  It seems so unimportant.  The only timeline that seems important right now is surviving this semester and keeping these babies safely inside until June (or May at the earliest, please).

It was my birthday on Saturday.  I think that's part of why I always get excited about the New Year -- my birthday is New Year's Eve.  Isn't it weird when you reach the age where, when someone asks how old you are, you actually have to do the math?  I'm 37, now.  When I write it down like that it seems crazy -- that really sounds like I'm in my late 30's, doesn't it?  I'm not really sure when that happened.  I'm still 27, right?

We didn't do anything too exciting for my birthday or for New Year's.  We did end up spending a few hours with some friends playing cards.  That was fun.  But, we headed home by 8:30 and I was in bed by 10:30 after falling asleep on the couch at about 9:30.  My DH, who on a normal day stays up until 1 am, was in bed by 11:30.  We both woke up to fireworks at midnight, mumbled "Happy New Year" and rolled over.  We didn't even remember to have a New Year's kiss until the next morning!  How old are we?

I'd like to say something profound about "this year being the one" and "2012 and 37 being the best year of my life" but I can't figure out how to say it without feeling ridiculous.  All I can say is that I hope with all my heart that everything will turn out this year.  Every day in this pregnancy seems like such a gift.  Every Tuesday (when the week "changes") a miracle.  After three years and a loss and all the bleeding at the beginning, I am having such a hard time just accepting that this will work.  I know it's all very little compared to what so many others have gone through, but it's enough to worry me.  We were so incredibly lucky with this first IVF that I still can't believe that it happened.

I've been very good about staying positive -- I've bought maternity clothes, I went through my closet and put away shirts and pants that I can't possibly wear, we've tried out double strollers at the consignment shop, we've been researching minivans.  I'm celebrating every day of this pregnancy and every imagined thought of our future babies.

But, I'm still terrified before each appointment.  Our next OB appointment is Wednesday afternoon and I'll be 15w1d.  No matter what I tell myself, I can't help but be afraid that if I tell anyone new before then about the twins that I'll have to be telling them otherwise on Thursday morning.  I know that, at this point, the chances are WAY in our favor that everything will be fine.  It's just hard to really believe it in my heart.
 
I remember a few years ago being really pissed off at the woman who worked down the hall from me.  She was so obviously pregnant with her second child but didn't tell anyone.  When she finally announced her pregnancy, she also announced that they'd just found out the baby's sex.  All I could think is "gah, by the time you can tell the sex, you're almost halfway through, what is wrong with you?"  I think I get it a bit more, now.  I mean, as far as I know, she found out the sex through amnio or CVS after some scary screening result.  I was just so bitter that she was having her second while I was still trying to have my first that I couldn't think straight. 

Anyway, all this to say that I have more hope in my heart this year than I've ever had before.  I'm amazingly happy.  But, I'm cautious.  I'm not ready to run through the streets just yet. 

Sending hope for a wonderful 2012 to everyone out there.