I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I still really haven't seen them -- I was only in the same room as them for about 5 minutes before they were whisked away to the University hospital 90 miles away. I've felt so disconnected all day long. I don't feel like a mother, I feel like I'm recovering from a lap. I forget that I'm not pregnant anymore and then sometimes I forget that I ever was pregnant. I'm scared and feeling guilty that I haven't been able to bond with them.
I spent most of the day in and out of a mental fog. They gave me some medicine to help me sleep last night but it didn't help me sleep, it mostly just made me have fitful dream ridden naps all night long. And, then all day I've been so tired I haven't been able to have a conversation without falling asleep multiple times. I'm finally feeling more coherent and hoping that I'll get some real sleep tonight.
We're closer on the names but we're going to wait until we're able to both be with them together and can decide if they feel right. I feel like I want to be touching them when I officially name them.
I just feel so disconnected. I keep hearing the baby in the room next to mine crying and it makes me cry.
The nurses here have been wonderful. They've helped me pump and helped me feel better. But, I still feel like I just gave my babies away to someone else and I feel lost. My DH went down to see them today and some friends went with him. It kills me that our friends have spent more time with them than I have. This was the situation that I was dreading more than anything else -- that I'd have them up here and they'd be whisked away from me while I recovered. We tried so hard to have things set up so that I would have them down there if they came early but things happened too quickly and we couldn't.
The babies are doing very very well. I just spoke to the nurse at the NICU. They are off the respirators and breathing on their own. They are down to regular room pressure oxygen canulas I think. They are each being fed by a tube of formula mixed with my colostrum. That makes me very happy. Everyone is impressed with how well they're doing. It will still be likely 2 months before they can come home, though.
Anyway, I'm so happy they're ok but so scared and feeling very lonely and lost. My DH came back tonight to hold me while I cried and tell me it will be ok. I'm hopeful that I'll be discharged tomorrow afternoon so I can go down to see them. My parents are up here, now, and they'll come, too. Then I have to figure out a longer term solution to staying near them. We're looking into the Ronald McDonald house and some other possibilities.
I really am happy that they're doing so well and I think it will all be ok. I know I'll feel better when I can at least touch them.
Here are some pictures:
Baby A at the NICU:
Baby B at the NICU (the "glasses" we're there to protect his eyes fromt he bright light as they put in a central line):
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Edited this morning to add: I'm feeling much better after getting a few hours of actual sleep last night. I'm approved for discharge and will be heading out of here around 11 am. I had a shower and some real breakfast and am wearing real clothes and feel almost human again. I still feel weepy thinking of my sons (my sons!) being so far away, but I will get to see them in just a few hours. (Hormones kind of suck...) The plan is for my DH and I to go up to see them first while my parents check us into a hotel then my parents can come up later. (I feel like I want some time alone with them before they meet the grandparents.) I know they are in the best hands right now and I'm glad. I just really can't wait to see them. Thanks to all of you for your congratulations and your support. It means so much to me.
Oh Rebecca... it must be so hard being away from them. My heart breaks for you. Lovely that they're doing so well. I've been thinking of you all so often since I heard your news. I hope you make a quick recovery and can be with them soon xoxo
ReplyDeleteI truly hope you can get to be with them soon. Can they transfer you once you are recovered from the c section? Don't feel bad about bonding it will happen in due course. A mummy's instinct is always there and they will learn about you too. Get yourself healed and I sincerely wish you well on that first real meeting with your sons and I am looking forward to hearing thier names. They are small but so so perfect. Well done x
ReplyDeleteSending you a hug and hoping that you can get closer to your babies quickly.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness- they're here! Happy birthday, little guys! It sounds like they are doing well, so focus of getting yourself healed up so that you can be with them. I know it much be heartbreaking and terrifying to be so far from the babies you've worked so, so hard to protect. They are in good hands, and will be waiting for you when you are able to visit. I can't wait to follow their progress as they grow bigger and stronger every day. Prayers headed your way for a quick recovery, and of course for those little as-yet-unnamed miracles!
ReplyDeleteI think everything you are feeling is completely normal. I will pray for you and the babies. Keep pumping to get your supply in, it's invaluable for those babies!
ReplyDeleteRebecca, first congratulations on those little guys! They are gorgeous. I know it must be so hard to be away from them but the best thing you can do right now is to take care of you. It will be a long road until those little guys come home so you need the best you can possibly be. And they are in very good care in the NICU. You are already such a great mother wanting to connect with them. It's all going to be great, I know it. Best of luck in a quick recovery for you. Thinking about you and your boys and including them in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful day, go enjoy this special time with your boys!!
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, post partum hormones are so tough and then to be separated from your lovely little boys...I'm so sorry it's gone this way. So happy to hear they are doing great and you will be with them today! Remember to take care of yourself...a c/s is a major surgery. Thinking of you tons as you get to hold your little babies today *tears*
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how you're feeling although I can tell you that all of it is warranted. Just know that the boys are where they need to be and you will be there just as soon as you can and in the whole grand scheme of things, you are healthy, your boys are doing awesome (oh my gosh, no O2 right now!!) and this is just a small (painful) blip before you're able to have them in your arms for many years to come. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh Rebecca -- they are so handsome and perfect! So glad to hear you are likely on your way to go spend time with them! Can't wait to hear names and hear more about them. Take good care of you too!
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how difficult it must be! So glad you're getting discharged today and can finally snuggle those sweet boys! They're so perfectly beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI cant imagine baby blues when you can't be near your little ones. I am glad they are doing well! And i am very glad that soon you will be able to be near them. Congrats on your little miracles !
ReplyDeleteI cant imagine baby blues when you can't be near your little ones. I am glad they are doing well! And i am very glad that soon you will be able to be near them. Congrats on your little miracles !
ReplyDeleteI hope that as I'm typing this you are holding your beautiful boys! It sounds like they are doing really well! I pray that their nicu stay isn't too long.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, congratulations on the birth of your wonderful sons! They are teeny and adorable. I can only imagine how much you must ache to be with them. I hope you are there now getting in that bonding time. I can't wait to hear their names! Good luck to you-- I know these weeks will be hard and I am hoping the boys grow big and strong and are home with you soon.
ReplyDeleteyour boys are adorable! look at them, so perfect.
ReplyDeletei cried when i read your post because i just feel for you so much...i was happy to read your edit and hear that you are now on your way to be with them. i understand your urge to be with them and to spend time alone as a family - that's so important and put hubby in charge of telling everyone that you guys will decide when the time is right to have visitors. i know that i felt overwhelmed myself after the baby was born, so i cannot begin to imagine how hard it is for you at this time.
sending you lots of love, mumma! xox
Hope you are holding, kissing, and bonding with your sons this very moment! Sending you love and strength! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteWhat gorgeous little men, congrats mommy!!! Such a difficult and wonderful time for you. I remember seeing the pictures of my boys from the NICU and feeling totally left out. I actually eventually deleted the pictures of the nurse giving them their first bottles. I now have plenty of me feeding them and for some reason the other ones made me super jealous. It's funny because I cried when my husband told me he got to change the first marconium (spelling????) filled diaper. I just felt so robbed of all of the firsts. The truth is though that we will have all kinds of firsts. I know it is hard to believe that this physical distance is only temporary but you will be home together soon.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your beautiful, handsome, strong boys!!!
Oh r-- I'm so happy that you will get to be with A and B soon. In a few days this short time away will seem like it never happened. And it is fabulous that the boys are doing so well. Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteWishing you and the family the very best. I was shocked to find out the boys are here already...just a couple days ago you were sharing your boredom buster! Will be excited to hear their names and watch'em grow... thanks for sharing your story on BLOGLAND!
ReplyDeleteHope you got to spend some good quality time with your boys today. I'm thinking of all of you!!
ReplyDeleteHey Rebecca! First off, a big huge heartfelt congratulations on the arrival of your beautiful little boys. I wish I could be there to give you a big 'ol hug right now!
ReplyDeleteI hope that you were able to be discharged as planned yesterday and head to meet your boys. Thank you so much for keeping us posted and you guys will be in my thoughts. xoxo
Belated congratulations on the arrival of the babies! I am glad to hear that things are progressing well for both of them. Please update us when you can. In the meantime, take care of YOU. Go bond with your babies and be with them as much as you possibly can while taking the time out to recuperate from your surgery. I know you'll be back to let us know how things are when you can. But for now, be with your wonderful family. And know that we are sending hugs and good thoughts to all.
ReplyDeleteso happy you are discharged and as i type this you are most likely with your boys now :) Sending love and hugs and happy, happy thoughts. The time will fly and before you know it they will be home with you, in the meantime it sounds like they are doing amazing in the NICU! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteFirst off, CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy for you, and they are absolutely adorable. I can't imagine what it must have been like these past couple of days with you so far away from them. I hope that, by now, you are out of the hospital and finally with your little guys. Sending lots of love, prayer, and strength to you and your entire family. Please keep us posted when you can. xo
ReplyDeleteI am so, so happy you are able to spend time with your boys. It sounds like they are both doing amazingly well. Congratulations, mama, on two beautiful babies!! Sending you and your little family many, many hugs!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!! I know this must be a huge shock to have them come early, and to be separated from them initially. But I'm so glad to hear that you were able to be discharged quickly and are now with your boys. I'm sending you and your family good and healing thoughts!!! Thinking of all of you!!!!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the arrival of your boys! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Apart from being completely adorable, they look like little fighters. Thinking of you and your family.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear the babes are doing ok and that you'll be with them soon!
ReplyDeleteFound your blog through Oak's. I am currently pregnant with twins, so I am intrigued by your story. I am glad to hear they are doing so well currently. I hope you get to spend some time with them soon!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are released and heading to be with your boys!
ReplyDeleteI am SO happy to hear the boy are doing well. I can't imagine how you feel not having them with your or at least down the hall. I know they can still feel all your love though and they know you will get there as soon as you can. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like this was SO tough to live through. Pete's mom went through a similar experience when he was born and it was so hard for her. Glad to hear the boys showed such rapid improvement!
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