More Tales from the NICU

Hi again!

I've got to get better at updating...so much happens every day while, at the same time, nothing new happens. But, by the end of the day, it seems to be so late and I just collapse into bed.

Anyway, here's how things are going now...

-- Today is the 35 week mark! They are 3 1/2 weeks old. It's hard to know which measurement of age to focus on...

-- D has officially emerged from the isolette and is in an open bassinet. We're allowed to pick him up whenever we want to, now, which is awesome. It was so hard to console him before in the "box." Although, now he's always wrapped up in his swaddle so I don't get to stare at his little toes. :( He's still on the nasal cannula with a bit of oxygen support, but he seems to be feeling a bit better, finally. We're hoping that soon they'll be able to wean him off of it. They've tested every single thing they possibly can and nothing seems to be wrong -- he just needs to mature a bit more. The doctor suspects that he should have gotten a second dose of surfactant when he was first born, but now we just have to wait. The problem is he's tachypneic -- he breathes too quickly and shallowly. But, in reality, he's doing well.

He's getting more alert and has more times where he stares at us and interacts. He still gets a little fussy sometimes when he's uncomfortable, but he calms easily. He sucks on his pacifier like crazy -- a sign that he's ready to take milk by mouth. Unfortunately, we can't try to nurse him until he gets rid of the high flow cannula. Hopefully soon. He's had a few "bradying down" incidents which scare the living daylights out of us. But, he comes back up fine. So, no one seems to be too worried about it (except for us). He's nearly 2 kilos, now, which is a big milestone to make. He's about 4 lb 6 oz so he's gained a pound over his birth weight!

-- S is still in his isolette but we hope he'll be out by the end of the week. Meanwhile, we get to watch the squirmy positions he gets into as he lounges about and kicks his toes up. He loves to lay back with his legs propped up or snuggle with a blanket like a body pillow. He's still incredibly calm and just watches the world around him. He's very alert and follows us when we talk to him. He's made it to 4 lb 2 oz or so -- a pound over his birth weight as well! He got off of the pulse oximeter because he's been stable for quite a while. He really is doing incredibly well. We're hopeful that he'll be able to go home within two weeks. He'll likely be ready before D, though, so we'll have to figure out how to deal with that -- he'll have to move into the McDonald House with us, I think. His big news is that today he got to feed by mouth for the first time! See below...

-- I got to nurse S today!! The lactation consultant came to help us start. It was amazing. He had been sucking on his paci like crazy and rooting around -- he was obviously ready to go. (We had been hoping to start last Friday but the doctor put it off...) He gets to feed PO (by mouth) once a day for now with NG tube feeds for the rest. We'll build up from there with some bottle feeds as well. He was a little sleepy when we started but he sucked well and I just melted. It's so hard to constantly pump and just watch your children be fed through a tube. Feeling him suck was incredible. He did a great job considering how small he is. I can't wait until tomorrow.

-- Pumping is going well although it sometimes seems like all I do. My supply is really good. Finally, my body is doing something right -- couldn't get pregnant on its own, couldn't stay pregnant long enough, at least this is working. At first things were moving kind of slowly, but then everything kicked into high gear. I'm building quite the freezer supply at this point. I really hope that the nursing also works well -- it's hard to know how much he's getting that way. But, the good thing about building up your supply before the baby tries to nurse is that it's easier for him to get milk than it would be if we were starting off from the beginning.

-- We've had some chaotic times. One of the babies in our "pod" suddenly started coughing one night and then tested positive for RSV the next day. He was a full term baby who was there for other reasons. He was constantly inconsolable and always being paced about by the nurses. So, unfortunately, he could have gotten it from anywhere and could have given it to anyone. They put us all on a semi-quarantine after sending him into a private room. They've tested D (I think the doctor was almost excited that it might be what was wrong with him all along) and he was negative. We've still got a few more days in the potential incubation period, but so far it looks like everyone is clear. RSV is not a good thing for preemies.

-- I had a moment a few days ago when I was holding D and I looked down at him and suddenly realized that this miraculous little boy started out as one of the tiny bundles of cells in the picture I have on my refrigerator. It gave me chills. I think I've had a major disconnect of the "real world" babies and my pregnancy. The c-section and not being able to see them for days and then being cut off from them in their isolettes and barely able to hold them, and having to leave them all the time, etc., etc. have made it very difficult for me to feel like I'm bonding with them. I sometimes feel like they're someone else's children and I'm just a visitor. I miss being pregnant with them -- I felt like I could protect them and knew they were mine. I love having them to hold but I hate having to leave them. I've been so excited to nurse because I feel like it's finally something only I can do. Something to bring them back to me. The nurses are great, but depending on them makes me feel like I'm just an observer.

I'm mostly doing fine, emotionally, but there are times when I just feel so disconnected from them, still. I hate that they're so isolated from each other, too. I feel like we're missing something that we'll never really get back. Sometimes the nurses talk about the "skin to skin contact" they encourage after babies are just born. Or, the lactation consultant told me all about how she encourages bonding with babies who are just born. Or I hear a mother of a full term baby say something about going out for the day and "this is the first time I've ever been away from the baby!" It makes me feel like I missed out on it all. It's hard to feel like a "real mom" when the only thing you have with you that identifies you that way is the green bracelet that lets you into the NICU.


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