CD9 is a crazy time

I've discovered an interesting thing about my cycles -- CD9 is its own special hell.

This morning I lay in bed obsessing about the time change (why not) and freaking out about deadlines coming up at work in the next two weeks.   

Do I start teaching that new class this Friday or next?  OMG it's not tomorrow is it?!  Oh, G-d, I've got to get someone to observe my class for my portfolio.  Crap, when is that due???  Damn it, why won't anyone fill out the stupid textbook review sheets!  We've got to make a decision soon.  Wait, are the students really ready for the show this weekend?  It's going to be a disaster.  Maybe they're doing more than I think they are.  Of course they're not! 

Then I vacillated between wishing we could do IVF right now and being absolutely positive that if it comes down to IVF I didn't want to do it.  I finally got out of bed only to spend hours trolling the IF-web and reading yet another infertility book (because you can never read too many).  Then I started freaking out that my RE isn't being aggressive enough and I should leave her.  


Maybe I should quit my job and move to a bigger city?  But, then how would we pay for IVF?  But how will we do IVF if I have to work and drive 1 1/2 hours each way to an RE every day?  But, wait a minute, we're in the middle of an IUI cycle -- I shouldn't abandon hope, yet.  But, if we want to start IVF in May or June then we need to meet with the RE soon to discuss it.  But, how am I going to do IVF while I'm teaching this summer?  I should quit my job.  But, then, how would we afford IVF?  But, I don't want to do IVF.  But, I want to do IVF this cycle.

You get the picture.


I've spent all day feeling anxious and stressed.  I've felt like I have something to say and don't know what it is.  I've opened the "New Post" tab five times.  The blank screen keeps staring back at me.  So, I started lining up FF and my blog for the past two months.  Guess what day I started blogging?  That's right, CD9 -- although I didn't officially put up the first post until the next day after finally convincing myself that it was OK to be a blogger.  The next CD9?  The day I started obsessing about the differences between TTC and IF. The most intense, introspective moments in my (albeit short) bloggy life. 

What is it about CD9?  I guess it's all hormonal.  After 5 days under medicated wraps (with one drug or another) and a couple of days to build back up, estrogen is doing its thing again.  I'm no longer the raging b*tch I was while on the meds.  No, now I'm introspective, anxious, tense, sad, jealous and anxious some more.  I guess my mind finally decides, "let's take that craziness and turn it into something deep!!"

I'm tempted to go through all my posts on TTCYFC and TTCYFC6+ to see what else my CD9's have looked like.

OK, so I probably won't do that.

Well, it depends on how many hours I lie in bed tonight obsessing.

Crap, I'm going to be exhausted at school tomorrow with the time change.  Man, a latte would be really good tomorrow morning.  No, I'm not supposed to have that much caffeine.  Ah, who the hell cares, it won't make a difference.  But, what if it does??

Wait, am I absolutely certain I don't start that new class tomorrow?????