- I find myself staring intently at the stomach of every woman with a kid around 6 months or so utterly certain that she's pregnant again. Does anyone else do this? I'm convinced that the woman down the hall from my office is pregnant with her 3rd. Probably she just hasn't lost some of the weight from the last baby, but, I'm terrified that's not it and she's pregnant. If she announces a third pregnancy, I think I'll have to change offices. I can't watch her belly grow another time.
- I'm so tired of being told "soon you'll have kids and..." by one of my colleagues. Every conversation with him somehow leads to that. Sometimes I realize that what I'm about to say is going to lead to it and I try to stop but I can't. "My DH and I both worked all weekend." "Soon you'll have kids and..." "This is leftovers from dinner last night" "Soon you'll have kids and..." "I have to come back for an 8:30 meeting tonight" "Soon you'll have kids and..." Sometimes he blindsides me, though. "I need to work on that new course syllabus" "Soon you'll have kids and..." I've taken to talking over him whenever he starts it. He's only about 5 years older than my DH but had kids when he was in grad school and his oldest is about 23. He complains about his family all the time. The other day he said something about "enjoy it while you're young." To which I replied "too late!"
- I've become very predictable. I was watching House Hunters yesterday (which I should stop doing because it makes me jealous of gorgeous (or at least clean) houses and of people with kids...) and the couple said "we're planning on having kids in two years." I snorted and said "yeah, good luck with that." My DH said "I knew you'd say that!" Of course, since the show was filmed two years ago, I'd almost guarantee that the couple in question either already had a kid (oops) or got pregnant as soon as they started trying. It just seems to be that way. (Anyone watch "Say Yes to the Dress?" Can't handle the number of times they end with "X and Y got married in June and are expecting their first child.")
- I'm such a horridly jealous person lately. I keep trying to realize the grass isn't always greener and be happy for what I have, but it's so hard. I know that these people I'm jealous of have difficulties in their lives as well, but I can only focus on the one thing they have that I want: they have a kid, they're pregnant, they're jumping into more involved ART, etc. Will this ever go away?
- I've had so many days recently where I just wonder why we're even doing this. So, what if we never have kids? Our lives were fine before TTC. What's the point? But, then I see someone holding her infant and smiling or my friend's 3-year-old comes running to give me a hug screaming my name or I hear a new mom saying how "instantly in love" she is or I see a college basketball player's mom tearing up as she watches her daughter in the championship series on TV or I see a divorced dad fighting to spend time with his kids or my friend's stepson calls her "mommy." My heart breaks and I'm so afraid I'll never feel that way. We just have to do this.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Lots of random things
I'm just in one of those moods when lots of little things are running through my head.
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I'm so sorry that all of these thoughts are running through your head. Trust me, you aren't the only one who has them. And AMEN on the jealous thing. Sometimes I feel so bad for feeling the green-eyed monster, but it helps to know that I'm not alone in that regard.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) I hope we BOTH get our turn soon.
i hope you're feeling better already as we speak. i wrote this to another blogger friend yesterday after a bad day: at the end of the day, the majority of us WILL get pregnant. it'll just be a pain in the butt to get there. i hope that, give how long you've been trying, that all the pain is behind you and that you only have positive news going forward. *keep the faith*!! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHoping and praying this IUI works and you get to move past the "some days".
ReplyDeleteAnd, that jealous green-eyed monster is so very normal. You can't help what you feel but you can help how you act and, as long as you aren't lashing out, admitting what you are feeling is healthy.
{{{Hugs}}}
~ICLW #31
I would have never imagined TTC could have such a tremendous power over my life. And on every aspect of it. It rules my everydays, it rules my actions, it rules my feelings, it rules my relationships. I am soaked in it and can not let go for a minute.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's hard to realize and hard to accept I have hardly any control over this thing.
I am sorry you are hurt. I know it's incredibly hard to keep going and keep up with the right attitude. But you are wonderful strong woman and you have the most essential things to win this game: you have strength and you have hope. I am praying and hoping your journey will soon conclude in your long-awaited BFP and the joy and happiness you deserve. Much love your ways.
I'm glad I've found your blog... I just caught up on all of your entries from January and hate to hear about the failed cycles. I start clomid tonight and pray that it works for me but am less optimistic. Hopefully this IUI worked for you and I can't wait to hear your good news!
ReplyDeleteUgh, I know. I have to too, even though it's hard. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI love this. I "think" this way too, and think most all of these things also. I'm wishing you so much luck. I hope your little one is right around the corner. ;o)
ReplyDeleteICLW
Hi Rebecca! You’re definitely not alone! We’ve all had those thoughts and, as painful as they can be, it’s good to let them out in the open.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to be a mother very deeply, it will certainly happen, even if not when or how you first pictured it. It’s letting go of that picture perfect story that we’ve carried around for so many years (since we were little girls) that is sometimes hard.
And isn’t it funny that when we’re feeling low we gravitate towards seeing and reading things that make it worse? Try to read more books and watch TV about subjects completely unrelated to TTC or babies and to do stuff which makes you feel good.
As odd as this may seem, a random act of kindness toward a parent or a pregnant lady can be very therapeutic. Jealousy is unavoidable, but, just as it annoys us when people make assumptions about us just because we don’t have kids, we should try to avoid making assumptions about parents.
Being kind comes naturally to you, because you’re obviously such a sweet person, so honor your true self by being kind to people in general, and avoiding those who are incapable of appreciating kindness.
I just know that, in the future, there’s a happy and loved child running into your arms and calling you Mommy! Until then, I’m sending positive vibes your way to help you be as happy as possible in every part of your life during the wait!
((hugs))
I can relate to every, single thought you mentioned. The good news is your totally normal...the bad news is that IF still totally sucks {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteI've had some of those thoughts too. And yeah, some are easier to deal with than others. I got to the point where I was afraid I was getting too bitter due to IF but thankfully it turned out to be a bad patch... Many hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/
IF sucks! I just know that you are going to succeed though.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to you. I also have those days that I just feel super jealeous of everybody that is pregnant and it's horrible to feel liket that. I have 6 friends pregnant and all they talk about is their babies. Its makes me sad and angry that I cant share the same emotions. But I know that someday we will. Hang in there it will get better.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to the shit storm of crap rolling through the IF'ers brain. It never stops. You just want to bang your head against the wall and make it all go away. I can only hope that one day VERY soon you will have a reason to celebrate and help melt the bitterness away.
ReplyDeleteBut, for right now - BIG huge HUGS and lots of love are coming your way!
I have had those days sometimes too. It does hurt when I see everyone else getting what I want. It isn't fair, that's for sure. But, I'm just trying to trust and believe that it will happen for me too. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteGlad to find another Chemistry lover!! I'm the same way with probably pregnant women. My husband's work friend recently got married and I just knew they would get pg right away. So I asked my husband just about everyday if they were pg yet. He got sooo tired of me asking and obsessing. But guess what? Two months in and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Just kills me.
ReplyDelete