Happy to be anxious

Let's see what I've done today while (im)patiently waiting for beta #2 tomorrow:

• Taught my last classes for the semester!!!  WOOHOO!!  
• POAS -- because the day between betas is apparently enough to make even an anti-POAS girl need to see two lines.
• Tried to decide if the random waves of nausea I'm feeling (it's like something is caught in my throat) is actually just anxiety.  It's kind of hard to tell -- because anxiety is definitely there.
• Been incredibly snarky to my students and colleagues -- I keep wanting to scream at them "leave me alone, I'm trying to keep an embryo viable right now.  I can't deal with your petty arguments!"
• Celebrated the fact that I am utterly exhausted.  Which is funny because I've been exhausted the last two weeks but it has been from overworking, undersleeping and overcaffeinating.  Now, of course, it must be from spider embie.  My DH said "ah, guess you're already using that excuse" with a chuckle -- I wanted to bop him upside the head.
• Lamented the fact that the one month during all of TTC that I drank a latte a day (or more, it's been a rough couple of weeks at work) during the 2ww was this month. So, now I'm convinced that it's going to keep this embryo from sticking.  Or maybe it's that caffeine is what my body needed to get pregnant!
• Stared at my boobs in the mirror -- if you stare long enough the veins will pop out and look like they're more intense. 
• Poked my nipples.  Um, well, see my boobs always hurt post-O but this time my nipples are really sore and sensitive.  So, every so often, I keep poking my nipples (in a tasteful way... ) to make sure they still hurt.
• Freaked out about what I'm eating.  Between feeling like I'd given up hope and exhaustion and stress I have definitely been eating terribly lately. 
• Tried to figure out if the pangs in my abdomen mean anything.
• Ran to the bathroom at least once an hour to see if I'm spotting.
• Wondered if my anti-POAS-ness has ever caused me to miss a chemical pregnancy.  I swear I've felt all these pangs before.  Worried that I'm just still waiting for AF.

You know, if there's one thing IF has taught me it is that you never know what others are feeling unless you've been in their shoes.  I've watched so many of my IF friends get pregnant and be anxious about staying pregnant (I'm obviously not talking about my friends who have a history of m/c) and thought "oh, come on already -- you're pregnant!"  I've tried to empathize and knew that I probably couldn't really understand what they were feeling.  But, seriously, anxiety has set in.  I'm swinging from thinking about what I'll need to say to my boss to feeling like these cramps I'm feeling means it is over.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm feeling happy and positive, too.  I'm truly amazed.  I'm absolutely loving all of this.  Just the thought that I finally get to worry about all of this is making me laugh with occasional giddiness.  I have so much hope.  For the first time in a year or so, I feel like something has gone right. 

I am just so happy to be so anxious!!!