Welcome ICLWers! I'm insane to try to participate in ICLW this month -- it's the end of the semester here and I've barely been able to make it through the day lately as it is, but I would miss ICLW too much if I skipped it! So, here I am!
For those who are new here, a brief-ish summary:
My name is Rebecca, I'm 35 and, in the real world, I'm married to a wonderful man, live in a tiny town in Missouri and teach chemistry at a small college. My DH and I have been together since 2005 and started TTC when we got married in October of 2008. It's funny that I look at myself when we started at 33 and think "how young" because now that I've turned 35 I feel old. I realize I'm not that old, it's just starting to weigh on me. Stupid "advanced maternal age."
Our IF issues: We were dealing with a blocked right tube, but we think it's clear, now (after a hysteroscopy in December). Now my RE thinks that the "possible scar tissue" on my left tube might be a hydrosalpinx. She's recommending an exploratory lap (although before she said we didn't need it...) but my insurance won't cover it (at all -- yikes for a $15,000 bill!) so we're looking into a second opinion on that. I also have a borderline high baseline FSH (12), so we're hoping to be a little more on the proactive side. After having multiple cycles canceled due to large cysts and thin linings caused by the demon that is Clomid, we had four IUIs using Femara. Nothing but BFNs.
Right now I'm in the 2ww of a medication/treatment break cycle (number 20) as we weigh our options of where to go next. My brain (and my DH) is very happy to be fake hormone free for a while. Most likely we're headed to IVF. Unfortunately, we're probably going to have to change clinics to do it. My previous clinic is very small and doesn't have a great track record with IVF (mostly because they just don't do a lot of cycles each year). And, the new clinic is nearly 3 hours away (did I mention I live in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere?), so we're working on the logistics. We're still working at gathering the info together that we need before we can set up a first appointment with the new clinic.
At this point, I go back and forth about whether I want to do IVF or not. Some days it seems like the obvious choice. Other days it seems ridiculous and I'm certain we won't do it. I think I'm just starting to feel a little beat down by the whole thing and am having a hard time imagining that even IVF will work for us. (I realize that, in the grand scheme, we haven't even been trying 2 years, so I'm possibly being a little melodramatic.) So, I'm just wondering what the point is to it. Lots of stress, time, money, etc. I know that it is probably our best chance and our chances of success will only get worse as I get older, but I guess I'm mostly afraid that, if we try it and it doesn't work, then what ever will? If it just stays out in front of us as "a last possibility" then I never have to face it failing.
(Yeesh, and I thought my brain was taking a break from the stress/depression of IF with no meds. Huh, who knew, it's actually just me!)
I think I can relate to your feelings about IVF. I feel a little bad, that I am not crazy excited about it, but I am worn down, exhausted and both my body and mind need a little break.
ReplyDeleteYou have been in a twister for so many months: pills, invasive procedures, emotional ups and downs.
It might just take a little time to process and get excited again.
Right now, me too, I think about IVF as the last possibility. Let's repaint that picture and look at it as "The Possibility". All we need is just a little enthusiasm recovered, and I am pretty sure that will come back.
Fingers crossed for some great plans made for you very soon!
In the mean time, FX for your 2ww;)
I was totally scared to go to IVF too...I think it's probably very common. Hopefully you won't need it and your BFP is right around the corner =)
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW. Not that we aren't blog buddies anyways.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I dragged my feet about IVF for years. And though, I haven't had success yet, I don't regret moving to it AT ALL. They learn so much more by doing it. But, that's my two cents. I know the distance and such factors in, I try and make the time around IVF vacation-like. Schedule a massage, get a new book, rent some movies. And if you have to, stay in a hotel for a night or few closer to your clinic.
In any case, best of luck figuring it out.
Hi Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteIts great to read some of your background that I didn't know. Chemistry, huh? Impressive stuff.
First off, thank you so much for your thoughts on my last post. It means A LOT, thanks.
I can relate to you on so many levels. I remember 33 seeming young too! I just turned 36 and I have let go of the age thing.
For me IVF brings up a complexity of thoughts, I hate the idea of "the last possibility" too, but it seems like there are additional tweaks that can happen to further options.
Good luck with finals! Do you have summers off?
I think this stupid IF process makes us mid-30's girls feel very old, all of a sudden. I remember always thinking I had a lot of life yet, and now the clock is ticking so freaking loudly in my ear... My 35th birthday is looming - I really hope I'm pregnant by then...
ReplyDeleteIt will be interesting to hear about your decision making process. Let's hope you don't need to make a decision...
I completely understand the thoughts about IVF but I've gotten to the point where it's time to do something with a better likelihood of success.... Hope it brings you huge success!!
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW, Rebecca! I completely understand your thoughts and fears about IVF. I go through the same emotions. Let's hope that this natural cycle was a success and you don't have to think about it anymore. Sending huge hugs your way.
ReplyDeletehappy iclw! i hear you on ivf being scary. the biggest negative about jumping right to ivf is that there is no "next step". so, part of me wishes we had done all the iui's first. i'm doing round #2 in july. if that fails, then i'm going 'backwards' to try iui. that is - if i don't lose my mind first!! just wanted to wish you lotsa *luck* :o)
ReplyDeleteI came over from ICLW! Just wanted to say that I too was afraid of going for IVF. It just seems like the last resort AND what happens if it doesn't work (ours didn't)? Anyways, it's always good to take a med break and I'm glad you are enjoying yours! I hope that you get your BFP before you need to go to IVF!
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW. Just wanted to say hi and best wishes on your upcoming cycles. We are just startng IVF. I'm nervous as well. So many unknowns.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.teseivf.blogspot.com/
Wow...you've had a really rough go of it. I hope you can come to a decision about IVF that leaves you with a sense of peace. Good luck.
ReplyDelete~ICLW
ICLW - Just want to give you a hello. I live in Missouri too (St. Louis area), teach high school special ed, and suffer from infertility. I went through every RE in St. Louis and ended up with nothing but more questions, so if you ever want to know anything about St. Louis clinics just let me know. We are currently matched for adoption of a little girl due in July. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW!! I just finished my first IVF cycle and am currently in the 1ww. It was definitely scary hearing the RE tell me it was time for IVF, and the money...ugh! BUT, the cycle itself was not nearly as bad as I expected, and the success rates are amazing. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do going forward!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Great blog, can't wait to read more. I'm your newest follower from IComLeavWe.
ReplyDelete-K
http://mypottyseat.blogspot.com/
Hi Rebecca, happy ICLW! Thanks for stopping by my blog.
ReplyDeleteI am in the exact same position as you at the moment. We have been told we will need IVF, but it is up to us to decide when we want to start. We could do clomid in the meantime but with little chance of success or just jump right in and start IVF. We are still unsure what we will do.
Let's hope cycle 20 is the one!
You know it's a really hard decision to do IVF - it took us 6 years to finally do it. I hope you can make a discion quicker than we did! I also see you got cysts from Clomid - I also had that problem, even with clomid combined with injectibles! I wasted 4 IUI's that way. All the best for your future and I hope you don't have to do that expensive lap! Happy ICLW!
ReplyDeleteHi there- here from ICLW. I feel like IF constantly throws us neck-deep into some intense decision making all the time. I'm sorry you've had to go through all this surgical and cyst stuff... your poor ute! I think your uterus needs a hug. Whether you go for IVF or not, I hope you find answers in your decision making process and peace with your decisions. Much luck for your 2ww!
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW!
~Miriam (ICLW #122)
Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed