Paperwork is scary

So, remember how we were "waiting for the information packet" from the new RE's office? It came yesterday.  I know many of you have been through this and dealt with it already.  But, it totally blindsided me how this would make me feel.

O. M. G.

OK, I've seen so many on-line friends go through IVF that I feel like I know what to expect -- in the cycles, that is.  You pay your life savings, you suppress, you stim, you trigger, you retrieve, you fertilize, you transfer, you wait, you test.  (Don't all yell at me.  I know that's a quick, painless summary for something that is so physically and emotionally painful and exhausting and is missing lots of steps.)  My current RE's office gives out some info about IVF.  It's not that long, it just talks about how they do cycles and some cost analysis.  The information packet for this big clinic?  Wow.  This place, being an IVF conveyor belt kind of place, has so much information I was actually starting to have a panic attack by the time I finished the fourth sub-packet of eight.  (The one that had a fill-in-the-blank letter to send to your insurance company in the hopes that they might cover some part of it.)

This is a good thing, of course.  You want a place that has already thought about all the questions you could and should ask.  However, no matter how much I've thought about IVF, I think I'd kind of like to be able to ask the questions before getting all the answers.  I want all this information eventually, but, right now, all I want is to make an appointment to get a second opinion about my tubes and to talk to you about whether we qualify for your IVF program!

The ridiculous thing is that I'm now more freaked out about the process of getting started with the clinic than I am about actually going through IVF!

Here are the things that are freaking me out the most right now:

1. Random b/w that needs to be done before we're even allowed to schedule an appointment to talk with them.  Mostly just proving we don't have various STDs, etc.  Some of it we've done already, some we haven't.  Got to get that figured out ASAP.
2. Getting information transferred from my previous docs.  I really don't like this part.  I know it has to happen, but I just would rather stay under the radar for the moment that we're thinking of changing clinics.  I was kind of hoping we could talk to them first before they had to have my entire medical/infertile history.  I know that doesn't make too much sense, but I've always been terrible at telling someone (doctor, cable guy, hair stylist, you name it) that I'm changing providers.  I'm one of those people that will stick with someone who gives them the worst hair cut in the world rather than have to admit to the stylist that I don't like it!  I just don't like to be critical (to someone's face that is...) And, I'm afraid that we'll end up needing my original RE's office again and I'll be crawling back to them so I don't really want to just have the other clinic do it anonymously.  I need to call them myself.  This is the stupidest of my fears but the one that sends me most into panic.  Maybe I'll make my DH do it. 
3. We're probably not going to qualify for their "warranty" program that would give us reduced costs if we don't get pregnant.  I figured this might be true, but it still sucks.  The main requirements for it are antral follie count and FSH at 10 or below (as determined by their clinic).  I'm not sure about the antral count, but my FSH was 12 the last time we checked.  I know their clinic could come up with a different number, but this has been my biggest fear all along.  I know that, no matter what, it means that my chances aren't as good as they could be of IVF working in any case.  I just hope it doesn't go up so high that they won't even let me try (even without the warranty program).
4. The distance.  I just don't know how we're going to do it.  Even if I find someone around here to monitor locally, I'm not sure how "local" we'll be able to make that.  It still could be more than an hour away.  If I have to have monitoring appointments every morning (and if the local hospital can't do it -- they should be able to, but I don't know if they can) I'm going to have to leave at 5 am so I can get back in time for my 9 am class. 
5. Scheduling an initial appointment.  I don't know how long it could take to even get started and it freaks me out.  It could be months before they can fit us in. This has been the major advantage of working with an itty-bitty clinic.  They always have a slot open.  That's been great.  If it takes 3 months for us to get an appointment, then two months to get ready to do IVF, it will be the middle of the fall semester before we can get started.  I just don't know how I'll manage to do that.  My DH will be on a sabbatical from teaching next academic year (he'll be in and out of town working with various businesses around the area).  His schedule will be pretty flexible, though.  I'll be teaching full time.  My "out of class" times are relatively flexible (and I'm really lucky in that) but the "in class" times are set in stone and I'm not in a position where I can get a substitute for a class.  And, my schedule next fall has me teaching at 8:30 four days a week.  I just don't know how we'll do it. 

There are other things, I'm sure.  (I think I blocked most of them out my head when I had to remind myself to breathe as my panic built higher and higher.)  You'd think the money would freak me out, but I think I was prepared for that.  I know IVF is a huge step, but I didn't realize that I'd be most freaked out about trying to get to the giant step rather than taking the step itself!

It really makes me want to stay with my old clinic.  I guess it's an inertia thing.  It's just easier -- I know who I'm dealing with.  I know that I could get started as soon as I want to.  I know the timing.  I know the people.  I know the distances.  I know how it will work. 

But, I also know that there will be a lot of uncertainties there, too -- are they doing the right meds?  Are they being appropriately aggressive?  Will they handle everything correctly?  Will they really know how to deal with me and my issues?  How will they deal with any "surprises" along the way?  If we only get one shot, will we lose it because the first try is too much of a "let's see what happens" kind of thing? 

With the big clinic, I know I'll probably be just a number to them.  But, I know that they've dealt with "my type" before.  They'll be able to say to me "well, at your age, with your FSH we've had ___ % take home a baby in the past 5 years."  Even if that % is small, I'd feel confident that it is a correct representation of my chances. 

I know all of what they do is a good thing.  But, it makes me pine for my small, intimate clinic where everybody knows my name.  Not quite like I walk into the room and everyone yells "NOOOORRRMMM," but we're getting close.