Sorry I've been a bit MIA -- finals ended and I've been grading so much I've started to bleed purple ink. (I'm all about color when grading -- I tend to only grade in red if I'm feeling annoyed at my students. For finals for my intro class it's been purple this semester. I might change to green when I switch to my advanced class. Keeps me from getting bored. Sigh...I love pens.)
We did escape for the day on Friday and went to a Dutch Festival in a small town we often pass through in Iowa. It was cold and dreary out, but nice to just wander around outside for a bit. And, admittedly, eat really unhealthy dutch pastries smothered in butter and powdered sugar. Yum. (Obviously, m/s hasn't hit at this point...)
On the way back I made my first pregnancy related purchase. I got a BeBand. I'm at a weird point where my pants fit in the morning but, by the end of the day, I've gained 4 pounds of bloat and I can't keep them snapped. I probably could have gotten away without it for a little longer but we don't have a Target in town and I was at one, so I figured I'd go for it. It felt really weird. I felt like I needed to hide it in my basket. I felt like someone was going to accuse me of jumping the gun. I felt like, by buying the thing, I was jinxing everything. (IF sucks.)
Anyway, yesterday was a little weird. I can't seem to let go of the feelings of resentment about Mother's Day that IF has given me. I was just really down all day long. I felt like I should have been so happy, but I just wasn't. When I tried to explain it to my DH he said "well, you really can't feel that way anymore now that you're pregnant." But, I can't just suddenly let go of these feelings. Especially when I'm still anxious about this pregnancy (I know I have no reason to be, but that's another thing it's hard to let go of -- anxiety). I feel sadness for myself that it took so long to get here. I feel sadness for my loss of naivete. I feel resentful for those who get pregnant so quickly. I feel guilty that I made it this far when others deserve it so much and haven't. And, I feel such sadness for all of my IF friends who are struggling so much. I don't feel like making it to 5 1/2 weeks pregnant suddenly makes me forget what I've been through and what my friends are still going through. I think I just felt sad for all of us.
OK, I'd better get back to grading. My green pen awaits. Ooh, or maybe I'll go with orange, now.
I love colored pens too. Particularly sharpies. So fun!
ReplyDeleteWait until you wear your first maternity piece clothing. Now that is really weird!
Congratulations on your first pregnancy purchase. Let us know how you like it!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that IF thinking ever goes away. Probably not - I kind of hope some of it doesn't. I think I'll always appreciate the result so much more...
Someone needs to come up with some PISD (Post Infertility Stress Disorder) therapy for IF 'grads'!
ReplyDeleteSo, did you go with the green or the orange? :)
yay for the purchase. hang in there....from what i understand the feelings don't ever go away...a therapist we saw told us that from the women she's talked to over the years. Rest assured that we are all happy for you, though.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, I feel the exact same way. Getting a BFP doesn't make any of those feelings go away. But I'm glad for that in a way. I would never want to forget the path I've taken to get to where I am.
ReplyDeleteYay for your first pg purchase! I have yet to make any, but I'm sure it's going to be weird!