I keep trying to think of something positive to say... But, all I can think about right now is how nervous I am about my u/s appointment tomorrow afternoon. IF sucks... it's made me so uncertain and pessimistic that I can't feel confident or excited about it, but only nervous.
My DH isn't helping matters. He seems to be more pessimistic than I am. I think really he's just being cautious. He's discouraging me from telling my mother and doesn't want to tell his parents until after the first trimester. He keeps reminding me that his sister had two m/c, my cousin's wife had a m/c at 8 weeks and then lost her second after a devastating diagnosis at their 12 week u/s, one friend had a m/c at 7 weeks and another friend had a m/c at 8 weeks. (I almost think he's convinced that the losses happened because they told people.) All he's doing is making me feel like it's almost a given that this isn't going to work out. When I cried to him the other day that he was making me feel horrible, he seemed to get why I needed him to be more confident and less pessimistic, but he can't seem to let it go. (All of which is weird because I'm the pessimist in this family... he's usually the optimist.)
He told me that he'll try to feel excited after the u/s tomorrow but I don't know that he'll feel positive about it until we're well into the 2nd trimester. Right now he's just checking off the boxes: +hpt - check, first beta - check, beta finally doubled - check, heartbeat - ?, 12 week u/s - ?. I *think* after that box he'll finally accept it, but it might not be until the 20 week u/s.
At the same time he seems to not understand why I'm reluctant to buy pregnancy things. He thinks it's odd that I'm nervous about this and afraid to jinx it but he can't stop telling me that we shouldn't tell anyone "just in case." I wish he understood how much more nervous he's making me. All throughout TTC, he's been the one who kept a positive attitude about this and I need that version of my husband to come back!!
I feel idiotic for even posting this. I know the probability is that everything is ok. I just wish it was this time tomorrow and I could feel like we'd crossed over one more hurdle.
Everything you and your DH are feeling is natural. I hope that after your appt tomorrow, you will be able to relax and enjoy! I hope your appt goes wonderfully tomorrow!! I will be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteIt's natural to feel nervous before the first ultrasound especially after dealing with IF. We told my parents pretty early on because they knew what was going on. Then we told my inlaws at Christmas, which was 10 weeks. We did not tell anyone else until after 13 weeks. I just didn't want to deal with explaining things if something bad were to happen. Good luck tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your ultrasound tomorrow. I understand the nerves, its interesting how it comes out for you in different ways. I think it would be hard if my husband was so nervous too.
ReplyDeleteI know its impossible not to worry, but try not to worry so much! I know its easy to say and I am sure I would be freaking out too but everything is going to work out.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband worries, it worries me even more as he is my rock. I hope that the two of you have fabulous news tomorrow and that as each days passes you both can let go of worry and start to enjoy your pregnancy!
((((hugs))))
Awe poor guy, he's a wreck. I think he's just afraid to get his hopes up.
ReplyDeleteI wish you both the best of luck and I can't wait to hear the news tomorrow! :)
It probably doesn't help matters when you're husband worries, but obviously he wants this to stick as much as anyone would who has been stuggling. don't feel idiotic for posting your true feelings -- I think it's completely normal and know that you are not alone in this. Your husband is being honest and even though it feels frustrating for you, I think it's better knowing how he feels rather than downplaying and being dishonest. Maybe he is trying to prepare himself for the worst...think about how good it will feel in the months to come to realize that everything work out better than you anticipated. Good luck tomorrow and post the news.
ReplyDeleteI totally get this. Totally. Like, 100%.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I let myself get too excited until after the 20 week mark. You start to relax just a smidge after every hurdle is crossed, but you're right, IF messes with you so much that you feel foolish to be excited.
I think it's because we see so many bad things living in the world of IF. Because you are so immersed in the community you literally see the worst of the worst. You support people through unimaginable loss and sorrow. But you have no reason to suspect that you'll have the same fate, and until proven otherwise, you have to remind yourself of that.
I cannot wait for you to see that little flicker :)
Praying for you Rebecca. I'm looking forward to hearing about how well your u/s goes!
ReplyDeleteI am praying that you will get the opportunity to experience this pure joy while you wait to pass certain milestones. And that your DH will be able to support you in the way you need.
Big HUGS coming your way!
I'm thinking about you today and hoping for a positive report back with a strong heartbeat ... hoping everything goes well today.
ReplyDeleteCrossing my fingers that everything goes well this afternoon. I can't wait to hear an update and hopefully see pictures of your little bean. GOOD LUCK!
ReplyDeleteIF does suck and I think it's totally normal to feel like you and your DH do. Maybe you could explain to him that you want to tell your parents after today's u/s but wait until the 12 week mark to buy pregnancy related things? The way I looked at telling my parents and a few close friends ASAP was that I would need their support either way...I wanted them on the journey with us. For me the hardest wait was between beta #2 and the first u/s. So that wait is over for you guys today, hopefully you leave on cloud 9...or at least on your way to it =) GL, I'm sure everything will go great!
ReplyDeleteGOOD LUCK today, Rebecca!!! I can't wait to hear a fantastic update from you this afternoon!
ReplyDeleteI get what you're saying 100%. We haven't told anybody about our bean. DH is overly cautious and wouldn't even let me tell my mom in secret because he's afraid it might "jinx" something. I haven't bought anything baby-related, not even a pg book. I'm trying my best to enjoy this but it's just so hard after having gone through so much and knowing what can go wrong.
Thinking of you today!!!
ReplyDeleteI think what you and your DH are going through is completely normal - even the part of not being on the same page of tell vs. not tell and buy vs. not buy. Just hang in there, let him express his thoughts, but make sure you're clear about your own needs.
Every step will help you guys feel more calm. Can't wait to hear about that fantastic heartbeat!!!
Don't feel idiotic - these feelings are TOTALLY NORMAL. My doc doesn't want to see me until 8 weeks, and we are basically in suspended animation until then.
ReplyDeleteIt will go great today! Good luck and congrats!
I can't wait to read about your u/s today! Your feelings are totally normal. I feel like IF steals your innocence. Thinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!! Hope you have a great appointment!
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost I'm sending tons of Good Luck your way for today's u/s!!
ReplyDeleteSecond, my DH is sort of being the same way (though in our case I can understand that...). I just want to shake him and say 'I need you to balance me out, not make my crazy worse!'.
You have every reason to be nervous and every reason to expect the best too! I'm expecting the best for you if that helps at all. ((((HUGS)))